blue jellybaby's (joanne4eva) Reviews

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Friday, Apr. 26, 2024

12:40pm EDT

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You will love it," he said

mumbled I nodded going straight to bed not wanting to talk to this guy in the dark.

There should be a full stop after the word 'mumbled' as the next bit is the start of a new sentence.

mumbled. I nodded going straight to bed not wanting to talk to this guy in the dark.

"rise and shine." A unfamiliar voice spoke.

this needs a capital at the beginning of the speech and a comma at the end. The word 'a' should be 'an' as it's followed by a word started with a vowel.

"Rise and shine," an unfamiliar voice spoke.

A few parting comments...

Don't be discouraged by the rating of

because I think this piece has potential

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

178

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14 days may be credited.

#3941542

Review of On the Road

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey I was looking for something to read and when I saw this piece I had to stop by. It sounds apocalyptic to me and I love any stories like that, so here I am!

Storyline: I think you open this story with a good strong start and take the reader through a journey as Barron looks for help for his son who has a broken ankle in a zombie infested world. He does find help and they all end up getting rescued.

I think in some places, this piece is a little too fast paced and rushes past pieces of the narrative that could lend excellent description to this piece. For example, the end when they're all sitting on the roof. How do they all feel? What are their emotions? What can they see/smell/hear? What are Barron's last thoughts?

I mentioned about your writing and changing between present and past tense. I would take the time to re-read the story and decide which tense you prefer. For example, here you wrote:

Everyone felt so helpless up on the roof. The fact that the hungry corpses below us will never leave until we die was depressing to think about.

If you wanted it in the past tense it would be:

Everyone felt so helpless up on the roof. The fact that the hungry corpses below us would never leave until we died was depressing to think about.

Or in present tense:

Everyone feels so helpless up on the roof. The fact that the hungry corpses below us will never leave until we die was depressing to think about.

Characters: Barron comes across as a guy who is a father and husband trying to protect his family. He'll do whatever he can to keep them safe which I think is commendable.

Setting: This takes place in a post apocalyptic world. I think it would be an ideal time to let the reader know what it looks like. Is it a waste land? How long have the zombies been around? What is the comparison between the old world and the new world?

Atmosphere/tone: I think this piece definitely has a post apocalytpic feel to it but I think if you slow the narrative a little and give the reader more emotions and thoughts, there will be more tension in there too which would really help this piece.

Dialogue: With dialogue, each time a new person speaks it should go on a new, separate paragraph. It makes it easier for the reader to distinguish who is talking and makes the flow of the conversation easier to read. For example, you wrote:

"Anywhere you know of Barron." Asked Jed. "My family is holed up in a shack down this road" I said as I hear the moan of the dead. "Lead the way." Jed shouts out pointing down the road. "Follow me."

I would write:

"Anywhere you know of Barron?" asked Jed.

"My family is holed up in a shack down this road," I said as I hear the moan of the dead.

"Lead the way," Jed shouts out pointing down the road.

"Follow me."

What I liked:

A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

I left him with my wife his mom Sharla down the road in a rotted shack a ways back.

Here, because of the way this reads it needs comma. At first I thought it was a list of people but then I realised Sharla was his wife and the boy's mum.

I left him with my wife, his mom, Sharla, down the road in a rotted shack a ways back.

A buff looking man on the rooftop of Home Depot shoots three zombies giving me a clear path to him. His intentions are obvious he wants to help. I ran toward the store dodging and thrashing the rotting flesh.
I ran into the store and slowed to a walk wondering how I was going to get to the roof with the man.

In these sentences, you switch between present and past tense. I think it would be better for the story if you pick one and stick with it as it makes the flow of the piece a little easier for the reader. Present tense will give it more action but it's up to you.

"Hurry to the back at the emergency exit" the shouts nearly made me scream they were loud and filled with urgency.

Here you need to use a punctuation mark to end the speech, I'd suggest an exclamation mark to suggest urgency. Then the next line should start with an upper case letter and I think there should be a semi colon too.

"Hurry to the back at the emergency exit!" The shouts nearly made me scream; they were loud and filled with urgency.

We climbed fast so the undead wouldn't see us and wait forever at the bottom of the ladder the thought of that was depressing.

This should be two sentences as it's two separate subjects.

We climbed fast so the undead wouldn't see us and wait forever at the bottom of the ladder. The thought of that was depressing.

"Two the frightened boy squeaks out."

You just need the closing quotation mark here.

"Two," the frightened boy squeaks out."

"Hey mister thanks for saving my life back there, my name is Marcus." Sounded Marcus grateful of my actions in the fight.

I found the way you wrote the tag after the speech a little confusing. You could try something like:

"Hey, mister, thanks for saving my life back there, my name is Marcus," Marcus said, sounding grateful of my actions in the fight.

A few parting comments...

I know that I've given you

for this. That's not to say I didn't enjoy it because I think the story has potential, but at the minute I found the dialogue quite distracting and feel that the flow of it moves too quick for the story to really take hold of the reader. If you edit this piece and let me know I'd be glad to stop by and re-read it for you

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

179

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#3941238

Review of The Split Fare

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey, I was looking for something in the horror genre to read when I came across this piece. Both the title and the description intrigued me and so here I am

The first sentence, and paragraph, do well to intrigue the reader wondernig what happened to render this person terrified.

Storyline: This piece was certainly very dark indeed. It starts out normal enough, two people, or rather strangers, end up sharing a cab and enjoying small talk along the way. The narrator asks the woman about her baby at which point she goes into labour. Instead of going to the hospital, she directs him to an address where a midwife meets them. He's unsure what to do and waits outside until he is called in to assist and what he sees there and what happens next scar him for life.

I wasn't expecting such a dark and supernatural piece, but I really enjoyed reading it. It did leave me wondering why the woman was so specific about going to this address rather than the hospital. There must have been a reason but I'm not sure what it is.

Characters: the narrator (unamed) and the woman are the main characters in this story. I have to say I believe our main character to be very chivalrous. He helps out in a dire situation that a lot of people may have ran from and I commend him for that. I also don't blame him about having thoughts about running away, it must have been terrifying.

As I mentioned I was left with some questions about the woman such as why she wanted to go to that address, where her partner was, why she was doing this alone etc. It made me a little unsure of her as a character.

Setting: I get the impression this is set in history at some point though I'm not entirely sure when. I get this impression through the language used and the way the piece is narrated.

Atmosphere/tone: As I said this piece is indeed very dark and chilling.

Dialogue: The dialogue all works well and feels natural. I'd just point out that where a speech tag follows the dialogue, there needs to be a comma (or another punctuation mark) at the end.

A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

“Well, I certainly wish you all the best.” I said,

I think this should be a comma since it's a speech tag.

“Well, I certainly wish you all the best,” I said,

“But you need emergency care right away.” I said,

Just the same here.

“But you need emergency care right away,” I said,

“I have his legs” yelled the midwife.

Here you need some punctuation to end the speech. Perhaps an exclamation mark would be fitting.

“I have his legs!” yelled the midwife.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

180

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14 days may be credited.

#3941232

Review of Shadow Walker

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey Michael, I was looking for something to read when I spotted this piece. The title interested me and the description made me want to read on, so here I am!

Storyline: I think this is really quite a powerful piece. To me, it could be the start of a novel, the prologue almost setting the scene and allowing the reader to know the context before it truly begins. Will is the last Shadow Walker and here, as a written testament, he writes the story of the downfall of the defence with him being the last person to survive. It's an interesting piece and certainly very original.

One thing I'd say is that perhaps you could use more description in here. I realise this is written, but have the reader really feel his pain as he goes through the action of the story (what does he feel, hear, see, smell, touch?) and then the come down emotion of it, the aftermath.

Characters: will comes across as a very strong man, someone who is willing to do whatever it takes to survive and I like that. I think he's a likeable character.

Setting: This takes place in Runtmar. I know this is a fantasy piece and that it's a fictional place but even having the name in there gives it some context which works well.

Atmosphere/tone: There is a lot of action in this piece and it works well, but as I say it could be made a little better with a little more emphasis on his emotions etc.

Dialogue:

A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

My mentor Charles is dead.

This should have a comma either side of his name.

My mentor, Charles, is dead.

that we are....I suppose I should say were now...were the greatest warriors

Here rather than ellipsis, I think dashes would work a little better. It would look something like:

that we are—I suppose I should say were now—were the greatest warriors

I saw each the men struck down before my own eyes.

I think you need the word 'of' in here.

I saw each of the men struck down before my own eyes.

A few parting comments...

Just one thing that I would note is that when writing online, it's often easier for the reader if the paragraphs are split by line spaces between and there's no indentation. Just a thought though!

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

181

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14 days may be credited.

#3941227

Review of Down the Well

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey I was looking for something to read when I spotted this piece. The title interested me and the description made me want to read it and find out what it was all about.

Storyline: This wasn't quite what I expected but I enjoyed reading it. Molly is playing in the garden with Teddy, her imaginary friend. Everything is going well until he suggests that he comes to live with her at the bottom of the well.

Characters: Molly and Teddy are the two main characters here and I think for a short piece, they are characterised well enough and come across as completely different personalities which works well. Teddy, initially comes across as a nice guy, a friend, but it seems like he has a dark side and one that I'm glad Molly was able to say no to.

Setting: this takes place in Molly's garden where she's okaying.

Atmosphere/tone: This is a neat story and although a little dark, it works well for a children's story. It's not so dark as to be scary so that's well done

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

182

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14 days may be credited.

#3936642

Review of He Still Knows Her

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey Harry, I was looking for items about dementia when I spotted this. Poetry isn't my strong point but I wanted to read it anyway

What I liked:

This is a really sweet poem that tells the story of a man who still loves his wife and treats her to her daily breakfast in the nursing home despite the fact that she can't remember him. It's bitter sweet to see the love he has for her and knowing she doesn't recall it, or possibly him. The poem flows well and really captures the emotions felt by the husband.

Thanks you for sharing

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

183

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3936637

Review of My Father, the Child

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hety Kenzie, I was looking for items to read around the subject of Alzheimers and I spotted this.

What I liked:

Thank you for sharing this piece. It's a very personal part of your life and one that you've recorded and shared with the community. I really like that you show your recollections of your dad as a child, what he was to you, the things he did to make you laugh. It was sad to see the decline and the change in him, especially finding out how rapid it was that meant you weren't able to see him before it happened. I'm sorry you had to go through such an ordeal

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

184

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14 days may be credited.

#3936516

Review of December First Chapter Contest - CLOSED

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey I've had this item saved on my favourites list until I had time to stop by

What I liked:

I think this is a really great contest idea. The fact that you're promoting Nano and the people who took part and encouraging them to begin editing their novels is great. I think it's something that a lot of people will benefit from.

The page itself is well set out, it's simplistic but achieves what it needs to. It's aesthetically pleasing and I really like the image you have too. It's made very clear about the rules and prizes of the contest and I think that works well. It spurred me on to begin the editing process so I thank you for that

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

185

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14 days may be credited.

#3936164

Review of The Three Kinds of Rejection Letters

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey, I saw this in a recent newsletter and wanted to stop by and read

What I liked:

I'm glad I stopped by to read this piece. I think rejection letters are something that most of us will face if we choose to try and publish yet they are so dreaded. This kind of explains what the author might receive, what it means and how and if to respond. I think it's a valuable insight into the publishing industry and will be helpful to many authors out there. Thanks for sharing.

I have no suggstions to make!

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

186

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3936148

Review of Manger Feast

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey I wanted to come and return the review for me. Despite the fact that christmas is over now this piece still drew my attention, so here I am.

What I liked:

I'm not a particularly religious person so I have to be honest when I say that I really enjoyed reading this and it shocked me a little. It was nice to be brought back to the reasons behind Christmas and the celebrations we have. The poem itself is well written and takes the reader through the story of Jesus' birth and the manger that held him.

I really enjoyed this, thank you for sharing!

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

187

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3936138

Review of Trapped in Insanity: A Review 2013

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: I saw this piece pop up on my newsfeed list and I wanted to stop by and read it because I too am in a review of the past year and looking at the new one to come. I thought it was a blog entry at first and thought there would be a comment box at the bottom.

What I liked:

First, let me say that I'm sorry for your loss. Dealing with the loss of someone so close to you can be a difficult experience and in my experience, I tend to try and push myself back into life way too early. Perhaps you needed a little more time out for yourself to mourn. But, that said, I think you've dealt with this in a really proactive and positive way. You've looked at the past year and thought about why you didn't reach your goals and this year you are putting things in place to help you achieve those goals. I think that's a really great move forward as it breaks those often unmanageable tasks down into bitesize pieces and makes it a lot less daunting. My hat is off to you for managing to write that much daily! How long did you do that for? It's an amazing achievement regardless of the time length. I wish you all the best with this goal and really hope you can meet your goals for the new year.

Thank you for sharing this piece.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

188

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3934864

Review of Ronald the Red Haired Weasley!

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a Newbie Academy Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: I was looking for something Christmassy to read and this piece, coupled with Harry Potter, was a must read!

What I liked:

I'm not one for poetry but this was a good read. It made me smile and it stuck well to the tune of the song (it played in my head as I read it!) The story itself stuck well with Rowling's original characters and I saw Ron and Draco arguing as they did numerous times and in particular, Ron throwing up slugs, poor guy! Thanks for writing and sharing this

I have no suggestions to make!

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of The Newbie Academy:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

189

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3934857

Review of Christmas of the Dead

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a Newbie Academy Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Christmas and zombies, what more could a girl ask for

Storyline: This was a fun read. It's Christmas morning and snow blankets the ground. A cosy house, a tasty breakfast and then... an invasion! It kept me wanting to read throughout and I enjoyed it as I followed Jack and his family throughout. It's something I think you could continue if you wanted to

Characters: Jack Walker. I liked the name as soon as I saw it. Appropriate for a zombie killer! He comes across as a strong man, someone who wants to protect his family and he's willing to go to any length to do it.

Setting: You set the scene well giving the reader descriptions of the surroundings so they could settle into the scene.

Atmosphere/tone: Scary. And a bit sad that christmas had to be cancelled.

Dialogue: With speech, if you use a speech tag after which tells the reader how something is said, it should end usually with a comma (or sometimes a question mark or exclamation mark) and then the speech tag should begin with a lower case letter.

A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

It turned out that gas stoves were even more of a life saver in the winter then he'd realized,

This should be 'than'.

It turned out that gas stoves were even more of a life saver in the winter than he'd realized,

as their 8 year old son lay asleep in his bedroom.

Usually, up to 100, words are written out in full.

as their eight year old son lay asleep in his bedroom.

- but I think that's pushing it." Jack replied,

When a speech tag follows the speech it should end with a comma.

- but I think that's pushing it," Jack replied,

Jack watched her for a little while before turning around, he decided he would help out and set the table.

This should be two separate sentences.

Jack watched her for a little while before turning around. He decided he would help out and set the table.

It took only a few minutes of crackling bacon before the heard little Derrick

This should be 'they'.

It took only a few minutes of crackling bacon before they heard little Derrick

"I don't see anything. I wonder who the hell is screaming at 8 in the morning." He stated.

This is a speech tag so the speech should end with a comma and the speech tag should start with a lower case letter.

"I don't see anything. I wonder who the hell is screaming at 8 in the morning," he stated.

Now his curiosity was beginning to turn to worry, as he turned to grab for the doorknob a sound rang out that caused the hairs on the back of his neck to stand straight up.

This should be two sentences.

Now his curiosity was beginning to turn to worry. As he turned to grab for the doorknob a sound rang out that caused the hairs on the back of his neck to stand straight up.

these things making there way up the stairs?

This should be 'their'.

these things making their way up the stairs?

He peaked around and saw the car, and saw a few of them

This should be 'peeked'.

He peeked around and saw the car, and saw a few of them

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of The Newbie Academy:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

190

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3934460

Review of Santa Claus And The Christmas Tree

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hey!

This is a Newbie Academy Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: I spotted this piece when I searched for Christmas and zombie, so here I am!

Storyline: I have to say, I wasn't too sure what to expect when I opened this piece. It was really well written and flowed smoothly, taking me through the story of how Angela met the Santa claus and then her demise only shortly after. How gruesome!

Characters: I really like the way you characterise Santa. He comes across as a nice guy at first, very charming and likeable indeed but after Angela is safetly bundled up in her apartment he changes and when he comes for her, he's certainly not a happy bunny.

Setting: The setting of this piece changes but you set the scene well throughout so the reader knows where they are and can see it as they do.

Atmosphere/tone: This was quite a tense piece and towards the end, pretty gruesome.

What I liked:

I really liked the narrator's voice. I think it worked really well and came across really strongly too, the ending made me smile.

A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

do you go the hole hog?”

I think this should be 'whole'.

do you go the whole hog?”

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of The Newbie Academy:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

191

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3934454

Review of The List

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a Newbie Academy Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: I've been looking for Christmassy things to read and the fact that it's coupled with the horror genre is a bonus!

Storyline: What an interesting piece! I enjoyed reading this and found this it was an original take on the traditional Christmas prompt. Santa is not a man anymore, he's a machine... I like it!

Characters: George and Mike are the main characters here. George is a distraught parent when he realises he's going to lose his son, Mike, the teach is consoling and firm. They are both well portrayed for a short story.

Setting: This is set somewhere around Santa's grotto but I also get the distinct feeling of a school.

Atmosphere/tone: This felt quite futuristic with the mechanical Santa but it was also a good twist on the justice system, it was well done!

I have no suggestions to make!

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of The Newbie Academy:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

192

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3934445

Review of A Calendar for Christmas

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey! I was looking for something Christmassy to read when I came across this and with the fact that it combines my favourite genre, I had to read it!

Storyline: What a really original piece. I really enjoyed reading this well written piece. It had me gripped with the characters, their backgrounds and the story of the calendar as it slowly released it's secret. It worked well and right up until the moment I realised Stephen had flipped onto Christmas Day on the Calendar, I had no idea what was going to happen, so that was really well done too!

Characters: Stephen and Tabitha are the main characters here. They're a married couple living in his deceased parent's home. I get the impression they were a little older but the must have only been in their thirtes or so. Maybe that would be something to clear up. I like them as people and as a couple, they work well together and are quite playful with each other. I can also tell Stephen just wants to look after his wife which is really sweet.

Setting: This takes place in the Harrison home and you set the scene well, painting the picture of the house at Christmas.

Atmosphere/tone: It had me on the edge of my seat because I didn't know what was coming but I had to know!

I have no suggestions to make!

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

193

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3934437

Review of Sara's Christmas Wish

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey! I was looking for something Christmassy to read when I spotted this piece

Storyline: Oh my, what a sad piece. It's really well written and follows Sara as she visits Santa and tells him what her wishes are for Christmas, although what she comes out with is very different to what little girls normally want.

This piece was really sad and I really felt for the little girl. I did find myself thinking that if I found myself in that situation, I wouldn't let her go back to her mother. After all, she's just confessed to abuse and he knows it's not safe for her to go back... however, I realise he might not have known what to do. But it's just a thought.

Characters: Santa and Sara are the main characters here. I really feel for Sara. She comes across as a very strong person, someone who just wants to be happier and despite being a vulnerable child she holds her head high. I really wanted Santa to take her away from it but I guess life can't always be like that.

Setting:I think this must take place in a shopping mall or something. I think the scene is set enough for the story.

Atmosphere/tone: Very sad, it really tugged at my heart.

A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

he smiled at the little girl,

I think this should be an upper case letter.

He smiled at the little girl,

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

194

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14 days may be credited.

#3934433

Review of Homeless in the City

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: I was looking for something Christmassy to read and when I spotted this and because I work with homeless people, I wanted to stop by and read it.

Storyline: This is a really heart warming piece. The woman in this passes by Freddy, a homeless man, on her way to work every day. She always stops to say hi and drop him a little bit of money to make sure he's alright, but then one night she really starts thinking about him. It hits her. I think for me, that worked really well. I have to say that it made me feel bad for the homeless man having to go through that but also for the city as it seemed there wasn't a lot of provision for homeless people. However, I think that where I'm from there's a lot of support here.

Characters: There are two main characters here, the narrator (I don't think we learn her name) and Freddy. You paint them both well, the narrator through her actions and thoughts and Freddy through the way she looked at him and his demeneaour. I liked them both.

Setting: This takes places in a cold winter month when ice is on the street.

Atmosphere/tone: This piece made me feel sad knowing that this certainly happens and all too often.

I have no suggestions to make!

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

195

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3934139

Review of Don't Open that Door

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey, I was looking for something to read when I spotted this piece. The title caught my eye and I think simply because I was told not to, I wanted to! So here I am

Storyline: As I read this piece in which Kelsey and Joseph argued about whether to open a door or not, I found myself a little confused. There was no background information to show where they were or what the door was or why they were so nervous about it, however, I realised why at the end of the piece. It was a neat ending with a good twist. It did leave me thinking you could add a few bits here and there, for instance, to clarify the relationship between Kelsey, Joseph and James. Are they siblings? You could also add another genre to the item such as family or holiday to give the reader more of a hint as to what it is about.

Characters: Kelsey and Joseph are the main characters here. We don't really know what their relationship is to each other though I guessed they were brother and sister. We also don't get to know a lot about them except that maybe Kelsey is a bit more willing to take a risk than Joseph. Maybe you could add to this to emphasise their characters.

Setting: I wasn't sure of the setting of this piece right until the end. Again, I can understand why you did it and knowing what I do now, I understand it. Perhaps you could have some description a little earlier on.

Atmosphere/tone: The end of this piece made me smile, it was really quite clever.

A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

“Kelsey, don’t you dare open that door,” Screamed Joseph!

Here I think the exclamation mark should be within the quotation marks to show the emphasis. Also, the word following should be a lower case letter as it's a speech tag which tells the reader how something is said.

“Kelsey, don’t you dare open that door!” screamed Joseph.

“Joseph you are always so scared. Why what would happen?” Kelsey proclaimed back with sarcasm.

I think here, you don't need the word 'back' as it's already obvious Kelsey is having a conversation with Joseph.

“Joseph you are always so scared. Why what would happen?” Kelsey proclaimed with sarcasm.

“What are you guys doing,” asked James walking in behind them?

The same here, the question mark should be within the quotation marks.

“What are you guys doing?” asked James, walking in behind them.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

196

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14 days may be credited.

#3934122

Review of A Caregiver Never Sleeps

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey, I saw this featured in this week's newsletter and the title and description hit home for me, so I wanted to come and read it.

What I liked:

This really was a sad piece. You're really put your heart and soul into it allowing the reader see into a brief glimpse of a time when your mum has Alzheimer's and you were looking after her, the memories that come with that and the pain she was put through. You've asked yourself all of these questions and a lot of them you may not have answers to but without meeting you, I know that you did all you could to make sure she was comfortable and looked after.

Thank you for having the courage to share such a piece.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

197

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3932673

Review of Darwin's Choice

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey I'm here with a review of this piece as part of your Lightning package gifted by April Desiree-I'm back!

! I chose this piece because I'm feeling in a particularly romantic mood!

Storyline: This was a nice piece in which we see Sara taking a walk in the park after a long winter and being crashed into by Darwin the dog and then meeting his completely handsome owner. This is a nice piece but it did feel a little cliche. I think you could really add to this piece. Give the reader Sara's background story, why the winter was so long, why she longed for change. It might help spice the narrative up a little and add depth.

Characters: As I said I think we need a little more depth to the characters, particlarly Sara. She's the main character and I think knowing her background story and the contest would be helpful to the reader. I found myself wanting to know why she had been so glum before and why she needed change. I also wanted to know those general sort of things like her age, interests, appearance.

Setting: This takes place in the park and you set the scene well throughout.

Atmosphere/tone: There was a lot of romance in this piece and it worked well, particularly tying in with the weather.

Dialogue: with speech tags, that tell the reader how something is said, it usually ends the speech with a comma and the narrative begins again with a lower case.

A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

Bird song filled the air enlivening the world bringing a smile Sara's face.

I think this line could do with a comma and the word 'to'.

Bird song filled the air, enlivening the world, bringing a smile to Sara's face.

Sara could feel herself responding and shedding off the darkness

I don't think you need the word 'off' here as the word 'shedding' is the action.

Sara could feel herself responding and shedding the darkness

"Well, aren't you in a mighty fine hurry." She said to the dog,

With speech tags, the speech tends to end in a comma (or another puncutation mark except a full stop) and the next bit usually starts with a lower case letter.

"Well, aren't you in a mighty fine hurry," she said to the dog,

The worry and concern she saw in them caught her funny and she began to laugh.

To me, the word 'caught' isn't quite right here. You could try something like 'struck'.

The worry and concern she saw in them struck her as funny and she began to laugh.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asked again

This should be a lower case letter after the speech.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked again

"Let me help you up." He told her shifting to stand

"Let me help you up," he told her shifting to stand

"Oh, sorry." She mumbled

"Oh, sorry," she mumbled

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

198

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14 days may be credited.

#3932656

Review of Christmas Died at Logan

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey I saw this item featured in the most recent newsletter and wanted to stop by and read it. The title really intrigued me and had me wanting to know why and how.

Storyline: I'm so glad I opened this story! I wasn't entirely sure what to expect but it wasn't quite this, yet I have to say I really enjoyed reading it. You take the reader through a story where an FBI agent is charged to look into Santa's terrorist activities and prevent all of the conflict going on with the Snow people. This piece had me smiling at the satire of it all, especially since I was shocked to learn that where I am the Government are trying to ban local Christmas festivities!

Characters: The main character is the narrator who is an FBI agent. His voice comes across strongly and works well to tell the story and get his personality across.

Setting: This is contemporary piece and set in both America and the North Pole. You make sure the reader always knows where it's taking place.

Atmosphere/tone: This piece made me smile. I think it was really creative!

I have no suggestions to make!

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

199

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3932652

Review of Capella Valley's First Fireworks

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey Ken, unfortunately yours was the only entry into the November round of "Invalid Item"

which means I'm unable to award a prize. On the other side of that, I'm still here to read and review this piece for you

Storyline: This was a really neat short story. It's told from the point of view of Derrick who's at war and as a flare goes off in front of him, he has a flashback and remembers his time spent with Sheila and just how he fell in love with her. It was a creative use of the prompt and I really enjoyed reading it. I felt myself being pulled into the story and really rooting for them to be together.

Characters: Derrick and Sheila are the main characters here. I think Sheila is a little sly because she does what she can (and knows that using her womanly charms will absolutely work) to win him over and will stop at nothing. Derrick seems a little dubious at first but realises he does like her after all.

Setting: This is set in 1965 and you set the scene well including the context.

Atmosphere/tone: There is a lot of romance in this piece but because of the way Sheila was so intense and Derrick was dubious at first, I felt like it was a little forced in places. However, it still worked well and at the end I could see it was true love and not just for marriage.

A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

she would be starring at him with a brilliant smile.

This should be 'staring'.

she would be staring at him with a brilliant smile.

“You haven't even offered to give me a ride home once this year?”

I would have said this might work better with a full stop as it seems more like a statement than a question.

“You haven't even offered to give me a ride home once this year.”

I miss those Friday night club meetings don't you.?”

There's just a little typo here, I'd get rid of the full stop.

I miss those Friday night club meetings don't you?”

“You're so strong” she said more than a dozen times

I'd put a comma here at the end of the speech.

“You're so strong,” she said more than a dozen times

His his hands locked on the powerful weapon

There's just an extra word here.

His hands locked on the powerful weapon

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

200

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3932639

Review of Three French Hens

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: I opted for a little more of cheer for my third review! The title was intriguing and I had to see what it would bring.

Storyline: A millionnaire sends out a nationwide request (how eccentric indeed!) that he be brought animals that represent faith, love and hope. Three turn up at his door on Christmas eve each with a French hen and a different story behind each. This made me smile! It was well written and captured the Christmas spirit but was also lighthearted.

Characters: Although this is a short piece I think the millionnaire was maybe a little acrupt with the people he answered his door to, after all, he sent out the ad he must have known someone (or probably lots of someones) would turn up at his door for a chance to be in his will.

Setting: This takes place in the millionnairs home.

Atmosphere/tone: This piece made me smile and you captured the Christmas spirit well too!

A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

1/3 to the person who brings me an animal representing love, and 1/3 to the person who brings me an animal representing love."

I think the second one here should be 'hope'.

1/3 to the person who brings me an animal representing love, and 1/3 to the person who brings me an animal representing hope."

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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