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Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1301515 Unavailable **



Hello!


This is my last review (for now *Smile*), but I really enjoyed sifting through your portfolio. You have many beautiful pieces. *Laugh*

This particular poem is full of lovely imagery. I could really imagine what you were seeing at the moment!

The only suggestion I would have is to consider not using so much punctuation. I think it hinders the flow of this piece.


Thank you for your consideration!


--Emerin



** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **
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Review of Time Puzzle  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1301515 Unavailable **



Hello!


I really liked this poem. I think it's short and to the point, and carries your wonder and your message across nicely.

The formatting and writing mL is used to enhance this piece.

I especially liked the first stanza for its interesting figurative language.

I do, however, have a few suggestions for improvement.

I think in the second to last line, the colon is unnecessary.

Also consider playing around with capitalization. There's no need to capitalize the first letter of every line. It helps visually. *Smile*



Thank you for your consideration!


--Emerin



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Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1301515 Unavailable **



Hello!

What a beautiful piece explaining your thoughts. Your words have an almost melodic quality to it and I can sense your concern and thought throughout.

I do, however, have a couple suggestions for improvement. *Smile*


Just a thought, or better: feeling.

Missing a period here!


I conclude Concluding this, without any bitterness, where my personal life is concerned, but with a lot of anger and hurt for what happens to other women.

This is a fragment, so I would change it as shown.

Hope this helps!

Thank you for sharing this piece with me.



Thank you for your consideration!


--Emerin



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Review of CHARLY'S GIFT  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
Hello,

Interesting piece. I think you have a good idea that is hindered by the grammatical mistakes scattered throughout this piece.

The item title, for instance, should be Charly's Gift, not Charly's Gift.


I'm not going to go point out every single error, but I would like to go in-depth with one that I see recurring a lot: diaologue grammar.

Please be very, very careful with this. You used it incorrectly often.

Consider this example.

“Can we go for a walk?” she asked.
new line.
“Sure, where to?” I replied.
new line.
“I want to go to the playground.”[.]
new line.
“Are you sure," was my response.

You've used this same sort of pattern of mistake many, many times. Please go back and fix them.

So notes:

“I don’t think your crazy,” I intoned.
new line.
“That’s because you don’t know me,” she replied.

-- Remember that before the "I said" or "she said" part, also called the tag, one MUST have a comma before it INSIDE the quotation marks. Punctuation does not go outside of the quotation marks, a mistake you made many, many times.


Just fixing the dialogue will help this piece feel less unprofessional and childish. As of now it reads choppily and the material is hard to take seriously because of the serious grammatical shortcomings.

If you ever take the time to revise, I would be more than happy to change the rating.

Happy writing!

--Emerin
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230
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello!

Thank you for requesting a review at
 Summer Review Forum  (E)
REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli
.

Your requests are always appreciated because they give us the chance to read works we might not have found on our own.

This is an interesting idea, and an interesting story. However, it suffers because of the grammatical errors sprinkled throughout. Please look over my comments and make the changes I suggest. If you do so, I would be more than happy to change the rating.


Please paragraph break. Every time you switch speakers in dialogue, there needs to be a break.

“Breaking News!” exclaimed the News reporter. “An unidentified ship was seen to explode quite unexpectedly in the northern seas! Bert Snidel, a local fisherman, saw the whole thing happen and, somehow managed to be filming at the time.”
New paragraph.
“Well I was just standing over there watching ‘n’ filmin’ the sea, ‘n’ then this ‘uge ship come to view. I wos wotchin’ it fer a while ‘n’ then su’enly it just explodes!” said the fisherman.
“And this is the clip filmed of the explosion.[:]” Who says this last line? It's not clear.

“Yes Cap’n,[.]” replied the man named Zori royally.

Comma, not period. The second part of this sentence (...'replied the man...') cannot stand alone as a sentence.

“I can’ believe we got away with takin’ this beaut,” said the captain, indicating the huge tanker.[,] “Practically no security, although I do feel for those guys where guarding the ship. Gave ‘em a bit of a rough time, didn’ ya Doug?” he said, roaring with laughter.

“Tonight we celebrate!” roared the captain, “tomorrow we mine!”


“OH D*MN,” he roared as the cigarette landed in a tank of oil.


Hope this helps.

Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!

--Emerin


** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **

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Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello!

Thank you for requesting a review at
 Summer Review Forum  (E)
REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli
.

Your requests are always appreciated because they give us the chance to read works we might not have found on our own.


An interesting piece.

The introduction starts with the image of the main character, Larat. This piece is categorized as 'fantasy', and we get that feel as in a world that is completely new. We get the feel of 'magic' with the litash metal, but it isn't fully explained in this piece.

You've definitely created a sense of conflict in this piece, and you noted that you wanted to make this as clear as possible.

I think one of the main problems with this piece are the grammatical mistakes that reign throughout.

I'm not going to point out every single mistake, but here are some that I noticed as I read through.


The town’s library, certainly one of the larger libraries in the southern reaches of the expanding Empire, had been notified of its impending doom as by? the first wave of soldiers had passed through.

You used 'certainly' in the sentence before; it sounds repetitive. 'As' doesn't sound right, and this statement causes some confusion, too. So soldiers had already been there? Then why didn't they burn it then?

Pulling the small latch on the door, he gently pulled it open and stepped inside.

Repetitive. Consider: 'He gently pulled the small latch on the door to open it and stepped inside'.

An isle aisle led straight across the room[,] to a desk at the opposite end of the library. On both sides of this isle aisle were a dozen shelves reaching an arm span over Larat’s head, a dozen to each side.

Okay, I don't think you meant an island here. Aisle, not isle. Comma unnecessary. Dangling modifier: place it in front of the noun you want to modify instead.

Slowly, he walked down the center of the building, salvaging savoring the moment, as it would be the last he spent in his home.

Salvaging makes no sense in this context. I'm guessing you mean 'savoring.'

He placed the metal in the bowl of liquid, and watched as it began to sizzle;, and Bubbles began forming and breaking the surface of the liquid.

Semicolon would be more appropriate here.


General Notes:

- Watch your capitalization of the word 'Empire'. Either always capitalize, or don't capitalize at all.

- Dialogue grammar. Erk! *Smile* I'm going to give you a few examples just to help you out a bit. Please be careful with this; inconsistencies in dialogue punctuation is the first and most obvious sign of a novice writer.

“Litash,” he murmured, picking up the small chunk of metal.

You can't NOT have some punctuation mark before the closing quotation mark.

“We have come to purge the village of Gebaris of the lies brought forth by your books, keeper. And I had thought Larat, the keeper of this building, would be older than you, boy,” the soldier said.

Same note.

“I’m afraid that you are burning down my home,[.]” he said to the lieutenant. “We can’t have that, can we?[.]”

Look at the phrase not in quotation marks, starting with 'he said..." That cannot be considered a sentence on its own, so there needs to be a comma instead of a period. The last part of the quote is a question, not a statement.


The lieutenant tilted his head questioningly as he stared at Larat. “What are you mumbling about, boy?”

Right after this, you need a new paragraph.

“Before this is over, lieutenant, I would know your name.”

“I will answer none of your questions, keeper of nothing.”

The lieutenant looked at Larat.[,] “The empire will crush you,” he whispered.

“He would not give me his name,” he said to those around him.

Get the pattern? The mistakes don't stop here; they all need to be fixed.

As of now, this piece needs a lot of work. If you, however, decide to make the changes I have suggested, feel free to contact me and I would be more than happy to change the rating.

Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!

--Emerin


** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **

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Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

Interesting start to a novel. I enjoyed reading this.

I do, however, have a few suggestions.

Consider putting spaces between all the paragraphs just so that the piece is visually more attractive. It's easy for the eye to get lost the way it is now. *Laugh*

He awoke to a morning twilight of eerie noises and bitter cold; from a dream, half-forgotten, of a river in flood, rushing waters, cries for help, a fall and a bang to his head.

I'm not sure a semicolon is appropriate here.

As he pursued his downwards path towards the anticipated stream, a need for survival took over, urging him to put one foot mechanically in front of the other.

I believe there should be a comma here.

The woman wore a simple light-brown cloak with a rope tied around her waist.

Is that all she wore? *Laugh* I thought cloaks were outer garments.

“She is the wicked wizard and sister to the good wizard Tobin.”

Period necessary.


Hope this helps! Oh, and welcome to WDC! *Smile*

--Em


** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **

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Review of Pas de Deux  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello!

A short but emotional piece. I enjoyed reading this.

I do, however, have a couple suggestions for improvement.

Please space all your paragraphs. *Smile* Just a line break between them will help the reader visually.

Also, I think the number of parentheses for this sort of a piece is unnecessary, and the double parentheses is definitely unnecessary. Commas work just as well. *Smile* You shouldn't have to resort to brackets.

We’re devil's playthings, are we?

Apostrophe, I think, is necessary.


Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!

--Emerin


** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **

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Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello!

Thank you for entering
The Unofficial Fantasy Contest (CLOSED)  (ASR)
Contest is currently closed.
#1258547 by The Messenger
.


What a suspenseful piece! This kept me on the seat of my chair the entire time. I like the idea of the flashback, and the memories, but felt that maybe that entire sequence should be italicized.

Also, I like the fact that you put in some formatting, but I really think the font color should be black; this white-gray is really hard to read.

Also be careful with dialogue grammar.

“I am with you, Lewin,[.]” he said to him strongly.

The latter part: "he said to him strongly", cannot stand alone as a sentence; therefore, it needs to be connected to the main phrase with a comma. The same rule applies throughout.

Hope this helps!


Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!

--Emerin


P.S. We just opened up Round Four, and there's no prompt! *Smile*

** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **

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Review of Bacon  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!

Thank you for entering
The Unofficial Fantasy Contest (CLOSED)  (ASR)
Contest is currently closed.
#1258547 by The Messenger
.

This piece made me laugh! It's a bit of a satire/comedy, which is something I don't see a lot with fantasy.

I do have a couple suggestions.

Consider italicizing the dream sequence in the beginning, just to make it stand out. Normally I would advise against opening with one because it's so cliche, but this is a comedy so it's alright.

But what's not alright is your continually switching tense. Please try to stick to just one throughout. For example:

That night, Bob dreamt more about Bacon, but he can could never seem to get close enough to eat it before something else does did.

The first verb is past, the rest must be also.

Hope this helps!

Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!

--Emerin


P.S. We just opened up Round Four, and there's no prompt! *Smile*

** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **


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Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello!

Thank you for entering
The Unofficial Fantasy Contest (CLOSED)  [ASR]
Contest is currently closed.
by The Messenger
.

We appreciate all your entries, and hope to see you again in future rounds!



What a gripping story! You kept me interested the entire time, and I think you did a fantastic job building the suspense. The alternations between the flashbacks and the actual fight were nicely executed.

I do, however, have a couple notes for improvement.

Whenever - should be one word Ranlt takes took a small, superficial hit, he would grunt away the pain,[;] and maybe even allow a small wince.

Watch your tense. Semicolons can be used only to connect two independent clauses. This basically means both parts of a sentence connected by semicolons must be able to stand alone.

But who will you choose to save?[.] Your sweet mother or your brave father?[.]

I think it's more appropriate like that.


Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!

--Emerin


P.S. Round Four is now in session, and there's no prompt... *Smile*

** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **
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Review of Happiness  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Emily_Sian ,

This poem is short and sweet. I enjoyed reading it because it isn't overburdened with words. It gets its point across quite well. *Smile*

I do, however, have a couple suggestions for improvement.

Consider putting item genres on this poem. This will create more exposure because it'll pop up on WDC for every genre you put. I think Personal :: Philosophy :: Emotional would fit nicely.

Also consider playing with capitalization. The first letter of every line doesn't need to be capitalized, and I think you could play with the visual space of this piece a bit more by considering the capitalization.


Okay, best of luck!

Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!

--Emerin

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1289992 by Not Available.
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Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

What an interesting piece! I like what you've done with the classic Arthurian legend, and how you've made it your own.

Narrative-wise, I think you did a good job in creating a cohesive piece that makes sense; the pacing was good and I followed the action throughout.

You also did a good job building your characters without having the lengthy passages describing everything about them, which is definitely a plus. *Smile*

I do, however, have a few notes for improvement.

Consider this passage:

The well-trained mount had gotten no chance{/} never got the chance to lead the monster anywhere near the sharpened log trap she'd painstakingly set outside, and she herself had barely avoided being cooked by the infernal flame.
new paragraph
"This is a total disaster!" she said, spreading her hands. "said" doesn't seem appropriate here. How about "exclaimed" or "yelled"? "I've got no horse, no shield"--smashed into useless splinters early on during the fight--"no lance"--broken in the dragon's death throes after being plunged into its eye--"and I'm wounded besides. And what do we have to show for it?[!]" I would stay away from these. I know that other established authors do use them, but as a rule of thumb publishers don't like it. *Smile* Better safe than sorry.

"Besides, like you said, it's only a scratch." I think there should be a comma here.

Though they walked on, Mildy's wound throbbing like a stake in her side, it was impossible to avoid the elements slowing them downbeing slowed by the elements , and they found themselves traveling for a fourth day. Try to eliminate unnecessary passive verbs, like in this instance.

Okay, I hope this helps! Best of luck!

--Emerin

** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **

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Review of Summer Camp  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Dave,

Just stopping by your portfolio! *Smile*

What an interesting story. I really did enjoy reading it. It read almost like an expository description to me without too much plot, but I think in this case that's okay. *Smile*

The narrative was clear and straight-forward; I as the reader did not have to try to guess what you were trying to say. The formatting also complemented the piece and helped it to stand out on the page.

Now, my only nitpicking would be the amount of passive verbs you use in this piece. I know that it is descriptive, but I still feel that you could use less of forms of 'to be' only because they bog down prose and slow narrative. Here's an example:

The entrance to the camp could be seen twenty yards or so down the road. It was marked by an old wooden plank sign that read "Lutheran Brotherhood Campground."

Could be...

I could see the entrance to the camp, marked by an old wooden plank sign that read "Lutheran Brotherhood Campground" twenty yards down the road.


You can probably come up with an even better way to say it. *Smile* But can you see how my version is more concise?


I hope this helps! Thank you for your consideration!

Happy Writing!

--Emerin
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Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi,

Thank you for requesting a review at
 Summer Review Forum  (E)
REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli
.

What an interesting poem! I think you've done a good job playing with the visual space as well as your words to create the effect. I like the step effect, and feel that it works well to enhance the rhythm.

The capitalization seems deliberate, and I can tell you have put some thought into it.

Although I did enjoy this, I do have a few suggestions.

I noticed that there is a comma after almost every single line. Is this on purpose? For a piece so dependent on the visual appearance, the commas almost hinder the flow of the piece. I think I would prefer to see less of them.

With all of these things you fit right in.

I felt the piece flowed better without that syllable.

Popes pull bulls like[s] rabbits out of a hat.

I don't think that 's' should be there.


Other than my little nitpickings, I think the overall message of this piece was strong and powerful. Good job! Thank you for the enjoyable read.

--Emerin
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Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi C. J. Sayer ,

Thank you for requesting a review from
 Summer Review Forum  (E)
REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli


What an interesting piece!

First Impressions:

I noticed that this piece is not formatted as pieces usually are. We normally put spaces between all the paragraphs, like I am doing here in this review, so that pieces are easier to read and not so hard on the eyes.

I would also limit a bit the amount of space you have in the very beginning of this piece. It's a bit of a put-off to have to scroll through that, and it really isn't necessary.

Nit-pickings:

This piece was just sprinkled with grammatical errors. You definitely need to go back and proofread once more. I won't go through and list them all, but here are some.

As he ran and ran, feet pounding up the stairs, he could still hear the cry’s cries and shouts from below deeper in the tower.
Large bangs and the sounds of explosions were audible and the walls were occasionally shivering shivered occasionally, dislodging dust and mortar upon his head. no new line The next bang made the whole building rumble and shake, causing him to fall over.

Do you see how these little errors could contribute this piece seeming sloppier?

His sword fell from his hand, clattering back down the steps . . .

Okay, this is a recurring trend. When there is a gerund (something ending in -ing), and that gerund phrase modifies the subject of the sentence, which in this case would be 'sword', there needs to be a comma before the gerund. Whew! A general rule of thumb is to stick a comma before that extra phrase.

A couple more examples...

Quickly leaping, he covered the space and knelt down to grab the blade.

Same rule. If you put the gerund before, you still need the comma.

Story-wise, you have a strong plot going. The narrative is clear and comprehensible, and you have done a good job creating a sense of suspense. However, the grammatical errors do belittle your piece because they give this an amateurish feel. But that's not really too much of a problem! With a little proofreading, this should be fantastic.

Keep up the great work! I hope this review helps.

--Emerin
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Review of Poems  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

Thank you for requesting a review at
 Summer Review Forum  (E)
REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli


An interesting collection of poems. Thank you for sharing these with me. I enjoyed reading them.

I did feel, however, that the introduction to this folder was a bit abrupt and mean, almost. If you don't care about the reader's opinions, why ask others to read them at all?

Also, as it is, this folder is plain. Perhaps some colors and other fonts, or even an image would spruce things up.

Another suggestion: have you considered titling the Poem by Andrea? It is really quite lovely.

I hope this helps!

--Emerin
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Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

Thank you for requesting a review from
 Summer Review Forum  (E)
REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli
.

Although the rules do state a limit of two requests a week, I'll go ahead and read the first two pieces your requested.

What an interesting story! You've obviously drawn from various sources of mythology to weave your own tale, and the concept of the gods playing a game that mirrors actions on an earth is not a new one. I am interested to see what you will do with this idea.

You introduce a lot of new characters, and to be perfectly honest, I don't know if I'll remember them all. The names are a bit outlandish, and it may take a little more reading to truly get used to them.

Story-wise, I understood what was going on. The action is clear and the narrative is easy to understand.

The setting was also good. I think you did a good job balancing too much and too little. *Smile*

I do, however, have a few pointers.

1. Be very careful with passive verb usage. Especially in fantasy and sci-fi stories, passive verbs often slow narrative and lead to clunky and wordy prose. Try to limit your usage of them as much as possible.

Here's one example:

Dark mahogany tables, beautifully carved with ornate figures of the land below, were surrounded by chairs made of precious cherry, a plush silk cushion adorning each.

Could be...

Chairs made of precious cherry, each wit a plush silk cushion, surrounded dark mahogany tables beautifully carved with ornate figures of the land below.

Another example:

Elohim's commanding figure and was a commanding figure, his whole essence emanated life, for his power was contained within the body.

Just a few ways you could possibly take out passive verbs.

A few spots...

The lesser immortals it seemed, who had used a touch of their magic to bring the inanimate object to life.

This sentence didn't really make sense before. Is this what you meant?

His eloquently long face supported a thin nose and thin lips, his eyes slightly slanted, giving him an almost exotic appearance,and though his slanted eyes gave him an exotic appearance, but his appearance he was far from unusual for this hall.

This sentence read awkwardly. Be very careful with verbosity. Some of your sentences are just so full of adverbs and adjectives that we hardly catch the meaning of them all. For instance, try to stay away from words like "almost" or "nearly". They bog down prose, and if something is "almost" like something else, but isn't quite, why say it at all? Also, try not to use the same word twice in one sentence. "Appearance" shouldn't be used twice.



Okay, I hope this helps! With a little pruning, I think this piece could be a lot better. Go back and try to see where you can take out words! Concise is the way to go. *Smile*

--Emerin
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Review of Two Poems  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

gar57 has gifted you three poetry reviews!

Thank you for sharing your poem. You include some lovely axioms and phrases that describe your sense on life and life's goals. I enjoyed reading this piece.

I especially liked the first two lines.

Overall, I think the rhyme scheme worked very well. The rhythm, however, felt a bit off for me in the last two lines.

Fly like the joyous dove
Reach for the stars above.

Unlike the other lines, these only have six syllables. While it doesn't make a WHOLE lot of difference, after sticking with a fairly rigid pattern, the reader notices the difference and the flow jars.

Consider:

Flying like the joyous dove
Reaching for the stars above.

I hope this helps! Thank you for sharing this poem. I really enjoyed reading it.

--Emerin
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Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi ~WhoMe???~ ,

I really have enjoyed sifting through your portfolio. This is a cute poem, with a rhyme scheme that really works. Surprisingly, the repetition works, too, which is rare for me. Generally, I don't like that kind of stuff. *Smile*

However, I noticed that the second time, the last line was a bit different, and I think it flows better the second time around with the extra syllable.

Has opened up a new trend

I feel this line fits into the rhythm scheme better without the "up".

A pot a day then some more

Same note.

Sipping silently while reading

The flow is better with this extra syllable.


Okay, hope this helps!

Thank you for sharing this piece. I have sincerely enjoyed going through your portfolio.

--Emerin
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Review of Shadow Detective  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi ~WhoMe???~ ,

Ooh. Partially true. That item description just grabbed me, and this story did, too. I love the repetition at the end.

You have some fantastic material here, as I have said before. With a little fine-tuning, this should be even better!

Especially in a story as fast-paced as this, action verbs are important. Passive verbs slow down narrative, and that's the last thing you want to do in this type of piece. Take these example:

Something was amiss. She was a heavy sleeper, yet something had rattled her senses enough for her to be make her instantly awake and alert.

It had been She suffered a hectic day at work. Two people hadn’t shown up, leaving them very short-handed. By the time she got off, she was felt totally exhausted, and had forgotten all about the night before.

These are just examples of what you could POSSIBLY do. I'm sure you could come up with something even better to change passive verbs into action verbs.

Overall, a enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing!

--Emerin
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Review of So Far Gone  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi ~WhoMe???~ ,

What a thought-provoking and deep piece! You let the reader see deep into your mind without crossing over to the sappy side. *Smile* I enjoyed reading this.

I do, however, have some suggestions.

A couple grammar pointers:

Sometimes I sit and wonder, staring off into nothingness, trying to grasp the bigger picture of me and who I am. I wouldn't say I am happy with mynospaceself and what I have become, but then I could be a whole lot worse.

Again, watch the passive verbs. I feel like you overuse them sometimes, and that the story would flow much smoother without the redundancies that come from using passive verbs all the time.

Example:

So I began working out. For two weeks I was exercising exercised to Billy Blanks Tae-bo DVD’s every day, and then hikeding once a week as well. This had gone on for two weeks.

Do you see how this says the same thing in a smaller amount of words? Of course, you may not like the changes I made, but I hope you will consider varying the types of verbs you use. *Smile*

Overall a pleasurable read. Thank you for sharing.

--Emerin
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Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

What a cute and lovely read! I can understand your embarrassment perfectly.

A few suggestions:

I did feel that this should be formatted with spaces between the paragraphs.

I also felt that less passive verb usage would benefit this piece. Almost every sentence contained one, and after a while this felt a bit redundant.

It was a beautiful spring day. The greenhouse had been up and running for a week or so now. Everyone had beenbuying flowers to plant out in their yards. The store had been very busy with the added business of the greenhouse.


Overall, this was a very enjoyable read. You packed a lot into 250 words!

Thank you for sharing this piece.

--Emerin
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249
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

Thank you for requesting a review at:

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#1213582 by emerin-liseli


What an interesting piece! It has a sort of "story-telling" feel to it, an old-style myth, that is refreshing. The audience is directly addressed ("You can understand what happened next").

I noticed that you listed this piece as "other". Consider adding in more genre types; it'll just lead to more exposure for this piece. *Smile*

A couple of grammar/formatting related points:

After a line of dialogue, you must start a new paragraph. Example:

. . . Now nobody was moving anywhere because the "clouds" were of equal strength. Finally the dragon yelled, "Stop this nonsense! We will decide this by war!"
new paragraph
The dragon and two bushy eyed monsters let go of the asteroid belt. The chameleon, caterpillar, and unicorn kept pushing on it.

Careful of "it's" versus "its".

You see, the dragon and the two bushy eyed monsters were out to destroy the earth and it's its inhabitants.

Also watch out for wordiness and redundancies.

There was A cloud shaped like an eel that came in on the dragon's side. Another was while a lion arrived on the other side and who started fighting the eel.

This passage makes more sense with a little tweaking.

Overall, this was a highly amusing piece to read. Thank you so much for sharing it with me.

--Emerin
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Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Steven,

Again, another interesting installment. You introduce new characters that, although not immediately likable, are intriguing.

Plot-wise, I have no problem with this piece. It's suspenseful, and flows well.

I think you need to put a line of space when the dialogue speaker changes. I see this problem only in the "previous installment" bit, which, in my humble opinion, isn't really necessary. I would provide a link to the Prologue, but that's it. *Smile*

My main nitpicking lesson of the day will be on commas.

Recurring Problem Number One:

“That’s enough, Julia,” the teacher said, addressing the girl in the back.

Rule of thumb: after a verb and before a fragment starting with a gerund (something that starts with -ing) a comma will be necessary.

Example:

The girl stopped, breathing heavily.

He yelled, waving his arms.

You wouldn't use it, however, like this:

She began running. No comma.

Make sense?

Recurring Problem Number Two:

Dialogue grammar. Okay, here you're using too MANY commas.

“What goes for Twin A also goes for Twin B, Dan,” the teacher said, smirking. The boy slunk back into his seat away from his twin sister. Turning his attention back to the rest of the class, the teacher said, “There, now that we’ve had our input from the Twins Andrews,” at this both Julia and Dan blushed slightly, “I will not discount that it is possible for us to have a snow day tomorrow. We live off of Lake Erie for the Lord’s sake!” With this comment the teacher crossed himself quickly before continuing, “But you need to prepare to be here, I will not show mercy.” At that the bell rang.[,] “Class dismissed.”

Okay, that last sentence: no comma unless you mean the bell literally rang the words "class dismissed."

The first example, I added "the teacher said" because you can't just have a gerundial modifier (same problem as before) and go straight into dialogue without making it a fragment. However, you could also do it like this:

He turned his attention back to the class. "

Here, the period is also used.


Sorry for all this grammatical nitpicking, but I see those problems happening over and over again throughout this piece. I'm not going to list every single one for you, so please comb this again. *Smile*

The plus side: the story is great, which isn't something I could easily tell you to change. At least for grammar, all you gotta do is make quick changes!

Good job!

--Emerin
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