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388 Public Reviews Given
490 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of A Memo  
Review by Happy Spring
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Brandon,

A very inspiring memo.

This should be sent to all students and corporations, young or old.

It was well written and I definitely noticed the format that you chose to write this. I see it as a tree or even an urn to represent ones life...Very original. To grow or to fill up with ones goals,dreams, etc. and to stay true to his or her self.

Your memo causes a person to step out of his inner self and look at the broader picture. The small things that happen along the way are just stepping stones or a means to an end to reach a final goal.

Wouldn't it be nice for everyone, including us writers, to receive inspiration like this in a memo or letter?

Great advice and wisdom given here.*Wink*


I didn't see any glaring lines that need any correction *Wink*

I liked it very much and thank you for the read!

"Inker"
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed".
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Review of A Drawn Blade  
Review by Happy Spring
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,Brendan!*Smile*

I'm Jan and I liked your story and especially your title. The reader knows there will definitely be an action/adventure tale to tell.

*Check3*My General Impressions
You sure know how to write an action-packed scene! You kept your story moving and I was hooked from the beginning.

*Check3*Favorite Parts
Vincent was quick-thinking and used the branch to his advantage, distracting Burke just enough to worry, leaving some doubt. Very Good! *Wink*

*Check3*Characters
Both characters represented strength and power. In the end, one would have to over-power the other. A continuous battle until the end.

*Check3*Grammar, spelling, sentence structure, etc.
Most all above were correct and fine. I did find one place: "fend off each blow: every time Vincent seemed to get closer to landing a blow on Burke, his adversary redoubled the onslaught against him so he couldn’t get close enough to touch him."

After "fend off each blow: every time...." A period is needed after blow and Every should be capitalized.
Another colon was placed here, instead of a semi-colon. "but he was too slow: although he wore protective clothing....

I hope I am making myself clear on the above corrections. These are very minor corrections. More importantly, you have a wonderful vocabulary!*Smile*

*Check3*My Personal Thoughts Here:
This looks like a great action/adventure story in the making. Great Job!

*Exclaim* These are just my own opinions and I think your story flowed well and again,action-packed. I'm sure you have more to add to this story in the future.*Exclaim*


*Star*I came away feeling triumphant in that Vincent had won. I was rooting for him all along!*Wink*

Thanks for sharing this item! Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

"Inker"
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed".
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Review of Comment-In-A-Box  
Review by Happy Spring
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi SMs! My name is Jan!*Smile*

I have been a member for over a year and I am so glad that I read (again) your article on how to rate a review, Comment-In-A-Box."

It is even more clear to me then when I had read it previously. I was really struggling in the beginning of how to give a proper review and rating.

I now accept the fact that honesty is the best policy. If a writer asks for honesty and a proper rating is given, then we both will benefit by it.
However, I still sometimes back out of work that is poorly written. I can't bring myself to give a low rating, because with it, I would have to spend a lot of time to justify it. At this point, I feel the writer has been cheated. I'm still struggling with this.*Smile*

I found your article simply written, pointing out the pros and cons of ratings. What I liked the most, was the format that you used to write your article.
It is a wonderful tool and I have printed it out.

As you have mentioned, a "pat on the back" with a perfect rating, would tell the author that there is no more work to be done. Unless of course it is perfect, such as this one!*Smile*

As WDC members, we came here to learn and hone our craft. This is what WDC is definitely all about. To write and review, is how we learn, even it it hurts sometimes. We just need to remember that it is all about the work and not about the writer. We all hope to get that perfect rating and that is what we strive for. However, if it isn't perfect, then we need to write it again. To become a better writer takes work.

Thank you for answering all my questions. I had a "few" and you qualified and backed up all of your answers. Congratulations and thank you!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed".
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Review by Happy Spring
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Pennywise! *Smile*

A very good twist to your story, "Unemployment Bites." I like the title and it fit well. Your title drew me in with today's jobless population.
Very timely, indeed!

You gave nothing away throughout your story. I never saw the end coming, because he was that cool and calculating.

With only 300 words to work with and within in a very short time period, I think you did well! Keeping words to a minimum like that causes you to make every word count. It's not the easiest thing to do.

The flow and dialog kept me reading.

I only saw two things here that caught my attention:

1. The only thing I would suggest is that paragraph twelve seems way to long. I think breaking it up into two sentences would be better and even add more impact. *Wink*

2. Simples? Shouldn't this be singular?.

These are only my observations. You know what is best in the time you have left to submit. Good luck with the contest! I liked it a lot!

Thanks for the read!

"Inker"
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Review of For Her...  
Review by Happy Spring
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi,James!*Smile*

My name is Jan and I read your story "For Her" and wanted to share some thoughts with you.

*Check3*This is a sweet story of a boy's first true love.
You are very poetic in your descriptions of his feelings, which I liked. You cetainly show your talent here.*Wink*

*Check3*Setting

Your scenes most often included nature as your backdrop, which adds some interest to your story. However, as a reader, I did lose interest and this is the reason why:

Your story shifted from one place to another, regarding this boy's feelings of love. It was for this reason, I became confused. Your time and place of these feelings are scattered. In your defense, let's suffice to say that they are ramblings of feelings as if in a dream and the various directions that you take your readers. This does not help solidify your story. I know you are expressing this boy's love for this girl, through his emotions, but your story (again) lacks direction. This is, after all, your story (not a dream})and you want to pull the reader in, from the very beginning.

I felt the first and eighth paragraphs were out of context completely, causing lack of smoothness, flow and direction. Because of this, I was confused to where your story was going.

*Check3*Grammar, spelling, sentence structure, etc.

I didn't see any glaring corrections, except:

*Cut* this spectacular emotion would grace someone in dear need of love.*Cut*


Did you mean dire and not dear?

My one and only important suggestion here is to read your story aloud and perhaps you will hear the lack of flow and smoothness that your story really deserves and of which I mentioned previously.

*Check3*}My Personal Thoughts Here:
I came away remembering my first true love, so very long ago. Thanks for helping me remember and for sharing your story!


*Exclaim* Remember,these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I know you requested a review from the "Request a Review" page and I hope I have helped. I backed out of your story three times,*Wink* before I decided to go ahead. Your story deserved good (I hope) concrete suggestions. Just keep on writing and rewriting, until your story is the best that it can be. *Exclaim*

*Star* I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. I think with a little work, this could be a great short story!!!

P.S. Contrary to your belief, we writers on WDC do read bios. It helps us get to know the writer when we do our reviews! So jump in, 'cause the water's fine!! *Smile*

Inker

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed."
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Review of Another Life  
Review by Happy Spring
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Liva!*Smile*

My name is Jan and I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*My Beginning Statement:
You bring home all the feelings of an elderly woman, at the last stage of her life.

*Check3*General Impressions
Very sad and thought-provoking. I have a mother-in-law who is 86 and I wonder what thoughts she would have, if placed in a home....which may be in the near future.

*Check3*Characters
I like the way she refers to herself as Marilyn in an earlier time in her life. I see a beautiful woman at one time and now her life is passing her by.

*Check3*Setting
The nursing homes and all that goes with them, is portrayed well. I've been in enough of them to know this and I think you have also.

*Check3*Dialog
Her dialog with herself and each incident happening on that day in the park, can be every outing we shall ever see with our elderly.
Only you speak her mind and all the elderly that come there.

*Check3*Grammar, spelling, sentence structure, etc.
A little work with your sentence structure and paragraphs would make this a smoother, but otherwise beautiful and emotional story to read.
*Wink*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! Just keep on writing and rewriting, until your story is the best that it can be. *Exclaim*

*Check3*My Personal Thoughts Here:
A very sad story that happens over and over again. Your descriptions of what this woman sees and feels puts our elderly in a newer light.
They are human beings with their own stories to tell. We should stop and listen more, rather than pass them by. A smile or a pat on the hand would be a wonderful gesture, if they weren't so afraid.

*Star*I didn't come away with that ahh feeling, because this could never be. It was truthful and to the point. Thanks for sharing your story! Your thoughts from an elderly person's point of view was refreshing and again, thought-provoking. It's not how we would like to seem them, but rather how they feel and see us. Only then, can we really be more helpful, calm their fears and be more loving. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!! Their stories should be known.

Inker

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed".

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Review of A Day on the Farm  
Review by Happy Spring
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, Wally!*Smile*

My name is Jan and I liked your story: "A Day on the Farm."

*Check3*General Impressions
I thought your story was great! Each of these roosters thought all was well as long as things went "their way"...lol A Good analogy of the society that we live in.

*Check3*Favorite Parts
Of course, it would be the end when Charley couldn't imagine that he would be in the same predicament as his fellow mates.

*Check3*Characters
That you gave personalities to these roosters was hysterical. I thought of our senators and congressmen. They do a lot of that clucking and squawking, don't they? Just like the roosters, one statement to one, wasn't the same to another....Politicians make strange bed fellows.

*Check3*Plot
One by one, they would meet their due, thinking it would never happen to them. There was no remorse for the ones who went down.

*Check3*Setting
The barnyard and Farmer Sam. Oh, my! I loved the way the roosters acted in their own self-interest. Reminded me of our oil companies....Great! *Wink*

*Check3*Dialog
This was great. It took your story from beginning to end smoothly, with cocky Charley being the last man standing.

*Check3*{{ .c:green}Grammar, spelling, sentence structure, etc.
All good and no problems here. *Wink*

Henry asked what that thing was in Farmer Sam's hand:

*Cut*Charlie replied, “That’s a hatchet. It’s something the farmer uses to chop things. Don’t you pay attention to what’s happening on the farm?”

“Nope. The farmer can do anything he wants, so long as I get what’s coming to me.”
*Cut*
This was the best and this said it all, except that this is where HENRY should have been taken to the chopping block, not Bob. That is my ONLY suggestion for your story.

*Check3*My Personal Thoughts Here:
A great story. I'll never think of our politicians in the same way again. A great example of our society. You reduced us to a bunch of chickens...lol We are who we are, after all. I think your experience has made you a real "people" person. Great Job!


*Star*I came away laughing, but it was really serious stuff! I could even relate your story to a PTA or HOA meeting. Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece.

Inker
*Quill*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review of The Ritual  
Review by Happy Spring
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)

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Hi Lee!*Smile*

My name is Jan. I am a proud member of the "WDC Power Raid Forum" and I liked your story. I wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*Although I come up short with the fantasy genre, I thought I would give it a go!*Smile*

*Check3*General Impressions

Your story kept my interest from the very beginning. Your opening line was good, pulling me in. I knew it was going to be
fun. I found that it was more and your humor only made it better!

*Check3*Favorite Parts

When Osper admitted that his first kill was a mountain hair. Good grief, Lee.....lol

*Check3*Characters

Your characters stayed true throughout your story. Osper with his mean, "know it all" attitude and Stealth growling the whole way, but trusting his friend, no matter what. I assumed his real name was "mic?"


*Check3*Plot

Great! The whole story portrayed the climb up to the "hill", as Osper called it, for his ceremony to honor his tribal god, Fior and their first kill.

*Check3*Setting

To climb up a "hill", as Osper called it, knowing you had to come down the "mountain" which Stealth recognized, you knew there was more to this story. With this very opposite duo, you knew there would be a surprise ending here.

*Check3*Dialog

Fantastic! I love the dialog and your descriptions of the actual fight with the ogre. As a reader though, I was in the dark of what the ogre actually looked like. More description here would be good. I know you can do it! *Laugh*

*Check3*Grammar, spelling, sentence structure, etc.

I usually don't do these corrections, because heaven knows I make my share of blunders!! If there was
really a lot of work to be done here, I would offer some advice. I'm not a grammar teacher, nor do I wish to be. You just need to go over your punctuation again. As I said, I'm only interested in your story and how it comes across to me as your reader. *Wink*


*Cut* Osper turned, looked him in the eye and said, "'twas a pretty tough hare, ya know."
*Cut*

Now that sums up your Osper character quite well. Trying to stay all mean when he was really a coward, after all!


*Check3*My Personal Thoughts Here:

*Exclaim* Remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! Just keep on writing and rewriting, until your story is the best that it can be. *Exclaim*

*Check3*My Tricks of the Trade
A good writing program, dictionary, thesaurus and reading your work aloud. It works for me!*Smile*

My one and only important suggestion to you is: Reread your story over again and check your punctuation. Your story will flow even better.[/b}

*Star*I came away laughing and it was a fun read!....Thanks for sharing this story! I just may read some more fantasy...*Wink*I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more stories just like this!!!

"Inker"

*Star**Star**Star*


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Review of The Skirt  
Review by Happy Spring
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi ikiya! *Smile*

My name is Jan. I saw your story highlighted in my newsletter for short stories. I wanted to share some of my thoughts with you.


*Check3*General Impressions

I was very impressed with your story. I was reminded of the time, years back of course, how we hated our navy blue uniforms! The catholic school, where I had attended, had demanded that we wear a blue jumper, with a white long-sleeved blouse, buttoned up all the way to the rounded collar. To change that, by shortening the length would have been disasterous, to say the least. Nancy was brave enough to fight the system! *Wink*

*Check3*Favorite Parts

Definitely, the ninth paragraph. Nancy acted out her independence, showing everyone what all of young women longed for, but were afraid of making a change.

*Check3*Characters

Nancy, who had everything, wanted more. She wanted to be herself, not just a another young student, clad in a long skirt. She set an example for all her peers.

*Check3*Plot

Your plot held true, from beinning to end. Nancy wanted to be different and stand out. Her peers wanted to reject her, but at the same time, were envious and admired her for her courage.

*Check3*Setting

A small town, where everyone did what was expected. Breaking a rule, gave them something to talk about. This was a typical small town. I was raised in one just like that. After I attended public school, one day I wore lipstick and was called into the office. I was reamed out big time and she tried to humiliate me. I was still glad I wore it!*Laugh*

*Check3*Dialog
Even though your story flowed well from beinning to end without dialog, you succeeded. Good job!

*Star*
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better. My only suggestion would be to have some dialog, perhaps when Nancy was confronted by the headmaster. I feel it would add more interest to the story.*Smile*


*Cut* It was all we could talk about. How humiliating. How disgusting. How slutty. We tried to ignore the pained looks of longing in the males' eyes, the sharp scent of need, lust and desire that roiled off their bodies in waves as they eyed our long, drab skirts. Suddenly the day which had started out like any other, had become bleak and miserable. *Cut*


This paragraph really "showed" how this small town held fast to their rules. You had to be brave, like Nancy, if you wanted to change anything! *Wink*

e:exclaim} Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -
- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just one person's opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

*Check3*Closing

I saw no mistakes in your grammer or spelling. Thanks for sharing you story with me. I usually only review the types of stories that interest me. It shook my memory enough to go write about my "lipstick" episode! *Wink*

Keep the ink flowing and write, write and write some more!*Wink*

"Inker"

Janice Weinberger
http://writing.com/authors/janicew
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Review by Happy Spring
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi theOhawk! *Smile*

My name is Jan. I liked your story and I wanted to share some of my thoughts with you.


*Check3*General Impressions

I wasn't sure if this story was going to feature one woman as a ghost. It was a very dark and stormy night and I thought this was where you were headed with your story. I was pleasantly surprised!

This accidental meeting of these two women, sharing the same loss of a loved one, drew them into a beautiful friendship. Your story portrayed the identical sadness that these two woman had experienced, with the loss of their sons. One, only several days before, while the other many years earlier. While Denise was much younger, she realized that the older woman Martha, had indeed experience all the emotions that Denise herself felt about the loss of her son.

*Check3*Favorite Parts

The beginning scene, with Denise struggling to reach a safe dry place, any place, even though she really didn't care to.
She really didn't want to live but being human, she wanted to find a safe haven to get out of the storm. The detail of the storm was so vived. Your "show, don't tell" descriptions of the storm and the old farm house were excellent. You made me use all my senses here. I could even taste the black coffee, which I felt was pretty strong...*Wink*

*Check3*Characters

I thought both women, Denise and Martha, stayed true to their characters through out your story. Both of their sons had died a tragic death, but both of them blamed themselves. Denise hoped that one day, she could forgive herself, as Martha had gradually done, years before.

*Check3*Plot

I thought the plot was excellent. Two women, regardless of their age difference, experienced the same emotions and guilt.
The similarities in their lives eventually, drew them together to become good friends. The grief that one experiences with the loss of a loved one, is at first, only their grief. In other words, each and everyone of us are not alone in our pain.

*Check3*Setting

I loved the setting of the old farm house. Your descriptions were vivid and I felt they were true to life.

*Check3*Dialog

I loved the dialog between Denise and Martha. It helped your very descriptive story flow even better.

*Star*
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better. Of course, your spelling and grammer were just fine. I have no suggestions, except to use this story as the first chapter of a great novel.*Smile*

*Check3*Closing

Thanks for sharing you story with me. I usually only review the types of stories that interest me. I love nostalgia and you coupled it with a very modern world, through these two women. Your details and descriptions kept me reading. *Smile*

Keep the ink flowing and write, write and write some more!*Wink*

"Inker"

Janice Weinberger
http://writing.com/authors/janicew
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Review by Happy Spring
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi ! *Smile*

My name is Jan. I liked your story and title.


*Check3*General Impressions

Your story held a lot of suprises to say the least and really kept me laughing.*Laugh*

*Check3*Favorite Parts

Second paragraph! The whole damn thing was funny!

*Check3*Characters
Mr. B, reminded me of Mr. Scrooge, even though you gave no description of him. Buying teeth from a door-to-door salesman, because they were half the price....Really!

*Check3*Plot
Funny plot right to the twist in the end *Wink*

*Check3*Setting
I think some details could have been added to this picture of the old man looking into the mirror...This would make your story even funnier.


*Star*
Just a suggestion. Please do with it what you wish.*Smile*


*Check3*Grammer and Spelling

I saw no problems here and were fine.
*Check3*Closing
Thanks for sharing you story with me. I usually only review the types of stories that interest me. This was a very funny story and I have to say, you did leave the reader wanting to use his imagination. I could picture all kinds of things here.*Laugh*

You definitely have a flair for humor and the gift of imagination. This was a very funny story!

Keep the ink flowing and write, write and write some more!*Wink*

"Inker"

Janice Weinberger
http://writing.com/authors/janicew[/b}
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Review of The Invisible Man  
Review by Happy Spring
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi fyn!*Smile*

My name is Jan. I caught your story in the short story newsletter this week. I liked your story and I wanted to share some of my thoughts with you.

*Check3*General Impressions
A beautiful and thought-provoking story. The career that this man chose, following his father whom he never knew, was ironic. It was after all, in his genes.*Wink* From your opening line, your story flowed and carried the reader through to the end. You picked the perfect title here.

*Check3*Favorite Parts
"Although Merrick made....You describe Daniel, his personality and his love for the camera wonderfully. I loved your last two lines.

*Check3*Characters

Your character "Daniel Merrek" is a true loner who chooses to see the world behind his len. Staying behind the lens is what he preferred. You show rather than tell in your description of what kind person Daniel is. A very strong character is portrayed throughout. My husband makes his living as a pharmacist. His hobby? Photography. Soon to retire, that is what he will be doing for the rest of his life. I really can relate to your story here.

*Check3*Plot
The plot unfolded as I read, from the very beginning. You gave bits and pieces throughout of who was Daniel's father. The twist of fate with a book written long ago. How neat is that?

*Check3*Setting
A typical artist hidaway and your descriptive writing shows. Of course, you knew that. You are a very gifted writer.

*Star*
I have no suggestions here. It's as good as any classic I've ever read.{:smile}
I loved the letter that Daniel's father sent to him. It was my favorite part.

The father and son were connected their whole lives. Neither one had any inkling and neither did I. I loved the surprise and twist at the end.

*Check3*Closing
Thanks for sharing you story with me. I usually only review the types of stories that interest me.

Keep the ink flowing and write more stories like this. *Wink*

"Inker"

Janice Weinberger
http://writing.com/authors/janicew[/b}
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Review by Happy Spring
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Patricia!

My name is Jan*Smile* and I would like to give your my over-all impression on "Fiction Writing resources."

I was experiencing a writer's block this morning*Sad* and was wandering down the halls of Writers.com.. I found your Fiction Writing Resources. Wow! It was like shopping in a supermarket with everything at my fingertips!

You gave me a reference library and I don't even have to DUST THE BOOKS!! *Laugh*!!

While I'm trying to improve my writing skills, I seem to forget other important things. After reading a few topics, the light came on and the wheels started turning. With one click I can read and brush up on any given topic. You get "write" to the point, with no useless chatter in between. A great place to visit and learn something new along the way. I'm always up for that!

I've already marked you as one of "My Favorites" and I will visit here often! *Wink*
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Review by Happy Spring
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A very sad and heart-wrenching poem of a little girl, caught in this recent earthquake in haiti. You portray this little girl, lost in her own confustion, just as the pictures show on the news. Children most definitely feel this way, when something out of the norm happens, leaving them alone to question "why."

Your poem expesses many things. Confusion, abandonment, fear and death. The child questions God's reasoning. Knowing that she has been good, she wonders why she is left alone to suffer in the darkness. She wonders why the world that she happily once knew, has so suddenly deserted her. She is pinned, cold and hungry and pleads with God to save her. She wants to see light and have someone reach out to her.

I feel the important thing about this poem expresses that a child, knowing that she was good, just wants to grow up and be someone. She knows she's in a crowd of others in an unwanted tomb and doesn't understand why God has forsaken her. Your poem was actually her prayer to God.

I've been watching all of this tragedy and wonder the very same things. Thoughtfully and beautifully written with so much feeling.

Grammer and punctuation are fine. I do not write poems and cannot judge you. However, I do read what interests me and this certainly grabbed my attention..

Thank you for the read and keep the ink flowing!
Inker
90
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Review by Happy Spring
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
"The Illustrated Guide to Linking" is extremely helpful indeed! I spend my free Sunday morning time surfing WDC's site. This site can be a bit over-whelming, since it is so large.

I do like the support given throughout this site! I am one writer that needs visual aids and examples. This article does just that!

Thank you *Smile*
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Review of Lilies  
Review by Happy Spring
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Hi There!

My name is Jan and I thought that this was beautifully written and certainly moving.

Your descriptions of the wife was described in the most loving way. I did see her as a porcelain doll, as you so masterfully portrayed her.

Your detailed descriptions of everything left the reader with nothing to ponder.

You describe a very lonely man, trying to hang on to his memories of yesterday, when his life was the norm. As she becomes progressively worse, he becomes almost a robot, doing what he has to do to keep her from slipping further away. He understands all this and yet his present life is not so clear to him anymore, as you have described in your last sentence.

The paragraph I liked the best: "Plates are served under lunch. The process of eating, strained and unwieldy. I would create small pieces, “cut-up”, before her hands like ivory gripes clasped knife and fork and moved with the proclivity of a wind-up doll. We talked of family, war and crunch." Her previous and present state is skillfully written here!
You do have a way with words! *Smile*

Grammer and punctuation is excellent!

I really can't see any room for improvement here! A wonderful story and keep the ink flowing!

"Inker" *Wink*
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Review of Jamie's Rain  
Review by Happy Spring
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi,

I’m Jan... A member of the "WDC Power Raid Forum"

*Smile*I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about your story.

General Impressions

Over-all impression is very good. We wives and mothers can certainly identify with this story. It’s amazing how we juggle it all, isn’t it? *Wink*

Your portrayal of Sarah shows how we women can pick ourselves up and start again.

Favorite Parts:

“She’s not far from wrong, but I don’t tell her that. I don’t really want to tell anyone about Jack, my husband, though the pain of the memory of him has receded a little, like the ocean at low tide.” Your correlation here to her memory....Very nice! Showing and not telling here is good writing.

Jamie playing and stomping in the rain puddles.....Title is very fitting.

Characters: I like your “show” and not “tell” descriptions of Jamie (Red-haired and freckles).

Plot: Your portray a young woman, wife and mother who has been rejected by her all-knowing, cheating husband. She goes from confusion, running away and then acceptance of it all. She gets enough courage to come back again, stronger than ever and fights for herself and her son, Jamie.

Setting: The diner was a great setting for the beginning of your story. A waitress and one customer in a lonely diner is great place to bare one’s soul!

Dialog: Very good and keeps your story moving. You’re very descriptive, showing with action , rather than telling.

Grammar and Punctuation: Excellent

Suggestions: The time-line is confusing to me. It goes from present to past, which I could follow. The letter to her parents left me wondering where was she then, when she had supposedly ran away in February. Also in the letter, she blames everyone, but not herself? Have I missed something here?

All in all, a wonderful story and keep the ink flowing!
“Inker”


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Review by Happy Spring
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Magoo,

Your poem was very funny indeed. You deserved the award and you certainly got the message across of raising children alone in this humorous poem lol

What I liked the best? The fourth stanza....Really, Magoo How funny (and truthful) is that? Oh, if only these past deserting lovers, leaving their women to raise their children alone could read this poem. So much wisdom here to show they refuse to face up to their responsibility.They really are too "chicken" to do so.

Ps. Loved the last line....lol

Very nice and keep the ink flowing....Inker
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Review by Happy Spring
Rated: E | (4.5)
I think this chapter is well-written with good dialogue between this mother and daughter. Ashley does try and has love for Leah, even though she is searching for her own real mother. I have adopted a child and I can understand a lot of her feelings. She as at the age when her own mother gave her up, thinking that her mother had never cared at all.

Your story is believable and very realistic in the way you have approached the struggle that Ashley finds herself in. She is torn between a mother that she knows and really loves and a mother who she never knew and wants to find and love. She is constantly dealing with guilt, her looks and even her self-worth. She is at war with herself and at odds with these two women in her life.

Your spelling and grammer are good....one place to check though. here... "didn’t have to be completely confined to that insufferable house." Should it read "this house?" Just a suggestion here, of course, meaning it was in the present tense.

You have a believable character here as Ashley. She is a typical teenager with her "spats" with her mom, rules, etc.
I know you portray Ashley has plain, but I do not have a good picture of her without a description. Of course, I haven't read Chapter 1...Do you describe her appearance and characteristics there?

Your story flows nicely and carrys the reader easily through to the end. Very nicely done! Welcome to WDC and keep the ink flowing!

Inker
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Review of BURIED ALIVE  
Review by Happy Spring
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
So true and so beautiful. Your poem is full of wisdom and gives us the guidance that no matter what, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. God will be there no matter how far we are buried under. Thanks, Country Mom. Very inspirational!
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Review by Happy Spring
Rated: E | (4.5)
Romantic and sweetly done with the old-time rustic setting. Very descriptive of the times and dialogue. It was an easy read from beginning to end and your story flowed smoothly.

I knew that somehow Lizzie and her box luncheon would be set up some how. Discovering it was her father was a surprise of sorts. He granted his daughter's wish of not wanting to be a farmer's wife. After meeting Richard,Lizzie changed her tune on settling down, even if he was a former bounty hunter. Her parents didn't mind that either and went to great lengths to make sure he picked her box dinner. Lizzie was still being controlled by the small town rules, even if she wasn't aware of it, because of her infatuation with Richard.

Diaglogue kept the story moving and kept the story on a very light note. Spelling and grammar were fine, of course.
Is this part of a continuing story? I really didn't expect it to end so suddenly. It was like the beginning of a saga and the romance that triggered between the two were like the romantic tales of long ago. I expected something more to focus on though, other than just the romantic side of it.

I enjoyed your story very much. All in all, a very good read and keep the ink flowing!

"Inker"
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Review by Happy Spring
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Oh how I can identify with you, including your mom. Same here, sorry to say. My mom told me to quit the year she was dying herself. I didn't listen but I finally did. Not being able to breathe was the clincher. Climbing just a few steps knocked the wiind out of me.

One day, I had a very serious asthma attack (one year after quitting). If I had been smoking, I would have died, I was told by the medics. Ended up in the emergency room and that really convinced me. I used nicorette for a while and still do when I want a cigarette. My hubby still smokes and I never pick one up. Of course, he doesn't smoke in the house or car. I have asthma and COPD. I wished I had never started.

It's just not worth it and I can tell you that every day you don't smoke, the stronger you will become. You are NOT weak. Nicotine is a very strong addiction. They say it is as bad as cocaine. Picture your mom and that might help you. Breathe deep and relax, when things get bad. Take a walk and/or exercise. We just have to get rid of the excuses. There's never a good time, so just do it. You will be glad you did. Maybe not now, but later on.

Perhaps sharing this with another smoker who wants to quit can help you through the tuff times. Talking to your physician will also help.

I hear your "cry" and I truly, truly understand what you are going through. Non-smokers do not have an inkling.
You can do it, so hang in there. It's not easy, that is for sure. Everyday you try, you will be a hero to yourself and your children..

Congratulations on even wanting to quit and writing about it. A great read! Your grammar and spelling were fine. Your descriptions of the kids, the guilt, your mom.... are all told with true emotion. I love your conversations with yourself...Excellent!

Keep the ink flowing, thank you for the read and welcome to Writing.com

Ps. It's been ten years and the urge to smoke is gone (most of the time) :)
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Review of The Empty Bottle  
Review by Happy Spring
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
"The Empty Bottle" , a great title and fitting for your story. Your story said it all about your character. He was losing everything, including himself. He wasn't going to change, was he? I have a relative like him and that drew me in to reading your story.

Good description and your story flowed from one paragraph to the next. Spelling and grammar were correct, of course.

The only thing I would suggest is starting a couple of sentences without the word "He" and using another word. Your first three paragraphs started with "He" consecutively.
Example:
"He cracked open his beer bottle and took a lengthy first swig from its beveled edge."
Instead perhaps "Cracking open his bottle of beer, he took a lengthy first swig from its beveled edge." It didn't change the meaning at all and it becomes less repetitious. Read your story aloud and you might agree.

My suggestion is only meant to be constructive here, not meant to critize. I think it is a wonderful story and very well written. Welcome to WD, thanks for the great read and keep the ink flowing!

"Inker"
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Review of Help Us Help YOU!  
Review by Happy Spring
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I found your article very useful. I had no idea that I when I visit a site that maybe, just maybe they would link up by asking.
That's a great idea. Your sample e-mail would make it so much easier too. I've been on several writing sites and never thought of doing this. I am about to start my own site up again and of course, I will link up to Writing.Com.

What I have done is put my signature and url on all my e-mail. That gets the word out there also, as a lot of my friends have come and didn't even know I was a writer.

Your article was very informative and covered a lot of tips to get the word out. This site is the best one I have seen and I'm proud to be a member. I hope to be here for a very long time.

Thanks for sharing with us....Inker
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Review by Happy Spring
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Victoria,

I like your story and it WAS A FUN READ!

Below are a few corrections that you should be aware of.

"But, they didn't realize that night they would be marked for life." Back up one space between realize and that.

"That "manly charm" got you slapped last year, when Leslie caught you staring at Tiffany Money and you said you couldn't help it if your eyes roamed to where she was sitting, that it was her cheerleading outfit that made you stare."

A long sentence. Perhaps you can shorten this into two? Perhaps after "Tiffany Money"? Then start the next sentence with :You said you couldn't help........."

" "Would you like a blanet?" Insert the "k" in blanket. A typo is easily done. I've done it myself many times, especially if transferring it from a writing program.

I like the beginning, giving the reader some history of the two friends and what to expect.. Your story had a good plot. The dialogue kept your story moving and kept me, as the reader involved. It flowed nicely and the ending was cute. I liked the story.

My comments are only meant to be helpful....After all, we learn from our reviews!

Thanks for the read and keep the ink flowing!
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