Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈's (mathguy) Reviews

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Review Requests: ON

1,658 Public Reviews Given

3,028 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

In depth, detailed, and supportive.

I'm good at...

Elements of craft that draw readers into your fictional world and your character's head.

Favorite Genres

SciFi, Mystery, Thriller, Horror

Least Favorite Genres

Fantasy

Favorite Item Types

Short stories

Least Favorite Item Types

nonfiction, poetry

I will not review...

I'm only interested in prose fiction. I will not review anything over 4000 words, nor will i review poetry. If you have a longer piece, please divide it into bite-sized chunks.

401

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14 days may be credited.

#2758938

Review of The unleashing

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi! Thank you for inviting me to read and critique your story. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
John, I can tell that you have given a lot of thought to the background for your story. You have a world in mind, complete with culture, villains, and heroes. This shows in the piece that you asked me to read.

Favorite Parts
In addition to the background information, there's some nice description here, such as:

The metal from the blade sparkled from fire

Characters
There are legendary figures mentioned in the intro, but the boy and his struggles will doubtless be central to the developing story.

Plot
This is fairly short, the first part of a longer piece, so the plot is only suggested. There is a boy who has been sold to slavery by his father, he is tring to escape, and he is tortured by monsters.

Setting
A village with tents, shacks, and a town hall, along with a temple of uncertain origin. I was less clear where the boy's torture took place, other than underground in a chamber lit by fire.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author. Showing your characters in word and deed, rather than telling about your characters, is the best way to achieve this. I confess, I found a lot of telling in this story.

Your very first sentence, for example, is telling:

The village looked dark and desolate in the moon light.

You tell us the village is dark and desolate. Why would someone looking at the village think it were desolate? Do the tents whip in the wind? Are there dust devils dancing over gravelled streets? Are there clouds racing across the moonlit sky? Perhaps a wolf howls in the distance, or a rat noses at trash in the street. There are lots of ways to set this scene that will cause the reader to conclude the village is desolate without actually TELLING the reader it is desolate. This scene-setting will engage the readers' imagination and they will then join you in your story, as an active partner.

Similarly, the background that you tell us in the first chapter would be better revealed when it is needed in the plot, and revealed in dialog rather than being told by the author. Even though you have a rich history and culture here, reveal it by putting your characters in motion, acting and speaking, in your world.

I also didn't quite catch the connection between the opening paragraph, the acolyte, the Master, the boy, and the bugbears. There's a lot going on here, without a lot of detail about how it is all connected. I'm sure YOU know how it is connected -- the challenge is to reveal just enough to your reader that they imagine the right things by seeing what your characters do, what they say, and where they are.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

It was quite, no one was out of their tents or shacks.

My Comment:I think you meant "quiet" not "quite."

Your text:

Except for the clerics, who were singing and chanting in the temple of Drakar, the great dragon god.

My Comment: This is a sentence fragment, one of two or three in this piece. If this were a speech or a thought, that would be okay since people often think and talk in fragments. But since this is part of your narration, it tends to take readers out of the story.

Your text:

The acolyte was in hurry, he ran across the gravled floor, of the town hall.

My Comment: This sentence reveals the difference between telling and showing. In the first half, you TELL the readers the acolyte was in a hurry. In the 2nd half, you show the acolyte hurrying -- you show him running across the graveled floor. The 2nd is far more effective at engaging the readers' imaginations.

Your text:

His white robes were filthey, from all the sweat and dirt that clang to his robes from the tunnel he was digging,

My Comment: typos -- I think you meant "filthy" and "clung."

Your text:

The young boy was bruised and bloody, he laid there in the undergond layer of the bugbears.

My Comment: Did you mean "underground?" What are the bugbears? What do they look like, what do they smell like? They kind of just appeared here -- one moment we're with the acolyte, then suddenly we're with the boy and bugbears. What is the connection between these two?

Your text:

Your master will pay a hansome price for you.

My Comment: I think you meant "handsome."

Your text:

The humanoid skulls hanging from his belt clanged

My Comment: Here's another opportunity to provide a more complete description--"humanoid" doesn't tell me what they look like.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

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#2753058

Review of Charitable Reflections

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
This is an interesting character study about seeing the beauty that is in front of us and knowing our true natures.

Favorite Parts
There are some nice, poetic turns of phrase here. For example, I liked this:

The moon is dangling and the streets are dancing.

This also paints a vivid picture of the participants at the ball.

The women in opulent fountains of ribbons, jewels, silk, and satin partnered with men of equal exuberance crisply tucked into tuxedos.

Characters
Roger and his spouse, along with a few others. I liked the guard with whom Roger shared a smoke.

Setting
Roger's office, then the Mayor's residence and a fancy ball.

Dialog
The dialog was natural and advanced character and plot.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In this way, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author. Anything that takes the reader out of the story, or makes the reader a passive vessel, reduces the impact of your narrative.

I think the biggest suggestion I have for you is to look at every instance you have used a form of the verb "to be" and decide whether there is another, more active way, of saying the same thing. For example,

Your text:

Staring back at him off the paper are a pair of dull, lifeless eyes surrounded by a concentrated expression belonging to a man in his mid thirties.

My Comment: A more active image might be the following:

A pair of dull eyes stared back at him from the page. The concentrated expression of man in his mid thirties engulfed those lifeless orbs and filled him with dread.

The difference is that the verb is changed from "are staring" to "stared." A similar change makes the man's expression more active in the 2nd sentence. This is not a big change, but has an impact on the readers since it is more active. There's several places where I think similar small revisions would make the prose more vivid.

A second suggestion that I have is that, while you have a wonderful theme, the plot seems to fall a bit flat. There is good character development, but the events that transpire doen't seem to add to the tension of the story in a direct way. I'd consider working on adding more tension, without sacrificing the melancholy tone of the story.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs (well, I did count over 90 words ending in "ly"), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.

Your text:

Puffing contentedly he reclined in his chair and continued to stare at his creation.

My Comment: I would consider describing the non-verbal cues that let the reader infer he is content. Perhaps he lounges back, perhaps he inhales and holds the smoke for a moment's pleasure before it escapes, perhaps he closes his eyes. All of these would give a more active image that telling us he is content.

Your text:

Clara's eyes were fixed intently on her husbands face, "No, dear, I don't know."

My Comment: Here's an example where a more precise verb choice -- perhaps her eyes "bored into his face," or her haze "drilled into his face" -- would be more active than telling use her eyes were "intent." ALso note that "were fixed" could be replaced with "fixed" for a more active image.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

is a rare thing to see the moon hanging menacingly just above the reach of New York Cities piercing skyscrapers.

My Comment: typo: should be New York City's.

Your text:

He picked up the piece of paper and held it out in the beam of the moons light to examine his work.

My Comment: typo: should be "moon's."

Your text:

aking a long drag of his cigarette he threw the drawing into the bottom drawer of his file cabinet on top of hundreds of other drawings of the same face.
Directly in front of him a mirror reflected his face as he sat puffing his cigarette.

My Comment: The word "face" is used in consecutive sentences. This tends to give your prose a monotone or sing-song feeling, so it's better to vary your word choice. This kind of thing occurs several other places in this story.

Your text:

The fluid girlish handwriting of his wife skipped across the yellow square.

My Comment: I liked this image, but the "of his wife" slowed the pace a bit by adding extra words. I'd consider

His wife's fluid girlish handwriting skipped across the yellow square.

Again, there's several places where more economical phrasing would improve the pace of the sentences. This is also a way to add tension, since readers will go through shorter sentences more quickly.

Your text:

Tucked in the closest of his office was a bagged up tuxedo pressed and ready for occasions such as this.

My Comment: typo: closet, not closest.

Your text:

On top of that his hair was a crumpled mess from his nervous habit of tangling his fingers in it whenever a cigarette was out of the question.

My Comment: Rather than telling us he has this nervous habit, I'd consider showing him doing this earlier, when he's examining his sketch.

Your text:

"Oh yes. Of course. Go right ahead," the guard bellowed good naturedly and ineffectively moved his robust figure to make more room.

My Comment: This is another case of an adverbs showing rather than telling. Show the non-verbal signals that told Roger he was good natured. Show us how he was ineffective -- maybe Roger had to sit half-on-half-off the bench?

Your text:

here really wasn't anything in the hallway aside from a couple plush cashmere love seats and a strip of wall hangings lining each wall.

My Comment: typo: I think you meant couple OF plush...

Your text:

They were bookending their companions, another man and woman.

My Comment: Another of those extra "to be" words. I'd consider

They bookended their companions, another man and woman.

Your text:

A hurt expression washed over her face washing all the dignity and grace away with it.

My Comment: "wash" and "washing" -- another case of repeated words.

Your text:

f you want to know it's Roberto's fault.

My Comment: I'd recommend introducing Roberto and his advice earlier. I think it would help with tension and with foreshadowing.

Your text:

Quickly he went to the other corner of the room and sat in the red leather armchair and set to sketching.

My Comment: "He rushed to the other corner" is more active than "he went quickly..."

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

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#2749629

Review of Experiment One

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
I enjoyed this story. I've ready many of this type, so I can't say I was surprised by the ending, but that didn't make it less satisfying.

Favorite Parts
This is a story told in conversation, so it's imperative that the speeches be spot-on. Your dialog did this. Each character spoke with a distinctive voice, appropriate for a youth and his mentor. Good job!

Characters
As noted above, the youth and his mentor are the main characters and come across clearly.

Plot
An experiment gone wrong and the lab has to be cleaned out before another can begin.

Setting
In the lab, so to speak.

Dialog
Excellent!

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

The last line, where they give the name of the lab, seemed a bit pat in that these scientists wouldn't have used the English name for the lab, or so it seems to me. I'd rather the ending were just a tad more subtle, to give that chill when the reader gets it. I can think of several ways to amend this. The most direct is that they could say some of the "specimens" called it Earth, but even that seems off, too direct. Another possibility would be to have these two named, say, Pete and Gabe, maybe with Pete saving some of the specimens for the next experiment by opening and closing a gate. At the end you could say "Gabriel pushed a button and a deafening sound trumpeted across the lab marking it's destruction." That's still a bit ethnocentric (and may be excessive religious overtones) but is a bit more subtle.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.

Your text:

"Tis that, friend." Guthri sighed quietly, more under his breath than anything. "And a sorry job too." Aerathun, whose eyes had returned to the land below them, now turned sharply back to Guthri.

My Comment: Instead of "sighed quietly" you might have it "whisper past his lips." Instead of "turning sharply" you might have his eyes "snap back to Guthri and bore into him." In both cases, the image is a bit more active that way. I'm sure you could think of a better way to do the same thing.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

His voice quiet but unwavering.

My Comment: I think the word "was" might be missing after voice. Rather than say his voice "was quiet and wavering" it might be a bit more active to say something like

His quiet voice wavered amidst the destruction.

Your text:

We did the best we could but you have to understand that it was an experiment in to how this life would develop on it's own.

My Comment: Should be "its own." "It's" is always "it is."

Your text:

So many times we wanted to intervene, but we had to wait for them, for their decision.

My Comment: The antecedent for "them" is unclear. Is it the life forms, or is it the scientits' superiors?

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

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#2743381

Review of The Dream Girl

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi! Thank you for inviting me to read and critique your story. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
Antwan, I liked this haungting little story about a dream -- and the twist at the end was nice, indeed!

Favorite Parts
This is excellent description:

Her blond hair matched the wheat's color, but she was tall for her age and was able to look over the entire field.

It also sets the scene and gives her age! very clever!

I liked this too:

She walked closer to the girl as she saw her picking flowers that weren't there. She was humming a lullaby that Nixie knew from her mother.

And THIS one brought a shiver:

Juliet looked at Nixie and smiled. "What makes this your dream?"

Characters
Nixie and Juliette, meeting in a dream.

Plot
I'm reminded of a bit of verse from Poe: all that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream. That seems to sum up the plot!

Setting
A wheat field, then a field of flowers, then Nixie's bath.

Dialog
Enigmatic, as one would expect in a dream!

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I like the premise for this story quite a lot, namely that Juliette is dreaming too and has somehow invaded Nixie's dream. That is very orignal and an idea that deserves more exposition. I think you could turn this into a really fine little horror tale.

But, truthfully, this is rather too short to be described as a story. I would see that is a chlling introduction to a longer story in which Juliette comes to haunt Nixie. Perhaps their dreams interplay in chilling, haunting ways.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with an example from your text.

Your text:

The little girl moved smoothly between the flowers as she observed Nixie.

My Comment: I'd consider a more precise verb choice such as "floated" or "drifted" between the flowers. You might even say she "danced" with the flowers, or "danced a slow tango with the flowers" to insert a metaphor.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

As she walked she saw a figure of a girl.

My Comment: "She saw" is not a very active image. You might consider "Her gaze fell upon" or even "a girl stood before her..."

Your text:

Nixie looked around to see what happened to her. Not able to find the girl Nixie continued humming the lullaby that the girl was humming.

My Comment: "humming" appears twice in this sentence. Repeating words like this tends to give your prose a monotone feel. I'd consider using a different word in one of these places.

Your text:

Nixie turned around to see a spitting image or her standing in front of her.

My Comment: The antecedent to the first "her" could be clearer. You might say "the humming girl" since you haven't named her yet.

Your text:

"Nixie." Nixie wanted to touch her, but knew that she would just disappear again.

My Comment: Nixie is repeated her. I'd use "She" for the 2nd occurance.

Your text:

Juliet looked at Nixie and smiled. "What makes this your dream?"

My Comment: In order to avoid repeating the names too often, I'd consider replacing Nixie with "her."

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

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#2743118

Review of Tough Times

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi! Thank you for inviting me to read and critique your story. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
Tiger, this is a moving story of a loving family enduring first financial and then medical crises. You tell the story from the point of view of the 15 year old son, an aspiring basketball player. The ending, in which the Father's love is affirmed and the boy surmounts his challenges, is uplifting and inspiring.

Favorite Parts
We've all had this feeling on getting bad news...

As his dad explained the situation, he felt a pit in his stomach and didn't say anything, and just sat there listening.

This sentence, with the wire holding him to life snapping, was heartbreaking.

A little before midnight two nights later, the brittle and thin wire that Pat's father was tied to snapped, and he traveled into the dark abyss,

Characters
Pat and his parents.

Plot
Pat overhears his parents discussing finances, then learns his mother is unemployed. Later his father is diagnosed with cancer. His family confronts these challenges with strenght, love, and respect for one another.

Setting
Their home, the basketball court, and the hospital.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Tiger, the plot and structure of this story are quite moving and show great potential. However, I think that you could make your story stronger and more intimate by adding some additional dramatic elements.

First, and perhaps most importantly, I would add dialog to this story. There are many places where you tell the reader what happened, or what people said. It would be more intimate and more dramatic to instead show your characters in motion, speaking to one another, showing emotion with body language. Here's an example.

That night, his father told him that his mother had lost her job, but he already knew that was what he was going to say. As his dad explained the situation, he felt a pit in his stomach and didn't say anything, and just sat there listening.

We never actually hear his father's words or see his face in this sequence. What did he say? What was he doing with his hands and his eyes? Where is his mother? Maybe he hears the clink of dishes in the kitchen, or smells the scent of dinner cooking. Where did this conversation take place? You might think about having this conversation in his father's room (office?), where he later finds the letter. You give us Pat's reaction to all of this, but I think you need to bring his father to life as well.

As he went to basketball practice that night, he tried to drill the shots down, but had no luck as they all rattled off the rim and onto the floor. He couldn't get his mind off of his worries and what would happen if his mother couldn't find a new job. His coach realized Pat wasn't concentrating and asked him what as wrong, but Pat resisted and wouldn't open up to him.

This is another case of "telling" rather than "showing." I'd consider describing him dribbling the ball, standing at the free-throw line, looking at the hoop and seeing his father's face, then missing the shot -- with the same pit in his stomach as he throws. Show him doing these things and describe his body language and actions, then show the coach's eyes gazing upon him. Don't tell us he can't concentrate, reveal it in his actions. Don't tell us that coach figures it out, reveal it in the coach's appearance and in his words.

There are several other critical incidents in this story where putting words in the character's mouths and describing their non-verbal language would provide more life to their actions. The above falls in the general category of "showing" your story rather than "telling" it. You have a great story here, but it would be even better if you more fully engaged your readers' imaginations.

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In this way, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author. Thus, showing your characters in word in deed helps to achieve this goal.

Another thing I'd recommend is that you add more descriptions of all three major characters. Toward the end you describe how the cancer dissipates Pat's father's body. This would be a more powerful image if we knew what he looked like before. With respect to Pat, I thought he was much younger than 15 at the start of the story, so I'd consider adding a bit more referencing to let us know his age.

I also would add more descriptions of the settings. What does their home look like? What does the basketball court look like? We can't tell, for example, if his lessons are indoors -- say at the local Y -- or outdoors. These little details all help tickle the imaginations of the readers and bring life to the story.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs (well, I counted over 40), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.

Your text:

Even though she got no response, Sarah continued to vigorously and enthusiastically send out her resume but it seemed that everyone was ignoring her call looking for work.

My Comment: In line with my earlier comments, show us how Pat inferred that she was vigorous and enthusiastic. Maybe show her typing away at her computer, printing out a pile of resumes. Maybe she drives Pat to school, and, humming a hopeful little tune, she drops the resumes off in the mail on the way. Maybe she says something about how, this time, she's the perfect match for the job. The adverbs are another instance of telling rather than showing.

Your text:

As he sat down one night with Pat, he solemnly told him that he wouldn't be able to take any more basketball classes.

My Comment: Here, again, I would provide the precise words that his father used. Then, instead of saying they were delivered "solemnly," give us the tone of voice, the facial expression, the cast of his eyes, at least some of the non-verbal cues that let Pat infer he was being solemn.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

Pat contemplated while lying in his bed as he listened to his father's voice tense with strain, talking with his mom.

My Comment: There are a few places where I think you could use a comma or two. For example here, I think you need one after "voice." Reading your text aloud and looking for the natural pauses can help you locate places where commas should go.

Your text:

As Pat woke the next day, he forgot all about the conversation he had overheard the night before and leaped out of bed, ready for school.

My Comment: This sentence is fine -- indeed, "leaping" out of bed is a good, active image. However, a couple of sentences later in this paragraph the word "school" is repeated. Repeated the same word in such close proximity tends to give your prose a monotone feel. I'd suggest rephrasing slightly to vary the word choice.

Your text:

I will always be comforting you in difficult times and encourage you more when you succeed even though I'm not physically there.

My Comment: This is a wonderful, touching letter. I think, though, that I'd consider saying "I will always comfort you..." That is both a bit more active and it matches the phrasing later with "encourage."

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

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#2742689

Review of Recurring Nightmare

Review by

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

** Image ID #1407692 Unavailable **

Hi, my name is Max. I'm reviewing your story as part of the Senior Moderator Raid reviewing project.

General Impressions
Leger, That's one scary dream! I hope that you don't really have that dream!

Favorite Parts
Good, strong images permeate this piece, from the very beginning:

It's deep in the night when the darkness coats everything with inky, smothering blackness.

Fences as a metaphor sentinels -- excellent!

Nameless crops behind barbed wire fences stand sentinel on the far sides of the ditches.

Characters
The dreamer, haunted by terrifying images, locked in dreamy paralysis and horror.

Plot
This advances with the weird illogic that makes perfect sense in dreams.

Setting
Inside a car, plummeting down a country road.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

For example:

My hands grip the wheel unnaturally hard. I

I wonder if it might be a stronger image to describe white knuckles or how the pain in your fingers from the tight grip? Similarly, there's a couple of times where you say "suddenly" where I wonder if a more vivid word choice would be better.

Suddenly the trees start to fall away and the sides of the road open up into fields. I

Maybe instead have the trees "vanish" and the sides of the road open like a coffin exposing a corpse? I'm sure you could to better, but I think a more active image would make this scarier.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

Nameless crops behind barbed wire fences stand sentinel on the far sides of the ditches.

My Comment: I love the image, but isn't there a word missing? Maybe "stand" after "crops?"

Your text:

Each side of the road has a large deep ditch for siphoning rainwater from the road.

My Comment: "road" appears twice in this sentence -- I'd consider using a different word for one of the instances

Your text:

I can feel the perspiration sliding down my back.

My Comment: I'd omit the "I can feel." I think it is more intimate for the readers if you describe the sensation directly rather than filtering through your narrator. Readers will know she feels it!

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

407

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2742641

Review of Fire to Ashes

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

** Image ID #1407692 Unavailable **

Hi, my name is Max. I'm reviewing your story as part of the Senior Moderator Raid reviewing project.

General Impressions
Joy, I've enjoyed visits to your port before and I'm so glad that this raid inspired me to return! I like stories that surprise me, and this one did that. I like stories with eloquent prose, and this one had that. I like stories with memorable characters, and you did that too! Altogether a most pleasant experience!

Favorite Parts
There are many places where your prose sings with the eloquence of poetry. One of many:

She would lead him to the place where all spirits walked on top of something fluffy as if coated with moss, and the two of them would take a rest on a riverbank shining of iridescent light.

Here, instead of just saying "his scream was loud" you brought it to life in its echoing return.

His scream returned to him in thousand-fold echoes.

And, of course, there's your fine use of metaphor...yet another example out of many choices:

He rose from the fire light as a tune.

Characters
The narrator, longing for Paradise, his beguiling temptress, full of promise, and the prosaic guards at the end.

Plot
I can't say I didn't see the his failure coming. But I didn't see the particular twist that you gave it that made it so delicious.

Setting
The setting is mostly the narrator's evanescent fantasies of his life to be, in Paradise. These are eloquent and poetic.

Dialog
The dialog has an ethereal feel, appropriate for the theme.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

This is, of course, a fantasy and a fable. As such it is a beautiful little jewel. Mostly I have minor comments and a few things I wonder about.

For example, I do wonder if the narrator shouldn't have suffered more, both in the fire and later, when he discovered the lies of the temptress? His fantasies of Paradise are wonderful, but I wonder if they shouldn't contrast more with the agonies of his deception. That contrast would make his epiphany at the ending more powerful and more believable, at least IMHO.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

You managed to avoid adverbs until the climax -- but that's exactly where the writing should be the most vivid and dramatic. For example:

Your text:

But the sky, the sky he was in, unexpectedly lost its softness with an abrupt slash of wind.

And then a line or two later

Rapidly he began to shiver with a strange chill.

My Comment: It seems to me that these slow down the narrative when it should accelerate, and reduce the intimacy when it should be most profound. This story is so well done, I'd consider tweaking a sentence here and there to rid the adverbs and make it even more intimate.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

"That wonderful land," she promised, "is where people are always happy; nothing hurts; no one is sad; and lots of beautiful girls will be waiting for you, wishing to lie down with you." "And the feast," she swore,

My Comment: I didn't understand why you broke this speech where you did, but didn't change paragraphs. Perhaps I'm missing something, but I would have omitted the quotes beween "you" and "And."

Your text:

The clouds grew into stones, boulders, and mountains with ledges swarming with snakes, rattling, coiling, and uncoiling.

My Comment: "with" used twice in this sentence...I'd find another way to say this and avoid the repeated word.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

408

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2738031

Review of Moon Dance

Review by

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
Ooooh! I liked this story a lot! You already know I love twisty endings, and if there's a bit of gore, so much the better! This little piece slithered along to the, er, climax. Very sensuous, and very effective!

Favorite Parts
This is a great, active image.

Its rays filtered through the trees creating menacing shadows that bowed before me.

I won't quote the climax, not wanting to post a spoiler. But this, too, was quite, er, active and evocative!

Characters
The narrator and her knight in the shining armor of a '66 Mustang.

Plot
A romantic, sensual encounter, but with a twist. Like all urban legends, this is a cautionary tale about violating sexual, social norms.

Setting
A "dark and winding road" (love the Beatles reference!), a dance floor, and the Mustang.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

You know, I can almost feel in this story that you wanted to give voice to more explicit eroticism but held back. I think the story builds really well, they clearly go all the way, but yet you've held back on the details. The one thing I've learned from authors who write erotica is that readers want all the gory details. Er, well, given the ending "gory" might not be quite the right word for the erotic content, but you get my point.

Overall, this is a great plot, with great characters, and well structured and executed. My main plaint is that I'd like more -- not only more details during the erotic sequence, but more description of the characters, the dance, the back seat, etc. Since I've reviewed your work before, you know I whine about this a lot...

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

my senses became entranced by the abnormally large moon.

My Comment: "became entranced" is passive voice.

Your text:

. He bit his lips when catching a glimpse of my shapely legs as they escaped momentarily through the long slits.

My Comment: adverb alert -- I'd suggest a more vivid image here. I'd have her legs "flash" in and out of sight. Also, describe how she felt inside the dress -- did it press against her bottom? Did the warm breezes waft across her bosom?

Your text:

With his attention entirely on my bodacious body, it did not matter that folks stared.

My Comment: I'd say "riveted" instead of "entirely." Also, tell us what makes her body "bodacious." Describe her hair (long or short), tell us how the lights glow in her hair. What does she smell like? Are her lips full and red? Paint a picture in words, giving us scent and sights and touch, to show us she is bodacious. Then maybe have him SAY she's bodacious, since that such a great word. All this applies over again when you use the word "handsome" two paragraphs down.

Your text:

It was mesmerizing how the moon’s glow enhanced the beauty of his light brown hair.

My Comment: This is another place where describing the moonlight playing with his hair would add to the scene. Describe it to us so we know she's mesmerized without telling us that. Also, their first kiss is important. I'd for sure describe that in detail, how it felt, tasted, smelled, how her body reacted to the feel of his pressed against her. Also, be sure to control the POV -- stay with her throughout (not that I've notice head-hopping in your stories).

This is a really good story. As with your other stories that I've read, I think adding some more description would help it along and make the experience more vivid and intimate for the reader. You write well -- don't be afraid to let go! In the erotic scene, the best advice I got was to "wallow" in it. You can always go back and edit later.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

409

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2736861

Review of Hobbies (version 2)

Review by

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
This is a short story which I infer is the introductory chapter to a longer work. You introduce the main characters and some background as well. The background comes in naturally and doesn't unduly intrude on the narrative -- very good work there! The chapter also has a good hook at the ending.

Favorite Parts
This is a nice image of the two on the rooftops

To a casual observer, who happened to look up, it might’ve seemed as one of the two dark figures occasionally caught on fire, burning dark red.

Characters
Mary and Eddie walking the rooftops, revealed in conversation and in actions. That's a great way to introduce you characters, with minimal telling. The other characters, Eddie's ex, her brother and Eddie's brother are mentioned as background.

Plot
Eddie is a vampire, Mary is recently turned, and they are on the rooftops stalking his ex. Eddie is bent on years of revenge for having been rejected.

Setting
Rooftops, modern times, urban.

Dialog
The dialog between these two was quite good. It revealed character, gave background, advanced the plot, and flowed naturally. Excellent job on that!

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

This is a good start to your story, with good hooks built in. I do wish that there had been more description of the two major characters, and more senses involved in your descriptions.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.

Your text:

“Are you serious?” Mary asked quietly.

My Comment: A more specific verb, like "murmured" or "whispered" would give you a more active image here.

Your text:

“That would’ve been too easy, too quick,” Eddie said quietly and lit a smoke.

My Comment: Again, a more specific verb like "muttered" would be better here.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

I thought this to be something romantic.

My Comment: I think "would be something..." is more fitting to this than "to..."

Your text:

Despite the sky looking light brown,

My Comment: This is a bit of a passive description...you might have the brown sky "hovering" over them, for example.

Your text:

The wind’s gentle breeze felt soft on the skin.

My Comment: Usually it is beter to directly describe how something felt, looked, etc, rather than passing it through the senses of of a character. Thus, for a more intimate expression, you might say "the wind caressed her skin."

Your text:

Mary recognized Eddie’s tone

My Comment: Here, I'd consider describing the tone and body language more explicitly.

Your text:

Mary quickly followed her man.

My Comment: "sped after" or "leapt after" might be stronger than using the adverb...

Your text:

Eddie said thoughtfully.

My Comment: Maybe "mused" instead of the adverb? I won't point out any more of these...

Your text:

Get a room already.

My Comment: If this is an internal thought, it should be in italics.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

410

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2735884

Review of The Key

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story posted at the "In the Darkness" contest. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
James, I liked this short story quite a lot. It reminded me some of the Stephen King short "1408," although your story has religious overtones not so overtly present in King's story. In any case, this was an original and creative treatment of an interesting idea!

Favorite Parts
This is a great description of the key:

The head of the key was shaped like a large demonic creature with bulging muscles and bat-like wings. It stood on a pile of damned souls, all of which were reaching for the sky

Not only does this give an excellent image, it also foreshadows the plot and the ending! Good job here!

Oh, and when the clock said "11:34" -- that sent a shiver up my spine!

Characters
The narrator is the only character we meet. His obsession with the key and his doubts about its place in the order of things are well done.

Plot
I liked the plot a lot! We see the key at the start, described to foreshadow the ending and set the scene, then the tension screws tighter as we go.

Setting
The basement where the key is hidden and retrieved, then later his motel room.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Structurally, this story works fine as it is. I think it might be improved with a touch more description, especially of the narrator. This is difficult to work into a first person narrative, especially one this short, but it might be worth the effort to add a bit of verisimilitude. You might also consider describing the Inn and the narrator's room a bit more, with an eye to building the tension and creepiness of what is to come. These are minor nits, though, and I think the story works well as it stands.

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In this way, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author. There's several instances of passive voice in this story, which tends to put the readers in passive mode. I'll point out a couple of these in the line-by-line comments later; I'd recommend that you review the story with a view to eliminating the passive voice.

Most of my comments on this story are minor nits on things like passive voice and places where I think you might consider slightly more active phrasing. From the perspective of plot, structure and character -- certainly fundamentals for any story! -- I think is very well done!!

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

The key I held in my hand was heavy,

My Comment: This is a place where I think a more active image would improve the story. For example, instead of "was heavy" you might describe how the key felt in his hand. Maybe its weight "tugs" and his arm and its filigreed surface ripples in his fingers. If you could make the key come alive, espeically in this first sentence, that would make the story more vivid by better engaging the readers' imaginations.

Your text:

I had no spiritual desire to investigate and to be honest it frightened me, but there is something in the human mind that compels you to investigate the unknown and the occult.

My Comment: "Investigate" is used twice in this sentence. Repeating words like this tends to give your prose a monotone feel and it is usually better to vary word choice.

Your text:

He wasn't exactly "murdered", but he was attacked in private. He claimed that it was a simple robbery, but his arms and legs were covered in large sores and he looked like death.

My Comment: "was attacked" and "were covered" are both passive voice.

Your text:

I started the engine and left for the motel I had rented a room at.

My Comment: The "at" is dangling. I'd consider "where I had rented a room."

Your text:

Once inside, I noted the time. Eleven thirty-four.

My Comment: Usually it is better to directly describe something rather than describe what someone saw or noted. Thus, you might say that the digital clock glowed with the time: eleven thirty-four. You might also have a frisson of fear or some such tingle through him at the connection between the time and the number on the key.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

411

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2735828

Review of The Bell Ringers - revised 4/9

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story posted at the "In the Darkness" contest. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
First, welcome to WDC! This is a wonderful place, full of helpful, experienced authors willing share what they know.

I liked this story -- it had the feel of "Twice Told Tales" or other early bits or early American literature in which folk tales were recorded in literary form. Of course, you created this imaginative tale whole cloth, but the style is evocative of this fine tradition.

Favorite Parts
Among others, I liked this image of the graveyard on All Hallow's Eve:

And each Halloween night at dusk, you can see the mist gather in clouds around the graveyard as they emerge from the beyond

Characters
Bones and Deads are the principal characters, although their jealous murderers and would-be rescuers also make an appearance.

Plot
Success breeds jealousy, which in turn breeds murder most foul. The result is a haunting little legend of murder and ghosts.

Setting
The stage, briefly, and the cemetery.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

As I said above, this story evokes the style of Washington Irving in telling a folktale. As such, it will be familiar to readers. But this style imposes some limitations on the author as well. Some ways I think this story might be improved would be, first, additional descriptions of the singers. It will help them to come alive -- so to speak -- if the reader knows what they look like. Secondly, the co-conspirators are almost entirely off-stage now. You might show them seething in the audience, perhaps delivering cat-calls to the performers, and then describe the abduction more completely, including words and deeds from both the criminals and the victims. Continuing with this thought, modern readers will expect dialog to help bring the characters to life, so adding dialog would help.

I confess that I didn't recall the song "Lost in this Masquerade," but after looking up the lyrics I think it is a great point of reference for this story. I wonder if you might pick some particularly piquant part of the lyrics to quote at the very start of the story (with appropriate attribution, of course) to help frame the narrative?

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.

Your text:

The lovely Miss DeMoana was a very talented singer who could very easily adapt her voice to sound eerily like nearly every popular (past or present) female singer.

My Comment: I guess I have broader points that just adverbs on this passage. I think that if you showed them performing and showed the impact on the audience, the supernatural character of their performance would be clearer. Perhaps a member of the audience could call out "Show us Jenny Lind" or some other period performer, and then hush in awe with wide eyes as she mimicked her exactly. This would give a more active image and would "show" rather than "Tell" this part of the story.

Your text:

while Ringo began feverishly digging at the graves with his hands.

My Comment: Here again, just a few more words showing Ringo clawing at the ground on his hands and knees would be more active than "feverishly digging."

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

They went to the dressing room, where their nemeses’ were ly ing in wait.

My Comment: typo -- extra space in "lying."

Your text:

Bones and Deads were subdued and spirited away.

My Comment: This was your first use of their first names, so I didn't know who or what "Bones and Deads" were. Also, "were spirited" is passive voice, something to avoid.

Your text:

They had been taken to a dungeonous area of an abandoned building on the outskirts of town and poisoned.

My Comment: I didn't find "dungeonous" in my dictionary and it made me think of crabs (yum). I wonder if giving a more specific description might be a better strategy?

Your text:

The police were alerted when neither of them was heard from by the next day. A search was conducted but they failed to be located until three days later.

My Comment: More passive voice -- "were alerted" and "to be located."

Your text:

Because of their valiant efforts the Hoskinson’s were granted

My Comment: I think you need a comma after "efforts." There might be a couple of other places where commas would help -- I'm not very good at finding those! Also, "were granted" is passive voice, and it wasn't clear until the next paragraph who granted this boon.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

412

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2735311

Review of Breaking Point

Review by

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
Holly, thanks for sharing this interesting character study. I enjoyed meeting the characters and thought you did a fine job of protraying Jenny's self-loathing and growth through the story.

Favorite Parts
Throughout there are nice hints to Jenny's character. For example, when she gets dressed in the morning:

It’s nothing special—jeans and an old sweater—I stopped trying a long time ago.

These are peppered throughout the story and do a fine job of revealing her character.

Characters
The main character is Jenny, but she contrasts well with Carrie and is the polar opposite of the sleazy Jim. Her sister appears, but we don't learn much about her.

Plot
This plot is built around the character's growth and change more than the specific events of the story. Even so, you build the tension nicely and and the resolution is satisfying. The refrain "I hate my job" keeps Jenny's situation and her feelings in the reader's mind.

Setting
Her bed, with Celery snuggled against her, is nicely drawn. The description of the office where she works is pretty sparse.

Dialog
The conversations are natural and contribute to the flow of the story. THese were especially well done.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I liked this story and don't have major suggestions for improvement. It is well structured and moves forward with an internal momentum. Some minor suggestions involve possibly adding a touch more in the way of description, especially of Jenny, and doing a bit less "telling" and a bit more "showing." I'll mention one or two specific instances in the line-by-line comments in a moment.

The other thing I noticed was...

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs (well, I counted over 40), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.

Your text:

I crack one eye open and blearily register the time on the clock: five-twenty-five.

My Comment: Here, I'd consider describing what she saw and felt rather than use the shortcut "blearily." The more specific you can be here, the more likely you are to engage your reader's imagination.

Your text:

I was actually wondering if you wanted to grab a drink with me and the boys after work tonight

My Comment: Most of your adverbs are like the "actually" in this sentence. It adds nothing to the sentence, except that it slows the pace. I'd consider finding all the "ly" words and try to eliminate as many as possible. Most of them you can just delete.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

A disgruntled figure greets me in the mirror

My Comment: This is a perfect setup to describe Jenny. Rather than tell the reader she's disgruntled (which we can figure from the "I hate my job" refrain) I'd consider using this to describe her physically, and show the toll that this job has taken on her.

Your text:

I started out in customer support,

My Comment: I rather liked the paragraph that started with this phrase. Ordinarily I'd whine about parenthetic comments, but you used them to turn what could be "telling" back story to "showing" with the little snippets of dialog. I thought this was both clever and effective.

Your text:

) and wearing obnoxiously large jewelry to match her equally wild outfits.

My Comment: Rather than telling us she does this, why not describe her specific attire? That is more vivid and better engages the reader's imagination.

Your text:

I get comfortable in my chair

My Comment: Here's another small example of telling instead of showing. Perhaps she settles into her chair, or has a special cushion she uses, or adjusts the arms or something. Show her actions in getting comfortable and let the reader infer that is what she is doing. That engages the reader better than telling.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

413

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2735219

Review of Felix the Swift

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
Hi Nathan. This is an interesting piece about an aging cat burglar, two doltish Guardsmen, and his successful theft of jewelry. The scenes on the rooftops and later in the bedchamber had good tension and held my attention. Nice job!

Favorite Parts
My favorite part was when Felix had to walk the tightrope of a clothesline across the alleyway, followed by the two idiotic guardsmen fighting with one another about whether or not it was a clothesline after it fell!

Characters
Felix, Fius and Guis.

Plot
A cat burglar restarts his career, is almost caught, but uses a ruse to escape.

Setting
Rooftops of Ambracia.

Dialog
The dialog between the two guardsmen showed them to be doltish and so did its job.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Referencing.

I eventually figured out that this was set in a medieval land, with a Prince and armored guardsment, but the early reference to "townhouses" threw me off and made me wonder if the time were more modern. I'd look for a different word there.

There's a bit of "telling" rather than "showing" in this story -- I'm not sure how much of Felix' back story the reader really needs to know. Essentially this is about an aging cat burglar who is out to steal a necklace. I'd consider staying focused on the action of the story.

Truthfully, I found Guis and Fius just too stupid to be really credible characters. I know that they are there in part for comic relief, but they also add to the tension as Felix crawls along the rooftops. The ruse that Felix uses to escape is also not especially credible -- I'd rather see him with some clever ploy already up his sleeve to distract them.

Indeed, Felix seemed a bit inept as a cat burglar. He knows where the necklace is located, but he hadn't scouted the location enough to anticipate the alley, nor was he quite certain which chimney to descend. I also wondered how he knew no one would be in the bed chamber that held the necklace -- and what he might have done if someone were there!

Along the same lines, Felix has been in semi-retirement for some time, but the Guardsmen know who he is. This jangled a bit against his lack of preparation for this heist and against his semi-retirement.

References to his flabby gut didn't quite mesh with women finding him attractive. That may derive from my own imagination, though, as Cary Grant is forever embedded in my mind as the penultimate cat burglar from the movie "Charade."

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

Thinking the worst, he ducked inside the shadow, cast from the chimney. His soft soled shoes slipped on the damp roof tiles as he disappeared into the shadow of the chimney.

My Comment: "shadow" is used in each of these sentences. Repeating words like this tends to give your prose a monotone feel and it is better to vary your word choice. This happens several places in this story.

Your text:

He thudded hard against the brick chimney, holding in a yelp of pain as the long rope dug into his back. Felix moved the chaffing, long rope, wrapped around his waist, into a better position.

My Comment: See above -- "rope" does the same thing here. I won't point out more of these.

Your text:

In the five and half hundred years since the city was founded,

My Comment: "was founded" is passive voice, which makes your readers passive. Instead, you want your readers' imaginations to be actively engaged in your story.

Your text:

With painstaking attention to details, he walked slowly along the roof.

My Comment: Adverbs usually are shortcuts, replacing more precise and active verbs. In this case, "crept" might give a better, more active, image than "walked slowly."

Your text:

The window's of the building were huge, but barred, even a small boy couldn't get in.

My Comment: Should be "windows" -- no apostrophe.

Your text:

Finally, a solution came him.

My Comment: I think you meant "came TO him."

Your text:

Felix gulped and started to walk quickly across the line.

My Comment: You might consider "raced" or some other more active verb than "walked quickly." There are several other places where the adverbs could be eliminated or replaced with more active, vivid images. I won't belabor the point by remarking on any of the others.

Your text:

Congratulations on catching me. Felix said taking a bow. You two are good guards. You have my compliments.

My Comment: The quotes are missing from Felix' speech.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

414

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2729819

Review of Candles At Christmas Time

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
I liked the message of this story -- that everyone came together this one night to share a common ceremony, united by the passing of the flame from one candle to another.

Favorite Parts
I liked the way that you linked together all the members of the community: the poor, the rich, the sorrowful, and the happy. Then, at the end, the candle flame links them all together.

Setting
The setting is a Christmas eve service in a church.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I think that my biggest complaint is that this is rather more an essay than a story. Stories will generally have characters and plot as well as setting. Indeed, I think this would be made much stronger if you had characters -- perhaps a poor person and her rich landlord -- in action with one another, speaking to one another. Perhaps the landlord is one of the sorrowful and the poor person, in the spirit of Christmas, offers solace? The wonderful theme of your story would be all the more powerful if it played out between characters.

In addition to wanting to have characters -- characters with voices and foibles and quirks -- talking to one another, I would have liked to have a bit more description of the church. Were there stained glass windows? Did it smell of pine from a Christmas tree? What songs did they sing? A few more details would help bring the story to life.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

The sanctuary was full. People of different religions, beliefs, races, pains, joys, and sorrows.

My Comment: "was full" is a bit passive, while the second sentence is a fragment. You might consider something like:

People crowded into the sanctuary: people of different religions, beliefs, races, pains, joys, and sorrows.

Your text:

Some came suffering the pain and sorrow of death. Loved ones who had left them, those that meant the whole world to them and so much more.

My Comment: Once again, the second sentence is a fragment. You could join them with a colon, as I suggested earlier. It would be even better to have this part of the narrative revealed by having parishioners speak to one another.

Your text:

These people were sometimes poor. so broke they could only eat twice a week in order to make the rent.

My Comment: I think you meant to have a comma instead of a period after "poor."

Your text:

It moved from the hopeless to the hopeful. The broken to the strong. The hurt to the healed.

My Comment: The last two sentences are fragments again. I'd join them to the first and separate the phrases with commas.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

415

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2728810

Review of Deep Peace

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, Bill. Thanks for asking me to read this story. I enjoyed doing so and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
Bill, this story is filled with some fine, evocative descriptions. I haven't been fishing in over four decades, but this brought back memories.

Favorite Parts
From the very first sentence, we can see the lake and the mists:

It was early morning and the mist frothy and cool lingered above the murky waters of the lake.

Again, the description of the Grandfather is loving and detailed:

Reeling slowly, his old hands grasped the rod. They were carved in thick lines like maps of time.

These are just two of many wonderful descriptions in this story.

Characters
The Grandfather, his son, and the three grandsons are the characters. The most interesting character -- at least to me -- is the eldest grandson, whose anger and alienation permeate the story from the time he appears.

Plot
Hmmm...since I don't fish, the plot seemed a bit sparse to me. I'll comment more on this below.

Setting
Wonderful, evanescent, well drawn!

Dialog
This too was quite sparse, but did its job.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Bill, the plot to this story is pretty subtle -- perhaps too subtle for me to fully grasp. In particular, the anger and alienation of the eldest grandson didn't quite seem to mesh with the rest of the story. Why was he angry and alienated? It may be there, but if so I missed it. Also, some of his anger was "telling" rather than showing -- although you do describe his balled fists and some other non-verbal cues. The sentences that started with "Disgust and inferiority crept onto his flesh..." seemed to be "telling" and I would have preferred having these details revealed in word and deed.

The Grandfather seemed to sensed the conflict, but the Father did not -- again, this is something subtle that suggests much more is going on that is unsaid. I was left with a feeling that this is a really fine little slice of a story, with wonderful descriptions, but the characters and plot seemed a bit sketchy. Since I tend to be plot and character centered when I write, this might be just an idiosyncrasy of mine, but that was the feeling I had.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs (I found only a couple), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.

Your text:

Stumbling off of the dock, he labored angrily over roots and dense bush.

My Comment: Other places in this paragraph you give excellent non-verbal cues: he scowls, he balls his fists. I'd do the same here, and have him stumble and kick the roots, or hunch his shoulders, or something, to tell us he is laboring "angrily."

Your text:

In the water the line rested casually.

My Comment: The same applies here -- the image I got was that the line floated on the surface, with gentle eddies curving it this way and that. If that's the correct image, you should say it -- just as you give such vivid descriptions elsewhere.

I think these two uses of adverbs stand out because the rest of this is so well done and evocative.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance. This is quite clean copy -- I only have a couple of nitpicks.

Your text:

It was early morning and the mist frothy and cool lingered above the murky waters of the lake.

My Comment: I already commented that I like the image -- but the underlined portion should be set off by commas.

Your text:

Deep within all that tissue beat a heart, and it pumped blood throughout that small body. Ok son now put him back. T

My Comment: This is the father speaking, so it should be in quotes. Also, I think "okay" is preferred to "ok."

COMMENT HERE

Your text:

Then he looked across the lake as the sun rose higher into the sky and revealed a natural world crafted from millions of years of brilliant fruition. Of beauty in becoming.

My Comment: This is a sentence fragment.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

416

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2726669

Review of Hearsay

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
Dalziel, this is an extraordinary and chilling tale. The mood is haunting and and I couldn't stop reading -- I confess that I rarely find stories on here this compelling. Congratulations on a fine job of writing gripping horror!

Favorite Parts
Your descriptions of James' workstation, with the squiggly lines, the many windows and the headphones was quite clear. The descriptions of the building and the solitude and isolation he felt -- even as he spied on the intimate conversations of others -- was also excellent. This is well constructed and plotted, with all the parts meshing flawlessly.

Characters
James and the haunting voices -- all excellent!

Plot
This grips you by the throat and compels you to read to the end -- terrific tension builds throughout.

Setting
Good here, as noted above, and good referencing too.

Dialog
Not much dialog -- but it does its job.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

This is an excellent story and I have only the most minor of suggestions for improvement -- more questions than suggestions, really.

First, I wonder if you might start the story with James talking to the COW and fiddling through conversations? That would establish the setting and his profession by putting him in conversation with someone else and thus eliminate some of the "telling" that appears early on in the story. By having the story start and stop with the COW, it also lends a symmetry that readers won't necessarily notice but will still sense.

You might also have a photo of James' ex-wife and his infant son at his workstation, perhaps hidden in the shadows and then illuminated by a window opening on his workstation. That might provide some foreshadowing if this bit of description occurs early on. The COW might tactfully not look at the photo...

In response to your question -- I think your ending is spot-on. You demarked the change in POV with an extra space and with the switch to italic (I'm not sure the latter is needed). The only real suggestion I'd have is to add some symmetry to the story by having the COW and James have some kind of conversation at the start that foreshadows the ending and provides a symmetry to the ending -- but that is a very minor quibble and one that you may find artistically inappropriate.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with an example from your text.

Your text:

Treading lightly I walk towards this area, peering carefully down the stairs, listening. All the time listening.

My Comment: There should be aural and visual cues that would be more active than "treading lightly" and "peering carefully." For example:

The carpeted hallway devours the sound of my footfalls as I peer through the darkness and around corners. In the silence, I listen, but only a hushed quietus meets my ears.

I'm sure you can do much better than the above -- the idea is to make this a bit more vivid and active but not over-write as I fear I've done...

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

We have the warrants, we have the rights, that's what my Chief of Watch always says.

My Comment: Since you are quoting the COW, I think I'd put the underlined portion in quotes.

Your text:

cross the I's and dot the T's.

My Comment: I think you mean "dot the i's and cross the t's" not the other way around!

Your text:

If I see two people during the night when I go for a brew or to use the loo then it I consider it a social night.

My Comment: extra word.

COMMENT HERE

Your text:

So now I'm leaning back in my chair, the lights are dim, my headphones are jammed on my head and I'm listening to static as I close my eyes for just a second.

"are jammed" is passive voice. Also, I think it might be a bit more active image to say "I lean back" and "I listen" as opposed to "I'm leaning back..."

COMMENT HERE

Your text:

Static suddenly bursts through the headphones, loud enough to hurt.

My Comment: I don't think you need the "suddenly" -- all it does is slow the exposition. "Suddenly" is implied by "bursts."

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

417

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2721525

Review of First Day on the Job

Review by

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review-a-newbie page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
Joseph, This is a very erotic little piece about an assistant's first day on the job, when he learns what is real job is to be. This is creative, erotic, and well written -- in 2nd person present, no less! That's a very difficult voice to manage!

You do a really good job with engaging all the senses -- sight, sound, smell, taste.

Characters
Foreman and his boss, Mr. Smith. We see Mr.Smith though Foreman's eyes, and we see Foreman through our narrators eyes.

Plot
Foreman learns that Mr. Smith only needs his assistance one day a week, and that for certain, uh, physical purposes.

Setting
Smith's office.

Dialog
This was well done and natural.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Okay, congratulations on using 2nd person present to voice this piece, but I have to say that I think 3rd person limited would be much more effective. THere's a reason most things, and especially most erotic stories, are written in this voice. Third person limited increases the sense of intimacy and the reader's connection to the events of the story. Second person becomes almost a sequence of demands -- you do this, then you do that. That tends to put the reader in passive mode, when you want the reader actively engaged and imagining the story with along with you. On the one hand, Foreman is submitting to a sequence of demands -- as the 2nd person suggests -- but you don't want your reader passive and submissive.

So, my biggest suggestion is to use 3rd person limited and past tense to tell your story.

I also think some attention to the details of Smith's office would be helpful -- colors, carpet, wall decor, what's outside, etc. While you describe Smith, we don't have a good sense of Foreman's appearance.

I was just a tad put off by the sexual harassment angle of this piece. I think it would have been a bit stronger to start with the interview and show some sexual tension there -- I'd also make Foreman more experienced. It's a little hard to believe that he would do a very effective job his first time around, and I'm not sure Smith would want an amateur. So building some sexual tension between them earlier would give it a bit more punch at the end.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with an example from your text.

Your text:

Then you lean forward and gently kiss the silky black fabric.

My Comment: You might have his "lips caress" the silky fabric or some other more active image. "Gently kiss" doesn't really tell us exactly what he did.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

Mr. Smith looks and smiles at you, enjoying the nervousness.

My Comment: Except for this sentence, you stay in Foreman's head. I'd consider have Smith smile "as if enjoying the nervousness" to stay with Formeman.

Your text:

His desk was set up so that I could see his well-polished shoes as he tapped one of them on the ground, almost as if he were listening to music.

My Comment: You dropped into first person for a moment here...

Your text:

As he leaned back, I could see that is wasn't just his shoes that were throbbing.

My Comment: another place where you dropped into first person...

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

418

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2720576

Review of To Forget

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
Matt,
I liked this story quite a lot. It has a timely and powerful theme and a twisty ending -- just my kind of story!! The tension and mystery build and the final explanation for Zach's sorrow is delivered with telling effect. Good job!

Characters
Zach's despair comes through clearly. We see his friend Tylor's loyalty and affection for Zach, but then his duty overcomes both.

Plot
Ah, the plot is what makes this story so interesting. I really liked the plot -- and the twist -- a lot!!

Setting
A motel in the modern era. I've got a couple of comments on setting -- and referencing -- below.

Dialog
The dialog between Zach and Tylor drove the tension and plot forward nicely.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Matt, I liked this story, but at the same time I felt more than a bit cheated by the opening. Let me take a moment to explain why.

Writing fiction is a bit like giving readers a guided tour. You don't tell them everything, but instead engage them so that they imagine your story along with you. Anything that takes the reader out of the story defeats this.

Now, in your story Zach's despair is an essential element of the story. It is well described in the opening, so much so that slashing his wrists is very credible as a suicide attempt. I thought that was what he was doing. One paragraph later, he's looking out his window. Many paragraphs later, we learn what he was really doing. There wasn't really any foreshadowing or hint that his action was anything other than a suicide attempt -- it just happenened, then didn't happen, and the explanation was much later and quite anticlimactic. I felt cheated, as though you had fooled me. There's a subtle difference between misdirection -- which can be a very good thing! -- and fooling your reader.

So...I think that this opening sequence needs to be re-done. At the barest minimum, Zach needs to see the wires in his wrist after he cuts himself, but even there you need to be careful, so that we know that Zach isn't a robot but rather that he has cyborg-like enhancements. That is also an opportunity to foreshadow the artificial heart later on -- which is a wonderful symbol, by the way.

The fundamental features of the plot are intriguing. I'm not quite sure that I believe in the time travel paradox that you presented, although it fits in a powerful way with your theme and I wouldn't change it. What I'm wondering, though, is whether Zach wouldn't have changed in fundamental ways by having never met Wendy? Isn't it possible that he might never have been involved in inventing the time machines -- or even that they might not have been invented at all -- due to having never met her? Of course, an even more interesting paradox would have been if it were Zach who fell to his death...

I'm not sure why Rodin refers to the agents by numbers. I found this a bit confusing the first time it happened. I understand the symbolism -- Rodin has a name and the flesh-and-bloods are numbers -- but it isn't even consistent, since Tylor and Zach refer to one another by name. I'd consider dropping the numeric names.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

Most of your adverbs seem to be of the "unnecessary" kind: ones that could just be eliminated. There are a few where more precise or vivid word choices would improve your prose.

Your text:

He watched intently as a young woman

My Comment: For example, "peered" might provide a stronger image here.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

“She was screaming” he thought aloud.

My Comment: This dialog tag bothered me -- he either "thinks" it or "speaks" it. Perhaps "murmured" would be a better choice?

Your text:

After a minute of standing in the steam filled shower he reached out of the shower and retrieved a razor from the sink edge.

My Comment: "Shower" is used twice in close proxmimity here, which tends to give your prose a monotone flavor. I'd consdier "reached to the sink" for the 2nd instance, for example. Also, is this a shower or a tub/shower combination?

Your text:

He watched intently as a young woman, probably in her mid 20’s was getting a bucket of ice from the machine in the hall outside his room.

My Comment: Phrases like "was getting" are a bit passive and tend to take the reader out of the story; I'd consider just "got." Also, the staging was a bit unclear here, as I had pictured a motel with interior halls and had to read this twice to understand the setting. You might consider early on describing the motel room a little more thoroughly so that your reader doesn't imagine something different from what you intend.

Your text:

My creators have accomplished more than many men have even dreamed of creating.

My Comment: "Creators" and "creating" is another repeated word.

Your text:

Well, whatever man, its still working so lets get going.

Should be "it's"

My Comment:

Your text:

He ran his fingers through his short black hair in frustration.

My Comment: This is a bit late in the story to describe Zach's hair: what if your reader already imagined him with shoulder-length blond hair?. In fact, I'd add some description of Zach and Tylor when they appear to help bring them to life.

Your text:

“Zach…” Tylor is cut off by Zach.

My Comment: Passive voice puts the reader in passive mode and disengages the imagination. Hence active voice is preferable.

Your text:

Which made him sick to his stomach. Tears

My Comment: We've been in Zach's head all the way to here, and now suddenly for an instant you slip into Tylor's head. I'd stay with Zach all the way through, especially now. It is more intimate and helps keep the reader engaged.

Your text:

Still fighting back hopelessly Zach struggles to speak.

My Comment: To have a consistent tense throughout, I'd suggest "struggled" here.

Your text:

When the government official had been blown over the rail by my shot, his arm had flown up and struck a fellow tourist that was looking over the rail at the gorge while holding his daughter.

"Had been blown" is passive voice.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

419

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2717457

Review of 4 Bro Clip

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
This action packed chapter from your novel races forward at breathtaking speed. The battle scenes were especially tense and well done.

Favorite Parts
The thrust and parry of the battle in the cave was tense, well described and kept the tension taut.

The stealthy assault on the cave and the rather brutal murder of the old man and the boy he was training in archery spoke to the nature of the conflict, if not to the character of your protagonists. Without the context of the rest of the novel, I can't tell the extent to which the brothers are engaged in a war or simply rather brutal killers themselves.

Characters
You give good clues to the relationships between the brothers and the skill sets that they bring to the battle.

Plot
This chapter dealt with tracking burglars to a cave, attacking the criminals, and returning the stolen loot to the townspeople. Since the attack on the criminals was without warning, I infer that this is a more barbaric time or that a more systematic war is going on.

Setting
The forest and the cave were well drawn -- I could picture the settings. I have more comments on this below.

Dialog
The dialog between the warriors was terse and appropriate to the action.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I should start with the obvious disclaimer that I have only read this chapter and hence don't have the advantage of background material that might be in earlier chapters. Thus some of my comments likely relate to things that you've already done and I just haven't had the advantage of reading.

The most obvious point is that there is minimal physcial description of the brothers. Since you do a thorough job with the criminals, I'm betting that this is covered in detail in an earlier chapter.

The setting is pretty well drawn, although I'd suggest you consider engaging more senses if possible. I'd add sounds and scents to the forest trek and certainly scents to the cavern. In addition to a musty cave smell, I'd expect the cavern to reek of smoke and body odors if the thieves have been living there.

Another point that is doubtless covered in earlier chapters relates to referencing. This chapter mixes magic -- including some kind of deflector shield from the magician -- with swords. At the very start of the chapter, I pictured the brothers in fatigues with backpacks and combat boots and only as the chapter developed did I get a more accurate picture of the culture, time and place. It would seem to me in a culture infused with real magic that the brothers' conversation might include references to the gods or magical oaths. Adding such reminders into the converstation might enhance verisimilitude make the culture you have created more vivid.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.

Your text:

They entered the cavern slowly.

My Comment: If you said they "crept" into the cavern, that gives the same image with a more active verb. You might even expand this to something like:

Treading on cautious feet, they crept forward, their eyes scanning the cave entrance for danger.

I'm sure you could do better -- the idea is to provide a more active image than "entered slowly."

Your text:

Paul quickly ran throughout the rest of the little cave complex and found empty rooms.

My Comment: This is a case where the adverb really adds nothing: "ran" implies "quickly." Thus all the adverb does is slow the pace of your narrative.

One way to think about writing fiction is that the author is provided a guided tour to the readers, engaging them to actively imagine the story along with the author. Things that disengage the active involvement of the readers should thus be avoided. Using active rather than passive verbs is one of the most effective ways to keep your readers engaged in your story. Thus, when you write things like:

Your text:

The hammer was raised in defense and stopped the swing.

My Comment: This is passive voice and disengages the reader. It would be stronger to write -- as you generally do -- using active verbs:

He raised the hammer in defense and stopped the swing.

I'll point out a couple of other instances where I think active verbs would enhance the prose.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

They followed the broken trail in the forest for three hours until it came to a small game trail then disappeared.

My Comment: Technically, "then" shouldn't be used as a stand-alone conjunction. It would be fine to say "and then disappeared." This repeats several times in the chapter -- I won't point out other instances.

Your text:

They stopped to have lunch. They made their camp in the forest in small clearing.

My Comment: There are several places where you have two short sentences like this close together. I found this gave the narrative a bit of a choppy feel and I'd consider combining many of these into a single, longer sentence. Later, in the battle sequence, shorter sentences can add to the pace of the scene since readers generally read them more quickly.

Your text:

Dax should pick up that trail shortly, he will most likely eat his rations while he walks, or not at all.

My Comment: This is a comma split -- more than one sentence joined together with a comma, where a semi-colon or two sentences would be more appropriate. Thus here you might consider:

Dax should pick up that trail shortly; he will most likely eat his rations while he walks, or not at all.

Your text:

The forest was starting to thin out when Dax raised his hand signaling them to stop.

My Comment: While not passive voice, using helping verbs like "was" also tends to put your readers in passive mode. It would be stronger to just write "The forest began to thin when Dax..." ALso, I think you need a comma after "hand."

Your text:

His mentor had an arrow protruding from throat and was falling backwards.

My Comment: I think "his" is omitted before "throat." ALso, "was falling" is another place where you might use a more active phrase like "collapsed."

Your text:

Dax looked around the corner slowly. The men were still engaged in their conversation.

My Comment: This is another place that seemed a bit choppy to me. ALso, "slowly" is another adverb I'd recommend changing. You might consider, for example, something like:

Your text:

Dax peaked around the corner and gazed on the men, still engaged in the conversation.

Again, I'm sure you can do better than the above -- this is just by way of example.

Your text:

The bubbled seemed to bend for a second then popped with a loud PLOOP.

My Comment: I think you meant "bubble" not "bubbled."

Your text:

Swords flashed and each had his defense in line. Paul couldn’t find an opening in the man’s defense, but his defense was in line as well. The tulwar flashed from up high, Paul angled his blade for defense.

My Comment: "defense" is used four times in these three sentences. Repeating the same word in such close proximity tends to give your prose a monotonous tone and is best avoided.

Your text:

The hulking black hair pulled his sword it was a saber the kind favored by pirates. He was watching, looking for an opportunity to stick someone or hamper one of the brothers.

My Comment: I think you need a semicolon after "sword." Also, "was watching" is another of those passive expressions. Again, you might consider something like:

The hulking black hair unsheathed a saber-like sword of the kind favored by pirates. His eyes prowled to and fro, looking for an opportunity to stick someone or hamper one of the brothers.

Again, you have good skill with these battle scenes, so I'm sure you can do better.

Your text:

We have found the bandits compound.

My Comment: Should be "bandit's."

Your text:

They started walking towards the door the mayor was shouting after them.

My Comment: This read a bit awkwardly to me...you might consider something like:

They strode towards the door while the mayor shouted after them.

Your text:

I will send out bearers in the morning with wagons to get our stuff back

My Comment: I'm not sure about the use of the word "stuff" in this context -- it seemed a bit modern given the rest of the setting. Also, I'd consider using contractions in speeches -- "I'll send out bearers" here, for example, as opoosed to "I will send out bearers."

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

420

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2716857

Review of By the Fireside

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
This is a fine, macabre tale that sends chills down the spine. I really enjoyed the characters, the plot and the descriptions. Excellent job!

Favorite Parts
This is a powerful image that includes sight and sound and sets the mood for what follows:

I had no notion that this would be my last week of sleeping on that thin, stiff mattress while the haunting call of the loon resounded across the water.

Here's another description that sets tone and establishes character, along with providing a vivid image:

His eyes shone like polished onyx, fixing me in his gaze, yet his expression was inscrutable.

Characters
Of course Dan is the most vivid character in this story, seen through the eyes of his rather geeky friend. He is well drawn, quite believable, and very chilling. One wonders what happened to him in later life...

Plot
I liked the plot a lot -- little twists here and there and hints about where it might go. I felt a real tension between the two. I almost suspect that there would have been a second murder if the narrator had followed Dan to that cove.

Setting
The cottage and surrounding area was well drawn.

Dialog
The dialog between the two boys was natural, matter of fact, and all the more chilling because of it.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

This is a well structured story with strong characters and well drawn settings. The main suggestions I have are relatively minor things that are easy to fix.

One of the ways to think about a story is that the author is guiding the readers, inviting them to imagine the story along with the author. Thus the prose needs to engage the reader's imagination and draw them into the story. I noticed that there are several instances of passive voice in your prose. This should be avoided precisely because it disengages the reader's imagination and puts the reader in passive, rather than active mode. For example:

Your text:

As my mind treads back along overgrown trails of summers past, those pretty pictures are darkened by a menacing shadow.

My Comment: "are darkened" is passive, so writing

As my mind treads back along overgrown trails of summers past, a menacing shadow darkens those pretty pictures.

This is a simple change that makes the prose more active and keeps the reader's imagination engaged.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with an example from your text.

Your text:

and I sometimes caught him staring expectantly at me.

My Comment: In this case, I'm not sure the adverb is really needed -- you could just say "as though he expected me to speak" for example. Alternatively, this might be more threatening if the glances were secretive and the narrator caught them in a mirror or if Dan stared, but then wouldn't meet his eyes when the narrator stared back.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

I try to discern what role I was meant to play in his schemes.

My Comment: "was meant" is another case of passive voice.

Your text:

The cottage was small but charming. It was situated on a long, secluded lot that was densely populated by pine trees,

My Comment: "was...populated" is passive. Also, here's another adverb -- "densely" -- that you might replace by describing a "thicket" of pine trees, or perhaps the trees "crowded" about the cabin.

Your text:

Afternoons were spent wandering off in the woods to sneak a smoke,

My Comment: "were spent" is passive -- I'll stop pointing these out as I'm sure you can find them too.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

421

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2716222

Review of Forgive Me

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
This story has a lot of potential to build suspense and make important social commentary at the same time. I liked your story and thought the characters were interesting.

Characters
The Priest and the former choir boy are the only two characters in the story. You transform their relationship from Priest/confessor to abuser/victim and then to victim/avenger. This transition happens pretty fast since the story is quite short.

Plot
The main plot line is the transformation and revelation of the relationship between the two characters.

Setting
The story is set in a church -- but I would have liked to see more description of that.

Dialog
The dialog between the two was good -- although I have some comments on that too.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I think my major suggestion for this story is that you make it longer. Essentially what you have written is the climax to what could be a very suspenseful tale. There is great potential for this plot to build suspense over the course of the story, but you will need to have a longer story to accomplish this. When asked about suspense, Hitchcock once said that a bomb going off is not suspense. Rather, a picture of a bomb, followed by a picture of a ticking clock, that is suspense.

For your story, you might consider starting with the former choir boy entering the church. This gives you an opportunity to set the scene -- tell us what the church looks like and sounds. You could perhaps describe one or two other parishioners at prayer, describe the candles and perhaps a residual scent of incense. All of these could in turn bring forth unspoken memories from the former choir boy. He might sit in a pew and await the arrival of the priest -- and that gives you the opportunity to describe the priest. All of this also gives you the opportunity, with our choice of words and tone, to build the suspense. The former choir boy is seeking balance in his life and plans to find it in the confessional, right? So the confessional is the "bomb" and waiting for the arrival of the priest is the "ticking clock." What you have written is then ending to this kind of story.

However you might expand the story, I think you should try to inject more descriptions of scene and character. Your two main characters are more or less disembodied voices right now. In order to help your reader imagine your story along with you, you need to bring them to life, both by putting them in motion before your climax and by giving the reader a description of what they look like and how they act and think.

Past Perfect Tense.

Almost always the word "had" both puts one in passive voice and is unnecessary. For example,

The priest’s voice had broke, and he spoke quickly, the Irish accent now so strong he was almost unintelligible

If you delete the word "had" you have the same meaning and the sentence is more evocative -- the "had" tends to distance the reader a bit from what you are describing.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

Your actions those years ago have determined mine now. Your actions have determined your fate.’

My Comment: Two comments on this. First, "have determined" is passive voice, which again tends to distance your reader from the story. It is stronger and more vivid to use active voice. Secondly, you used the same phrase -- "have determined" -- twice in close proximity. This tends to give your prose a monotone feeling. It is better to have a bit more variety in your choices of expression.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

422

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2689423

Review of Wizard of God - Full Story

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

WDC POWER RAIDER

Hi, my name is Max. I'm reviewing your story as part of the WDC Power Raid reviewing project.

General Impressions
Matthew, As we discussed separately, I reviewed this through the prologue and the end of the first scene, where the yellow brick road appears, er, I mean the glowing, golden road.

This remains an intriguing story, although there are great perils in retelling a classic that is so familiar to everyone. That's not to say this can't be done -- A Midsummer Night's Dream has elements of classic mythology for example -- but you will need to be careful to bring something new to the characters and plot. For example, John Gardner re-told the Beowulf legend, but did so from the POV of Grendel, to quite different effect.

Favorite Parts
Your description of the hurricane was great, followed by your description of the munchkins and the evil witch.

Characters
This launches a good introduction to the POV character, who comes across as a head-in-the-sand person who is rather passive. The witch is, at the moment, a stereotype. Likewise with Glenda, I mean Patricia. You see what I mean about the need to differentiate your characters in more ways than names.

Plot
The plot is familiar...so far...

Setting
The settings are well done and evocative.

Dialog
You've used a formalized, almost Victorian dialect for the Patricia and the witch, while the POV character uses a modern vernacular. This is an effective use of voice in the characters.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

In addition to my cautionary note above about the plot, I noted a tendency to both passive voice and passive phrasing. For example, phrases like "He saw" or "he heard" are almost always better if you directly describe what he saw, heard, or sensed. The reason for this is that you want to engage your readers and have them imagine your story along with you. Your story is like a guided dream in which your images, sounds, scents and other information direct the reader's imagination. When you say "he saw," this takes them out of the story and impedes this co-imagining of the story.

Similarly helper verbs -- any form of the verb "to be" -- should be examined for necessity. In particular if there is a more active way to say something, you should use it.

There's a few places where I think you have omitted commas -- this is something I have a lot of trouble with myself.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

For just one example, where you write

“Be careful of her, she’s insidious,” said Patricia softly. “

The "said softly" begs to become "murmured" or "whispered" or some other more evocative verb than "said" with a helper "softly."

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

Despite history and warnings of those around me, I only took notice after it was raging and any chance I may have had to reduce the destruction had long passed.

My Comment: the "was raging" is an example of "passive writing." You might consider something like

Despite history and warnings of those around me, I only took notice after it the storm raged about me and destroyed any chance of escape.

Your text:

The destruction of other, COMMA far more noticeable hurricanes, such as Katrina and Charlie, was all around. Wilma, on the other hand, was a small tropical storm sneaking across the other side of the state.

My Comment: I have a horrible time with commas...I think you need one here.

Your text:

It was just too easy to compare myself out of danger.E

My Comment: "compare" didn't sound quite right -- maybe "consider?"

Your text:

. It was not until the wind was shearing away everything I had worked so hard for were my eyes opened to the dark situation.

My Comment: "was shearing" is passive writing -- "sheared" would be more active. "were my eyes opened" is passive voice. This is a great image but the phrasing is not a evocative as it might be.

Only when wind sheared away all that I so prized did my eyes at last open to my dire situation.

I'm sure you can do something better than this -- the idea is to illustrate active versus passive phrasing.

Your text:

. I watched, COMMA helpless, COMMA as material items around the house began to deteriorate and be swept away altogether.

My Comment: another place I think you need a comma.

Your text:

The eye of the hurricane past overhead and I was granted a brief respite before the inevitable. I had reached the end of the road.

My Comment: I think you meant "passed." "was granted" is passive voice.

Your text:

I stepped into a dream that was placed before me in stop time. All around me was gilded gold and polished copper.

My Comment: passive voice.

Your text:

Their brightly colored exteriors were betrayed by a dull gray skin color with a muted hue.

My Comment: passive voice...these are easy to fix, viz:

Their dull gray skin, colored with a muted hue, betrayed thier brightly colored exteriors.

Your text:

She descended slowly, her gaze focused on me unwaveringly.

My Comment: another of those adverbs...why not say her gaze locked on him?

Your text:

The feeling began to become compulsive as she moved closer to me.

My Comment: "began to become" is again a passive way of describing this. Thus, saying "The feeling grew stronger as she approached" is stronger.

Your text:

“Yes mistress,” I spoke out loud, and she was.

My Comment: I didn't follow the underlined phrase.

Your text:

ordinary pair of spectacles with a silver chain that hung loosely.

My Comment: hung loosely or dangled? another adverb.

Your text:

A caring hand touched my shoulder and to my surprise Patricia was standing next to me.

My Comment: How does he know the hand is caring? Is there a nonverbal cue that tells him this? Rather than telling us he is surprised, have him start or jump when she touches him. Showing rather than telling is stronger!

Again, you have a strong start to your story and write with good images that engage all the senses. There are some minor technical flaws -- adverbs, passive voice, passive expressions -- that are easily fixed once you learn to watch for them. I'd suggest that you break up the longer story into shorter passages and edit along the lines suggested above.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

423

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2689115

Review of A Liberal By Any Other Name

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.5)

WDC POWER RAIDER

Hi, my name is Max. I'm reviewing your essay as part of the WDC Power Raid reviewing project.

General Impressions
I liked this essay and its important historical perspective on the notion that the US is, like it or not, a liberal democracy.

Your essay is well written and well argued. Usually I review fiction and so include a number of comments on that craft. Expository writing is a different art, and you do quite well at it. I have no comments on improvement of the mechanics or basic argumentation of this essay.

I think I'd suggest adding a couple of references. First, John Stuart Mill's classic essay "On Liberty" is often seen as the quintessential expression of the American political ideals. Interestingly, however, this essay was written largely as a reaction to the strong tendency toward conformity in American culture, as noted by de Toqueville among others. The "Know-nothings" and later the KKK (or modern incarnations today) have been as much a part of American political history as the more liberating trends that you note. These two conflicting strains, individual liberty and conformity, play out even today in modern US politics.

A second, even more alarming trend, is expressed in the political philosophy of the neo-conservative movement. This movement, founded on the teachings and writings of Leo Strauss, can be seen as not so much anti-liberal as anti-democratic. Indeed, Strauss wrote

...only on the basis of principles of the right – fascist, authoritarian, imperial – is it possible in a dignified manner, without the ridiculous and pitiful appeal to ‘the inalienable rights of man’ to protest against the mean nonentity."

This powerful political movement, which includes the premise that strong leaders have an obligation to lie to the public "for their own good" has the danger of hijacking our proud liberal political tradition.

Another line of socio-political research has to do with the growing influence of authoritarians in the American political process. Robert Altemeyer at the University of Manitoba has done extensive research on this which has been popularized in John Dean's most recent book.

Thus, I am in fundamental agreement with your points, but feel that further exposition into the both positive and the darker side of the American political psyche would enhance the power of your essay.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your essay! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your essay.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

424

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2688837

Review of A Specter is Haunting Europe

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

WDC POWER RAIDER

Hi, my name is Max. I'm reviewing your story as part of the WDC Power Raid reviewing project.

General Impressions
In general this essay is well written and fairly well argued. I'll divide my comments into two general parts: one on the economic and political theories and one on the mechanics of the writing.

It seems to me that your primary premise is in the following sentence:

Your text:

The truth is that what most Americans think of as communism is actually a misconception

and a sub-premise is in the following:

Your text:

in fact more effective than the capitalistic ideas we Americans have so fondly embraced.

The second and third paragraphs develop more fully the arguments in support of the primary premise. I should note in passing that a dispassionate analysis of the ten points of the "Communist Manifesto" would lead one to conclude that they have all been more or less put in effect in most western democracies -- something that would surely go a long way in support of your premise. It's also worth noting that they have mostly NOT been put in effect in so-called Communist states like China. Certainly your presentation of the intent of Marx and Engels, namely for an economic philosophy that would liberate the working poor from the truly horrid conditions of the 19th century, is well founded.

With the paragraph that starts "Communism also changes the shape of human nature as we know it..." I think your argument begins to fail. The next several paragraphs describe how so-called attempts at Communist systems have, in fact, not been liberating at all but instead of have become authoritarian and class-bound themselves. Indeed, I think your quote from Locke more properly belongs in these paragraphs than earlier. One fundamental tenet of Marx and Engels is that people are fundamentally good and will, given a choice, act for the public good instead of out of greed and personal self-interest. Capitalism, in contrast, is founded a more Hobbesian view that people are inherently greedy and selfish. Modern capitalism, especially in the US, is also built on a firm faith -- some would say blind faith -- in Adam Smith's "dead hand," which posits that the sum of individual greedy choices adds up to the public good. Your history of failed so-called Communist states would seem to support the Hobbesian view of human nature. In many ways, this difference is at the heart of the differences between the two systems.

As an aside, one could easily argue that China today is much more like 19th century unbriddled and unregulated capitalism than any other modern state. China today pays lip service to Communist principals, but in fact the economy is almost wholly based on unregulated private enterprise. The distribution of wealth is extraordinarily unequal (surpassed only by that of the US among industrial states), which results in the very class structures that Marx and Engels so opposed.

Your final paragraph on capitalism seems to be unsupported by argument -- not that I think it cannot be supported, just that you don't do so. Since this is supposed to be an essay on either Communism or Capitalism, I'm not quite sure you need the final paragraph, except in support of your secondary premise. Since you don't really advance any arguments, I'd recommend dropping the secondary premise and the final paragraph.

One final note -- both the pure systems of communism and capitalism to which you allude in this essay are quite outdated from the standpoint of economic theory. The modern theory of the firm, Schumpeter's theories on the disruptive (and healthy) impact of innovation in industrial societies, and various theories on international trade and the consequences of globalization all render many of these notions rather quaint, if well intended.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

As Europe transgressed through its Industrial Age,

My Comment: I don't think "transgressed" is quite the word you wanted. Maybe "transitioned?"

Your text:

different concepts of economy evolved to meet the immediate needs.

My Comment: Immediate needs of what? Perhaps you meant to "respond to changing economic and social conditions?"

Your text:

With a caste system commonly seen in countries,

My Comment: Caste systems are more of a social than national phenomenon, I think, so "in countries" seemed a bit strange.

Your text:

n the Communistic theory, COMMA equality is reached and there is no tyranny.

My Comment: I think you need a comma here.

Your text:

How can a person argue that communism is actually not beneficial to the federation?

My Comment: What federation are you talking about? Or do you mean "society?"

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your essay! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your essay.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

425

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2688765

Review of Square Eyes

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

WDC POWER RAIDER

Hi, my name is Max. I'm reviewing your story as part of the WDC Power Raid reviewing project.

General Impressions
Stephen,

I think that five hundred word short stories are especially difficult to write. As in poetry, every word must count. In this story, you've done a terrific job of setting an eerie scene and building tension using the minimalist images this form demands.

Favorite Parts
The scene of chaos outdoors, with superman blasting the adults, was creative and very well done.

Characters
There's not much room for characterization in a work this short, but Larry came through clearly.

Plot
Ah, this drove to the inevitable ending with a weird intensity. Very nice!

Setting
Again, the scene outdoors was very evocative, as was the explosion of the characters from the TV.

Dialog
Not much, but it was well done.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I have a few line-by-line comments, but this was a very well-done little piece of chaotic horror. I'm not sure I caught some of the references (Ben 10 and Pennywise, for two examples), but still had no trouble following the narrative.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

Larry could pinpoint the exact moment his world became a living nightmare, it was when the cartoons climbed out the television.

My Comment: This is a comma split. You should have either a period or a semicolon after "nightmare."

Your text:

He screamed, and lurched to his feet. "He's not, going to…"

My Comment: The antecedent to "he" wasn't clear to me here. Is it Larry or the alien?

Your text:

Without a second thought, he scooped Jason off the sofa

My Comment: I'm pretty sure this "he" refers to Larry, but it wasn't 100% clear on first reading.

Your text:

We need our fans admiration.

My Comment: should be "fan's" - omitted apostrophe.

Your text:

from somewhere inside Alison thought she heard a man say, “Look Mother, they’re coming.”

My Comment: POV shift here from Larry to Alison--I'd strongly recommend staying with Larry all the way through in such a short story.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/