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329 Public Reviews Given
329 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I do not use templates, I prefer to send my thoughts in letter form. But be forewarned most of my reviews are over 5000 characters in length. More especially the first. Seconds and third reviews tend to be more concise as I learn what you would have me comment on.
I'm good at...
Being,(or at least trying to be) objective, never forgetting why we are all looking for reviews.
Favorite Genres
Epic Fantasy, Historic, Action, Crime Drama, Techno-thrillers, and many of the classics. I like some erotica when tastefully presented with a plot that could be plausible. I think snippets of porn lack talent and are just graphic self-indulgence.
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry: but only because I am not very good at it. That is not to say I am unwilling to share the emotion your poem may invoke, you must understand you will get what I feel, with little help on any technical aspects.
Favorite Item Types
I am eclectic! I truly like everything, my favorite is whatever the book is in my hand at the time you ask the question.
Least Favorite Item Types
I'm not a big fan of Gay (male homosexual erotica)But to exclude any genre based on perceived phobias is to lessen my understanding of our art. How can I succeed with a closed mind, when the opposite is what creative writing is all about?
I will not review...
Nothing is off limits I believe as writers we must be willing to understand the entire spectrum of our art, even if a particular area is disturbing to us. Testing our limits is what makes us better at what we do. It does not make us into what we may read or comment on. To have an opinion one must first experience the subject even if it is only in the peripheral. If you are never exposed to a germ, that germ can become paralyzingly dangerous. Minor exposure can sometimes give immunity.
Public Reviews
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Review of A Green Queen  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Beholden Here's my real review. Again, I apologize for mixing up your review with another. Now I have to go back and make sure I did not screw up the other contestant's review by injecting your prose into theirs?

Also, I hope you will forgive the bit of fluff this review holds. This past February, I interviewed for an editor position with DW Books (part of The Daily Wire Plus). I did not get the position… I was told my samples were too "Plain Jane" and lacked the level of sophistication they expected. So, I am working on developing this magical "Review Speak" they are seeking.

I did not include SPAG issues; this was a contest story entry, not a copy-editing exercise. But I tried to contain the different scenes, images, and nuances I saw in your story. I often find these insights from others in my work interesting. They frequently see or read into my stories things that I did not realize I had used or allowed in my story.

Literary Review: A Green Queen

"A Green Queen," a visionary exploration of the juxtaposition between the natural world and the march of progress, invites its readers into a realm where mythical and mechanical entities intertwine. The short story, set on an unassuming island known as Ierne, unfolds with Hermione, the Green Queen of the Unseen, as its central figure whose presence and command over the mystical water dragon Haaganfeld serve as the fulcrum of the narrative.

The protagonist, Hermione, emerges from the breaks between traditional fantasy and steampunk motifs, crafting a regal and enigmatic identity. Her water dragon's mechanical failure strands between them, invoking the central conflict of nature against technology and introducing the theme of The Unseen Realms. The spluttering of Haaganfeld, an unexpected companion composed of technological wonders, contrasts with the pristine and pre-industrial civilization on the shores of Ierne. This encounter lays the groundwork for Hermione's further explorations, character development, and the story's thematic revelations.

Thematic Dissection:

Thematically intense, the narrative hinges on the dichotomy of Nature vs. Technology, an always-timely meditation on modernity's advancements and their effects on our planet. Through Hermione's acute perception and relationship with Haaganfeld, the tale unveils the delicate balance between human (or humanoid) creation and the raw force of nature.

Another profound theme is that of The Unseen Realms, a call beckoning toward elements outside human sensory experience, fields held within the boundaries of fantasy. Through Hermione's encounter with the mystical aspects of Ierne, the story ponders the extent of unfathomable beauty and power living in places untarnished by human presence.

The alluring Power of Imagination attains further depth. It acts as a catalyst in the saga, underlining the story's essence—forging a world where the magical and mechanical coalesce, leaving readers eager to suspend disbelief and accept the extraordinary as plausible.

Character Development and Plot Structure

Character-wise, the text competently captures Hermione's evolution. Initially, a sovereign of an unknown dimension, she soon becomes an explorer cast into vulnerability and awe as she confronts the elements of Ierne. Her development is both inward, as she empathizes with the unknown world, and outward, as she grapples with the unpredictability of her dragon ship.

Plot-wise, the structure remains simple yet effective. The storyline unfolds by delicately revealing layers of the island's atmosphere, accompanied by the protagonist's reactions and discoveries, starting with an abrupt landing. The progression holds steady, binding the reader's interest in Hermione's adventure and her merger with the mystical environment.

Suggestions for Improvement:

While the unique amalgamation of genres is fascinating, there is room for an enhanced writing style. The prose sometimes jostles between ornate descriptions and austere dialogue, warranting a more seamless diction that can further amplify readability. Subtle adjustments to foreshadowing and pacing could also improve the balance of the brisk unfolding of events, adding suspense and depth to the storytelling.

Consistency in world-building can further empower the reader's immersion—a more thorough exposition of The Unseen Realms, for instance, and how Hermione's kingdom interweaves with technology could provide a richer backdrop for the tale's events.

Last, if the author meticulously develops Hermione's emotional dimension throughout the narrative, the reader could develop a deep, empathic connection to her trials and reflections.

Conclusion:

Even though this story is a quick contest entry, I found "A Green Queen" is a lush tapestry of themes, characters, and narrative structure woven with threads of otherworldly splendor. It is a fascinating exploration of the boundaries we perceive around nature, civilization, and the worlds that could exist within and beyond our own. It leaves one contemplating the realms unseen, the vast potential of the imagination, and our intricate ties to nature amidst the ceaseless advancement of technology.

This "shorty-short" could easily be developed into an interesting novel to explore an imaginative origin story for the little people who play around the rainbows, meaning the real in-the-sky visions, not the "Looky here, I got no pants"… trolls, dancing in the limelight of the perverted moons in the weirding streets of Seattle and Keywest.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of A Green Queen  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Greeting Beholden . I am sending you this review as part of the judging for "Free For All in March--CLOSED UNTIL 2025" . I hope any of my comments help give you something useful for your writing adventures.

"A Green Queen" is a delightful and imaginative story that immediately captures the reader's attention with its unique premise and vividly crafted world. The most prominent aspect is your creative vision of blending fantasy elements, like water dragons and leprechauns, with the familiar landscape of what becomes the Emerald Isle.

With an engaging narrative voice, the author weaves a whimsical and compelling tale. The main character, Hermione, the Green Queen, displays good depth, making her noteworthy, even if for none other than potential. The story's unfolding invites readers into a world where magic seamlessly intersects with the mundane, beautifully realizing and deeply captivating them.

A few areas could benefit from refinement in critiquing the story to elevate the storytelling further.

Some grammatical errors and awkward sentences disrupt the narrative flow, such as "It puffed and huffed a few times, dragged itself above the high water mark, and fell asleep," where the spacing before the comma is inconsistent with standard English writing conventions.
Another example is "Hermione, scared the dragon off," where the comma after Hermione feels out of place.

The story exhibits punctuation misuse, especially with dialogue tags, which often lead to confusion. An example of punctuation misuse in the story is the incorrect usage of "Come here she said" instead of "Come here," she says, which should include a comma inside the quotation marks followed by the dialogue tag.

Another frequent issue is the inconsistent use of tense, which can jolt the reader out of the story's flow. For example, "The queen walks into the garden and sees a unicorn."This should harmonize with present or past tense, such as "The queen walked into the garden and saw a unicorn." Remembering to remain in " consistent tense" is an important error even the most experienced and prolific writers make.

Using passive voice obscures the action and weakens the engagement. A sentence like "Hermione casts the spell" could be more directly and engagingly rewritten as "Hermione cast the spell." Addressing these common grammatical issues can make the narrative smoother and more immersive.

The narrative of "A Green Queen" often leans heavily on telling rather than showing, which can sometimes hinder the reader's ability to immerse themselves in the vibrant world you have created fully. One instance is when the story describes Hermione's emotions, mentioning, "Hermione experienced fear." A more engaging approach could involve describing her physical reactions or environment to show her fear, such as "Hermione's heart raced as shadows danced menacingly along the walls."

Another instance is the description of the landscape. The text tells us, "The kingdom was beautiful," a statement that, while informative, misses an opportunity to paint a picture for the reader. Instead, showing the kingdom through vivid imagery like "Sunlight filtered through the emerald leaves, casting a kaleidoscope of light across the verdant meadows" would more effectively draw readers into the story's world.

In conveying the characters' actions, the story frequently resorts to direct statements such as "The dragon was friendly. It is reimagined as a scene where the dragon interacts with characters, gently nudging them or helping them on their quest to showcase its friendly nature. This would allow readers to infer/see through a show, its friendliness through its behavior rather than being explicitly told." By focusing on showing rather than telling, the story can offer a more engaging and immersive experience, inviting readers to deduce and feel the narrative's nuances.

The dialogue:
We sometimes feel that it is slightly stilted, and we could enhance it by varying the structure and rhythm to reflect the characters' voices.

For example, Hermione says to a water dragon in one encounter, "I do request of you, please refrain from causing undue harm to the villagers."Could you please refrain from causing undue harm to the villagers?" Hermione requests the water dragon. Which would feel more conversational and in line with Hermione's strength and directness.

Another instance is when a leprechaun declares, "It is of utmost importance that we secure our gold from those who would deceitfully take it." A more natural expression of this concern might be, "We gotta keep our gold safe from thieves," which conveys the same message but in a manner that sounds more genuine and less formal.

Last, a dialogue between two characters about a looming threat reads, "I have observed signs that portend a forthcoming disaster of considerable magnitude." Revising this to "I've seen signs of a disaster, a calamity even coming our way" would make the dialogue sound more natural and urgent and enhance the narrative's accessibility to a broader audience.

The Plot:
While engaging, it follows a somewhat predictable trajectory; introducing deeper, more difficult conflicts that require showing more of the protagonist's identity/personality could enhance the story's depth and engagement. For example, Hermione could face internal struggles with her role as the Green Queen and the expectations that come with it. Maybe her actions would go against a rule if she did what she proposed. Does she continue after the idea/solution comes to mind?

Or she could encounter betrayal from a close ally. These challenges would further develop Hermione's character and make the story more dynamic. The story could have more explanation or development to fill a few plot holes. For instance, the sudden appearance of a new character and their role in the story could use more backstory to add depth and understanding to their actions.

Overall:
The setting and character development are well-executed, with the dusty, drought-stricken landscape as a stark backdrop to Hermione's lush, vibrant abilities.

However, further fleshing out the secondary characters and the world's history could provide a richer, more immersive experience. For example, O'Hooleran the Mechanic is a charming character, but understanding his background and expertise might add a layer of complexity to the narrative. I would shorten his name from the formal O'Hooleran, the Mechanic" to a nickname like "O'Hool da Mech." Also, Leprechauns are more often associated with Boot Cobbling. Perhaps giving a nod to O'Hool, being a mechanic instead of a cobbler, shows he is special even among his kind. Maybe he tells Hermione, "I've always preferred beating on metal over leather because messing up is much harder."

"A Green Queen" is a testament to the power of imagination and storytelling. The magical resolution and transformation of the island into the Emerald Isle offer a satisfying conclusion that ties back beautifully to myth and legend. With its inventive plot and memorable characters, this story holds much promise. It could shine as a fantasy literature gem with refinement and deeper development. Encouraging the writer to address these areas while continuing to nurture their creative vision is essential. Write on!

Thank you for contributing your story, "A Green Queen," to this writing contest. Your submission has enriched the competition with its imaginative leap and creative flair, bringing our readers a unique, vibrant world that dazzles with potential. Your passion for storytelling is clear in every word and has undoubtedly left an impression on us all. We deeply appreciate your time, effort, and heart in creating and sharing your narrative. Your entry adds significant value to the contest, reminding us of the boundless possibilities within fantasy literature.

Joey


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.5)

Literary Review of "The Choice of Wishes"

"The Choice of Wishes" is a short story that offers a brief but telling snapshot into the lives of two vastly unique characters: Patricia and Brigid. The story's direct dialogue and succinct prose quickly establish the central conflict rooted in class differences and personal dissatisfaction.
Patricia's exclamation about hating her clothes is an initiation into her world—where appearance and material possessions hold significant value. Through her point of view, we witness the unsated desires of someone who equates worth with wealth and beauty. The phrase "I am the only girl in this kingdom who has to wear old rags," while hyperbolic, underscores Patricia's profound sense of isolation and entitlement.

Brigid presents a stark contrast. Her calm demeanor, as she looks up from her book, subtly but powerfully conveys her grounded and content nature. There is wisdom in her minimalism, symbolized by her book—an object hinting at knowledge and depth of character. The dialogue "You must have more clothes than I do" cleverly juxtaposes her simplicity with Patricia's complexity.

The tension between the two escalates when Patricia belittles Brigid by calling her a "nun," a term she uses derogatorily. It unravels layers of jealousy and perhaps an internalized misogyny that Patricia harbors as she devalues Brigid's apparent choice of a humble appearance. Brigid's response, "I'm sorry, but did you just call me a 'nun'?" reveals her shock and a subdued hurt, as well as her strength in addressing Patricia's rudeness without aggression.

The story climaxes with Patricia admitting her unhappiness and desire for "something more." It is a powerful moment when her façade drops, and we see the vulnerability she has been hiding under her ostentatious exterior. Brigid's response, "Oh dear," conveys empathy and wisdom, acknowledging that happiness does not come from external possessions or appearances.

Brigid offers a simple and profound solution, suggesting that Patricia could find happiness not by acquiring more clothes or material possessions but by changing her perspective on life. She explains that genuine contentment comes from within, never bought, and she suggests Patricia could find happiness by changing her perspective on life instead of acquiring more clothes or material possessions. Wealth.

The narrative takes an enchanting turn with the unexpected introduction of a leprechaun and a dragon, integrating fantasy elements into the stark realism of Patricia and Brigid's world. During a solitary stroll through the enchanted woodland, Patricia stumbles upon a leprechaun cloaked in emerald green and gleaming with a mischief befitting his folklore. This encounter, while initially appearing to be a fortunate twist of fate, serves to magnify Patricia's fixation on material gains, as she immediately thinks of the gold often associated with leprechauns. However, sensing her desires, the leprechaun imparts a cryptic lesson about the true value of wishes, emphasizing the unforeseen consequences of greed.

The story deepens with a majestic dragon, embodying wisdom and ancient power. Unlike the expected fearsome beast, this dragon converses with Patricia, offering a perspective contrasting the leprechaun's trickster insight. Through a dialogue brimming with sage advice, the dragon challenges Patricia's perceptions of happiness and self-worth, using its existence—lonely at the pinnacle of the magical hierarchy but rich in knowledge and experience—as a metaphor for the emptiness of materialism. This fantastical meeting becomes a pivotal moment for Patricia, prompting a reevaluation of her values and desires.

The ending is a pleasant surprise, which I will not spoil for those who have not read the story.
Improvement Suggestions

"The Choice of Wishes" effectively delivers its thematic statement. Still, there is room for further development in certain areas to enhance the narrative.

Character Backstories: Understanding the origins of Patricia's discontent and Brigid's serenity could add depth to the narrative. Flashbacks or dialogues that hint at their past might make their present choices more resonant. The key word being "hints," providing backstory without falling into the pit of boredom requires skillful wording and style.

Flashback Example for Patricia: A brief scene where a young Patricia attends a lavish birthday party, only to overhear her parents lamenting their financial struggles to keep up appearances. This moment crystallizes her association of social acceptance with material wealth, embedding a deep sense of insecurity and a longing for external validation.

Dialogue Illustrating Brigid's Serenity Origins: A conversation between Brigid and her mentor (maybe a grandparent) in which Brigid shares her realization about the transitory nature of material possessions after losing her family home to a fire. The mentor's wisdom on finding peace in simplicity and the importance of inner richness encapsulates the foundation of Brigid's contentment and her choice to prioritize existential over material wealth.

These scenarios provide the narrative scaffolding to understand why Patricia is driven by a desire to be seen and accepted through the prism of wealth. Meanwhile, Brigid finds solace in the essence of being and the depth of personal relationships, unmarred by the superficiality of appearances.

Use of Flashbacks: A flashback could reveal a young Patricia at a wealthy but emotionally cold birthday party, surrounded by gifts yet looking for her parents' attention, highlighting the roots of her material fixation as a substitute for affection. Conversely, a flashback showing Brigid in a modest but warm household, reading by the fireside with her family, could illuminate her value of simplicity and emotional wealth over material possessions.

Dialogues Hinting at the Past: The story could include conversations where Patricia, in a rare moment of vulnerability, mentions how her parents always equated love with expensive gifts, never truly being present for her. Brigid might remember when her family faced financial hardship but came together to support each other, teaching her the value of human connections over material goods. These dialogues would offer insights into their characters and serve as a natural way to contrast their life philosophies and current choices.

Exploring Classism through Enhanced Interactions

Expanding on the class differences could significantly deepen the narrative's exploration of societal structures. For instance, Patricia might invite Brigid to a high-class event, inadvertently highlighting the stark contrasts in their lifestyles. This scene could portray Patricia's discomfort and alienation in her world when she observes Brigid's ease and genuine social interactions despite the unfamiliar and abundant environment. Through Brigid's eyes, readers would see the superficiality that often pervades high society—a veneer of politeness masking shallow relationships—contrasting with the authenticity she values.

Another example could be a conversation where Patricia defensively boasts about an expensive new dress, expecting Brigid to react with envy. Instead, Brigid responds with genuine happiness to her friend, puzzled over why such acquisitions matter so profoundly. This exchange could trigger a reflective moment for Patricia, where she questions whether her relentless pursuit of material wealth has truly made her happy or merely widened the gap between her authentic self and the persona she presents to the world.

Through these interactions, the narrative could offer a more nuanced perspective on classism, highlighting how it affects individuals and how crossing those divides can offer profound lessons and opportunities for personal growth.

Protagonist Development: While both characters are well-defined, there is potential for further character development. Exploring Patricia's insecurities a Setting Expansion: Descriptions of the kingdom and the two girls' environment could provide a context for their emotional states and social dynamics.

Conflict Exploration: The conversation jumps immediately into conflict. Offering a buildup or introducing the conflict with a scene before the confrontation could create a smoother narrative transition.

Themes and Motifs: Use motifs to deepen the themes of envy and self-worth—perhaps the state of Patricia's clothes and how she attempts to improve their looks before declaring hate. Or the title of Brigid's book could offer symbolic weight or foreshadowing. Does this once-a-year appearance of the magical have a name? Is it the title of the book?

Dialogue Nuances: The characters' dialogue could use additional subtext to display their emotions and motivations more subtly. Using more natural language would go far.

To enhance the nuances in dialogue and imbue it with a more profound subtext that subtly conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, consider the following examples:

1. While conversing with Brigid, Patricia could embed hints of vulnerability in her dialogue instead of straightforwardly admitting her insecurities or boasting about her possessions. For example, Patricia might say, "You always seem so content, Brigid, no matter where you are or what you're wearing. I wonder what that feels like." This comment, made while she fiddles with an expensive but unnecessary accessory, subtly conveys her discontent and envy without directly stating it.

2. Brigid Responding to Patricia: Rather than Brigid directly stating her values, she could use a reflective response that invites Patricia to introspect. For example, "Isn't it strange, Patricia, how a beautiful sunset or a night full of stars never asks us for anything in return? Yet, they can be the most precious." This gentle juxtaposition of nature's simplicity with the complexity of human desires hints at Brigid's appreciation for the non-materialistic aspects of life, encouraging Patricia to reflect on her values.

Employing such techniques, the dialogue can reveal the characters' deeper thoughts and feelings without clarifying them, offering readers a richer, more engaging narrative experience.

Point of View:
I liked how you almost captured and Experimented with differing points of view, which could offer insight into how each character perceives the same situation, adding complexity to the narrative. However, an author must be careful not to suffer "Swapping Head Syndrome."

To further enhance the narrative through point of view (POV) techniques, consider these approaches that could deepen the reader's connection with the story and characters:

1. Patricia's Limited Third-Person POV: A section written from Patricia's perspective could focus on her internal struggle, allowing readers to experience her world through her eyes. For instance, during the high-class event, instead of plainly describing the luxury, the narrative could detail Patricia's mounting discomfort and alienation through her sensory experiences—her tight grip on a too-cold glass of champagne, the oppressive heat of superficial conversations, her envious glances towards Brigid's effortless mingling. This POV can make her internal conflict more palpable and relatable.

2. Brigid's First-Person POV: Switching to Brigid's first-person POV during a flashback scene could immerse readers in her genuine compassion and simplicity. Through her eyes, the story could vividly paint the individuals they're helping, Brigid's thoughts reflecting on each person's story, her admiration for their resilience, and her realization of the true value of community over material wealth. This direct insight into Brigid's thoughts can strengthen the emotional impact of her character's values.

3. Dual Perspectives in Dialogue Scenes: In a critical dialogue between Brigid and Patricia, alternating close third-person perspectives can vividly capture their misunderstandings and realizations. For example, as Patricia boasts about her new dress, the narrative could first show Patricia's perspective—her anticipation of envy, her practiced smile—then shift to Brigid's perspective, showcasing her genuine happiness for Patricia and her confusion over Patricia's values. This back-and-forth can highlight the contrast in their worldviews and the complexity of their friendship.

These POV techniques give the story layers of emotional depth and psychological complexity, offering readers a multi-dimensional understanding of the characters' journeys and the themes at play.

"The Choice of Wishes" creates a momentary clash between two ideologies, showcasing a microcosm of societal tensions. However, further development could elevate the piece, rendering the characters and their struggles in a more vivid and compelling light. With these improvements, the story has the potential to paint a portrait of discontent and calm. It also explores the broader human conditions that give rise to such emotions.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Young Lassies  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Literary Review of "Young Lassies"

"Young Lassies" is a brief poem steeped in the humorous tradition. It takes lighthearted aim at the whimsical woes of young women concerned with their appearance, specifically their hair. It draws on the rich cultural imagery of Ireland, colloquially as 'Irelin' in the text, adding to its charm and regional flavor.

Style and Format

The poem is a limerick known for its five-line structure with a strict AABBA rhyme scheme. Typically, limericks have a bouncy, rhythmic meter that often emphasizes the first, second, and fifth lines, usually longer than the third and fourth lines. These shorter lines traditionally contain the punchline or heart of the joke.

"Young Lassies" somewhat diverges from the conventional anapestic meter (two short syllables followed by a long one) that characterizes limericks, opting instead for an inconsistent rhythm that hampers the expected rollicking flow. The rhyme scheme remains true, with 'Irelin,'' smilin',' way,' say,' and 'havin' forming the AABBA pattern.

Interpretation and Analysis

The content of "Young Lassies" doesn't veer from the limerick's traditional domain of humor. It captures a universal sentiment—the preoccupation with one's hair on days it refuses to be tamed—while wrapping it in the specific cultural tapestry of young Irish women. The poem's humor compares a minor preoccupation (having a bad hair day) with the portrayal of 'lassies from Ireland,' who are usually elegant and flawless.

While the content is playful and humorous, the stereotyping of young women being overly concerned with their looks is a trope that might feel worn or not entirely progressive. However, the poem's limerick format effectively captures it, maintaining a light and engaging tone.
Suggestions for Improvement

Consider the following suggestions to enhance the poem's overall impact.

1. Rhythm Consistency: Adjusting the meter to adhere more consistently to the traditional anapestic or amphibrachic limerick pattern could amplify the humor and improve the flow of the lines.

2. Handling the playful stereotype with a light touch of rephrasing to avoid potentially outdated stereotypes could broaden the appeal.

3. Imagery: While the humor is clear, expanding the imagery to include more unique and vivid descriptions could enrich the poem's cultural setting, evoking the Irish landscape or character traits.

4. Punctuation: Adding appropriate punctuation, such as a comma at the end of line two, could improve readability and timing when reading aloud.

Considering the suggestions for improvement, a revised version of "Young Lassies" might look something like this:

In Irelin', where greens stretch wide, young lassies smile, their pride aside,
Their locks, a wild, untamed delight, wrestle wind day and night.
Ah, but when the morning's gray and curls won't stay, they wink and say,
"With a pin, a twist, a clever move, we'll tame this mane we love!"
Thus, amid laughter and light rain, they bound through life again with no fuss or pain.


This revision addresses rhythm consistency by ensuring each line follows a more predictable pattern that aligns closely with traditional limerick structures. The imagery now includes a broader palette that evokes the Irish landscape and the lighthearted resilience of its people. Finally, punctuation changes, such as adding commas, enhance readability and maintain the poem's enjoyable cadence when read aloud.

Conclusion

"Young Lassies" is a charming limerick that tempers its humor with a gentle nod to Irish culture. With rhythmic fine-tuning and modern flair, it can transform from a simple chuckle-inducing verse to a more impactful, resonant piece that seamlessly bridges traditional limerick form with contemporary sensibility.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
5
5
Review of Saolré  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Review: The Perils of Invoking the Unnatural

In exploring the brief yet significant excerpt from our subject story, we find an almost visceral conflict between Cara, who grapples with her loss and yearns for the forbidden, and High Priestess Meavagh, a custodian of divine law and order. Therein lies a classic narrative tension, setting the stage for what promises to be an exploration of deep themes of life, death, and the consequences of defying the cosmic balance.

The dialogue grapples with the eternal human quest to overcome mortality and the potentially hubristic clash with divine mandates. Falterings in literary technique inadvertently suppressed, despite its depth, the narrative's potential to resonate powerfully with its audience, notably in 'show vs. tell' and filler words.

Show vs. Tell: The Power of Showing More

'Show, don't tell' is a fundamental tenet of engaging storytelling. It dictates that a writer illustrates scene and sentiment through action, sensory detail, and dynamic dialogue rather than mere exposition. In the passage at hand, three instances rise to the forefront, where 'showing' could supplant 'telling' for a more immersive reading experience:

1. Cara's Turmoil
The statement, "Is it such a big thing I ask?" could display Cara's anguish and desperation. Instead of outright stating her wish, we could witness her clutching at a relic of the departed, her voice strained, eyes glistening—an embodiment of her plea.

2. Meavagh's Authoritative Stance
Meavagh's admonition could emanate more convincingly through her bearing—taut posture, a stern gaze, and the subtle clench of her jaw as she articulates the gravity of Cara's wish, showing her innate ties to the order she defends.

3. The Observing Priestesses
They could portray their silence more evocatively—perhaps through a shared, weighted glance, a collective intake of breath, or the uneasy shuffling of feet, signaling their unified front behind Meavagh rather than simply announcing an "unspoken rule."

Filler Words and Their Dispensability

Filler words often creep into prose unbidden, diluting impact and pacing. Here is a list and breakdown of filler words within the story that, if omitted or replaced, could fortify the narrative:

• "Such" (Is it such a big thing, I ask?) The character could remove the word for brevity without adding to their urgency.
• "back" (wishing someone back from the dead) is arguably necessary. Still, depending on the context, "restore his life" or some variation of direct, unambiguous verbiage will help.
• One should approach "lightly" cautiously, as it can exhibit gravity when you are looking to show severity for disobedience. Being more concise will improve the reader's understanding in faster, more subconscious ways.
• "there" (There was an unspoken rule)—' There' is unnecessary; the sentence can be active by saying "An unspoken rule..."
• "just"—Not present in the excerpt, but common in many narratives, often without necessity.

Common Punctuation and Grammar Errors

In the realm of writing, particularly within narrative and creative contexts, certain punctuation and grammar missteps frequently occur, undermining the clarity and flow of the text. Identifying and correcting these can significantly elevate the quality of writing. Below are three common errors, along with examples of how to address them:

1. Misuse of Commas

Error: "Is it such a big thing I ask". Questioned Cara. "What is so wrong with wishing someone back from the dead?"

Correction: Cara asks, "Is it such a big thing? What is so wrong with wishing someone back from the dead?"

Commas are crucial for indicating pauses and separating elements within a sentence. If you introduce the speech in direct speech, use a comma before the opening quotation mark. Introduce it with a comma before the opening quotation mark when using direct speech.

2. Run-On Sentences

Error: The priestesses watched silently, they knew the law.
Correction: The priestesses watched silently; they knew the law. Or, The priestesses watched silently. They knew the law.

Run-on sentences cram too many ideas without proper punctuation, making them hard to read. Dividing the sentence into separate sentences, using a semicolon, or employing conjunctions can correct run-on sentences.

3. Incorrect Verb Tense:
Error: Meavagh stands up and took a deep breath.
Correction: Meavagh stands up and takes a deep breath.

Maintaining consistent verb tenses within a sentence ensures clarity and coherence. Switching tenses mid-sentence can confuse readers about the sequence of events. If there is a shift in tense for narrative reasons, revise past actions to present tense when describing actions in the present.

Conclusions

While ripe with the intrigue of divine conflict and human longing, this story snippet calls for a leaner, more vivid approach, more reliant on 'showing' than 'telling.' It demands the excision of linguistic fluff that clouds the sharpness of its dialogue and scenes. The themes it wishes to engage are timeless and profound. However, we can truly grasp the profoundness of these themes when we remove the excess words and expository telling, revealing the raw, palpable emotion and conflict. It is a tale with promise, beckoning for the craft's touch to unearth its fullest potential.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
6
6
Review of The 8 Sisters  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Hi there, Soxy,

Thank you for entering my contest. I am sending you a review of "The Eight Sisters" for your consideration.

If I had to describe this story in two words, I would use Dark and Haunting. They bind fate with a vengeance that readers could find as a compelling narrative that evokes an archaic lore of unity and retribution. Underneath the surface of shared birthdays and astrological alignments lies a palpable swathe of hatred towards an evil force. This force connected the lives of women through misery. Within dark confines, the deceased antagonist dominates and becomes the fulcrum on which the story pivots, challenging the conventional trope of power and victimhood.

The tale's crisp prose and taut storyline evoke a magnetic sense of dread and a desperate yearning for justice. However, while the story glimmers with potential, it remains somewhat tethered by incomplete arcs—an inciting incident hazily sketched, characters yearning for further development, and an ending begging for closure. Our heroines, embodiments of resilience, seek deeper exploration of their psyches and histories. What haunts them? What strengthens their resolve beyond shared loathing?

The plot, ambitious as it stands, meanders near the edges of greatness, only to fall shy without a definitive climax or revelatory transformation—one expects an epiphany or change, a metamorphosis of both character and reader that never fully gestates.

This literary piece dares to push boundaries and subvert expectations. Yet, it requires firmer scaffolding to elevate it from good to unforgettable. It nudges at the caverns of a reader's curiosity and ignites a crusade against darkness. Still, in its current form, it implores expansion—more flesh, bone, spirit—to render it whole, to metamorphose ink into blood and longing into triumph.

It is a dark tapestry woven with promise. It needs a few more threads of complexity and resolution to truly ensnare the reader in its promise of emancipation and kinship borne from shared adversity.

Amid vividly portraying the anguish and unity among the heroines, Soxy, your story could significantly benefit from employing the literary technique of "show, don't tell" to deepen the emotional connection with the reader, for instance, instead of stating that a "shared loathing" bonds the characters to the antagonist, you could vividly depict scenes where these emotions naturally surface through interactions and dialogue.

An example could be a scene where the heroines gather, each revealing a personal token or scar from their encounters with the antagonist, allowing their stories to resonate through words and palpable, shared experiences. This approach not only enriches character depth but also immerses the reader in the complex emotional landscape of the story, making the quest for justice and the characters' transformations more impactful.

There is an unanswered question of why the antagonist bought, captured, or bred these women. Was the reason lust? Was he looking to save his race by using these women to bear his offspring? If they all share the same birthday, is there some unseen magic in the mix? While there is the curious occurrence of the human "Octomom," it is not the norm for humanoids (leprechauns qualify as such). Were they born to different mothers?

This story could be so much more. I encourage you to expand when you can.

Joey


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
7
7
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Literary Review:
Defender of the Everglade Forest By GERVIC 🐉 House Targaryen

"Defender of the Everglade Forest" promises readers a magical escape into an intricately woven world of nature and myth. With its opening lines, the narrative sets the scene in a mystical domain, where enchantments of light and the vitality of an elven village named Verdant Hollow coalesce. There's a palpable sense of serenity that transcends mere words and transports the reader to the whispers of Everglade Forest.

Strengths:

GERVIC 🐉 House Targaryen you exhibit a talent for descriptive language, tingling the senses and painting a vivid forest tableau with phrases like "the sun played hide-and-seek amongst the leaves" and "dappling the mossy earth."Sir Gervic, your genuine artistry in detailing this environment suggests a deeply rooted connection between nature and the Elven inhabitants."

The imagery invoked is lush and evocative, giving the Everglade Forest breath and significance beyond the usual setting. Its role as a character within the narrative unfolds even from this brief excerpt. Naming the village "Verdant Hollow" supplements this vision with a certain character and spirit that promises potential profundity and richness in the story, urging exploration.

Areas for Development:

While the introduction is picturesque, sir, you could consider providing some direction to the narrative to help hook the reader's interest. Introducing a central protagonist or hinting at an underlying conflict, often called the inciting incident earlier, could create an anchoring point for the reader's imagination and curiosity. Without it, the descriptive language risks falling into the realm of overindulgence, potentially overwhelming the reader rather than inviting them into the story. Developing more empathy for the protagonist would go a long way. The story seems slightly unfinished. Perhaps "Viridea," after vanquishing the humans, could return to lessons for "Aspen." I liked your choice of a tree name for this enchanted forest Elf.

Developmentally, the story could benefit from a clearer initial narrative arc, perhaps by giving a sense of the Elven village's daily life or foreshadowing the challenges the titular Defender may face. Details such as community roles or the forest's cultural significance to the elves might add depth and context to the verdant description.

Spelling and Grammar Issues:

The provided text appears well-edited. I only spotted four issues of missing or misplaced commas.
While "Everglade Forest" provides a name for the region, common non-Elfin people often refer to the famous subtropical wetlands in Florida, USA, as "The Everglades." Controlling the name could avoid geographical confusion unless intentional for allegory or homage, even though it is okay for the elves to share the name of their home region. First impressions put an image of Florida's large national Park in their mind's eye, not a lush green forest. Maybe "The Emeraldglade Forest" or something that allows the reader's mind to see the forest over flat, endless vistas of Sawgrass and swamp.

More Suggestions:

To enhance the narrative, you might interlace the bewitching descriptions with subtle introductions of tension or purpose. For example, foreshadowing can serve as an instrument to tease an upcoming trial or endeavor aligned with the story's core theme—protecting the forest, in this case.

Perhaps the sensory descriptions should be explored with a purpose, linking them to the characters' experiences or the story's emotional undercurrents. Integrating narrative elements like dialogue or action sequences might give the description a solid framework and drive the plot forward, balancing exposition and progression.

Incorporating these elements would entice readers with an immersive world and promise a story that unfolds with intention and enthralling prospects. The tale has the makings of a rich, enchanting universe and, with slight structural refinement, has the potential to become a captivating work of fiction.

Despite the illustrative prowess displayed in "Defender of the Everglade Forest," there are three distinct areas where the narrative could substantially benefit from the adage "show, don't tell," particularly concerning the protagonist:

1. Introduction of the Protagonist: While the story thrives on its environmental descriptions, the protagonist's introduction lacks depth. There's an opportunity to show the protagonist's character through actions or interactions with the environment or other characters. For example, instead of merely stating the protagonist's role or attributes, a scene depicting them in conversation with an elder or amid a traditional ritual could offer insights into their personality, values, and the expectations placed upon them by the community.

2. Protagonist's Connection to the Environment: The connection between the protagonist and Everglade Forest is told rather than shown. The narrative could deepen this bond by illustrating pivotal moments where the protagonist interacts with the forest - perhaps a scene showing them nurturing a wounded animal back to health or using an inherited knowledge to solve a problem that the forest faces, highlighting their intimate bond with the land.

3. The Protagonist's Internal Conflicts: The inner struggles and growth of the protagonist are essential for a compelling story but are currently under-explored. Showcasing the protagonist's moments of doubt, fear, or decision-making can offer a more intimate portrayal of their character. For instance, a scene where the protagonist wrestles with a hard decision regarding the forest or faces their fears in a crisis would provide the reader a glimpse into their evolving character, making them more relatable and their victories more satisfying.

By focusing more on showing rather than telling, especially concerning the protagonist's experiences, emotions, and actions, you could enrich the reader's connection to the story, making it not just a visual or environmental experience but an emotionally resonant journey.

Good Sir, "Defender of the Everglade Forest" is a developing tale abounding in descriptive potential. With a more defined narrative drive and careful attention to the few spelling and grammar issues, you can refine this piece into a compelling odyssey within the Everglade Forest.

I realize this is just a stupid contest effort, but your skills are ample enough to make this into a compelling story. I could see it as an adolescent market short. A little graphic work and this is easily sellable. Look at what authors put on the bookshelves last year; you might find inspiration in what you see. This could equal anything from thirty-thousand feet on the shelves of last year's samplings. Just saying!

Thank you for joining the fun. I hope you will come again for another contest (in the works). Your skill set is more than ready to be showcased. This is a good entry; good luck.

Joey


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
8
8
Review of MEMORIES  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi J.J.

A few weeks back, you sent me a review; I am now getting to my repayments. You are still new to WdC, and I welcome you. I hope you are finding our community fun and informative. That's what we do! For some, this is their social net. Others have access to more meaningful feedback, while others still seek access to learned mentors and Pros.

I see from perusing your port that the pickings are still slim, but I say don't be shy. We limit the trolls. And almost everyone will help with your goals.

I recommend you fill out your Bio tab. It helps us know more about who you are, what types of things you are interested in, and what kind of writing help (if any) you might seek.

I have a bit more disclaimer since this is our first time. (oh, could someone misunderstand that last part) We here on Writing.com (WdC is our acronym) are often sharing, empathic, and even endearing, particularly with our "Newbies." If you need any introduction to folks around the site, do not be afraid to ask. I know some of the best… So here is my best effort at a hopefully meaningful review.

Here is what I saw:

Poem Review of "Memories of You"

Introduction
"Memories of You" is an intimate lyrical composition by the poet {user: jjdel1326}. This poem is an evocative piece that stirs a reminiscence of past love and friendship. It eloquently captures the emotional complexity entwined with decluttering a physical space, which inadvertently leads to mental and emotional introspection.

Themes
The central themes of J.J.'s poem include love, loss, and the enduring bonds of friendship, which are universal and timeless. Cleaning becomes a powerful metaphor for the internal process of coming to terms with past relationships. An acute sense of love extends beyond mere affection, touching on the spiritual intensity of a 'soul sister' connection.

Emotional Impact
J.J.'s diction provokes a sense of sad nostalgia, layered with a profound acknowledgment of the value their relationship once held. A bittersweet tone permeates the poem, leaving the reader to wrestle between the grief of loss and the beauty of cherished memories. The narrative invokes the longing for a bond that once was, the unique understanding between friends that feels irreplaceable once gone.

Suggestions for Improvement

While the emotional resonance of "Memories of You" is clear, there are areas where J.J. might deepen the reader's experience:

1. Refinement of Imagery: The poem could employ more potent imagery to paint a vivid picture of the memories and their associated emotions, allowing readers to connect more tangibly with the poet's internal world.

2. Expanded Narrative: Delving further into anecdotal evidence of the described friendship could provide greater weight to the loss and growth mentioned, furnishing the reader with a fuller understanding of the bond shared.

3. Structural Challenge: Experimenting with form and meter could enhance the poem's musicality and rhythm, complementing the unfolding of personal revelation. For example, shorter lines could quicken the pace during more intense recollections. In comparison, longer lines could slow the reader down, creating space for reflection.

4. Lyrical Variation: Adding similes or metaphors could enrich the language and evoke stronger emotions. For instance, comparing cleaning out a room to specific cases of their shared past could anchor the memories more vividly.

5. Title Reflection: While 'Memories of You' aptly describes the poem's essence, a more evocative title might better capture the reader's curiosity and encapsulate the depth and nuance of the relationship that exploded within the verses.

In conclusion, J.J.'s "Memories of You" is a heartfelt ode to the moments and connections that shape our hearts. Its raw honesty and sincerity capture the inevitable transformation of profound friendships.

With a few enhancements, your poem could become an even more poignant piece that resonates universally with those who have loved deeply and navigated the complicated landscape of letting go.

In my recent studies of this genre, I have discovered that most professional poets spend as much time editing their poems as novel writers do with their manuscripts. I would call this effort a first draft. And suggest you not be afraid of ideas to improve. I also recommend you keep editing and refining this piece. I see real potential, and there are plenty of places looking for exceptional poetry.




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
9
9
for entry "~ Sky Diving ~" 
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Rwuth,

I will endeavor to give some feedback. I think the narrative within" "~ Sky Diving ~"  recounted from three distinct points of view (POVs) skillfully entwines its central theme of fear—particularly acrophobia, the fear of heights—with varied experiences and emotional responses.

Through this innovative storytelling approach, the author skillfully sculpts the subjective reality of each observer, intertwining the central theme of fear, particularly acrophobia, with varied experiences and emotional responses. In this review, I will explore how these divergent perspectives enrich the narrative's themes of fear, sibling relationships, and the subjective nature of experience.

A Triptych of Terrors and exhilaration
The story centers on a protagonist crippled by a childhood phobia, which is further intensified by the taunting antics of their brother. This triadic narrative, as delineated by three POVs, allows readers to encounter the incident of the granddaughter’s thrill-seeking behavior atop the staircase railing through the lenses of the terrified sibling, the brother himself, and a third unbiased observer. Each narrative contributes uniquely to the overarching portrayal of terror, familial dynamics, and the complexity of memory and perception.

Perspective One: My Story: The Frightened Sibling
I liked this as the opening. It sets the premiss well. The differing POV immerses us in the visceral experience of acrophobia. The stark imagery of “white-knuckling it,” coupled with the sheer dread of possibly witnessing a loved one’s fall, catalyzes a profound empathy from the reader. Past traumas and present trepidations color this perspective, magnifying the gravity of the perceived danger. The power of this viewpoint lies in its ability to invoke a bodily response in readers, drawing them into the narrative through a shared sense of anxiety.

Perspective Two: Mikayla's Story: The Daredevil Grand Daughter
In contrast, the granddaughter’s perspective sheds light on his obliviousness or possible indifference to the protagonist’s phobia. She portrays herself as a puckish figure and relishes her nonchalance and dexterity. However, this portrayal has an undercurrent of potential recklessness. This facet subtly invites readers to question the motives behind such behavior. Is it a genuine disregard for danger, an act of teenage bravado, or a means to forge a dominant role in the sibling hierarchy?

Perspective Three: The Instructor: The Objective Witness
The third POV, presumably that of the parachute instructor/observer, functions as a balancing narrative. Detached from the emotional frenzy, this perspective lends a clinical lens to the occurrence, perhaps lacking the immediacy of terror but offering a broader comment on human behavior. The witness piece might strip the experience of its raw emotional layers, presenting it instead as a tableau of family dynamics and the varied thresholds of fear.

Interwoven are the narrative and themes.
The interplay of these POVs provides a rich textual field where themes of fear, familial love, boundary-testing, and the different perceptions of risk converge. Each character’s narration stands alone and weaves into a more extensive discussion on how individuals process and react to stimuli. The narrative highlights the dichotomy by vividly depicting how individuals’ perceptions of thrill and trauma vary.

The diversity of voices also comments on storytelling—piecing together a composite truth from fragmented realities. A reader thus becomes an additional witness, constructing a version of the story that aligns with their synthesis of the three accounts. Through this literary device, the story underlines the subjectivity inherent in all human experiences.

In concluding this review, the masterful use of three POVs in "My Story" tells a tale as old as time—the conflicting human emotions when faced with fear—while infusing it with fresh vitality. It highlights that a story is not a monolith, but a mosaic interpreted through the eyes and sensibilities of the beholder. Fear, then, is not just an emotion but a narrative in its own right, mutable and manifold, as are the many faces that gaze upon its precipitous edge.

We could consider a few enhancements to elevate the narrative "Skydiving" further.

First, deepening each character's backstory might render the portrayal of fear and the sibling dynamics more nuanced. Understanding the roots of the protagonist's acrophobia and the brother's audacity could offer readers a richer context and a more profound engagement with the characters' motivations.

Second, incorporating a moment of reflection or reconciliation between the siblings could add emotional depth and resolution, emphasizing the story's themes of familial bonds and personal growth.

Finally, experimenting with subtler narrative foreshadowing could enrich the storytelling, guiding the reader's anticipation and interpretation of events. These suggestions aim to sharpen the narrative's emotional impact and thematic resonance, leveraging the strengths of the multi-POV structure to deliver a compelling and unforgettable story.

In short, looking past this reviewers' hyperbolic discourse… Rwuth, it's a good story. I think it meets all the contest requirements. If the word count allows, you could add more detail in a few places to flush characters out, but that is a subjective observation at best.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
10
10
Review of Switch  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

Hi, elizjohn

I found your item on the community review request page and thought I would give your poem the once-over it deserves.

Your poem provides a poignant and visceral depiction of childhood punishment, leveraging the metaphorical resonance of honeysuckle – a plant typically associated with sweetness and innocence. Written in free verse, the poem exhibits the stylistic freedom characteristic of this form, with an absence of consistent meter patterns or rhyme. The language is deeply evocative and employs sensory imagery to convey both the physical pain of the punishment and the emotional pain of insinuated betrayal.

The poem's format aligns well with its theme, as the lack of stanza breaks and punctuation contributes to the portrayal of relentless punishment. The continuous flow of thoughts and feelings enhances the intensity of the scene and allows the reader's empathy to build.

Though effective in its raw, unfiltered scene presentation, the poem could benefit from more subtlety. The metaphor of the bees searching for honeysuckle syrup on the child's skin is powerful. Still, its link to the anger of the bees could be hinted at more subtly to let the reader draw their conclusions. Further, introducing more figurative language, such as similes or personification, could deepen the layers of meaning within the poem. Below are a few examples to illustrate.

1. Consider this revised line: "just the slap and sting of that thin piece of wood on my bare skin, as if by some cruel irony, the bees mistook the scent of honeysuckle past for an invitation, their fury palpable in the absence of sweetness."

2. Another alternative could be: "just the slap and sting of that thin piece of wood on my bare skin, where the traces of honeysuckle's sweetness once lingered, now replaced by an ill-fated attraction of bees, their anger humming in the distance, an echo of a promise unfulfilled."

3. Consider the line: "Mama wielded the honeysuckle branch like a conductor's baton, orchestrating a symphony of discipline on my backside, the melody as bitter as wormwood." This simile taps into the auditory sense and transforms the punishment into a harsh, discordant symphony, further enhancing the sense of discomfort.

4. You may want to consider this personification: "Mama swung the honeysuckle, stripped of its gentle persona and adorned with the mantle of punishment, its reluctant sting mirroring the bees' anger at the betrayal of its sweet reputation." This introduces personification by giving the honeysuckle branch human attributes, which amplifies the sense of betrayal and enhances the emotional depth of the scene.

Well, all this from someone who may be the chief greenhorn of WdC, at least about poetry. I am much better at reviewing fictional stories.

For a Poem, I have to research to figure out what kind of poem the item is. I still have to look up styles and formatting types. Then it takes me reading the poem ten times before I am confident my understanding is going in the proper direction. And then we are supposed to provide something an author could constructivly use from our review. (Oooh, there is my challenge!)

It took me three hours to compose this review and I am not sure a single word is worthy of your consideration. But I am learning and appreciate your letting me practice my "Editor Persona" on your lovely creation.

Joey

P.S. I am invited to an interview for a position as a part-time editor for a major media outlet with a significant presence and influence in today's market. I used your item for practice, hoping my skills match their needs. So, if you would like to rate this review, give me some feedback. What if you were picking an editor for your billion-dollar-a-year media company? Would my review of your poem be a worthy example of review skills, or is it lacking?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
11
11
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.5)
GERVIC 🐉 House Targaryen I found your item on the Review Request page, so here are my observations for whatever they may be worth.

Your narrative of Demus, or "Raven," is an emotionally gripping tale that explores themes of redemption, transformation, and breaking free from the chains of one's past. Some vivid descriptions of the setting and the protagonist's emotions effectively draw readers into the story, immersing them in the protagonist's journey of self-discovery. The story's strength lies predominantly in its character development and the authentic portrayal of Demus's internal struggles.

However, the story could benefit from some areas of improvement. The transition from Demus's dark past to his sudden desire for redemption feels abrupt. It could be developed more gradually to enhance believability. Readers may have difficulty understanding how the chance encounter with a stranger sparks such a profound change in Demus, so more explanation or background could be helpful. Finding a way to invoke more of the emotional effects on "Raven" (his antagonist self) spurs the transition into Demus, the new protagonist.

Also, while using metaphoric and symbolic language is commendable, it may sometimes overshadow the plot's clarity. It could be beneficial to balance the evocative descriptions and the progression of the narrative to maintain reader engagement throughout the story.

Your ending could be more impactful if it were tied back to the story's opening scene, creating a full circle that emphasizes Demus's transformation. For example, the author could revisit the Crow's Nest Tavern or the icy rain as a metaphor to contrast the man Demus was at the beginning and the man he has become at the end. These improvements could help to enrich the narrative and make Demus's journey more compelling and relatable for readers. Your Flesch-Kincade Grade level is 8.3. Looking for a few more straightforward common word usage to lower the score to 6.0 almost always improves reader immersion. You can be surprised how changing three or four words modifies the score.

In the paragraph, "The wind howled like a banshee through the alleyways of the city, whipping icy rain against the grimy windows of the Crow's Nest Tavern," you could show the intensity of the wind and the harshness of the environment by describing its effects rather than simply using a simile. For example: "Icy rain pelted against the grimy windows of the Crow's Nest Tavern, driven by a wind that whistled through the city's alleyways, rattling shutters and sending discarded scraps of paper into frenzied flight."

In the sentence, "Demus, a man whose face was etched with the lines of a life lived in shadows, sat hunched over an untouched mug of ale," you could show the impact of his harsh life on his physical appearance and behaviors. For example: "Demus hunched over his untouched mug of ale, his shoulders rounded under the weight of countless unseen burdens. His face, weathered by time and marred by deep-set lines, held a hardness, a cold determination that hinted at a life lived in shadows."

Instead of saying, "His knuckles, white against the worn leather of the barstool, betrayed the storm raging within him, a storm that mirrored the one outside," you can show his internal storm through his reactions. For example: "His knuckles, pale as death, gripped the worn leather of the barstool so tightly that the veins stood out in stark relief against his skin. Each crack of thunder from the storm outside echoed in his chest, a harsh reminder of the turmoil he felt within."

Instead of telling that "The nickname "Raven," once a badge of pride amongst the city's underworld, now tasted like ashes on his tongue", you could show his distaste and the shift in his attitude toward his past. For example: "The nickname 'Raven' had once rolled off his tongue with pride, a testament to his influence in the city's underworld. Now, it clung to his palate, a bitter reminder of a life he no longer wanted, leaving a taste as unpalatable as ashes."

In the phrase, "Each act, however insignificant, chipped away at the ice around his heart," you can show how these acts affected him emotionally. For example: "Each act of kindness, no matter how small, sent a warmth spreading through him, thawing the icy armor he'd built around his heart bit by bit."
In the phrase, "He had tasted the light, and he wouldn't let the shadows extinguish it," you could show his determination more vividly. For example: "Having tasted the light, he was resolute, vowing not to let the looming shadows snuff out the newfound brightness within him."

You may want to look at your overused words, like the word "That." Perhaps one of our most overused. I counted 12 times, almost once, in every paragraph. Generally, we want to limit the word's appearance to once or twice per page. Luckily, it's easy to tell if it is needed. Read the sentence without including "that." if it still makes sense, you don't need "That." Other words, like "Felt," are opportunities to make significant improvements. Every "felt" is a passive "Tell," which could be made an active "Show."

Little tweaks like these help make the narrative more vivid and engaging, fully immersing readers in Demus's transformation journey. You need more meat for their teeth setting.

Okay, Sorry I got carried away, too long. It may seem like I am picking on your piece, but I am not; it is a lovely start to a story, and I liked it because I see some great potential. I hope any of this helps. That's the only reason I do this.

Joeyc personal Angel Army Sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
12
12
Review of Soupy Spoons  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Angie,
Your intriguingly titled poem is a delightful testament to everyday life's simple joys and follies. With its catchy rhythm and light-hearted tone, it charmingly brings forth the universal appeal of chicken soup, especially when one is under the weather.

What makes the poem particularly engaging is the unexpected twist of attempting to consume soup with a fork - a humorous yet relatable faux pas. The poet's use of "torque," a term more common in physics than poetry, adds a unique flavor, showcasing their creative prowess. The concluding lines serve as a playful warning against such culinary misadventures. While the poem may not delve into profound themes or complex imagery, its charm lies in its whimsical exploration of a mundane act, making it a delightful read.

Oh, and I think you are missing one of the required elements for the contest. We are supposed to list our poem format and rhyming pattern. No Lymric or free verse. I didn't know the answer, so I looked it up for about an hour. If I am correct, your poem is Light Verse. While I have heard plenty of these poems, I could not have told you the proper format for all the couplets stacked in T. S. Eliot's or Robert Frost's drawers.

The best explanation, or at least the one I understood, was on https://www.poetrysoup.com/dictionary/light_verse.... I put together my paraphrased understanding below, But you should do more research just in case I am off the mark.

The form of poetry described here is known as 'Light verse.' This form often incorporates humor, wit, and whimsy, focusing on mundane everyday happenings or common human experiences. Integral characteristics of light verse include:

1. Humor: Light verse often employs humor as a critical component. It takes a comedic view of everyday scenarios, providing an entertaining and amusing perspective.

2. Rhythm and Rhyme: Another distinguishing feature of light verse is its rhythmic and rhyming pattern. This attribute enhances the poem's musicality, making it catchy and engaging for its readers.

3. Simplicity: Light verse is marked by its simplicity and accessibility. It avoids overly complex language or deep philosophical themes, favoring clear, conversational language that any reader can enjoy.

4. Playfulness: This form of poetry is also characterized by playfulness. It embraces the whimsical and absurd, often incorporating unexpected twists or surprising conclusions to delight and entertain the reader.

Looking at the rhythmic and rhyming patterns found in Light verse. (also required for the contest.) The rhythm in a poem is often established by a specific meter or cadence, which is the pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables in a line. For instance, a tetrameter (four beats per line) might be employed in the light verse under consideration for its catchy rhythm.

As for the rhyme scheme, it's common to find end rhymes in Light verse, where the final words in lines rhyme. For instance, a typical ABAB rhyme scheme might be as follows:

A. Chicken soup, warm and refined,
B. A culinary line,
A. With a fork, I dine,
B. Soup spilled a messy sign.

In this example, 'fine' and 'dine' (A) rhyme, and 'line' and 'sign' (B) also form a rhyming pair. Such rhythmic and rhyming patterns add a pleasing musicality to Light verse, making it enjoyable and memorable for readers.

I hope any of this is correct and helps
Joey


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
13
13
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Zeke ! I am Joey. I stumbled upon your work on the WdC Newsfeed. Since you had also recently taken the time to review one of the items in my portfolio, I thought I would return the favor. Please note that I'm learning about poetry and honing my skills in this genre. Thus, my feedback on poetry is based on my recent exploration and understanding. I hope to foster a constructive conversation and look forward to learning from our shared interest in this art form.

Your poem, an elegy mourning the loss of a tree's verdant life, suggests a rhythmic quality of what I believe to be "iambic pentameter," a standard meter in English poetry. Some notable grammatical decisions underline the poem's mournful theme, such as using the past tense to convey the tree's former vitality.

You could add more sensory descriptions to enhance the poem's impact, remarkably to heighten the contrast between the tree's past and present states. Also, if you did add more description, dividing the poem into stanzas would provide a visual break for readers and allow for more effective pacing.

In the fourth line, the word "special" to describe the tree's uniqueness seems a bit ordinary. It doesn't fully encapsulate the depth of the tree's significance. Exploring a more powerful adjective such as "extraordinary" could better express the profound impact and role this tree once held in the ecosystem. This minor tweak could add a more profound emotional resonance to your poem, further engaging the reader.

Additionally, I didn't like the seventh line that much. It seems not to fit in the line before you discuss its colors as vibrant, and we instinctively assume in springs and summers. Why not continue that theme to show the tree's transformation? Maybe "Changing its seasonal costume no longer part of its role" would better mirror the tree's past significance.

In the eighth line, the word "certain" is used. However, to make the connotation of impending loss more poignant, you might consider using the word "inevitable" instead. This change would add a more profound sense of destiny and unavoidable fate, intensifying the poem's emotional impact.

Considering the context and striving for grammatical accuracy, it would be beneficial to replace "past" with "passed." This subtle change would enhance the temporal nuances of the poem, emphasizing the progression of time and the inevitable transformation of the tree. "Passed" implies a dynamic shift from one state to another, underscoring the notion of the tree's gradual decline over time. This minor tweak not only refines the poem's linguistic precision but also deepens its emotional resonance, making the elegiac theme more poignant for the readers.

Overall, your poem is a poignant reflection on nature's transient beauty and the enduring legacy it leaves behind. You use simple yet evocative language to portray the tree's transformation over time, ultimately delivering a powerful message about nature's resiliency and the impact of time on humans and all living things.

In your Port bio intro, I saw that you prefer reading to writing, But I would encourage you to reconsider. You have enough talent to entertain and bemuse us with your work. Having a few new items will bring you more reviews and interactions.

Joey


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
14
14
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey Tracey, your essay on the interplay of nature and nurture in personal development and spirituality offers a compelling insight into an age-old debate. You vividly illustrate how innate traits and experiences shape our identities, reactions, and spiritual perspectives.

The narrative is deeply personal, adding a layer of authenticity that engages the reader. I liked your efforts to articulate the complex dynamic between genetic predisposition, upbringing, and personal experiences is commendable. They bring forth empathy and interconnectedness with others and the world around us, attributing it as a critical factor in their spiritual journey.

The piece skillfully illustrates the impact of sensory overload on an empathic individual, using personal experiences to demonstrate how external energies can be overwhelming. Additionally, the author explores the effect of religious upbringing on spiritual beliefs, offering a critical eye toward strict religious doctrines that often conflict with personal values and experiences.

Your journey through disbelief, exploration of various spiritual practices, and eventual settling on a personalized spiritual belief system is a testament to the transformative power of life experiences on inherent beliefs.

The discussion on the influence of social and community interactions on an individual's spiritual experiences is insightful, underscoring the importance of collective experiences in establishing a sense of awe and interconnectedness.

Lastly, your concluding remarks capture the essence of the essay, succinctly summarizing that nature and nurture collectively shape our identities. Overall, this essay is a thoughtful exploration of the nature vs. nurture debate, with a unique twist of spirituality, making it an engaging and enlightening read.

"Awe, Now comes the age-old question. Which affects us more, Redundancy, Clarity, Spelling, or Misplaced Commas?" Grammarly explains our battles with SPAG. Yet there are 49 instances of issues showing with my copy of Grammarly. Some areas could be improved for clarity and depth of discussion. Here are a few other thoughts:

1. Organization and Structure: The flow of the essay could be improved by organizing the content into clear paragraphs, each addressing a distinct point related to nature, nurture, or personal spirituality. The ideas seem to intermingle without a clear structure, sometimes making it difficult for the reader to follow the author's thoughts.

2. Use of Examples: While personal examples strengthen the narrative, the author could benefit from integrating more diverse examples and case studies from literature or research to fortify their argument. For instance, discussing twin studies could provide compelling evidence for the nature vs. nurture debate.

3. Grammar and Punctuation: The essay could benefit from grammar and punctuation checks. The use of parentheses is excessive, which interrupts the flow of reading. Revising these sentences to include the parenthetical information in the main sentence structure would improve readability. I would gladly do it if you want me to scan and send you a copy with the list of Grammar and clarity issues I see. But I always ask first now. I have been told that offering unsolicited edits is considered rude here on WdC.

4. Elaboration on Spiritual Elements: The spiritual aspects discussed in the essay could be further elaborated. Delving into different spiritual practices or philosophies might enrich the discussion and offer readers a more comprehensive understanding of how nature and nurture influence spirituality.

5. Introduction and Conclusion: The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. An introduction summarizing what the essay will discuss and a conclusion that ties all the points together would enhance the overall structure and comprehension of the essay.

6. Supporting References: The essay could be more impactful if it draws on scientific studies or authoritative sources to support the author's points, especially when discussing the effects of nature and nurture on spiritual development.

7. also, your item link at the bottom, "Written For {ritem:2204562|" is broken.

Here's an example I should have included above, as the paragraph discussing empathy and energy sensitivity could be revised for clarity and brevity as follows:

As an empath, I experience a heightened sense of connection with others and the world around me, which has shaped my spiritual awareness. This empathy allows me to feel others' emotions deeply, fostering a sense of selflessness. However, it can also be overwhelming, as the energies of the environment or significant global events can often create a palpable tension. Distinguishing my energy from external influences has been a critical part of my spiritual journey.

Always hoping for the best in your world.

Joey

Joeyc personal Angel Army Sig



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Review of Without Him  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
"Without Him" is a poignant and heart-wrenching piece that profoundly explores the fear, love, and despair experienced by a woman watching her husband's health decline. The poem is a raw and honest depiction of life, love, and the inevitable face of mortality, delivered through a series of simple yet emotionally charged statements from the protagonist's perspective.

From the opening line, the poet establishes a stark contrast between the vivid memories of the past and the harsh reality of the present – a once robust man now appears frail and old. This contrast is sustained throughout the poem, evoking a profound sense of loss.

The continuous use of direct speech imbues the poem with immediacy and intimacy. The consistent refrain "my mother said" acts as a powerful litany, underscoring the depth of the mother's distress and the magnitude of the impending loss.

The poem's strength lies in its simplicity and ability to encapsulate the enormity of love and grief in everyday actions – feeding him, stroking the cat, sorting through bills. These mundane tasks take on a heavier significance in the poem's context.

In conclusion, "Without Him" is a deeply moving exploration of love, loss, and the struggle to reconcile with the inevitability of mortality. Through simple, direct language and vivid imagery, the poet creates a touching and relatable portrait of a woman grappling with a reality she is unwilling to accept.

This poem reflects the love taught to a daughter as she observes her mother's commitment to her father. I do not know of any lesson that is more endearing or valuable to the advancement of mankind.

Joeyc personal Angel Army Sig


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Review of Winning Streak  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Damon,

I saw your item in the Newsfeed and thought I would give it a gander. Please note that my long reviews reflect a genuine appreciation of your work. Every word is sent as a candid and sincere critique. I hope you find something helpful in my suggestions.

"Winning Streak" by Damon Nomad is an engaging narrative that draws the reader into the affluent world of its protagonists, Victor and Claire. The character development, particularly of Victor, paints a vivid picture of a man entangled in his ego, competitiveness, and subsequent downfall.

The story showcases the devastating effects gambling can have on individuals and their relationships.
However, the story could benefit from a few enhancements. The dialogues could be more fleshed out to capture the individual voices of the characters better. They feel somewhat generic and do not contribute as much as they could to the characterization.

Furthermore, the pacing of the plot could be improved. The deterioration of Victor's life seems to happen all too suddenly. To make the narrative more believable, the author could incorporate more subtle hints of Victor's growing addiction and the strain it is causing on his relationship with Claire earlier in the text, gradually building up to the climax.

Moreover, the story ends on a rather abrupt and tragic note. While this certainly leaves an impression, the author might consider providing a bit more closure, perhaps by adding a scene that reveals the aftermath of Victor's actions, allowing the reader to fully understand the repercussions of his decisions.

Overall, "Winning Streak" is a compelling tale of self-destruction and the dark side of ambition. It could be even more impactful with a few adjustments to dialogue pacing. While "Winning Streak" by Damon Nomad does an excellent job of evoking tension and emotional distress, areas could be improved to enhance the overall readability and impact.

Here are some suggestions:

SPaG: Spelling, punctuation, and grammar are issues. I counted more than 50 mistakes in this item. Mainly Grammar usage with Commas.

Character Development: Victor's character could benefit from further depth. His competitive nature and gambling problem are well-described. Still, more details about his past, motivations, and struggles would make him more relatable and human.

Detailed Backstory: The author could delve into Victor's formative years, perhaps showing how early experiences fostered his competitive spirit and risk-taking tendencies. For example, they could explore his relationship with a competitive sibling or a demanding parent.
Motivation: It would be helpful to understand what drives Victor to compulsive gambling. Is it a desire for thrill, a means to escape reality, or a desperate need to maintain his affluent lifestyle? These motivations should be made more explicit.

Internal Dialogue: More of Victor's internal thoughts and feelings could be shared with the reader. His fears, anxieties, rationalizations for his behavior, and moments of self-reflection would add layers to his character.

Character Interaction: The way Victor interacts with other characters, such as Claire, could be used to further illustrate his personality. His dialogue, actions, and reactions could reveal more about his character. The author might also show Victor from the perspective of other characters to provide a multifaceted view of his personality.

Examples of Enhanced Dialogue: The conversation between Victor and Claire seems quite generic. Their dialogues could be made more specific and impactful to reflect their distinct personalities and the growing tension in their relationship. For instance, when Victor tells Claire about his gambling, it could be something like:

Victor: "Another round, Claire. Just one more win, and we're set for life."
Claire: "Victor, it's not about the money. You're losing yourself in this addiction, and it's stealing the man I love."

This dialogue reflects Victor's dismissive attitude and Claire's concern, effectively demonstrating their tension. It also gives readers a glimpse into the potential hurt and devastation that lie ahead, thus enhancing the story's emotional depth.

Improving Pacing: The pacing of Victor's downfall could be achieved more gradually, making it more realistic. The author could, at the beginning, introduce subtle signs of Victor's increasing obsession with gambling, such as spending more time at casinos, showing restlessness when he's not gambling, showing small but increasing financial losses, or lying about where he has been. Midway through the story, Victor shows signs of serious financial troubles and strained relationships. This could be illustrated through scenes where he borrows money or has heated arguments with Claire. The pace could pick up towards the end, depicting a rapid downward spiral, ultimately leading to the tragic climax. This gradual buildup would make the narrative more believable while maintaining the tension and suspense throughout the story.

Plot Development: The plot's believability could be improved by incorporating more instances that hint at Victor's desperation before he approaches Wendell for money. For example, the author could describe scenes where Victor is seen borrowing money from other friends or selling personal items, which would highlight the severity of his gambling addiction. Additionally, Victor's relationship with Claire could be strained by multiple confrontations about his gambling, which might lead Claire to confide in Wendell. This could set the stage for Wendell to become a significant character when Victor demands money from him later in the story. These subtle enhancements can give readers a more gradual and believable unraveling of Victor's life.

Resolution Enhancement: The author could explore various storytelling elements to provide a more fulfilling resolution. For instance, a narrative epilogue showing Claire's life several months or years later - living a sober, gambling-free life, perhaps dedicating her time to helping others with addiction problems, could offer a poignant closure. Alternatively, a reflective scene where Claire visits Victor's grave, expressing her lingering emotions and revealing her path forward, could also bring the story to a satisfying conclusion. Finally, a community response, showing how they have learned from Victor's story and perhaps started initiatives to combat gambling addiction, could provide an impactful end to the narrative. This would leave the reader with closure and contemplation about the broader societal implications of the story's events.

Descriptive Language: Nomad could further immerse the reader by providing more detailed descriptions of the settings and the characters' inner experiences. For instance, instead of stating, "Victor was nervous," the author could write, "Sweat trickled down Victor's temple, his hands trembling slightly as he forced a smile, his heart pounding like a drum inside his chest." This describes Victor's physical state and alludes to his emotional turmoil, giving the reader a deeper insight into his condition.

Greater depth in Relations: The relationship between Claire and Victor and between Victor and Wendell could benefit from being explored more. This could be achieved through more scenes of interaction and dialogue.

Remember, these are merely suggestions aimed at enhancing the already compelling narrative that has been crafted. I pray that something in this review is helpful.
Joey


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
17
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Review by Joey's Spri...
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi, Kiya,

I have received many reviews from "The WDC Angel Army" . I guess it's time I joined in, particularly when most of the review groups I am affiliated with are at all-time lows or completely defunct. I would proudly accept an invitation to join your group if you.
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for entry "Peanuts Comic Strip" 
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Oh, but the Peanut Gallery doesn't refer to children. It was a term for the cheap balcony seats in theaters before the 1964 Civil Rights Act. The phrase is considered a derogatory, racist idiom these days. But then those under the age of 50 know little about the harasey of Jim Crow. Nor do they know that Jim Crow was not a real person, rather it was a pejorative for "Negro" used by the democrats when they wrote their anti-black segregation laws.



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19
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Review of Green Dragon  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Oh goodness, Amethyst Angel (House Mormont)

I can't believe how much better this version is over the first; your writing voice is starting to come through more consistently. I like all the changes you've made...

But you still have a lot of comma issues. (19) "Grammarly" is the fastest and simplest. "Prowritingaid" is more detailed. While I don't always agree with their suggested edits, they help spot the major issues quickly and easily.

If you want to try Grammarly out, it's free to test... https://app.grammarly.com/. If you want to see the difference between free and paid, let me know.


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20
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Review of Rolls n Rounds  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Youdii Emmanuel
I found your item {item: 2308302} on the newsfeed and thought I would look at it. I am trying to learn poetry and have been told the best way to accomplish the task is to read and review. So, I read and watched "YouTube videos, " which made me an expert. Now, I am going to share what I see. Note … this in no way asserts my understanding of this genre other than I am trying. If requested, I can ship a full-sized box of Morton's. "When I rain words (write,) it still pours."

I think this piece can be classified as a free verse poem. A literary device, free from regular meter or rhythm limitations, does not rhyme with fixed forms. In this particular piece, there's a clear lack of consistent meter or rhyme scheme, which appears to mimic the natural rhythms of speech. It's emotional and expressive, focusing on personal feelings and thoughts, and it tells us a vivid story, which are common qualities in free verse poetry.

It feels like a raw and honest expression, and this poem beautifully captures the nuances of passionate love. Direct speech and first-person point of view give readers a glimpse into the intimacy and depth of the characters' relationship. The flowing narrative is engaging, pulling readers into the emotional journey.

However, the poem may benefit from some revisions. The transition between the speaker's love for Bob and Bob's love for 'her' is abrupt and confusing. Perhaps distinguishing these relationships more clearly would add depth to the narrative.

Second, using rhymes and rhythm, while not mandatory, could enhance the poem's musicality. The phrase "I loved him with no reasons. I loved him in all seasons." is a good start, but it appears too late in the poem.

Lastly, the poem's language is somewhat casual, which, while appealing to some, may detract from the poem's emotional impact on others. Consider refining the diction to infuse more gravitas into the narrative. I think the poem could reach its full potential with these modifications, creating a more impactful and coherent love narrative. Okay, what is that supposed to mean? I should have said, "Use stronger Nouns and Verbs."

I am told poetry is about emotion and that the best I can offer is my gut reactions. So you accomplished what a poem is supposed to. It moved me…


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21
21
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Phillip,
I found your poem on the random read and review page. I am new to this genre of Creative Writing. But like my other attempts at learning, I find it best to dive in, study, and test my understanding by trying to review. So, here goes...

The poem presents a haunting narrative woven with fear, confusion, and a tragic realization. The anguish and terror of the protagonist, a nine-year-old girl plagued by false memories and a distorted perception of reality, are tangible in the poem's opening lines. The poet masterfully uses the darkened room as a metaphor for the protagonist's mind clouded with fear and confusion. The motif of fleeing, literally and metaphorically, is a constant theme throughout, indicating a struggle to escape a perceived threat.

The characters introduced – the gaoler (jailer), the policeman, the banker, the clown, and the son – are instrumental in unfolding the plot. They add depth to the narrative and contribute to the mounting tension. The imagery of strangers dragging the protagonist into their car is particularly disturbing, hinting at the theme of loss of control and manipulation.

The poem's penultimate stanza takes a dramatic turn, revealing the girl's plan to kill the gaoler. This plot twist serves as a chilling climax to the narrative, heightening the tension further. However, the ultimate revelation that the gaoler is her son is both heart-wrenching and jarring. This unexpected twist forces readers to question the reality throughout the poem, evoking an intense emotional response.

Despite its somber theme, the poem is beautifully written, with a compelling narrative that captivates readers from start to finish. The language is simple yet effective, and the rhythm and rhyme scheme add a musical element that contrasts starkly with the disturbing content. In conclusion, the poem is a poignant exploration of fear, confusion, and the devastating effects of distorted reality, offering an emotionally charged read that leaves a lasting impression.


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22
22
Review of Rescue  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Again, Angie, you have done a great job developing a story from almost nothing. You asked me how I or other writers develop things and how we get the ideas for our stories. They come from experience, remembered books, and chance research topics. The more you read and write, the deeper your pencil box gets, and the more tidbits are saved in the back of your mind. They pop out when you least expect them. Below is an edit by paragraph. (too early for line-by-line) your original wording is in blue. My notes are in black, and a few suggestions are in green. Please take your muse by the hand and put her in front of these notes. Make her read them several times, and you sit with your eyes closed and watch her play out the story. Then, write and edit what you saw her say and do.

Okay, here goes... remember I am not telling you what to do! I am attempting to wake your muse. She will do the work if you trust her.

*************************************************************************

Emily sighed, staring mournfully out her upstairs window at the dreary November afternoon, with nary a leaf left on the bare, shivering trees. Sitting at her desk with a quill pen and journal, she counted sorrows.


Emily sighed is very cliche. Better to show!!!! This is your protagonist…never tell the reader what she sees, feels, or thinks…always Show her!!! To the reader. You can "Tell" us about everything else.

The feathered tip of her quill bent as her breath slipped passed thin lips, and her gaze focused on the bare silver-gray fingers of the old maple outside the window. Oh, November, could you not leave a spit of color for me to use? But No, nary anything beyond your gray.

***********************************************************************

"This town is too small. I don't have any friends. I miss my parents. This house is too big and empty. It's been snowing for three days. I haven't gone outside in weeks. The days are much too brief and frigid now." Her quill scratched across the paper as she spilled out her frustrations. "I might as well be a prisoner in some miserable Norwegian wasteland."

Good ideas for scene setting, using dialogue, works well. It is one of those items in our pencil box I spoke of. I would think Emily's lost parents were more important than the town's size. It should come first; you could be more direct and clipped in her words. Emily is talking to herself… she knows what she means, and the reader will understand.

"Mama, I miss you and Daddy. Oh, damnation, see yet more snow. Why are three days not enough?" A snapping pop from an ember in the fireplace drew her attention."A Giant, empty house and not a soul to share it with. No wonder my muse fades uncooperative like a prisoner's hope in this Norwegian Wasteland.

*************************************************************************
At this point, she paused, too exhausted to continue. In the heavy stillness, a dog started barking persistently, getting closer and louder until it seemed to Emily that it must have come right in her garden gate to her doorstep.


You need a comma after point if you don't change anything. Here is more narrative filtering: your exposition gets between the reader and Emily. Why is Emily exhausted? Do you mean physically or mentally? This is an important point in the story. Spunky is the catalyst for change. The dog's entry moves the story to its next step. Now, try to show the reader without getting in the way. Slip into Emily's body, close your eyes, and picture yourself sitting, staring out the window. You are depressed, lonely, and suffering from a melange. Oh, the dog can use dialogue, too. Puppy talk Yap, yap, yap. These Onomatopoeia. Words that sound like the sound it describes, e.g. bang, boom, pow, yap, and yip, to share a few.

"Yap, yap, Ruffa yip.." Emily's head tilted sideways, and her chin rose from her chest. She strained forward to see out the window in the direction of the hurried barking from her front stoop.

**************************************************************************
"Now that's just what I need," she grumbled as she went downstairs. Opening the front door, she was met by a medium-sized shaggy brown terrier, who was overjoyed to see her. Emily knelt down to read its name tag: Spunky.

The beginning of this is good. It shows frustration, but is that what you really need or want? What if Emily were more surprised than frustrated? Would it be easier for a reader to empathize with Emily as grumpy or depressed? You don't need to tell the reader she opened the door. In my suggestion samples, I expressly say Emily is looking out to the front of her house. It is easily implied to the reader that Emily will find the dog out front. It is a very quick and simple jump for the reader. Filling in too many blanks makes the reading boring. It would help if you looked for places to imply, infer, and allow speculation by the reader.

"That's what I need, another distraction." Downstairs on the porch, the shaggy brown terrier jumped and twirled, continuing his barks. Stooping over, Emily caught his collar and tag. "Spunky, is it? What is all this noise about?"

**************************************************************************
"Quiet, Spunky, for goodness sake." She cautiously held out her hand, remembering the proper way to introduce oneself to a dog. Spunky sniffed it briefly and kept barking, making short dashes off the porch, a few steps down the path and up to her again with a sense of urgency.

I only had a few little items, and telling the reader how to make friends with a dog is unnecessary.

"Quiet, Spunky, for goodness sake." She cautiously held out her hand. Spunky sniffed it briefly and kept barking, making short dashes off the porch, a few steps down the path, and up to her again with a sense of urgency.

****************************************************************************
"Now what…?" Emily was puzzled. Spunky impatiently sank his teeth into her furry robes and tugged. She put on her snow boots and followed him reluctantly outside into the cold.

Filler doesn't move the story forward or provide any needed information. It would help if you cut the whole paragraph. It is cliche, a very over done troupe.

****************************************************************************
She glanced at her barren yard and couldn't help noticing how the late afternoon sun shimmered through the icy branches, casting lacy shadows across the snow. A tall, slim holly laden with berries provided a welcome dash of red and green, and was that a cardinal flitting by? Perhaps the snow season wasn't as lifeless as it seemed.


Don't need anything in this scene, setting a mistake in the middle of the action… Interrupting Spunk's heroic emergency imitation of Lasie is like telling your readers about your fifth birthday party while you are in the middle of a car crash. Cut it all


*****************************************************************************
Spunky led her down the sidewalk towards a small figure lying in the snow. Emily gasped as she saw the boy's pale, frightened face. He explained how he'd injured himself on the ice while walking Spunky and had sent the dog to get help. She helped him stand up and shuffled him back to her house, where she settled them into a chair by the fireplace and prepared hot cocoa.

We already talked about filtering. So, here goes lots of unnecessary darlings… Since little joey is not seriously injured, he would not be on Emily's porch the next day. How about a twisted ankle, which can be alluded to in the next paragraph?

Well, it's obvious you want me. show me." Emily watched the dog scamper left at the corner to a lump of plaid and corduroy. When the boy's arm moved, she rushed to him.

*************************************************************************************************

Twenty four hours later, Emily found herself sitting on her front porch with little Joey, his parents, and Spunky, watching a rare and stunning aurora borealis as it sent swirling curtains of glowing green and lavender across the night sky. She could almost feel the mysterious positive energy it transmitted.


Why would Emily be surprised to be on her front porch, and how big is this porch? I felt the turn of the century Norwegian village from the scene settings. This means only steps on the front of the homes of the period. You would be better set on a side porch, a glassed-in conservatory. What if Emily was really Amalie Skram, a German-born woman who married Erik Skram, a Norwegian businessman. Amalie was a Pulitzer Prize-winning author and publisher from the late eighteen-hundreds. "Madam Høiers leiefolk." It was her first published story about a poor family migrating to Norway.

Emily set the silver tray on the wicker table in front of the settee. "So tell me, Joey, how is your ankle today?" she said in her native tongue.

"Much better today, Miss."

As Emily filled the tea cups, small steam trails swirled toward the glass ceilings. She passed a cup and saucer to Joey's mother.

"Mrs. Skram, I can't thank you enough for finding and helping my son. I am in your debt." Said the boy's mother

"Nonsense, I am glad Spunky chose my door to call on. It is nice to find a German family so near. I miss speaking my mother's tongue." Emily's fingers pointed to the northern glass wall. "Oh, look, Joey… see that mystic green glow on the horizon? It is the Aurora Borealis. I think they call them "Nordlys" in Norwegian. Tonight is supposed to be one of the best viewings of the season." They all watched as the night sky took on a bath of effervescent emerald.

Emily picked up her pencil and faced Joey's mother. "Now, Madam Høiers leiefolk, tell me more about your journey, and please do not leave out any of the pains you endured."

*****************************************************************************
"Life's not quite as bad as all that," she thought. "I'm so excited to meet this family." She remembered her list of sorrows, sitting unread upstairs, and smiled as she realized it should rather become a list of her many blessings. "Perhaps the local resemblance to Norway isn't such a miserable thing after all."

Delete this telling paragraph if you use something more like the above.


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Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Here, I'll take the Best Overall Fiction.


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Review of Surprises  
Review by Joey's Spri...
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Sonali,

I like this effort... it looks like you hit all the lines with 11 good rhymes, and all done in time...Hehe.

More than ten years your senior, I still think we share a generational quandary. I rarely got what I wanted or expected for birthdays or Christmas either.

But parents back then were not as free to share family finances back then. I thought my parents were rich, but so did all my dad's sisters. Who often left their kids at our house for him to raise. But then, he was the only one who owned our house. The others paid rent (sometimes.)


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25
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Review by Joey's Spri...
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very nice poem. (I can only share my gut reaction.) I am very new to this art form and not very learned. And this stuff is hard for old guys to comprehend. It's not that my heart isn't malible. It's my brain going soft.

I noticed line 9 has 12 syllables." as (1) galaxies(3) implode,(2) arise,(2) and (1) shapeshift. (3)"


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