Great story Bill, thanks for sharing. This is an interesting piece of flash, complete with a good sense of tension and trauma.
I was impressed by how much the piece came to life in my mind as I read, despite there only being one character. Your descriptions of the natural and the imagery you used really helped to bring a lot of life into the work. Nice job.
Comments/Suggestions
'He had seen it move before while gathering wood: large mounds of it, sliding a couple of feet at a time, and closing in like a pack of hungry wolves.' - Great simile in this instance, comparing the onslaught of snow to a pack of wolves is very effective, more so because wolves would be predators one would associate with a desolate snowy lnadscape. Great technique.
'When it piled high around the windows, he boiled pots of water and dumped it upon the snow like the lone defender of a castle pouring hot oil down upon its besiegers.' - Again, another great piece of imagery, you excellently conveyed the urgency and desperation in the man's act with this one.
'He was in the belly of the beast, and he could feel the weight of it crushing down upon him like a mountain.' - I like 'belly of the beast;', nice alliteration to describe the position of the character, buried under the snow.
I could see no errors in the piece, nor any suggestions I could make.
Thanks for the pleasure of the read, keep up the excellent work.
TBD: The Plane (E) Flash Fiction: It was the plane she'd been waiting for. Won Honorable Mention!! #1197422 by Stephanie Grace
Another great piece of flash fiction, I enjoyed reading this one.
The subject matter is emotive and sensitive, I thought you handled it really well and made a great story of it. Nice work choosing a topical subject for the open prompt.
Comments/Suggestions
I might have added a blank line in between the paragraphs, just to space the piece out a bit and let the sections stand out alone in the piece. and gain full effect.
'It looks so slow from down here, she thought.' - I like the observation here, and how you used the italics to represent the woman's speech. Great job.
'Her heart pounded in [her] chest. She could feel his presence.' - Just a missing word here.
'gripping his hand so tightly that she he was losing feeling in his fingers' - and an extra word here!!
Thanks for the read Sapphire.
Keep up the great work, and good luck in the contest, I hope you found the review helpful.
If Cakes Could Talk (E) A project for my creative writing class - had to be about food. #1188792 by Rich
Nice piece, very well written. The piece seems to let the reader into a mere snippet of a wider event, as flash often does. The narrative hints all the while that there was more to the scene than is explained, and this creates an excellent aura of mystery in the story.
Your descriptions stood out to me as unique and original, a refreshing read. This stands out as my favourite part:
'And sitting on the table, decorated with pink roses and lilacs, a halo of candles still it, sat a cake. It was untouched, not even the wax of the candles running down their sides, as if time itself had stopped for an instant. '
Thanks for the read and keep up the great work.
KevG
Nice piece Kiya, I enjoyed reading this one a lot. I often find that biographical pieces allow a writer to acheive a good, strong narrative voice and you have managed that well with this one.
The story itself is interesting, and presented to the reader very well. The piece has a smooth flow and the actual events in the piece are linked seamlessly to the string of thoughts that they provoke.
You explore the notion of empathy well, in addition to questioning to what extent we are really greatful for what we have. I noticed a slight epiphany in the work, good job, you managed the mood and tone in the narrative nicely.
Comments/Suggestions
' I do not want to put anything else on my charge card, since I still have balances accumulating like a rolling snowball ' - I like the image here. Nice one.
'The tight noose of debt, obligation, and responsibility is choking the very life out of me and breathing becomes a little difficult.' - Again, I like how you portray the fight against debt and responsibilty at this point, the earlier parts of the story are successful in building up towards the thoughts later on.
'Some even dare to smile at the camera, a beautiful gesture in the midst of misery, darkness and hopelessness as if whispering that everything will turn out okay in the end.' - Another part which stood out to me, this entrie section of the story allowed me some clear mental images to work with. The piece is very emotive and hard hitting, yet you distance the reader from it all by using the magazine as a sort of narrative frame. Good technique.
'For these are my people, my continent, and I could very well be one of them – an abstract concept of poverty for other countries to see.' - This is my favourite line from the story, it carries a lot of weight and sums up many of the story's themes. Great job.
Overall this was a fascinating read, something a bit different from what I would usually expect from you. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for the good read, and keep up the excellent work.
Great story Bob, this piece has a great sense of nostalgia running through it. Obviously the ending is sad, and this adds to the weight of the story, but it was the earlier sections of the piece that made it very appealing to read.
I liked the stuff about the old television shows, and I also enjoyed an insight into the sort of games children would play in the street during times gone by. This story took me to a place and time I will never get to see, and allowed me a peek into the 1950's through someone else's memories. Nice work.
The ending is tragic, I thought that the last line was very hard-hitting and a good way to wrap up the story. You managed to write the piece with sensitivity yet still allowed the reader unrestricted access to the events.
Comments/Suggestions
'I spent sunny days playing “Cowboys and Indians” in my backyard with the neighborhood kids and my cousins. Probably the only time Roy Rogers, the Lone Ranger and Superman chased the bad guys together was when we played the parts.' - This is my favourite line from the piece. You work the theme of youth well throughout the story, and show the effects when the excitment of youth is compromised by illness.
Thanks for a very enjoyable read Bob, keep up the tremendous writing.
Cool story - thanks for sharing. This piece is pretty funny, basically a story charting the rise and fall of an imaginary student over the course of the average term.
A lot of the points you made had me thinking back to my own schools days a few years ago. A lot of the images and trends you mention are easy to relate to, this piece carries a good social commentary. Great stuff.
I quite liked the voice in the piece too, very friendly and conversational, as if telling the story directly to the reader. Nice techinque.
Comments/Suggestions
'Our chipper student, who cannot possibly fail (right?), sits at home hoping that this is the worst of it.' - I like the word choice. 'Chipper', a word I haven't heard used for a long time, it fits in really well with the voice and stlye of the narrative.
'But if our friend had listened just a little harder, they might have heard the sound of Fate blowing a nice, long, robust raspberry behind them.' - This is a great line, executed very well. I'm not sure that the word 'fate' should have a capital letter though, just my opinion.
' our now beaten student
sits down to their test.' - Just a minor flaw, you take a new line here and I'm not sure you meant to. It is just a small error in what is otherwise a well presented story.
Kitchen Life (13+) Leon is a young man who works a nothing existence in a kitchen #1186441 by Alex Watson
Interesting story, thanks for sharing. This one caught my eye as I used to sweat away washing dishes in a busy kitchen myself, and I thought it would be interesting to read someone else's account of life in a kitchen.
I found the read very enjoyable, well written and narrated. I liked the almost philosophical writing about existence and one's 'place' in life. Great stuff. There was a good element of humour in the piece too, I thought you painted a good picture of the characters and it seemed very authentically written. Good work.
One thing I would suggest is that you could play around with the spacing of the story a bit. If you are going to take a new line and a new paragraph leave a blank line first - this makes the piece a little easier to follow on a computer monitor. Perhaps at the end of the story you could space the speech out a little too, it would make it easier to follow, and the significance of the moment more enjoyable for the reader.
Comments/Suggestions
'Exist, that was something he was wondering if it was worth it, after all he looked at some of the people who occupied this place, they were all either people waiting for a life, or ones who had life pass them by.' - This is my favourite line from the story, it wraps up this particular perception of the others working in the hotel, and it reminds me a lot of my own experience.
'This theory was proven by the entrance of arrogant Alan' - The alliteration in Arrogant Alan is superb, it really brought the character to life for me, easier to imagine.
Thanks for the read, and keep up the great work.
KevG
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1115385 by Not Available.
Nice story, when I set the prompt I was secretely hoping that someone would turn in a story about a volcano, my very favourite natural phenomenon.
You really went for the big one here, probably the most destructive disaster of all, I enojyed reading this piece and contemplating the seriousness of the situation.
Comments/Suggestions
'Prey and predator; side by side, were leaving the caldera. Nature’s warning went unheeded.' - This was my favourite line, good description of the natural, and how the animals' instinct might have predicted the imminent catastrophe. Nice work.
'“Can I go feed my rabbits Daddy?” Jenna asked, interrupting her father’s thoughts.' - You really tugged at the heartstrings with this part, and I liked how you chaged from the factual overall view of the scenario to the very specific, personal experience of the family. nice job.
Great story Bob, thanks for entering.
Keep up the good writing, and thanks for the read (and for the volcano story!).
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1115385 by Not Available.
Nice story, you've chosed a powerful subject to write this one about - Hurricane Katrina. It struck me as tragic during the disaster that in places the whole thing brought out the very worst in man, and you've encapsulated that very notion here in your story.
I guess the underlying concept in the tale is that even one's neighbour could have been transformed into a crazed looter during the disaster, a horrible thought to consider, that as many lives are turned upside down the ones you should trust most are out to get you. There was a whole suggestion of a 'survival of the fittest' situation.
At first glance the story might be seen as a non-event, but it is the potential that is harrowing, the fact that this man's neighbour seemed more concerned with filling his sack than checking on his neighbour and their family. Nice thought provoking writing Ernie.
Comments/Suggestions
'At the sound of approaching footsteps I froze in place; hidden by the shadows, I waited.' - You crafted a nice edgy suspense in the tale, good work with atmosphere.
Thanks for entering and good luck.
Cheers for the read, and keep up the superb writing.
Great story, the first I have read of yours for quite some time, I'm glad to see you have returned with such a wonderful read.
This piece works well and I thouroughly enjoyed it throughout, it flowed very smoothly and I really liked the first person narrative, gives the main character in the story an excellent voice and personality. I noticed some superb imagery in the piece too, a lot of the descriptions allowed for a engrossing read. Great work.
The concept of the piece is interesting too. The constant struggle between life and death. In the piece you personify the two ideals in order to allow the reader to fully experience the message through the thoughts and actions of the characters, in my opinion this works perfectly. Nice job.
Comments/Suggestions
'Death comes in the form of a teenage boy, with hair as brown as chestnuts roasting over an open fire[,] and eyes as purple as dusk on a winter’s evening.' - Perhaps you'll disagree, but I would be inclined to insert a comma where I suggested. It would allow for a pause in the flow of the narrator's voice. I think this would enhance the effect of the sentence, and improve the execution of the second piece of imagery (which is brilliant, by the way). It may go against the generally perceived rules of punctuation, but when writing in the first person in this style I think it is more important for the reader to be able to hear the voice of the character.
'dressed all in black with a grin to rival a Cheshire cat’s.' - I thought this sentence was perhaps worded a little awkwardly. The possesive noun seems a little out of place at the end of the sentence. Maybe something like 'with a grin to rival that of a Chesire Cat' would be a little better.
'He lifts his gaze to glare at me, angry depths of dark purple almost turning black. He sighs and gets to his feet, his long hair trailing behind him like a sadistic master’s whip.' - This is my favourite section of the piece, great descriptive work, very vivid and clear. Smashing job.
'My name is called over and over again.' - I liked this sentence and how it functioned in the piece, it turned the story very smoothly and allowed the relevant sections to fuse together well.
'My comrade. My partner. My nemesis. My passion. Our lonesome tango for all eternity.' - Another bit I really like. The short sentences work well here. I always find them to carry extra weight and add a more emphatic tone to a piece written like this. I like the notion of the 'tango' here as well, very poignant in describing the continuing struggle between life and death. Some fabulous technique.
'(You belong to me)' - I was interested by how you slipped this solitary line in to the story, and thought it seemed out of place at first, but after reading over I realised the full effect. This line gives a really good sensation of omnipresence, and an almost forboding tone, as if a lasting reminder that regardless of what happens, death will always be waiting.
Thanks for the read, and keep up the awesome writing, I really enjoyed this one. If you are going to write like this, you should write more often!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1115385 by Not Available.
Nice work, I like the angle from which you have approached the prompt here. The title says it all, the story depicts a man on the run from the law after escaping prison. The only thing which I couldn't quite figure out was why the man had fallen asleep so close to the prison immediately after escaping??
The story is written very smoothly and with a good deal of style, I spotted no errors or anything amiss.
I like the way that you have left the story open-ended, inviting the reader to draw their own conclusions about the fate of the narrator. Good stuff.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1115385 by Not Available.
Great story, I liked this one a lot. As well as satisfying the prompt, you have written as story that contains a good meaning, in the form of a social message. I think there are a lot of people who take for granted the danger that policemen encounter every day on their job, and you've highlighted it well here.
The terminology you used seemed very authentic (good job with the small glossary at the bottom too), and I thought that the policeman's conversation through his radio really added to the tension and the effect of the story. Great job.
Comments/Suggestions
'Mike jumped back a few feet; gripping his revolver. He had caught a glimpse of shiny metal in the front seat.' - The tension in the story is high, you leave the reader to find out the events at the same time as the character, maintaining a gripping read throughout.
Thanks for entering, and good luck. The round ends tomorrow night and the winners will be announced shortly afterwards.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1115385 by Not Available.
Good job with the prompt - you successfully used all of the specified words, and put them in bold to make it easier for myself and C.C. to spot them, good job.
Also, I love the title of the story!
The story itself is interesting, I liked it a lot. The dialogue impressed me greatly, from the authenticity of the minor's speech, to the humour and realism of the father when speaking to the kid.
Comments/Suggestions
'Still whispering, she looked around, “I runned and got the band aides while Mommy washed her finger. Daddy, are you going to make Mommy wash out her mouth? Her finger must have hurted a lot!”' - The humour in the dialogue between the parent and child really added depth to the piece. You seemed to effortlessly create a warm family atmosphere in the story, without ever employing unneccesary and wordy descriptions. You let the characters do all the work through their speech and body language and allowed me to picture the events as if I was actually there. Good job.
'The flickering images of Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Tinman and the Cowardly Lion cast a multicolor rainbow across the darkened room.' - This is a superb line, my favourite of the piece, very good use of the imagination and the familiar.
Overall a great story, something totally different from what I was expecting the prompt to throw up, but in a good way.
Thanks for entering, and for the superb read.
Keep up the excellent writing. The results will follow shortly.
Great story. Very enojoyable read. Now, I'm not a fan of Paul McCartney, in fact I strongly detest the man, but I allowed myself to put it aside for this story.
You did a good job exploring the notion of the family, you created a unqiue famliy relationship in the work, this proved to ensure an interesting read. You dealt with divorce and other issues really smoothly within the piece, giving it a good sense of depth.
I liked the use of song lyrics, very creative. They fit nicely into the tone of the piece, and it was clever how the character, Lena, interacted with the lyrics. Nice technique - I've tried this a few times, and can never get the pieces finished before I give up.
Lena's character made the story interesting, the piece read as a very good insight into her life. Great character work, throughout the piece you go into great detail about Lena, making it easier for the reader to 'connect' with the story.
Comments/Suggestions
'Somewhere above, the low whirr of the washing machine changing cycles – probably from cold rinse to warm or vice versa – added to the familiar cacophony of the tedious evening ritual.' - Nice writing, I liked the way you set the scene at the start, good writing.
'Father was talking and she hadn’t been paying much attention. She blinked slowly and lifted her gaze to meet his (eyes). Of course, they were hidden behind his thick glasses and the soft glow from the chandelier above the table, made it virtually impossible to catch his gaze.' Have you omitted a word here by accident? It doesn't quite seem right.
'She wondered how he had gotten a hold of it. Was he raiding her closet again?' - I liked some of the humour in this piece, particularly when in the form of 'sibling rivalry', it made for some humorous reading.
'She continued to brush her hair almost absently – a monotonous motion of brush through limp strands.' - one of my favourite lines, good use of alliteration. Nice technique.
Overall a very enojyable story, great job with this one.
What a comprehensive collection of Flash Fiction you have here, I don't think I've witnessed a more extensive set of flash on the site.
You have a large variety of pieces, all slightly different lengths and all on a wide range of subjects. I look forward to looking through them and having a good read.
Excellent job, I hope to see your collection grow further.
Thanks for entering the Finish This Story round of
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1115385 by Not Available.
Nice story, good use of the prompt, when I came up with the beginning of the story I really didn't know what to expect from the entries.
I like this story, all sorts of espionage and the like going on. Nice twist at the end too, I didn't know what to expect at all.
Comments/Suggestions
'I thought about my baby and could not let that happen. I summoned all my strength and kicked him forcefully away from me.' - Is the narrator pregnant? I couldn't really picture a pregnant woman managing to fight off a thug in the way she did, it seemed a funny picture.
'I knew when I joined the agency that our mission did not leave much room for a personal life.' - I like this line, it is good in building suspense, and gets there reader wondering about the 'agency' and 'mission'. Good job.
Overall a fun read, and a good way to finish the story. It never really goes back to the start where the woman is identifying the suspect though, and if she wanted to remain stealthly why would she press charges in the first place. Just a couple of things for you to think about.
Nice portfolio, very neat and tidy from the outset, I like the 'town' theme that you have given your port, good dsiplay of creativity and it makes it more exciting for the visitor.
Your bio-block is good in that you point out the portfolios of a few of your friends, but perhaps you could include a short introduction about yourself to give serious readers a clue as to what sort of person wrote the pieces they are reading.
The ratings in your piece all seemed to be very accurate and carefully considered. Good job.
Your port is well organised, tidy and presented to visitors in a very friendly manner. I especially liked the images and descriptions in your folder headings, very bright and appealing, ensuring that the attention of any visitors is captured.
Your items and folders are all rated correctly, and the descriptions of the folders themselves are helpful in letting the vistor find what he/she is looking for. Good job.
The Hanging Images (E) A short story depicting the end of the world......or is it? #1157309 by Orion
Good story, very good story. I like this a lot. Packed full of punch, and some wonderful descriptions. There is something about your writing style that I really like, rich with alliteration and other nice techniques.
I like the effect of the piece also, the fact that you managed to write such a detailed description of one imaginary painting in the eyes of one of your characters is impressive. The reverie-like effect that makes up most of the piece is very well executed.
Comments/Suggestions
'Ghastly ghostly shapes clung to the colourless backdrop, awash with empty promises and telltale lies, empty of all but whispers.' - Lovely technique in 'ghastly ghostly', a nice rhyming alliteration. I would perhaps have put a comma in between the two words, but that is just my own personal preference.
'She could almost see the wind whistling pass, whipping wildly through the barren limbs of trees that rose from the shattered wasteland' - Great sentence, again the literary technique is fantastic. The two alliterations with the 'w' words really give the effect of the wind blowing through the sentence. Great job.
'yet she found her self somewhat transfixed by the sight' - 'Herself' is all one word.
'The clouds remained sparse in the distance, entrapped in the brilliant colours that merged and graced the clear cobalt sky.' - This is my favourite sentence from the piece. Great descriptive work.
'Leaders insatiable for control, too ravenous to see pass their own needs and desires!' - just a typo here, 'to see past'.
Overall I really enjoyed reading this piece, and having a think about it.
Keep writing the brilliant literature, and thanks for a superb read.
Welcome to the site, I hope you are finding your way around the place fine.
Some comments for your piece
Kindness (E) The kindness of a stranger does not go overlooked. #1157177 by Molly Jean
Cool piece. This is a very interesting personal story, and could potentially be useful to readers for a number of reasons. The piece highlights the advantages of making a simple gesture to another who is in need, and also could go lengths to settle the nerves of one who wishes to venture into the world of setting up a small business.
I thought that you wrote the piece well and kept it intersting in tone and content throughout, without ever seeming to 'wordy' or drawn out. The structure of the piece is great too, the way you frame the story about your family's fortunes with the anecdote of the kind gesture.
Overall this made for a fun read, something a bit different from the usual short stories.
Keep up the good work and thanks for the read.
KevG
Welcome to the community, I hope you are finding your way around everything ok.
Some comments for your piece
What is Love? (ASR) I wrote this being in love with someone I can't have, I was angry at love. #1154485 by Megan Mullen
Interesting piece. I like this one a lot. I was once asked to define love in 100 words and failed ceremoniously; you have had a real good shot at defining it in this piece. I like the personal style of the piece, it reads like a monologue, a speech, as if you are adressing an audience. Good job.
'Love is when you'd feel the same way, even if they looked different.' - I like this point. True 'love', for me, does indeed go beyond physical attraction.
Interesting piece, it got me thinking a bit about some of the points you made, and I can relate to a lot of it through past experience.
Keep up the good work and thanks for the read.
KevG
ps. You mention in your bioblock that you like to write a whole variation of different forms, from poems to scripts. I hope you get some more pieces posted soon.
Welcome to the site, I hope you are finding your way around the community and benefitting from mixing with the abundance of friendly and selfless artists here. Don't be afraid to ask if there is anything you are unsure about.
Some comments for
A dream in a Library (E) Was it merely a dream? Or was it something stranger yet real just the same? You decide. #1157788 by TigerFan
The very first piece of advice I would give is that you could benifit from spacing the piece out a little. Adding a few blank lines at choice points in the story will really imporve the presentation of the work and make it more appealing on the eye. I'm by no means criticizing you, and was given the same advice myself when first posting my material. The benefit of this is that a lot more people will be willing to read your work, as there are many who struggle to read large unbroken sections of text on a computer monitor.
I like the story, you do a good job of depicting the bizarre things which occur in our dreams,
Comments/Suggestions
'I was sitting at a table in the library reading a book when a terrible little schnook began to make a terrible racket.' - perhaps you could change one of the instances of 'terrible' to another word.
'I told her about the little schnook and she said, “don’t tell me(,) tell the child’s mother! I have no time for this nonsense!”' - You could perhaps throw in a comma where I suggested. The points in the story where there are characters speaking are the best parts to insert a blank line. This gives the new speaker a fresh paragraph to introduce themselves, and also gives the reader a short respite.
'I found my way to a room where she was throwing books from a shelf to the floor until she found a pair of light purple books which suddenly became a pair of shoes she tried them on' - I like this part, you explain really well the sort of strange occurences that happen in dreams, when all usual physical rules cease to exist and reality seems to consist of a twisted blend of the familiar. Good job!
'Then I looked and saw her through a patio door so I opened the door and ran after her only to realize I was being chased then the librarian took my hand and said, “Run! Run if you must!” and we ran straight to the library with three women behind us.' This sentence seems a bit long-winded. Try something like this:
Then I looked and saw her through a patio door. I opened the door and ran after her, only to realize I was being chased. The librarian took my hand and said "Run! Run if you must!" We ran straight into the library with three women behind us.
Overall an enjoyable read, and something quite original. I hope the suggestions help some.
Thanks for the good read and keep up the good work.
KevG
Interesting story. I really liked how you let the reader into the relationship between the two characters, you manage to build up a good atmoshere of friendship in so very few words. Good job. Also - I didn't notice any 'taboo' word in the piece, so good job in that aspect too.
One thing that puzzled me about the story was the significance of the quilt. Why was Jane so pleased to have come across it? What did she intend to do with it? Perhaps I missed something, but this was never really explained and I came away from the story still wanting answers.
Comments/Suggestions
“What’s wrong?” I cried, my mind racing. - Good word choice, given that the story is predominantly about cars and driving. Nice tocuh.
I also liked the accent that you gave the attendant on the other side of the pohne in the Gas and Go, it adds a good authenticity to the speech.
'They was about to go. They been here all day hoping somebody would call. They was heartsick about it.'
Overall a good read and an entertaining story - despite the confusion. Thanks for entering the contest.
Cool piece, I really like pieces like this. What you write is true, a lot of the time society makes excuses for those in privileged positions when they do wrong. Just becuase an act is labelled with a diffferent word, does it make it alright?? I liked that the piece got me thinking.
I feel the message in this piece - We are all 'people' at the end of the day, and perhaps society should treat us all as equals, regardless of our influence or position in society. At the end of the day we all might get alog a little better, and the 'common man' might feel a little bit of justice.
Thanks for the interesting, thought provoking read.
Keep up the good work.
KevG
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