*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/joanne4eva
Review Requests: OFF
3,533 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to review using a format that I can comment on plot, characters, setting, atmosphere and dialogue. I also try to point out typos/errors and that sort of thing. This style may change depending on the item!
I'm good at...
I'm better with fiction than anything else. I might be able to have a go at poetry but please don't expect too much!
Favorite Genres
Horror, dark, suspense, thriller, mystery. However, I'm open minded and will read most genres.
Favorite Item Types
Statics - fiction.
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
1
1
Review of Jesse  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading* Initial hook and title: Hey Kiya, it's been a while since I visited your port and I saw this when I was looking for something to read. It was the description that drew me in and the hint at history and story telling.

*Pencil* Storyline: This is a really powerful short story. A young woman watches on as the town is quiet, awaiting the verdict of a crime. He is guilty and they must watch an innocent boy suffer...

Honestly, this was really powerful reading. You set the scene really well throughout, giving the reader not only a glimpse of the main character as everything is seen through her eyes, but also of the town. We see the barbaric nature of the death, the killing, as the boy is not just killing for a crime he did not commit but tortured for the pleasure of those that watch.

And the very ending of the piece, finding out the true history behind all of this, really hit home for me.

*Hourglass* Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well and moved at a good pace throughout.

*Person* POV and tense: This is told from the point of view of a woman who watches it all happening as she tries to forget it all. Her viewpoint is clearly heard throughout.

*Mountainsb* Setting: This is set in 1916 and I think you've captured the atmosphere of the time well throughout just in thought and snippets of words.



*Cut**Paste*Line by line suggestions:




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of The Nøkkensong  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently! I was looking for something to read in the horror section when I came across this.


*Reading* Initial hook and title: The title really drew me in on this one. It was something different and had me wanting to find out what it was.

*Pencil* Storyline: I have to say I wasn't sure what to expect but I enjoyed this. It comes across as a dark folk tale, a myth really, and one that I enjoyed reading. Adeline is the fairest girl in the village and she could have anyone to wed that she chooses. When she comes across a man near her fishing pond that she hasn't seen before, they sing together and then make a wager for the next day. Adeline thinks she is being cunning by setting a trap in order to alter the wager the next day, but it turns out the man wasn't who he said he was at all.

*Hourglass* Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well and moved at a good pace throughout, taking the reader through the story at a good time.

*Person* POV and tense: This was written in third person and for me, had a very distinct fairytale feel to it.

*Woman**Man* Characters: Fraulein Adeline is a fifteen year old girl who is loved by all, and too much by some. She comes across as a little self-centred and knows that she is admired. However, I don't think this makes her unlikeable. She's cunning and quite friendly but she is willing to take what she wants.

Dreogan is a young man who is a suitor for her. He's good looking however, he bends to Adeline's will.

Daegal is the man she finds at the pond. He is dark and dangerous but Adeline plays him at his game and this time, she loses. It shows that not everyone is how they look.

*Mountainsb* Setting: This is set in a small village and centres mainly around the fishing hole that Adeline uses. The description is good and shows the reader what the place looks like.

*Ghost* Atmosphere and tone: This piece is fun and light in places but quickly becomes quite dark. It's a good balance and it's well done.

*Thought2* Dialogue: There's quite a lot of dialogue in this piece. I found that it was fun and witty in a lot of places, particularly between Adeline and Daegal. In others in shows just how much power Adeline holds because of her beauty and talent.


*Cut**Paste*{dropnote:"Line by line suggestions:"}

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear and any comments will be in orange*Smile*

*BulletG*Relaxed against the cool air and breathing easy breaths, she let her eyes fall closed.
*BulletG*Relaxed against the cool air and inhaling easy breaths, she let her eyes fall closed.
Just a little change will avoid the repetition.

*BulletB*Her skin lay pale
*BulletB*Her skin was pale
For me, the word 'lay' in this context doesn't really work. I'd suggest changing it to something else.

*BulletR* I am afraid I have had a small rasp in my voice since yesterday, and that if I do not rest my voice it my grow worse instead of better.
*BulletR* I am afraid I have had a small rasp in my voice since yesterday, and that if I do not rest my voice it may grow worse instead of better.
I think this was just a typo.

*BulletV*Now, I believe it went like this- “
*BulletV*Now, I believe it went like this-"
The quotation marks are the opening ones rather than the closing ones.

*Bullet*You did no come into the village for the night,
*Bullet*You did not come into the village for the night,
Should this be 'not'?

*BulletG*Daegal emerged from its violent waters, crawling out onto the bank His
*BulletG*Daegal emerged from its violent waters, crawling out onto the bank. His
This just needs a full stop.





Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Meteora  
for entry "Foreword-Don't Stay
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


I wanted to come and leave a review for you since you did one for me. After browsing through your port, I came across this. I loved Meteora when it came out and I still do today. so it was easy to be drawn to this.

*Reading* Initial hook and title: This first and only story in the handbook is based on your interpretation of the first song, Don't Stay. I love the idea behind this because I love seeing how people interpret music.

*Pencil* Storyline: This follows the story of Vivian and Nick who were married for ten years but then separated following a deterioration in her mental health which he didn't support.

I have to be honest and say I was a little confused through this. Were they still together? Were they divorced? Separated? I think one thing that could do with being cleared up is how long they have spent apart. Vivian is trying to move on with her life, seeing a psychiatrist in order to help herself and living her life although it's hard at times, but sometimes the way she still talks about Nick makes it sound like it was very recent. I think clearing this up would give the reader some clarity.

*Hourglass* Pacing and flow: I think that the middle part of the story flows a little too quickly. We see her leaving the office of the psychiatrist, thinking about Nick then heading home. I think maybe if you have some more actions interspersed with her thoughts it might help a lot.

*Person* POV and tense: This was written from Vivian's point of view so we get to know just how she feels and how Nick has hurt her.

*Woman**Man* Characters: There are two main characters here. We follow Vivian and see Nick through her eyes. What I think I wanted to know is why, near the end, did Nick suddenly show up? And again I think this goes back to the length of time they've been apart. I think this would have a big bearing on the story.

*Mountainsb* Setting: The setting changes throughout this story and while it's plot driven, I think it would benefit from some extra descriptive imagery. You mention it's snowing but how does that feel? What does it look like? Does she like it? Is it a built up area and therefore look dull and grey or is it more rural? Just a thought to add to this piece.

*Ghost* Atmosphere and tone: This is a sad piece about grief and moving on. I think it could do with a little work around the tone. If you really let the reader get into Vivian's mind, we would get to know her a lot better to understand the way she feels.

*Thought2* Dialogue: The dialogue between Vivian and Nick is good. I think it would be helpful if you read it out loud to see if that's how it would sound in a conversation.


*Mailv* General suggestions / A few parting comments...

I would suggest putting line breaks between each of the paragraphs as it makes it easier to read online.

*Cut**Paste*{dropnote:"Line by line suggestions:"}

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear and any comments will be in orange*Smile*

*BulletG*"Hmm..did you do something to make him upset then?" My psychiatrist was direct.

I'm not sure the psychiatrist would say this. It lays blame. I think maybe more of a neutral statement would be better.

*BulletB*"Nothing that I can remember. He was not the old Nick I fell in love with and I don't know how we ended up here. I mean, maybe I know but I just couldn't deal with it."
*BulletB*"Nothing that I can remember. He isn't the old Nick I fell in love with and I don't know how we ended up here. I mean, maybe I know but I just can't deal with it."
For me, this is mixing up the past and present and maybe where my confusion over their break up comes in. She is talking in the present but is reflecting on him.

*BulletR*The first snowflakes were levitated through the cold air and winter was on the threshold.
*BulletR*The first snowflakes levitated through the cold air and winter was on the threshold.
You don't need the word 'were' here.

*BulletV* As much as I couldn't recognize him anymore that much I couldn't recognize myself as well.
*BulletV* As much as I couldn't recognize him anymore neither could I recognize myself.
The wording here felt a little clunky. Maybe change it slightly to help the flow.

*Bullet*Maybe that's what happens to the couples who can't have children in the first few years after they're being married.
*Bullet*Maybe that's what happens to the couples who can't have children in the first few years after being married.
There's just an extra word here. Also, is this really what she thinks? I think they drifted apart. Can it really be blamed on being childless?

*BulletG*Vivien it's me, Nick. I know I'm not suppose to call you or anything but I really wanted to talk with you. Do you think it's possible to meet each other today at 5 p.m. in the cafe across your street?
*BulletG*Vivien it's me, Nick. I know I'm not supposed to call you or anything but I really wanted to talk. Can we meet later at the cafe across your street?
Here it might be worth reading the dialogue out loud to see how it sounds. To me this sounds a little too formal. Yes it might be awkward as he's leaving her a message but I don't think it would sound like this.


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading* Initial hook and title: Hi woody I'm here with a review as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest

*Pencil* Storyline: What an original piece! This journal entry is told from the point of view of Sam Dumpty, brother of Humpty. He shares with the journal his idea of the conspiracy of Humpty's death blaming it on a wild plot set up by the king and his soon to be bride, Sally. And the way I see it, makes a lot of sense. After all, why would an egg go and sit on a high wall so willingly?!

This is a fun and lighthearted piece that made me smile. Detective Sam Dumpty makes a plea into the case and decides that something is awry. I think I could actually see this as a longer piece if Sam does further digging in an attempt to expose the would-be murderer of Humpty. Might be worth considering it once the contest is over.

This piece flowed well and had a good, strong character voice full of his own mannerisms.



*Cut**Paste*I have no line by line suggestions to make!





Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of Nobody Loves Me  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading* Initial hook and title: Hey I'm here with a review of this piece as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest

*Pencil* Storyline: What a really great journal entry! This piece tells the experiences of a young, thirteen year old Angelina who next to her siblings, is considered a plain jane. Nothing she can do pleases her parents and the love they have for her brother and sister and never passed her way. She meets a boy in the same position as her and they form a friendship, happy to not be alone. They draw and sketch cartoons of their family, friends and teachers at school. One day when it goes missing they think they're in big trouble until one of their teachers realises its worth and the potential and tells them so.

This was a really interesting journal entry. It was well written and had me getting to know the character well, her fears and angst as well as her likes and dislikes without overloading me with information. It flows well and moves at a good pace and goes through a day in the life, which I really enjoyed.


*Cut**Paste*I have no line by line suggestions to make!



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of Beast of Chicago  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading* Initial hook and title: Hey I'm here as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest

*Pencil* Storyline: This was a journal entry written by H H Holmes who is a famous serial killer. He specialised in collecting insurance payouts from people in his house of torture.

This was a really interesting journal entry. I really enjoyed reading through it and I think you captured his mind really well. We saw the person as he was, his beliefs and opinions and it took the reader through his last night alive before facing the noose for his crimes. It was really good to see how you characterised him and showed him as being quite different from a 'normal' non-killing person and I think you captured it well to show his indifference.

I really enjoyed reading this entry. It flowed really well and flowed at a good pace.


*Cut**Paste*I have no line by line suggestions to make!





Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading* Initial hook and title: Hey I'm here with a review of this piece as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest

*Pencil* Storyline: This was a really well written journal entry. It flowed really well and gave the reader a good glimpse of the character. We saw that although a young man, he was certainly experienced and a good leader. When called out to a mission despite having a day off, he rallied his patrol and complied with orders.

This recollection is told with amazing detail and clarity of character throughout. He was serious but he also had a sense of humour which was good and it made me smile. Particularly the line I pointed out below! This is a guy I think I could get to know and like.

I do wonder if he kept any other journal entries... *Smile*

Thanks for sharing!



*Checkg* What I liked:

Haha I love this line! : (We call them oxy morons)


*Cut**Paste*Line by line suggestions:




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of AN EXTRA VIKING  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading* Initial hook and title: Hey I'm here with a review of this piece as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest

*Pencil* Storyline: This was an interesting journal entry about a mechanic whom, after a film company came to his boss looking for a fleet of vehicles, was cast as an extra Viking in the movie that was being shot. It was interesting to see how his day went and how different it all was for him.

I did find that I wanted to know more in terms of how he felt about it all. Was he excited? Did he get nervous? What was the bus ride like sitting next to all these wannabe vikings? Would he do it again?

I would also have liked to seen a comparison to his normal life. Did he prefer it? Would he be glad to finish? Would he enjoy returning to work as a mechanic or did he want something more?

Just a few thoughts!


*Mailv* General suggestions / A few parting comments...

I would suggest that you have spaces in between each of the paragraphs to make it a little easier to read.

*Cut**Paste*I have no line by line suggestions to make!


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of A Dark Art  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading* Initial hook and title: I'm here with a review of this piece as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest

*Pencil* Storyline: This journal entry is written by an artist. We don't know if they're male or female but we know they love photography and that they are a perfectionist. This journal entry hints at something macabre, outside of the normal bounds of art and I think it's dark and involves hurting other people to create the perfect moment and capture it.

This pieces flows well and moves at a good pace, giving the reader a good glimpse into the mind of someone with a dark penchant for art.


*Cut**Paste*I have no line by line suggestions to make!





Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of Papaw's Beginning  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

** Image ID #2039493 Unavailable **

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading* Initial hook and title: Hi Lisa I'm here with House Hightower for my second surprise review! It looks like this is a biographical piece about your grandad and what he means to you.

*Pencil* Storyline: This piece was an account of your grandad George William Stewart. It was told from your point of view and has a lot of fondness in there of him.

I have to admit that I found this quite difficult to read. I know it's a personal piece and that you intentionally had grammar and pronunciation mistakes in the story and that's fine, but I found that the actual narrative bounced around quite a lot. There was not a lot of logical order and this made it quite hard to follow. Perhaps there's a way to include both your memories of him and his stories but putting it into a more structured piece?

*Woman**Man* Characters: This is about your pawpaw and it's clear about the fondness you have both for him, his memories and stories. I can imagine you were very close to him and it was lovely to get to see him from your point of view.


*Ghost* Atmosphere and tone: Nostalgic and happy.


*Mailv* General suggestions / A few parting comments...

One other thing I would say is that perhaps having the piece left indented would help keep a structured form.


*Cut**Paste*Line by line suggestions:




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of The Genesis Poem  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

** Image ID #2039493 Unavailable **

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading* Initial hook and title: Hi Lisa! I'm here with a Surprise Review for you from House Hightower! Poetry isn't my strong point but I look forward to reading it.


*Checkg* What I liked:

This poem tells the story of the creation of the world as seen in the Bible. We see God creating the land, the animals and then man. Yet we also see the Devil waiting in the wing to put a stop to the goodness and create the first sin.

Although I'm not a religious person, I found this to be a good retelling of the story and it was good to recount it myself.

You write this in stanzas of four lines with an AA BB rhyming scheme. For the most part I found this worked, however, there were a couple of the rhymes that didn't sit well with me:

Created he birds, fowl, and every sort of animal

Along with the fish, the creeping thing, even the devil.

I don't think this fits as well as it could, although I understand the need to have both in. Perhaps there is another way to word it?

*Cut**Paste*Line by line suggestions:




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Gay Marriage  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

** Image ID #2039493 Unavailable **

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading* Initial hook and title: I'm back with another review from House Hightower! I see that your port has expanded a lot and there are a lot of new items for me to check out. This piece interested me because I think it's so important.

*Checkg* What I liked:

I always loved reading your essays! Your put your opinion across about gay marriage with a clear and concise argument. You base your piece around facts and things that have been said by politicians and religious people which I think works really well, and then you debunk everything!

You have a clear logic to your argument and drive the essay forward continually in order to express your opinion and you state this very clearly.

I really enjoyed reading this piece and getting your views on such a huge issue!



*Cut**Paste*I have no line by line suggestions to make!





Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of Dreams  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

** Image ID #2039493 Unavailable **

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading* Initial hook and title: Hi Grum I'm back with another ally review from House Hightower! As you know poetry isn't my strong point but when I saw this was about dreams, I couldn't resist. Dreams have been very potent for me recently.



*Checkg* What I liked:

This is a really strong piece and one I really enjoyed reading. You start off with a very lighthearted tone about dreams and how they bring us comfort and joy but soon as we realise we are growing up and life changes and can be cruel, dreams are there to soften the blow, something to fall back on and ease the passage of time almost.

I really enjoyed reading this piece. I think it flowed really well and moved at a good pace and through a good progression from light to dark. Thank you for sharing!



*Cut**Paste*I have no line by line suggestions to make!



Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of Equality  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

** Image ID #2039493 Unavailable **

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading* Initial hook and title: Hey Sapph, I'm here with a review of this piece as part of the Game of Thrones Raid! I know you write a lot of LGBT work and I was really looking forward to reading this. I have a feeling it's about gay marriage being made legal.

*Pencil* Storyline: This is a really well written story. Our main character gets up one morning and is facing all of the indecision, the concern and anxiety about a huge decision being made. He makes his way to the courts where his partner is waiting in apprehension too of the verdict. When it is announced the crowd goes wild!

*Hourglass* Pacing and flow: This piece flows well and moves at a good pace.

*Person* POV and tense: This is told in first person present tense which is great for really ramping up the tension.

*Woman**Man* Characters: There are two characters here, our main character and David. I have to say that at first I struggled with the MC gender. There's no real allusion to it and no names. While I suppose it doesn't matter it did pull me out of the story slightly. But I have to say you captured his character really well right from the beginning with the thoughts churning in his mind.

*Mountainsb* Setting: Most of this takes place at the court but it's the journey there too and you provide just the right amount of description.

*Ghost* Atmosphere and tone: Nervous, excitement, apprehension. You caught it all!

*Thought2* Dialogue: There isn't a lot of dialogue but what there is flows well.


*Cut**Paste*I have no line by line suggestions to make!




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review of The Rial truth  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

** Image ID #2039493 Unavailable **

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading* Initial hook and title: Hey Mumsy, I'm back with another review from House Hightower! I'm quite enjoyed perusing through your port hehe.

*Pencil* Storyline: I have to say it was the title of this piece that made me open it. I had no idea what to expect or if 'rial' was indeed supposed to be 'real' like I suspect.

This is a really interesting and lighthearted piece. A family member writes a letter to his aunt and uncle to explain why he misses the annual family party and ask for a lend of some money so he can go visit. Unfortunately he's turned down.

The way you write this piece is funny. It shows a lack of education and it made me giggle at the way some of the things were spelled. I did find myself wondering what the prompt was for this particular piece but I found it helpful that you included the link to the contest it was entered into (and one I haven't heard of until now!)

*Hourglass* Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well. It came across as a sort of stream of consciousness which I think was really well done for a letter.

*Person* POV and tense: This is written in first person which is perfect for a letter.

*Woman**Man* Characters: Goldy is the main character here. He comes across as rather dimwitted and probably a bit lazy too but he made me laugh so I'll let him off.

The reply note is interesting because it shows the reader how much he hasn't changed.

*Ghost* Atmosphere and tone: Lighthearted and fun.




*Cut**Paste*I have no line by line suggestions to make!




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review of The Carousel Ride  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

** Image ID #2039493 Unavailable **

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading* Initial hook and title: Hi Amy! I'm here with a review of this piece from House Hightower! It was the theme of this story that got me intrigued and wanting to read on.

*Pencil* Storyline: This is a short story about Anna who sneaks into the fairground one night to check out the right that has played in her memories for so long. She enjoys a short visit and the memories that come with it before stealing back into the night.

I like the story but I think it also has a lot of potential. I understand that it was written with a prompt in mind and more than likely a word count but now that the contest is over, perhaps you could go back to it.

*Hourglass* Pacing and flow: This piece flows well and moves at a good pace though I think slowing it down a little and adding a little more would really add to the feel of the piece.

*Person* POV and tense: This is told in third person point of view which works fine here.

*Woman**Man* Characters: Anna is the main character here. We know she's a little daring because she's not afraid to break into the amusement park at night to visit the carousel and enjoy all those memories associated with it. She is also quite nostalgic and maybe a little different in the way she wants to remember, but I like that about her.

I found that I really wanted to see how she was feeling as she was sneaking in at night, what her body was doing, what her thoughts were.

*Mountainsb* Setting: This takes place in the fairground which is obvious. I think even though it's night it might be good to show the reader other things that she sees like the silhouettes of the other rides.

*Ghost* Atmosphere and tone: Nostalgic.


*Checkg* What I liked:

I like this line, it gives a sense of mystery and adventure: 'Her objective loomed in the distance, shadow and promise across the dark expanse of pavement.'


*Cut**Paste*I have no line by line suggestions to make!





Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of Perpetual Hell  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

** Image ID #2039493 Unavailable **

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading* Initial hook and title: Hi Rhyanna I'm here for my third ally review from House Hightower. I have much enjoyed perusing your port and reading some of your items.

I chose this piece because of the title which really interested me but I was also intrigued to read a piece of fiction from you. I know this is a short piece but I am aware that such short stories are usually well crafted.


*Checkg* What I liked:

This is a 55 word story and it's told in a very vividly descriptive sort of way. It gives the reader a chance to not only understand the setting but the context of the piece.

As first I thought someone was being hurt, tortured maybe, held captive, but as I read on the true reality of the story showed itself. This is a piece about a woman with dementia. This was a really touching piece. I think you captured it so well and managed to personify the dementia. If I would do it, this is exactly how. You show the the reader how controlling the disease can be, how scared it makes people who have it and the sort of life they live.

I think you've done a fantastic job here and this piece, though short, really moved me.



*Cut**Paste*I have no line by line suggestions to make!




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of Fallen Sorrows  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

** Image ID #2039493 Unavailable **

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading* Initial hook and title: I'm back with another Ally review, Rhyanna

When I saw this one, I was reminded slightly of some of the prose I used to write and it drew me in. Especially as it was classified as dark.


*Checkg* What I liked:

This is a very short piece of prose with a lot packed into it. You classify this as dark and I would say I agree with you on that. It's a dark piece that comes from the dark recesses of thoughts. I can feel the rawness of this piece. It feels like it came out as a cacophony of thoughts and feelings and was an easy write.

I think the description you gave it works true to the piece also. It is certainly a piece of association and true to your mind. In some ways that makes it difficult for the reader to read and interpret as it's a very personal thing. Some of the words and the way its put together will mean altogether different things from one person to the next yet there feels as if there's a common thread of insecurity, emotional pain, depression.

This girl is lost in the darkness and I don't sometimes wonder if we are all this girl at some point.

I enjoyed reading this and the abstract nature of the prose. Thank you for sharing.


*Cut**Paste*Line by line suggestions:




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review of Why me?  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

** Image ID #2039493 Unavailable **

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading* Initial hook and title: Hey Lynda, you came to review me so I wanted to return the favour as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge. When I saw this piece it drew me in immediately although I wasn't sure what to expect.

*Pencil* Storyline: This is a very short piece about a boy who is being bullied by a group of girls. It's quite a raw piece and reads almost as if it's written in a diary or a letter or something similar. I think maybe you could change the classification from other to something like that as it may garner more readers that way.

It's sad to see that this young boy is experiencing bullying and at first it's a little shocking hearing it's by girls but I think you brought up and used a good and challenging subject because it does happen. I'm a girl and I was bullied by boys when I was at school so I think as well as being something for the readers here it will also serve to raise awareness of the issues.

One thing I did wonder is why he would hide in the girls' bathroom if the bullies are girls? Perhaps it would make more sense for him to hide in the boys bathroom as they couldn't come in there?

*Hourglass* Pacing and flow: This piece was quite short and I think should you wish, you could expand it. You could even turn it into a short story as such and take the reader through a beginning, middle and end.

*Person* POV and tense: This is told from Bert Hudson's point of view. He's a young boy who is being bullied. It works well being told from his PoV as it gives the reader a good sense of how things are for him and how he's handling it too.

*Woman**Man* Characters: Bert comes across as a young boy who is really quite gentle and sensitive. Also it seems that he's not very willing to talk about this to anyone because it's girls bullying him. I get the sense that he's a little embarrassed about it.

*Mountainsb* Setting: This takes place at school. I think it would be a good idea to give a little more description around the area to show the reader what it looks like and how he sees it.

*Ghost* Atmosphere and tone: This piece made me a little sad to think of how hurt and afraid he is of these girls and that nobody has noticed.



*Cut**Paste*I have no line by line suggestions to make!




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

** Image ID #2039493 Unavailable **

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading* Initial hook and title: Hi Smee! I wanted to stop by and return the review you did for me, from House Hightower. This piece intrigued me and the title drew me in.

ps: I know it's a little off topic but where abouts in the UK are you? I'm in the North East.

*Pencil* Storyline: I have to say, this story has me hooked. It's written really well, rests at a good length and takes the reader through the start of an adventure.

Sej gets frustrated when he isn't able to write anything, the blank pages staring at him, and he smashes a bottle of ink. It looks a bit odd to him and he has to go and check it out finding that it isn't what he thinks at all.

I think you've left this at a good place too. He's in this new place not really knowing what's going on or what is going to happen and it makes me want to open the next chapter!

*Hourglass* Pacing and flow: This piece flows really well and moves at a good pace.

*Person* POV and tense: Its' written in third person point of view which gives a good scope for definition of the story.

*Woman**Man* Characters: Sej is the main character in this piece. He comes across as a middle aged man who's very frustrated with the fact that he can't write! IT seems that he's idealising a certain way to write and because it isn't working, he throws a fit as such. He's a little bit grumpy but so far likeable.

*Mountainsb* Setting: So far we see two settings, his office which you've described really well and the other world which is a lot of darkness and confusion. One thing I found myself wanting to know is when this is set. I'm guessing that as he has a quill and ink pot that it's some time ago.

*Ghost* Atmosphere and tone: There is a strong sense of the strange in this piece as well as adventure. I'm looking forward to the next bit!



*Checkg* What I liked:

'Once more he faced the defiant ranks of blank parchment in front of him.'

I like this line. It's great description and probably something most writers have faced!


*Cut**Paste*I have no line by line suggestions!




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

** Image ID #2039493 Unavailable **

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading* Initial hook and title: Hey you asked me to review this piece for you and here I am alongside the Games of Thrones Review Challenge for House Hightower!

*Pencil* Storyline: This tells the story of Bridget, the youngest of the twins who decides to follow her sister as she travelled to South Africa and went missing.


I like the idea of the plot line and think there is a lot of potential with it. One thing I would say is that I found myself kept at a distance from it. It was told in third person past tense which is fine, but it also meant she was remembering everything. I think one way to spruce this piece up would be to consider doing it in present tense, or at least some of it. You could maybe have flashbacks to the conversations with Claire or the day she went missing. It would give you a good chance to really show us Bridget's character too.

This chapter ends with Bridget in Africa and leaves off there.

*Hourglass* Pacing and flow: This piece moved along at quite a slow pace. There's a lot of narrative and remembering and not a lot of action. That's where my suggestion of making it present tense would really ramp it up and show it as it's happening, making it flow a little better and hopefully ramping up the tension too.

*Woman**Man* Characters: The story seems to follow Bridget as she envies her sister, begs her not to leave and then realises that Claire is the one who adds spice to her life. It seems that when her sister goes missing there's no other option but to follow her and try to find her.

So far I have to say that Bridget doesn't hook me as a character. She's tolerable but I do think you could really add a lot to her. It's fine that she's the quiet, shy twin. It happens. But I think we need to see more of her thoughts and feelings. Show the reader rather than telling them, what is going on for her. Rather than saying she feels envious or worried or that her life has turned upside down, show them. Have her falling apart at the seams, crying herself to sleep every night and pining over her twin.

*Mountainsb* Setting: The setting for this piece is South Africa in 1988. It all fits well together and we see different places at Bridget remembers. What I would say is that it would be good to show how she sees things, what things look like, how they feel etc.

*Ghost* Atmosphere and tone: I have to say this felt a little flat. I think you could really up the tension in this chapter. Her sister--her best friend-- has gone missing. Show some passion, some concern, some tears. I think we need normal reactions from her as a sister including grief and probably anger too. It would really add to the tone of the chapter.



*Mailv* General suggestions / A few parting comments...

One other thought I had is that this is quite a lot piece for one chapter. If you do add more and expand it, it would be worth splitting it up some perhaps into two parts in order to make it a little easier for the reader (particularly online reading which can be hard going).


*Cut**Paste*Line by line suggestions:




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading* Initial hook and title: Hey I was looking for something to read when this popped up. I like that you have the prompt at the beginning. Interesting title and description too.

*Pencil* Storyline: Sara is rudely awoken in the middle of the night to a phone call from her best friend who believes she is dead. When she assures her she's not she takes a look at the obituary and realises that someone of the same name of the same town has died and it was her photo that was used. I think this is a good starting point and it works well.

I have to admit I got a little lost as Greg, who I assume is her partner, then states the same. His funeral is planned too. And the plot thickens when they realise that this isn't the first occurence.

While I think the story works, I think it could use some expanding. It doesn't feel quite finished to me and I think it would be worth it. I like the premise.

*Hourglass* Pacing and flow: This piece flows well and moves at a good pace until it gets towards the end when I think it speeds up a little too much.

*Person* POV and tense: This is told in third person point of view which gives an all round view of the whole picture.

*Woman**Man* Characters: Sara and Gregg are the characters here. I assume they're a couple as they're living together. Perhaps some clarification would be good. I was also thinking that if they are a couple, surely they would know where the other is from?

*Mountainsb* Setting: This all takes place in their home. Maybe a little bit of description here and there would be good to show the place.

*Ghost* Atmosphere and tone: Confusion and a little bit of fear.



*Cut**Paste*Line by line suggestions:




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review of The Pretender.  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading* Initial hook and title: Hey I was looking for something to read when this popped up. Poetry isn't my strong point so please bear with me!

*Checkg* What I liked:

This is a short poem full of the darkness of despair. I think you captured the emotions in this so well in such a short space. It flows well and brings the reader in, leaving them wanting to know what is going on. It's almost like a letter to the person in question, asking why was this done. Calling the person out. It's quite personal and raw which I think works really well.

It's written in rhyming couplets. They flow well, all except the last one which doesn't seem to work as well for me. However, I know that you've also separated it from the main piece so I wonder if that was intentional.

Either way I enjoyed this read. Thank you for sharing.





Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading* Initial hook and title: I couldn't resist when I saw this! I love LoTR and want to see what your parody is *Smile*

*Pencil* Storyline: Ono, Hairy, Sippin and DamnFlies wait at the Prancing Phony for Randolph the wizard only to find he hasn't come for them. Instead, Hider looks after them, leading them into the wild and looking for clues while protecting the One Wing...

*Hourglass* Pacing and flow: Brilliant!

*Person* POV and tense: This is told in third person and works really well and keeps with the traditional story :)

*Woman**Man* Characters: I particularly liked DamnFlies who I felt was very well portrayed and such a scardey cat. Hider was fun too and you caught him down to a t/

*Mountainsb* Setting: This is set in the land of Robbiton (much like Hobbiton!)

*Ghost* Atmosphere and tone: Hilarious! I only really enjoyed reading this piece and have to say that I hope there are more.






Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading* Initial hook and title: When I saw the description of this piece I couldn't resist peeking in to read!

*Pencil* Storyline: Well can you imagine this actually happening! A woman attends a colleagues funeral only to end up talking to her on that very night and with a unusual request at that.

I think this was a really original idea and you carried it through well.


*Hourglass* Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well and moved at a good pace.

*Woman**Man* Characters: Charlie was the main character here, a woman who didn't particularly like the deceased yet it seemed that she was the one asked to perform the off request. I found myself wondering if Mariah wouldn't have chosen someone she liked a little better? Or perhaps she didn't like anyone or there were no friends or family there?

I also think I wanted to hear a little more about how it all made Charlie feel. Was she terrified? Perplexed?

*Mountainsb* Setting: This takes place at the funeral home. You manage to set the scene well through the dialogue.


*Thought2* Dialogue: This piece is written entirely in dialogue and I think you do it well. There are only two characters which makes it easier to follow and the two character voices are very distinct too.


*Mailv* General suggestions / A few parting comments...

In several places, you have Charlie continue to speak which is fine. What I would suggest is that you have a line break between the two paragraphs just for consistency.

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Image ID #1838833 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
1,264 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 51 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/joanne4eva