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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ewrites
Review Requests: OFF
126 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Ebony White
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I don't understand why she broke up with him! You have a way with words that is incredible! I really liked how you started out the story, building up the anticipation. It was like you were telling their story from the beginning but as we read on, we watch it fall apart in one swoop. And the way you talked about the meteor and then seeing it in her eyes.... It was BRILLIANT! I still don't understand why it ended. Maybe that was the point? I really liked the story, but if anything could make it stronger, it would be to conclude it better.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Ebony White
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow! This is an incredible story and at times I was cringing waiting to see what would happen. There was a lot of real emotion in there. The only suggestion I have is to clean up your conclusion a little bit. It's strong, but it could be stronger. I really liked how you talked about the scars: They are not just proof of my suicidal thoughts, but also the reminder that I didn’t do it. It gave the story hope.
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Review of The Fun House  
Review by Ebony White
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Whoa! cool story! I really enjoyed this and at times, my heart was beating way too fast. The pace f this story is perfect. However, in some parts your writing lacks oomph! It seems that we're going really fast with you in the action and then suddenly you add a piece of information that pulls us out. I feel that if you add hints as to who is pulling this trick off, you might grab the reader's attention more. The story is intense, but I felt unsatisfied toward the end because I didn't know the who, the why or how behind the story. I hope this helped!
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Review by Ebony White
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there! I felt this story has a lot of potential and it's very sweet. However, I felt as though you had more to offer. When the mom is comforting her daughter, I feel that the things she lists are all based on what she does. You don't point out that it's what's on the inside that counts. I feel that having good grades and being told that she's pretty won't really help this child feel better the next time someone bullies her.
I really liked: "Cause they thought it would be funny to get you mad. Ignorant and immature people get their kicks that way." I felt that was a powerful line! I also liked how it ended with her mom offering her some comfort through her cooking. It was very sweet.
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Review by Ebony White
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow! I absolutely loved this and was touched by the emotion in it. I feel blessed to have read this because I feel like you've shared a really big part of who you are and that person is a caring, loving, and didactic human being. I could feel that you wanted to share your knowledge and love with this soldier boy and it was beautiful! Thank you for letting me into your heart.
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Review by Ebony White
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow! This was incredibly intense from the get-go! This was well written! I felt as though you gave enough information to keep me reading and wondering about what's going on. I was not expecting that ending at all! You're phrasing was amazing and each thought, word, and sentence had a point and you wrapped it up all nicely in one creepy, little sentence " Oh God, I wish they'd let me out of this straight-jacket, it's much too tight." Truly truly amazing!
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Review by Ebony White
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi Cindy. This was a bit too short for all the information you provided. This feels incomplete because everything moves so fast. Also the grammatical errors made it almost impossible to read. Staring from the first sentence, you say Tarrece, but then you say Tarrence. I think you also meant to say funniest not unniest, in the second sentence. 3rd sentence, isisnt is not a word and it's an incomplete sentence. I don't want to knit pick and dissect everything, but this would be a lot stronger if you went back and wrote out your story instead of making it this short.
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Review of An Autumn Moon  
Review by Ebony White
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting! I thought this was cool and great. The only thing it lacked for me was more description.
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Review of Innocence  
Review by Ebony White
In affiliation with The Sci-fi Writers Guild  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a sweet poem! There a few parts though that need tweaking. In your first stanza, the first and second lines do not rhyme like the rest of your poem. It's just obvious, but if that's the way you wanted it, that's fine. Also, the line, "I swear God wants me feeling this" Could be changed to "I swear God wants me to feel this". That adds two extra beats to match the line before it. Better flow that way. Lastly, the second to last stanza's line two doesn't quite work. "Need help falling I will give shove". I'm not quite sure what you can do to make it better so I'll leave that one to you. Good Luck!
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Review of Today's Dreams  
Review by Ebony White
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Kings! I liked this poem, but for me it lacked an ooomph that pulled me in. A couple of suggestions:
Ending your lines with periods doesn't create a flow to your poem. I feel if you added commas between the lines like in regular poetry, you may have better flow. However, you may have ended the lines that way for a reason I'm not getting so please feel free to completely disregard this.
The third line, "Sweet thoughts will return to my mind" can be shortened to just "sweet thoughts will return to mind". I don't know, but I just felt you could do without the "my". Lastly, and it's about the last line: "I miss you my dear the fire still burns" will rhyme better with return if you say "For you my dear, the fire will burn"
I hope this helps and sorry for a kinda negative review :(
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Review of Oh the Cost  
Review by Ebony White
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow. I loved this. Every word was captivating and true and I was tearing up reading it. I almost always cry watching commercials about soldiers or seeing tributes to them and this was a GREAT tribute . This touched me deeply 1, because just last night I was at a goodbye party for one of my friends going off to train, 2. you're words were powerful, 3. I could feel your emotion throughout this piece. This was really cool and I applaud it!
On a side note: HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY :)
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Review by Ebony White
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey Tineyjo! I read this and I saw your point. People are judgmental and are mean. I liked how toward the end you asked people to stop and think about the what ifs when they are making fun of people. What if it was your sister, or brother, your parent, friend.... and so on. You were honest and I appreciate it! You really did have a good point, but the fact you omitted end points took away from what you were trying to say. Run on sentences detract, not add to your writing. That's it! Add end marks and write out your words (your, not ur?) does that make sense?
13
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Review of Tomorrow  
Review by Ebony White
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Congratulations! Way to go! I liked this because it is simple and shows that you're really embracing the future. The best of luck to you and hey don't let anyone take those reigns from you :) And hey keep reaching for the stars and who knows, one may be flying to your hands right now!
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Review by Ebony White
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi there! I think you were trying to be comical here, but it kinda bombed. I'm sorry, but the writing seemed young. I'd suggest you rewrite it with more of an older tone. And you have to indent every time a new person talks and use quotations. My final suggestion is to shorten your descriptions. Instead of making them long and using "because" several times. Broaden your vocabulary a little bit.
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Review of Stay  
Review by Ebony White
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow! The repetition of that one line, God please, stay right here, do not disappear just grabbed me and made me feel the desperation of your character. Though this rhymed, I wasn't stopped to hear every little beat. I got caught up in your story! And then at the end you changed it to come back here instead of stay here and it just brought out the awwwww out of me! :p This was awesome! Write on, ganja. Write on!
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Review of Moon Child  
Review by Ebony White
Rated: E | (5.0)
I loved this!!!! It was simple and sweet! I loved the lines
Take my hand and fly me

to the moon so that I can

touch the stars that surround

it.
And I also love how you wrote it! You didn't use end marks but just continued its flow. I liked your creativity.
On a side note: I think maybe you should turn this into a short story! Think about it :)
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Review by Ebony White
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Awwwww I really loved this! The writing was fast and furious and I felt the emotion! It's funny how some lines rhyme and others don't. Some lines are slow and some are fast! It was really cool! This is exactly the way I feel when I have a crush lol I know you said love, but I've never been in love so I don't know. I really liked reading this though!
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Review by Ebony White
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really really enjoyed this! Your words captured me and took me through the story of what happened in this. The pasted lines below, just grabbed me! And the part where he sees her coming in with the pedestal that he later puts her on is pure genius! Also, I don't know if this was a guy talking about a girl or a girl talking about a guy... that was awesome! I liked how neutral it was. It could be anybody! Loved, loved, loved it! Keep writing cause you are a genius!

But within that little smile
I am encapsulated with the depth of you
And I find myself hiding within
That dimple that I melt deep into
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Review by Ebony White
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi! This was fantastic! I really liked the story you were telling, but sometimes it became hard to read. The second line reads, "though as a nightmare... though as a thought..." I'm not quite sure what you wanted to say. I think it makes sense if you say: "Even as a nightmare...even as a thought..." Then we are able to tell that you really want to see these people again, even if it causes you fear and it's only in your head. And the third line again cements that idea. "But it'll do for me"

The 2nd stanza, you say "they are off the body" Could you say that they are out of their bodies?
Other than that I really loved this. And the last stanza kinda ties everything together. :) LOVED it!
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Review of Summer's END  
Review by Ebony White
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey TracyLewis :) This was a pretty awesome haiku! I don't see a lot of these on here! Good job with the counting too! When I saw it, I went "a haiku?! No, it can't be! No one writes these anymore :p" I was expecting the meter, although a total different subject. you proved me wrong. :) Good job!
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Review by Ebony White
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey Kevlar! I don't know if I can say I enjoyed this because I don't think you were intending for us to "enjoy" it. But it did make me think and I really liked that. Your tone was very didactic and challenging which is really cool. However, I do have some suggestions if you have an ear for it. I would create spaces between your lines. When I first saw this, I was kinda scared to approach it. Not only would it draw people in more, but it would only make it easier to read. Second, I would make breaks between sentences that you want to highlight. Example.
I was walking down the street and I saw this humongous dog.
It was floating.
:p haha I know that's a little lame story right there, but by giving that sentence it's own light, it gave it more drama.
Lastly, I would change that one line, "How do we forget so often?" Try: "How do we forget so easily?" That one line broke the intensity I was feeling and pulled me out of the story. Not too much though because you had me again at "What about yesterday....."
This was fantastic and I loved reading it. My favorite line was: As a baby breathes his first breath into the world, you’re taking your first unbreath into a vast unknowingness.

FANTASTIC!
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Review by Ebony White
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi :)
I enjoyed this! I liked your words and your phrasing, but was a little bit confused toward the end . I thought I understood until I got to the 2nd to last line: For the sulfur curse
What are you talking about? I feel as though I should know what you're talking about. Help me out?
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Review of All That's Needed  
Review by Ebony White
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E
Hello Pat! I really like this simple, but very effective poem. I love it's honesty and I can hear your mentoring tone. I felt as though you were talking to a group of students (me) and just explaining that when we pray, that we should mean it. Thanks for a great reminder :)
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Review by Ebony White
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey this was a comical story, but I felt as though it was lacking in some ways. The first stanza lines all rhyme, however the rest have near rhymes that don't follow the beat that you started with. My suggestion is to create a meter that you can keep whether it's ending with one syllable words or multiple syllables. Alternating between the two breaks the flow. I hope this was helpful to you!
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Review of The Smell Of Fear  
Review by Ebony White
In affiliation with The Sci-fi Writers Guild  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi! Sorry for the low review but here are my reasons:
1. Your choice of words, grammar, and punctuation was lacking. I wasn't really scared.
2. There was no real emotion. When you write, try to tell us what you hear, see, smell, taste, and feel. Try using all your senses.

I had bruises from my head to toes. (Bruises covered every inch of my body). Blood dripping like water from a kept on faucet (Blood flowed from me like an open faucet). It was a miracle that I had found a way out. A way out of the scariest room I had seen (It was a miracle that I escaped. Escaped death). A room with four walls and dark. To dark. I had never seen the beast that took me but I knew it was a beast. (Locked that dark room for days, I was convinced I was going to die). Nothing could penetrate that darkness, except for the beast's breath).

Here I just added my OPINION in parentheses. Please don't take it as though I'm ragging on your work. I'm just trying to help you capture your audience. I'd go back and reread this story and I'm sure you'll notice where you misspelled words, dropped them altogether and didn't finish your thoughts. You're intent was great! You just need to execute it a little better.
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