effect us in some way? may want to check difference between effect & afftect. I have trouble with this myself.
I think it depends on how and why we view and listen to the things we do. If we want to keep in touch with today's youth, we have to watch and listen to what they watch and listen to. It also lets us know how to explain to them where we stand on those subjects. Some kids do just listen and watch things to fit in, without it affecting them, because they were taught proper morals and responsibilities and respect.
I'm not saying that these things don't affect us. I am saying we have choices on how we let them affect us. It is part of what the gods gave all of us - free will. A child who sees these things and does not have it explained and shown by example that it is wrong won't know that it is. It's that simple.
Thank you very much for a truly thought provoking piece.
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There are some other spots where I question word choice and grammar.
No spelling mistakes detected. I believe that punctuation in poetry is up to the poet.
Nice. Very moving and definitely named correctly.
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I never feel anything is perfect, but this comes very close.
If the subject wasn't poetry, I would say that the overuse of flowery description was uncalled for. However, in poetry, the words that describe in such vivid, lasting detail are definitely what is called for.
I also like your notes at the end. Listing a link to the contest, the image itself that inspired it, and the requirements of the contest, is all very good to include. I also appreciate being thanked for reading and gives me more encouragment to leave a note, if nothing else.
Thank you for such an inspiring piece.
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Or don’t I’m me, and I’m here needs some kind of punctuation or even move the rest to the next line after don't. I don't know the form.
This is very good. I usually prefer the standard type for my own poetry, just because it is easier for me. I think I could learn more from you than I could help.
Very very good.
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Swooning in and out
Reverberating reciprocality no such word
looming about Never ending spirituality
Ringing truer still
Intoxicating electricity
Rising higher till
Abandoning mortality
Allotted nothing more
Desiring nothing less
Flying forevermore
Between the crest
Within the mind
From the spirit
Forged with time
There is no limit
Losing the lost
Gaining the found
Just like a musical
That has no sound
Peering so deep
Into the love
Crying on my knees
You answer from above
Safe here now
Retained with a seal
Didn't need to know how
Just needed to feel
This is really good with deep feelings involved, which is an essential for good poetry.
I like that it doesn't really point to any specific religion. It encompasses most.
Very nice.
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. but, I still I beg to touch his skin, to remember each curve and mark. - remove second "I".
This is very good for such a short piece. It sounds like the good start to a romance that would start in a flashback to years before, and the woman, out of some sense of what she had given up when they had taken different paths, tries to reconnect with the memory of what they had and it ultimately helping them both become human again instead of the harsh cruelness they had become.
Very nice.
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It's an interesting way to start off a story. A good way to introduce your characters.
The only thing I can possibly see wrong is the possibility of author intrusion or the characters adressing the author at some point. Also, you give away their parts in the story. That should come up as the story progresses. It's part of developing characterization.
If I was sure this was supposed to just be something for fun and not the start of a story I would probably have given it a higher rating.
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Hi.
First person is very difficult to write, but you did it well... Good Job.
my comments in blue
[ although I think that her clumsiness isn’t as feigned as she’d like you to believe. She was extremely smart, at least booksmart.
“So, what did you do to get the leader of the leader of the Wolfpak on your butt so quickly?”
“If I had an idea, I don’t think I’d be able to tell you, for your own sake. Haan is slimy, but he wouldn’t risk open confrontation with any one person unless they were a hazard to his trade business.”
“You mean smuggling ring.”] Here a heds-up as to who spoke first would be helpful. I did realize it was 'her', by the words used, but only after re-reading the line. "never cause your reader to stop and think"
[“Get us back to the surface… I have a lot to catch up on. Eight days… huh?”
“Yeah, eighty-six hours since I got your last message. You said you were going to investigate something in the Connery.”] here again, I didn't know who was speaking untill I reached "I have a lot.." possibly a bit of 'action' before the words?? ( I glanced at her and pionted up. "Get us...)
[fitting, a pair of orphans taking time to aid another, right?) As I was charged by three bums, I back pedaled into the hood of Little Galaxy and laid down on it, the contour of the windshield propping my head upright.
Kels would drive off, as if our lives depended on it,] ( 'As I was charged'... this is a new thought and should be on a line by its'self, not a continuation of the last... Kels would drive??? better (Kels drove off )
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I am hesitant to give out 5 stars, but this one almost made me. Everything is conveyed in easy to understand language and the feeling behind it is unmistakable. The friendship between these girls goes deep and will probably last forever, especially since they have shared major life changing decisions in each others' lives together.
There are no punctuation or grammar mistakes detected.
About the only thing I could say is that it is very intense. One of the girl's trying to find some humor might lighten it up, but I can't really tell you where. Some mention of the father and how he has reacted might be pertinent.
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I couldn't really determine the form of this. It seems bumpy. Just when you think you've figured out the structure, it skips like a vinyl record. Also the use of capitalization and lack of punctuation seems to not help matters.
The subject matter is excellent, and the feeling is there. I can almost catch the meaning, but not quite. The skipping gets in the way for me.
JMHO
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This is perfect!
I can't believe it is not done by the same person doing the Olympics! Did you two coordinate at all?
I have never seen a contest like this. The premise is excellent! The instructions are clear and conscise. The grammar and punctuation have no errors detected.
I am nervous about my own entry.
Kudos
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"taking up part in every inch of my existence." A little too wordy. "taking up every inch of my existence" says as much without so many words.
"it will forever be linked to yours." sounds better and more powerful as "it will be forever linked to yours"...
I like this very much. I would like to see it rewritten in an active voice. Much of it seems passive. It is still very powerful though, moving... renewing my love for the act of one vampire creating another. Bravo.
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This is a great idea for the birthday! I only looked in for a minute because I had written a few cute limericks lately, and lo and behold, one actually fit the contest!
The description is clear and conscise. There are no spelling or grammatical errors, or even typos detected.
A great contest!
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The results of this poll surprised me. I would think that most would be intimidated by case colors, unless they didn't bother to find out what they mean.
I love the answers you can give. I don't review any case colors? Must be someone new to the site.... not that I'm knocking newbies.
You might want to check the CRS. this is pushing it, but I think it would make a great erotica piece.
A bit more detail, and having her go into flashbacks off and on about why she is there, and maybe the tormentor that has captured her in the volcano coming in and taunting her with promises of release and redemption if she surrenders to what he wants, might take this in a direction that might spark ideas. Just suggestions.
This was so enticing... but you cut us off too fast.... A guy is not just going to stop at that point, unless he has total control over himself, which few have.
Needs work, but I look forward to reading the final product. much kudos.
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