*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/gabriellar45/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/10
Review Requests: ON
1,402 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 6 7 8 9 -10- 11 12 13 14 15 ... Next
226
226
Review of The Sound  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

Dear Tom Buck,

Poor Tom, after falling and carving a hole in the wall, I'm afraid his fate was sealed *Laugh*
I read this story with amusement and admiration for your ability to spin a story directly without
distractions. You create dialogue that flows naturally. Keeping tabs on the goings-
on in the story, while also arranging to inject communications is not always easy, especially
with so much going on. You manage to do so in a way that makes the story and dialogue easy to follow.
As a result, you hold our interest and keep us in your grip to the very last word !

I must admit, I imagined how it would be for a father to get a phone call describing these events.
Tom was wise not to share all of this with his father. *Smile* I thought your decision to add
the last line was a bit over the top. But, this is a matter of personal choice. You managed to
raise the kind of disapproving howls I'm sure you wanted at each intersection where Tom might have chosen
a more conservative route over a disastrous one. By the time I finished your story, I was wrung out just as I
imagine Tom was *Laugh* Thanks for sharing this story and giving us a fine example
of nicely executed story telling. I look forward to reading more !

You did a fine job polishing your story sufficiently that I didn't notice type-os, etc.
This is a wonderful attribute !

Warmest thanks,

Gabriella

** Image ID #1793102 Unavailable **


.
227
227
Review of Silent Rain  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Dear Kevin,

I was captivated by this poem. Good job ! You write your story so we must move through it in agonizing slow motion.
I couldn't have told you precisely what was happening 'till it was clear you were having a heart attack. It might have
been tearfully sentimental for you to have a broken heart just now, but somehow it works in the context of your story.

Bravo, Kevin, for arranging to present your poem without loads of type-os. I found just one error:

* You use a lower case "i" here and there throughout your poem when you refer to yourself in the first person. In every case it should be upper case I.

The format is just right for the poem. In its own way, it discourages the reader from being tempted to race ahead
to read the outcome. You crafted this poem effectively !

Nice work, Kevin ! I look forward to reading more of your work *Smile*

All the best,

Gabriella

** Image ID #1793102 Unavailable **


.
228
228
Review of The talk  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)


Dear Matt:

This is a fine short story. If you are willing to attend to the type-os, I believe you'll find that it will earn
a higher rating and more positive feedback. Here are the items that need attention:

1) In the 1st sentence, starred should be stared;
2) medusa like should be medusa-like;
3) In the 2nd sentence Dericks should be Derick's;
4) In the 4th paragraph, sirlfriend should be girlfriend;
5)In the 6th paragraph, thier should be their;
6)In the 10th paragraph, faintist should be faintest.
7) in the last paragraph, place a comma after And.

The story is straight forward and touching. It's not at overly dramatic. I like that about your story.
Your readers can relate to this anxious time and the awkwardness of the conversation.

Nice work, Matt ! I look forward to reading more of your work,

Gabriella


** Image ID #1793102 Unavailable **
229
229
Review of Untitled 3  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.5)

A warm welcome to Writing. Com, TD ! I hope you're
enjoying the forum and you're finding your way around comfortably.

This is a wonderful poem, TD ! It is gutsy and beautiful. Your visuals are
stunning ! I love the sentiments. Your last stanza is a very special
message of love. I love the poem and admire your ability.
You have a poet's eye and ear. I hope you will go on to write more
poetry, TD.

I have one question about the second stanza. Did you mean to repeat
"and the lion" twice in the stanza ? I also suggest that you go
through the poem and apply some punctuation, or do away with it
altogether. You have no punctuation in the first stanza, and a couple
of commas and a period in the second. Ditto with the third stanza.
You'll decide what is best for your poem.

I've thoroughly enjoyed my visit to your portfolio, TD. I look forward
to returning to read more.

All the best,

Gabriella


Another Rising Stars image. :)
230
230
Review of don't smile at me  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)


This is a beautifully written poem. Jonesy...you're a fine writer !
You have a remarkable talent for keeping your reader in your
grip. I read this all the way through with genuine anticipation
and a sense of foreboding. You are articulate and
your poetry is blessed with a kind of authenticity that is
very special. I'm delighted to have visited your portfolio
and look forward to returning to read more.
In the meantime, I hope you'll continue on to write lots more.
You have a poet's eye and heart. Nice work, Jonesy !

Warmest best,

Gabriella
231
231
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.5)

You have a wonderful raw ability to paint these glorious, rich pictures
with your writing. I hope you'll continue on to write lots more, Izza.
And, while you could tighten this up a bit, on the whole it's a very fine
piece. It is dramatic and unique in style. You managed to convey a
great deal with this small bit of writing. Keep on with this, Izza.
You really do have great potential !

Bravo and warmest best,

Gabriella


.
232
232
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.5)


You've got a remarkable ability to engage your reader, Izza. I love your descriptions.
I'd love to see you work on this piece a bit to tighten it up and fill in where there are a
few gaps. "When the paint was unfading" might be better if you were to say "When the paint wasn't
fading...or When the paint was still fresh. "Inside there is such wonder she promises"
wasn't clear though this may be a matter of style and taste. The line trails off without
closing. You'll decide if it could use a different ending.

"But the glass." is a bit jarring because it's not a style you've adopted anywhere else
in the piece. i'd rather see you combine that brief sentence with the next one.
Otherwise this is a delightful piece...it is beautifully poetic as well as a vignette that stands on
its own as a handsome piece of descriptive prose. You have real potential, Izza. I hope you'll
continue on to write more !

Warmest best,

Gabriella

.
233
233
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)


This is very well written ! Given the times we live in, I was grateful to see the
professor contact campus security. Happily, the student involved wasn't armed.
However, he is clearly a volatile student who seems to be setting himself
up for a crisis. The pressure to get an education in order to get a job must
be stressful and worrisome, particularly for a guy who hasn't been in school for
a long time, and may not have been much of a student when he was in
school. Everything about your story is credible. It's nicely written and moves
along without a glitch. The story is timely and compelling ! Nice work !!

I'm enjoying my visit to your portfolio and look forward to reading more of
your work ! I see you joined W.Com in January. i hope you're enjoying
yourself and finding your way around. If you have any questions or need
a little help, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Keep on writing !

All the best,

Gabriella


.
234
234
Review by Gabriella
Rated: E | (5.0)


Dear Jace,

Thank you for submitting your story to:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Review:

This is a delightful story ! It is a well crafted tribute to those awkward teenage years during which each one of us is obligated to create our own brand of embarrassing moments/memories-- the kind that are bound to keep coming back to haunt us. You wrote your story well, Jace. You have us in your grip at the outset of the story, and you keep us engaged right through to that crucial moment when the discus smashes through the library window and comes to a halt when it makes contact with a set of library shelves. I'm glad it didn't do any serious damage, though I imagine it sent a few books flying :) I found the story engaging and fun. Nice work, Jace !

Thanks so much for sharing this memory with us. i'm not surprised you weren't allowed to go on to throw the javelin. The good news, however, is you wield a wicked writer's pen !

Best of luck with the Contest.

Gabriella


** Image ID #1217342 Unavailable **

235
235
Review of Memories  
Review by Gabriella
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

Dear Jaye P,

Thank you for submitting your story to:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Review:

This is a wonderful melancholy piece. It is lovely and sentimental, filled with memories of much simpler times. What a special childhood you enjoyed ! I've been reading the work of James Agee. His book, A Death in the Family, is filled with remarkable family reminiscences. Agee is a wonderful story teller with a poet's eye and voice. Your story is wonderfully alive too. I can see you leaning against the headstone, thinking about your life vs the lives of your grandchildren. I hope you share your memories and some of the games and books you've enjoyed. You have much to share with them through stories like this.

Thank you for giving us a snapshot of your childhood years. Isn't it wonderful that your family is able to live on through these shared memories.

Best of luck with the Contest, Jaye P. This is a fine entry.

Gabriella


** Image ID #1217342 Unavailable **
236
236
Review by Gabriella
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)


Dear Pat,

Thank you for submitting your poem to:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Review:

This poem gave me the chills ! You're right, just think about the people we see everyday and how many of them we don't know beyond wooden smiles and the exchange of quick greetings or pocket change needed to purchase the morning paper and a cup of joe at the local coffee shop.

Our place was robbed just before moving to the house we live in now. The men who planned these robberies were said to sit next to their intended victims at the lunch counter, in the library, or at the bus stop. I'm so glad I don't know if this was done with me. Fortunately, they were caught.

I imagine a few black crows circling your head gleefully as you wrote this poem, dear Pat :) I know you must be smiling reading our reviews--a delightful mix of slightly nervous, appreciative, and amused.

Thanks so much for sharing your poem with us and best of luck with the Contest !

Warmest best,

Gabriella


** Image ID #1217342 Unavailable **
237
237
Review by Gabriella
Rated: E | (5.0)

Dear SWPoet,

Thank you for submitting your poem to:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Review:

If there were a poem more likely to open us to savor life, I can't imagine it !
Your poem is dazzling, SW. There are many stunning lines in this piece,
including:

"But, pilots and dreamers know the secret.
We can't soar through the clouds if we’re afraid to lift off.
We can't be grounded if we’re afraid to fall.
If we stall mid-flight, we will die."

This unique poem stirs us in all the best ways ! SWPoet observes some of life's most important truisms concerning relationships and risk taking. She's crafted
a poem that is rendered with brilliant observations. Vivid and exciting,
this poem seeks to expand our view of the world. SWPoet is clearly not afraid to challenge us, and she does so here in a way that is at once powerful, charming and engaging. I came away from reading this poem thinking hard about this particular line:

"Deafened by the sound of impossible dreams, we close the shades,
plug our ears, and insulate our minds from the sounds of human life."

Thank you for sharing your poem with us, SWPoet. It's a 5-star beauty !
I'm delighted to have had this chance to read it. Your work is beautiful
and your talent, boundless,

Best of luck with the Contest, dear SW !

Gabriella


** Image ID #1217342 Unavailable **
238
238
Review by Gabriella
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Jyo,

Thank you for submitting your poem to:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Review:

This is a wonderful story. I thoroughly enjoyed the adventure. One fine side benefit
is you share a few of the important traditions of family life in India. I learned about your grandfather's precious early morning rituals and how you participated in the distribution of those delicious treats as part of the "final blessing."

It was delightful to read about the 8 year old boy, full of life, always looking for fun
but never at the expense of his relationship with his beloved grandfather.

The story is elegant in its simplicity and well told, Jyo. It's nicely crafted and reads
beautifully, without interruption, from start to finish. I found it uplifting and a treat to read, particularly because of the inclusion of a few poignant cultural and religious traditions, enough to see how they fit in to your everyday life. This story is also full of wonderful images, Jyo. Painting pictures with words is one of your great strengths regardless of whether you're wearing your poet or storyteller hat. Finally, the
affection which underlies this story is it's greatest feature, one that raises the
story way above average, to achieve lots of positive feedback, Jyo !

Thank you for sharing this fine small vignette, Jyo. Reading it added a hefty dose of sunshine to my otherwise cloudy, muggy day !

Best of luck with the Contest !

Gabriella

** Image ID #1217342 Unavailable **



239
239
Review by Gabriella
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear ShiShad,

Thank you for submitting your poem to:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Review:

This is a wonderful story, told elegantly without too much fanfare, which makes
the story that much more effective. Your reader is left wondering about the dog
too. That there isn't a specific ending to the dog's story is the stuff of real life.

However, what did come through loud and clear is your very special family
and the loving relationship you have with each of them. We learn
a little about your son and grandchildren, and the beautiful world you inhabit.

You put this story together beautifully, Shi. You are not only a talented poet, you're a
fine storyteller. I was completely engaged from start to finish of this piece. This story is compelling and a very special one, made more memorable because
you communcate so comfortably and draw us in so easily. Well done, Shi !

Thank you for turning this snapshot of your family visit into a memorable story. Best of luck with the Contest, dear Shi.,

Gabriella


** Image ID #1217342 Unavailable **





240
240
Review by Gabriella
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Lidi,

Thank you for submitting your work to:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Review:

This is a deeply touching, well written piece. It's a wonderful combination of prose
and poetry. I'm delighted to see that you've given yourself the opening to select a
format that is just right for this piece. And, while this is a non-traditional format,
it seems a fine choice.

This poem's great strength is your unwavering faith. I was immediately struck by how easily you are able to draw us in to revel in your joyful message. You take us on a spiritual journey with this piece, washing away all of life's worries to embrace the pure and perfect love you've discovered by giving precious time each day to joyful contemplation. This piece is lovely to read from the first to the last line ! It is sweet and prayerful. It's an inspirational piece, a wonderful form of mediatation when you're feeling stressed and ovewhelmed. As we read on past the first few lines, we see that this is less about the existence of your God and more about finding a greater power to uplift us and give our hectic complicated lives joy and meaning beyond our day-to-day struggles.

Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece with us.

Best of luck with the Contest. We've received many wonderful entries this month. This piece is one of those.

Warmest best,

Gabriella


** Image ID #1217342 Unavailable **
241
241
Review by Gabriella
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Kip,

Thank you for submitting the prologue to your story to:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Review:

While you've tortured us with this remarkable prologue, I'm afraid I'm
going to become cranky and difficult if you keep us waiting too long
for the first installment of your story :) If your story is in small part as
powerful as your prologue, it is bound to be wonderful ! Your writing
is stunning, Kip. You are blessed with an exceptional gift. I read
and reread your prologue, each time drinking in more wonderful well knit
descriptions and beautifully crafted sentences. You've done a
very fine job with this. Your writing is an inspiration !

While reading through your prologue, I felt the ghost of Dickens hanging
over my shoulder. His descriptions and yours have in common the
magnificent attention you give to detail and your reader's
sensibilities. You have a bit of the journalist in you which only serves to boost the stories you write, Kip. I can hardly wait to read the story that follows !

Thank you for sharing this gorgeous piece of writing with us !
Best of luck with the RSSB Contest. As always the competition
is tough. We have received several excellent submissions. This is
one of those, Kip.

Warmest best,

Gabriella

** Image ID #1217342 Unavailable **
242
242
Review by Gabriella
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Jaye P Marshall,

Thank you for submitting your poem to:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Review:

I was fully prepared for a wonderful story about an aunt and niece discovering one another, diving in with both feet to have a wonderful time together. Instead, we discover that this little girl's aunt is a far cry from her loving mother. We learn that the child will be staying at her aunt's house for three days while her mother flies out of town to care for the child's seriously ill grandmother. The story ends after the first several minutes of the child's visit with her aunt.

We see right up front that this aunt is every mother's (and child's) nightmare. You did a fine job demonstrating in a few short sentences, what this child is up against. This part of your story is especially effective. Early on, you raise our expectations that this will be a happy story. You manage to get a grip on us sufficiently to leave us almost as devistated as the child must have been once she realizes how tough the next three days are bound to be !

Nice job, Jaye. This story is well written and nicely constructed. The outcome wasn't the one most of us who have children were hoping for (which is central to
the story's success). Instead, you left us worrying and wondering about
this little girl---hoping upon hope that you'd give the aunt an opportunity to turn the situation around. But you didn't. And, this is to your credit. The story was real.
Life is like this sometimes. I'm guessing that many children have had one of these experiences in their young lives without serious consequences.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You did a great job with it.
I hope you receive lots of positive feedback. It's been a treat to
read your work.

Best of luck with the RSSB Contest, Jaye.

Gabriella


** Image ID #1217342 Unavailable **
243
243
Review of Ballade of Sorrow  
Review by Gabriella
Rated: E | (5.0)

Dear Ben,

Thank you for submitting your ballade to:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Review:

This is a stunning ballade. It's a tale of great sadness. If I understood it,
the story tells of the tragic loss of a wife and child. I can't fathom the pain.
Still, you've given this tale of woe enormous dignity in this beautifully
penned poem. It's a delight to read and a thrill to see how carefully you've
crafted the ballade, and how beautifully you work out your rhyme scheme
and meter. This is a 5-star beauty, dear Ben. It stuck with me long
after reading it. It's a memorable piece. I hope you're as proud of it as
I am delighted to have read it and pleased to have this opportunity to
review it.

My favorite stanza is:

"Upon my soul was etched in line and swirl
A drawing of the life I hoped we’d lead
Rich tapestry just waiting to unfurl
With detail to be filled by chosen deed.
But senseless fate did not the pattern heed;
Its random scribbles blotted once great art.
Envisioned beauty did so quick recede,
Though drawn together once, now torn apart."

Thank you for sharing your ballade with us, and best of luck with
the contest ! We're so pleased you decided to join us.

Warmest best,

Gabriella

** Image ID #1217342 Unavailable **
244
244
Review of Give Me A Reason  
Review by Gabriella
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

Dear Sensual Roses.

Thank you for submitting a piece to:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


This is a wonderful expressive piece. What a fine
job you've done selecting the right words for this piece while also
tapping your imagination to piece this poem
together with the perfect sound effects. I enjoyed reading it over a couple of times !
Its simplicity is its best feature. Thank you for sharing this wonderful poem.
The piece is dramatic and heart wrenching. It's a poem that
should be read aloud.

I particularly liked:

"What is here to hold me back
From swallowing that whole huge stack?
What is here to make me say
That someday all will be okay?
What is here to make me see
That what I am just shouldn’t be?"

Bravo ! Your poem is a treat on several fronts. I can't
imagine how lonely and sad it must
be for your character to be so addicted that
there is no force powerful enough to
call her back to her mother and a better
life.

As always, it's wonderful to read your writing.
Best of luck with the contest !

Gabriella


** Image ID #1219023 Unavailable **
245
245
Review by Gabriella
Rated: E | (5.0)

Dear Jyo,

Thank you for submitting your work to:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Review: overview

This is a powerful poem, Jyo. It is remarkably well
written and authentic. It speaks of an experience most of us must confront sooner or later in life. My dying father inspired the first poem I wrote when I logged on to Writing. Com. Your poem is not only presented beautifully, it is also clear and well spoken. The pictures you conjur up of tubes and what is left of a warm animated person are perfectly developed.

I can't think of anything you could change to build a more effective or compelling poem. It is clearly heartfelt. Posting this poem is an act of sharing that will take root in your portfolio and become a source of comfort to others who have suffered through a meaningful loss and the "cheerless wait for that farewell." Finally, I must add, your choice of format is a perfect complement to this poem. You've put together a work that sings, dear Jyo. Bravo !


Review: suggestions: I have none. This is a flawless personal account and a beautiful poem.


Best of luck with the contest, Jyo.

Gabriella

** Image ID #1219023 Unavailable **
246
246
Review of Nuinn  
Review by Gabriella
Rated: E | (4.5)


Dear DragonBlue:

Thank you for submitting a piece to:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day



Overview

This is a lovely poem, DB. I found it intriguing and wonderful reading. It's a compelling belief that the Celtic priests who inhabited the British Isles in 1000 BC held, that trees are imbued with spirits "infinite knowledge" and wisdom, symbolic of the cycle of life. Ogma, the Celtic god of poetry and eloquence,clearly inspired this beautiful ethereal poem.

The Celtic Zodiac is filled with wonderful images. I've always loved the idea that cranes form letters with legs as they fly. Your poem is beautifully rooted in this belief in nature which is at the heart of Celtic tradition. If indeed the Ash is the tree of March, the poem is especially apt.

Your Message:

Your poem is clearly rooted in Irish tradition, where the ash tree is still revered, sacred in its elegance.
"From its strong branches, I fashion my spears and wands." You've created an eloquent piece here, DB. It's a fitting tribute to this "tree of the universe" I found it a spirited poem, delicately told by a poet who gives us some insight into glorious Celtic traditions with her poetry.

Structure

The poem flows especially well in the 3rd, 4th and 5th stanzas. These read a bit more smoothly than the others, but this may have been intentional.

I especially enjoyed:

"Past, present and the future or if you wish to know Confusion, Balance and Creative force to bestow, Upon my soul as weaver of magic amongst the trees. Speaking all invocations of rhyming verses in threes."

Suggestions:

You will decide if these are useful.

1) You write:
"The Oak tree as is the Hawthorn tree be its lifelong mates." The line seems a bit convoluted. See if you
agree.

2)" Past, present and the future or if you want to know
Confusion, Balance, and Creative force to bestow." You need to add a few commas after "present" and after "future" and "know". Also, I wondered if you intended that Confusion, Balance and Creative should be capitalized ? If so, then perhaps the word "force"
(Creative Force) should be too.

3) Did you mean to say: "Elaborate this tree of circumstance" ? Or did you want to say: Celebrate this tree of circumstance" ?

Thank you for sharing this lovely poem, DB. I appreciate the push you've given me over time to learn more about Celtic traditions-- all beautiful, most rooted in nature. It's a treat to read a poem that pushes us past what is familiar.

Best of luck with the contest !

Gabriella

** Image ID #1219023 Unavailable **









247
247
Review of Still Grinning  
Review by Gabriella
Rated: E | (4.5)


Dear Don,

Thank you for entering:

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Your story:

Every parent will relate to this father's chesire-cat grin as he recalls one of his favorite recollections of life with his daughter during her teenage years. The father's grin is THE common thread that holds the story together and helps to hold our attention. The story is nicely developed with an outcome that every parent can relate to.

Your characters:

You did a fine job, developing both father and daughter. Though this is undeniably the father's story. His voice is strong and authentic. You've also created a credible teenager in his daughter. The dialogue between father and daughter is entertaining, funny, and persuasive. You've given us a window into the lives of this duo. It rings true. It was a delight to read.

I love the exchange between the dad and daughter
over who will change the tire. Your sense of timing
is excellent, Don. I enjoyed reading every word.

Overall impression:

This vignette is the stuff of everyday life,
presented with grace and humor. It's a charming
piece, nicely written and well presented. Most
parents are bound to wear smiles of recognition
while reading your story, Don. I enjoyed
every word. That it is presented simply and without
fanfare is its best feature.

Suggestions:

1) I wonder if you could make a change:
"I got out of my car and checked the damage to hers.
She was right, the front tire was certainly flat" to
read: She had a flat tire, but didn't mention the
nasty dent in the wheel's rim.

2) Could you trim down:
"Besten but still a little defiant" to beaten but undefeated.

3) " I showed her how to use the jack safely as I had previously done when I showed her when we bought the car" to: I showed her how to use the jack safely just as I had when we purchased the car"

4) "She let the weight of the car onto the spare" Did you mean: she cranked the jack down, shifting the weight of the car to the spare tire ?

These are suggestions. You'll decide if they are useful, Don. Thank you for submitting your work.

Best of luck with the contest.

Gabriella


** Image ID #1219023 Unavailable **



248
248
Review of Meadow  
Review by Gabriella
Rated: E | (5.0)
A beautiful poem. I hope you'll
go one to fill your portfolio
with a mountain of poetry. You
have real talent, Sam. There
is nothing I'd recommend in the
way of changes. You presented your
piece beautifully and flawlessly.
Congratulations and warmest
best, Gabriella
249
249
Review of Keep Holding On  
Review by Gabriella
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a beautiful poem !
You write very well,
Annemarie. What a treat it
is to read your poetry !!
Thank you for your lovely
review of Rising Stars. I'm
glad to have this chance
to visit your portfolio. You
do a wonderful job preparing
your work for reviewing. I
couldn't find any errors :)
This poem written to your boyfriend
on the occasion of his dad's
passing is really lovely. He
must have been deeply touched
by it. It's a beautiful
sensitive poem. I hope you keep
on writing poetry. You have
real ability, dear Annemarie.

Warmest best, Gabriella


Enjoy looking around/ please no reviews--Give 5-star ratings to reward talented artists.
250
250
Review by Gabriella
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Dear Mike, this is a beautiful, truly moving piece.
It's well written and very touching. You captured
the mood of the country and the hopes and dreams
we have for a time when our troops will come home
and we'll breathe a bit easier. The visit by the
president of Iran raised our anxiety level big
time ! This is indeed a troubling time for our country
on many fronts. Your thoughtful message is inspirational and encouraging. Thank you for sharing it. Warmest
best, Gabriella
781 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 32 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/gabriellar45/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/10