Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈's (mathguy) Reviews

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Review Requests: ON

1,661 Public Reviews Given

3,031 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

In depth, detailed, and supportive.

I'm good at...

Elements of craft that draw readers into your fictional world and your character's head.

Favorite Genres

SciFi, Mystery, Thriller, Horror

Least Favorite Genres

Fantasy

Favorite Item Types

Short stories

Least Favorite Item Types

nonfiction, poetry

I will not review...

I'm only interested in prose fiction. I will not review anything over 4000 words, nor will i review poetry. If you have a longer piece, please divide it into bite-sized chunks.

451

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14 days may be credited.

#2572205

Review of Feline Overflow

Review by

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I found your story on the review request page and I wanted to share my thoughts with you.

General Impressions
This is a charming narrative about a quirky guy who likes cats and his experiences at the grocery story buying supplies.

Characters
Larry came across as a kind of weird guy who happened to own a bunch of cats. The two check-out clerks were less fully drawn, but clearly share his interest in felines. The characters with the most potential to bring this story alive -- the cats -- are almost entirely off stage.

Plot
Well, as your post notes, there's not a lot of plot here. Larry has cats. He buys lots of cat food, litter and cat toys. The people at the grocery notice. One them makes a date with him.

Setting
Larry's home must be crazy with cat fur, cat toys, fur balls, cats underfoot, who knows what else. I really wanted to see all of this described, with the little furry critters around. With seventeen cats, a huge array of kitty personalities must be on display. Some needy, some playful, some aloof. Oh, wait, at various times every cat is like all of these. Still, his home with all its kitty residents should be a big part of this story instead of being off stage.

Dialog
The dialog between Larry and the checker didn't ring quite true in several places. I'd suggest reading your dialog out loud to check the verisimilitude. I'd also like to see Larry talking to the cats, and them talking back to him. I'd like to see all the nonverbal ways that cats are so expert at using to manipulate us.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Your basic question is how to take a flaky guy who owns seventeen cats and turn it into a bigger story, with a plot. In order to be interesting to a wider readership, ultimately this would need to be Larry's story. So I could see this as being a story about what is going in Larry's life -- work, job, girl friends, family -- and interlace the story of his human life with the acquisition of the cats. Each chapter in the human story could interleave with a new feline acquisition, and the cat could serve as a metaphor for how Larry's life is evolving.

Since Larry seems to be pretty quirky, is over thirty and unmarried, he must have a pretty hapless love life. The bit with the male checker wanting to take care of him makes me think that the male checker was really gay and hitting on him, which would make an interesting chapter all by itself. I could see this evolving into a situation comedy with recurring themes. Larry's bad luck on dates. Larry's eccentric mother who is allergic to cat fur. Larry's goofy boss who is always sneaking around, cat-like, to catch bad behaviors. What you have started with is a slice-of-life story, so expand its scope to include all of Larry's life. Make him a three-dimensional character, with family, friends, job, all as goofy and eccentric as he is. I see a lot of potential for warmth and humor and tragedy in this little scenario. Ultimately, though, we need to have Larry have some challenge confronting him that he eventually faces, either successfully or not.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing more just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

** Image ID #1316807 Unavailable **

If the dark side has an appeal for you, please visit my port and leave me a critique or two. I thrive on contact!

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14 days may be credited.

#2572148

Review of The Clock Maker

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I found your story review request page and I wanted to share my thoughts with you.

General Impressions
This story tells a very horrifying tale of demonic possession and murder. The plot is chilling and has great potential!

Favorite Phrases
This is a great active image and summarizes the story well:

“Come and walk with me into the darkness; for it shall give you consolation in these trying times,” whispered the fragile silhouette in the corner.

Characters
Over the course of the story, the man's obsessive compulsive character became clear. Eventually he became obsessed with his work, then with the thoughts of death of his family. He is quite horrifying and quite memorable.

Plot
The plot is relentless and inevitable. I do think that there needs to be more attention to foreshadowing. For example, about midway in the story the narrator says the voices "returned" but there had been no prior mention of them.

Setting
I think this would be a stronger story if more attention were paid to the setting. The clock workshop presents wonderful opportunities for clocks ticking away relentlessly, their sound and motion driving his obsessions forward. There could even be little mechanical figures in clocks, driven by the clockwork, with no will of their own -- foreshadowing the loss of will and obsession of the narrator.

Dialog
I think there really needs to be much more dialog in this story. Most especially I want to hear the evil voices whispering in the ear of the narrator. I want to know their words and what they sound like. I want to feel the chills thrilling down his spine, and to feel him struggle against the. You tell us all of this, but you need to show it by putting your characters in motion, in word and deed.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

My most significant suggestions are noted above. I would make this a much longer story, with the voices haunting the narrator as a young man. Show us what is happening by having the narrator speak with the voices, by putting him in motion. Show us where he works -- a place of full of motion and sound!

This is basically a story in three acts: Act I is the murder of his father; Act II is the happy time with his wife; the final act is when the voices return. Each act should have its own scene, setting, dialog, and action.

What you do now is tell the story. What I am asking you to do is to take this horrifying story and show it rather than tell it. This is a wonderful plot and a great pair of characters -- the demon and the narrator. Show them in conflict in word and in deed! Make them come alive in your reader's imagination!

The other suggestion I have is to try to use more active prose. In several places, for example, you choose to use adverbs like "malevolently" or "fiercely" or "softly." Instead of saying the smile is "malevolent" tells us through describing non-verbal cues how the narrator was able to infer that it was malevolent. Let your reader infer, from those same cues, that the smile is malevolent. This makes the reader your partner in imagining the world of your story and makes the story itself more vivid and real.

You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." So reducing the number of adverbs will automatically make your story more vivid.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing more just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

** Image ID #1316807 Unavailable **

If the dark side has an appeal for you, please visit my port and leave me a critique or two. I thrive on contact!

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#2570462

Review of Progression

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. Here's your return review. I have to add a similar caveat to this review as you gave mine. I've never been surfing in my life and so the world and vernacular of this story are foreign to me

General Impressions
This is tale of a lonely young man who seeks out a solitary challenge on the beach. He tests is mettle against the forces of nature and finds inner strength at the end.

Favorite Phrases
I liked the many descriptions of the beach, for example

There was a high, grey haze to the sky, not the typical clear sunny day tourists pictured.

Characters
The young man was revealed almost exclusively in action, with a little narration at the beginning to tell us about his background. I got some sense of his resolve and loneliness, but somehow didn't have as complete a picture of him as I would have expected.

Plot
Boy meets surf, boy conquers surf, boy grows up...kind of a classic, I think, and well done.

Setting
The beach was well visualized, but the surfing descriptions were most difficult for me to follow. Having never surfed, I don't know any of the language and this was quite heavy on surfing jargon -- or so it seemed to me. For a non-initiate such as myself, having less of the vernacular and more conventional language would have made a better story. Better yet would be to intersperse the vernacular with English (well, midwestern English at least) that revealed the meaning of the less familiar usages from context.

Dialog
I would have liked this better if there were a way to insert dialog. In particular, rather than telling the back story about few friends etc. if you could have shown it in dialog this would have been stronger. I also think he might have overheard dialog from the spectators on the beach -- another way to show us what they are about rather than telling.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

My main suggestions are noted above and have to do with what seemed to me to be technical surfer jargon (which may just be my own ignorance) and a tendency to tell rather than show.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

He was heading to where he surfed all the time, he was a local there.

My Comment: This is a "comma splice." You should do this as two sentences.

Your text:

It was a series of rock reefs that projected off the coast. It broke left on a south or south west ground swell.

My Comment: I'm not sure what "it" is referring to in either of these sentences: the beach? The waves? The cliffs?

Your text:

There were numerous spider fractures in the fiberglass, the deck was punctured and there was a ding in the rail near the nose.

My Comment: "There were" is realtively passive. I'd suggest a more active phrasing such as

Tiny fractures spidered through the fiberglass, holes punctured the deck, and a ding marred the rail near the nose.

This makes the fractures, the holes, and the ding active rather than passive - they "spidered" or "punctured" or "marred." It is your description, but with verbs rather than adjectives.

You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." There are a few places where you insert adverbs where they could either be eliminated or more active phrases would be better. For example

Your text:

the suddenly hard, hostile water hit him in the chest,

My Comment: You might try something like

the hard, hostile water shocked him in the chest,

Again, "shocked" is more vivid, conveys the notion of "sudden" and doesn't slow down the narrative. Especially here, the narrative needs to drive forward relentlessly.

I'm sure you can find better descriptions than these -- especially since a corn field is the closest I've ever gotten to surfing! I'm just trying to get at the notion of using active prose...

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing more just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

** Image ID #1316807 Unavailable **

If the dark side has an appeal for you, please visit my port and leave me a critique or two. I thrive on contact!

454

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14 days may be credited.

#2568281

Review of Bitter love....

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I found your story on the review request page and thought I'd give it a try. I'm glad I did.

General Impressions
Well, this is one scary little monologue! It reminded somewhat of "It's a Good Life" by Jerome Bixby -- you know, the story that the famous Twilight Zone is based on. Not that yours is derivative, it just reminded me of that in terms of tone and, er, scariness.

Favorite Phrases
This little story just builds and builds...to this...

I move from the white shadows and sniff the air, thankful that her strawberry scent remains. If I close my eyes, she’s there with me…in my arms…in love…

Characters
We see the narrator, a juicy character indeed, and through the narrator the saccharine and annoying Idola. I too long for her just due!

Plot
Well, now,this just slithers right along. It stops at the right place too, leaving the reader wanting more, knowing more will happen eventually...

Setting
Hmmm...this is so short something has to give...I guess that dialog and setting would be the things to give up.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I liked this story a lot -- it has just the right gruesome flavor to whet my appetite. I think the one thing I'd like more of is a description of the narrator, and the relationship with Idola. Is the narrator her evil twin, another child, a gremlin? Somehow I sense that the narrator is like the one in "It's A Good Life" -- a feared mutant.

One minor quibble -- I think that the contration for "it is" is "it's" not "its."

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing more just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

** Image ID #1316807 Unavailable **

If the dark side has an appeal for you, please visit my port and leave me a critique or two. I thrive on contact!

455

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14 days may be credited.

#2566264

Review of the Science Project

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. Since you asked in the Muse's workshop, I thought I'd give one of your stories a read. How glad I am that I did!

General Impressions
I'm still smiling over this little vignette. It has humor, mystery, romance, conflict, humor, family, triumph, beer, humor, and scotch. Oh, and did I mention humor? I pretty much have no sense of humor at all, so I really appreciate people who do. I liked this a lot.

Favorite Phrases
This was a great line:

“Most Respected Father,” he said okay, maybe he didn’t say that but I am sure that was what he was thinking.

It was worth repeating...oh, wait, you did.

Characters
All the characters shown through nicely.

Plot
As I said above, mystery, conflict, fatherhood, and a nice happy resolution!

Setting
Hmmm...well, I got the Scotch and the beer and the sofa...so I'm picturing my living room...but there wasn't much in the way of setting. I'm not sure you'd want much, given the nature of the piece, though.

Dialog
I loved the dialog-as-the-narrator-wishes it had gone! Very clever!

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

This was written more or less in a stream of consciousness style. Generally I find this almost impossible to read, very annoying, distracting, and generally icky. In this case, it was just right!!! I loved the streams about the lovely breasts, how your wife is a good smoocher, how the son grew up to be successful, and so on. They really livened the story and brought the narrator fully to life.

Oh, did I mention I thought the story was funny? And I like beer. A story with beer can't be all bad.

The only big comment I have is that you didn't tell us how the mystery of the undeveloped photos was successfully resolved. Having been there many times -- whether photos, or nature diaries, cup cakes -- I can guess. But I think the story would be stronger with the mystery explicitly resolved. I think that would be a better tag line than the one you've got. Also, wouldn't a judge have to recuse himself from judging his own, admittedly brlliant, offspring's entry?

Given that this was a stream-of-conscious story, I'm hesitant to mention punctuation and grammar, but there were a couple of places where I really think you meant to type something different that what is on the page. Those comments follow.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

Our son my wife’s and mine; I refuse to take full responsibility,

My Comment: I think you need a comman after "son"

Our son, my wife’s and mine; I refuse to take full responsibility,

Your text:

“Hmnn it’s hard to slur hmnn so I find it is always a good opener, throws everyone off, B. I don’t know this week sometime I guess when is it due?

My Comment: (slurring my comments here...slurping beer as I type...) There seem to be some quotes missing here, and "B." is enigmatic. I suppose it is the son?

“Hmnn," it’s hard to slur 'hmnn' so I find it is always a good opener, throws everyone off. "B. I don’t know this week sometime I guess when is it due?"

Your text:

My lovely wife and she is indeed lovely, who was also in the room, and most likely doing something productive. From her direction I heard a heavy sigh and then observed her head fall to her breast they are also lovely, I might add as she calmly whispered “oh B.” actually I’d like to add, there is no ‘might’ about it, her breasts are quite lovely.

My Comment: Since this whole paragraph is a hilarious stream (pausing to slurp some more beer...) why put a period after "productive." The first sentence is a fragment with the period, but it flows into the rest of the thought stream if the period is omitted.

There's a couple of other examples, but I need to get some more beer so I'll stop here.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing more just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

PS Did I mention your story was funny?

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

** Image ID #1316807 Unavailable **

If the dark side has an appeal for you, please visit my port and leave me a critique or two. I thrive on contact!

456

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14 days may be credited.

#2556652

Review of A Long Summers Night

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. You were kind enough to review one of my stories and I wanted to return the favor.

General Impressions
This is very powerful story that tells of injustice and racial hatred. The story burns with authenticity off of the page and made me burn for the injustice described. Yet the nonviolent them of the story shines through in a very inspirational way. I'm very glad I read this story, even though the content was so tragic and sad.

Favorite Phrases
Of course the father's declaration has to be here:

You fight with your words son, not with your fist. That’s the only way to truly accomplish something, and you remember that.

I also found this poignant:

The next morning I awoke to the sound of birds chirping, and the sun glistened through the trees.

Characters
All the characters were well-realized. You put your characters in motion and revealed them through word and deed. I'd even include the KKK members, although of course they were less well fully drawn. I'm sure these men, doing these horribly evil things, went home to families who loved them. Showing that horrifying disconnect might add to the power of the message.

Plot
This drives forward to an inevitable climax. Good foreshadowing at the start so I knew what was coming, which built the tension waiting.

Setting
This was good too, although a few more details might have helped.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I kind of question the presence of Huck Finn at the opening. The racial stereotypes of this novel are grating to a modern reader, although I admit that was likely the opposite of Twain's intent. Depending on the time, I wonder if something by Frederick Douglass or W.E.B. Dubois might have better served the narrative purpose?

Other than that all of my comments are very minor.

I found a few of the colloquialisms a little strange, but then I'm from the North originally. For example,

Let’s go you dirty n*****, common!

The "common" was unfamiliar to me. "Common" appears earlier too, in one of Momma's speeches. Here's another:

now you’re really in high water!

Where I grew up (Iowa) we would have said "hot" water. I imagine these are just things I don't recognize. However if "common" is supposed to be transliteration for some phrase (like "come on") then perhaps some extra punctuation would help convey meaning as well as speech patterns.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

mama began hollerin at us to come get supper.

My Comment: This is pretty minor, but I think a trailing apostrophe on hollerin would look better:

mama began hollerin' at us to come get supper.

This happens a couple of other places too.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing more just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

** Image ID #1316807 Unavailable **

If the dark side has an appeal for you, please visit my port and leave me a critique or two. I thrive on contact!

457

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2556472

Review of Prelude to Lockup - No Crime Needed

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I found your story on the review page and saw your request involved counting and I thought, that's for a MathGuy! You know, there are three kinds of people, those who can count and those who can't. Pause for laughter. OK, now on to your story and your problem. Since I've read your story I'll also give you a quick critique of it.

General Impressions
This is a well laid out story, told from the viewpoint of the officer on the scene. It is really hard to do an entire story in 500 words, but you have accomplished it. There is mystery (what did he find?), characters (the officer and the brusque social worker), setting (the old house) and a twist at the end. And you got in some very believable dialog! Nice job overall!

Characters
The brusque social worker was well drawn in a few short speeches. The concerned but dutiful and insecure officer was likewise well done.

Plot
This is written as a short mystery with a resolution at the end that is sad. That too was well done.

Setting
Maybe an extra adjective here and there about the house (pealing paint, musky smell, whatever) would help. But then there's that pesky word limit.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Before I make suggestions to reduce word count, one suggestion on word choice. You early on say the officer found a "young man." Wouldn't a police officer think "young male?" And that is fairer to your reader. "Young man" is a little misleading given the denouement.

Now to the word count. First, counting the title my word processor says that you've only got 507 words, not 514. I'm not sure what the difference is.

Your text:

As the social worker started toward the house, the police officer hurried to catch up with her.

My Comment:

As the social worker strode toward the house, the police officer hurried to catch up.

This is both more active and saves 2 words.

Your text:

Walking beside the aging blue haired lady he wanted to prepare her for what she was going to encounter within the confines of the old Victorian house.

My Comment:

Walking beside the aging blue haired lady he wanted to prepare her for what she was going to encounter within the confines of the old Victorian house.

"confines of" is redundant and saves 2 more words.

Your text:

That was the reason he had gone to that address and found the elderly woman dead, and after looking around he was not only shocked, but appalled, at what he had found locked away in the basement of that old historical home.

My Comment:

That was the reason he had gone to that address and found the elderly woman dead. After looking around he was both shocked and appalled at what he had found locked away in the basement of that historical home.

3 more words gone.

Your text:

He walked faster trying to keep up with the social worker so that he could tell her what he had found.

My Comment:

He walked faster to keep up with the social worker; he needed to tell her what he had found.

2 more down. That's nine. five more to go.

Your text:

He wanted to explain to her that because of his brother being born with a disability he had first hand knowledge about the inhumane treatment of people in the nursing homes and state run institutions, but they were already on the front porch of the stately old house.

My Comment:

He wanted to explain to her that because his brother was born with a disability he had first hand knowledge about the inhumane treatment of people in the nursing homes and state run institutions, but they were already on the front porch of the stately old house.

Reads a little better, I think, and one more word gone.

Your text:

She turned toward him and asked, “Are you the officer that was first on the scene

My Comment:

She turned toward him and asked, “Are you the officer that was first on the scene?”

No words saved -- but I think you forgot the punctuation.

Your text:

“Yeah, and I would like ta talk to ya.”

My Comment:

“Yeah. I’d like ta talk to ya.”

2 more gone.

Your text:

“Latter...just keep everyone back...the last thing I need is for some bleeding-heart to tell me how to do my job.

My Comment: Would a social worker really call a copy a bleeding-heart? Some other epithet seems appropriate. No words saved though.

Your text:

When the men from the state facility get here show them where to find the subject and then don’t let anyone try to help them.

My Comment:

When the men from the state facility get here, show them where to find the subject. Don’t let anyone interfere with them.

3 more gone.

Your text:

He realized that professional courtesy was more than just a few words spoken at the proper time.

My Comment:

He realized that professionalism was more than just a few words spoken at the proper time.

1 more gone

I think that is 16 words gone.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! This was a nice story and a fund exercise for me! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing more just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

** Image ID #1316807 Unavailable **

If the dark side has an appeal for you, please visit my port and leave me a critique or two. I thrive on contact!

458

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14 days may be credited.

#2554836

Review of The Consultation

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I saw your essay on the review request page and thought I'd give it a go.

General Impressions
Over all this is pretty amusing. Not hilarious, but amusing. It also gave me another reason to be thankful for being a gay guy. Those stirrup thingees sounded pretty freaky. Hmmm, Although there was that time I broke that antique vase from his Grandmother and my partner threatened to...well, never mind.

I guess some things are common in all relationships.

Anyway, this was pretty funny.

Oh, and those clamp thingees. You just made that up, right?....Right? Please?

Favorite Phrases
OK, you had me going there in the doctor's office, waiting there with no pants, until this line

He came in a little closer and said “I don’t know; I’m the UPS man.”

That part at least sounded familiar, like it could have happened to me. This was pretty funny too:

I did receive flowers from Vito at Christmas

Do you have his address? He sounds like a catch and my partner is still mad about that vase.

Characters
Your narrator was quite a character, along with those old guys who got high on viagra.

Plot
A great Stephen King-style horror story. The tension builds throughout with the plot headed toward the inevitable denouement. But then nothing happened, which was a relief for you but kind of a let down dramatically. Does your wife know you didn't follow through? Maybe you should break an antique vase instead of having the procedure. Based on my experience, if we had been a straight couple, we wouldn't have needed any birth control for...hmm...well, ever since really...

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I liked this. It made me smile.

However, I'm not very good with humor. In fact,you should be worried that I thought this was funny. That probably means that only old, gay, math guys will like your stuff. That's not a huge market, but it is certainly a vitally important one to reach. Almost no one markets to old, gay math guys.

Those clamp thingees were made up, right?

A very minor line edit:

Your text:

I sat pant less with my feet in the stirrups

My Comment: I think it should be "pantless" or "Pant-less" or maybe "without pants."

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing more just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy
PS Do send me Vito's name and phone number...

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

** Image ID #1316807 Unavailable **

If the dark side has an appeal for you, please visit my port and leave me a critique or two. I thrive on contact!

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#2554700

Review of Airlock

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy, coming back to see what was new in your port. I'm glad I did.

General Impressions
This is a wonderful start for a story! I love the narrative idea that you have here -- cuts between disjointed recordings of the survivor. I'm not sure that it will work for an entire story -- it will present challenges on scene setting and dialog, to mention two big hurdles. But is provides a terrific hook to what starts as what promises to be a terrific story.

Favorite Phrases
This is really a really believable and very suspenseful monologue. It conveys lots of information, but does it by putting the characters in motion and creating dramatic urgency. The tag line promises more...

Issacs is still alive, and he’s after me. He’s hunting me. Sickbay is the first place he’ll look for me. He’s gone crazy like the rest. But he’s smart. The infection won’t wipe that away. He knows me. He knows what I’ll do.
We were lovers, after all…

Characters
There's only one character here, but he his fear and desperation are well drawn.

Plot
I want to see so much MORE of this plot. Will it be viral zombies, like in 28 Days and Serenity? Or will it be something else? Good job of keeping the suspense and mystery going.

Setting
Well, one of the challenges with the format you have is creating a sense of place. There is some of that, with the mention of touch screens for example, but it will be hard to do this if you stick with this format all the way through. As you develop the idea, I'd suggest interspersing these taped segments between more conventional parts of the story that are either flash-backs or flash-forwards, or both.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Other than finishing this great idea, my main suggestion is above regarding the narrative format. I really like this start, and I know that you will build on the relationships that are suggested here. Keep working on it, please! I don't like having to rate a fragment...but I'll rate on what is here rather than what I wish were here.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

{I don’t know that for sure, I’m not a doctor; but I think it came in through the airlock.

My Comment:I'm not sure this is consistent with what you say later about it coming in with Clive and Inashi, unless I've misunderstood the latter segment.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing more just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

** Image ID #1316807 Unavailable **

If the dark side has an appeal for you, please visit my port and leave me a critique or two. I thrive on contact!

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#2554499

Review of Just an Ordinary Day

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed it and I wanted to share my thoughts with you.

General Impressions
This short story has a powerful theme which is revealed in the title, in the opening incident, and in the denouement. The writing is concise and clear and the story drives to the conclusion.

Favorite Phrases
I saw the prowler right along with Clarice as I read this!

She saw evil black eyes, greasy dank hair, and smelled rotten whiskey breath.

Characters
We see that Clarice is a dedicated physician, tired after a trying and emotional day. We understand her desire for release and relaxation. Her daughter and the murderer are sketched in only a sentence or two, but play their roles.

Plot
The plot is very well thought out and delivered.

Setting
These lines give me a pretty good sense of the final setting and engages all the senses--excellent!

She lowered the lights, inhaled the jasmine from her favorite candle, eased herself in the tub and took a sip of Merlot.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

This is a terrifically plotted story with a powerful theme. I think my main suggestion would be make it longer and more developed. Instead of telling us about the patient dying and the stress of telling the relatives, it would be so much more powerful if you showed us these scenes actually happening from Clarice's viewpoint. Have her frantically trying to save the patient, put her in motion in the ICU, then, in resignation, calling the patient. Most difficult, I think, but most important, would to write the scene where she tells the relatives. Through all of this you could foreshadow your theme and your ending.

In the return home, you show the mother and daughter in dialog which is good. You might again foreshadow the ending and the theme by having the daughter complain about being unlucky about something trivial -- a date, or a speeding ticket perhaps. Through all of these prosaic details you can build the tension, perhaps by hinting at the prowler waiting outside.

In summary, I love the theme, settings, plot, and characters. I love them so much I want more of them!!! This is a powerful story that deserves to be longer!

You might consider a different title as it telegraphs the plot a little too much I think. Instead you might have this phrase appear in dialog in the hospital and then again when Clarice gets home.

A couple of other very minor comments:
Your text:

The joy of delivering babies was like a child given a bottle of soap solution to blow a unique bubble each time.

I think there is a word missing here. I wonder if you meant "was like being a child..."

I'm not sure it adds anything to tell us that her stereo was a Bose; in fact it was a little distracting, at least for me.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing more just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

** Image ID #1316807 Unavailable **

If the dark side has an appeal for you, please visit my port and leave me a critique or two. I thrive on contact!

461

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#2553184

Review of Housework

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1328917 Unavailable **

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. You recently were kind enough to review one of my stories and I wanted to return the favor.

General Impressions
I'm still laughing over this story. The tension builds so relentlessly, the screw turning ever tighter, the reader can just visualize the evil intent of the one who creeps forward...and then, BOOM! You hit us with a wonderful slapstick ending! Very clever writing, very clever ending. Nice job!

Favorite Phrases
This is so perfect, so menacing:

It was wide enough to cover someone’s face, yet small enough for ease of handling.

Very evocative scene setting here:

The Summer sun poked its way through the dining room window while a sporadic breeze tousled the lacy curtains

Characters
Olga was so well drawn with so few strokes of the pen. You didn't mention the bubble gum popping, but I could hear it in my head.

Plot
Zing! This was terrific!

Setting
Good visualizations here too.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I think there are several places where semi-colons are misplaced, for example:

The sound of water rushing from the kitchen indicated her mother; Flora was doing dishes from this morning’s breakfast.

You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing."

For example your text says:

After a minute or so, obscured by the sounds of whistling and running water, footsteps entered the living room; slowly, methodically.

I wonder if it would be more active to say something like "footsteps crept into the living room with an evil purpose?" -- or something to that effect. "Crept" gives a more active image than "entered...slowly" for instance.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

** Image ID #1316807 Unavailable **

If the dark side has an appeal for you, please visit my port and leave me a critique or two. I thrive on contact!

462

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14 days may be credited.

#2549622

Review of Hades

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I saw your piece in the "newbies" part of the main page and, on reading it, was prompted to write to you.

General Impressions
I really liked this a lot. I love the idea that ancient myths have reality in the modern world! Starting this story in the canals of Venice is wonderful. The writing is full of active images and prose -- this is very nicely done!

Favorite Phrases
Good, active images are densely packed in this paragraph!

The water was dark and seemed to swallow the whole night sky in its vastness.

The water, previously a mirror reflecting the sky, was now covered in ripples from falling raindrops.

The man walked onward until he was nothing but a shadow in the distance.

Characters
As you develop this piece, you will want to tell us more about the viewpoint character. What is he thinking and feeling? What let him to this place? Is he dead or on a quest? What do the canals smell like? What does the underworld smell like?

Plot
Well, this is an opening, and a great one at that! But so far there the plot is waiting to unfold..

Setting
I love the way have drawn Venice, and then fade through the fog to the underworld. These are great active descriptions.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

The opening sentence in a story is critical: it needs to reach out and grab the reader by the throat and force them to read on. Yours was a little to passive and too long for my taste:

It was night in Venice; the air was chilly, the streets of water dark, the fog wound its way into every crevasse of the city.

Generally speaking you do a great job with active verbs and descriptions. THere are a few places where you fall into passive tense such as:

a mechanic buzzing was heard

It would be better to say something like "mechanical buzzing thrummed" or "mechanical buzzing assaulted his ears." The active verbs engage the reader's imagination and thus make the images more vivid, while passive verbs put the reader in "listening" mode.

Another way to make your writing active is to insert some dialog. This puts your characters in motion and again engages the reader in an active way. Thus a sentence or two exchange between the viewpoint character and Charon would be helpful. This can also help reveal more about the viewpoint character.

There are some minor proof-reading errors. For example, "seed" instead of "seen", "moments pause" instead of "moment's pause." These are easily fixed.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing!!! This was a really great paragraph and made me want to read more!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

** Image ID #1316807 Unavailable **

If the dark side has an appeal for you, please visit my port and leave me a critique or two. I thrive on contact!

463

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14 days may be credited.

#2547729

Review of My Best Buddy

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello,

This is Bill, the Mathguy. I'm commenting on this story as part of the W/W writing competition forum. I hope that you find my comments useful!

My comments will use the criteria set by the forum which awards points for ten different criteria. If I think a criterion doesn't make sense for your story, I will mark it as N/A and move on to the next one. In case you were wondering, I'm just another newbie member of the forum and not a contest judge!

I only review things that I like, so be assured that I liked your story.

However, my reviews almost always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

General Impression (9/10 points)
What a heart-warming story of a young man's transformation and a grandfather's love! I loved the theme, loved the grandfather, and came to love Fawad!

Opening (9/10 points)
Excellent start -- you introduce the lonely grandfather, the reluctant and selfish grandson, all in a few well-chosen sentences.

Plot (9/10 points)
This too is excellent, not a wasted word or phrase, everything builds naturally to the transformation at the ending.

Ending (10/10 points)

Tears in my eyes...

Characters (9/10 points)
Another strength. Fawad and his grandfather are fully realized. Bilal seems less so, and the parents seem an afterthought. Perhaps a little more about the essentially ungrateful parents and the spoiled Bilal would add to the story.

Dialog (9/10 points)
Believable, very good. A nice mix of narrative and dialog.

Setting (5/10 points)
Ah, here I would like more. From the names, I picture an exotic (well, to someone from Oklahoma anyway) locale full of interesting sights, sounds and smells. I really got very little sense of place in this story and there is so much potential for this to add to the transformation. Maybe Fawad takes these sights and sounds for granted, then misses them when he is confined?

Pace and flow (8/10 points)
Quite good here too.

Point of View (8/10 points)
This was "omniscient third person" (I think that is the technical term) but the focus shifts back and forth a couple of times from Fawad to his grandfather. This didn't really bother me, although I wonder if it might have been better to stay focused on Fawad throughout? You could have him overhear a conversation between his grandfather and Kareem, for example, to capture how his grandfather is worried about. That gives you another chance to show Fawad's scorn and make his later transformation more dramatic.

Final Impression (9/10 points)
I really liked this story a lot!!

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

** Image ID #1316807 Unavailable **

If the dark side has an appeal for you, please visit my port and leave me a critique or two. I thrive on contact!

464

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14 days may be credited.

#2547616

Review of Seven

Review by

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hello,

This is Bill, the Mathguy. I'm commenting on this story as part of the W/W writing competition forum. I hope that you find my comments useful!

My comments will use the criteria set by the forum which awards points for ten different criteria. If I think a criterion doesn't make sense for your story, I will mark it as N/A and move on to the next one. In case you were wondering, I'm just another newbie member of the forum and not a contest judge!

I only review things that I like, so be assured that I liked your story.

However, my reviews almost always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

General Impression (7/10 points)
I liked the mood you set in this piece. I really felt the woman's desperation and despair. I absolutely loved the descriptions of the motel room:

he meandered over to what was supposed to be the bathroom, but should have been more appropriately labeled, “The Hellhole”.

she tossed it into the nearby trashcan, which must have been the cleanest, least used appliance in the entire room.

I've stayed in motels just like that!!

Opening (6/10 points)
The opening was good, especially this line:

The wheels so low on air, every little bump caused the body to scrape against the road, and furious sparks soared out on either side of the vehicle.

But, to be honest, I think it could be tightened up as the language seemed a bit passive. For example, there are three adverbs in the opening. Stephen King says the road to hell is paved with adverbs -- which may be where your driver is headed, but that is not what he had in mind!

Adverbs tend to put the reader in passive rather than active mode, receiving rather than imagining with you. For example, this sentence

A single headlight shone, dimly, giving her a vague idea of what lied before her.

might be improved by describing the twists and turns of the road emerging from the darkness in the "dim glow of a single headlight." That puts the reader in motion (seeing the images emerging) while conveying the same image.

Plot (3/10 points)
The woman is fleeing from something or someone associated with the Lucky Seven Casino Bar. She's driving through a bad storm, gets a ticket then goes to a sleazy hotel. We know there is conflict, but we don't know what it is. Personally I wanted to know about the conflict, how it changed the woman, and why I cared about her there in that motel. I think the great settings and other elements you have here deserve more exposition and especially something at the end to tie things together, even if there is no traditional resolution.

Ending (3/10 points)
For me this story just stopped, so I was less happy with this.

Characters (5/10 points)
You did a good job with the main character. However I'd like to have the policeman and the hotel clerk be more fully realized.

Dialog (N/A / 10 points)
One the main ways I think this story could be improved is by adding dialog. For example, you have a strong image of the cop approaching the car:

the sloshing footsteps of the cop

but then you say the "usual dialog took place." Having the policeman and the woman actually speak puts the characters in motion and makes them more vivid. "Show don't tell" should be author's mantra.

Setting (9/10 points)
As already noted, this was excellent throughout.

Pace and flow (9/10 points)
This was also good right up to the end.

Point of View (9/10 points)
This was consistent throughout.

Final Impression (6/10 points)
I liked the mood of this story and the setting. There were a few places where I think the descriptions reached a little too hard ("humble" motel, "metalic" lever, "ghostly" parking lot, "shakingly" put out her cigarette). Some of these are what I meant earlier by tightening up the prose. There is a fine line between describing things and describing just enough to fire the reader's imagination.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

** Image ID #1316807 Unavailable **

If the dark side has an appeal for you, please visit my port and leave me a critique or two. I thrive on contact!

465

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14 days may be credited.

#2547039

Review of The Ultimate Job

Review by

Rated: ASR

| (3.5)

Hi, Ben, this is Bill, the MathGuy. The blurb for your story -- and the fact you are a fellow Sooner! -- hooked me! I'm a sucker for goofy SciFi stories and you delivered!

I love the whole concept of this little story. A starship/limo driver at the future academy awards. The mind reels at the comedic potential for this idea! Your story delivers, with a narrator who is "not the brightest ray in the sun" -- to use your phrase -- eagerly anticipating the glory and riches of being a limo driver to the stars (so to speak).

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I think my main suggestion for improvement here would be to lengthen the story and build on the concept. I'd like to see the narrator dealing with a future version of Brad Pitt or -- better yet -- Paris Hilton. There is much opportunity to parody current celebrities with aliens whose characteristics exaggerate the familiar ones. Maybe John Travolta is still around and the Scientologists turn out to be right after all. There are so many zany South Park style possibilities here! There might even be a whole series of stories here! Go for it!!!

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

PS I'm at OU-Tulsa...nice to see someone from the branch campus in Norman on WDC!!

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

** Image ID #1316807 Unavailable **

If the dark side has an appeal for you, please visit my port and leave me a critique or two. I thrive on contact!

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#2546981

Review of Ashtray

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Leon, this is Bill, the MathGuy. The blurb for your story on the "Review Request" page hooked me as much as anything.

Your offer of either enjoying the story or enjoying writing a negative review was what hooked me, and, lucky me, I really enjoyed the story as I hate writing negative reviews!

I thought this was a very sad story of innocence lost. The image of the pathetic ashtray, with the paint dribbling down the side, as the mother's only remembrance of her child is powerful indeed.

it wobbled and some of the dark green paint had obviously started to drip before it was dry

The other image that stays with me is the description of Jane's picture of her mother.

Jane drew her mother by using thick yellow lines over spidery gray ones. Also, more interesting to Ms. Blakely, Jane drew a large, red, needle sticking out of her mother’s right arm.

This last image managed to be simultaneously chilling and poignant.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

My main suggestion for this story is to make it longer! The plot and the vivid images deserve more development! The whole paragraph about Jane's teacher asking her questions -- it would be so much more vivid to reveal this in dialog than in narrative. You tell us Jane is skinny; I imagine her clothes are unkempt and the other children are mean to her. Maybe her teacher is her only friend? Show us these two characters in motion, interacting with one another, reveal the story through actions and words.

"Show don't tell" is a mantra for authors because it engages the imagination of the reader. By telling us the events relating to Jane's teacher instead of slowly revealing them through dialog and characters in motion you make your readers passive. Making the characters active makes your reader active and so more engaged in your story. This can only increase the punch of your ending, which is excellent!

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

** Image ID #1316807 Unavailable **

If the dark side has an appeal for you, please visit my port and leave me a critique or two. I thrive on contact!

467

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14 days may be credited.

#2545332

Review of A Wasted Life

Review by

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I found your story very interesting and I wanted to share my thoughts with you.

This is a very impressive little noir police story -- especially so if you wrote it in 48 hours as the contest entry suggests!

The dialog is snappy and the character of Duvall is deftly drawn. Mandrell and the other characters are less well-developed, as one might expect in a story of this length. In fact, since this is only 2500 words it might be better if there were fewer characters as they tended to blur together. For example, there seems little reason to mention Cap Jay by name, or Tony Montana or Mara Salvatrucha, none of whom are critical to the plot.

Daz is by far the most interesting character but we get to see very little of him. What motivated someone to go from an MBA to a cold-blooded drug dealer and a killer of a child? Moreover, how did he get the gangs to accept him as their leader? There's a very interesting story behind him that I'd like to hear.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

They are just one person's opinion, so please use or discard my comments as your muse instructs.

Generally the writing is crisp and appropriate to the genre. I would have preferred some more vivid descriptions of settings and characters in some places though. For example when Daz first appears you write

He was not garbed in the usual hood gangster atire. He wore a blue Armani suit with a blue hankercheif exposed out of his left breast pocket. His alligator skin John Lobb's had blue tips.

This would be a great opportunity for the detective to make some pithy mental observation about Daz's character or past mis-deeds, a la Raymond Chandler. Instead we just get a description of his attire. Given the prior references to street gangs, the attire is a startling revelation that is just passed over and actually interupts the flow a bit. I think giving Daz a more prominent role earlier in the story, along with telling more of his back story, would add to the drama. In some ways Daz and Duvall are mirror images of each other, right?

(Of course "atire" should be "attire" and "hankercheif" should be "handkerchief" in the above.)

As to the plotting, I was a little surprised that the two dirty cops were so willing to sacrifice their stash to save the little girl. You make some references to how they plan/hope to still keep most of the stolen drug money, but there is no debate at all between them on this. After all, they are dirty cops -- wouldn't their first priority be to save their own sorry a**es and then to save their money?

The fact that Duvall and Mandrell are involved in a cover-up explains why they went after Daz without backup. However the turn of events in which they surrender their guns seems to happen without hesitation on their part and to go by too quickly. The whole sequence at the end was rapid-fire and unexpected with the the gang being led by an Armani-clad MBA, the surrender of the guns, the killing of the girl with the officer's weapons (good twist, that) and then the viewpoint character being killed. I think the story would have been a little more satisfying if it had ended at the twist of the officers now being under the control of the gang rather than the other way around. Killing the officers seems to reduce the punch of that twist. Or at least so it seems to me. Also telling more of Daz's story earlier might help foreshadow -- without telegraphing -- the ending.

Some other minor line-edits follow...

He combed over his bald spot with his hands in a futile attempt to hide his ever growing bald spot.

I'd eliminate one of the "bald spot" references.

He straitened his brown tie, and noticed the chocolate ice cream stain on his cream colored shirt.

Should be straightened. "Straiten" means to confine, for example financially.

He was thinking about the money as he started his standard issue SUV.

Since you tell us later the SUV is an Expedition, why not tell us now? That creates a firmer image than "standard issue SUV."

One in a half million latino's in Los Angeles

Don't you mean "one and a half million?"

"Tomar mi tarjeta," Ernie said before her his business card.

There seems to be a word missing. Maybe you mean "before handing her his business card?" Also, I would reduce the amount of Spanish in the story for those illiterate in the language (me, for example).

Mandrell and Broward sped back to South Central.

I think you need a transition here, even if it is just an extra line break. We've gone from threatening Trey Dog with a broomstick to tearing down South Central. Clearly they got what they needed, but did they kill him or what? This just seemed abrupt.

his demeaner seemed to get angrier.

Should be "demeanor."

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I enjoyed this quite a lot -- so please keep on writing!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

** Image ID #1316807 Unavailable **

If the dark side has an appeal for you, please visit my port and leave me a critique or two. I thrive on contact!