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This is a lovely poem, DB. I found it intriguing and wonderful reading. It's a compelling belief that the Celtic priests who inhabited the British Isles in 1000 BC held, that trees are imbued with spirits "infinite knowledge" and wisdom, symbolic of the cycle of life. Ogma, the Celtic god of poetry and eloquence,clearly inspired this beautiful ethereal poem.
The Celtic Zodiac is filled with wonderful images. I've always loved the idea that cranes form letters with legs as they fly. Your poem is beautifully rooted in this belief in nature which is at the heart of Celtic tradition. If indeed the Ash is the tree of March, the poem is especially apt.
Your Message:
Your poem is clearly rooted in Irish tradition, where the ash tree is still revered, sacred in its elegance.
"From its strong branches, I fashion my spears and wands." You've created an eloquent piece here, DB. It's a fitting tribute to this "tree of the universe" I found it a spirited poem, delicately told by a poet who gives us some insight into glorious Celtic traditions with her poetry.
Structure
The poem flows especially well in the 3rd, 4th and 5th stanzas. These read a bit more smoothly than the others, but this may have been intentional.
I especially enjoyed:
"Past, present and the future or if you wish to know Confusion, Balance and Creative force to bestow, Upon my soul as weaver of magic amongst the trees. Speaking all invocations of rhyming verses in threes."
Suggestions:
You will decide if these are useful.
1) You write:
"The Oak tree as is the Hawthorn tree be its lifelong mates." The line seems a bit convoluted. See if you
agree.
2)" Past, present and the future or if you want to know
Confusion, Balance, and Creative force to bestow." You need to add a few commas after "present" and after "future" and "know". Also, I wondered if you intended that Confusion, Balance and Creative should be capitalized ? If so, then perhaps the word "force"
(Creative Force) should be too.
3) Did you mean to say: "Elaborate this tree of circumstance" ? Or did you want to say: Celebrate this tree of circumstance" ?
Thank you for sharing this lovely poem, DB. I appreciate the push you've given me over time to learn more about Celtic traditions-- all beautiful, most rooted in nature. It's a treat to read a poem that pushes us past what is familiar.
A beautiful poem. I hope you'll
go one to fill your portfolio
with a mountain of poetry. You
have real talent, Sam. There
is nothing I'd recommend in the
way of changes. You presented your
piece beautifully and flawlessly.
Congratulations and warmest
best, Gabriella
Dear Mike, this is a beautiful, truly moving piece.
It's well written and very touching. You captured
the mood of the country and the hopes and dreams
we have for a time when our troops will come home
and we'll breathe a bit easier. The visit by the
president of Iran raised our anxiety level big
time ! This is indeed a troubling time for our country
on many fronts. Your thoughtful message is inspirational and encouraging. Thank you for sharing it. Warmest
best, Gabriella
This story is really wonderful, Ken ! I hope you will post more of your work here. I look forward to reading your next one. You think and write in the language of Maine with it's own very special dialect. It's a thoroughly nostalgic and enthralling experience to read a piece like this one ! Especially if you've spent time in Maine like I have. This story is completely transporting. It's also reminiscent of simpler times, Ken, when folks stretched themselves to believe in nobler causes and ideas. Thanks so much for sharing this piece, Ken ! It's a sheer delight to read.
Warmest best, Gabriella
This is a beautiful poem, with
a message as lovely and inspiring
as I could expect to find on a
gorgeous Sunday morning !
Thank you for sharing your poetry.
I'm delighted to have chosen
such a fine introduction to
your world. Welcome to "Rising Stars"
and our world. I hope you
are enjoying Writing.Com as much
as I am. Sing out if you need help
or support of any kind as you
continue to settle in. It's
been wonderful reading your poetry.
I look forward to returning to
read more. Warmest best, Gabriella
It doesn't need much improving.
It's nicely written and a very
touching account of your son's
birth. That it took you back to losing
your own mother seems completely
understandable, Daryl. Birth is
the ultimate mother-child connection.
I'm so glad the beautiful
experience of seeing your own
son born released you from
the terrible sadness and anger
that long ago welled up inside and
stuck with you years after your
mother's death. The story of
your child's birth is one filled
with love and newly discovered
happiness. Thank you for sharing it.
Only a couple of suggestions, Daryl:
In the 4th paragraph:
1) Delete an "I" from "I had I"
2) I think you meant "this and that"
instead of "his and that"...:)
3) Instead of adding "what seemed to me"
consider -what looked like a metal box
4) I wondered if it would be better to
say: I thought I screamed a silent scream,
but then everyone turned to look at me
as the defeaning cry rose from deep inside..
using your own words of course.
5) In the final paragraph, do you think
it would be better to say you lost someone
who was so dear, when she was taken from you
the pain and anger was overwhelming ? It's
such a poignant loss. You'll decide if it
would help to be more specific than to say
you lost something that was important to you.
I leave it to you to decide if any of these
suggestions are the least bit
helpful. It's your piece. You know best.
I've thoroughly enjoyed my visit to your
portfolio. Happy holiday, Gabriella
What a lovely poem this is, dear Angel !
You've laced it with beautiful symbols of
your lonliness. It's very expressive and
as a result, deeply melancholy:
"The last blossom of a dying plant,
The ending note of a mystic's chant.
The fleeting memory of a fading dream,
The rip, the tear, the ruptured seam."
This is nicely written, Angel. You've
shared your mood so beautifully without ever
using the word "lonely" to describe it. You
did a great job with this, Angel. I admire it
and your writing. I look forward to
returning soon to read more.
arggghhhh :) this is indeed grim, but
funny and as with all of your other
work, it's well written. I miss seeing
new posts and wonder whether you've
given up writing. I hope not, you write
beautifully. I've loved having a chance
to make a return visit to your portfolio.
I hope you'll come back to give a bit more
time to adding to your collection of fine
works. I look forward to returning for
another visit and some new work :)I hope
this finds you well, enjoying beautiful
spring weather. All the best to you,
Gabriella
I live on such a pretty combination
of woods and preserved land, overlooking
a beautiful river. Our place is a
dream--I love scratching around in the garden
as often as possible as the
weather warms up and the potential
that our garden will produce
is heightened. I love the old shoes
that sit just outside my front
door caked with mud, and my well worn
jeans hanging from a hook in
the bathroom, covered with the sandy
silt, the garden's residue. This poem entitled "Dirt"
is a sheer delight !! Thank you.
I was so lucky to find this poem !
Thanks for the fun I've had visiting,
reading, and reviewing.
Warmest best, Gabriella
Kimchi, this is the most delightful
review of W.Com I've read thus far !
I'm so glad to have seized this opportunity
to visit your portfolio. It's been a
very special treat, dear Kimchi. I'm looking
forward to coming back for more.
This piece is all that you said it
would be. W.Com is indeed a "Hades of
cerebral gluttony" ! Thank you for
sharing your poetry. Best of luck with
it. Gabriella
What a wonderful grandma you have ! I'm so touched
by this poem and the seamless way you have of infusing
this poem with such spirit, wonderful images, and
great joy. I reread your poem twice, filled with
nostalgia. It's wonderful that you've been able to
capture the essence of your grandmother so beautifully.
You will always have this poem--and the next generation
will too ! Thank you for sharing it, dear Iris.
Your poetry is always a very special treat to read.
Warmest best, Gabriella
Greg, I have been working on a poem
with a similar theme which I've
never been able to finish, perhaps
because it's such a painful topic.
As a lover of the outdoors, I agree
with you, we have "abused his gift"
but even more important, we have
helped ourselves to everything mother
nature has to offer without taking
responsibility to care for and boost
our environment so that it will be there
for our children and future generations.
This poem tells it all. I like it and
your writing, Greg. One small suggestion:
I think you meant to say in vain rather
than "in vein". I hope to return to your
portfolio to read more soon. Warmest best,
Gabriella
This poem is beautiful and hopeful.
I loved reading every word. It's
very well written and carefully
presented without error. Thailand
is such a beautiful country. I hope
the situation there has improved
since you created your poem. I'm so glad
to have this opportunity to visit
your portfolio. I've looked around
a bit and am looking forward to
returning to read more. Thank you
for sharing your beautifully written
poem. All the best, Gabriella
This is a wonderful poem. It's a
melancholy tribute to your youth,
love, and your homeland. Clearly,
that "isle of meadow and long white
shore" holds very special memories.
Your poem is beautifully constructed,
articulate, and your message,
compelling. I read the poem over
twice, each time enjoying it more.
You have a special talent for painting
lovely images with your words. I've
enjoyed my visit to your portfolio,
and look forward to returning to read
more. Thank you for sharing this fine
poem. Warmest best, Gabriella
Judith, this is a fine poem. I enjoyed
reading every word ! Your poem speaks of
friendship, especially between mates. And what
happens when good communications break down. Your
observations are wise and your poem,
nicely constructed and well written. Congratulations,
Judith ! Best of luck with your writing.
Warmest best, Gabriella
This is a beautiful heartfelt poem, Jack.
I read every word with a heavy heart. It
is a familiar communication, one that I
pray went well for you. I think I've
discovered that relationships are like this.
Do you suppose the survivors are those
who know how not to place too much weight
on things said or done in frustration or
in weary self absorbed moments. In any
case, you've written a compelling poem. It rings
true while it is also intriguing and thought provoking.
Thank you for sharing this wonderful poem.
I look forward to returning to read more
of your work, Jack. Enjoy the latter part
of your Sunday ! Gabriella
This is a lovely poem. I can't
imagine a wiser more elegant
approach to life than to keep
on reaching for the stars, setting
your hopes high, always giving
your best, "never doing anything
less." I admire your attitue
and your generosity of spirit.
I know you'll do well. This poem
is a real source of inspiration.
Keep on writing ! Warmest best,
Gabriella
This is a well written quest, a search for
a definition of hero, and a chance to think
who we think of as precious heroes. I agree
with your nicely drawn, thoughtful definition.
A true hero is at once capable and selfless,
blessed with a disinclination to judge others.
My daughter is my hero. She is bright, animated
and thoughtful. She is also lovely, kind, and very capable. Don't you agree. true heroes are often inconspicuous. You've given this lots of thoughts.
It's a great subject. Thank you for sharing your work. It's always a treat to visit your portfolio.
Keep on writing !
Warmest best, Gabriella
This is a total delight, Coffee !
A visit by SnowWhite told through
the eyes of Grumpy with a modern
twist. It's fun and funny all the
way through the piece. I chuckled
out loud reading it. I found dozens
of place where I might ordinarily
correct the grammar, but I have a
feeling your Grumpy really talks
like this :) It's fun to read for
reviewers looking for a little
comic relief. Good job, Coffee !!
I hope you'll write more. Your
portfolio aches for more work in
light of your obvious ability :)
Warmest best, Gabriella
This is a thoroughly refreshing, bright poem. Congratulations, Adele ! I loved reading every word
and look forward to reading more of your work.
You're a fine writer. I hope you're planning to create a mountain of poetry in your portfolio ! You have
a distinctive voice and your writing style is at
once graceful in it's rhythm and personality,
and beautifully stark. This poem is the product of
a writer who seems exceptionally comfortable in her
own skin. Bravo, Adele ! Thank you for sharing
your excellent work. Warmest best, Gabriella
This is a very fine poem !
Looks like you're working hard
and doing a fine job. This poem
is beautifully expressive and
very touching. You've reached
deep inside and pulled up a
wonderful piece of writing, SD.
I love the melancholy simplicity
of your message. Its most positive
features are your sincerity and
optimistic spirit. I hope you'll
continue on to write more poetry.
You have a poet's eye.
Well done, SD. Looking forward to
reading more of your work.
Warmest best, Gabriella
This is an engaging well written short story. It's a terrifying tale about an African-American family in the South during those days when the KKK had free run
of the South. I shuddered reading the account of these two children who witnessed the viscious murder of both parents. I can't imagine a more horrifying exprience. Sadly, what happened in this story may well have taken place in the 50s and 60s in the South. You write with clarity and authority about what is a horrific life altering experience for these children. Beneath it all, the children treasure wonderful memories of their father's courage and his concern that his children grow up railing against discrimination, "defending the dignity and respect of the disenfranchized." Your story is a fine one. I thoroughly enjoyed it and look forward to reading more of your work. Warmest best. Gabriella
This is a beautiful timely Easter poem
and a glorious tribute. These are a few
of the pivotal stanzas:
"They nailed him to the cross and raised it high,
A crude inscription to identify
The king they were about to crucify.
"Forgive them, for they know not what they do,"
And fervently he prayed as if he knew
His executioners were subject to."
I have a couple of suggestions for you. You will
decide if they are useful:
1) In the first stanza, 2nd line: consider
omitting "the" after "defiled" and before "scorned;"
2) Replace "Of' at the beginning of the next
line with By so the line reads: By those he
loved;
3)In the 6th stanza, 2nd line, I wonder if it would help to replace "who" with: her son.
And, I suggest eliminating "was" in the 3rd line;
4)Jumping down to the 3rd paragraph from the last, I wonder if it would be better to replace "commends himself" with: commends the son to his father's hands.
It's clear you put a good deal of effort
into this poem. It retells the Easter story
with prayer-like grace and care. Your spirituality is
a beautiful influencing factor in the
writing of this poem. Thank you for sharing
it with us. Warmest best, Gabriella
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