Hi, Sarita!

This is Jan and I would like to return your favor with a Power Review!

Over-all Impression:
I think you have your story well planned and I as your reader couldn't wait to see what Catherine would write in her letter of deceit. Your ending was nicely executed.


What I liked the best about your story:
Her planning with her pen, knowing that she could win with her only and best weapon...Her pen.

Characters:
Catherine is filled with vindictiveness and she is bent on getting even.
She is filled with deceit. Is she having an affair with her neighbor's husband?
Not too sure, except she wants her out of the picture. You have built a very
believable character in Catherine.

Plot:
A letter that is filled with deceit to destroy a woman, pretending to be her
friend.

Setting and descriptives:
Very nice, down to the swishing of her skirt as she walks across the room.
You are good with descriptions and details.

Grammar, spelling, sentence structure, etc.
You have one spelling error that, if I may, point out:
"she must steel her heart and focus..." Change steel to steal.
This third paragraph has a very long, run-on sentence which needs to be broken
up. A suggestion, if I may? End with "more cunning than she." Start the next sentence here: "If she were to win this game, she must steal her
heart and focus her thoughts."

Also: You left out two words for: "The pen is mightier than the sword" is how it should read...The two nouns are preceded by "the". This was a good line to use
in your story and sealed the plot.
Please know that I only offer these suggestions as one writer to another. All of us want to be better and doing critiques for each other is the way to go.

My Personal Thoughts Here:
I think this was a great entry. If the contest is over, it now could be elongated
into a longer story. Or even use Catherine as a good strong character in another
story. She is cunning!


I came away knowing that this woman would very well get her way. ...Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to our WDC Group!

Inker
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}
I am a proud student of Horizon Academy and a member of the Showering Acts of Joy Group!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed."

Hi, Sarah Rae!

My name is Jan and I liked your story and the title.

Over-all Impression:
Your story moved me, with all the emotional impact of being a very stressed
and weary mother.

What I liked the best about your story:
As you stated: A glimpse into the daily routine of a mother, trying to be all things, including taking care of an infant and toddler.

What didn't work for me:
Nothing. I felt the whole story told of a mother who is very depressed and tired
of the everyday housewife and mother's world.

Characters:
A universal portrayal of an over worked mother. We've all been there, haven't we?

Plot:
Your story began with a mother's tears and stress. She must feed her baby, without waking her over-worked husband. She is a good mother and wife, but she
keeps questioning herself of why she is so tired. She felt she had accomplished
nothing throughout the day. Her newborn dictates to her the feedings, helping her toddler, etc. You stayed with the theme of your story to very end. There
is no climax here, for it is only a few hours away and then she will start all over again.

Setting and descriptives:
You are very descriptive and use "show, don't tell" in your way of writing.

Tense and POV:
I am sticking my neck out here: You keep your story in the present tense and the inner thoughts of this young mother, third person POV. I hope I am right on with this one, as I have trouble myself. If I am wrong please feel free to correct me!


Tone and Mood:
The overall tone and mood of your story is sad, but tired. Your story made
me feel the things that this mother is going through.

Grammar, spelling, sentence structure, etc.
Your sentencing flowed and your words created a softness to your story. I only found a few mistakes. I'm not trying to be "picky" but wanted to bring it to your attention, because your story deserves it.

So she wept, because these silent tears were here only release, day in and day out. "her" instead of "here"

"tuck her exhaustion away, and creep down that hall again." Here you don't need a comma after "away".

My Personal Thoughts Here:
A beautiful, understand story for all young mothers to read. They would definitely know they are not alone or forgotten.

My suggestions are meant only to be constructive. Feel free to use any or none. After all, this is your story.


I came away with a sad feeling, for it brought back many memories. However, I smile and know now, that during those youngers days I had achieved many important things. The love of a mother does not go unnoticed, especially from our children. Thanks for sharing your story! I truly did enjoyed it. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

Inker
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I am a proud student of Horizon Academy and also a WDC Power Reviewer!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed."

Hi Lena, !

This is Jan again. I came back to read "Redemption." I liked the title which fits your story.e:wink}

Over-all Impression:
A very sad story of a man seeking redemption from his dead wife, several years later. He wants to begin anew
but can't until he receives her blessing.

What I liked the best about your story:
The way you described his dead wife, Cherie. You made a strong second character with your descriptive writing. The
reader is convinced that she was as pure as he had finally come to realize.

What didn't work for me:
How he took his fist and beat her grave, just as he had done when she was living.I lost respect for him once more.
I just have a hard time believing she could forgive a man like that. On second thought, she wouldn't have been Cherie, would she? I guess it's me as a your reader. I would have had a hard time forgiving him. Most times, I find a person confesses his guilt so that he can feel better and be free. If she was still living, it would have been a wonderful thing. However, she isn't. She's the victim and she is dead. He can't go on with his life and Angela, until he feels fully forgiven. I guess years can change a person. Perhaps he has found God and knows he will see her in the after life. Did he have an epiphany after his fists beat on her grave? Was her love so unconditional...pure and simple. Does
he expect to be forgiven?

Your story makes me ask you these questions and that is a good thing!

Characters:
Great strong characters, including the narrator. Again, he has no name. Why? In the third paragraph, he finally starting speaking to her and this could have been a great place to insert his name. I know...It's not my story

Plot:
Your story had good rising and falling action, starting at the gravesite to the very end. Good job here

Setting and description:
Excellent. You have a great talent with your "show, don't tell" way of writing. You are destined to write great things.

Dialog, if any:
All good, with mostly inner dialog. It shows what kind of man, this person is. You only strengthened his character more
by doing this.

Grammar, spelling, sentence structure, etc.
Mostly good, but there are places that need a little work.
1)I feel the word "Singlehandedly." is too awkward to stand alone. Perhaps it should be at the end of the first paragraph. 2)"It was light yellow and dotted with lillies .. pure and beautiful, just like she had been." Drop the and between yellow and dotted. 3)"In the back of his mind, he wondered if it had been dirtied by bugs and mud that had found their way into her casket in the seven years he hadn't been strong enough to come and check on her." Sentence structure is too long here. Perhaps two sentences. Ending with word casket. Start with next sentence, "It had been seven years he hadn't come to check on her." Just a suggestion to have a smoother read. Read your sentences aloud. It they sound too long, they usually are. I am no grammar teacher for sure. I just recognize some things that are to clumsy in a sentence. Usually, over twenty words in a sentence is too long.
These are the main corrections, but there are a few more. Watch the "and, to and other small words. They tend to overload a sentence. When you drop these and read it back, you will find you don't need them. I hope I am making sense here?


My Personal Thoughts Here:
Wonderful and emotional story that tugs at the heart strings. I hope I wasn't too tough on you. I just know this could be a wonderful story with another rewrite.


My suggestions are meant only to be constructive. Feel free to use any or none. After all, this is your story.


I came away with a lot of emotion....Thanks for sharing your story! Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Inker

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I am a proud member of the WDC Power Reviewers,Showering Acts of Joy and a Student of Horizon Academy!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed."

Hi Lena!

My name is Jan and I saw your story, which was featured in my Monthly Newsletter for Authors. Congratulations!

The subject matter was about authors of the Young Adult Genre. It gave me a new outlook and it was interesting reading.
I liked your story and the title, which pulled me in.

Over-all Impression:

Written with a true author's hand and I congratulate you!

What I liked the best about your story:
Your subject matter about "hair". You use this to point out so many things that
teens experience with their peers.

e:check3}What didn't work for me:
Absolutely nothing!

Characters:
The narrator stayed true to her character. I feel you made her strong throughout your story. I felt the girl's
emotions and sadness. You stirred the senses here....Nice work!

Plot:
Because of the "hair", it was the turning
point in her life to either choose to become thin by volmiting. She felt she was pudgy, along
with other things that made her feel so inadequate. She knew if she became anorexic to lose weight
She would lose the most beautiful part of her (or so she thinks}. She chose to find the courage to deal with
everything else a different and better way. You carried your story out smoothly, from beginning to end.

Setting and descriptions:
Here you told your story with a lot of description, starting with the narrator's hair. The reader
could visualize her, even though she doesn't have a name. Many teens can identify with this girl.

Grammar, spelling, sentence structure, etc.
This is all good, with perhaps a comma here or there which was not needed.

My Personal Thoughts Here:
Very well-written and a pleasure to read. Your story is filled with emotion and encouragement.

My only suggestion if I may: {My suggestions are meant only to be constructive. Feel free to use any or none.) After all, this is your story. Perhaps if she had a name, the reader would feel even closer to your main character. I know there are dozens of girls out there that feel, in many ways, just like her. Most of the time they feel so alone. I feel they might identify with her even better.


As a young writer you are very creative and talented. I feel young adults would love to read your story and share the things that so many of you experience in your teen years. Thanks for sharing your story! I truly did enjoyed it. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Inker
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I am a proud member of the WDC Power Reviewers, Showering Acts of Joy and a Student of Horizon Academy!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed."

Hi, Arpita!

My name is Jan and I liked your story and your title fit your story.
I see the title as a window of the world. If we just look up or out, we may see this injustice, instead of closing our eyes or even our memories.

Over-all Impression:
So very sad! There are so many abused children in the world and many of us choose to ignore them, including our own mothers. I often wonder when these mothers choose to ignore these things, if it's for their own selfish reasons.


What I liked the best about your story:
The girl in the window, watched and heard the crying child and because of this, remembered her own pain.
This is where I wondered if she was going to do anything about it, after witnessing such a horrendous act!

What didn't work for me:
Nothing. It all worked for me, to the very end, when she dialed 911.

Things you might consider:
"The kid was still standing at the door…staring hard at it." I would suggest that you use "child" (as you have in other paragraphs of your story} instead of "kid" here.
It sounds more loving and less quipped.

Characters:
The main character, the girl in the window,(Amy Parker) sees everything and is reminded and haunted by her own childhood.
She realized that she must do something to protect this little girl. She was, after all, too much like herself as a child.

Plot:
You stayed on track with your plot from beginning to end.

Setting and descriptives:
Great setting and you are very descriptive in your story telling. You cause the reader to see and hear this horrible act. Good writing here

Dialog, if any:
Well done! You used it when it was important for your storyline and also made your story flow smoothly.

Grammar, spelling, sentence structure, etc.
Excellent!

My Personal Thoughts Here:
This was such a moving and sad story that is all too true in our society. These children can only be saved if people like Amy Parker stand up to these monsters.

A few Suggestions, if I may. {My suggestions are meant only to be constructive. Feel free to use any or none.) After all, this is your story.

I only found the word choice "kid" did not seem to belong in such a horrific and emotional story. This word choice seems out of place to me.


I came away with a sad feeling, but hopeful. Your character saw through the mother who displayed
love for all the neighbors to see, but in fact, was a monster. These children's stories must be told or they will
have no protection. We can't close our eyes and bury our heads in the sand. The horrible mothers of these poor children do just that.

Thanks for sharing your story! I truly did appreciate it. Please keep on writing because I know you are a fantastic writer!

Inker
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Hi, Piescripter!

My name is Jan. I read your story and I wanted to give you some of my thoughts.

Over-all Impression:
I was impatiently waiting with Rose, for her boyfriend to show up at her father's birthday party. It wasn't his fiftieth birthday and that is when my antennas stood up.

What didn't work for me:
After you established the woman called Rose, you referred to her throughout the rest of your story many times as, "the woman." The reader now knows her name is Rose and when you refer her to "the woman", your character becomes cold and distracting, lacking human warmth.

Things you might consider:
Perhaps telling or showing what kind of person Rose is, besides her impatience
throughout your story. Several times you mention "tapping her feet" and I feel
other characteristics could be added. This would make your story more interesting and round out your character better.

Characters:
You need to add more depth to your character, "Rose." So far, I only know she
wears a blue gown, her hair is auburn and her impatience is showing throughout.

Plot:
Your plot was on tract and you stayed with your theme. Good job here!

Setting and descriptives:
Very nice and described nicely. I can visualize this room which is used for
celebration.

Dialog, if any:
Good and I feel there could have been more to break the "waiting period." I felt it was too long of a time, without anything happening. This would keep your story more interesting. Perhaps with more conversation? Perhaps with an uncle asking her about her boyfriend? Just a suggestion here.

Grammar, spelling, sentence structure, etc.
Spelling was fine and so was your sentence structure. I found one mistake:

"She wore a gold necklace, and matching earrings gold earrings." Eliminate "earrings" which was mentioned twice in the same sentence.

My Personal Thoughts Here:
I feel there is more to tell through your characters, as they are family. This is a big night for Rose and just the family and friends are aware of this. The end held a nice surprise for her.

My suggestions are meant only to be constructive. Feel free to use any or none.) After all, this is your story.


I came away with a good feeling ...Her boyfriend does show up and the family gathering takes on a whole new meaning. Thanks for sharing your story! Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Inker
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed."

Hi,Our maniacks!

My name is Jan and I liked your story and the title, which pulled me in.

Over-all Impression:
Your character portrayal of a lonely housewife was excellent!

What I liked the best about your story:
"She resisted the urge to snatch the rug off and squeeze mustard all over his head. ...."This whole paragraph
was sadly funny. It emphasized the anger and sadness within your main character.

What didn't work for me:
Nothing. It was all good, starting with your opening line.

Characters:
Your two characters were strong and shown extremely well. She with her inner thoughts of regret with anger and her husband, the non-caring, chavanistic slob that he was.

Plot:
Your title of course, let the reader know the end of a marriage was coming. I liked the idea of her colored ship as
the symbol of her voyage to a new life. Nicely done and cleaver!

Setting and descriptives:
All good, right down to the appearance of her alcoholic husband. Yuck!

Dialog, if any:
Good and your use of it in the beginning of your story to pull the reader in.

Grammar, spelling, sentence structure, etc.
All good, except for one misspelled word: comission...correct spelling is: commission
Your vocabulary was excellent!

My Personal Thoughts Here:
Your burning of the coloring book, representing her past life that would be no more.

A few Suggestions, if I may. {My suggestions are meant only to be constructive. Feel free to use any or none.) After all, this is your story.
I have none...Your story was done well from start to finish!


I came away knowing this lonely woman finally took charge of her life ...Thanks for sharing your story! I truly did enjoyed it. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Inker
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed."

Hi,Whisper!

My name is Jan and I liked your story. Your title pulled me in.

Over-all Impression:
The story of two girls. One afraid to flower because of her background and the other not far behind her economically, but a coward to be as honest about her own. This "Silent Witness" agreed with Terry but never let her know because she was afraid to go against the grain of her classmates and lose popularity.

What I liked the best about your story:
You show the absolute meaness and selfishness that is displayed toward someone
less fortunate than ourselves. All for being the most popular, they would not let themselves feel compassion, including the teacher. A disgusting bunch of girls that can be found all across the country and in many schools. Terry actually was being bullied by students and teacher alike.

What didn't work for me:
It all worked for me. You told your story with a lot of honesty. This is the way it is when you encounter groups young adults such as this. There is always a person that is picked on and though there are others that see them as cruel, they almost never speak up. They take no risks as they want to be popular with their peers.

Characters:
Terry is a character that evokes sympathy from the reader. Her character is a strong one and you keep her that way, untl the end. She is afraid to blossom because her circumstances and classmates hold her back. Her teacher was even worse, because she was supposed to be the adult! You actually made me hate them!

Plot:
The story of a unfortunate girl living her dreams only in her mind. Her fears
kept her from becoming the person that she was quite capable of being. Her
classmates even new she was a better writer. How sad is that?

Setting and descriptions:
Very good and I saw no problems here. You kept your story moving with the actions
that occurred with poor Terry on a daily basis by her classmates.

Dialog, if any:
It was all good. You displayed your story's tone of meaness within this small society of selfish young women.

Grammar, spelling, sentence structure, etc.
I saw no problems here. It was all good.

My Personal Thoughts Here:
This story reminded me of my own school days. I remember the times when I was
perhaps not so understanding of a few classmates. I wasn't always the kindest
person that I could have been. At the risk of losing popularity, how many times
have we remained silent? The end was so sad and the realization that nothing was done to prevent such a tragedy.

A few Suggestions, if I may. {My suggestions are meant only to be constructive. Feel free to use any or none.) After all, this is your story.
I have no suggestions that could make your story better. You wrote on a timely
subject. Bullying is rampant in our schools, whether it is just plain ridiculing
someone or going to the extremes of physical abuse. Your story should be read in
all schools to help combat bullying.


I came away with a sad feeling because this story rings so true in our schools. As a society, are we doing enough? Thanks for sharing your story! Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Inker


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed."