GrueSum1's (jim-d) Reviews

Review Requests: ON

3,379 Public Reviews Given

3,427 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.

I'm good at...

I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).

Favorite Genres

Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense

Least Favorite Genres

Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.

Favorite Item Types

Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.

Least Favorite Item Types

I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.

I will not review...

I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.

1

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#4838653

Review of Runaway

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey Amethyst SkellyBones Angel

,

I found this on read and review and thought I;d drop for a review!

You've written a nice, touching story that deals with homeless people, as well as reuniting those who are lost (in some way). I enjoyed reading it, but it did seem a little 'shallow'. What I mean by that is that you didn't delve that deep into your characters, and had a plot that didn't seem quite real. Here's my reasoning for saying that.

1. For a young girl of 5 or 6, Alice talked more like a teenager or grownup than a 5 year old. I could be way off saying that, but that's how it seemed to me.

2. I felt that when Joey told Alice that he is her father, it was rather abrupt, he was very blunt about it. That should have been a more gentle approach. Then again, with Joey living on the street, he might not have known any other way. I still think he would not be so up front and accepting of it. (BTW, I knew Joey was Alice's father early on, still..... )

Those statements are not meant to sound like I'm picking your story apart, they are minor things I noticed is all. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4838531

Review of Active Imagination

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hey Than Pence

.

I found this on read and review, so I thought I should drop by.

This is a decently scary story, it reminds me of The Twilight Zone in a way. Not a particular episode, but to me it is Twilight Zone-esque.

You had me going when his mother woke with Ladybugs all over her legs, and her husband's face covered in them. It didn't bother me, but it made the story. But, there's always that word, But.... I think the segue to that scene was a little abrupt. Should you choose to edit your story, I think you could build this a little more, after this line. She was thankful that he was a creative boy, but she hoped he would loosen his hold on the Pillow Pet sooner rather than later: home-schooling was not something she wanted to always be doing. Maybe something like "She decided to take matters into her own hands and steal Lawrence from her son.

Just a simple line, yet it lets a reader know that things are going to change in the story. A very good story, thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4838349

Review of 2. When Darkness Unhinges You.

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (3.0)

Hey brinas

,

I found this on read and review, thought I'd stop by to read this and maybe give you pointers (if needed) to improve this just a bit.

This is a interesting story, you have raised my curiosity some. In reading it thru, I felt it flowed pretty fast. A little too fast it seemed. Why? Details, those pesky details.

Your description of Cirtha was brief. Too brief with few details. You mention a fog haunting the city. A fog doesn't last very long, unless this fog was artificial, created by someone with power. That's my suspicion, but you don't mention that.

The story moved quickly from Morgana exiting the vehicle to to her meeting a man in a circle of ashes. I liked the dialog, but again, it was too brief and didn't build on the story plot. After telling the man who she was there to free, it moved to the Tribunal which was held in a roofless area. I liked your description of the Judge. The dialog between the Judge and Morgana was excellent, but it left me with questions, and seemed almost incomplete. Why? Because of the speed it moved at.

What is needed in your story, is this. Why does Morgana wish to earn the release of Kael? Why is he so important to her? That's the opening you need after Morgana enters the city. Then you can build the story based on that. Her meeting the man, why can only one be released, again, why Kael? The man in the circle doesn't seem important to the story as written, so tell the reader why he's there. Is he someone who filters those allowed to see the judge? Maybe like a Triage at an accident scene? Tell us!

You next shift to the roofless Tribunal. How did Morgana get there, or was it inside that circle? Without detailing more, that's what it needed throughout the story. You have it all in your head. A reader doesn't. So build it for us!

You wrote Silent black birds watched her from fallen electrical wires. If the lines were fallen, how were the birds sitting on them? It sounds like the wires were attached to a pole on one side, if on the ground, I can understand, if not, I have to wonder.

Thank you for sharing, it's an interesting story.

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4838289

Review of Silver

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey Kay Carter

,
I found this on Read & Review ans thought I'd stop by. Your poem speaks volumes to me. We were all there, and though I'm male, I too went through a stage like this.

I think my favorite part or line, was this line: Children and husband of your habits
bounce off the dull, unpolished silver.

Yeah, I can identify with Silver myself. I never thought I was that handsome, not in a Rock Hudson way. (Aging myself here.) Of course I wanted to be, everyone had their favorite star they wanted to be like, mine was Rock Hudson.

I did see one thing that jumped out at me in your poem.

1. You wrote She wasn’t good enough then. You did that a second time too. In doing this though, you shifted from first person POV, to third person POV. Why? In the previous verse, you wrote We all remember my skeletal hands, My says, 'First Person'. Then saying she, third person.

2. General Comment. You might want to center this on the page. Being a bit of a newbie, you can do this a couple of ways. Click the gear icon in the upper right corner and select Edit Item. A new window opens. Highlight the entire poem text, then above the text, click the Center Icon, the same one you see on almost any Word Processing program, like Microsoft Word. While you're editing this, add the title above the body of the poem. Use Bold Text for the title. This is all WritingML, WDC's Meta Language.

If you need any help editing this using that WritingML, ask me, I'll be happy to help,

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

5

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#4837791

Review of The History of Modern Medicine

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hey tombrown12

,
I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd give it a look. I found it to be interesting and caused me to do a little research into your statements.

What I saw as I read your article, was a lack of documentation. Please allow me to show you what I mean.

In your documentary, you state - After purchasing the German pharmaceutical company that produced war chemicals for Adolf Hitler, Rockefeller used his political influence to pressure Congress to declare natural healing modalities unscientific quackery. Rockefeller then took control of the American Medical Association and began offering large grants to top medical schools, requiring them to teach only his approved protocol. In a documentary, you need to provide a reference for statements like this. None was provided when I read it.

Why do you need to provide a reference for statements? Without documentation, any statement made becomes a 'he said, she said' type of thing. Proof must be provided. It doesn't have to be from a website, it can be from manuals or books that you've read. In providing a reference from a book, be sure to provide the chapter/page number, and quote it completely. You shouldn't paraphrase anything, otherwise it's not a valid reference. Allow me to provide an example of quoting a manual, but using exaggeration instead of actual facts. A Nuclear Submarine has a shaft horsepower of 175,000 SHP, and the shaft can turn at 500 rpm at full speed. Yeah, a nice statement that is completely false. If I added a reference, and changed the numbers so they are accurate, it could be true. I can't do that because that's Classified Information, but you get my point.

As I read this, I got the impression that this is a rant. It's almost a Vendetta against all things Rockefeller. When you write something like this, references are not something you provide if you want to, they are mandatory. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4837589

Review of Go Big or Go Home

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey nomlet

,

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page of members with more than 20 years on WDC and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 20^th WDC Anniversary!

For a Flash Fiction piece, you really built a vivid scene in my mind as I read this. I've never had a BMX bike, had no idea what certain moves are called. Now I know what a tail whip is, thank to you.

I think Kyle was very smart to not try the tail whip that day. I often wonder how many times something like that is attempted before a rider gets it down and can land it every time. I also wonder how many times the move is unsuccessful. My favorite part was when Kyle decided to attempt this another day.

I do have one suggestion for you about this, should you decide to edit this.

1. Place the title of this in the body of the work, centered on the page. Make the font bold also. I use a font size 4 in about all I do on WDC. It makes it easier for older eyes like mine to read. I would also make the title one font size larger than the body of the story, maybe 4.5, should you use font size 4 for the body of the story.

Sum1

WDC POWER RAIDER

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4837480

Review of When The Budgie Hits The Fan

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey onaya3

,

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 23^rd WDC Anniversary!

I will start by saying that I completely disagree with this article. Overall, I liked the article and respect your opinion. Why do I disagree with it? Because guns don't kill. Unless they get into the hands of those uneducated about them, or one who is very mad at something or someone. This, coming from a person who does not own a gun too.

What we need, IMHO, are mandatory classes on gun use and dangers. I think back to my 7th grade year. Y'know, dinosaur times, it was 1966-67. I knew nothing about sniffing glue or taking drugs, until we were forced to watch movies on the subject. You're probably laughing having read that 'sniffing glue' statement, I guess that was a thing well before my time. I have never used any drug that wasn't prescribed by a doctor. I was in the Navy for 20+ Years, on Submarines. In my field, if you failed a random 'pee test', you stood to lose almost half your pay, plus a reduction in pay grade. So I stayed away from that stuff. But I digress from your topic, Guns.

What I was getting at, is that there should be mandatory classes on the use of guns, and how dangerous they can be are in the wrong hands. This needs to begin early though. Plus, I'm sure it would be unpopular with parents. My point above was that I knew nothing about illegal drugs until I was educated on them. Today, guns are a completely different subject. I don't have an answer, but I have to disagree with your article.

Though I disagree with it, your wrote it decently well. There were a couple of places that you seemed to be ranting though, you need to be careful there. You also cited the Sun Herald in Washington DC about a curfew. If you provide a reference in your article, you need to provide a link to that article, and/or copy and paste from it, and provide a link to your reference. Otherwise it's your word against mine.

You mentioned getting rid of the guns in the second paragraph. How do you plan to get this done? Because I'll tell you what would happen. The 'honest' citizen might turn their weapons in, but what about those on the wrong side of the law? Next thing you know, they would be the only ones with guns... You can see where I'm' heading with this thought.

I do have a couple of comments/suggestions for you about it.

1. Place the title of your article in the middle of the page by using the {center} Command. In case you don't know, completely highlight the title, and click the center icon above your text. Alternatively, you can type {center} before the start of the title, then type {/center} at the end of the title. You should also put the title in bold text.

2. Why, do you ask, is it that this author makes her arrogant claim? This is worded a bit awkwardly it seems. If I may offer a small suggestion. Why is it that this author makes her arrogant claim? It just seems to read a little better if you ask me. You used this same type of wording at least twice in the first paragraph.

Sum1

WDC POWER RAIDER

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4837407

Review of How Giving Thanks Became a Holiday

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey Joy's busy haunting

,

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page of members with more than 20 years of membership and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 24^th WDC Anniversary!

You've written a very informative article about the early settlers in the New World. I've read a bit about this in the past, and was familiar with the name Chief Massasoit of the Wampanoag people. Sadly, the influx of settlers from Europe caused tension between Native American's and the new settlers. What I find the most sad, is that many, many treaties were written and agreed to by both sides. I'm sure you know which party broke every treaty, EVERY time. Yep, our Government. Each time, the reason for breaking it was different. When the Native American's warred against the settlers, it was to defend, and try to gain back, their Territory.

Well written, but I expected nothing less from you. My favorite part was the discussion of the first unofficial Thanksgiving of 1621. Yep, their feast was nothing like what various communities enjoy today. I would liked to have tasted any part of that feast. If I could time travel, that's one era I'd travel to.

The one thing I'd like to see you expand on, should you choose to edit this is:

1. I think the American people (in general) have a grave misunderstanding about Native American's. To American's, the Native American's were a bunch of savages who wanted nothing more than to kill White Men. They have little to no knowledge of why. While Hollywood usually shows them on horses, did you know that horses were not Native to the New World? Yep, the Spanish brought them over, I'm not sure when though. As a child, I remember reading a story about Native American's hunting Buffalo. A young boy wore a Buffalo skin with his head hidden in the skull of the hide. He rubbed against several animals, and when they became spooked by the hunters, he made sure to somehow direct them to run in the direction of a cliff. Of course the Buffalo ran over the cliff, killing themselves. The Buffalo were then skinned, and a lot of meat was then taken back to the tribe. I find that very interesting. Native American's gained horses through trade and escaped feral herds. Records show that they may have acquired them as early as the mid-1500's! So, I think if you this small paragraph, it might help readers understand Native American's' more.

The concept of friendship and diplomacy between the IndiansNative American's and the colonists, unfortunately, did not remain for very long. The rapid increase of the colonist population in New England led to tension and wars. I'd also change the word Indians to Native American's, the name used to describe them in today's world.

Sum1

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4837204

Review of Who is Super Sleuth? Part I

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey super sleuth

,

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page of members with more than 20 years of membership and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 21^st WDC Anniversary!

I loved reading your biography, I feel like I almost know you now! We're almost 10 years apart in age, but I grew up doing about the same things as you. I remember playing hide n seek, kickball, football/baseball/basketball (at the park, after we moved to a better neighborhood). We also played cards when indoors, monopoly, and so many more games. You were right in saying that you don't remember anyone being obese back then.

While reading this, I looked up several things. Your school (Saint Thomas Aquinas) is on the corner of 9th Street and 4th Avenue. I've been to Brooklyn on business, but I was in downtown Brooklyn, staying at the Hilton on Schermerhorn St. Barney & Cecil? I've seen little of their shows, I could still relate to the show.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beany_and_Cecil

Also, my father rolled his own cigarettes; like you, I've never smoked, despite spending 20 years in the Navy, serving on Submarines. When we lived in Milwaukee, my sister and I would roller skate around the basement singing Swanee River. To me, it's a little surprising how our lives, though about 5-7 years apart, were so similar.

Your discussion of life in your apartment, washing clothes and such made me pause for a moment. I've seen things like that on the TV, but never experienced them. However, when you talked about the wringer-washer, I could really relate. That's the only washing machine we had, and used it until I joined the Navy in 1972. Man, one of our chores was to wash my nieces diapers before going out to play. Like you, we had a clothesline to hang clothes on. Ours was just in the backyard, not between buildings. This was my favorite part because I could really relate to it.

Like I said, I loved your biography. However, I couldn't help but notice a few very minor things for you to consider, should you decide to edit this.

1. What I remember most about "Winky Dink and You", was the fact that you could participate at home with what was going on on the TV show. It seems that you need a comma after the first usage of on.

2. It definitely did a better job than my sister and I did, it also cut down on the drying time. You don't need the second usage of did.

3. After a while my father purchased a small red machine that rolled the cigarettes a lot faster then they could. Then should be than.

4. Frania and I looked forward to our parent's payday, it meant that we got paid too.
When mom gave us each our ten cent allowance we thought we were rich. It seems you hit the enter key (called a hard return) while typing this section of your biography. You should place a comma after allowance.

5. Although I loved to sing, I couldn,t carry a tune to save my life. You used a comma instead of an apostrophe in couldn't. If you had a Polish keyboard, this would be normal, believe it or not. Don't ask me how I know that.

Sum1

WDC POWER RAIDER

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

10

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4836769

Review of Jase and the Djinn

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey ridinghhood-p.boutilier

,

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page for highlighting members with more than 20 years on WDC, and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 20^th WDC Anniversary!

I loved your story! The idea that a djinn would live in a small necklace bottle was an excellent way of getting your idea across to a reader. Be Strong, Be Brave, Be Kind. Man, the world sure could use more of that, all around the world too!

I think my favorite part was at the end, when Jase learned to be exactly that, Strong, Brave, and Kind. You can't win every game, we all know that. You just have to try and be your best.

There was one thing I saw that you may consider, should you decide to edit this.

1. "First of all," said Gramma, IT is a he, and sometimes he grants wishes, but not always." She continued, "His name is Fred, he has green skin and purple dredlocks
and you may ask him today for the deepest wish in your heart." It seems there's either a 'hard return' after dredlocks, or you have too many spaces between the words, and the ol' WritingML got you.

Sum1

WDC POWER RAIDER

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

11

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4836761

Review of The Replacement

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey the last cicada

,

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page of members with more than 20 years of membership and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 24^th WDC Anniversary!

Your story is very good, though a bit odd. You don't say if you were word limited, nor did you say it was written as a contest entry. If it was written for a contest, with said contest linked below the story, that link is no longer valid.

For me, your story is missing the three parts all stories need. The Setup, the Confrontation, and the Resolution. For a story limited by the number of words, I don't believe the three things are necessarily valid. You opened the story with no buildup or introduction. It seemed to start in the middle of a larger/longer story. The end was abrupt, as if it ended in the middle of that longer story.

Having said all that, I really liked the premise of this story. A woman is going to confront her dead sister's former lover. The twist at the end was excellent, but it leaves me wondering. What was Eve up to? What did she intend to do with, or to, Adam? My mind just wandered around at the possibilities is all.

I did see one thing that you might consider, should you decide to edit this.

1. His voice though tender as fresh autumn leaves floating upon a smooth glassy lake tasted like foul, bitter ash upon my tongue. As I read this, I naturally paused after voice. It seems a comma should be placed after voice.

Sum1

WDC POWER RAIDER

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

12

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14 days may be credited.

#4836470

Review of Breakfast with Julie

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey Archie

.

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page of members with more that 20 years on WDC, and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 22^nd WDC Anniversary!

Your story is interesting in many ways. A man who does the unthinkable with his daughter, making love to her after this wife's death. I like the first part of your story a lot. Frank had idyllic life it seemed; He also had a lot of money to afford things, but you never said how he came into it. That's a good thing. I don't think a reader needs to know that in a short story.

But, your story didn't pull me in, I never felt involved it, never felt like it mattered if I finished it or not. That's not a good sign as you know. Why would I feel like that, when obviously others didn't? After all, it's has an average score of 4.5 stars from 20 reviewers so far. I guess that in my eyes, this read more like you were narrating this to me, instead of getting me involved in it.

Don't get me wrong please. I liked the story, I just didn't feel that pull that told me I had to read it through to the end. I think part of it was the dialog you used. It was obvious that Frank loved Julie far more than you first wrote about. It seemed that she reminded Frank of Martha a lot. I wonder if they would have still made love if Martha hadn't died. My guess is that they would have, but it would have been a lot uglier than what you described in your story.

I mentioned that your dialog didn't pull me in. I think it was the argument between Julie and Frank at the wedding reception. It just didn't seem realistic to me. The other thing that didn't seem to fit in the story, is the time on the clock. Your first mention of the clock was in the first paragraph, 10pm. The last mention of it was 12 hours later, in the fifth paragraph from the end. All short paragraphs too. I think you'd be better off not mentioning the time at all, don't keep track of it. Instead, generalize it, say something like, "By now it was very late, but Frank couldn't bring himself to head to bed.

I do have some specific comments for you.

1. Daddy wouldn't it be wonderful to have a patio surrounded by daffodils, and mums, and trees? With cool, green grass to look at while we ate breakfast?" You can see that the opening quotation marks are missing.

2. 0h, it was somber for a few weeks, but pain rarely endures. Your capital O appears to be a zero.

3. The house had been Martha's responsibility, repairs and odd chores were Frank's and the boy's, and the garden was, of course, Julie's. You named his son, Allen earlier, it seems you should use it here.

Thank you for allowing me to read this.

Sum1

WDC POWER RAIDER

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

13

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4836361

Review of The Beast of Blackbriar Swamp

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hey Detective

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd give it a shot. You've written a decent story here, but it needs a bit of editing TLC. The first thing I saw in the story, is that this is mainly telling the story. There is little to no showing. I would think this is not the first time you've heard that phrase.

Usually I recommend adding dialog; that doesn't seem possible here. What you might do, it have Eric talk to himself, this would be the dialog for you to use. The thing is, you want to pull the readers in, get them to feel involved the story. With proper wording in his thoughts, you could make this a little scarier.

Specific Comments:}

1. He hadn’t believed the townsfolk when they had told tales of the swamp being haunted. You don't need had in this sentence. It reads fine without it, plus it's a bit redundant it seems.

2. His horse panicked at the sound and Eric fought to call him. I think you meant to use calm in this line, not call.

3. He came to the fork in the swamp road quicker than he was expected. You should delete the word was from this sentence.

4. The branches of the trees seemed to reach for him as he rode. The branches caught his clothing and tore at it , causing rips and tears. This sentence could use a minor edit. If I may offer a suggestion. The branches of the trees seemed to reach for him as he rode, catching his clothing and tearing it.

5. It sloshed through the water under it. I'm not sure what you mean in using this line, or the one I highlighted. The road was the only thing that stood between. I think you got carried away with writing this, and left a word our here and there.

6. When it came towards him, he instinctively swung with his right had first which held the torch. It seems that had should be hand.

This is an interesting story, I feel it needs a bit of editing to really scare someone, and to make it more interesting. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

14

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4836188

Review of How Many Superheroes Does It Take?

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey T.S. Garp

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page of members with more than 20 years of WDC membership and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 22^nd WDC Anniversary!

This is hilarious!~ I loved the whole story of Superman and his inability to change a lightbulb. That's something I never considered That a superhero wouldn't be able to accomplish an everyday task. On that thought, imagine Spiderman changing a lightbulb, and the bulb gets stuck in his hand because of the webbing!

I loved the part where Superman used his laser vision to illuminate the bulb. I was a little surprised he didn't set the room on fire. Maybe his laser vision was weak enough due to his control that a fire was not possible.

I do have one suggestion for you about this though. Change the font size to 4. I use a font size 4 for everything here on WDC. It just makes reading something a bit easier, if you ask me. This review is font size 4, for example.

Sum1

WDC POWER RAIDER

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

15

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4835986

Review of The Faded Passport

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey ~LadyBee~

,

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page of members with more than 20 years of membership and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 24^th WDC Anniversary!

This is a very nice story, about a young girl who is collecting her Grandmother's things after her Grandmother had passed away. The really enjoyed it, especially when she found the box under the bed. The just about the exact spot I'd expect it to be.

There are to major things for you to consider, should you decide to edit this.

1. You never named your main character. You should tell a reader what her name is, perhaps in the very first line. I'll use the name Denise in my example. I've reworded it a little also. Denise walked into her Grandmother's bedroom. She could smell her Grandmother's scent everywhere in the room, a scent she remembered, one that she would never forget. By naming your character, a reader feels more involved with the story, they relate easier to what happens in your story. Think about this. I read this and tell another person about it. But in telling them, I say, "A young girl ... How old? I don't know, it wasn't provided. Anyway, this young girl is at her Grandmother's house gathering her Grandmother's belongings after she passed away." Or I could say, "Denise is a young girl in her early 20's who is at her Grandmother's house gathering her Grandmother's belongings after she passed away." Which sounds better to you?

2. The other thing I feel is a major 'issue' here, is that this is all tell, no show at all. I know you've heard this before, by naming your character and adding just a little bit of dialog, you pull a reader in, you involve them,

I do have a couple or specific comments about your story also.

1. The one person she could talk to about anything, who would listen, never judging. This sentence needs a very minor edit. The one person she could talk to about anything, who would listen and not judge.

2. The girl had never seen it before, but she could see how special it must have been to her Grandmother, by how worn it was, showing how often it had been handled. I don't think you need a comma after Grandmother in this line.

3. Sitting on the floor with her back against the bed, she opened the box, knowing she would soon discover special memories that had ment so much to the woman she loved. Ment should be meant.

4. When the girl opened her eyes, wiping her tears away, she looked down into the box and saw the last thing in it. In this line we have past tense (Opened), but also present tense (wiping). I believe that if you edited this briefly, it would read much smoother. When the girl opened her eyes, she wiped her tears away and looked into the box. She saw that just one thing was left in the box.

Sum1

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#4835780

Review of Chili By Candlelight

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey Sophyween

,

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page of members with more than 20 years of membership and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 23^rd WDC Anniversary!

Well, despite not feeling well today, you had me laughing at this! The explosion of chili all over the walls is almost as bad as us leaving Lasagna in the oven at my Captain's house overnight. Loved it!

The back and forth dialog/banter between Ray & Laura was natural. It really helped the story move. I loved when she confessed she was pregnant, been there, done that. She was very moody too, probably caused by the idea of telling Ray the news. Then ... the chili exploded. For them to think it was gunfire was pretty funny, and a little outlandish. Did they live in a neighborhood where that was a common, or maybe not so common, occurrence?

I kind of envisioned John Belushi from Animal House when Ray entered the kitchen. You know. Hands up, jumping and spinning as he jumped. It just made the story all the more funny.

There was only one line that made me pause. Not that it's a bad line, it just seemed a little off. They hadn’t planned on kids for at least three more years, and they were so careful, using every contraceptive device known to the modern world, which made spontaneity something of a challenge, that was for sure. It's not incorrect, it seemed a little 'off' is all. Typically a person would think, or say, that's for sure, not that was for sure. It's just something to think about, should you decide to edit this.

That sentence is a little bit of a run-on sentence also. If I may show you a suggestion. They hadn’t planned on having children for at least three more years, and they were so careful. They had used every contraceptive device known to the modern world, which made spontaneity something of a challenge, that's for sure. (I just dislike using the word kids at times.

Sum1

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#4835682

Review of The Sock Harvest

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey TheNoMonster

,

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page of members with more than 20 years on WDC and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 23^rd WDC Anniversary!

You have written a cute children's story, but a sock harvest? I had to smile at that idea. The idea of harvesting socks threw me for a moment, but it didn't stop me from enjoying the story.

I think my favorite part though, was the brother and sister working in the 'sock field' harvesting socks. Plus, I thought the idea of socks becoming over ripe and unraveling when that happened, to be an excellent touch!

There are a couple of things you might consider looking at, should you decide to edit this.

1. I think that this will look better if you center the title on the page. Very minor, but you want to display it as best you can. Just my opinion.

2. The two of them, brother and sister, edged to the next row and pulled at the socks that hung from the green vines, and these stayed true. Despite naming your characters Jeremy and Jessica, you call them brother and sister throughout. Use their names, instead of brother or sister. I say this because I felt reading brother or sister/sis so many times really detracted from my enjoyment in reading it.

Sum1

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#4835679

Review of Harry and Mr. Sho

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey Nanapockets

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page of members with more than 20 years of membership and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 20^th WDC Anniversary!

I liked this story, but it seems to be a bit shallow. Why do I say that? Because this is all 'tell', there's no 'show' in it whatsoever. Just in case you don't know; what do I mean by the words show, and tell? First, tell is what you wrote here. You didn't pull a reader in emotionally. I'll explain more in a minute. When you show something, a reader gets involved emotionally and wants, no, they NEED, to finish the story so they can learn what happens in it.

So how could you add a bit of show to your story? An easy way is to add dialog. If I may, allow me to show you an example from your story.

You wrote When Sho went to war his mother gave him a small brass bell. She thought the bell was good luck; so, she gave it to Sho to keep him safe. That's good, but it's all tell. I realize they would be speaking Japanese, we can't read that, so I'll type it in English. "Sho, you're going to battle, to fight the Americans. This bell brings good luck to whoever holds it. Keep this with you at all times. You'll see, you'll be lucky!" At the end of the story, Sho could present it to Harry and tell him that it will bring him good luck. You don't need a lot of dialog, but almost any amount will help your story.

I loved the idea of Harry and Sho becoming friends. Ask yourself this though. Could I have made this story 'deeper' by describing how Harry helped Sho? Of course! You could describe the scene around the camp Harry worked at, give us more details about Harry and Sho. Were they thin? What color was their hair? Was their hair curly ore straight? You don't have to devote a whole chapter or paragraph to get this done. When you first introduce each, tell us, oh wait, show us what they look like!

You've probably heard the old saying, 'The Devil's in the details. That's what your story needs. Details. The next thing you know, the story is no longer shallow.

Sum1

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#4835594

Review of My Life

for entry "What a day! (My very first short story.)"

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey Zaring

,

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page for members with more than 20 years of membership and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 22^nd WDC Anniversary!

Wow, you had quite the start to your day, didn't you? I certainly hope it got better as the day wore on.

I really liked the comedy you injected, even if it was unintentional. Locking everything in your car, the locksmith saying it would be hard to break into, and the fact that you had purchased an Electronic 'Key thing' (as you worded it), only to lock it in the car also.

I did see one small thing you might want to look at, should you choose to edit this.

1. Anyway...I ran register until about 9:00 when Justin came in Justin is my cashier, not that I “own” Justin, I just claim him, perhaps you would have to know Justin to understand the impact of that statement. You are missing a period in and Justin. As written, the sentence is a run-on sentence, and doesn't read correctly. To eliminate the run-on (lengthiness) of the sentence, replace the comma after him with a period.

Sum1

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20

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#4835294

Review of On A Not So Silent Night

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey Bobby Lou Stevenson

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page of members celebrating at least 20 years of membership, and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 23^rd WDC Anniversary!

I think most of us have wondered how Joseph took the news of Mary's pregnancy. Especially when she was still a virgin. I thought the part about Baby Jesus getting bloodshot eyes from drinking plain water was excellent.

You wrote this well, it's hard to find fault with any of it. There is one fact you might consider changing though. It's this line.

1. Wine is made by fermentation, it is not distilled. This line should be edited, should you decide to edit this. “Well, maybe our ‘miracle baby’ has a little distillery in his tummy.” My suggestion would be to change little distillery to little vineyard and winery.

2. The end was a little abrupt too, but not overly so.

3. I do wonder how Mary & Joseph knew that Baby Jesus was turning water into wine. I believe he did that only with a flask of water, he never changed water he drank into wine, in his body.

Sum1

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#4835176

Review of Royal Caribbean's Adventure of the Seas

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey Maryann

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page of members who have more than 20 years of membership and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 23^rd WDC Anniversary!

I've been on many cruises, but none with like this because they were all Submarines!

It does seem that you really enjoyed this cruise! You did many things, but I bet if we were on this cruise, we'd have done little, except sit on the deck and relax. That to me, is the definition of a vacation! Having said that, I bet we'd do quite a few things. Especially Trivia and Bingo.

You wrote this well, making the whole article very informative on what to do when taking a cruise. I think anyone considering a cruise vacation might want to read this. I doubt we'll cruise any time soon, not with the recent purchase of the van. I'd love to take one, but my interests lie in an Alaskan cruise, maybe even a Ferry Cruise. If I'm not mistaken, one can fer off and 'stay behind' to take in the sights of the local area, and catch the next ferry, possibly the next day. A our age (me 71, her 75), it can be difficult to walk far, like you did in Haiti.

In Haiti, you mentioned you could eat in a large eating area, but it was all ship food. There's nothing wrong with that, but I'd have preferred to dine on local food.

1. There were numerous places where it seemed you used a hard return in a paragraph. That, or it's just the ol' WDC spacing that caught you. A preview of the entry can help you see where this might occur. I think I saw 9-10 paragraphs where this happened.

2. Even before Crown and Anker members! Anker might be a term from the cruise line, I don't know. But usually, anker is spelled anchor.

A very informative memo about your experience that should help others considering taking a cruise.

Sum1

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#4834687

Review of Oh My Aching Back

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey a Sunflower in Texas

,

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page for members with more than 20 years on the site, and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 23^rd WDC Anniversary!

I can really relate to your back pain. I'm in the same boat.

This is well written for the most part, but a little editing TLC would help it become stronger. You painted a vivid picture of your life when you wrote this. Yep, Vacuuming, doing dishes, feeding the dogs, and doing just about anything that needs done results in an aching back. I'm with you there. Right now I'm scheduled for back surgery in about six weeks.

As much as I enjoyed this, it does have its flaws. My specific comments are:

1. But after my last steoid injection in the lower back, my pain management doctor indicated it is really the now time to go ahead with the surgery. You are missing an r in Steroid. The last part of this is poorly worded. If I may offer a suggestion. But after my last steroid injection in the lower back, my pain management doctor indicated it is really time to go ahead with the surgery.

23. And I did my best, every since day, to keep my back medicated for pain. Since should be single.

3. I look around, hating the mess, clutter, and outside dog dirt come in to live. I don't understand the last part of this sentence. Maybe this would be satisfactory for you. I look around and hate the mess, clutter, and outside dirt dragged in by the dog.

4. I need to perceive something other than back pin, then I'll be a happy 60 year old again. You are missing the a in pain.

This is a good essay, it just needs a little editing TLC.

Sum1

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#4834361

Review of A Narrow Escape.

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey The Sun SmilesOn Small Valley

,

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page of members who have been here at least 20 years, and thought I'd drop by. Happy Anniversary!

Fifty-Five word stories are quite a challenge if you ask me. You did well in writing this one!

This is well written, I really enjoyed that you didn't try to elaborate on things, then again, you couldn't really. Since the contest was over 15 years ago, have you ever considered lengthening it? Or maybe leaving this as it is, and edit it so it's much longer. It's worth a thought if you ask me.

If I have one question or comment about this, it concerns the idea of cutting the timer wire. Did you do any research to verify that would be the correct approach? Maybe cutting the wire would cause the timer to immediately hit Zero and explode. How did Steve know that wouldn't happen? Maybe instinctively? Or perhaps he knew bombs so well (from studying/attending classes) that he knew the timer wouldn't immediately move to zero.

If you decide to lengthen this, let readers know who placed the bomb, and why. Who knows, this could become a much longer story if you chose to go this route.

Sum1

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#4833682

Review of A Diatribe Against The Maddening World

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey 💙 Carly: Joan Watson

I found this on the read and review page. I don't often read non-rhyming poems, mainly because I find them hard to connect with. Yours, I really enjoyed.

So what exactly did I enjoy and like about this? The opposites you showed in each verse. Words or phrases that jumped at me were Paralyzing, Unable to Focus, Reconnect to your Inner Part, Vulnerable, and many more really. You showed a reader how this world can be faced, that each part alone is vulnerable, but combining or reconnecting overcomes and refocuses your concentration.

So I found things I liked, what about things I might not have liked? I mentioned earlier that I prefer rhyming poems. I still do. This could be written in a focused poem, but I sure wouldn't want to try. Besides, the prompt was pretty plain with it's instructions to write a non-rhyming poem, one that's a Diatribe. You did well. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4833293

Review of Idealism

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey Elby Wordsmith

,

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 21^st WDC Anniversary!

Your short monologue is short, very short. I will say that I loved it because I too am an idealist. The world is messed up, I think we can both agree on that. The problem is fixing it is beyond our capabilities. It's not that we can't, it's the obstacles we'd have to overcome. Y'know, things like Patriotism in America, as well as most any other country. Everyone, every country, feels their way is the only way. Yeah, right.

I have a couple of very minor recommendations for you though.

1. Change the font size to at least 4. This helps us older members read it easier. This review uses size 4 font.

2. Include the title in the main body of the monologue, centered on the screen.

3. in browsing your port and choosing this to review, I noticed it has a twin! Yep, this is "Idealism"

({item:23260032}). It's twin is "Idealism"

, ({item:2326031}). You might want to delete one, especially if you find yourself short on Portfolio space.

A very short monologue that needs formatting more than anything else.

Sum1

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