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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jimminycritic/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/3
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265 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Summer Recreation  
Review by Jimminycritic
In affiliation with Rockin' Reviewers - Award ...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Simply wonderful. You took this contest and made it work better than I thought it would. Great job! This was easy to read and had everything in it I was hoping would be in it. I was really looking for details which would add depth to the characters and you had them. Thanks for entering the contest! I am awarding you second place. You also had the secret name which was worth 1K for having it in your story. Sticktalker was the name I picked. Thanks again!
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Review of Hell  
Review by Jimminycritic
In affiliation with Rockin' Reviewers - Award ...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow! I am not sure exactly what is tormenting you, but I can feel your feelings coming through quite strongly. Personally, I don't care much for the rhyming aspects of poetry, and I think you would do better without the rhyme. I may be the minority in this, but it can't hurt to see how it would feel without, eh?

I read this poem and said this must be a marriage thing. The love and Hell thing gave it away. Thanks for sharing!
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Review by Jimminycritic
In affiliation with Rockin' Reviewers - Award ...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wonderful story! I am simply amazed at how good this story came out; especially since I know it was rushed to meet unexpected deadlines. I have read it several times in the hopes to find something I might improve upon, but I drew a blank. You did a great job writing this. There are some places where I wondered if it should have a comma after, but I decided that it might be better as is.

I really like how you led up to "Grandma's" demise with her knowing about it before anybody else did. That really made me think about it. Thanks for sharing! Keep up the great work!
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Review of The Anniversary  
Review by Jimminycritic
In affiliation with Rockin' Reviewers - Award ...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wonderful poem. I must give this a 4.5-star rating because of the quality of it, which is very good. I think there are a couple of things that might better the poem and I will include my thoughts on this shortly. Really, I was moved by this poem because of a soldier killed in a war unknown to me, but was made to believe because of the grieving widow. Heart wrenching, this one.

Okay. What I think could be improved is:

"She patted it as if it were his back"- 'were' should be 'was'

"medals of honor"- ‘Medals’ and ‘Honor’ should be capitalized

"Today however, marked"- comma after Today. =Today, however, marked...

"Twenty five” This would be better as "Twenty-five” using a hyphen


Thank you very much for sharing this. Keep up the excellent work!
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Review of Dry Leaves  
Review by Jimminycritic
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent! I can think of no way to improve this poem. I think it is perfect as is! For me, the fall implies a spring to come. I particularly like that you put a scent to the idea of a dying year. You have a lot of thought in such few words, it is amazing! I suppose that is how haiku's work. I think you have mastered this one. Great job writing! Thanks for sharing!
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Review by Jimminycritic
Rated: E | (4.5)
This really was a lot of work, I can tell. I believe this is a poem about simply starting a new day by laying fresh plans so that the full beauty may be realized. (5,7,5) perfect.
It is interesting that spark’ ling may refer to the Chinese elements which create all matter: ‘Ling’, to be more specific.
I noticed a typo, ‘thoughts’ instead of ‘thouoghts’
I might change the beginning to something more specific to me, such as: ‘Waking bright this day”
This took me a couple of reads to grasp the nature of the poem and its meaning to me and it was worth reading. Thank you for sharing. Keep up the good work!

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Review of Ken's Guest Book  
Review by Jimminycritic
Rated: E | (5.0)
You have done an awesome job with your guest book. I have to tell you- I once had a blog here on WDC and I made the comment wondering if anyone actually read these blogs and I was surprised suddenly with a slew of comments saying I had no idea. There are people who read nothing else but blogs here on WDC. I thought this worth sharing with you since I think you may just find some people who do nothing but guestbook’s! Thanks for sharing!

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Review of Father and Son  
Review by Jimminycritic
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
My thoughts as a reader:The picture really made the poem. I could really see what you were thinking as you wrote this. I did enjoy reading this.

My thoughts as a writer:I thought this was a simple poem and pretty much right to the point. The only thing I might change is the word "loves" to "owns" so "The baby owns them both". I think that might have a bit more impact. Owns is really more apt for a baby that size than owns.


Errors of grammar, spelling, and punctuation:I did not find any errors. Good job! Thanks for sharing!






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Review by Jimminycritic
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wonderful writing! I was drawn in and led by the hand until I could be made to see the point. I particularly enjoyed how you hinted that we are becoming the turkeys who are hunted, stuffed and eaten. You didn't use those words but that is what I envisioned.

For improvements, I would suggest bringing in some understanding of what the 'other' side might think. What do others think on the issue? Why do they think things are okay? I didn't want to give away your punch lines so I chose to be non-specific.

Thank you for sharing. I really enjoyed reading this. Keep up the good work!

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Review of They  
Review by Jimminycritic
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is written from the inside of a mother's head, I know it is. I believe that that is a scary place to be. From reading this I felt certain sadness. Mothers have so much to bear and so many ways to bear it. Really, I thought this poem to be unforgiving and that “Mothers” are 'blinded by devotion...pride...love" at least, that section hit home the hardest.

Nicely written. Thanks for sharing!
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Review by Jimminycritic
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was wonderful to read. I wish you best of luck on your journey. I hope your article gets around and a whole lot of people join in your quest for friendliness and less stress. Just in reading this I partake and take a look at my life and in my own way I am doing much the same. Thanks for sharing!

“I have noticed that far the first time in years” should be ‘for’ the first time…
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Review of Lost  
Review by Jimminycritic
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
As I read this I imagined a disheveled vampire deep within a candle lit brick basement staring intensely at a blank mirror. This may not be what you intended but that is what came to my mind. Did you mean millennium? Thank you for sharing! I enjoyed reading this.
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Review of My World  
Review by Jimminycritic
Rated: E | (4.5)
The shape of the poem reminds me of a person's head and shoulders and atop the head is a hat. So with "Things not seen" I imagine the hat being pulled down over the eyes so the world is gone from sight. What was lost, or never had, is made up in other ways of seeing and I believe the missing sight really isn't missing. Really, I wonder who is actually blind. Thanks for sharing!

For a title, I wonder if "Oversight" might be a good title.
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Review of Dare  
Review by Jimminycritic
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thanks for listing it as Shadorma form. It helped me put your poem into perspective. I believe this is a poem about life. We all carry a bit of darkness and a bit of light within us all. Not all of us really live life or even "Dare to enter" into the play.

I am glad you ended this one by calling me friend. Thanks for sharing!
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Review by Jimminycritic
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Definatly room to read into this. That someone knows all this stuff about a person is scary. Somehow there is a promise that things can be worked out, or just that there might be help just because this person was told to run. I think it might be a bit scarier if there was a way to say this person was on camera at the time. Or perhaps just "Leave. Now, I gotcha." Thanks for sharing!
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Review by Jimminycritic
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Wonderful! I particularly like the death by paper cut line. I generally don't care for rhyming too much but you made it work here. Good job!

I think I will have to watch out for these killer little birds. Course, I will also have to be careful not to mess with slow moving zoo owners! Thanks for sharing!
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Review of To Make You Mine  
Review by Jimminycritic
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is truly a terrifying poem. I really enjoyed the concept of it. I couldn't help but to imagine a female vampire practicing a sort of witchcraft in order to gain her next love/supper. I particularly like the reason behind the poem which was "To Make You Mine". Very nice!

I am not especially fond of rhyme because it is tends to break up the idea of the poem. (Eyes-tied, intertwine-mine, etcetera.) This is really a hard thing to make work but I don’t think you did too badly at it.

The fifth stanza you use the word 'apart' which implies a separation rather than to intertwine. I suggest using 'a part' instead of 'apart'.

My last suggestion is to limit your use of 'I', and 'Your', and 'My', and 'You', which begins each of your stanzas except for the first two. This I think will help the stanza's flow together better.
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Review of Elements of Style  
Review by Jimminycritic
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found you quite by accident. It was suggested that I read a book called, "Elements of Style" so I did a search here and found you. I was pretty quick at picking up on what this poem is about and I can honestly find no fault in it. From the third line on I found myself smiling and by the end I was openly laughing. I don't know how it gets better than that! Thanks for sharing!
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Review by Jimminycritic
Rated: E | (5.0)
You are awesome! Even with a life threatening disease, you find hope and remain in good spirits. I think you set the example that all of us should live our lives by. I am appreciative of the fact that you share your good will with me/all of us and I hope you continue to do so for a long time to come. Thank you!
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Review by Jimminycritic
Rated: E | (4.5)
I agree that good eating habits in our children are very important. I am often guilty of using junk food to re-enforce good behavior and though I am unlikely to change my own behavior I will be more conscience of it because of this article. Thanks! I particularly like your 'positive' ending. My only suggestion is to use sources to compliment your work, which, though not necessary, can improve the overall impact of your words. Thanks for sharing!
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Review of Love Pure  
Review by Jimminycritic
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed reading this. There is certainly a lot of room for interpretation. I am not exactly sure why but I envisioned this woman who lost her dad because she stabbed him with a knife and of course, killed him. This woman’s mother knows this and threatens to leave but can't. I am probably way off but that is what I read into it.

I would suggest finding ways to show attitude. Instead of asking the question, “When is life supposed to be great?" Maybe making it "My life is supposed to be great!"

I would also suggest breaking it up a bit so it doesn't read like a run on sentence. You definitely have something to say and I thank you for sharing. Keep writing!
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Review of The Time Belt  
Review by Jimminycritic
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a wonderful interactive story in which a great many already have had much fun in adding to it. I have something of a soft spot for the concept of time travel particularly since reading "Job- a comedy of Justice," by Robert A. Heinlein. Thanks for sharing!
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Review of For Sidnee...  
Review by Jimminycritic
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really enjoyed reading this. It evoked feelings that I could empathize with. The one thing I found a bit awkward was the mention of failing. True, it is valid but it leaves the basis of the poem which is praising yourself and your baby. Perhaps instead of 'failed' you can show a sepperation from expressing your feeling. Just a thought. Thanks for sharing and please keep writing!
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Review of Bravery  
Review by Jimminycritic
Rated: E | (5.0)
Truth is I have traveled in my dreams and saw for myself that the earth really is flat from that plane! So could it be the ancients were right all along? This is really a great picture. Thanks for sharing.
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Review of Lies  
Review by Jimminycritic
Rated: E | (4.5)
Blackened lips with blood nearly flowing through, then pearly whites-get the point? I got it. I won't see the lies. Thanks for sharing!
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