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Review Requests: OFF
459 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to give a fair honest review on anything. I believe in giving every review a custom review and not a cookie cutter. I will point out all the mistakes as well as offer or show help to fix it.
I'm good at...
In depth reviews. I check flow, some grammar if it pulls the reader out of the story. I also check consistency, characters are they real, believable, or fake. I check your plot, theme, and look for flaws. I enjoy both tell and show having grown up reading tell all my life. I will help with ideas on what could make the story or chapter better.
Favorite Genres
I love comedy, sci-fi, fantasy, mysteries, and horror.
Least Favorite Genres
poetry
Favorite Item Types
Short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
poetry
I will not review...
Bad poetry because I really don't know enough to help them fix it. Besides I really wouldn't know good poetry from bad. With all the different styles and structures what might not be bad at all. To me would be so rather then stick foot in mouth and chew vigorously. I would tell you the truth and say I suck at poetry and not disappoint one of the great people here on WDC.
Public Reviews
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151
151
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi there wastor64 ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 Erotic Proclivities 02  (18+)
A Heavenly Body on Her Way to Court
#1968574 by wastor64


*BulletB* General Impressions *CheckB* My general inpression was I would like to meet this lady as well.

*BulletB* Favorite Parts *CheckB*She wore medium grey wool slacks over her lovely long lean legs. They showed the curve of her beautifully. The molded perfectly to the upper curves of her bottom. The slacks cascaded down tapering as they went and accented the curve of the back of her thighs and calves before ending at her black pumps.

She also wore a powder blue sweater, soft and luxurious, with a cashmere feel. The neck was low enough to hint at the cleavage further down, and high enough to be modest by most social standards. The soft material draped over her breasts only accented the firm roundness of her c cups. The bottom of her sweater was snug against her slim waist and hugged the slight curve of her hips. She certainly had an eye for picking an outfit that flattered her curves while maintaining the air of propriety.
Very nice descriptive writing you sure make us older men want more and also wish we were the one seeing this lovely lady. That was very nicely done very tasteful. One of the best jobs I have read.

*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* If the plot in this exercise of Erotic Proclivities was to exercise the description of this young lady with sexual desires then yes you hit it on the head. but your introduction description could have been a lot better. To give you an idea of what I'm trying to show you is this: "She appeared right there at the bus stop." Vers "Heavenly body going to court." Which story would you pick to read about from those descriptions?

*BulletB* Characters *CheckB* You did a wonderful job of the main character of the story the hot lady but you over described the male story teller. I'll explain more on this below.

*BulletB* Setting *CheckB*I could picture a bus stop but it ended as soon as you got into the lady. Your describing of her made me as the reader forget about the settings and just focus on the lady. Who cares about the setting when you have such beauty standing next to you.

*BulletB* Dialog *CheckB* Since the whole story was dialog you used it well to advance your plot and use the first person in a manor that was very nicely done. Great Job!

and I was attired in my customary black sacks and shoes, with a pressed, white, cotton, French cuff dress shirt with gold scrimshaw cufflinks. With this I wore a red paisley bow tie and black waistcoat. I completed my outfit with a brown hound’s-tooth tweed jacket.
As promised the description of why I was concerned and the male description. It reads like a shopping list. You had my full attention to him at the "works at the men's wear shop." Then you hit me with all that clever touch of male clothing which doesn't advance the plot and distracts me. I already had the man's sharp dressed outfit pictured in my mind. Now you drop me out of showing and force me in to telling mode. To be honest you could actually cut that section out of the story, and it would read a lot better. The other half of the coin is if you had described your male like you did the female. It would have added a lot more spice to the story, not that I'm into gay or anything. My point is who are your readers that your directing your art to? If half or more of them are female, give them some eye candy too! Another suggestion would be to have the hot lady describe the hot man.

She slipped it no, and ran her hands through her shoulder length hair.<--- Shouldn't 'no' be 'on'?


*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
152
152
Review of Erotic Haiku 03  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi there wastor64 ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie of The Talent Pond! I am reviewing
 Erotic Haiku 03  (13+)
last one I promise!
#1968302 by wastor64


*BulletB* Personal Impression *CheckB* It reminded me of one of my eleven children. It is a kind of a cute way to express sex.

*BulletB* Tone & Mood *CheckB* The tone of this work is that of self satisfaction and the price you pay if your not careful and respect your partner.

*BulletB* Rhyme, Form & Flow *CheckB* Since it isn't a rhyming work this doesn't apply. It does follow the Haiku form and it flows well.

*BulletB* Emotional Impact *CheckB* Invoked memories of the intimate times I and my wife have spent together.

*BulletB* Grammar/Punctuation *CheckB*
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor but it is true!)


*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You are being reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
153
153
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi there Waldecam ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 Powers of Thought, Where Could You Go?  (E)
She is more powerful than anyone but her dares to comprehend.
#1968352 by Waldecam
Welcome to WDC. Nice to be able to review your work. If you have questions or need help please feel free to ask everyone here is happy to help.

*BulletB* General Impressions *CheckB* Very nice piece of short fiction. I felt as a reader it was very well done very easy to read.

*BulletB* Favorite Parts *CheckB* My favorite part was: I closed my eyes and pondered just a bit too long and hard. I thought about if the earth could feel me laying on it, and then why I was laying on it at all. Why didn't I just float away, high into the sky, never to be found again. I thought about all the magical adventures I could have, flying about the galaxy. I imagined myself rising up off of the prickly grass and smelling the wind in my face and feeling my stomach rise with the happening of weightlessness.
*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* Your title and your description match your plot. They don't mislead the reader at all.

*BulletB* Characters *CheckB* You do you character well. not over describing just enough that the reader can fill in the blanks.

*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* You did your setting well very nicely done.

*BulletB* Dialog *CheckB* It was all dialog since it was told in first person. You did a great job.

I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor but it is true!)

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
154
154
Review of The Quest  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there Devashish ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 The Quest  (E)
Its an honourable story of a teen living in a town. MUST READ
#1968217 by Devashish


*BulletB* General Impressions *CheckB* I like the story it was funny and cute. I decided to just review it as a reader and not as a grammar Nazi. So I will not be pointing out any grammar errors. Also I noticed the writing was an Asian boy trying to write in English. So some of the wording is weird to native Americans. I am not going to suggest the changes because I like the piece as it is. I gave it a four star rating because of the grammar errors thus not perfect. But it isn't run of the mill either.

*BulletB* Favorite Parts *CheckB* My favorite part was: I was dam happy ran to home. Saw the message I had her reply after a whole year Ok it was "I must not say but story has a lot of grammatical mistakes. It has no base line. Even though I liked it very much and I am eager to read its end."
I felt like I was seeing a review from some of the authors on WDC. I found it very funny and glad you have such a great sense of humor.

*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* Typical boy meets girl, boy obsesses with girl until can date girl. You worked this plot into your story well. I think you even used some of the bad grammar to bring this plot to life. Which I found extremely amusing.

*BulletB* Characters *CheckB* I felt you did the characters well. I did have problems as a reader with mum and tuition I think you need to redo it because as a reader It stopped the story and left me with a huge puzzle on who paid it did mom or a friend or did the boy?

*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* I had no problems with settings. You never over described and you were able to give enough to always picture where I was at in any given place in the story.

*BulletB* Dialog *CheckB* You did dialog well using it to advance the plot. I liked:
She asked "You still use Facebook or not?"
ME-"Anh! Yes I occasionally do"
SHE-"I reviewed your book on and sended it to u on Facebook."
ME-"Thank.." (She left)

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
155
155
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi there Mravce ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 The day before Christmas   (E)
How Christmas makes me feel
#1968226 by Mravce


*BulletB* General Impressions *CheckB* I love your view of Christmas Eve day and evening. What a joy you had growing up with those kind of memories to draw from. I think that is the real magic of Christmas is the joyful memories we all get to remember. Of the love and the giving, thank you so very much for sharing a beautiful day with us.

*BulletB* Favorite Parts *CheckB* My favorite part was: Shhh, listen a snowflake just touched the ground! The season of joy has arrived!! Quick, come over here, look outside it is magical! Christmas lights are lighting up as dusk tip-toes its way around the town. And these beautiful white crystals are dancing away to the Christmas carols, uniting as they reach a surface, piling up, giving everything a round shape. Come see how the night glows, come smell the smoke from the chimneys, come take my hand and let the snow crunch beneath your feet. Can you hear it, can you hear Santa's sleigh? Can you hear the bells, his Ho Ho Ho's, can you smell the cookies? Isn't it beautiful, all this happiness, gratefulness and selflessness? Let the magic take you away, let it play with you like kids with red cheeks on a cold winter's day. Let it hit you like a snowball out of nowhere, let it splash all over you, let it go down your back and make your spine shiver! And then let it warm you up like a crispy fireplace, a gulp of hot chocolate, a fuzzy blanket, a pair of worn gloves...

*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* I felt the plot of your writing was the feelings and memories we all have on Christmas Eve and your did a beautiful job describing it.

*BulletB* Characters *CheckB* There was only one character and it was you describing your memories. Great job on showing us your great memories.

*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* You described the town and house hold well. You were bring the view outside my window of the snowy fields alive. Very nicely done!

*BulletB* Dialog *CheckB* It was all dialog I really enjoyed the ending:
Shhh, listen a wish just flew by! The season of dreams has arrived! Quick come over here, look inside it is peaceful!! Children are tucked in as their minds behind their closed eyes make their way to wonderland. And these bundles of thoughts are carried away by the eagerness of tomorrow morning, wrapping up as they float all the way beneath the Christmas tree, putting a smile on every child's face. Come see how the lights go off, come look at heads sinking in pillows, come climb in bed and let the covers engulf your body. Can you remember it, can you remember the letter to Santa? Can you remember your childhood wish, your favorite toy, can you taste the warm milk? Isn't it beautiful, all this carelessness, warmth and innocence? Let the peacefulness take you away, let it make you sleepy like a bedtime story from your mother's lips. Let it hug you like your favorite teddy bear, let it press on you tightly, let it feel soft and fluffy and make you feel safe. And then let it make you fall into deep sleep like the last spark in the fireplace, the filament in the last Christmas light, a baby bear deep in its cave, an impatient child on Christmas' eve...

I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor but it is true!)

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
156
156
Review of Unfair  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi there Joy Hardiman ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 Unfair  (E)
A little rant of things I want to say and feel shame about.
#1968230 by Joy Hardiman

Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner*Exclaim*


*BulletB* Personal Impression *CheckB* You know some days I feel just like that. If your religious it would be "Why me lord?" But alas it will still be the same we're stuck with this hand we are dealt. As my drill instructor would say, "Boo Hoo! Get over it. Bends and Thrusts for ever! Ready! Exercise!" This part below sums me up as well.
Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning
Under the pressure I know so well
There's no-one ready to save me
No hands to catch me
No air to breathe
Just my futile hopes and dreams
Because of the excellent job you have done with this poem I give you a five star rating.

*BulletB* Tone & Mood *CheckB* I felt the tone was set really well. It set the mood of someone doing soul searching. You have set your stage well we can feel your feeling and we can relate to them as well.
It's not fair
Nothing's really fair
But I feel
Fate's given me a worse hand than most
At this metaphorical game of life
I have no cards left and have been lying for so long

*BulletB* Rhyme, Form & Flow *CheckB*Your are using a form of poetry I have only seen once. I remember what I saw and your doing it correctly as far as I can tell, very nicely done. It does flow very well. I enjoyed the feel of it. As well as how well it flowed when I read the whole thing. This part was really well done!
I want to be strong
I want to be pretty
I want to be normal
I want my friends to be my friends
I want my life to not screw me round
Is that so much too ask for?

*BulletB* Emotional Impact *CheckB*We are always wondering why can't we just be allowed to be our real selves? You know sometimes when I look at my "real self" I am glad things don't allow me to be a real insensitive jerk I could be.

*BulletB* Grammar/Punctuation *CheckB* You know the really challenging part is trying to find bad grammar in this poem. You did such a good job in writing it that if there is any I'm not going to catch it.
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor but it is true!)

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

This is a Paper Dragon Gang Newbie review

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
157
157
Review of For You  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there CarpeNoctem ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 For You  (E)
About giving everything you have to be with someone who doesn't even know you exist.
#1968118 by CarpeNoctem


*BulletB* Personal Impression *CheckB* I see a woman who is in a selfish relationship. With some jerk of a man, who has mounted her on his trophy wall.
*BulletB* Tone & Mood *CheckB* You set your mood as a woman begging this creep to be her partner. I can feel her heart breaking and the pain in her.
*BulletB* Rhyme, Form & Flow *CheckB* You were very good in your rhyming until that last stanza. From and flow was great for the whole work.
*BulletB* Emotional Impact *CheckB*I could feel her heart breaking, and as a male what I wouldn't do to find a woman like that. So willing to give all for the one she loves.
*BulletB* Grammar/Punctuation *CheckB* I want you to read out loud this stanza. The rest of the poem was awesome but this part is a big oops.
I can't so this anymore, its killing me, <--- Shouldn't 'so' be do?
Waiting for a day when you'll really see.
So when you finally want me, I'll be gone.
I'm tired of breaking for you, I'm done.
<--- You need to redo these lines they don't rhyme, it messes up your whole symmetry. Some suggestions for example:
So when you finally want me, I'll not be a pawn.
I'm tired of breaking for you, I'm gone.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
158
158
Review of The Hangman  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there Robert Knight ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 The Hangman  (13+)
A man gets hanged.
#1967542 by Robert Knight


*BulletB* General Impressions *CheckB* Robert I enjoyed your story. You use descriptive writing very well. I feel threatened, it looks like your trying to take my title from me. "The Run-on King." But since this is a short story I do have you beat because I have two novels full of run-ons.

*BulletB* Favorite Parts *CheckB* Lord Beltaire slowly steps back to the doorway and pulls the doors open to see the prisoner's limp body hanging like a pathetic dead sack. The crowd slowly disperses, the entertainment had ceased and the hangman is preparing to remove the corpse. The man had a family. The man had a life and a vision for the future. Lord Beltaire stares off into the air, looking back at his father's great castle, his great accomplishments, his great victory over life. He gained such a victory as to accumulate so much, such a victory as to prosper with so much. And when he died, he left it all to his only son, grateful and loving towards the only mentor he had ever had. And he remembers him with that painting.
I like this part because it tells me what your doing in the story.

*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* I gather your plot was how we like to kill off the ones who know what they want out of life while the seething masses just live on their pointless lives.

*BulletB* Characters *CheckB* From the reader's point of view I felt I didn't get to know the person being hanged. I felt there was some connection to Lord Beltaire. Other than an object for the hate of knowing where your going really doesn't tell me anything about the dead man.

*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* You painted your setting really well. I had no problems visualizing them. I noticed you went to great lengths to tell us more about the feelings of our surroundings. They were the better parts.

*BulletB* Dialog *CheckB* "Seems like today, there's just less and less of you". He rests the body in the back of his wagon and the horse pats the ground with its hooves, clacking against the cold ground.
You used your dialog well, and it advanced your plot good job.

Lord Beltaire stands behind his white polished railing bearing his eyes upon the center square in front of the Testle Market, just south of the great fountain that stands along the side of Lord Hamerson's manor. His fingers tightly fold behind his back and his arms cling to his sides as a man in raggedy patched cloths is lead up to the platform. The tall wooden beams sway slightly in the wind that carries the Fall leaves up like little birds flying away, their small wings shimmering in light reds and brownish yellows in contrast against the grainy stone and white marble in the center square. A quick chill runs down Lord Beltaire's skin and crawls out through the sleeves of his coat, the white frills sticking out to warm his arms which tighten behind his back as the roughly clothed man is masked by a dimly thick sack. The wind rushes in behind Lord Beltaire and through the double doors to fill the room.

Okay this is the hard part I want you to read this paragraph out loud, and notice where you pause and where you bulk at. Those places are where you need to either place a comma or put a period. This is one of the best written set of run-ons I have ever found. The reason I'm taking time and showing you this. With the heavy descriptive writing that you do. If you run five sentences into one, your reader stops reading, and goes someplace else to read. Without the correct punctuation your writing is clunky, slow reading, and hard to find what your trying to tell us. If you would go back in and put the correct spacing in your work when you upload it. This too really helps the reader. Remember your an artist with words and with any artist we take pride in our work. Salesman ship is everything as well. Good spacing, punctuation, and the beautiful way you write will see you go far. I didn't find one misspelling in this piece. Now if I could just get that good myself.


*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.
*Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
159
159
Review of Who's Out There?  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi there brin ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie of The Paper Dragon Gang! I am reviewing
 Who's Out There?  (18+)
A lone traveler is baffled by strange sounds in the night.
#1967591 by brin


PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions *CheckB* I enjoyed your story. It was written as if you experienced it yourself. I liked your writing style. I felt like I was reading a professional piece and not newbie work.

*BulletB* Favorite Parts *CheckB* We’d been married for forty one happy years and then one day she was gone. I stayed in the house for almost a year after she passed but somehow it just wasn’t quite right anymore, being there without her I mean. The kids were all grown and gone and I had a steady retirement check coming in complete with all of the bells and whistles. One day I realized the walls were starting to close in on me and I knew it was time to leave and so I did.
I liked this piece for two reasons you did a really good job of involving us with your character and you set a plot hook into us that makes us want to find out more about this character.

*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* You did the best job of keeping my interest in the story as you built up to the finding the ghost and the road side marker. I would have liked to known more about the ghost but that's just the reader curiosity in me lol.

*BulletB* Characters *CheckB* You did one of the best jobs ever building up the description of the main character. It was like you were describing yourself. You did it slowly not just doing a data dump on the reader. I enjoy the stories I read when they are not over described.

*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* You know what is really funny is the road you were traveling down from Kemmer to I-80 I used to drive truck over a lot. I was servicing the oil and gas wells in that area. I was stationed out of Rock Springs, Wyoming. I never saw those trees except going across the Wyoming, Idaho boarder. But hey writer's license. I'm just giving you a bad time. A point could be made since from Labarge, Wyoming to I-80 is nothing but sagebrush, your setting could have been off. But the average Joe reader wouldn't know this. Back to reader, I found the setting very believable and to some degree close to real life. You did a great job of bringing your settings to life.
*BulletB* Dialog *CheckB* Since this was all dialog because it was told in first person great job. You used the descriptions and your travel log well to advance your story and plot. You wrote it so well it is almost as if this was a real event and really happened. Very nice job.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
160
160
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there pearleid }! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 how about my pride  (13+)
what many women feel
#1967452 by pearleid


*BulletB* Personal Impression *CheckB*This is an interesting piece. What drew me to it was your visual shape of the body of your words and the spacing if you look at it. You will notice it is shaped like a woman minus the head part. It pretty much is exactly what most men first look at on a woman.
*BulletB* Tone & Mood *CheckB* I found your mood that of a woman getting her heart wrenched out by some heartless jerk.
*BulletB* Rhyme, Form & Flow *CheckB*Since this is free form I'm not looking for rhyme. The flow is well, it reads easy and it does flow from line to line.
*BulletB* Emotional Impact *CheckB* It makes me sad this guy has this lady's heart and all he wants is just her body. That really is cruel and just plain selfish. One of these days he might wake up and realize what he lost. Then spend the rest of his life trying to find it again.
*BulletB* Grammar/Punctuation *CheckB* As with most poetry punctuation is where the author wants it lol. Personally I see no reason to fault a writer for using more than one exclamation point to drive a point home or draw attention to a plot point.

The only issue I have with your poem is the silly description. Let's look at it for a few if I may. I am going to explain this from the readers point of view not from a writers point of view. Okay title = "how about my pride." Notice you didn't take any pride in the way you presented your title and that is great it is telling us a lot all ready about the poem. Now the description = "what many women fell." I feel from the readers point that is a huge oops. Again no pride in it. I feel it has either a typo or your referring to something like Eve's fall from the garden, which by the way isn't referenced in the poem. Now the statement "what many women feel" really makes more sense and does add to the poem. It also adds to the imagery that the title set for us as well. You know it is kinda weird to get so worked up over such a silly thing. The truth is with poetry your messing with feelings and imagery it can effect the readers this way. Please fix it. This would have been a 5 star review your poem is that good.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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Review of The Rukjan  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there 256 ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 The Rukjan  (E)
The Dream That Can Never Be Shook
#1967394 by 256


*BulletB* General Impressions *CheckB*I found the story interesting. I love to read in the sci-fi and fantasy genre which this has elements of and also horror. The story once I started to read it was great. It sucked me in wouldn't let me loose until I finished it. The last line still has my interest peaked. I'm still trying to figure out if they are going to die, or is it all a dream, or will the Rukjan let them be because of the whale?

*BulletB* Favorite Parts *CheckB* The whale shot directly into the mouth of the Rukjan, and it immediately froze. A very high pitched squeal began to emanate around the room as the Rukjan began to vibrate and undulate. The movements became larger and larger and the noise lower and lower until the thing before us seemed to evaporate into the very matter around us. We both stood in shock for what seemed like hours. When I finally realized that I was feeling regular and increasingly intense vibrations through my feet, I snapped back to reality. I looked over and Sera was gone.
I liked this part the best with nothing but dispare and death he feeds that monster with a toy stuffed whale. I love the irony of it all and I like the end results. Very nicely written.

*BulletB* Plot *CheckB*This is something as a reviewer that I watch for and that is title and description do they match the plot. Now the reason I am even bringing these up is most of the time they all match or are very close. It was a fast way for me to see if you stuck to your plot. As a reader the plot I pulled out of this was how a brother and sister faced Armageddon. The title was great. But the description, you never gave me any clues to tie in the dream part at all. In fact the description is very misleading. Which does tend to disappoint the reader when your telling him one thing and story is telling him differently. The real plot you wrote the story about is great. I liked the idea and the way you showed what your version of Armageddon is.

*BulletB* Characters *CheckB*This was one of the best reads I have read so far for character development. You don't over describe them. You give me just enough for me to find them interesting as well as entertaining. I enjoyed the way you described the Rukjan.

*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* You did a wonderful job on describing the comfort centers as well as the new world that the brother and sister lived in. You are doing a great job of making the reader share the experience with your characters as well as the settings.

*BulletB* Dialog *CheckB* You only had two lines of dialog and they were fine. Since this was a first person as told by the brother you didn't need a lot of dialog to advance the plot and the story. But the last piece from the sister I found interesting. As we let go of each other, our tear-filled eyes met and Sera asked me, “Can we still have dinner together tomorrow?”

I dove the couple and threw the whale in my hand at the Rukjan.<-- If you read this piece out loud it makes no sense. My mind keeps filling in "I dived at the couple " My suggestion is to ask you to rework this as I feel your the best person to do it.

The whale shot directly into the mouth of the Rujkan,<--- I see you have a dyslexic keyboard as well. I'm not trying to be mean or nit pick. I know I would like to know all the flaws with my work so I can fix it and polish it up to perfection. From the work you have done on this story I felt you would like to know them as well. When you look at the word count and I could only find two mistakes. That is very good writing and great editing skills as well.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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162
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there Norky ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie from the Paper Dragon Gang! I am reviewing
 Eli's Reminisces [Part 1]  (E)
A mystery in the 1940's
#1967336 by Norky


PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions *CheckB* You start out your story well. It is a good beginning. Is this story going to be a novel or just a short story is my main question? The reason I am asking is for reviewing it correctly. I will review it as a short story for now and from the reader point of view. The one item that everyone likes to find in stories is line spacing and paragraphs. I know from being a newbie that getting these stories into your portfolios can be interesting. I used to double space mine. The trick I found was load it in. Close out of it, come back to the portfolio, and now on this entry is options. I use the edit option and go in and fix up my spacing.

*BulletB* Favorite Parts *CheckB* It was hose 309 on Ridington St. I was Vice co president for the Jr. detective club. My best friend Sally Mouse lived next door at house 311. She was my age at the time, and came from New York. She had bright green eyes and long wavy brown hair. Her skin seemed to be the perfect amount of a slight tan. She was about an inch shorter than me. Sally was the other vice co president. Now shall we get back to the story or not. Good! Okay were was I now. Oh yes at the beginning. One day about 70 years ago. I was playing a board game with my little sister Susie and my Uncle Ken when the telephone started to ring.” I liked this part mostly for the story set up you did with it.

*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* I am assuming your plot is finding the two missing boys and the rubies. For a novel your doing a great job of setting us up for the real plot a few chapters down the road. Your doing your character build up nicely but I as a reader think you over doing it but that is just my opinion as me the writer/reader in this case.

*BulletB* Characters *CheckB* You have set up your characters well. A question arises as to why you took time to do so much description on Jessie when the main story is about Grandma. Does she have a main character spot to play other than interrupt grandma's story?

*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* You got into controlling what the reader sees here instead of giving us an idea to form our own fill in with. In a short story this does stall reading, and at some points makes us the reader drop the story. This is based for the short story part. But in a novel your building up what we need to know in future chapters which is done nicely.

*BulletB* Dialog *CheckB* Your dialog is great but you do need to go back and double check the punctuation in some of it. We all make these small little things that seem to drive judges and editors nuts in reading our works. I enjoyed the dialog greatly I saw how you used it to add flavor and spice it up a bit as well. Your using the grandma and excited child extremely well in a very believable fashion.

When she got to Grandma Eli’s Jamie was just setting down a cup of steaming hot tea on a platter with biscuits on the table.<-- From a readers point of view this sentence is distracting. It took me a few minutes to figure out who was was who in it. May I suggest a rewrite on it. Something along the lines of: "When Jessie got to Grandma Eli's, the cook was just setting down a cup of steaming hot tea, with a platter of biscuits, on the table."

“Oh yes miss! I did! Thank you Jamie” answered Jessie.<--- This next part, if I called my Grandma miss she would smack me for insulting her. She being a proper lady would insist on me calling her grandma and nothing else. I could get away with using mam as well. But to call a married elderly lady miss is an insult.

“I was about two inches taller than you my dear with brown eyes, and dishwater blond hair along with tan skin.<--- May I suggest something that I found interesting about descriptions in my writing. If they have no real use in your plot, but are just more word count. Drop them the reason is like a lady's purse. Everyone knows what is inside a lady's purse. The only thing we would describe as being in the lady's purse is what will carry the plot forward. An example is the plot is getting to Dallas Texas and inside the purse is two plane tickets to Dallas. My point is what does tan skin and dishwater blond do to the plot? Besides you did this description earlier with Jessie so just say instead: "I was about two inches taller than you my dear." This doesn't over describe Grandma to us and your carrying the plot forward. One other trick is to add the plot carrying items in different parts of your narrative instead of in one long dull sentence. Such as: "Jessie smoothed down her short blond hair as she ran to grandma's house."

It was hose 309 on Ridington St. <--- I found this miss spelling pretty amusing. I would suggest hose be house.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

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163
Review of The Face on Mars  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there brin ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 The Face on Mars  (13+)
One conspiracy theory explained.
#1966904 by brin


PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions *CheckB*I found your story amusing and different. The only real Issue I had with it was spacing. Your not stuck with writing ML upload spacing. You are allowed to edit your work and put blank lines in the document but the indentation threw me for a loop for a while. It wasn't until I learned that you can put {} and stick the word indent between them and it automatically does the correct indent on your paragraphs. Rather cool in some places a pain in the back side in others. The other reason is spacing makes the readers job so much easier and a lot of reviewers will pass up good reads because, "Gasp! You guessed it we are lazy."
*BulletB* Favorite Parts *CheckB* “Let me see if I’ve got this right” Henry asks, rubbing his chins “You want thousands and thousands of us to work years and years on that hill over there so that thousands of years from now an alien may send a satellite over and see the face we made…”
“If they do it at the right time of day…” George interrupts.
“At the right time of day” Henry continues “So that they’ll know we were here ten thousand years ago?”
“You’ve got it!” George exclaims, clapping his hands together gleefully.
I still have a smirk on my face from that part. It is funny and only aliens would do something like that just for those reasons because us humans wouldn't lol.
*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* You were right on and the title and the description were exactly correct with your story. I did enjoy it especially the aliens.
*BulletB* Characters *CheckB* I loved Harry and George. Great job on doing them you gave use just enough description to picture what our minds wanted to see down there on mars.
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* You set up your stage really well. You left tons of room for our minds to envision the story and plot. As well as get a good chuckle.
*BulletB* Dialog *CheckB* “You know” George says to his friend “We won’t always be here and I think it would be a really neat idea if we could leave something for alien races to find thousands of years from now so that they’ll know we were here”
“Huh?” Henry replies.
“You know, a legacy. Maybe a monument of some sort. Yeah, a Monument, that would be great, really neato!”
“Uh, a monument? What kind of a monument?” Henry asks.
“Oh, something big, really big. Something a bit subtle but really big, just the same.”
I found this dialog funny and amusing. I feel you did a great job with it. I loved the satire and irony of it all. It was a great plot push as well.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.


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164
Review of I Am Blind  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there Graceless }! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 I Am Blind  (E)
My vision is so bad, I'm legally blind. I enjoy it.
#1966910 by Graceless


Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner*Exclaim*


*BulletB* Personal Impression *CheckB* I am blind,
but I can see.
without my lenses,
I see more
than you do.
I feel freer
than you do.
because the blurs
mean I'm human.
(b)The first stanza pretty much says it all. I like the descriptions you use when your giving us a picture of what your life is like behind blurry eyes. My only question is if your vision is so bad how can you read this? Just kidding *Exclaim**Bigsmile*
*BulletB* Tone & Mood *CheckB* From a reader's point of view the tone is: I'm set free of the burdens of real sight brings like crime, violence, misery, and defeat. Your mood is one of that you are free to enjoy what the rest of us have to endure. your proud to be blind because in a way your better off than the rest of the apes that do have sight. You know writing to have this kind of impact on a reader in poetry is not easy great job my friend.
*BulletB* Rhyme, Form & Flow *CheckB* This is the area that I had a really hard time with. You see a couple of stanza's rhymed example:
I am blind,
but I can see.
Because I have
experienced things,
you sighted people
never will.
Seen things you
can't imagine,
because you see
in HD.

I am blind,
but I can see.
Because this is not
a disability.
I am going to say that this is natural rhyming and the poem is written in free style form and ignore the rhyming. But it does confuse the reader in reviewing is all. It flows smoothly I didn't really find any rough spots in your stanzas. Nice job I know that part takes a lot of work.
*BulletB* Emotional Impact *CheckB* Okay now this is the part where I have two or three emotions about it. Please understand The impact this poem has on me will differ than from a normal person. Once you have crawled though a real battle field over the dead bodies of your once living friends, the sounds, sights, and smells jade your perception a bit. My emotional reaction to this is: I feel that person is proud of their difference. The person feels that they are better than us. The person also uses it to their advantage. When you really look at it. The person really is acting just like the rest of us.
*BulletB* Grammar/Punctuation *CheckB* From the reader point of view I didn't notice any it read smooth nothing caused me to pause or jerk out of my reading of it. I feel you did a great job with this poem. It was hard to find the elements we try to review for, and quite truthfully that's not a bad thing either. I thank you for the challenge and emotions this poem stirred up.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

This is a Paper Dawg Gang Newbie review

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165
Review of So Not Normal  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi there Cassandra ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 So Not Normal  (ASR)
Hey guys this is my new book about a girl with school problems. Don't forget to review!
#1962419 by Cassandra


PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions *CheckB* I decided to check out chapter 1 to see what I had missed. Your writing is a lot more polished on this chapter. Pretty much a great job on the mannerisms on your character. I feel I should warn you that what your doing is great, but down the road when the slag changes, with the next generation of school kids. This language will date your work. If your striving to write as a professional writer you want to watch out for things that can date your work.
*BulletB* Favorite Parts *CheckB* "So, how was school?" I wasn't surprised to hear the famous question every mom asked their daughter on the first day of school

"Hmm. Fine. Cool," I replied back the famous answer that every daughter said to their mom.

My mom sighed. "Jennyfer, why don't you be more honest to me? You really expect me to believe that?"

You know I have had the same conversation with teens through the years. You just had it all down like a real teen would do. Nice touch.
*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* Okay since this is part of a book with having read the whole book or your plot out line it is hard to say that this chaper segments were carrying your main plot forward. I am going to say that it is heading in the direction of your description we will not actually get to the real plot beginning until probbly a couple more chapters from the way your setting up the characters and the settings.
*BulletB* Characters *CheckB* Your doing great in explaining them and showing us a lot of detail. The only suggestion I have is as a reader too much detail doesn't flow well. Especially if the heavily describe character gets killed or moves out of town in the next few chapters.
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB*Your doing a great job on setting up your main areas of contention, the school class rooms and the locker hall ways. You are doing well with the home. These are not over describe which leaves us the freedom as a reader to "fill in the blanks" which is exactly what you want.
*BulletB* Dialog *CheckB* Your using the dialog well. I see a lot of pushing the plot forward in your dialog. I'm seeing more character quirks and suttle hints as to what's coming in the missing next few chapters which for novels is exactly what your looking for!

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
166
166
Review of Christmas Lights  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi there Carlakor }! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 Christmas Lights  (E)
She wondered briefly if aliens celebrated Christmas.
#1966770 by Carlakor


Welcome to WDC.

*BulletB* General Impressions *CheckB* I read this story not really knowing what to expect. It took me a few to figure out that they were watching Armageddon during the Christmas holiday. that was me not you on that the writing is very good and well done. My only real criticism was did she really have to go caroling? Which is a plot question and has nothing to do with the review.
*BulletB* Favorite Parts *CheckB* Twinkling lights reflected in her eyes. From outside the space shuttle, thousands of stars greeted her a happy holiday from light years away. She wondered briefly if aliens celebrated Christmas. I liked this part the most. It sets the stage for both the action to come and adds to the deception of what is to follow.
*BulletB* Plot *CheckB*I love the idea of Christmas at the end of the world. The title and the description don't give us a clue to the plot. But they are not misleading either. I felt they were neutral and they added to the plot twist you set us up for. By the way nice job on that.
*BulletB* Characters *CheckB* You gave us just enough detail to picture a living female cosmonaut, and her dead copilot.
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* That was quite a stage you set up. The horrifying truth that war if looked on from above would seem beautiful.
*BulletB* Dialog *CheckB* “Jenks, if you need me, I’m going to go caroling,” she called out to the empty room. She went back to the cabin and put on her space suit. She flicked on the switch to ground control.

“Feliz Navidad, Ground Control. Have a Merry Christmas.” I liked the irony in your dialog. Both to the dead copilot and to the dead ground control.

You had no noticeable grammar or punctuation errors. I'm just an optimist I think she would have lived for the hope of finding survivors. Either way it was a great story.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
167
167
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi there Lilian Colby ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a Paper Dragon Gang newbie! I am reviewing
 The Promise, Part 1  (13+)
Reuben has breezed through everything with no challenge, until her father came.
#1966551 by Lilian Colby


PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions *CheckB*I liked this story. It was well written and it flowed well. The story idea is unique and different.
*BulletB* Favorite Parts *CheckB* The same brown eyes and black hair, the same casual clothing he would always wear on "off the record" trips. "DAD!!!" I heard my self yell. I was running as fast as my feet could take me. I liked the way you showed how a child would react up the return of her father that she really loves.
*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* I like the way you told how she left and grew up making friends with her step brother and then the return of her dad you stayed true to the title and the story plot.
*BulletB* Characters *CheckB* You didn't over describe the main character. You didn't go into her mom much at all, but then if she hated her mom this would be true as well, and same for the step father. I can sort of picture her step brother but not really get a good picture of him. I still can see Robert Downy Jr as Iron man aka Tony Stark. My mind fills in the daughter as I picture a young teenager full of life and having fun.
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* We start with the Stark Mansion and it goes dim after that but then since she wasn't really happy where she was at it actually makes sense that you would find her in a college setting more then a home setting.
*BulletB* Dialog *CheckB* “Are all your things packed?” “Daddy, I don’t wanna go!” “I know, but this is your mother! She wants another chance with you.” “Why didn’t you fight for me? Why didn’t you tell Mom the truth?” “Baby, you need to understand, if I ever said something like that, I’d be taken away and you’d have to be with your Mom anyways.” “You’ll see me again soon enough, don’t worry.” “Promise?” “Promise.” We then hugged, I remember how he kissed the top of my head and whispered “I love you baby girl.”
The dialog I have shown up above is a great example of a father having a hard time letting his baby girl go it was well written and shows exactly why he has to allow her to leave.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
168
168
Review of Trigger  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi there Charlie ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 Trigger  (18+)
She's just as lost as the rest of us
#1966679 by Charlie


*BulletB* General Impressions *CheckB* Charlie my general impression was your trying to beat me out of my title of "The Run-on King". I have a sense of humor and I like to use it. Now I am still puzzled is this a poem or a short story? I am going to review it as a short story so if I guessed wrong please ignore this as it doesn't work except the grammar and punctuation. Since I'm going to review it as a reader your story idea is a good one, and I like a lot of the description on what is going on inside her head as she is trying to live out her depression.
*BulletB* Favorite Parts *CheckB* 'This is not my story' she'd repeat to her mind, she'd told herself this countless amounts of times now. She felt like sooner or later she'd cave into believing that she could fight this dark beast trying to drown her. The reason I like this part and not for the grammar is the trigger your portraying of what the young woman or girl is fighting. I was able to pick up she is fighting depression and nothing is working and all her efforts are for naught.
*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* I honestly am not really sure about it. Normally I use the title and the description to see if I guessed the plot. This is what I think it is your showing how depression feeds on itself until the only way out is to kill yourself. In your story it triggers the death of the female person.
*BulletB* Characters *CheckB*We really don't learn much about her such as age or any real character traits. And part of that is the dpression haunting her or raining on her. In this story that may not matter anyway. You do show how she is battling it and losing. That is really well done!
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB*As a reader it did take me a few lines to figure out all this was inside her mind. That's not really a bad thing as it adds to the suspense and keeps the readers attention to the story. That is what we want to achieve in our writing.
*BulletB* Dialog *CheckB* Basically the whole story was all dialog of what was going on in her mind. you did a great job with the descriptions and the end result.

Now here is what I want to suggest that will help you improve. You like me create these complex sentences and to us they are perfect. But when you take the time to stop and read it you will find they don't flow, the emphasis is on the wrong spots etc... Like below allow me to point out some suggestions if I may.

She began to call it home, a comfort feeling of the dark overwhelming her mind and body it was something she was used to something she was starting to cope with.
Suggestion:She began to call it home. A comfort feeling of the dark overwhelming her mind and body. It was something she was used to, something she was starting to cope with.

She had decided it was time to stop, stop everything she had known to try something new to let someone else in .As <-- Spacing is very important because it makes the reader drop out of your story. Also use paragraphs as well, or it confuses the reader so they have no clue what they are reading. If you use the same word twice start a new sentence with the second repeat.
Suggestion:"She had decided it was time to stop. Stop everything she had known. To try something new to let someone else in. As"
One other suggestion is to swap out the second stop and put "quit" instead of the stop. If you break up all these really long sentences you can emphasis the descriptions and hold the readers attention better.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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169
169
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there Valery Black ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 When there is nothing to say on a topic  (E)
When there is nothing to say on topic is one of my favorite poems
#1966462 by Valery Black


*BulletB* Personal Impression *CheckB* Interesting way to say nothing. I like the imagery and the montage of illusions your trying to portray as life on planet earth.
*BulletB* Tone & Mood *CheckB*I had trouble with tone and mood because there was nothing to say. (lol sorry I couldn't resist.)
*BulletB* Rhyme, Form & Flow *CheckB* Since this is free style I'm looking for it to rhyme but I do expect it to have a rythem as you read it which it does. It flows well but I'm not qualified to tell you if it fits the form or not on this poem.
*BulletB* Emotional Impact *CheckB*I found this poem fun and a good read. I enjoyed your illusions as well how to added todays technology into your pictures. Yes it had emotional impact and was very well written.
*BulletB* Grammar/Punctuation *CheckB* Since the author controls where and how it breaks and stops. It very hard to tell a run-on from a short sentence since there all short. What I judge it by, is does any part stick out. Or does it read wrong. Nothing was out of place and it actually was easy to follow and pick up the vision the author had. Good job!

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

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170
170
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi there Irwin Writer ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 Perry's Last Journal Entry  (18+)
Can keeping a journal really help keep emotions from getting out of control?
#1966483 by Irwin Writer


I promise to give a honest and unbiased view point from a readers point of view.


*BulletB* General Impressions *CheckB* I read you story from the beginning to the end. It flowed well there was no parts the dropped me out of the story. I feel it was well written and you put a lot of time and effort into it. (Even if you didn't, don't spoil the allusion *Bigsmile*.)
*BulletB* Favorite Parts *CheckB* I knew she would look hot. No affection. No marital union, kissing or touching. She wasn’t hostile. Just bored and repulsed by my lust and loneliness. Our bedrooms had been separate for three years. I was resigned that divorce was inevitable. After $24,000 spent on marriage counseling, therapy and workshops, we now took solace in our friends and casual flirtations. I knew she was hoping I would have an affair. She would get everything and plunge headlong into living the life she hungered for.
I like the way you sized up the woman and set the stage for what was going to happen as you did the rest of the build up. Great job.
*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* The title, description and plot all are on tract for what you want. I have seen a lot of misleading descriptions. It really makes the story more fun to read when everything matches.
*BulletB* Characters *CheckB* You did a wonderful job on bring your characters to life. you didn't over describe them. You gave me just enough for my mind to take over and do its thing.
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* I had no trouble invisioning “Ole Steve’s” mansion or the overstocked bar complete with bartender.
*BulletB* Dialog *CheckB*“Give me a double vodka,” I hissed at the bar tender.

“Sure buddy,” he said, his eyes riveted on the dance floor. “Have you ever seen any chic dance like that before?” he said with a smirk. “Somebody’s gonna get something good tonight.”

Nice setup for the rest of the story nothing like liquid courage to release those inner inhibitions!


*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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The Run-on King PDG Member


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171
171
Review of Winter Wonderland  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there Nellafantasia ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 Winter Wonderland  (E)
Was out walking and got inspired by the snow.
#1966247 by Nellafantasia

Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner*Exclaim*


*BulletB* Personal Impression *CheckB*I liked this short stroll down memory lane. It awoke in me some of my best memories of snowy white Christmas time. The joy I had building snowmen, the running snowball fights, the snow forts, and seeing the world covered in that soft wet white cover that nature provides.
*BulletB* Tone & Mood *CheckB*To me the tone and mood is one of enjoyment. It know there is more but I don't have the words to describe it any better.
*BulletB* Rhyme, Form & Flow *CheckB* You did well on it but your first stanza:
The crisp night air
Filled my nose
From the top of my head
Down to my toes
As a suggestion shouldn't head be hair?I feel that this would enhance the poem and it was the first thing that popped into my head. You how easy it is to edit someone else's work. If I had tried to write this I wouldn't have come anywhere as good as what you have done so please edit it your way.
*BulletB* Emotional Impact *CheckB* This poem left me longing for my lost child hood looking for the snow on all the white Christmases I remember. I most of the time get snow here but then it warms up and we get a Brown Christmas. Thank you for the stroll down memory lane while we still have a bit of the snow left.
*BulletB* Grammar/Punctuation *CheckB* You have done a great job on this. I found no grammar error or any bad punctuation.

Longing for heat
Oh what a sight
My cocoa so sweet
And just the way I like

This was my favorite part it brought back to me the old memories of my mother who always had a hot cup of cocoa with marshmallows waiting for me and my brothers. of course we would bring her snow balls to throw at us after wards. These are happy memories thank you for the memory jog!

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

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172
172
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi there lily1976pearl ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 We can never be together...  (18+)
Based on a true experience someone I know is going through in her life.
#1966319 by lily1976pearl


*BulletB* Personal Impression *CheckB*I liked this work of yours. I could understand how our past haunts us. How we struggle with our past loves. After all some times we don't get the choice to love it is forced on us.
*BulletB* Tone & Mood *CheckB*The tone is that of a person who has come to terms with the haunting and is pressing for closure. Mood is one of reflection and that she is ready to move on.
*BulletB* Rhyme, Form & Flow *CheckB*Since this is free style I'm ignoring rhyme. It fits both from and flow for free style quite well. As a reader I had no problem reading it from start to finish.
*BulletB* Emotional Impact *CheckB* I could see she is ready to move on now and needs the haunting to stop for her two past lovers. But the boy of 10 why is he haunting her. You didn't give me anything to go on, why is he even there.
*BulletB* Grammar/Punctuation *CheckB*You made no mistakes that I could detect, great job with it.

We can never be together,
You a soldier who died in Iraq,
Or you who died of cirrhosis of the liver,
You who once knew my brother,
And you who said you'd rather have alcohol over me.
I loved the way you introduced us to the two main characters of the haunting. You did a great job with the descriptions and not over describing.

There may also be a boy, perhaps around 10.
I am not your Mother,
You're no longer living honey,
It's time for you to go home,
Go into the light, that's where your Mother might be at,
She's waiting for you and loves and misses you dearly.

There is nothing wrong with this section other then where did this ghost come from? I have a few questions. 1). is he related to one of the other ghosts? 2. Is he related to the girl as a brother or step brother? 3). Is he a student she taught?

My point being you made your reader curious and wanting answers to the mystery you created with this section.


*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
173
173
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi there, nice you have you here with us on WDC ShySharla ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 Falling off the Cliff  (18+)
A girl has a fall trying to climb down a cliff.
#1966260 by ShySharla


*BulletB* General Impressions *CheckB*Your story is very interesting to me. I am reviewing it as a reader. I will point out some of the parts the break a reader out of the story so you will know what to look for when you edit it or rework it. On the whole it reads well. It has the hook that draws reader into the story.
*BulletB* Favorite Parts *CheckB* No God I wanna be with you! No God I wanna be with you! No God I wanna be with you! I woke up saying over and over again. I was so confused. I didn't know where I was. What had that dream been about? I love the way you showed how God had sent her back.
*BulletB* Plot *CheckB*Your description, title, and plot all match great job on being consistent.
*BulletB* Characters *CheckB*You did a great job of giving enough information to form the characters in our minds. It was easy to bring this story alive in our minds.
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB*You picked a beautiful landscape for us to see as you described it. You did a great job without over describing it. It flowed well and other than the two point I listed below.
*BulletB* Dialog *CheckB* You used a lot of internal dialog with the main character which enhanced this story and pressed the plot forward.

It wasn't a bad idea cause the boy was cute and he did like me bt we were both very quiet people and never talked unless asked a direct question by someone.<--- I think you meant 'but' the spell checker missed it. One of the best ways to catch these is to actually read the story out loud before you hit save or upload.

So I hurried to a place where it looked promising to climb down and maybe make it to the bottom where I would hitch hick away to anywhere but here or at my home where they were crazy and I was crazy around them. <---Looks like your joining the run-on competition. Also shouldn't 'hick' be hike. Wait until you have two books to edit for run-ons. The nice and kindly people here are helping me with my problem. A suggest from what I have been shown is:" So I hurried to a place where it looked promising to climb down. I figured I could make it to the bottom, where I would hitch hike away to anywhere, but here or at my home where they were crazy, and I was crazy around them.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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The Run-on King PDG Member


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
174
174
Review of The Follower  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there Nitin ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 The Follower  (E)
Follower of God
#1965975 by Nitin


*BulletB* Personal Impression *CheckB* I liked the poem as a whole. You did a great job with it. I know I could never create as good a work as you did here.
*BulletB* Tone & Mood *CheckB* An interestering way to show how our savior felt about his followers but in the end if you look at the world today your poem pretty much hits that mark.
*BulletB* Rhyme, Form & Flow *CheckB* I am reviewing this from the reader prospective it rhymes very well it has great flow and also it did keep my interest all the way to the end.
*BulletB* Emotional Impact *CheckB* The emotional impact I got from it was at the last part where only a faun was still there the savior would still take time to greet it.
*BulletB* Grammar/Punctuation *CheckB* One of his follower was there waiting to be embraced.<--- Shouldn't follower be plural here even if it is meant to be singular. It stands out, my reader's mind wants that 's' in there, for some some silly reason. The irony in all this is it had to be the last line with a possible oops. It is also my most favorite line because it is the picture of the savior that I truly hold in my mind and heart of hearts.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!
This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
175
175
Review of The encounter  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
         Hi there zaira ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 The encounter  (E)
short story
#1965371 by zaira


*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* I enjoyed the descriptive way you kept us trying to figure out why this girl was lost in the woods around her village.
*BulletB* Character *CheckB* You did well on Sonia. You lost me on the man.
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* Very good descriptions on the settings I had no trouble seeing why a shadow got lost on such a foggy bleak day.

         All though since I am reviewing this as a reader. You did bore me a bit with too much description. But you really made my day when I realized a man had a female shadow. I could just picture the sexy curves this man would show off as he walked with a female shadow. Pretty funny that one, I wonder what his wife would think when she noticed the shadows curves. I would love to see that happen. I bet it would be extremely funny watching him try to explain that one!

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

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The Run-on King PDG Member


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