What I liked:
I particularly like clerical humor and I like to play with words. So that was two points with me right off the riff.
Ideas/Suggestions
This would be much more comical and clever if the timing was better. The flow is a bit bumpy and interferes with the delivery of a pretty humorous poem. I have a suggestion I use to stay in metre. Read each line of your poem out loud to yourself at a steady pace and count it out the same way musicians count out beats to music. (1...2...3...4, etc.) Rhyming lines should end on the same number. If they don't you chop out or add in syllables until they do (sometimes that means finding another word).
This is a great and wonderful testimony of something bigger, MUCH bigger, than ourselves. I'm glad you got an answer to the question "Why, me?" And an awesome answer it was in deed.
Your writing was without any flaws that I could see. I enjoyed reading this.
Congratulations on being chosen for the comedy newsletter!
What I liked
Your writing is tidy, grammatically correct, well-presented (i.e. paragraphs, spacing), and punctuation is correct.
Specifically regarding content, this was cute, light and made me chuckle
Favorite funny part:
I could grab the fork and stab myself in the eye, creating a diversion. However, I’m sure once the bandages were secure, my love life would be up for discussion again.
Suggestions/Corrections/Ideas:
Just one --
George, after all fifth cousins aren’t considered close relations is not a sentence. The preceding sentence should be joined with this one as such:
...dashing young man, George; after all, fifth cousings aren't considered close relations.
Hi. This is interesting, as you are asking some deep philosophical questions about the place that thinking has in our reality.
What I liked
I found throughout that you used imagery well making the composition rich. Here are a few that I picked out that I particularly liked:
leaking out strands of vividly white hair.
It was as if he was making a difficult choice in leaving the bench.
He usually made a bulk purchase of eggs and bacon and possibly, on very rare occasions, a single peppermint patty.
I like the "single peppermint patty" in this sentence. Odd quirks like that add dimension and intrigue to a character. Of course I wanted to know "why just one?" and you answered with an equally interesting explanation.
Ideas/Suggestions/Corrections
Passer-bys -->passersby
His eyes were piercingly green and prominent, yet they were nowhere
This didn't work for me to complete the imagery of his eyes that you begun with "piercing, green, and prominent."
I think you're trying to portray hopelessness, and a less awkward way, more penetrating way to do this might be
"His eyes were piercingly green and prominent, yet they saw nothing"
Verbs (saw) create more sensual, tactile imagery because they allude to action. Thus the reader gets involved vicariously with the imagined action of "seeing" nothing.
"...nicely polished black shoes that were almost out of place."
In this case the shoes are definitely out of place! so "almost" is blatantly misused.
As he walked (an almost uneven walk),
Again, almost is not appropriate. Here it's like being almost pregnant...his walk was either uneven or not uneven. Additionally, "almost" gets in the way of creating a good image. If I know he's limping then I can imagine that.
He took off his pajamas, showered quickly
You broke character with "quickly". He's done nothing but move slowly or not move at all up to this point. It would be odd for him to now move quickly.
Overall, I was able to connect with the piece, connect with the character and follow the message. I would suggest that you take time to make sure you're saying what you mean, and if what you're saying fits with what you're creating -- with regards to the character or the entire story line.
What a kind gesture to reach out to your family members in such an intimate way after the passing of a loved one. These times are often difficult for all involved, and fear of saying the wrong thing can render us silent. Silence, in such cases, is not always golden. Congratulations for the bravery I'm sure this must have taken.
Hi there! thanks for your review of {item:1490768 }.
Thanks for sharing your views and what you believe. The technical aspects of this seem fine to me. Your essay is laid on in a concise manner with no obstacles to reading. Very clean!
When I read spiritual writing what I am most looking for is anything that gives a different perspective on understanding. While this piece was well-written, there was nothing that gave me an "aha!" moment.
I love reading scripture and seeking to "know" the truth that is often veiled within. In your essay you mention the necessity of praying in Jesus's name. At the same time you say of Jesus:
When He teaches us to pray in the Holy Scriptures, He clearly and definitively tells us not to pray to Him (Jesus) or to anyone else.
I am not disputing the Biblical accuracy of what you wrote. However, because I question what doesn't make sense to me, even in the Bible, and sense I happen to be contemplating this particular issue that you have written about, I have a question:
Isn't praying "in Jesus' name" the same as praying to Jesus, and at least glorifying him above God who is granting the blessing. It feels unnatural to me that Christianity gives so much attention to the creation (Jesus) and not the creator (God), even deferring to him in prayer. This is not a challenge to an argument, just something to think about. If you'd like to shoot me a personal email for further discussion, feel free.
Your use of personification, bringing the mirror to life, is very effective in "mirroring" the emotions, thoughts and actions of the character. This piece made such an authentic connection that I wonder if this wasn't true.
You open with the sense of restriction that the character feels, although you're actually referring to the mirror.
I’m a pentagonal piece of glass bound inside a floral, wooden frame. A recorder of changing moods, a silent witness of her daily activities.{/red}
what's ingenious about that is that the character and the mirror are actually the same. So describing the mirror, is in fact describing the character.
I found myself wanting to hug the character and tell her everything would be ok...you're writing brought the mirror alive and I knew the mirror ached to be able to do the same thing.
What I liked:
Your story is imaginative an introduces something new and fresh in the form of Indian words, which I found tantalizing...but then, I love words. The glossary at the end was a nice touch, although not knowing their meanings did not hamper my comprehension.
Suggestions
When using imagery, packing a lot of different images in a sentence can cause the picture be hazy or too troublesome to follow. For example, you wrote:
The wind was barely there but enough to tickle the damp tendrils at the base of my neck, even as a bead of sweat dived down the small of my back.
*flower* Vocabulary that is too puffy can also inhibit comprehension and cause the reader to lose interest because of all the effort required. For example:
I took a long swig of the refreshing drink, a tad bitter today, even as I made assenting and comforting grunts as best as my industrious mouth would allow.
This part of the sentence,
assenting and comforting grunts as best as my industrious mouth would allow.
seems a bit overkill with vocabulary and could be said simpler, or in more natural language. "Industrious" particularly is a bit more than necessary when "busy" or "working" will do.
HOPE THIS IS HELPFULL...Take what you can use and blow the best away
Keep Writing!!
You have images of wind, damp tendrils, base of neck, bead of sweat, small of my back. That's a lot to put together in a picture as you're reading. I think a better rewrite would be:
The wind was just enough to tickle the damp tendrils at the base of my neck, as a bead of sweat dived down my back{/g}
By leaving out any unneccesary words, it's easier to pull all the images together to get the full picture without too much thinking.
That's pretty good. You've told the story of how after years of hopeful waiting a woman has given up on her dream of ever getting married. In six words,not bad at all! You mirrored Hemingway's tactic well from his six word story...
Thanks for your review of my short story "Creature's Comfort - Part I" . Your comments were helpful and insiteful.
This is an excellent allegory of the spiritual path and the difficulties and fear we face as we try to navigate our way. I found it to be inspiring and reassuring, confirming what I've come to understand and believe...although we'd prefer to be rescued, we truly must find our own way.
Thanks for your review of my item "Nature's Band" . Here's one for you!
I was able to follow this from the first to the third verse -- a review of some woman's life and the events and turmoil that she has encountered. I am identifying with all of that, but when you get to the fourth verse I am thrown off track -- like a hound dog that just lost the scent.
Once you go into the narrator's voice with "I", now I'm lost. Now I don't know who I'm relating to because there is no thread between the "I" now speaking, and the "she" being spoken about earlier. I don't know the relationship between the two. While reading I was trying to put together some relationship.
My mind went back and forth between,
-the "I" and the "she" are the same
-the "I" is someone who loves the "she"
To add to the confusion was the verse where "I" is introduced, itself. What is meant here was not clear by:
I am a burden but feels she needs
Someone to say "I Love You"
Summary
I understand here that you are attempting to portray the hardships of life that one woman has faced, with parenting and with marriage. These are universal in most women's lives, and so a very easy theme to relate too. However, because I could never be sure of "who" I was relating to, this uncertainty created an obstacle to me getting it. I couldn't find the point of connection.
Thanks for your review of my item "The Dream Keeper" . Here's one for you!!
Loved, loved, loved this! You set the ambience of being so alone in this remote place very well. What I liked is I felt it all. I felt the lonliness, the cold, and even the snowplowers smile.
Nice work!
Keep Writing...no I mean it...Keep writing!!
Thanks for your review of my item "The Flow of Love" . Here's one for you!
This was interesting to a lifelong Floridian like myself, who never sledded a day in her life. However, I have no idea what a "derring-do" is and a definition or explanation here would have helped.
Although it's listed as a short story, there's not enough here to be a short story and the rating reflects that.
of course, dancing with the bear and the garden beyond the wall. I really liked dancing with the bear. There was an expectation of something horrible about to happen and you instead turned it into a playful dance. Liked that a lot.
This piece has a spiritual tone as you mention the symbols on the trees being one for each religion. This dance with the bear plays into this spiritual theme. The idea of meeting whatever we encounter in life with open-ness and love and thereby turning it into a dance with life.
I liked the tea cup as well, furthering the spiritual theme as in "my cup runneth over."
The only complaint I have, which is minor, is that sometimes your descriptions of meandering along the path seemed uneventful, and uninteresting. But this was only slightly by this reader. Perhaps, against such an undecorated backdrop, the little finds along the way were made even more significant.
Thanks for your review of my item "Missing Pieces" quite some time ago. I'm just getting around to returning the favor
This is a fabulous story in which you show your great imagination and use of imagery!!
Although this must be fiction, you tell this story with such flare and grace that it seems like it could have actually happened. I was immeshed in the story from the beginning and wasn't in the least let down with it's ending.
Although there were quite a few technical errors in this item, I was still caught in the suspense that you built. I was interested in knowing why everybody steered clear of this person. My mind was thinking of different possibilities as I read. So, you did a fairly good job of capturing my attention and leading me on with the suspense.
As stated, there were technical errors like inconsistency with tenses as in:
I don’t notice what was wrong until it was too late...
Standing near the edge of the bridge, I peered over a rusted railing, and see people...
Sometimes your sentences were confusing as in:
To most others, this would put a smile on their face, and would walk over there, probably to greet someone they know.
(awkward sentence)
She started to me, her back turned so she didn’t look at me
Favorite Line
I had slowly walked away, my heels clicking with each step, echoing in the silence.
(nice auditory imagery)
Overall:
This writing could use a lot of editing. However, you stated you just started writing. Don't be discouraged. This is all stuff you can learn by having someone point construction errors to you. In spite of this, you seem to possess some talent in storytelling, and that to me, is the hard part of writing.
Your essay is beautifully laid out making your delivery and flow of ideas easy to comprehend and digest.
You've included easy steps or guidelines to follow towards the ends of handling setbacks that someone reading this type of essay would find meaningful and helpful.
I like that you have included broad array of sources to give your ideas different perspectives to be viewed from... Scott Peck, a football, Jesus, Neitzsche, Frankel, a doctor, Helen Keller, Paul (from the Bible), 12-step doctrine... that's a lot of diverse perspective.
Overall, I found this piece to be thoughtful and insightful. Well done, Keep Writing!
Hello and congratulations on being featured in the Spiritual Newsletter!
What worked:
Your writing, choice of words, sentence construction all flowed well; no typos, punctuation errors, etc., to obstruct reading.
Minor corrections/ideas/suggestions:
A word left out here:
I remember so well and so fondly as onewho touched my life in a grand way.
The layout of this could use a little tightening to make it more concise, by moving a couple of things around as such:
My ex-husband’s aunt taught me to make a flaky pie crust. She was the first to suggest putting vinegar in the recipe. It worked!
This line is thrown in at the end of a paragraph where the subject is your "mom's friends." It seems orphaned and out of place since it does not relate to that topic. I would consider moving it. Perhaps working it in as such in the following paragraph:
I've written about some of these women already. I've written about my Mother a number of times, and about my Grandma (see Grandma’s Was a Simple Faith) and even about the lady who lived next door to me when I was just a child (Pray Without Ceasing), Mrs. Lesco. There are others whom I haven't written about, like my ex-husband’s aunt (who) taught me to make a flaky pie crust. She was the first to suggest putting vinegar in the recipe. It worked!
Additionally, the above paragraph was in need of a transition as you go from making brief, general notes about a few women to expounding more broadly on specific women who influenced you. I would consider using a line you used further down to make this transition and lead into the next paragraph:
Others have left footprints on my heart and soul as well.My Sunday school teacher,...
Overall:
The writing was well done except for the few things pointed out to help with presentation. Although you say some nice things about some people who've influenced your life, I didn't "feel" your admiration nor the inspiration you suggest you received from them. Maybe it's because you elude to this but never say it outright. You don't say exactly HOW these women shaped you except with regards to the Sunday school teacher. For instance when talking about the aunt who taught you to make flaky pie crust, a follow up like:
"My son expects to find one of my freshly baked pies on each return
home from college"
gives the reader a way to measure and share how this effected you.
Or, when speaking of Marcia Jones and what she taught you about management you conclude:
What a fine example she set for me for my future management experiences.
You have told the reader that you were directly affected but not how and not with language that would help the reader identify with your appreciation of what you gained, but rather a dry statement of fact. Something like:
Over the years I've enjoyed the appreciative words expressed or written in cards at Christmas times from people I've managed. I have Marcia to thank for this
Take what you can use and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away
Your writing and tone in this piece is relaxed with thoughts and dialog laid out in an unrushed, pure unpretentious manner. It didn't make me work at all. It was a comforting, inviting read.
You touch on a universal theme that almost any woman 45-ish and up can relate to. But you do so without making aging appear a bad thing. It simply is what it is -- gravity, strange eyebrows, and the absence of cat calls from younger days.
*flower* I really like the strong sense of self you painted in this woman. Her ability to laugh at herself is uplifting and the fact that she recognizes things she likes about herself that perhaps she didn't celebrate when she was younger. This is reflected in the part where she finds out her date is only 5'6" and she's 5'9" :
“Does that bother you?” he asked me.
“Heavens no.” That would be shallow. That was a blatant lie. Actually, my height really didn’t bother me at all. His did.
Perhaps this line speaks to me because I am exactly 5'9" myself ,and in my actively dating years I felt awkward if I had a shorter companion, which happened more often than I'd like to remember. But like your woman here, as I've "ripened" I've come to appreciate this and other bits of me that I didn't before. Or at least to accept them without the harsh measure of judgment that women often mete out to themselves until they become older and hopefully wiser. This is a nice treatment of a sometimes touchy subject.
Thanks for reviewing "Nobody's Fool" The guy you write about in this poem reminds me some of the old man Chip Monk in my poem. Both are "free" spirits to say the least.
I enjoy any writing that hints to the wonders of us humans and notes that it is only our minds that limit our achievements. So the subject was one I tend to resonate with. Actually i think more people are starting to awaken to dormant possibilities. It's been scientifically proven that we use only 10% of our brains and with all that's been achieved with 10% who's to say the other 90 wouldn't send us flying around like bats out of hell!
Ideas/Suggestions:
The meter and timing was off in a few places.
With surprising speed and agility,
he leapt off the building with a simple "yippee"
Meter could be better with these lines. "with a simple" is just too jumbled in this line. I thought of a couple of things and think it would be better to just use one verb hear like "shouting" or the one I like most "cheering" or any other word similar in meaning.
With surprising speed and agility,
he leapt off the building cheering, "yippee!" oh yeah, and the ! was missing.
"Fair thee well," he said, and waved to all.
"Fair thee well," said they, as he did fall.
In these two lines the same thing happens. The lines get a little jumbled and slowed down with "he said" and "said they." I would consider something like:
"Fair thee well," he waved them all.
"Fair thee well," as he did fall.
In the following lines:
Plummeting down, the ground he saw.
The grass and rocks would stop his fall
This sounds painful --falling on rocks!-- and not getting hurt sounds unbelievable.
I would consider something like:
Plummeting down, the ground he saw.
The grassy earth would stop his fall
The following is "bumpy" and obstructive as written:
Landing gently upon his feet,
down came the crowd for him to meet.
I'd try this rearrangement of what you have:
Landing gently upon his feet,
the crowd came down for him to meet.
Again here timing a bit off with two many syllables
They stared in awe at this marvelous man,
"can you really fly because you think you can?"
Try:
They stared in awe at this marvelous man,
"can you really fly 'cause you think you can?"
again, I love the message of freedom and lightness of spirit you have expressed here.
Thanks for reviewing my Dialog 500 entry "Missing Pieces" . Here's one back atch'a.
sounds like you've got a wonderful family. That's truly something to shout about (or write about) The love you have for your family members comes through as well as your pride as a doting father.
Suggestions
I don't know if it's a poetic boo-boo but I know in writing in general you don't start a sentence with numbers. And personally, numbers are so "hard" and unemotional when poetry is all about emotion. So I would consider writing the numbers out instead so as not to impede emotion
Also, the timing and meter of your verses was off so that the read was a bit bumpy.
I have trouble with timing in poems myself so I know it can be difficult finding just the right words to fit in the meter and say what you mean to say. Alas, we keep trying!
Hello Trevor
Thanks for your review of my poem {item: 1449473}. Here's one for you!
All the poetry you have in this item shows that you're a true student of life and enlightenment. Your writing reminded me of the sound crystal makes when you strike it with metal. The one that resonated with me the most was ZEN - On Purity .
I could really relate to:
...I follow a long trail
It turns and bends then roams from sight
in regards to my own journey. My sentiment was like "oh, you too!"
In the last stanza you gave a eloquent depiction of the peace of knowing. The sentiment relayed was Joy shared between you and the forest.
One thing I would consider for the line:
Leading nowhere into the world, except in me
I think if you flip-flop "into" with "in" this would flow better and ring clearer.
Hi Mari:
So sorry about your cousin and I wish you well in dealing with the grief. This review is only about writing and is not meant to impend upon your right to express your grief as you see fit.
What I liked:
Favorite Line
cuz nobody seems to hear
the silence of you not being here...
The idea of "hearing the silence" left by a missing loved one is profound in capturing extreme loss. To play this for all it's worth, I would suggest bolstering this image, idea, thought --by doing something with the next line that drives this "missing" home even further. Since, this line about silence is the clencher in the whole poem.
In fact, this line was the only one that really spoke to me...the rest was pretty subdued and the emotion of something as heart-wrenching as suicide didn't come through for me.
Again, I wish you well in dealing with your cousin's death.
Keep Writing!
DL Robinson
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Hi Ken:
What I liked: 
Ideas/Suggestions
Keep Writing!
Keep Writing! 
Passer-bys -->passersby
His eyes were piercingly green and prominent, yet they were nowhere
"...nicely polished black shoes that were almost out of place."
As he walked (an almost uneven walk), 
As stated, there were technical errors like inconsistency with tenses as in:
You've only just begun...Keep Writing!!
Overall: 