Okay, I really really like the concept of this story. The idea of it is awesome. I am not going to lie to you though it needs some work. The biggest thing it needs is a good editing and cleaning up. In my opinion, this story would work better as a flash of under 1000 words. It is way to wordy. I am going to line-by-line it at least partially to give you an idea of the kind of edits I am talking about.
High above the foundations of the earth, nothing of the terrestrial world affects us up here. Surrounded by my brothers and sisters, we find peace here in the sky contrasting to that of despair and misery they hold ever so close on the ground.
Close together are my siblings, this is the highest we have ever been before. Flying, feeling the freedom that the sky holds ever so solidly. I knew it would come to this eventuallyAdverbs are great to eliminate since they seldom add anything to a sentence. but never this soon. We were once part of the grounds folk, now liberated from their restraintsI would omit this part because it is unclear and seems tacked on needlessly. The images that we saw will plague our hearts and minds forever.minds and puncture our hearts forever, at least they will mine.
The clouds grow deathlyThis is very specific are the clouds going to cause death? It sounds like overkill to me. dark overhead, the sun rays of sunshine diminished behind the blackened wall. Even so, wWe pull hold together, stronger as a unit then we are singularly.
Remembering what it was like on the land is painful, but I cannot seem to block it out. The humans screaming, always screaming but never anything worthy of a voice. Blood lined the roads casting red patterns over the footpath, washing it off was futile, it would return each by the end of the night. People did not seem to care, their faces blank from expression, no remorse held no place in their hearts, just their pure greed in their black souls.set their souls black.Maybe this caused it was this that set in motion the deterioration of my mind. I would not quite say I was clinically insane, however, I wouldn’t deny that my mind was unchanged. exactly conflict the idea that my mind is securely the same. You should decide whether are not you are going to use contractions and be consistent throughout the entire piece. In this instance you use would not and wouldn't both in the same line.
Lightning streaks across the sky, illuminating the clouds above us, greys and blacks convert into blues. There is a beauty here that cannot be found below. Shapes always appearing in the clouds, ever changing, you will never see the same figure again.Though these sentences are nice and descriptive they slow the pace and don't help to move the story along. Your goal should be for every sentence to progress the narrative. You don't want the reader to lose interest. Fear ignites in my siblings, etching it in their souls. If this storm gets worse develops any further we will be forced to return to the earth once again. Huddling closer I would use close not closer it flows better, in my opinion. together, the warmth transfers from one to the other. We know we don’t have much time. Flashing before us, lightning breaks the darkness that envelopes us.
Bitter wind rips through the middle of our little group, forcing us northward. It is futile to fight it, relinquishing all strength to the element we fly with the wind. Sleet rain rushes at us as from behind, like pins and needles piercing your essence. It is comforting somehow, Somehow it is comforting though, knowing this as our paramount hindrance contrast to that which broke the stable mind that I once had. This sentence is so confusing I really can't tell what you are trying to say with it. I would really try to make it clearer. Remember when telling a story simple is better. If there is a simple more direct way to say what you mean use it.
I was previouslyPreviously is understood. residing in a major city, I cannot remember the name, they are all the same to me, living in the gutters while the rest of the world walked on by. Humanity isn’t what it formally was. The city was drenched in shadows, thrown down by the high rises. These grey square blocks for building loomed over everything. Damp musky air wafted from the structures whenever the front door opened infusing with the smell of human and animal urine that inundates the streets. Humans have seemed to become immune to the foul odour, acting as if nothing is out of normality.
Windows shattered in the building, glass traces still seen on the footpath. Madness scratched at the edge of my mind, attacking the forces of my will threatening to break through the bounds.
I'm going to stop editing here since you get the idea. I would just be very critical when editing. If there is a more concise way to say something use it. You need to be consistent with your tenses as well as your contractions. You start out in the first paragraph using "is" then slip into using "was" I personally would stick with present tense. Remember, if a sentence doesn't move the story along or slows the pace I would delete it, no matter how pretty it sounds.
I think if you spend some time eliminating unnecessary words and consolidating phrases this will be a truly amazing story. It is a phenomenal idea for a story honestly, I wish I had thought of it myself.
Anyway, I hope you find this review helpful and not overly harsh. I think you have the basis of a great story it just needs polished. Thank you for sharing it.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
|
|
| (4.5)
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
). 
