I like this short poem. It has good structure and rhyme. I would change the punctuattion after the word graceful to a comma in line 1. The meter is pretty good going from stanza 1-10 as follows:
1-9
2-9
3-9
4-9
5-8
6-8
7-8
8-8
9-8
10-9 The last staza could be revamped a bit. I sounds abrupt at the end to me. All in all it is very good. Keep up the fine work and write on! S A Gibbins
This is truly a beautiful poem. Your use of precious and semi precious stones in contrast to feelings and emotions is truely wonderful. I used to collect rocks and minerals years ago and the visualization is great. I love free verse and find this fascinating the way you describe your troubles in dealing with an alcoholic. I know the feeling you may have in being optimistic. Help can not start until the person recognizes the need to change. Alcohol can be as blinding as the brillance of a diamond. If it has led to physical abuse then you must take care of yourself first. And if the person is not willing to get help then it may be better to end the relationship no matter how much it hurts. Love covers a multitude of sins. But when the person refuses to except responcibilty for their actions, instead of enabling them by staying and trying to fix it, you need to leave and hope that they will awaken from the stupor and get help. Love is a powerful enemy to this situation. You want to help out of love, but sometimes that love only perpetuates the problem. I did want to say another thing to you. I am a recovering alcoholic and addict. Booze led to drugs and I have hurt many people a long the way who truely loved me. The best that could have happened to me and them was that they left. I never physically abused them but who know where it would have led. Bottom line was it ruined their lives and mine. When I finally admitted that I had a problem and it took years of denial, I finaslly started to heal. Thanks for this post
Hello again Ruby. This is a cute piece about I guess your cat. There is a special place in my heart for the furry creators. I have taken in probably 80-90 strays in the years. Seen many litters and found many homes for them. I like the lines Smug surveillance, and incessant licking, solis soothing purrs. I can picture that cat. I have seen the same type of cat. That incessant licking and cleaning. Thanks for posting this. It brightened up my day, since I have been without a home myself recently and have not had the pleasure of kittys around. Bye SAGibbins
Thank you for your opinion on this matter.Personally I do appreciate opinion and criticism. The latter being more important. I can only speak for myself when I say that I am not sure what I'm doing all the time. I have written for years but it is collected in some corner of the universe until now when I found this site and decided to post some of it. I want to be not just a good writer but a great writer. One who will be remembered. There are times when you want to say...this is my way of writing. But to be successful you need very much to consider your reader first. Thats why when you write to be published you consider what does the market want. What kind of story? etc. I have found as you said; edit edit edit edit. My first novel on here; I took off running like a rabbit. Fortunately some were kind enough to point out editing to me so I have slowed down, went back and when its a bit more ready for the reader ; repost it. Thank you for this piece. S A Gibbins
Goodafternoon and thanks for this post. This was quite a refreshing poem away from the norm so to speak. Its title itself intrigued me to read.
I kept thinking of the phrase "the eyes are the window to the soul". And as you have turned it around with an idea of "what it like from the other side was interesting.
It is a nice piece of freeform. ThankS A Gibbins
Goodafternoon and thank you for your first post. The words spoken carry so much power and intensity. The feeling come through to me like the sun. I will assume here that you are your fathers son by your name and that your anger towards him for the familys breakup is why this is so well written in prose or free form if you will.
Being as it is to me free form prose it certainly carrys your feelings well. I can relate also coming from a broken home and all the mixed feeling and emotions it brings. Welcome to Writing.com and keep up writing. Enjoy and learn from others here and the writing tools and format. I might suggest entering contest too as a way to improve your skills. You are off to a good start. Thanks S A Gibbins
Goodafternoon Andrew. The content in this poem is beautiful. And descriptive as all get out as they say. I gave you a four because of its content.
In way of suggestion are this: Your rhtymn is a bit off. And There are a number of grammer errors. In your portfolio at the bottom of each item you will find the spell key.and you will be able to fix those items. Here are a few:
1st line - tree's' needs to be trees.
3rd line - of every green you 've ever seen . May better be just : of every green you've seen.
10th line - "I watch them, as listened to " seems to me that you need to drop as or add something.
16th line - Foliage doesn't need to be capitalized.
As you noted it needed some attention. I feel with a little work it will be stunning. As I said your content is really good. I could find myself right along side as I read it.
These are a few of my suggestions and I hope it was helpful. Once again thank you S A Gibbins
I really like this piece of prose. I would have liked to have had more said about music though. But still you intertwined man down through the ages and music is an extention of language, expression. No one would have never gone to the moon without imagination and the simplist form perhaps was early music. Being a musician I anticipated something more in that vain as the title suggests. By the way I am new here also. I am 57 divorced and have three daughters whom havent contacted me by choice in 17 yeras . Welcome and have a great
Goodafternoon Leslie. Like you I have written for years. I didn't think much about it for years but I also burned inside to be a writer. I am not much of a critic in that I have only written for me and my style is a bit like yours. Poetry to me though is what you feel and not so much structure. The cantor and rhyme and rhytumn are important but there are many styles. It is to me the content and the way it moves the reader. Your piece is moving and the feelins of betrayal are well put. Thanks S A Gibbins
If I may give any advise and I might add that I'm not much qualified; I like the free form of this. I also like you switching gears with the rhyme and rhythum. I never paid attention in school nor could I tell you what is proper or not in structure but I am learning. But for me I write what I feel and sometimes very intensely. What is on this site is rather newly created except for one or two items. The rest are in storage but thats another story why.
It is truely sad when after a long relationship you feel sad; lonely; unappreciated; or as you put it Obselete. Even though I am a man I do understand and yes men sometimes feel that way too but I suspect we are more on the guity side of the issue. I was married once for 18 years. I screwed the whole thing up by losing sight of what is real life. I should have worked hard at keeping what I had instead of looking back now in hindsight withregret. Thanks for this item. S A Gibbins
Thank you for this post. I ahve to admit that I didnt expect this subject matter. It is funny how sometimes help comes in ways we least expect it. Perhaps after the rain came you had to rethink those bad thoughts you once had and ask for forgiveness. At any rate I enjoyed it Thanks S A Gibbins
Goodafternoon and thank you for this piece. It is very strongly written and flows nicely from begining to end. In a short time you delevoped 4 characters enough for us to get a good mental picture. And built up to the finale with the train suddenly crashing. There lives changed forever. Wonderful. S A Gibbins
I enjoyed this read very much. You are as you said - everything and nothing. I would curious to hear how you view yourself. As a christian are you a fence sitter? A believer but a doughter. Do you see all of mankind as both god and devil. Good and bad. Or is this a way of saying "I am not sure what I am" where I am in God's eyes and so forth. Thanks for this thought provokeing piece. S A Gibbins
Thank you for this very moving account. I can feel it very deeply. Having gone through this situation myself it has even deeper meaning and I am sure that you have put your heart into this piece.
I will suggest that you both spell check and purhaps thinks about the rhythm as you reread it. I'm no expert mind you we all can learn here. Thank you for this post. S A Gibbins
Goodafternoon and thanks for posting this beautiful post. It is well written and the contents are choosen very well verse by verse. I did see a few places where you might reword a few things to improve the meter but they are few . L liked it because it took me from beginning to end with a nice flow and transition. Have a great day. S A Gibbins
Goodmorning and how are you. This is a moving account and I will assume it is true also. Finding your self helpless is a scary thing indeed. Discovering the fact that you might not be found in time to get help is another. Personally I would have liked to read more. Like the thoughts you had which must have been many more then discribed. For instance thinking about what if no one finds me. Dying of starvation or a host of other things. But enough said because who am I to critique.LOL Thank you for this post. I enjoyed it alot. Keep writing and Thanks S A Gibbins
I have a big smile for this one. Welcome to Writing.com from all of us. I am new myself. You will find this a wonderful site. This is a very nice poem and I would have liked to read some more. Maybe you will expand it some day. Well done and have a great day. S A Gibbins
Goodmorning and thank you for your post. I am sorry that I had to click out before giving my review. This is an interesting piece for me personally. I really like your comparison with water, river or ocean. I kinda wish I could have a dream like this. I would like to see you add to this. Content is good. Rhyme and
meter are pretty good . Water is a bit like life. It keeps flowing on. At times it comes to an eddy, a whirlpool, rapids. It may grow wide and shallow or into swift running channels. I myself have choose this
topic and comparison myself in verse. Lord knows where I put it. Some box in a corner. This is a wonderful site for you and me to grow and learn from others. Like you I am new here and enjoy both the reviews and comments as well as the instruction. Thanks for this post and look forward to some of your others stuff. Have a great day. Please don't mind the GP thing. I like to give 100 for each star. Most don't it's just me
so I don't need any special thanks. Have a great day. S A GIBBINS
Hello again Maunchin. This was a nice love poem.
Short and sweet. The second stanza had me a bit confused though. "my fresh baked pie sounds a bit like it's already made and hence why need the apples? Other then that--- write on. Thanks and have a great day. S A Gibbins
I really like the content of this piece. I do believe that you could rewrite this and improve it a bit. You certainly have the skills and talent. Perhaps breaking it up in stanzas and working a bit on meter and rhyme.
Perhaps you could lengthen it a bit too. You have so many good things said here and it would be nice to see you expand more.
Imagine carrys so much weight. The world would be such a better place and it only takes a little insight to see all the crap around us. I often wonder why people don't just wake up and do something. Your words are powerful. Words like this need to be echoed in the UN and government. Maybe our leaders could make the world better. Keep writing my friend I always enjoy your posts. S A Gibbins
Nicely written. I really like the comparison between the Golden chain and friendship. Your meter and rhyme is pretty good. Content is excelent too. I smiled when I read this part. stanza 4 lines 3 and 4. I wrote a similar poem that is " just give me back one precious friend" " a friend worth more then gold". It is very similar. Not to say anything taken away from yours. It seems that the comparison is so appropriate when it comes to friendship. And like me you have great use of it here in this item. Thank you for posting this. S A Gibbins
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/grzzbrdover/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.25 seconds at 11:31pm on Apr 26, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
