Hi,
An interesting story. The ending was a nice twist, and I can't say I've read anything quite like this before!
To be perfectly honest, I was a bit put out because firstly, you asked me to read that little rant of yours before I came to review this, and secondly, that massive first sentence of yours was grammatically incorrect. (more on that later.)
But after wading through the rest of the story, I can definitely see how the syntax does support that lethargic pacing of the story and the surprising ending. Good full-circle wholeness ( a term one of my teachers used to describe a story that returns to a theme introduced in the very beginning); I did enjoy reading this.
Okay, before I start, I do have a couple notes that are sort of unrelated to the story.
I think this story should be rated 18+ because of the violence and also the sexual references.
Please go back and fix all the paragraph breaks. Between every paragraph, please have a line break.
Okay, onwards we go. Let's take a look at that massive first sentence of yours, first:
I stand in front of a pyramid or mound or hill or tor or crag or whatever you would like to call it thinking about all those times I wish I had done something else, but did not and now I am two thousand miles away standing in front of these huge, diabolical, sandstone erections wondering if I indeed did do the right thing in leaving her there; her full, profoundly blue eyes gleameding with hope as I boarded and pulled away on that vessel destined for seas and lakes and rivers and ports and eventually a lonely, wet grave.
Okay, a semicolon joins two INDEPENDENT clauses, which means both can stand on their own as an individual sentence. That last part, therefore, is grammatically incorrect because it cannot stand on its own. I changed it the simplest way I could, but I think it would read better if you put in "I remember" before "her full, profoundly...".
Another passage that had grammatical errors:
They are not dry, but are not or sweaty. I stare at her hands for a few moments admiring them before I realizeing what I am doing and slide the lighter from between her fingers flirtingly, stroking her fingers in the process. She breathes deeply and averts her eyes to her left, my right, where an old man is standing outside of his apartment, smoking a tobacco pipe that is probably not tobacco at all; I pick up my cigarette and light it even though I do not feel like smoking any longer, but ; I do not want to be ungrateful toward the sweet girl.
A couple errors with commas; the last sentence was just awkwardly worded.
“You, um, have a, how do you say it… certain… way about you,” she says questioningly, as if asking me to make sure that if she is saying the correct words.
Like I said before, I think the convoluted prose does work, but if your overdo it... This was one of the spots where it sounded overdone. The dialogue punctuation was a bit off, too.
Okay, I hope that was helpful.
--emerin |
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Make it more attractive! Add balloons, hearts, stars, etc. If you need a custom-made sig for this contest, there are plenty of sig shops in WDC; I would also be willing to make one for you, too, but my sigs aren't too good. lol.
Ask for donations! There are many generous people on WDC; someone is bound to give you a hand 
You've developed your own personal voice that is impressive and touching through your words. Good!
You have an interesting rhyme scheme going on. First it was in AABBCC....then at the end, you switched to ABAB. To make that switch more dramatic, I would do this: