PoV: Told from a third person or Narrator stand point
Subject: Fun and whimsical twist on children’s fairytales
Dialogue: Dialogue is easy to read and interesting
Characters: Characters are familiar and, therefore, not a lot of explanation is needed
Line by Line: See below
“I’ll huff. And I’ll puff. And I’ll BLOW…”
“Out these lovely candles.”
Willafred Wolf heaved and spat his birthday candles out.
Nice twist on the “huff and puff”.
I enjoyed this beginning very much.
Everyone celebrated his 82nd birthday at the Fairy Tale Retirement home.
I can totally believe that this place would exist somewhere in time.
Willafred and his friends played pin the tail on the pig, they whacked the Ole’ Granny piñata filled with baked goodies, and they all had a great time.
The above paragraph cracked me up.
Except for Willafred’s grandson, Chet. He was busy playing Grimm Men 4 on his phone.
I love that you brought this into the modern day by allowing Chet to have smart phone. Awesome!
After the party calmed down and life in the retirement home was back to normal, Willafred asked his grandson, “Why don’t you help me visit my friends?”
“Sure,” Chet said.
Willafred and Chet walked into room 1. Cinderella sat in her riding chair carved out of a large pretty pumpkin. She was frantically digging in a wooden chest.
“Have you seen my slippers?” Cinderella exclaimed.
She was wearing only one shoe.
Willafred and Chet helped her look in her mop bucket, through her duster collection, and they even emptied her vacuum.
Then Cinderella’s coo coo clock struck 12:00 P.M. When the crazy coo coo bird sprung out the wooden hatch, Chet found the slipper.
(Illustration: the glass slipper pops out of the clocks door on the coo coo bird’s head.)
I find the need for clarification in the actual story. Even if this story is made into a children’s book (which would be awesome), the pictures should only enhance the story, but not complete it.
Chet was about to knock on the door of room 2 when Willafred quickly stopped him.
“Shhh,” Willafred said. “She is asleep.”
Inside the room in an old worn out recliner sat Sleeping Beauty. A sewing show was on her tv, but she was sound asleep.
“Happy birthday!” Sleeping Beauty said in her sleep. “Why yes I would love to sew.”
Sleeping Beauty frowned and fidgeted.
“She is having a nightmare,” Willafred whispered.
Willafred tucked Sleeping Beauty in and turned the TV off. Her expression changed from a frown to a smile. Sleeping Beauty puckered out her lips. Chet winced.
I don’t understand how you get from “Happy Birthday” to a nightmare so quickly. Something is missing here. Also, I would elaborate on why Chet winced. I have a young son, so I can guess that at this age it’s gross. However, everyone might not get that as well.
Chet noticed the sign on the door of room #3.
(Illustration: A sign reading: All who enter must guess my name or give up their first-born.)
This goes along with my comment about the illustration before. It would be easy to enter this line into the story. Remember that there are those who may not be able to see. The story should come alive for them straight from the book.
As soon as they stepped in a strange little old man appeared.
“Guess my name or pay the price!” he said.
“Rumpelstilskin,” Chet replied.
“How does everyone know that!?” Rumpelstilskin exclaimed.
Chet was just about to tell Rumpelstilskin about the name tag on his shirt, but Willafred put his paw over Chet’s mouth.
Rumpelstilskin saw this as an opportunity to show all the pictures in his wallet of the first born babies he ALMOST got.
(Illustration: A wallet with so many pictures they fall to the floor.)
See how this one explains what Rumpelstilskin is showing and the illustration enhances that. Much better!
As they left Willafred quietly whispered, “We don’t have to worry about him making crazy deals if he doesn’t know about the name tag.”
This part cracked me up!
Room #4 was at the top of a tall tower.
“Rapunzel,” Willafred yelled, “let down your long hair.”
You could probably leave out the word “long”, but that’s just a personal preference. In the actual story, the witch says “Let down your hair.”
A long golden rope of hair fell to the ground. Chet and Willafred climbed to find the hair wasn’t attached to Rapunzel’s head. It was a glorious wig.
“I’m so glad you’re here!” Rapunzel said. “I need someone to help me pick out a wig!”
There were hundreds of wigs on shelves high and low. There were short brown wigs, curly blonde wigs, and even a clown wig.
Chet found the one he thought was the best. It was a mohawk.
(Illustration: Rapunzel wearing a rocking Mohawk wig. She is bald every other time.)
Of course by now, you know my comment about the illustrations. I’ve got to say that this is one of those twists I did not see coming. I really did LOL. Awesome!
“How do I look?” Rapunzel asked.
Chet giggled and said, “You look amazing.”
The two climbed down the ladder of hair and continued their rounds.
They helped Snow White get over her fear of apples in room 5.
They helped Jack water his bean sprouts in room 6.
They even helped Hansel and Gretel find their trail of bread crumbs that led to room 6.
Is “room 6” a typo? If so, then you need to change “room #7” below as well.
Chet was having so much fun when Willafred said, “I saved the best for last. I know you’re the lad to help these three out.”
Upon the door of room #7: Not by the hair on our chinny chin chins.
This needs to be a complete sentence.
When Willafred came in the three little pigs each ran into their houses they had made. One was made of straw, one was made of sticks, and the last was made of bricks.
The oldest pig poked his head out and exclaimed, “We’re ready!”
Chet gave his grandfather a curious look.
“They want you to blow their houses down,” Willafred said. “I haven’t been able to do it for years.”
Chet huffed and Chet puffed and Chet blew down the house of straw and sticks. The pigs clapped inside the house of bricks.
“We still got it!” they yelled.
Another funny twist!
As the day came to an end Willafred led Chet into his room. And what a surprise!
Chet was in awe of the articles, awards, and famous pictures of his grandfather that was displayed around the room.
“You knew Red?” Chet asked.
“Knew her, we’re best friends. She has her own cooking show now,” Willafred said proudly.
Very cute that the wolf was really not big and bad!
“So what do you think?” Willafred asked.
And for the first time Chet turned off his phone, pulled out one of the old books from the counter, and dusted it off.
“I think I would like to hear a story,” Chet said.
Love this ending! Books are so much better than anything a child can play with!
Overall, with the exception of the very few things that I pointed out, I thought this was a really imaginative story. Writing children’s fiction takes a true talent! Definitely keep writing. As with any of my reviews, take what you can use, and throw out the rest. We are all artist in our own right and have a vision of what we want.
Marci
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| (4.0)
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