Cissy,
This is such a heartbreaking story and I'm sorry these things happened to you! You have written of them and that is, believe it or not, a very good way of "overcoming" the memories and the pain.
Yes, the pain can be "overcome". The memories never go completely away but they can be used to make you a better person, a more compassionate person, a stronger person. I know, for I, too, am a survivor. I prefer to call myself an "overcomer". For years I felt shame also until I came to know that the shame rests on the abusers. I know now that I am a stronger person and a better person because of what happened to me. Yes, a better person for now I understand the kind of pain that only "survivors" know and have used that pain to make me more sensitive and more grateful for all the wonderful days I've had since I "told" and made myself confront my demons.
You, too, are a survivor and for that you deserve much credit. Don't hide, don't feel shame any more. If we allow ourselves to carry that misplaced "shame", we give the abusers victory over our lives. Don't be a recluse any longer either. Walk freely with your head held high, knowing that nothing or no one can take from you your victorious spirit. If you did not have such a spirit, you could not write of your pain.
Keep writing and keep telling and keep on keeping on!
Kat
Join me at - http://katkola.ning.com
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I found some of your sentences to be a bit unclear. For example: "She’s got a fur belly of whitish color and at the temple like a widow’s peak, with light gray on her back and a raccoon tail."
Perhaps you could say: "She's got a whitish fur belly and a widow's peak at her temple. Her back is light gray and her tail looks like a raccoon's tail."
And this sentence: "She was coy as a kitten can get years back when she bounced a ball, loved noises, followed the light of a flashlight flashing against the wall, tinkling bells, and plastic mice", could be written like this: "Years ago, she was coy as a kitten can get. She bounced a ball, loved noises, followed the light of a flashlight flashing against the wall and loved tinkling bells and plastic mice."
This paragraph is somewhat confusing: "She is such a show cat, of that I’m sure. We have had her pose for many camera shots and they always are near and dear to us. Once, we had her inside of a Cube Pepsi Box with a hole for her head, she peeped out for a Christmas photo from us."
You might write: Princess is such a show cat! We had her pose for many camera shots which are always near and dear to us. Once, for our Christmas photo, we had her peek out of a Cube Pepsi Box with a hole cut out for her head.
These are just a few suggestions to make your sentences more concise and readable.
I love reading about cats and have four of my own.
Keep writing!
Kat
Join me at - http://katkola.ning.com
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I really loved this story! Every word, sentence and paragraph pulled me in an kept my attention. I loved the attention to detail and the subject matter that all of us have experienced at one time or another.
I thought it ended a little abruptly, however. After all of the build-up about this blossoming love, it was over in two paragraphs. I'd love to read more about these two lovers.
Keep writing!
Kat
Join me at - http://katkola.ning.com
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
In the second paragraph, second sentence, I think the word "clear" should be eliminated.
In the fourth paragraph I think you could eliminate the word "wherein". The sentence is just as strong if you simply use "where".
Keep Writing!
Kat
Join me at - http://katkola.ning.com
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Good story, Xander! Alice is my real name also. "Kat" is a nickname that I picked up along the way. As I read your story, this Alice reminded me of myself at one time in my life. I had such an apartment and was working and going to school. I could really understand how terrified your main character must have felt.
You've told the story well. I like short stories with only one or two characters in a critical situation. I also liked your description of Alice's life and her apartment and surroundings.
I saw no punctuation or grammatical errors. Keep up the good work!
Kat
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hi, it's Kat reviewing your short story: "Dead End"
I find myself going back and forth in this story to remember who is who. I believe that there are too many characters in this piece for so short a short story.
I didn't feel the suspense either. I felt like I was reading a proposal for a story, especially since it was written in present tense. Present tense can be off-putting if not used wisely.
I didn't see any puncuation or grammatical errors, but the title "Dead End" did not seem to fit for me.
Keep Writing!
Kat
Join me at - http://katkola.ning.com
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Loved this!! Such a wonderful way to say "life is short". I loved the rhyme and the story-like approach. You succeeded in telling a story with a plot and a higher meaning in your short poem.
I especially liked the twist of finding the crook standing over the clerk.
How quickly our lives can change and how little we think about it until we read something like this. One moment your picking up milk, the next your facing a murderer.
I'd love to see more like this!
Thanks for sharing,
Kat
Join me at - http://katkola.ning.com
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I really liked this, Xander. This chapter certainly raises more questions than it answers, but it makes me want to continue reading.
I like your attention to detail and your ability to "show" the reader the surroundings.
Your characters are interesting and your title certainly fits the story.
Hi, it's Kat, reviewing your story: "Fairgrey the Furious"
FIRST IMPRESSION: Your first paragraph made me want to keep reading. I wanted to hear more about Charlotte and Tortuga.
PLOT THOUGHTS: I definitely like the plot. I hope you finish the story so we can know how Charlotte faired when taking over for her father and who his killers were.
ERRORS: I didn't see any errors.
FAVORITE PART: My favorite part was when Charlotte met Rosey in the Inn.
SUGGESTIONS: No suggestions except to please finish. I'd love to read more.
-Write on!
Kat
Joine me at - http://katkola.ning.com
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
So wonderful to see gratitude! It seems in our daily lives we hear so much complaining, griping and sad stories. It's refreshing to read your words and know that I, too, am grateful for all those things today.
I just forgot to say thanks!
Keep writing!
Kat
Join me at - http://katkola.ning.com
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hi, it's Kat, reviewing your poem: "Looking Up to My Flag"
FIRST IMPRESSION:I really liked this part of the first verse: white clouds, blue sky,
and red stripes of dawn
have put down roots
into this earth spinning
out of control.
I loved how you incorporated the flag colors.
PLOT THOUGHTS: To me, the plot was the reverence to our flag and it's healing powers to draw us all together.
ERRORS: I don't know if its actually an error, but I couldn't understand this first part: "Hoping the hard rock
will imitate intentions,"?
FAVORITE PART: This was my favorite part because of the imagery and how it soothes the soul:
my flag is waving
to let the breeze
carry its
healing breath
over us.
SUGGESTIONS: None.
-Write on!
Thanks,
Kat
Join me at - http://katkola60@hotmail.com
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What a wonderful story! I've had the same type of experiences in my life and know that "Baby Jesus" was there for me in many people.
I'm so glad I read this story today. I had to give you a "5" for content and storyline.
There is a need for paragraph clarification and there seem to be too many spaces between sentences (probably where you meant to start a new paragraph).
We need more writing like this so please keep it up.
Thanks,
Kat
Join me at - http://katkola.ning.com
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This is a lovely poem. I see it as a portrayal of heaven through the eyes of an angel.
I see a couple of things that I think may need correcting. You use the present tense of "astound" where the past tense is needed. I also think that in line #13, "eternities" should be "eternitys'".
I think I see you changing from "I" to "we" also and that could be a bit confusing.
Wonderful imagery!
Kat
Join me at - http://katkola.ning.com
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What a unique way to tell this story! I loved the mixture of song (poetry) and prose.
I think the second sentence of your first paragraph set the background for the story and made me want to continue reading: "His fingers lightly caressed the strings, and a melancholy chord echoed through the hills outside the screens."
For me, caressing the strings of his old guitar was his way of touching and feeling the memories of his lost love. The "melancholy chord" were the memories as they made their way through the terrain of his heart and mind.
I'd like to see more writing like this!
Thanks for sharing,
Kat
Join me at - http://katkola.ning.com
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I loved every word, sentence, phrase and type of poem in this ingenious piece of work! You told so many stories in verse and did it magnificently! Where oh where did you get the idea?
I especially liked the Haiku and the Epigram Telegram.
I haven't written much poetry,
but your work here gives me hope.
That I can let it rhyme,
If I just take the time,
and study the lines
set before me.
Keep writing!
Kat
Join me at - http://katkola.ning.com
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hi, it's Kat, reviewing your story: Panentheism: God Is Within Us
FIRST IMPRESSION: Your first two paragraphs grabbed my attention right away. I loved the example of the grandfather "showing" his granddaughter where God lives.
PLOT THOUGHTS: As this wasn't a story, with a beginning, middle and end, you developed your explanation of your belief, "Panentheism" in a most interesting and engaging way.
ERRORS: I didn't see any errors.
FAVORITE PART: I loved the story about the butterfly in "Patch Adams". I think I saw that movie also, but your article has made me want to see it again.
SUGGESTIONS: No suggestions except to keep sharing your writing and your beliefs with anyone who will read or listen!
Hi, it's Kat, reviewing your story: Seasons Come and Seasons Go
FIRST IMPRESSION: I liked your description of the Summer day in the first paragraph.
PLOT THOUGHTS: Your plot was certainly in keeping with the title of your story.
ERRORS: I noticed some punctuation and "tense" problems. For example, in the first sentence of the first paragraph, I think you need to take out the comma and insert "and". You have two complete thoughts there that are not joined. Or, you could simply put a period at the between shining and it, making two sentences.
The second sentence of the first paragraph is not a complete sentence, nor is the third sentence of the first paragraph.
This sentence is very awkward: "I couldn't see it, I more sensed it's approach."
This sentence is also awkward: "It was silent, well at first any way." Perhaps if you take out the "well".
FAVORITE PART: I liked your imagery in this paragraph: It was here, rushing at me. As the gray sky clouded above me, the once slight breeze that had ceased to exist found the courage to muster up a gail of profound proportions. It became a wall of bricks that struck without warning. I was thrown backward with the blow. This wall of fury seemed to engulf me as it moved forward. The sun disappeared. Thick ash began to burn my skin as it rushed at me from the sky. Wait. This wasn't ash, it was snow. Snow that was being blown so hard and so fast, it felt like little pellets of heat igniting my skin. It was painful. My eyes were just open with a squint for I couldn't see with the wind blowing it's wrath at me anyway. I looked around for some sort of shelter. If I could make it to the patch of trees a few yards away, I might find some protection."
SUGGESTIONS: Just pay more attention to "tense" and sentence completion.
-Write on!
Take care,
Kat
Please join me at: katkola.ning.com
This was very, very well written. Your aunt sounds like a true gem.
You describe her so well - how she was before the onset of Altzheimers and after the onset. Your description made me really feel that I knew this wonderful lady.
You did, indeed, put so much in so few words. I'm simply amazed!
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.26 seconds at 9:19pm on Apr 26, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
FIRST IMPRESSION: Your first paragraph made me want to keep reading. I wanted to hear more about Charlotte and Tortuga.
PLOT THOUGHTS: I definitely like the plot. I hope you finish the story so we can know how Charlotte faired when taking over for her father and who his killers were.
ERRORS: I didn't see any errors.
SUGGESTIONS: No suggestions except to please finish. I'd love to read more.