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My thoughts as a reader:The picture really made the poem. I could really see what you were thinking as you wrote this. I did enjoy reading this.
My thoughts as a writer:I thought this was a simple poem and pretty much right to the point. The only thing I might change is the word "loves" to "owns" so "The baby owns them both". I think that might have a bit more impact. Owns is really more apt for a baby that size than owns.
Errors of grammar, spelling, and punctuation:I did not find any errors. Good job! Thanks for sharing!
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Wonderful writing! I was drawn in and led by the hand until I could be made to see the point. I particularly enjoyed how you hinted that we are becoming the turkeys who are hunted, stuffed and eaten. You didn't use those words but that is what I envisioned.
For improvements, I would suggest bringing in some understanding of what the 'other' side might think. What do others think on the issue? Why do they think things are okay? I didn't want to give away your punch lines so I chose to be non-specific.
Thank you for sharing. I really enjoyed reading this. Keep up the good work!
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This is written from the inside of a mother's head, I know it is. I believe that that is a scary place to be. From reading this I felt certain sadness. Mothers have so much to bear and so many ways to bear it. Really, I thought this poem to be unforgiving and that “Mothers” are 'blinded by devotion...pride...love" at least, that section hit home the hardest.
This was wonderful to read. I wish you best of luck on your journey. I hope your article gets around and a whole lot of people join in your quest for friendliness and less stress. Just in reading this I partake and take a look at my life and in my own way I am doing much the same. Thanks for sharing!
“I have noticed that far the first time in years” should be ‘for’ the first time…
The shape of the poem reminds me of a person's head and shoulders and atop the head is a hat. So with "Things not seen" I imagine the hat being pulled down over the eyes so the world is gone from sight. What was lost, or never had, is made up in other ways of seeing and I believe the missing sight really isn't missing. Really, I wonder who is actually blind. Thanks for sharing!
For a title, I wonder if "Oversight" might be a good title.
Definatly room to read into this. That someone knows all this stuff about a person is scary. Somehow there is a promise that things can be worked out, or just that there might be help just because this person was told to run. I think it might be a bit scarier if there was a way to say this person was on camera at the time. Or perhaps just "Leave. Now, I gotcha." Thanks for sharing!
You have captured the true essence of love and horror. 'Heart-stopping fun' I think you said. Simply wonderful. I particularly love how you implied that life was a 'costume' of what we all are-dead. There is a deep, deep darkness within this poem. Thanks for sharing!
Wonderful! I particularly like the death by paper cut line. I generally don't care for rhyming too much but you made it work here. Good job!
I think I will have to watch out for these killer little birds. Course, I will also have to be careful not to mess with slow moving zoo owners! Thanks for sharing!
This is truly a terrifying poem. I really enjoyed the concept of it. I couldn't help but to imagine a female vampire practicing a sort of witchcraft in order to gain her next love/supper. I particularly like the reason behind the poem which was "To Make You Mine". Very nice!
I am not especially fond of rhyme because it is tends to break up the idea of the poem. (Eyes-tied, intertwine-mine, etcetera.) This is really a hard thing to make work but I don’t think you did too badly at it.
The fifth stanza you use the word 'apart' which implies a separation rather than to intertwine. I suggest using 'a part' instead of 'apart'.
My last suggestion is to limit your use of 'I', and 'Your', and 'My', and 'You', which begins each of your stanzas except for the first two. This I think will help the stanza's flow together better.
You are awesome! Even with a life threatening disease, you find hope and remain in good spirits. I think you set the example that all of us should live our lives by. I am appreciative of the fact that you share your good will with me/all of us and I hope you continue to do so for a long time to come. Thank you!
I agree that good eating habits in our children are very important. I am often guilty of using junk food to re-enforce good behavior and though I am unlikely to change my own behavior I will be more conscience of it because of this article. Thanks! I particularly like your 'positive' ending. My only suggestion is to use sources to compliment your work, which, though not necessary, can improve the overall impact of your words. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed reading this. There is certainly a lot of room for interpretation. I am not exactly sure why but I envisioned this woman who lost her dad because she stabbed him with a knife and of course, killed him. This woman’s mother knows this and threatens to leave but can't. I am probably way off but that is what I read into it.
I would suggest finding ways to show attitude. Instead of asking the question, “When is life supposed to be great?" Maybe making it "My life is supposed to be great!"
I would also suggest breaking it up a bit so it doesn't read like a run on sentence. You definitely have something to say and I thank you for sharing. Keep writing!
This is a wonderful interactive story in which a great many already have had much fun in adding to it. I have something of a soft spot for the concept of time travel particularly since reading "Job- a comedy of Justice," by Robert A. Heinlein. Thanks for sharing!
I really enjoyed reading this. It evoked feelings that I could empathize with. The one thing I found a bit awkward was the mention of failing. True, it is valid but it leaves the basis of the poem which is praising yourself and your baby. Perhaps instead of 'failed' you can show a sepperation from expressing your feeling. Just a thought. Thanks for sharing and please keep writing!
Truth is I have traveled in my dreams and saw for myself that the earth really is flat from that plane! So could it be the ancients were right all along? This is really a great picture. Thanks for sharing.
As I read this I imagined each hat which described a part of your life being covered by a slightly larger hat. After all of your hats I had your cartoon character you would wish to draw! I can find no fault in your writing except for the hats you would wish to wear aren't hats you have worn, and that really isn't a fault in the poem. I think your work is amazing and I hope you wear your hats well! Thank you for sharing!
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