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Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello!

Thank you for requesting a review at
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REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
.

Your requests are always appreciated because they give us the chance to read works we might not have found on our own.


An interesting piece.

The introduction starts with the image of the main character, Larat. This piece is categorized as 'fantasy', and we get that feel as in a world that is completely new. We get the feel of 'magic' with the litash metal, but it isn't fully explained in this piece.

You've definitely created a sense of conflict in this piece, and you noted that you wanted to make this as clear as possible.

I think one of the main problems with this piece are the grammatical mistakes that reign throughout.

I'm not going to point out every single mistake, but here are some that I noticed as I read through.


The town’s library, certainly one of the larger libraries in the southern reaches of the expanding Empire, had been notified of its impending doom as by? the first wave of soldiers had passed through.

You used 'certainly' in the sentence before; it sounds repetitive. 'As' doesn't sound right, and this statement causes some confusion, too. So soldiers had already been there? Then why didn't they burn it then?

Pulling the small latch on the door, he gently pulled it open and stepped inside.

Repetitive. Consider: 'He gently pulled the small latch on the door to open it and stepped inside'.

An isle aisle led straight across the room[,] to a desk at the opposite end of the library. On both sides of this isle aisle were a dozen shelves reaching an arm span over Larat’s head, a dozen to each side.

Okay, I don't think you meant an island here. Aisle, not isle. Comma unnecessary. Dangling modifier: place it in front of the noun you want to modify instead.

Slowly, he walked down the center of the building, salvaging savoring the moment, as it would be the last he spent in his home.

Salvaging makes no sense in this context. I'm guessing you mean 'savoring.'

He placed the metal in the bowl of liquid, and watched as it began to sizzle;, and Bubbles began forming and breaking the surface of the liquid.

Semicolon would be more appropriate here.


General Notes:

- Watch your capitalization of the word 'Empire'. Either always capitalize, or don't capitalize at all.

- Dialogue grammar. Erk! *Smile* I'm going to give you a few examples just to help you out a bit. Please be careful with this; inconsistencies in dialogue punctuation is the first and most obvious sign of a novice writer.

“Litash,” he murmured, picking up the small chunk of metal.

You can't NOT have some punctuation mark before the closing quotation mark.

“We have come to purge the village of Gebaris of the lies brought forth by your books, keeper. And I had thought Larat, the keeper of this building, would be older than you, boy,” the soldier said.

Same note.

“I’m afraid that you are burning down my home,[.]” he said to the lieutenant. “We can’t have that, can we?[.]”

Look at the phrase not in quotation marks, starting with 'he said..." That cannot be considered a sentence on its own, so there needs to be a comma instead of a period. The last part of the quote is a question, not a statement.


The lieutenant tilted his head questioningly as he stared at Larat. “What are you mumbling about, boy?”

Right after this, you need a new paragraph.

“Before this is over, lieutenant, I would know your name.”

“I will answer none of your questions, keeper of nothing.”

The lieutenant looked at Larat.[,] “The empire will crush you,” he whispered.

“He would not give me his name,” he said to those around him.

Get the pattern? The mistakes don't stop here; they all need to be fixed.

As of now, this piece needs a lot of work. If you, however, decide to make the changes I have suggested, feel free to contact me and I would be more than happy to change the rating.

Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!

--Emerin


** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **

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Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

Interesting start to a novel. I enjoyed reading this.

I do, however, have a few suggestions.

Consider putting spaces between all the paragraphs just so that the piece is visually more attractive. It's easy for the eye to get lost the way it is now. *Laugh*

He awoke to a morning twilight of eerie noises and bitter cold; from a dream, half-forgotten, of a river in flood, rushing waters, cries for help, a fall and a bang to his head.

I'm not sure a semicolon is appropriate here.

As he pursued his downwards path towards the anticipated stream, a need for survival took over, urging him to put one foot mechanically in front of the other.

I believe there should be a comma here.

The woman wore a simple light-brown cloak with a rope tied around her waist.

Is that all she wore? *Laugh* I thought cloaks were outer garments.

“She is the wicked wizard and sister to the good wizard Tobin.”

Period necessary.


Hope this helps! Oh, and welcome to WDC! *Smile*

--Em


** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **

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Review of Pas de Deux  Open in new Window.
Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello!

A short but emotional piece. I enjoyed reading this.

I do, however, have a couple suggestions for improvement.

Please space all your paragraphs. *Smile* Just a line break between them will help the reader visually.

Also, I think the number of parentheses for this sort of a piece is unnecessary, and the double parentheses is definitely unnecessary. Commas work just as well. *Smile* You shouldn't have to resort to brackets.

We’re devil's playthings, are we?

Apostrophe, I think, is necessary.


Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!

--Emerin


** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **

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Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello!

Thank you for entering
The Unofficial Fantasy Contest (CLOSED) Open in new Window. (ASR)
Contest is currently closed.
#1258547 by The Messenger Author IconMail Icon
.


What a suspenseful piece! This kept me on the seat of my chair the entire time. I like the idea of the flashback, and the memories, but felt that maybe that entire sequence should be italicized.

Also, I like the fact that you put in some formatting, but I really think the font color should be black; this white-gray is really hard to read.

Also be careful with dialogue grammar.

“I am with you, Lewin,[.]” he said to him strongly.

The latter part: "he said to him strongly", cannot stand alone as a sentence; therefore, it needs to be connected to the main phrase with a comma. The same rule applies throughout.

Hope this helps!


Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!

--Emerin


P.S. We just opened up Round Four, and there's no prompt! *Smile*

** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **

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Review of Bacon  Open in new Window.
Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!

Thank you for entering
The Unofficial Fantasy Contest (CLOSED) Open in new Window. (ASR)
Contest is currently closed.
#1258547 by The Messenger Author IconMail Icon
.

This piece made me laugh! It's a bit of a satire/comedy, which is something I don't see a lot with fantasy.

I do have a couple suggestions.

Consider italicizing the dream sequence in the beginning, just to make it stand out. Normally I would advise against opening with one because it's so cliche, but this is a comedy so it's alright.

But what's not alright is your continually switching tense. Please try to stick to just one throughout. For example:

That night, Bob dreamt more about Bacon, but he can could never seem to get close enough to eat it before something else does did.

The first verb is past, the rest must be also.

Hope this helps!

Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!

--Emerin


P.S. We just opened up Round Four, and there's no prompt! *Smile*

** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **


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Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello!

Thank you for entering
The Unofficial Fantasy Contest (CLOSED) Open in new Window. [ASR]
Contest is currently closed.
by The Messenger Author Icon
.

We appreciate all your entries, and hope to see you again in future rounds!



What a gripping story! You kept me interested the entire time, and I think you did a fantastic job building the suspense. The alternations between the flashbacks and the actual fight were nicely executed.

I do, however, have a couple notes for improvement.

Whenever - should be one word Ranlt takes took a small, superficial hit, he would grunt away the pain,[;] and maybe even allow a small wince.

Watch your tense. Semicolons can be used only to connect two independent clauses. This basically means both parts of a sentence connected by semicolons must be able to stand alone.

But who will you choose to save?[.] Your sweet mother or your brave father?[.]

I think it's more appropriate like that.


Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!

--Emerin


P.S. Round Four is now in session, and there's no prompt... *Smile*

** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **
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Review of Happiness  Open in new Window.
Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Emily_Sian Author IconMail Icon,

This poem is short and sweet. I enjoyed reading it because it isn't overburdened with words. It gets its point across quite well. *Smile*

I do, however, have a couple suggestions for improvement.

Consider putting item genres on this poem. This will create more exposure because it'll pop up on WDC for every genre you put. I think Personal :: Philosophy :: Emotional would fit nicely.

Also consider playing with capitalization. The first letter of every line doesn't need to be capitalized, and I think you could play with the visual space of this piece a bit more by considering the capitalization.


Okay, best of luck!

Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!

--Emerin

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#1289992 by Not Available.
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Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

What an interesting piece! I like what you've done with the classic Arthurian legend, and how you've made it your own.

Narrative-wise, I think you did a good job in creating a cohesive piece that makes sense; the pacing was good and I followed the action throughout.

You also did a good job building your characters without having the lengthy passages describing everything about them, which is definitely a plus. *Smile*

I do, however, have a few notes for improvement.

Consider this passage:

The well-trained mount had gotten no chance{/} never got the chance to lead the monster anywhere near the sharpened log trap she'd painstakingly set outside, and she herself had barely avoided being cooked by the infernal flame.
new paragraph
"This is a total disaster!" she said, spreading her hands. "said" doesn't seem appropriate here. How about "exclaimed" or "yelled"? "I've got no horse, no shield"--smashed into useless splinters early on during the fight--"no lance"--broken in the dragon's death throes after being plunged into its eye--"and I'm wounded besides. And what do we have to show for it?[!]" I would stay away from these. I know that other established authors do use them, but as a rule of thumb publishers don't like it. *Smile* Better safe than sorry.

"Besides, like you said, it's only a scratch." I think there should be a comma here.

Though they walked on, Mildy's wound throbbing like a stake in her side, it was impossible to avoid the elements slowing them downbeing slowed by the elements , and they found themselves traveling for a fourth day. Try to eliminate unnecessary passive verbs, like in this instance.

Okay, I hope this helps! Best of luck!

--Emerin

** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **

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Review of Summer Camp  Open in new Window.
Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Dave,

Just stopping by your portfolio! *Smile*

What an interesting story. I really did enjoy reading it. It read almost like an expository description to me without too much plot, but I think in this case that's okay. *Smile*

The narrative was clear and straight-forward; I as the reader did not have to try to guess what you were trying to say. The formatting also complemented the piece and helped it to stand out on the page.

Now, my only nitpicking would be the amount of passive verbs you use in this piece. I know that it is descriptive, but I still feel that you could use less of forms of 'to be' only because they bog down prose and slow narrative. Here's an example:

The entrance to the camp could be seen twenty yards or so down the road. It was marked by an old wooden plank sign that read "Lutheran Brotherhood Campground."

Could be...

I could see the entrance to the camp, marked by an old wooden plank sign that read "Lutheran Brotherhood Campground" twenty yards down the road.


You can probably come up with an even better way to say it. *Smile* But can you see how my version is more concise?


I hope this helps! Thank you for your consideration!

Happy Writing!

--Emerin
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Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi,

Thank you for requesting a review at
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REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
.

What an interesting poem! I think you've done a good job playing with the visual space as well as your words to create the effect. I like the step effect, and feel that it works well to enhance the rhythm.

The capitalization seems deliberate, and I can tell you have put some thought into it.

Although I did enjoy this, I do have a few suggestions.

I noticed that there is a comma after almost every single line. Is this on purpose? For a piece so dependent on the visual appearance, the commas almost hinder the flow of the piece. I think I would prefer to see less of them.

With all of these things you fit right in.

I felt the piece flowed better without that syllable.

Popes pull bulls like[s] rabbits out of a hat.

I don't think that 's' should be there.


Other than my little nitpickings, I think the overall message of this piece was strong and powerful. Good job! Thank you for the enjoyable read.

--Emerin
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Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi C. J. Sayer Author IconMail Icon,

Thank you for requesting a review from
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REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon


What an interesting piece!

First Impressions:

I noticed that this piece is not formatted as pieces usually are. We normally put spaces between all the paragraphs, like I am doing here in this review, so that pieces are easier to read and not so hard on the eyes.

I would also limit a bit the amount of space you have in the very beginning of this piece. It's a bit of a put-off to have to scroll through that, and it really isn't necessary.

Nit-pickings:

This piece was just sprinkled with grammatical errors. You definitely need to go back and proofread once more. I won't go through and list them all, but here are some.

As he ran and ran, feet pounding up the stairs, he could still hear the cry’s cries and shouts from below deeper in the tower.
Large bangs and the sounds of explosions were audible and the walls were occasionally shivering shivered occasionally, dislodging dust and mortar upon his head. no new line The next bang made the whole building rumble and shake, causing him to fall over.

Do you see how these little errors could contribute this piece seeming sloppier?

His sword fell from his hand, clattering back down the steps . . .

Okay, this is a recurring trend. When there is a gerund (something ending in -ing), and that gerund phrase modifies the subject of the sentence, which in this case would be 'sword', there needs to be a comma before the gerund. Whew! A general rule of thumb is to stick a comma before that extra phrase.

A couple more examples...

Quickly leaping, he covered the space and knelt down to grab the blade.

Same rule. If you put the gerund before, you still need the comma.

Story-wise, you have a strong plot going. The narrative is clear and comprehensible, and you have done a good job creating a sense of suspense. However, the grammatical errors do belittle your piece because they give this an amateurish feel. But that's not really too much of a problem! With a little proofreading, this should be fantastic.

Keep up the great work! I hope this review helps.

--Emerin
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Review of Poems  Open in new Window.
Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

Thank you for requesting a review at
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REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon


An interesting collection of poems. Thank you for sharing these with me. I enjoyed reading them.

I did feel, however, that the introduction to this folder was a bit abrupt and mean, almost. If you don't care about the reader's opinions, why ask others to read them at all?

Also, as it is, this folder is plain. Perhaps some colors and other fonts, or even an image would spruce things up.

Another suggestion: have you considered titling the Poem by Andrea? It is really quite lovely.

I hope this helps!

--Emerin
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Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

Thank you for requesting a review from
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REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
.

Although the rules do state a limit of two requests a week, I'll go ahead and read the first two pieces your requested.

What an interesting story! You've obviously drawn from various sources of mythology to weave your own tale, and the concept of the gods playing a game that mirrors actions on an earth is not a new one. I am interested to see what you will do with this idea.

You introduce a lot of new characters, and to be perfectly honest, I don't know if I'll remember them all. The names are a bit outlandish, and it may take a little more reading to truly get used to them.

Story-wise, I understood what was going on. The action is clear and the narrative is easy to understand.

The setting was also good. I think you did a good job balancing too much and too little. *Smile*

I do, however, have a few pointers.

1. Be very careful with passive verb usage. Especially in fantasy and sci-fi stories, passive verbs often slow narrative and lead to clunky and wordy prose. Try to limit your usage of them as much as possible.

Here's one example:

Dark mahogany tables, beautifully carved with ornate figures of the land below, were surrounded by chairs made of precious cherry, a plush silk cushion adorning each.

Could be...

Chairs made of precious cherry, each wit a plush silk cushion, surrounded dark mahogany tables beautifully carved with ornate figures of the land below.

Another example:

Elohim's commanding figure and was a commanding figure, his whole essence emanated life, for his power was contained within the body.

Just a few ways you could possibly take out passive verbs.

A few spots...

The lesser immortals it seemed, who had used a touch of their magic to bring the inanimate object to life.

This sentence didn't really make sense before. Is this what you meant?

His eloquently long face supported a thin nose and thin lips, his eyes slightly slanted, giving him an almost exotic appearance,and though his slanted eyes gave him an exotic appearance, but his appearance he was far from unusual for this hall.

This sentence read awkwardly. Be very careful with verbosity. Some of your sentences are just so full of adverbs and adjectives that we hardly catch the meaning of them all. For instance, try to stay away from words like "almost" or "nearly". They bog down prose, and if something is "almost" like something else, but isn't quite, why say it at all? Also, try not to use the same word twice in one sentence. "Appearance" shouldn't be used twice.



Okay, I hope this helps! With a little pruning, I think this piece could be a lot better. Go back and try to see where you can take out words! Concise is the way to go. *Smile*

--Emerin
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Review of Contrasts  Open in new Window.
Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!

gar57 has gifted you two short story reviews from
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REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
.

I like what you have done with the prompt in this piece. There is an obvious contrast, and an obvious change. Nafi in both instances is a real and dynamic character.

There are, however, a couple things I would like to mention.

Why is there such a long space between the last word and the review box? I would go back and look at the formatting. Also, there were some problems with paragraph formatting and such. I would just go back and look over this piece once more. Perhaps you should preview it and see how it turns out. *Smile*

Another note I have is about dialogue grammar. Please be careful with your capitalization, and when to use commas and periods.

“Students! School! Ooops! You silly!” he said to himself.

“Nafi, time for breakfast, son.” A calm, feminine voice waved into his ears.
new paragraph
“Yes Mom, down in a minute,[.]” he replied sweetly.

“So, what will my little man have?” she asked.

I hope this helps!

--Emerin
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Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!

gar57 has gifted you two short story reviews from
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REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon


What a lovely piece! This is full of interesting imagery that brings the fairytale-like storytelling feel of this prose to life.

While generally I enjoy the way you format your pieces, I felt that in this particular one the formatting distracted from your actual writing instead of contributing to it. The spaces were uneven and some were missing between paragraphs. I would go back and look over this one more time.

A couple thoughts I had while reading this:

I understand how the first view could be scary, but I don't understand how it is inviting. Could that be emphasized?

“Come girls, break through this darkness,” A a strong, echoing voice called out to them.
new paragraph
Ding- dong! The clock struck eight. Usha blinked. Her soft bed seemed most comfortable in the morning, when it was time for school. Her twin sister was still asleep.
new paragraph
“Sis, get up, or we’ll be late.” Usha shouted at the top of her voice.
new paragraph
“Um… Late for what?” Shoshi asked sleepily, with one eye still closed.
new paragraph
“School. We have an algebra test today, remember?” Irritation showered from Usha’s voice.

Here are some minor grammatical mistakes and formatting problems. In conversations, every time you switch voices, please start a new paragraph.

“You know Shoshi; I had a very strange dream today,[.]” Usha said, her slender, fair hands firmly placed on the steering wheel. “I dreamt of two little girls, their faces exactly like ours when we were in the first grade…”
new paragraph
“The voice…the darkness…” Shoshi murmured, toying with a strand of her straight black hair. Both the sisters had the same dream. I felt this revelation was "told" instead of "shown." Could perhaps Usha exclaim her surprise?


Remember your names- Usha and Shoshi (the sun and the moon).

I felt that the meaning of the names shouldn't be in parentheses because it isn't necessary and takes away from the effect. You could just use a comma to connect this.

I hope this review helped!

--Emerin
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Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi!

gar57 has gifted you three poetry reviews from
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REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
!

Another fantastic poem. I see you use rhyme and rhythm very well to create a sense of beat and flow in your poetry.

The imagery is poignant and refreshing, although a bit cliched at times. {e.g. "Dreaming of a bright tomorrow", "I can always count on you")

A couple suggestions:

Drops of water {x}down{/x} on my face.

I think it flows better like this.

Also, "opened" and "friend" aren't exact rhymes, and it jars a little.

How about:

Windows of my mind ascend ?


I hope this helps! Thank you for sharing your poetry with me. I sincerely enjoyed sifting through these.

--Emerin
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Review of Two Poems  Open in new Window.
Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

gar57 has gifted you three poetry reviews!

Thank you for sharing your poem. You include some lovely axioms and phrases that describe your sense on life and life's goals. I enjoyed reading this piece.

I especially liked the first two lines.

Overall, I think the rhyme scheme worked very well. The rhythm, however, felt a bit off for me in the last two lines.

Fly like the joyous dove
Reach for the stars above.

Unlike the other lines, these only have six syllables. While it doesn't make a WHOLE lot of difference, after sticking with a fairly rigid pattern, the reader notices the difference and the flow jars.

Consider:

Flying like the joyous dove
Reaching for the stars above.

I hope this helps! Thank you for sharing this poem. I really enjoyed reading it.

--Emerin
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Review of God's creations  Open in new Window.
Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!

gar57 has gifted you three poetry reviews.

Here's the first one!

What a lovely poem. I really enjoyed reading this. I think you did a fantastic job with the rhyme scheme and the rhythm. The flow is solid, and so is the piece in general.

The organization and presentation is neat and pleasing, and the contrasting viewpoints are easy to see and very interesting.

I do however, have some suggestions. *Smile*

Consider this line:

You're[,] the predator, we're the prey

I think like this it would flow better.

Food[-] for you is no big deal.

I don't feel like the dash works here. If you want to use it, I think you should put another dash after "you" to complete the phrase.

Overall, a strong and enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing!

--Emerin
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Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

Thank you for requesting a review at:

 Summer Review Forum Open in new Window. (E)
REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon


What an interesting piece! It has a sort of "story-telling" feel to it, an old-style myth, that is refreshing. The audience is directly addressed ("You can understand what happened next").

I noticed that you listed this piece as "other". Consider adding in more genre types; it'll just lead to more exposure for this piece. *Smile*

A couple of grammar/formatting related points:

After a line of dialogue, you must start a new paragraph. Example:

. . . Now nobody was moving anywhere because the "clouds" were of equal strength. Finally the dragon yelled, "Stop this nonsense! We will decide this by war!"
new paragraph
The dragon and two bushy eyed monsters let go of the asteroid belt. The chameleon, caterpillar, and unicorn kept pushing on it.

Careful of "it's" versus "its".

You see, the dragon and the two bushy eyed monsters were out to destroy the earth and it's its inhabitants.

Also watch out for wordiness and redundancies.

There was A cloud shaped like an eel that came in on the dragon's side. Another was while a lion arrived on the other side and who started fighting the eel.

This passage makes more sense with a little tweaking.

Overall, this was a highly amusing piece to read. Thank you so much for sharing it with me.

--Emerin
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Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Steven,

Again, another interesting installment. You introduce new characters that, although not immediately likable, are intriguing.

Plot-wise, I have no problem with this piece. It's suspenseful, and flows well.

I think you need to put a line of space when the dialogue speaker changes. I see this problem only in the "previous installment" bit, which, in my humble opinion, isn't really necessary. I would provide a link to the Prologue, but that's it. *Smile*

My main nitpicking lesson of the day will be on commas.

Recurring Problem Number One:

“That’s enough, Julia,” the teacher said, addressing the girl in the back.

Rule of thumb: after a verb and before a fragment starting with a gerund (something that starts with -ing) a comma will be necessary.

Example:

The girl stopped, breathing heavily.

He yelled, waving his arms.

You wouldn't use it, however, like this:

She began running. No comma.

Make sense?

Recurring Problem Number Two:

Dialogue grammar. Okay, here you're using too MANY commas.

“What goes for Twin A also goes for Twin B, Dan,” the teacher said, smirking. The boy slunk back into his seat away from his twin sister. Turning his attention back to the rest of the class, the teacher said, “There, now that we’ve had our input from the Twins Andrews,” at this both Julia and Dan blushed slightly, “I will not discount that it is possible for us to have a snow day tomorrow. We live off of Lake Erie for the Lord’s sake!” With this comment the teacher crossed himself quickly before continuing, “But you need to prepare to be here, I will not show mercy.” At that the bell rang.[,] “Class dismissed.”

Okay, that last sentence: no comma unless you mean the bell literally rang the words "class dismissed."

The first example, I added "the teacher said" because you can't just have a gerundial modifier (same problem as before) and go straight into dialogue without making it a fragment. However, you could also do it like this:

He turned his attention back to the class. "

Here, the period is also used.


Sorry for all this grammatical nitpicking, but I see those problems happening over and over again throughout this piece. I'm not going to list every single one for you, so please comb this again. *Smile*

The plus side: the story is great, which isn't something I could easily tell you to change. At least for grammar, all you gotta do is make quick changes!

Good job!

--Emerin
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Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Steven,

Thank you for your submission to my review forum!

Wow! What an interesting piece. I enjoyed the world you created and found the idea well thought out.

However, I do have a couple pointers for suggestions.

“A……………… men……………………”

I found the "....." redundant. I don't think it is necessary to convey that effect, and if you absolutely must, do so with your words, not your punctuation.

I would stay away from double exclamation marks and double question marks, only because it looks unprofessional and most publishers do not accept them.

From time to time I found that this piece was what I call micro-wordy. This means that on a smaller scale, your writing could be tighter, and more concise. For instance:

After Ailana latched onto the broad frame of Michael Michael's broad frame and cried on his shoulder. Ailana spoke softly, “My vision has begun, and there may be no way of stopping it.”

Changing the word order makes it sound less redundant. "Michael's broad frame" flows smoother and doesn't sound as clunky as "the broad frame of Michael." You also need a period there.

Hope this review helps!

--Emerin
247
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Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

What an interesting and creative memoir. Thank you for sharing about your father, and the role he has played in shaping your character and your life.

If you're ever in desperate need of a review for a piece, I would recommend stopping by any one of the fabulous review forums we have here on WDC. That's a sure-fire way of getting a review.

I do have some suggestions, however:

1. Parentheses over-usage. Please be careful not to use these too much. It's an easy fall-back method of writing, but can clog your prose. In a piece this length, I think having maybe five ( ) would be pushing it.

2. Please don't use "???" Try to stick to just one question mark. It looks much more professional and not so chat-speakish.

Spot-check:

I do believe that it was in that house that I celebrated either my third or fourth birthday, and I remember Dad sitting back in the corner of the dinning dining room with one of those silly birthday hats on, trying to convince me that it was his birthday and he was turning three (or four), not me. For the sake of the story, I would just choose one: three or four? It clogs this entire passage up with unnecessary pondering and makes the reader question the clarity of the narrator's memory. I chose three for editing; you may prefer four.

I remember when we went on long car rides, she would climb down between the driver's door and seat and fall asleep. watch commas and apostrophe usage.

The next memory I have of my dad is not a good one, and I think I can honestly say that had he actually followed thru through with his plan, he would have kicked himself everyday for the rest of his life. I took out "I think" because it gives that sentence a hazy sense, while taking it out makes it much clearer. When expressing opinions, as a rule of thumb, be clear with what you say. It makes pieces scintillate when you can set lines.

Okay, other than the grammatical nitpickings, this piece was very good.

I hope this review helps.

Write on!

--Emerin
248
248
Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi S.M. Ferguson,

I'm a guest judge for
 Invalid Item Open in new Window. []

by A Guest Visitor
, and here's your review! All scores are out of ten, and the highest score is forty.

Grammar: 4

In general, your grammar was good, and there were no blatant spelling errors {thank you!}

There were, however, many smaller errors scattered throughout the piece. Please proofread once more.

Walkingnospace, I stare people in the eyes until they look away.

I am the predator, they are my prey, and? I can never let them forget that.

My headache throbs to it’s its rhythm. careful with this one.

I study and assess every derelict I see long before I pass them;[,] not everyone is what they appear to be out here.

My T-shirt is damp with sweat, for it is hot in the city this a August night.

Sloppy work, I thought.

Word Usage: 6

Nice analogies, good job painting the character of your narrator. You kept my interest the entire time! Your narrator's pity for the murdered old woman gives her an interesting dynamic, but I wished for more of how and what made your narrator into the woman that she was. I also wondered about her friend that she was supposed to meet. Where was he?

I am assuming your narrator is female, but really, I have no way of knowing. Can we have more of exactly who she is?

Relativity/Format: 8

I had to dock some points because it wasn't over a 1000 words, but overall, you hit the prompt right on the nail.

Impact: 6

Again, a good job with this. I could sense the fear running below the narrator's tough-girl (or tough-boy, I suppose) act. Just fix the grammar and clarify a couple things about the character's physical details, and you have a fantastic piece!

This has a lot of potential. Thank you for sharing.


Total: 24


--Em
249
249
Review of January 26th  Open in new Window.
Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Fyn Author IconMail Icon,

I'm a guest judge for
 Invalid Item Open in new Window. []

by A Guest Visitor
, and here's your review! All scores are out of ten, and the highest score is forty.

Grammar: 6

The grammar in general was very good. There were some fragments here and there, and while a couple are okay for emphasis, I think you overused them. You are also missing a line break between the fourth and fifth paragraphs.

Also,

{/}A scant few days left of safety shadowed by shadows moving on the lawn. I don't know what that {/} is doing there. I think you meant the end the italics a bit earlier.*Smile*

Word Usage: 6

I think you did a good job choosing words. I felt the repetition was a little too long, and that it should be limited to one paragraph to be completely effective.

Relativity/Format: 7

Unfortunately, this does not follow the word count rule of over 1,000 words, so I had to dock some points. But overall, I think you did a good job with the prompt.

Impact: 5

Overall, there was an impact, but I felt it could be told a little clearer. I was a bit confused at times what was going on, and I think this could be cleared up by introducing the first person narrator a little bit earlier.

Total: 24

Best of luck in the contest!

--Em
250
250
Review of Lost in fear.  Open in new Window.
Review by emerin-liseli Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Equinox!

Thank you for entering
 Invalid Item Open in new Window. []

by A Guest Visitor
.

I'm a guest judge for this round. All scores are out of ten, and the highest score possible is forty.

Grammar: 2

There were no blatant spelling mistakes or anything, but there were A LOT of fragments.

Take this passage for example:

This great forest that stretched out as far as the eye could see. A lake that glistened in the golden sunlight focused in a mirror like still beyond their chosen camp. and this last sentence just did not make any sense to me at all.

Another pointer:

SEMICOLONS! I think they are one of the most misused punctuation marks on WDC. Anyway, semicolons connect two independent clauses; this means two sentences! Take this, for example:

Mark was only twelve, and this was his first camping trip; out with his family and neighbours, he was excited to be here with his family and neighbors.

Word Usage: 5

Pretty decent. I think at times it felt a little overdramatic, but overall, I think you did a good job.

Relativity/Format: 10

Perfect. The word "fear" was not used; this hit it right on the nail.

Impact: 4

Despite the grammatical mistakes, I think the impact is there. Of course, if this was a bit more readable, the impact would be much higher...

Total: 21

Best of luck with the contest!

--Emerin
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