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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jayelyn68
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59 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by August
Rated: 13+ | (1.5)
As I read through your piece, I found myself wondering where you were. The descriptions are not enough to help the reader see what you see. The sentences are poorly structured. There is punctuation where none is needed, and none where it is. You could take this one paragraph and turn into an entire page, if only you expand on your descriptions and explain (to the reader) what is going on inside your head as you see this scene.

i.e. As I walked down the market road, I could hear voices selling fish, jewels, and armor. They clamored, almost seeming to merge into one voice, but it mattered not. None of them were of any use to me.

The addition of simple words; properly placed; and proper punctuation can make all the difference in the world.

This seems like it could be a good tale, if only you allow the story out; unstilted.

Good luck.

This could be the start of a very interesting story, if only you allow
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Review of The Broken Tale  
Review by August
Rated: E | (2.5)
Personal Note: If you were still young enough to believe, then throw a fit over being told the truth, you wouldn't have been old to know how it feels to have alcohol splashed in your face. Perhaps your experiences in life, added to your accrued maturity, have managed to manipulate your memory.

Unfortunately, all parents lie to their children about one thing or another. Mine used to tell us we were having "little turkeys" for Thanksgiving, but they were chickens, because Mom didn't like turkey. And, yes, we were allowed to believe in the fables about Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, etc. All children have different levels of emotional tolerance. Apparently, yours was off the chart.

But...this is supposed to be a critique of your writing.

Other than some technical issues with punctuation and some words needing capitalization, I find that your sentences are coherent and proper.

Other than some
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Review of Ye Olde Diary  
Review by August
Rated: E | (2.5)
While the writer in me wants to scream "foul" to all the grammatical errors, I understand that (in writing in a diary) a person doesn't necessarily have the mind to worry about such niceties. Just as well, I noticed the word count at the bottom, and came to the conclusion that this was for a contest entry. Therefore, your word count has to be taken into the factoring as well.

That being said...

I enjoyed reading this piece, very much. Your character was easy to visualize, and his dilemmas were relatable to the times. Perhaps "batman" could have been capitalized, but of this I question myself as well, since the idea of "batman" didn't even exist in the era of your writing. Just as well, neither Felix (the cat), nor Tom and Jerry, had been conceived.

Writing always tends to work better when the terms, names, and phrases originate within the same time frame of the setting of the story. This being a diary, and one written by a soldier (or warrior, as you put it), perhaps one from a conflict that happened within Felix's, Batman's, and Tom and Jerry's generation would have been more fitting.

Thank you for sharing this piece.
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Review of Alone in Life  
Review by August
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your piece depicts the very image of someone alone, destitute, and hopeless; looking for a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Being walked out on, robbed of everything acquired during the relationship, and left alone to find your way can be one of the scariest things in the world. This prose paints that clear picture.

About the only criticism I could give is to advise that you check your punctuation.

Thank you for sharing your pain.

You are NOT alone.

Blessings to you.
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5
Review of A Tree  
Review by August
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a beautiful piece. It says, within its 8 simple lines, so much more than the sum of its characters. About the only criticism I could give it is that...when you had your male offspring...did you create a human child or a star?

Should be "son"...not "sun".

Thank you for sharing this piece.
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Review of Handy  
Review by August
Rated: E | (2.0)
While your handyman's son wasn't so handy, this story was; in that it gave me a chuckle. However, there are multiple structural errors in grammar and punctuation. These errors made it a bit of a difficult read.

It was a cute idea, the irony not missed, but I found myself having to back-track (several times) to understand the message; due to the technical errors. These problems are nothing that a bit of proof-reading and editing couldn't fix.

Keep up the good work
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Review of Poppy  
Review by August
Rated: E | (1.0)
It is an unfortunate thing that, in times like these, with imaginations flowing, we have so many people that make such simple grammatical errors. The idea of your story having to do with elves, and such, is a popular genre. However, when I begin to read a story that starts with errors in the first sentence, I have a difficult time continuing.

i.e. "There were too many mushrooms; Poppy couldn't see her way across Carters Way, the name of the large mushroom field between grandmother's house and her own."

"There were too many mushrooms;" This is sentence all to itself, and it should end in a period.

"....;Poppy couldn't see her way across Carters Way, the name of the large mushroom field between grandmother's house and her own." This is a sentence, separate of the first part, and should be written, "Poppy couldn't see her way across Carter's way; the name of the large mushroom field between Grandmother's house and her own."

Just as well, if you will take notice of my correction of a couple of your nouns, you will note that I perceived "Carters Way" as possessive. This calls for the use of an apostrophe. Also, if you want to use the smaller case g on "grandmother's", you should say that that the field is between HER grandmother's house and her own." Without the "her", before "grandmother's", this makes it "Grandmother's". This is because the word becomes a proper name, as it refers to what "Poppy" used as a name for this person.

I hope that this has helped.

Keep on trying.
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Review by August
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
There are so many people in the world that don't understand these simple truths. They think that the purpose of life is to make money, and that as long as they are making money, they are living. The even sadder truth, however, is the fact that they learned this behavior by example set by their parents.

This piece lays out the truth. I displays the facts. Yet, those that are taught in such a way will maintain their argument to the very end, because it is their belief, and some become violent when you attack their belief system.

I found your piece enlightening, informative, and honest.

It was an easy read, and concise enough to be easily understood.
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Review of Life or Death  
Review by August
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
There are times that the teetering act, on top of the fence, can go on for ages. This struggle is very clear within the phrasing of your prose. Back and forth, back and forth, we go. I'm glad you made the choice you did. Some of us tend to lean to the other side, and we wait for death to open up its arms.
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Review by August
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
About the only criticism I can think of, at this time, is that the first sentence (in the third "story") was a bit run on. Otherwise, all I can say is...Well done. These simple two sentence "stories" do cause the heart to pause, and the mind to fear.
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Review of NO ONE  
Review by August
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
The personal struggle to deal with your plight, every day, is clear as a bell. Just as well, it is easy to read between the lines and contrive all the things you DON'T say, as you have (so eloquently) expressed the things you DID say. It is not a difficult journey to understanding, especially for one who suffers some of the same issues. However, there are some criticisms that need to be expressed.

i.e. Two spaces are needed, after the period at the end of each sentence, to separate sentences.

Some periods need to be replaced with commas and/or semicolons, but a bit of proof reading would help you find those places.

"I can am afraid" needs to be edited to become "I am afraid".

And finally....just as a personal observation...Perhaps "It never felt so good" would read better than "It never felt too good".

I enjoyed reading your piece, and I will look forward to finding more.

Thank you for sharing.
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Review by August
Rated: E | (4.0)
Unfortunately, as we grow older, the rainbows do seem to fade away. They disappear into something that "used to be". However, that isn't because they are actually gone, but rather because we find less and less time to seek them out.

This piece, I find, depicts that idea very well. For, as we grow older, don't hope, love, and life fade as well?

Reality, heartbreak, and daily struggles drain each of these things from within, and we don't really notice until we recall the rainbow, which symbolizes the bright look in a child's eyes. The eyes that see everything as new and fascinating. The eyes that closed, a little at a time, as life happened upon us all.
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Review by August
Rated: E | (3.5)
"If only it were true," says my stomach to my mind.

This interview puts me in mind of something futuristic. I'm not sure why, but I can picture the characters sitting in a sterile office, surrounded by windows, and being exposed to a view of tall buildings with hover-cars passing by.

This is an interesting point of view, and it keeps the reader intrigued. It does, however, need a bit of proof-reading.

i.e. "...my food get go into..."
"go" should be going

"I am not sure; because I have trained...."
This semicolon is not necessary. The sentence would flow, simply, if written without this punctuation. Just as well, it would read easier if 2 separate sentences were formed. "I am not sure. I have trained...."

Other such corrections need to be made, but they would be simple to take care of with a little bit of attention.
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Review of Why is she .....?  
Review by August
Rated: E | (1.0)
The best criticism I can give you is....edit, edit, edit. This piece needs proof reading. It needs the opening sentence to make sense. It needs grammar check. It needs spell check. It needs proper punctuation. It needs, it needs, it needs. Once these things are applied, following along with the emotion of the piece, it would be beautiful.
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Review of My Master Calls  
Review by August
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
They say that dreams are the windows to the soul. Just as well, I believe that music is the bridge between heaven and earth. Most lyrics are simply poems put into a melody. This one would make a good chorus, if only the verses would reveal their selves. Keep dreaming.
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Review of God is My Hero  
Review by August
Rated: E | (5.0)
Lisa...I don't normally read much poetry. It's just not my "thing", I suppose. However, just like the title of the movie, "God's Not Dead", caught my eye and made me HAVE to go and see that movie, your title, "God Is My Hero", snared my eye, and I found myself reading all the way through your piece within the span of a few heartbeats.

This work describes God's promise, His love, His grace, and His peace, so eloquently, and I enjoyed it immensely.

Thank you for sharing.
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Review of Disgusting Love  
Review by August
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very descriptive and imaginable....LMAO

Thank you
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Review of Jake  
Review by August
Rated: E | (3.0)
While the idea of a boy, and his dog, is an adorable relationship to portray in a story, and you tale is endearing, there are many technical errors in the telling. Any dog lover would be touched by this piece, but any editor would cringe in the reading. Your punctuation is horrid, your sentence structure is poor, and the grammar leaves much to be desired.

Re-read your work, read it while paying close attention to the punctuation, and imagine how this story would sound if it were to be told orally.

Are the pauses in the right places?

Is this a complete sentence?

Did I run two, or more, sentences together?

I see the quotes at the end of the line, but where are the ones at the beginning?

Exactly where does this quote begin?

These are only some of the questions you need to ask yourself when working up a piece. More will come in time, and you'll be writing a cohesive tale that's enjoyable to read.

Otherwise, the characters were believable, and Jake was awesome. One could almost cry at the end.

Keep writing.
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Review by August
Rated: E | (5.0)
When I click the "Read & Review" link, I click on it until I see something that catches my eye. I read the first line or two, to see if it is something I'll be interested in. Then, depending on my determination of my ability to stay focused (having severe ADHD stemming from my Asperger's), I scroll down to see how long the piece is. On average, a piece that seems to be 1-2 pages long is the most I can do, when reading on a computer screen. (Hand held books are a different story) When a story looks to be longer than that, I go back to the top, and read a bit more to see if I will be able to get through. If not, I click the link, again, and look for something else. In the case of your story, however, there was no more clicking, until I had made it all the way through.

While a bit more could be used, in the way of scene description, character development, and editing, it turned into something that I, thoroughly, enjoyed reading. "Trick", and Kendra, were easy enough to understand, and their interactions were believable. Their situation draws one to desire reaching the end of the tale in order to find out what happened to them.

Although I was unable to envision the story, I was able to feel the characters, and that's not, altogether, a bad thing.
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Review by August
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
I find myself of two minds about this piece.

On the first hand, in the area of critiquing writing style, grammar, and accuracy, I feel the need to tell you that it needs a lot of work. You are missing words, there are others that are misspelled, your capitalization is off, the punctuation needs work, and you use incorrect forms of words.

On the flip side of this...

You are a teenager, and that is a rough time to go through with, or without, a mother. I can understand your anger at God, but it is misplaced. I can sympathize with your pain, but it has its place in your life. You were given this role, in life, for a reason, and God would not have given you this situation to deal with if it weren't to work within His purpose. You need to turn to Him, ask Him for guidance, and bask in the warmth of His love. Only those things will help you through this.

I know that seems impossible, at this juncture in your life, and that as a teenager you are a bit blinded to this truth. However, in time, it will come.

I pray only the best for your future.
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Review by August
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
I, unfortunately, could not get past your first paragraph without irritation and frustration. Your grammar needs work, and your work needs editing. You fluctuate between past, and present, tenses. You omit much needed words. Examples from that first paragraph are...

"He shook his head and recalled that he need to defeat Bill again." "need" should be needed.

"Mark stands and staggered in front of the pub gate." Which is it? Mark stands and staggers, or Mark stood and staggered?

"Bill ignores him while talked to the client." Again, is it ignores and talks, or ignored and talked? Just as well, this is missing a much needed word of "he". i.e. Bill ignored him while HE talked to the client.

You may have a good story in your head. It may even become a best seller. But, not if you can't even put the tale into print using proper English.

I don't mean to be so harsh but, having been employed as an English teacher, this is nothing less than the same criticism I would give to one of my students.

Read, re-read, proof, and edit.
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Review of forever  
Review by August
Rated: E | (2.0)
At first appearance, I would have to say that there are many things that could be criticized in this writing.

Technically, there are numerous errors. Improper capitalization, poor sentence structure, and bad grammar are at the top of the list. Proper proof reading would be advisable if you were looking to have this published. However, I doubt that that is your goal. If it were, you would not have committed this for public viewing.

Upon further contemplation, if one takes the time to note all these issues, one would come to realize that this is not a piece meant for publication, but rather a simple release of the ramblings of your mind. In this light, it is easier to not be as harsh. I did note, as well, that, in the issue of improper capitalization, you failed to capitalize "I". This tendency is constant through the piece, and I find myself wondering if that was a simple issue of not realizing you needed to capitalize the word according to rules of writing, your not caring to put out the effort to hit the shift button, or a symbol of humility. God, after all, is always capitalized, and He is All. We are nothing. Therefore, even after so long in this world, should we put ourselves on the same level with Him in our writing, rules or no rules?

Or....am I overthinking the issue?

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Review of The Black Rider  
Review by August
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
While I found several areas, in the technicalities of this piece, that could use a bit of editing, I found it easy to correct (in my reading) in order to follow the flow of your thought. The descriptions of the main character make him easy to picture, and the scene simple to imagine. Your phrasing makes it possible for the reader to be able to see what you were seeing when you imagined the event, and be pulled along with the story from "shot to shot".

As in many of these contests, I assume that the number of words were limited. Therefore, it's easy to see why a bit was overlooked in the area of expanding your descriptions of certain elements. Yet, these omissions could also be considered a benefit, to your efforts, as it allows the reader to fill in some of the blanks with his/her own idea of what this setting should look like. This makes for a more enjoyable experience in the mind's eye.

I do have to confess, though, that the actual background of the main character came as a surprise. In the beginning, one would think him an outlaw. Yet, at the end, it is plain to see that he is a heart-broken man putting his wife's attackers out of his misery; bringing about a semblance of peace-of-mind that matters are being settled, and the score evened according to the "laws of the west".
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Review by August
Rated: E | (1.0)
Although the genre of science-fiction is quick to pick up in the description of the child, and the dilemma he is born into is one that would captivate the interest of many, the typos and grammatical errors (in this short sample) make it difficult to read.

i.e.

"....leaving his skin a slight tint of blue and pointed ears."
"Nomader" as opposed to No matter
"Every child was from the prison was led down..."

These are only a few, of the several, points that I noticed.

I understand that many people use voice to text, but that app would not make these kind of errors. Therefore, it leads one to believe that they were done by hand. If you have difficulty with these issues, but you have an incredible story, in you head, just itching to get out, word programs with spell and grammar check come in very handy.

Even dreams can come to life it you feed them the proper fuel.
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Review of Remember Them All  
Review by August
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
World War II was a living hell, and should never be forgotten. All the poor, innocent, souls that were tortured and killed, during that time, were nothing but a waste. For a man to hate his own origins; so much; that he feels the desire to eradicate them from the face of the Earth, speaks volumes.

Your comparison of the compassion of an American ideal, to the description of Hitler's reign, paints a clear picture of the differences in philosophy. It allows one to realize the opposing concepts of (if you will) good and evil, love and hate, selflessness and selfishness. It, also, causes one to take a bit of an internal inventory; per se; as to which of these examples they identify with the most. Unfortunately, though, in this world today, I'm afraid there are too many that would choose to eliminate their opponents rather than embrace them.

Maybe more needs to be done to remind them of where that kind of attitude can lead.

Never forget, but try to forgive. He is long dead, now, as are those that served him.

God Bless
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