Hi there ! "Gasp!" Your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
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General Impressions I felt sorry and sad for the lady. Maybe I'm too curious but I really wanted to know what happened to her man to cause her to die from a broken heart?
Favorite Parts It began to swallow her in the same manner the cold had: slowly but surely wrapping its tendrils around her, smothering her. I liked that part because of the way you described it the coming of night. It also could be the coming of death as well very nicely done.
Plot We normally for a short story check title, description, and story to see the plot and if you stayed true to it. The description and the story match. The title could be better. Now what did I mean by that, I meant what does "Broken" tell us about this story. Now if you had said "Heart Broken" it matches the story. Another suggestion "Broken Love."
Characters You did great with your main character. Example: "She sat alone in the corner of the room, her knees pulled up to her chest, her face buried in her hands. She lost track of the amount of time she had remained there. She only knew the longer she sat there, the more the cold creeped up into her bones."
Setting You did your setting well we know for sure she is in a room with a grandfather clock and one window. Besides that is really all we really need to know because the real action is the main character and not the room.
Dialog You told this in third person so it is all dialog and you told it well.
Presentation Okay this part is if you are just writing for fun or just using the site for storage, ignore the rest. To me presentation is what professionals do to get noticed as well as sell their work. Some tips you need to format your work it needs to be just like I'm reading a book that was published. Indented, broken into paragraphs, two spaces after each period. The reason why they consider this profession work is because it appeals to readers of all kinds. It doesn't fatigue the eyes, or make it hard to read, because most readers refuse to read things that are not professional, especially editors or publishers looking for new work. You are a professional and with a little tweaking so can this story be a shining example of great writing.
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation
She only knew the longer she sat there, the more the cold creeped up into her bones. <--- Suggestion replace creeped with crept.
There was no anger, no fear. Simply sadness. The sadness of loss. Heartbreak in its purest form. <--- You need to run these together to make one sentence. Example: "There was no anger, no fear, simply sadness, the sadness of loss, Heartbreak in its purest form."
The more she cried, the more empty she felt.<--- A suggestion get rid of "more empty" and put "emptier" in their place.
Eventually, she ran out of tears. All of her bent emotions now gone. <--- you should combine these two sentences like this: "Eventually, she ran out of tears, all of her bent emotions now gone."
Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.
Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!
You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.
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