Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈's (mathguy) Reviews

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Review Requests: ON

1,659 Public Reviews Given

3,029 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

In depth, detailed, and supportive.

I'm good at...

Elements of craft that draw readers into your fictional world and your character's head.

Favorite Genres

SciFi, Mystery, Thriller, Horror

Least Favorite Genres

Fantasy

Favorite Item Types

Short stories

Least Favorite Item Types

nonfiction, poetry

I will not review...

I'm only interested in prose fiction. I will not review anything over 4000 words, nor will i review poetry. If you have a longer piece, please divide it into bite-sized chunks.

426

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2688765

Review of Square Eyes

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

WDC POWER RAIDER

Hi, my name is Max. I'm reviewing your story as part of the WDC Power Raid reviewing project.

General Impressions
Stephen,

I think that five hundred word short stories are especially difficult to write. As in poetry, every word must count. In this story, you've done a terrific job of setting an eerie scene and building tension using the minimalist images this form demands.

Favorite Parts
The scene of chaos outdoors, with superman blasting the adults, was creative and very well done.

Characters
There's not much room for characterization in a work this short, but Larry came through clearly.

Plot
Ah, this drove to the inevitable ending with a weird intensity. Very nice!

Setting
Again, the scene outdoors was very evocative, as was the explosion of the characters from the TV.

Dialog
Not much, but it was well done.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I have a few line-by-line comments, but this was a very well-done little piece of chaotic horror. I'm not sure I caught some of the references (Ben 10 and Pennywise, for two examples), but still had no trouble following the narrative.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

Larry could pinpoint the exact moment his world became a living nightmare, it was when the cartoons climbed out the television.

My Comment: This is a comma split. You should have either a period or a semicolon after "nightmare."

Your text:

He screamed, and lurched to his feet. "He's not, going to…"

My Comment: The antecedent to "he" wasn't clear to me here. Is it Larry or the alien?

Your text:

Without a second thought, he scooped Jason off the sofa

My Comment: I'm pretty sure this "he" refers to Larry, but it wasn't 100% clear on first reading.

Your text:

We need our fans admiration.

My Comment: should be "fan's" - omitted apostrophe.

Your text:

from somewhere inside Alison thought she heard a man say, “Look Mother, they’re coming.”

My Comment: POV shift here from Larry to Alison--I'd strongly recommend staying with Larry all the way through in such a short story.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

427

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2683666

Review of Cold Black Water

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
Artemis, this is a well-written and well-plotted story. Your descriptions are vivid and your prose is evocative. I have a very small number of suggestions below, but you have crafted an excellent story here.

Favorite Parts
Right at the start there's great descriptions:

She coughed and the smoke billowed from her mouth. She looked at the grey smoke trailing its way up away from her and sighed. The cold snuck into her clothes and filled her.

She isn't just "cold" -- you make the cold an active, sinister presence that sneaks up on her! Wonderful!

Characters
Caroline is our only character, and we see her despair and hopelessness.

Plot
This moves forward to the hopeful ending.

Setting
The details of the setting, with the water's black, brooding presence reflection Caroline's mood. The house, on the other hand, is all alight and warm, offering an alternative to the darkness of the water.

Dialog
There's just two snippets in the phone conversation and the flashback. Both were realistic and each character spoke with a distinctive voice.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.

Your text:

"It overlooks the lake, four bedrooms, two and a half baths, huge open kitchen, dining
and living space," she practically bounced as she told him.

My Comment: I like the image, but the "practically" weakens it. If you leave it out it presents a much stronger, more active image of her enthusiasm.

Your text:

"Only two seventy-five, it's a foreclosure!" she shouted victoriously.

My Comment: I don't know what "victoriously" means in this context, and, again it seemed to detract. Perhaps her eyes gleamed in triumph at finding the house?

There's a few places where the prose seemed just a tad choppy. In the opening paragraph, you use "she" five times -- enough that I noticed. I understand you want to give a sense of her alienation and hence delay using her name, but perhaps you could restructure this some? Along with the repeated pronoun, the word "smoke" is used twice in consecutive sentences:

She sucked the smoke down her throat, enjoying the sting as it burnt its way into her lungs. She held the smoke in, determined to stop time;

I love the above image, but the repeated pronoun and repeated us of "smoke" made it a bit uneven for me.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

She looked up at the house, where Andrew was calling from.

My Comment: "from" is dangling -- an antiquated rule, I admit, but still a modest rephrasing would avoid this grammatical nitpick.

Your text:

Once again, she resumed her quiet meditation of the lake below.

My Comment: I would have thought she was meditating "on" the lake?

Your text:

She reached down to put out her cigarette and the wind caught her hair. It blew her long black hair straight out in front of her, as if pulling her towards the water.

My Comment: This is another place that seemed a bit choppy, partly because of the repeated use of "hair."

Your text:

Caroline's boss Ruby startled Caroline from her reverie.

My Comment: I'd change the second "Caroline" to "her."

Your text:

Caroline had been called, at home at three am,

My Comment: "had been called" is passive voice...also "AM" should be in caps.

Your text:

"I know, it was just awful," Ruby went on.

My Comment: The "I know" didn't seem to quite fit.

Your text:

Her attention was again called back to the here and now.

My Comment: anther instance of passive voice.

I wonder if the lyrics wouldn't read better if displayed line-by-line, like a poem?

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

428

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2675082

Review of A Kiss before Dying

Review by

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
This is certainly a vivid and graphic bit of horror. The sudden shift from the kiss to the violence is especially effective. You hinted that you liked this "so far" and I agree -- so far. This is a great start to what I hope will be longer story.

Favorite Parts
What a beguiling first sentence!

Her soft lips touched his with a shyness that was beyond endearing.

And this horrifying image:

It was like a bulimic vampire trying to purge itself of all the blood of a previous demonic binge.

Characters
The most interesting character is the viewpoint character - we barely meet him, but he is surely unforgettable! Eventually you'll need to figure out a way to tell us what he looks like.

Plot
This is the start of a plot-a kiss turns to murder. The "what after" is what will make this more than a vignette. I urge you to write more -- this is very good!

Setting
The fulll moon dappling the bricks -- that's wonderful! I wonder if you could engage the scent of smell as well? Did the victim wear perfume? What did the blood smell like after the attack? It's not uncommon for the sphincters to release at death -- the murderer should have smelled that too.

Dialog
Getting your characters to tell the story through their words and deeds, interacting with one another, is one of the biggest challenges for an author. It is so tempting to narrate an outline, but it so much more effective to have your characters act and speak. Your POV character acts for sure -- I wish he'd spoken with the victim beforehand, so we knew how he'd lured her there. That would give us insight into why she followed him, too.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

My big comment is: write more! This is a great beginning, but now you should tell us more about killer's actions, his thoughts, how he selects and lures victims, what he gets out of it, and so on.

Is there some reason you chose the same title as the Ira Levin novel?

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

Moved his hands up her body and ran his fingers through her long, thick hair.

My Comment: This is a great image, but it's a sentence fragment.

Your text:

Her eyes were pressed shut as blood from her forehead

My Comment: You want to engage your reader's imagination, get them to imagine your story with you. Phrases like "were pressed" tend to take the reader out of the story -- it is more active to just say "Her eyes pressed shut..."

Your text:

She had bitten her tongue nearly in half during one of the impacts with the wall and was vomiting up floods of blood.

My Comment: "Was vomiting" again is passive and takes the reader out of the story -- I'd consider just saying "vomited."

Your text:

She began to make a horrible, guttural croaking noise from the back of her throat. It made him feel sick. She was trying to say something.

My Comment: see above...you might consider something like

A guttural, croaking noise gurgled from the back of her throat. He gagged at the sound. She tried to say something.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

429

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2674695

Review of REDEMPTION

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I'm one of the judges for the "Show off your Best" Contest, so I'll be reviewing your story. This review is organizing around the published judging criteria.

Personal Impressions
I can tell that this is a heartfelt story, full of love and passion for your Grandmother. You poured your beliefs and sorrow into this; I felt the narrators joy as he was reunited with his Grandmother, just as I felt his earlier guilt.

First person present is a difficult narrative choice. The goal of most stories is to encourage the reader to imagine the story with you, to share the dream that you are telling. Both first person and present tense tend to distance the reader from the story and make the narrator's voice more intrusive. I think this would be a stronger story if you used third person limited for your point of view.

Mechanics

Your text:

Feeling the icy blade slide over my wrist as I slowly pull it back to heal my pain and suffering, revealing my true self slowly as each drop of blood splashes on the floor.

My Comment: This is a sentence fragment.

Your text:

As I was falling to my knees

My Comment: This is one of several places where the narrator says "I was falling" or "I heard" or "I felt." This tends to take the reader out of the story. It is more immediate to say "I fell" for example.

Your text:

Is there something I can do to return to the place I died so I can tell my family why I committed this haneous act and put punishment on my soul?

My Comment: "heinous" misspelled.

Your text:

Can I be once again reunited with my family again?

My Comment: "again" used twice in one sentence. It's better to have more word variety.

Your text:

It has walked through those majestic and beautiful gates.

My Comment: What is the antecedent for "it?"

Your text:

As I looked at him, I realized he was my loving great uncle, whom had helped me to my feet when I died.

My Comment: should be "whom."

Your text:

They were cheering, clapping, and crying with joy that another family member had been accepted into God's Heaven.

My Comment: "had been accepted" is passive voice.

Your text:

AA haven of wonderous beauty and peace.

My Comment: sentence fragment.

Characters
The narrator and his grandmother are the primary characters, with Uncle Bill supporting. The other characters -- siblings and parents -- are mentioned but not developed. The narrator's pain, guilt, faith, and love of his grandmother comes through in his thoughts.

Dialog
You mostly tell this story through inner dialog. Theres a few snippets between the narrator and Uncle Bill.

First three paragraphs
Since this story is about the narrator's reunion with his grandmother, I wonder if that shouldn't be referenced in the first three paragraphs. I also felt it was problematic that the lead sentence is a fragment.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

** Image ID #1343917 Unavailable **

The great Sigs in the corner of the flag were given to me by
reikidreamer (sig by kiyasama)
dusktildawn
(I did the Evil Inside one. Handwriting is mine too!)
THANKFUL SONALI Now What? (sig by Humming Bird )
Many thanks to these wonderful WDC friends!

430

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2674693

Review of Teenage Anorexia

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I'm one of the judges for the "Show off your Best" Contest, so I'll be reviewing your story. This review is organizing around the published judging criteria.

Personal Impressions
You have captured the clinical aspects of anorexia in this narrative, including the feelings of inadequacy and poor body image. However, this is almost entirely told rather than shown. The little snippet between the narrator and her father might have been a good place to start this story, and then built from there. I would have liked to have seen the narrator in action, exercising, binging, blowing up at her friends. In short, I wanted to see the clinical aspects dramatized instead of told.

Mechanics
I didn't find any significant mechanical errors in this story.

Your text:

It is not true.

My Comment: Since you've chosen a first person narrator, I think that her voice would be more realistic if she spoke in contractions. So, for example, here I'd say "It's not true."

Your text:

I get dressed and in the car nothing is said.

My Comment: "nothing is said" is passive voice.

Your text:

The friends that still stick by my side are thankful I am getting the treatment (though, I am gaining back my weight, even after this I will need psychotherapy treatment) and support me all the way.

My Comment: I think the parenthetic comments here and earlier break the narrative flow.

Characters
The narrator shows all the clinical signs of anorexia and hence is believable...but...what color is her hair? How old is she? We're lacking a physical description. I'd also like to see her interacting with other characters -- her parents and her friends -- to get a sense of what they are like.

Dialog
There is only one little snippet with her father, which reads okay. I wish you had written the dialog out with therapists, friends, teachers, counselors, rather than telling us about it.

First three paragraphs
The first three paragraphs tell us what the story is about, but I'd like to see more fire and realism in them.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

** Image ID #1343917 Unavailable **

The great Sigs in the corner of the flag were given to me by
reikidreamer (sig by kiyasama)
dusktildawn
(I did the Evil Inside one. Handwriting is mine too!)
THANKFUL SONALI Now What? (sig by Humming Bird )
Many thanks to these wonderful WDC friends!

431

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2674691

Review of My Visit to ER

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I'm one of the judges for the "Show off your Best" Contest, so I'll be reviewing your story. This review is organizing around the published judging criteria.

Personal Impressions
I liked this amusing, third person report of your experiences in the emergency room and later in the cardiac care ward. I can tell you that your experience with non-socialized medicine in the USA would have been similar -- assuming you had insurance! -- but you would have gotten a bill for several thousand dollars, insurance or no.

You wrote this somewhat like a narrative for a newspaper or a column in a newsletter. While this was effective, newspapers often use quotes and dialog to make the narrative of the story more vivid. I think this story would have benefited from dialog and more descriptions of the hospital personnel.

Mechanics
There's quite a bit of passive voice in this piece. I won't mark up all the places in this review, since the purpose is not copy-editing. But I think this would have been much stronger if you had used more active prose throughout.

Your text:

I thought of four possibilities, gastric reflex;

My Comment: I think the term is "reflux."

Your text:

I called myself a suborn old goat

My Comment: I think you meant "stubborn"

Your text:

I was asked to describe my pain and was given three choices; throbbing, sharp or pressure

My Comment: "was asked" and "was given" are passive voice. This whole segment could be hilarious if you played it out in dialog.

Your text:

Oh yes, I also do my gardening which consist of sticking some artificial flowers in a hanging planter once a year.

My Comment: "gardening" is singluar, so it should be "consists."

Your text:

It works for me, Martha, and that’s a good thing.

My Comment: Who is Martha?

Characters
The narrator is the only character, and she's an interesting and amusing person. I liked her a lot, but IMHO you missed a great opportunity to have her personality flash sparks with the hospital bureaucrats.

Dialog
I didn't see any.

First three paragraphs
Except for the passive voice, the first three paragraphs were great.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

** Image ID #1343917 Unavailable **

The great Sigs in the corner of the flag were given to me by
reikidreamer (sig by kiyasama)
dusktildawn
(I did the Evil Inside one. Handwriting is mine too!)
THANKFUL SONALI Now What? (sig by Humming Bird )
Many thanks to these wonderful WDC friends!

432

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2667369

Review of Alien Perceptions

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I found your story on the review request page and, having enjoyed reading it, wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
Robert, I really liked this little story, especially the way the POV shifted from the alien to the humans. The descriptions of the national guardsmen where hilarious -- I had figured out, of course, that Mizz was seeing humans by the time the story was at that point.

Favorite Parts
I'd have to say that my favorite parts here were the perceptions of the two alien species looking at each other, neither wanting to "anthropomorphize" the other (although wouldn't Mizz "blobmorphize" or some such?) This was clever, humorous, and fit with the theme of the story.

Characters
Mizz and Donald turned out to be pretty much alike -- even though they looked very different! The ironic twist of their similarity is what makes the plot work.

Plot
See above -- the plot is clever and well developed.

Setting
Again, you give us two viewpoints on the setting -- clever, amusing, and nicely done!

Dialog
CLICK CLICK CLICK...er, I mean, the HUMAN dialog was natural and believable. Mizz's had this annoying click to it...

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Adverbs.

My word processor counted over 70 adverbs in this story -- that's ten per page. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

Let me give some examples.

Your text:

Suddenly, he felt afraid and homesick.

My Comment: You might consider more active phrasing here, such as

Without warning, fear and longing for home sluiced through his soul.

This makes the fear and homesickness active -- they sluice through him -- rather than passive adjectives. The verb "sluice" suggests suddenness, but the "without warning" makes it more immediate.
Here's another

Your text:

But the atmosphere was oppressively humid...

My Comment: Again, a more active image might be

The humid atmosphere pressed against him...

Notice this does the same thing. There are several other places where a combination of more active verbs and fewer adverbs would make your descriptions more vivid. If you agree, I'm sure you can find these on your own.

In other cases, the adverbs could be just eliminated altogether. For example, when Mizz says "Faced with the possibility of extinction, we devised a remarkably ingenious plan to allow us to flee to a new world." I'm not sure that "remarkably" adds anything to the sentence, and it slows the narrative.

So my first suggestion is that you pare down the adverbs to not more than ten or so in a story of this length, and that you strive to eliminate them altogether.

While you use active voice throughout -- which is good! -- there are several places where the word selection is a bit passive. In addition to the two examples above, here's another:

Your text:

He felt panic begin to well up inside him.

My Comment: The "he felt" is the passive wording I'm talking about. It would be better to just say "Panic welled up inside of him." Even better might be something like

Adrenalin slithered down his spine and tingled out his fingers...

although that's a bit purple, you get the idea. Make the panic a living thing that acts on Donald.

Past Perfect Tense.

Almost always the word "had" both puts one in passive voice and is unnecessary. For example,

The ship had been especially designed to withstand a crash landing,

I think if you said "the ship was designed..." you get the same information across in a slighly more active way. Also note that the adverb doesn't really add anything. The "was designed" is passive voice, and it might be better to say "The engineers designed the ship..."

This is a really well plotted and clever story with believable aliens and humans. The above comments reflect some simple ways that I think you could improve the prose to make your images and descriptions more active and vivid.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

433

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2660124

Review of Hanging On

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I found your story on the review request page and, having enjoyed reading it, wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
A 55 word short story is almost like a poem: every word has to count and everything has to fit together just so. This story does a great job of that, and gives a twisty ending in the package! I'm a sucker for twisty endings, so I really liked this story a lot!

I really only have one suggestion for improvement, and that's in your second line where you use the word "viciously." You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

So, here's my suggestion:

Your text:

The sea breaks viciously on the black rocks far below. I can’t hold on much longer.

My Comment: rather than the adverb, perhaps you could say:

Vicious waves break on the black rocks far below. I can’t hold on much longer.

That even saves some words!

Other than my adverb fetish, this is a great story!

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

** Image ID #1343917 Unavailable **

The great Sigs in the corner of the flag were given to me by
reikidreamer (sig by kiyasama)
dusktildawn
(I did the Evil Inside one. Handwriting is mine too!)
THANKFUL SONALI Now What? (sig by Humming Bird )
Many thanks to these wonderful WDC friends!

434

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2659409

Review of You Need a Woman!

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I found your story on the review request page and, having enjoyed reading it, wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
Stefanie, Since we're both Iowa grads (go Hawks!) and I'm a gay guy, I couldn't resist this one. I've not had exactly this scenario happen to me, but I've certainly been hit on by women. At least I think I have been, having sort of impaired radar in that department. Anyway, I thought this was a funny story, and well written too. I confess I was the tiniest bit afraid I might find some homophobia in the story but there was absolutely none of that -- just a bit of hilarity with an infatuation gone awry!

Favorite Parts
I don't want to give away the ending in a public review, but the whole final scene was very funny, and nicely drawn.

Characters
Your viewpoint character comes across as bit ditzy, with an infatuation that she knows is impossible but still can't resist. Of course, everything goes wrong in a farcical kind of way.

Plot
See above -- funny, to the point, and well done.

Dialog
Great dialog -- believable, distinctive voices...good job!

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

For example, you write

I quickly unbuckled my seatbelt and got tangled in the straps.

Maybe she "snatched at her seatbelt" "tore loose from my seatbelt" -- somethign a bit more active to match the rest of your excellent prose. There's one or two other places where I'd strive to eliminate the adverb.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

I was now caught up to him

My Comment: "was caught up" is a bit passive.

Your text:

my purse the size of a large pizza box whipped back and knocked the wind out of Jack.

My Comment: I think the underlined should be set off with commas.

Once again -- I really liked this story. You've done a great job with the humor!

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

** Image ID #1343917 Unavailable **

The great Sigs in the corner of the flag were given to me by
reikidreamer (sig by kiyasama)
dusktildawn
(I did the Evil Inside one. Handwriting is mine too!)
THANKFUL SONALI Now What? (sig by Humming Bird )
Many thanks to these wonderful WDC friends!

435

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2644282

Review of My Road to Independence

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I'm one of the judges for the "Show off your Best" Contest, so I'll be reviewing your story. This review is organizing around the published judging criteria.

Personal Impressions (3/5 points)
I enjoyed this heart-warming travelogue about a Christmas journey and the kindness of strangers. You laced the narrative with lots of local color and interesting, kind people.

However, I found quite a bit of passive voice in your prose -- was greeted, was offered, was reduced, was serving, for example. This slowed the pace considerably and reduced the immediacy and intimacy that the piece seemed to call for.

I also thought that you did a fine job of telling your story. However, I think it would have been much stronger to show your story by putting your characters in motion and placing words in their mouths. Showing always makes a stronger and more memorable story than telling.

Mechanics (3/5 points)
Commas are the bane of my existence. I found some errors in placement here.

Your text:

I needed peace, quiet, a touch of luxury, I wanted to be by the ocean and I wanted all this on an economy ticket.

My Comment: The comma after "luxury" should be either a period or a semi-colon. This is an example of a comma split -- two sentences joined by a comma.

Your text:

My family were all adults so although they were somewhat surprised,

My Comment: There should be a comma after "so."

Your text:

in Montpelier, located in central Vermont in the picturesque Winooski River valley; and the heart of the Green Mountains ski country

My Comment: no semi-colon after "valley."

Your text:

The motel situated on the highway is easy to find and there is an excellent restaurant just one block away.

My Comment: underlined portion should be set off by commas.

Characters (4/5 points)
The narrator's voice was charming throughout. The other characters revealed humane and generous spirits through their kindness.

Dialog (0/5 points)
There wasn't any -- and, alas, this is one of the judging criteria.

First three paragraphs (3/5 points)
The opening paragraphs set the scene, but once again did so by telling rather than showing.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Good luck in the contest! Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

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The great Sigs in the corner of the flag were given to me by
reikidreamer (sig by kiyasama)
dusktildawn
(I did the Evil Inside one. Handwriting is mine too!)
THANKFUL SONALI Now What? (sig by Humming Bird )
Many thanks to these wonderful WDC friends!

436

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2644147

Review of Trapped

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I found your story on the review request page and, having enjoyed reading it, wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
This is a chilling portrait of a man trapped in a dark and foreboding place, with incomplete memories of how he came to be here. The descriptions are chilling and the ending inevitable. You did a great job of conveying his helplessness and feelings of bewliderment.

Favorite Parts
This is a great sentence:

The slow ethereal sound of running water cut the otherwise perfect silence

You made the sound into an active player, "cutting" the silence. Wonderful!

This is one is a great simile, again very evocative.

When the air came it struck Jack’s burning throat like cold water on tempered steel.

Characters
Just Jack, but he is well-portrayed.

Plot
We start with the mystery of Jack being trapped, we end with the mystery resolved, unhappily for Jack, as it turns out. The perceptive reader will see the ending almost from the first paragraph, but that is part of the skill of the author.

Setting
Jack's feelings of being buried, weak and helpless were excellent.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

There's a couple of examples of passive voice and a few more of passive writing -- the latter being places where you might consider more active verbs. As an example, your second sentence

The smell of rotting and death filled the air.

is an good example of active writing. You don't say "There was a smell of rotting and death" -- instead you say it "filled the air." Now in your first sentence, you say "He was cold and wet." This is one of those "passive writing" sentences that might be better if you instead used the kind of active writing in your second sentence. This is particularly difficult to do, but where you do it, you are very good at it. So...my main suggestion is to ferret out those places where you have "passive writing" and try to use the vivid, active phrases you handle so well.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

The mud was matting Jack’s eyes shut

My Comment: This is actual passive voice. I'd recommend considering "The mud matted Jack's eyes shut."

Your text:

the acrid smell of cleanliness.

My Comment: I think I know what you meant by this, but I had to think about why "acrid" and "cleanliness" actually made sense together -- then I thought of ammonia. I wonder if you might help the reader along a bit here?

Your text:

‘Jack, please...’ his wife’s voice was racked with emotion

My Comment: ...another instance of passive voice.

There's a few places where I think commas or periods might be missing. Also, I'd put Jack's internal thoughts in italics, to break them from the narrative.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

** Image ID #1343917 Unavailable **

The great Sigs in the corner of the flag were given to me by
reikidreamer (sig by kiyasama)
dusktildawn
(I did the Evil Inside one. Handwriting is mine too!)
THANKFUL SONALI Now What? (sig by Humming Bird )
Many thanks to these wonderful WDC friends!

437

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2639139

Review of Kindling in the Fire

Review by

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I found your story on the "Review a Newbie" page. I really liked this quite a lot and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it. Since you are a newbie, I'd also like to welcome you to WDC. I hope that you find this place as supportive and helpful as I have.

General Impressions
This short piece is redolent with suspense and mystery. You do a great job of engaging the senses in your opening and in setting the scene. I love the " plop, skhhh" noise of the newspaper. This is a very creative, grabbed my attention, and kept me reading to the end.

Favorite Parts
I thought this really set the scene well:

He noted there was only a thin sliver of a moon this dark morning as he moved on to the next house. He pulled a paper from his bag, slung his arm, plop, skhhh. He moved on.

This is a great reaction to the sight of the face in the car:

Adrenalin flushed his body and the nerves in his hands began to tingle

Characters
We get a snippet of Carl and two mysterious men. We have a pretty good description of the men.

Plot
This really zinged for me! This is a terrific start to a longer story or novel with great hooks and foreshadowing!

Setting
As noted above, this is very well done.

Dialog
Not much here, but this is a chase scene so there's not much room for it.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I think this is quite well done. There are a few places where I think you might trim some extra words and passive expressions, but overall this is a good opening.

I wish that you had given us a description of Carl. I thought at first he must be a teen-ager since he has a paper route, but I infer that was incorrect from the denouement. If he is middle aged, for example, you might have him run his hands through his grizzled hair. There are other ways to sneak in a physical description without just flat-out telling.

Grammar isn't exactly my strong point, but there seemed to be quite a few dangling participles in this piece. For example

Your text:

but it was parked on the street he had been delivering on

My Comment: Dangling participles are "a rule up with which we need not put" as my English professor friends say. However, there is usually a way to phrase things to avoid them, for example "where he had been delivering papers" in the above sentence. There are several in this piece, enough that I found them a bit distracting.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

He noted there was only a thin sliver of a moon this dark morning as he moved on to the next house. He pulled a paper from his bag, slung his arm, plop, skhhh. He moved on.

My Comment: I already said I liked this, but phrases like "He noted" tend to put the reader in passive mode rather than actively engaging them in imagining your story with you. Why not just say "A thn sliver of a moon hung in the dark morning sky as he moved..." That gives an active picture and paints the same picture. Also, "dark" and/or "darkness" appears three times in your opening paragraph. I'd try to vary my word choice more.

Your text:

One was Caucasian, the other seemed to look to Carl to be a blend of more than one race

My Comment: This seemed a bit awkard...maybe "appeared to Carl..."?

Your text:

He jumped a fence and entered someone’s backyard.

My Comment: Every backyard is someone's. Why put that in since it adds nothing? If you meant a stranger's backyard, then say that -- and add even more mystery to the scene.

Your text:

Carl looked across the street. There were houses on that side of Harper. Carl looked around; he saw nothing, no car; no movement.

My Comment: Two instances of "Carl looked" in close proximity. I'd change one or both. This is another case where more active prose might help -- say, "Carl's eyes darted to the other side of the street" for example.

Your text:

Then he heard the drone of the Camaro’s engine getting louder as it approached. Carl ducked down. He heard the dog still barking

My Comment: Same comment as above, except with "he heard" this time.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

** Image ID #1343917 Unavailable **

The great Sigs in the corner of the flag were given to me by
reikidreamer (sig by kiyasama)
dusktildawn
(I did the Evil Inside one. Handwriting is mine too!)
THANKFUL SONALI Now What? (sig by Humming Bird )
Many thanks to these wonderful WDC friends!

438

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2635210

Review of The Absence of Living

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. You were kind enough to review one of my stories and I wanted to return the favor.

General Impressions
I liked this brief window into the life of Alex, who doesn't life his life as much as he observes it. This little story is all about Alex, who lives his life by checking items off a list. Like Capote in the snippet of dialog with his date, he doesn't live his life, he observes the results of checking items off his lists.

Favorite Parts
I liked the whole restaurant scene, especially the description of Alicia. Her appearance is eerie.The similarity between their names is also a nice touch, so that Alicia, whose name Alex can't even recall for certain, is Alex's alter ego. I also liked that Alex intended to discuss the movie and Alicia intended to discuss the novel -- emblematic of Alex observing his own life.

Dialog
Alicia's bit of dialog was wonderfully pretentious and grating -- perfect for the character and the story!

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I liked this piece. It was short, but every word counted and contributed to our understanding of Alex.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'd recommend more active descriptions for things like alluringly, effortlessly and gloatingly.

I also wondered about the use of parenthetic comments. Ordinarily I'd complain about this, but I think it fits in this piece, since Alex's life is, in some ways, a parenthetic comment.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

She is pretty and despite her trim build is an effortlessly imposing figure.

My Comment: Grammar is not my strong point, but I think "despite her trim build" should be set off with commas.

Your text:

She is taller than most men in the restaurant, and her features seem elongated to almost comical proportions: the high, extraordinary cheekbones; the long, willowy fingers emphasised with a tasteful manicure; the pale and infinite threadlike legs, every now and then alluringly revealing themselves from beneath a red satin skirt through a simple shift in posture.

My Comment: I love this description, but this is a pretty long sentence. I wonder if it might read better if you broke it up into two sentences?

Your text:

On the backseat of his car is his mother's birthday present.

My Comment: This seemed a little awkward and passive to me. I'd suggest putting the subject at the start of the sentence and rewording so that the present "rests" or "crouches" or "huddles" on the back seat -- more active. Your description of the present in the ensuing sentences is wonderful!

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

** Image ID #1343917 Unavailable **

The great Sigs in the corner of the flag were given to me by
reikidreamer (sig by kiyasama)
dusktildawn
(I did the Evil Inside one. Handwriting is mine too!)
THANKFUL SONALI Now What? (sig by Humming Bird )
Many thanks to these wonderful WDC friends!

439

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2634924

Review of Last ride

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Alex. This is Bill, the MathGuy. I found your story on the review request page and, having enjoyed reading it, wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
This is a powerful story, tragic and sad and horrifying all at once. The tension builds throughout, with each new passenger, with each new stop. The flashbacks add to the meaning and plot. Finally, the story ends at exactly the right spot. I liked this story quite a lot.

Favorite Parts
There are some wonderful, vivid images in this prose:

Sometimes 94 seemed like a separate entity, a monster unto itself, drawing victims in to its warm, deadly claws.

Here's another:

He let the door shut behind him, his pulse crashing in his ears like a thousand war drums.

Characters
John's despair and depression permeate the story. While we know at once that he is about to do something horrible, you reveal the full weight on his shoulders a bit at a time.

Plot
The plot slithers forward as you reveal the character and the recent events in his life. The tension builds and builds with each paragraph. The ending is just right, leaving to the reader's imagination what will happen next. I'm reminded of something Hitchcock once said. I don't have the quote exactly right, but it was something to the effect that a bomb going off is not suspense. A picture of a bomb, followed by a clock ticking, that is suspense. That is the way of this story -- John is a bomb, and the passengers and the stops are the clock ticking. The plotting here is excellent.

Setting
The bus and the passengers are well drawn.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Past Perfect Tense.

Almost always the word "had" both puts one in passive voice and is unnecessary. I'd suggest re-working some of the memories to past tense to see if it doesn't improve the pacing.

There are several instances of comma splits here -- two sentences joined by a comma where a semicolon or two sentences would be more appropriate. I've noted some of these below; I'm sure you can find the others.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

All that was left was his thoughts,

My Comment: "Thoughts" is plural, so I think this should be "All that were left were..."

Your text:

It was all up to John. The bus was completely empty, it was at the third stop on its route and no commuters had yet to board, maybe that was a sign.

My Comment: This is a comma split. Also, I think the "no" is not needed.

Your text:

The instinctual animal inside was released.

My Comment: Passive voice -- better to use active, I think.

Your text:

He had leapt at his boss and punched and bit and kicked until he was pulled off. He was fired, unsurprisingly, and sent home with the promise of a lawsuit to come.

My Comment: More passive voice. I think you could omit the "unsurprsingly" too -- but then I'm an anti-adverb fetishist.

Your text:

This bus, no. 94, was the bus he always got to work

My Comment: I'd spell out "number." "Got" to work sounded a little strange to my American ears -- I would have said "took to work" but that might be a difference in dialect.

Your text:

The first two were an elderly couple, both looked happy, content with the others love.

My Comment: Another comma split -- I'll stop noting these as I'm sure you can find them too.

Your text:

There was now a background of conversation on the bus created by the elderly couple.

My Comment: Passive voice. Better, I think, to say something like "Conversation from the elderly couple now buzzed in the background, mixing with the bus and traffic noises" or something similar.

Your text:

He was morbidly obese, and visibly struggling to move through the bus.

My Comment: The sentence following this one is wonderfully descriptive -- so much so that the "was morbidly obese" sounds almost clinical in comparison. I'm reminded of the line, "she was fat, Orca fat" from "The Usual Suspects." I'd recommend something a little more vivid here.

Your text:

94 drove on, ferrying all the people to their destination.

My Comment: Editors of my mathematics books tell me it is better to not start a sentence with a number.

Your text:

John mind was wondering as it often did on 94 and he pondered not for the first time on the number that the bus’s numbers added up to; thirteen.

My Comment: I think it should be "John's mind." Also, "was wondering" is passive voice.

Your text:

End the babies crying.

My Comment: I think you meant "baby's crying."

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this suspense-filled and well-plotted item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

** Image ID #1343917 Unavailable **

The great Sigs in the corner of the flag were given to me by
reikidreamer (sig by kiyasama)
dusktildawn
(I did the Evil Inside one. Handwriting is mine too!)
THANKFUL SONALI Now What? (sig by Humming Bird )
Many thanks to these wonderful WDC friends!

440

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2634817

Review of Butterfly

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I'm back visiting your port and found this story. Congratulations on winning honorable mention -- it was well deserved!

General Impressions
This is an inspiring story about finding joy in life in the midst of hardship and pain and loss. This is quite different from your other stories that I have read. I liked those too, but this one touched my heart.

Favorite Parts
The descriptions were all wonderful. For example, where you describe the park, with children playing and pigeons cooing:

She fished a little bag of crackers from her purse and threw some to the pigeons on the grass. They cooed and pushed each other to get at the crumbs.

Characters
Anne is a complete character, deftly sketched in less than 500 words.

Plot
It is very difficult to fit character, setting and plot into a story this short. Every word counts, and you have squeezed meaning out of each one. This little slice-of-life is also well plotted.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I have very little to suggest for this story. It is well done and well written.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

Shiny ringlets of brown hair.

My Comment: This is a sentence fragment that kind of stood out. I might have Anne caress those ringlets or something to give an active image and get rid of the fragment.

Your text:

She laughed despite the pain in her hip, despite the constant pangs of loss for her husband, despite the worry for her daughter.

My Comment: I liked this sentence, especially the repetition of "despite the" for each clause to give it a nice rhythm. The "constant pangs" -- as opposed to just "pangs" -- seemed to break the pattern though. Since the pain in her hip and the worry for her daughter are not modified, I'd suggest omitting the modifier on "pangs." This is a very, very minor point though -- I'm really stretching to find helpful things to say.

This is extremely well crafted. A story this short is almost like a haiku, where everything has to be just so. This story is nearly perfect.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

** Image ID #1343917 Unavailable **

The great Sigs in the corner of the flag were given to me by
reikidreamer (sig by kiyasama)
dusktildawn
(I did the Evil Inside one. Handwriting is mine too!)
THANKFUL SONALI Now What? (sig by Humming Bird )
Many thanks to these wonderful WDC friends!

441

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2633769

Review of No Sunday Siesta

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I found your story on the Talent Pond "Murky Waters" catch page. Congratulations for being honored as a catch! I enjoyed your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
I loved this little story, with a precocious child, an extended family, and a delightful little twist at end! When I started reading, I envisioned a conventional suburban household in the USA -- so I was delighted to learn that this was a conventional household in India!

Characters
You have deftly drawn all of the characters, but most especially the Mother, Ravi, and Jeev.

Plot
This started as a slice of life, but wound up as a delightful little satire on adult mores and pretensions.

Setting
Being unfamiliar with Inidan households, my mental picture of the kitchen was probably wildly inaccurate. The basic picture, of the children playing outside, the adults gathered in the kitchen, and the mother preparing vegetables, was wonderful.

Dialog
This flowed well and was quite natural.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I really liked this story a lot -- especially the little twist at the end. It was also wonderful to get this slice of family life that wasn't a boring US or UK suburb. Depending on your audience, you might want to give the reader an earlier hint as to the location, although I personally was delighted by the dawning realization that this wasn't what my mind initially imagined.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

Here's an example of a place where you could use an active verb rather than an adverb.

Your text:

as he ensconced himself in the recliner and adjusted the cushions fussily.

My Comment: If you were to say instead he "fussed with the cushions" you get the same image but with an active verb.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

By some divine vengeance this was always at the crack of dawn on holidays, on school days an earthquake would have them rolling over for another quick snooze.

My Comment: This is a comma split. I'd either make it two sentences or replace the comma after "holidays" with a semicolon.

Your text:

Nanni aged an all-knowing seven and Ravi aged an effervescent four-and-a-bit, were outside in the front yard, playing their version of Drive-Mommy-Crazy.

My Comment: Grammar is not my strong point, but I think that the underlined clauses should be set off with commas.

Your text:

I had a large pile of beans in a colander, which I was rapidly stringing, and snapping into smaller bits, getting ready for mixed vegetable stew, a prime favourite with all.

My Comment: I found this sentence to be a bit long, almost a run-on sentence. I'd consider breaking it into two sentences.

Your text:

I got up to locate the remote, which aptly named, was never to hand.

My Comment: I loved this -- I laughed out loud!

Your text:

The familiar theme music undulated into the room, drawing in some more diehard viewers, my husband and his brother.

My Comment: Another grammar question. I wonder if the comma after "viewers" shouldn't be a colon?

Your text:

Feeling that brute force was occasionally better than cunning, he picked up Ravi bodily and was carrying him from the room.

My Comment: Passive voice -- I'd consider revising.

Your text:

Presumably to deposit him back in the front yard, where his attention should soon be diverted.

My Comment: Sentence fragment.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

** Image ID #1343917 Unavailable **

The great Sigs in the corner of the flag were given to me by
reikidreamer (sig by kiyasama)
dusktildawn
(I did the Evil Inside one. Handwriting is mine too!)
THANKFUL SONALI Now What? (sig by Humming Bird )
Many thanks to these wonderful WDC friends!

442

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2632220

Review of The Showoff

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.5)

I am always amazed when people can tell a real story in 55 words! This almost has the artistry of a haiku: each word has to carry the weight of several. This is a great story reminding us to be humble before the miracle of our Universe. Thank you for sharing it.

443

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2598476

Review of Security

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi Doug, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I saw your story on the review request page and I wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
I loved the plot for this story. The twist at the end was unexpected but original. I think you have the makings of a great horror story here!

Favorite Parts
I like the way the vegetation comes alive and "swallows" things here:

Thick vegetation had swallowed what used to be open space beneath the trees. Vines climbed the walls, reaching into the open windows then trailing out again.

Characters
You give great, vivid descriptions of Terri and of the monster, but we don't have any idea what Chad and Zach look like. Particularly describing Zach would be an opportunity for some foreshadowing.

Plot
Your plot is good -- although I have some comments below.

Setting
Very nice job on the setting.

Dialog
The dialog is natural and flows quite well.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

My biggest concern with this story is that the ending was not at all foreshadowed. Brad dates Terri for two weeks, clearly has no suspicions about her, then we are hit with the ending where he "was getting too close." Also, I think that the foreshadowing about Zach in the woods and Brad not liking the woods should be earlier and stronger to work effectively.

Some of the time lines seem curious to me. I have the impression from the narrative about growing up and going off to college that Brad and Zach are home visiting from college, yet they are clearly too old for that to be the case. Also, there is a pretty big time line shift from when Terri disappears to twenty minutes later when Brad is still searching. One would have expected fun changing to growing unease, then to panic.

Terri's name changes to Teri then to Tina by the end.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

For one example, here's your text with "quickly:"

As he did he saw the creature look quickly in his direction.

My Comment: Something like the following might be more vivid and not use the adverb:

The creature's eyes darted in his direction.

Adverbs like "very," "quickly," "completely," or "slowly" are better avoided.

I'm not sure about the POV shifts toward the end -- between the monster and his victim. Movies can do quick camera cuts like that, but it is difficult in a story and not usually a good idea. I think the scene would be more effective if you stayed in Brad's head as long as possible.

Finally, I note that your blurb on the review request page listed the story as 1600 words when in fact it is nearly 2700. Some reviewers would feel snookered into reviewing a longer piece than they had intended. It is important to be accurate in your word counts.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

“Hey, can you guys either break it up or get a room,” Zach called.

My Comment: Quotation tag should end with a question mark not a comma.

Your text:

My families secret is a physical thing.

My Comment: should be "family's"

Your text:

The porch and entryway were crumbling under the weight of time.

My Comment: "were crumbling" is passive voice. Better to say "crumbled"

Your text:

He hated the woods with a passion, always had.

My Comment: There are a few places where you introduce information on a "just in time" basis. Here, for example, I think it would have been more effective to have Brad's fear of the woods mentioned earlier, as foreshadowing. There's a couple of others as well. For example, the boyhood tale of Zach's disappearing into the woods might replace the story about the two teachers. It could then foreshadow some of the action.

Your text:

A heavy, impenetrable darkness filled the.

My Comment: there seems to be a word missing at the end of this sentence.

Your text:

Out the window, near the edge of a small thicket of trees, there was movement.

My Comment: Passive voice. Maybe

Out the window, near the edge of a small thicket of trees, something slithered though the mists.

Your text:

Hoping against hope that he could melt into the plaster and wood.

My Comment: This is a sentence fragment.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

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The great Sigs in the corner of the flag were given to me by
reikidreamer (sig by kiyasama)
dusktildawn
(I did the Evil Inside one. Handwriting is mine too!)
THANKFUL SONALI Now What? (sig by Humming Bird )
Many thanks to these wonderful WDC friends!

444

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14 days may be credited.

#2590896

Review of Baby Talk

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
ARGGHHH! This story so effectively and potently describes the frustrations of being helpless and in a hospital, all one can do is scream in sympathy! This is great, evocative writing and very imaginative!

Favorite Parts
The doctor's self-centered arrogance and insensitivity came across in every speech, indeed, in every syllable. This sentence in particular just dripped with uncaring ego.

I’m--Dr. Kopp, I have the results of your MRI. You have lesions in the optic nerves, some in the brain, and in your neck at the T-5 level.

Characters
The narrator's frustration and confusion and pain came through clearly. The insensitive and truly uncaring people in the hospital were even more vivid.

Plot
This didn't have a lot of plot, and nothing was resolved at the end, which is exactly the point of the piece. It would have been a huge mistake to have a "resolution" of anything at the end. you leave the reader hanging with the same frustration the patient feels.

Setting
The narrator's view of the car crash was good. His view of the hospital was a little less so. I think how the blankets felt, how his throat felt -- especially if they'ed had to use a respirator at any time -- how the IV felt, all that would have enhanced his feeling of oppression and entrapment.

Dialog
Great -- of course, that too was the point.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

This reminded me in part of the "The Doctor" which starred John Hurt from a few years back, but even more so "Whose Life is it, Anyway" which starred Richard Dreyfus (http://imdb.com/title/tt0083326/). Both of these movies are about how the patients in the medical system can become commodities without souls, at least in the eyes of those driving the system. An excellent theme and very well presented.

I have very few suggestions for improvement.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

not born of understanding or compassion

My Comment: I think "born neither of understanding nor compassion" would read better

Your text:

he gently applied pressure

My Comment: "applied gentle pressure" would read better, I think. Adverbs tend to slow things down.

Your text:

Do ya know where ya are?

My Comment: My experience with nurses of this type is that they raise their voices and speak with extra precision. Thus the "ya" that you use here and elsewhere seems a bit out of character to me. Now having the doctor slur his ten dollar words would fit.

Your text:

His imagination was running wild with the what ifs and the scenario that unfolded in his mind was a haunting rendition of something he had seen in a bad movie.

My Comment: This sentence seemed just a little run-on and awkward to me...if you agree, perhaps some modest rephrasing would help.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

** Image ID #1343917 Unavailable **

The great Sigs in the corner of the flag were given to me by
reikidreamer (sig by kiyasama)
dusktildawn
(I did the Evil Inside one. Handwriting is mine too!)
THANKFUL SONALI Now What? (sig by Humming Bird )
Many thanks to these wonderful WDC friends!

445

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2590830

Review of Olin College Application Eassy

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I saw your essay on the review request page and thought I'd give it a shot.

General Impressions
This is a very well written and well conceived essay. It tells us things about you and about why you feel that this college is the right one for you. There are no grammatical errors and the essay flows nicely.

Disclaimer

You should know that I'm the dean of the Graduate College at a major public university in the southwest. While I'm not involved in reading undergraduate essays of this type, I do have some sense of what the committee for our Honors College might be looking for. Our Honors College, like Olin, is highly selective.

A major purpose of these essays is to determine whether or not the candidate can write coherently, without grammatical error, and with good sentence and paragraph structure. This essay succeeds admirably in that regard.

However, according to their website Olin will only admit 75 students this fall. I am assuming that your test scores and grades will meet their stringent academic standards for admission. They are likely to receive hundreds of applications for admission. Unless your test scores are among the very best -- say the top one half of one per cent -- then you will want to make your essay stand out in some way.

In order to do that, you might consider the following from their admissions web page:

we place equal importance on personal character, creativity, risk-taking, unusual life experiences and an entrepreneurial spirit.

I'd recommend that your essay tell things about you that respond to these considerations. You have done a good job with the personal character part, but your essay is more or less silent on risk-taking, unusual life experiences and entrepreneurial spirit. Indeed, other places on their website seem to place considerable emphasis on the latter.

If you don't have any particularly trenchant history on these topics, then use the essay to tell how it is your dream to make to make the world better by starting a business, for example. But if you've worked while you were in high school, you should certainly mention that as a learning experience. For life experiences, if you have volunteered with a community organization, appeared in a play, or done something else unusual, tell what you learned about yourself from doing that.

This is your opportunity to tell them how the mission of the school and your life goals and experiences coincide. You have a good essay, but I think it would be even better if you added some words about the above.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

** Image ID #1343917 Unavailable **

The great Sigs in the corner of the flag were given to me by
reikidreamer (sig by kiyasama)
dusktildawn
(I did the Evil Inside one. Handwriting is mine too!)
THANKFUL SONALI Now What? (sig by Humming Bird )
Many thanks to these wonderful WDC friends!

446

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2582568

Review of Take the Good with the Bad

Review by

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. This is a very powerful story and I wanted to comment on it.

General Impressions
This slice of life -- or of death -- is very powerfully written. The style is very reminiscent of the early John Rechy in "City of Night" although the subject matter and the narrator are quite different. The tone is rebellious and lonely, melancholy and defiant all at once. Salinger gives Holden Caulfield in "Catcher in the Rye" a similar voice. This is remarkable writing.

Favorite Parts
Very vivid - sight and scent both come through here:

She had all the drapes drawn as usual. There were lit candles in strategic places and the smell of incense wafting through the air.

I wish more authors thought to include scent in their narratives.

THe author includes this powerful and magnificent quote from Henry James writing about Ivan Turgenov:

"This is not a world of peace and harmony and dispassionate rationality. Life is a battle. Hate is insolent and strong, beauty enchanting but rare; goodness most likely weak, folly most likely defiant; wickedness to carry the day; imbeciles to be in great places, people of sense in small, and mankind generally unhappy."

The author places this in quotes, says it is a quote, but doesn't mention James or Turgenov, in a deft touch of characterization. The narrator is far more literate and sensitive than his rebellious nature wants us to know.

Characters
THis is a very short piece, but all the charracters are vivid and realistic. The narrator's voice is pervasive, of course, but Ralph and Laura are described in a few short sentences and are distilled as unique characters.

Plot
This is a story disguised as slice of life. The progression from funeral to Tarot reading to the "cat house" is inevitable. The story is about love and fate and death, for only in love and death does the body so completely dominate the spirit. In love one can hope that the spirit will be resurrected. The narrator clearly knows this but seems to flee from the possibility.

Setting
Funeral, tarot reading, both were excellently protrayed in just a few words.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Not much to note here. The writing is clear, vivid, completely free from technical flaws. This was intense and intensely written. I'm not sure that adding some dialog, especially with Laura, might not have helped the pacing some by providing an interlude before the ending, but that might not fit with the overall style.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

** Image ID #1339874 Unavailable **

Many thanks for these great Sigs given to me by
reikidreamer (sig by kiyasama)
dusktildawn
(I did the Evil Inside one. Handwriting is mine too!)
THANKFUL SONALI Now What? (sig by Humming Bird )

447

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2582256

Review of Ivan's Night

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
This is a great little ghost story. The mood is ethereal and the plot is very creative.

Favorite Parts
Great image here:

Well I remember that night. Cold as Satan’s heart, it was, and dark.

I liked this description of the moon too

bathed in a pool of silver blood, the round moon smiled sadly back at him.

Characters
Ivan, lonely and depressed, is well drawn and believable. The somewhat ghoulish ambulance drivers are sketched less thoroughly but play their rolls well.

Plot
Usually ghost stories need to start slowly and build to a chilling climax, then have some either ghostly or melancholy resolution. This one does the latter in a very effective way. The final line is especially nice.

Setting
The home and the trees surrounding it were well described. I felt like I was there.

Dialog
Each character spoke with a distinctive voice.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

For example, in this sentence

before cautiously entering the hall

Instead of "cautiously" you could describe the physical cues that would tell someone watching he was being cautious. For example, perhaps he crept into the room, or kept his back to the wall, or his his shifted about. Any of those would give the reader a more vivid image. There are other similar places where you could, if you agree, remove the adverbs.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

Then he became aware of an agitated scratching sound,

My Comment: Passive voice...better to say something like "an agitated sound scratched at his awareness."

Your text:

Ivan’s entire body began to shiver convulsively

My Comment: More adverbs..."convulsed in shivers" might be more vivid.

Your text:

Ivan gasped, blood seeping from the boy’s torn sweatshirt.

My Comment: I'd make this two sentences, or maybe "Ivan gasped, seeing..."

I love ghost stories and this was a good one indeed! I hope you write more!

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

** Image ID #1339874 Unavailable **

Many thanks for these great Sigs given to me by
reikidreamer (sig by kiyasama)
dusktildawn
(I did the Evil Inside one. Handwriting is mine too!)
THANKFUL SONALI Now What? (sig by Humming Bird )

448

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2576553

Review of Short Story : About Emma Fay

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I found your your story on the review request page and wanted share my thoughts with you.

General Impressions
This is a nicely written story of abduction and rescue. I like the twist that the little girl is, at the end of the day, not only saves herself but saves her family.

Favorite Phrases
The descriptions were all very good. The one of the interior of the cabin stood out in particular.

All there was inside was two unmade beds, a thin table with somewhat matching chairs, crude fireplace with a big black kettle suspended in it, and various sizes of objects spread out across the room to catch the rainwater.

Characters
Miss Fay and Mr. Keller were well drawn, fully blown characters. You showed us who they were by putting them in motion and having them talk to each other. Really good job on this!

Plot
I like the plot, especially the feminist twist of the little girl being both the damsel in distress and the heroine rescuing everyone. That was very original and creative!

Setting
It took me a bit to pick up that this was a frontier setting, but once I did everything snapped into place.

Dialog
This was another strength of the story. Both the major characters spoke with distinctive and historical voices. They sounded like they were from a time long past, not displaced kids from suburbia. This was really quite excellent!

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I think the main thing that left me wondering was Mr. Keller's motivation for the kidnapping. Was he trying to replace a younger brother? Surely, since he planned to go to town, he would have eventually been caught. Indeed, if there is a town lurking in background someplace, wouldn't the Fays and the Kellers know of each other? I'm far from expert on this, but I had the impression that frontier families knew one another and helped one another.

It was also a little strange that Keller lived in an old, falling-down cabin and the Fays apparently still lived in wagons. In fact, it seemed strange that the Fays lived in wagons AND were plowing fields. Wouldn't they have needed to clear the fields and have used the resulting timber to build permanent shelter?

These little questions tickled my brain as I was reading. A sentence or two would probably answer them without any major revision.

Another unanswered question comes from this exchange:

“Miss Fay, how old are you?”

I wasn’t sure if I should tell him, because I knew he wouldn’t believe me. I answered him after a few moments. “I’m almost ten.” The look of disbelief covered his face as I had predicted.

From this I infer that Miss Fay's size is distinctive, probably distinctively small. I expected this to somehow play a role in the story, but it didn't seem to. THere is a famous line from Chekhov that goes something like, "If you show a rifle over the mantel in Act I, you better have someone shoot it by Act III." Her size seemed to be an unfulfilled expectation.

Finally, I wondered how Mr. Keller knew that the cat was deaf? This wouldn't be at all obvious.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

He asked as he slowly walked closer to me.

My Comment: I have this thing about adverbs. They lure us into passive voice and slow down the narrative and are often unnecessary. In this case it might be better to write something like

He asked as he edged toward me.

"Ambled" might be more appropriate for the period.

Your text:

He was waiting somewhat patiently for my reply.

My Comment: Adverbs and passive voice again. I'm not even sure you need this sentence -- it certainly is "telling" rather than "showing." Is there some nonverbal cue that let Miss Fay conclude he was waiting for her to speak?

Your text:

Don’t worry. I will not cut your hair.

My Comment: This is one of the very few places where the dialog fell out of character. Wouldn't he say "I won't cut your hair?"

Your text:

He did led you to me.

My Comment: Should be "lead" not "led."

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

There's one or two other places where you have unnecessary adverbs or where you slip into passive voice. I'm sure you can find these on your own and leave them or change them as you think appropriate.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing more just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

** Image ID #1307134 Unavailable **
** Image ID #1338237 Unavailable **
Many thanks to dusktildawn for giving me this great signature!

449

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#2575390

Review of Sasha's Safeway Stop

Review by

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I'm reviewing this as part of the writer's workshop.

General Impressions
This is a creepy little piece with a twisty ending. I wish it were longer!

Favorite Phrases
I love the word "susurrus" here

Scratching across the gentle susurrus of her sigh came the squeaky wheels of a crooked-axled grocery cart.

I've had this bag boy...well, "had" in the sense that he carried out my bags

she waited for the slow, gum-popping bag boy to approach.

Characters
We have Sasha, somewhat detached, her husband withdrawing from her, she seems withdrawn from her life as well. And there's that gum chewing bag boy. The one with the knife. I liked him a lot.

Plot
Good plotting and foreshadowing...I just wish there was more. Maybe put Sasha in the store checking out, trying to chat with the bag boy. Show us these two characters in motion, in word and deed, prior to the ending.

Setting
Spooky parking lot. We've all been there.

Dialog
No dialog. Need some.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I have only two major suggestions for this story. First, give me more of it! The characters, plot and setting are wonderful! They deserve that slow, gentle, buildup. We need to see the bag boy with his knife earlier, maybe in the store opening cartons or something. We need to have Sasha think indifferent, bloody thoughts about the bag boy and the knife. Give us more buildup to the great ending!

The second is that you occassionally fall into passive voice. I've listed a couple of examples below.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

Scratching across the gentle susurrus of her sigh came the squeaky wheels of a crooked-axled grocery cart.

My Comment: Much as I like the word "susurrus" this is passive voice...you might consider

the squeaky wheels of a crooked-axled grocery cart scratched across the gentle susurrus of her sigh.

Your text:

while behind him reposed a dead woman whose only crime had been life.

My Comment: Passive voice again. I know she's dead, but can't she metaphorically do something?

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing more just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

** Image ID #1316807 Unavailable **

If the dark side has an appeal for you, please visit my port and leave me a critique or two. I thrive on contact!

450

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14 days may be credited.

#2572205

Review of Feline Overflow

Review by

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I found your story on the review request page and I wanted to share my thoughts with you.

General Impressions
This is a charming narrative about a quirky guy who likes cats and his experiences at the grocery story buying supplies.

Characters
Larry came across as a kind of weird guy who happened to own a bunch of cats. The two check-out clerks were less fully drawn, but clearly share his interest in felines. The characters with the most potential to bring this story alive -- the cats -- are almost entirely off stage.

Plot
Well, as your post notes, there's not a lot of plot here. Larry has cats. He buys lots of cat food, litter and cat toys. The people at the grocery notice. One them makes a date with him.

Setting
Larry's home must be crazy with cat fur, cat toys, fur balls, cats underfoot, who knows what else. I really wanted to see all of this described, with the little furry critters around. With seventeen cats, a huge array of kitty personalities must be on display. Some needy, some playful, some aloof. Oh, wait, at various times every cat is like all of these. Still, his home with all its kitty residents should be a big part of this story instead of being off stage.

Dialog
The dialog between Larry and the checker didn't ring quite true in several places. I'd suggest reading your dialog out loud to check the verisimilitude. I'd also like to see Larry talking to the cats, and them talking back to him. I'd like to see all the nonverbal ways that cats are so expert at using to manipulate us.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Your basic question is how to take a flaky guy who owns seventeen cats and turn it into a bigger story, with a plot. In order to be interesting to a wider readership, ultimately this would need to be Larry's story. So I could see this as being a story about what is going in Larry's life -- work, job, girl friends, family -- and interlace the story of his human life with the acquisition of the cats. Each chapter in the human story could interleave with a new feline acquisition, and the cat could serve as a metaphor for how Larry's life is evolving.

Since Larry seems to be pretty quirky, is over thirty and unmarried, he must have a pretty hapless love life. The bit with the male checker wanting to take care of him makes me think that the male checker was really gay and hitting on him, which would make an interesting chapter all by itself. I could see this evolving into a situation comedy with recurring themes. Larry's bad luck on dates. Larry's eccentric mother who is allergic to cat fur. Larry's goofy boss who is always sneaking around, cat-like, to catch bad behaviors. What you have started with is a slice-of-life story, so expand its scope to include all of Larry's life. Make him a three-dimensional character, with family, friends, job, all as goofy and eccentric as he is. I see a lot of potential for warmth and humor and tragedy in this little scenario. Ultimately, though, we need to have Larry have some challenge confronting him that he eventually faces, either successfully or not.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing more just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

** Image ID #1316807 Unavailable **

If the dark side has an appeal for you, please visit my port and leave me a critique or two. I thrive on contact!