Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈's (mathguy) Reviews

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Review Requests: ON

1,658 Public Reviews Given

3,028 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

In depth, detailed, and supportive.

I'm good at...

Elements of craft that draw readers into your fictional world and your character's head.

Favorite Genres

SciFi, Mystery, Thriller, Horror

Least Favorite Genres

Fantasy

Favorite Item Types

Short stories

Least Favorite Item Types

nonfiction, poetry

I will not review...

I'm only interested in prose fiction. I will not review anything over 4000 words, nor will i review poetry. If you have a longer piece, please divide it into bite-sized chunks.

376

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2898564

Review of Roses

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
Saul,
First, let me welcome you to WDC since I see that you just joined yesterday! I joined about a year ago and have found this to be a wonderful place to learn and grow as an author. I hope that you find your time here as valuable and productive as I have.

I really like horror stories with twisty endings, and yours did not disappoint! Things that go bump in the night, hiding in shadows, carry special fright for all of us. Adding the macabre accompaniment of the scent of roses is a great additional touch!

Favorite Parts
I liked this paragraph. You set the scene, told us the age of your viewpoint character, and added the spooky shadows.

He paused at the bottom of the steps and flicked a switch that was almost too high for him to reach. Light flooded the basement, illuminating everything save for the farthest corners, where pitch blackness reigned.

Adding the discordant scent of roses, which threads through the later incidents, gives the scene a nice, eerie quality.

As he stepped forward a strong scent hit him, like the roses his father often brought home as a gift for his mother. It overwhelmed him, making his eyes water.

Characters
You have a sequence of children getting ready for Halloween and their parents, each scene repeating. Except, of course, for the last one, where we know what will happen...

Plot
You make good use of the "rule of threes" -- the monster in the shadows attacks twice, to establish a pattern. When it arises the third time, the pattern is there, and the reader knows what will happen.

Setting
A basement, a rural home, a school, and a little girl's bedroom.

Dialog
This was a bit sparse, but served the purpose of moving the plot forward.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author. There is a careful balance between engaging the readers' imaginations and overwhelming them with too much information. In the case of this story, I thought perhaps that each segment could be longer, with more descriptions of the settings and characters, to make the scenes more immediat and intimate for the readers.

I also felt that you perhaps telegraphed a bit too much what was going to happen at the outset. A story like this succeeds to the extent that tension builds throughout. I would consider starting this story the day before Halloween, with all of these children in the same 4th grade class, excited about the party the next day. Perhaps the teacher reads them a scary Halloween tale, or they talk about a scary movie ("The Thing" might be appropriate), to add a bit of foreshadowing. Then, as Isabel walks home, she might smell the roses and see something rustling in the shadows.

I'd also try to inject Isabel into each of the subsequent scenes in some way, for continuity. Perhaps the first little boy has a secret crush on her and thinks about her in the basement, perhaps the second called her too. That creates a level of increasing threat for Isabel. To paraphrase Hitchcock, there isn't any suspense in a bomb going off. What is suspenseful is a picture of a bomb, followed by a clock ticking, followed by your characters unaware of the threat. In the latter case, the audience -- or reader -- is now working with you, imagining the disaster that awaits the unaware characters. I think you need a bit more of the ticking clock. I also think that the first incident might be less specific about what happens, then in the second the Mother finds the blood-soaked phone and the smell of roses. Now we're set up for Isabel's threat via the "rule of threes."

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.

Your text:

his body instantly growing cold.

My Comment: Here, "growing cold" isn't a very lively image, so you pepped it up with "instantly." Insteand, a more precise verb choice, perhaps "a frigid chill flashed through him," might be better.

Your text:

She entered the house more quickly than usual.

My Comment: Again, "entered the house" doesn't have much color, so you pepped it up with "quickly." In this case, I think a more thorough description of her "racing" to the door, "flinging it open" and letting it slam after her would build the tension. Perhaps her hands tremble and she has trouble fitting the key in the lock, again delaying her entry and adding to the suspense. The idea would be to add to the suspense and, at the same time, give a more complete and vivid picture for the readers.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

As she stopped her car to check her mail, her cell phone rang, something she thought strange for the rural area she lived in.

My Comment: I guess I don't understand why a cell phone call is strange in a rural area?

Your text:

She paid no notice: it was probably the dog that lived across the road, who frequented their property.

My Comment: If you were to follow my suggestion above about Isabel walking home, the dog is a terrific explanation for what she might see that "explains" what is hidden in the shadows. Repeating it here then connects the scenes.

Your text:

She thought it strange that James did not appear at once and try to rush her into the house. Removing her purse from its place on the passenger seat, she exited the car, and reached the door of her house in a few steps.

My Comment: The word "house" is used in subsequent sentences, then repeats again a few lines later. Repeating words like this tends to give your prose a monotone feel; it is usually better to find a more varied word choice.

Your text:

The party was a success. Isabel had more fun than she thought possible, and was disappointed when it came time to leave

My Comment: This is telling rather than showing. A few sentences showing Isabel in word and deed enjoying the party would make this transition stronger.

Your text:

The chat that instantly ensued was uninteresting to her.

My Comment: Telling again. I'd consider describing her fidgeting while the adults droned on, shuffling her feet and escaping from her mother's gripping hand. If you let the readers infer she's bored rather than telling them, they will be more engaged in your story.

Your text:

At last the phone beeped as it was hung up.

My Comment: "was hung up" is passive voice, which puts your readers in passive rather than active mood. I'd consider changing to active voice.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

377

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2896345

Review of Hospital

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the "review-a-newbie" page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
First, let me welcome you to WDC. I joined about a year ago and have found it to be full of friendly people who are willing to share their expertise on the art and craft of writing. I hope that you find your time here as productive and enjoyable as I have.

I like scary stories with twisty endings, and yours did not disappoint. There's a lot to like in this little bit of the macabre, from the plot to the main character to the ending. Keep on writing as I think you show great promise!

Favorite Parts
This is a great, spooky image:

. The darkness was a mystery of curves and lines, and Anna could see no movement within.

Here's another wonderful, active image:

. Shadows danced over the walls, making Anna jump, but when she looked, it was only the moon being filtered through the leaves of a tree outside.

Characters
Ana is the main character, plus, of course, the patient in room 505.

Plot
Ana is on her first night at work in a hospital for the insane. She's assigned to ward with violent patients and the staff all carry batons to defend themselves. A frightening odor exudes from room 505 and when she investigates, what she finds is more terrifying than she ever imagined.

Setting
Hospital ward.

Dialog
A little sparse, but what there is moves the story along well.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author. This basic idea of storytelling provides the frame for some of my comments below.

You have knack for using simile and metaphor to describe things. I'd suggest that you build on this strength and use it more, to help build a more complete sensual picture of the hospital and of your characters. Ana, in particular, is more or less a disembodied voice. We learn late in the story that she is short (two feet shorter than the patient) and petite, but it would be beter if these details came earlier. Also, your descriptions of your character can advance the readers' understanding of her, just as your descriptions of the setting advance the plot.

There's a bit of telling early in the story too. Fiction is more intimate and immediate to the reader if you show the basic circumstances of the story rather than tell them. So, for example, you miight have Ana meet a handsome young doctor around the coffee maker, flirt with him and, in so doing, reveal that this is her first night and she is a bit nervous. Of course, this young doctor could become the victim later on, connecting the two scenes. That makes the victim more real for the readers, and enhances her -- and their -- horror at finding him in the room.

Similarly, you might have her give the patient his meds earlier on in the story, so we see the mad glimmer in his eyes and, perhaps, the fatal allure of his personality. She might wonder, for example, if he really is insane since he seems so normal, then have him do something horrid to confirm his madness. That would also foreshadow the ending where he fools the other hospital staff into thinking he's a physician.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs (well, I counted over 20), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.

Your text:

She approached the door and carefully turned the handle.

My Comment: In this case, I'd give a bit more description of her actions and let the reader infer she's being careful. Perhaps she wipes the sweat from her palms first, and grips the handle and hesitates before she turns it. Perhaps she takes a deep breath, or her fingers tremble. Adding some physical details to her action will make them more vivid in the readers' imaginations.

Your text:

Anna quickly gathered up the sheet

My Comment: Here, just choosing a more precise verb would likely suffice -- perhaps she "snatched" up the sheet?

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

The STAIR ward was for patients with a history of violence.

My Comment: I don't know what STAIR stands for, and most of your readers won't either. I'd consider spelling it out the first time you use it. Perhaps she reads it on a door, or someone tells her what it means in conversation.

Your text:

Staff were instructed to use them for “defence only”.

My Comment: "were instructed" is passive voice, which places your readers in a passive mode when you want them actively engaged in imagining your story along with you. It is almost always better to use active rather than passive voice.

Your text:

Her hand was covered in something dark and sticky.

My Comment: Active voice would be especially important here, to make the dark, sticky, oozy stuff something that slimes her hand.

Your text:

. They both wore white scrubs.

My Comment: This is the third time in as many paragraphs that you've referenced "white scrubs." Repeating words and phrases like this tends to give your prose a monotone feel. I'd consider finding another phrase or two for the same image.

Your text:

The two doctors leant over her. Anna suddenly realised how she must look. Her scrubs were imbrued with blood

My Comment: I think you have a couple of typos here -- "leant" for "leaned" and "imbrued" for "imbued."

Your text:

felt her muscles relax, felt her eyelids grow heavy as the sedative wrapped her in warmth

My Comment: PHrases like "she felt" or "she was aware" filter the sensations through your characters. It is usually better to describe the sensation directly -- "Her muscles turned to rubber" -- rather than say "she felt her muscles turn to rubber" since that is more initmate and direct for your reader. They won't have any trouble inferring that she felt it.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

378

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2890447

Review of throwing bricks at paper walls

Review by

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi! Thank you for inviting me to read and critique your story. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
E.R., this chapter has a compelling style and voice. Sorrow and desperation ooze from your narrator. The writing reminds me a bit of some of the early, powerful works of John Rechy -- "City of the Night," for example -- although the thematic material is quite different. The symbolism of your narrator working for a commercial painter is wonderful: his job is to cover up things in the surrounding middle-class world that he seems to despise and long for at the same time. I see much potential for this story and the very original voice of your narrator.

Favorite Parts
This description does a good job of setting the scene and the mood:

With a single bed against the far wall, sink and faded second hand mirror in the corner, a desk built into the opposite end of the room and a shared bathroom; this lovely little rat's nest almost felt like home.

I liked this one too:

The hallway was drab and lifeless, yet there was still a lingering hint of character clinging to it's nicotine stains.

Characters
Mostly we meet the narrator and hear his thoughts. The bartender, the elderly drunk down the hall, the panhandler: these all pass across his awareness more as cyphers for his ruminations than as characters. That's not a bad way to introduce your narrator.

Plot
I can't tell exactly where you are going with this, as this chapter mostly introduces the narrator. We know he lives in a seedy motel, works for a commercial painter, and there's a reference to a casino in the first paragraph.

Setting
Seedy hotel, seedy bar.

Dialog
Just a snippet, with the bartender. It seemed to serve its purpose.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In this way, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author. You seem to have selected an almost-but-not-quite stream of consciousness style for this story. As I noted above, many authors have used this technique to powerful effect. But it presents special challenges in terms of descriptions, dialog, and other narrative tools available to the author. So far this seems to be working fairly well, although I'd recommend pumping up some of the descriptions -- in the narrator's voice, of course -- to enhance the realism.

As an example, while we have a reasonable visual image of his room and a somewhat more sparse visual image of the hallway, we are missing the other senses. There must be scents and sounds, at a minimum, that penetrate his awareness. For example, can he hear the TV in the elderly guy's room from his own? Does anyone cook in their room? Does the hallway have the musty smell of dust and cigarettes? Is the mattress on his bed hard and flat? All of these little descriptive details also give us some insight into your narrator as, in describing them, he is also reacting to them.

In media res.

It is almost always a good idea to start "in the middle of things." By showing your characters in motion, interacting with one another in word and deed, your story comes alive in your reader's imagination. While I found your narrator's voice compelling, I think it would be even more so if he were doing something -- especially in the opening paragraphs. Maybe he's working on a paint job, but his mind is detached as he covers up the mistakes someone else's life with paint. Maybe he likes or hates the smell of paint. Show him doing things and interacting with the world around him from the very start.

I also noted a large number of comma splits in the narration. A comma split occurs when you have two sentences joined by a comma; instead you should separate them with a period or with a semicolon. I'll point out a couple of these in the line-by-line comments below. About halfway through, I decided that this might be a deliberate stylistic choice, to give the piece a stream-of-consciousness feel. I'm dubious about the long-term effectiveness as this also has a tendency to make the prose seem run-on and bit monotonous. However, this chapter is not long enough for me to reach a definitive conclusion. I do expect, though, that this choice will make it harder to obtain a commercial sale.

On a technical note, there's a few misspelled words. If you are using a word processor, I'd suggesting using the spell checker to find them. In WDC, you view your static item there's a "spell" button near the top that will spell-check it too.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

I was eighteen years old, I had done the job before;

My Comment: Even though this is the opening clause in a compound sentence, it is a comma split. If you delete the comma and replace it with an "and," then I think it works better. Also, I'm not sure what the "job" is that is referenced here.

Your text:

My frame was slender and frail, it held all the akward subtleties of my softly subdued teenage years.

My Comment: This is a nice description, but it's another comma split.

Your text:

The town's only SRO hotel held my soul and wished me well, I was living in room 19 at the time.

My Comment: another comma split...

Your text:

My neck was tensing up, I knew tomorrow would be more of the same neutral sorrow. Sore muscles needed soothing, at least the tavern was just around the corner and down the stairs. T

My Comment: Two more comma splits. I'm sure you're getting the idea by now, so I won't point out any more.

Your text:

"Uh, yeah. Your welcome."

My Comment: Should be "you're" welcome.

Your text:

Draft beer was the everlasting necter of my aching servants soul.

My Comment: This was a wonderful sentence, giving insight to the character. There's a typo, though: it should be "servant's soul."

Your text:

In my room I could spy the little barflies scurrying from here to there, swinging the tavern door in a mesmorizing motion.

My Comment: another great sentence...but "mesmerizing" is a typo.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

379

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2867957

Review of The Infinite Doorway

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
Welcome to WDC and thank you for sharing this haunting little piece. I liked the imagery and the ambiguity, and the question at the end!

Favorite Parts
There's some nice descriptions here; for example

My throat felt like a fish left in the beating sun; my hands like wax.

here's another:

my stomach twisted like a wrung towel.

very creative!

Characters
Just a naked, fearful, narrator, revealed through his internal thoughts and, somewhat, through his deeds.

Plot
A mysterious, fearful corrider ending in a doorway to the unknown.

Setting
A claustrophobic, grinding, thrumming setting, propelling the narrator forward with a grim determination.

Dialog
Well, there's only one character, so all we have is internal dialog.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author. This notion will frame some of my comments below.

I think that my biggest suggestion for improvement is to avoid phrases like "I felt." This filters the sensations that he "felt" through your narrator, making the descriptions less intimate and immediate for your readers. I'll give some examples later in the line-by-line comments.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with an exmple from your text.

Your text:

My voice was sucked up into eternity, which floated dangerously above my head. Or was I already a part of eternity?

My Comment: I'd consider looking for either a more precise verb for "floated" -- perhaps "lurked?" -- or put in another of your imaginative metaphors. Also, the "was sucked" is passive voice, which makes your readers passive rather than active participants in your story. I'd consider re-phrasing, perhaps as in "Eternity sucked up my voice..."

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

I entered the dark passage and felt melancholy choke my mind.

My Comment: This is one of those "I felt" instances. I'd consider "melancholy choked my mind" -- making the mode active.

Your text:

I felt my heart beat faster

My Comment: Another one -- perhaps "my heart drummed in my chest" or some such.

Your text:

It's brilliance imprinted itself into my vision,

My Comment: typo: should be "its."

Your text:

I felt the world turn on its axis.

My Comment: and another -- perhaps "the world whirled on its axis."

Your text:

The sound of my breathing was muted by a great ominous humming

My Comment: "was muted is passive" - consider, perhaps,

A great ominous humming muted the sound of my breathing

Your text:

My throat felt like a fish left in the beating sun; my hands like wax.

My Comment: I already said I liked this, but the "I felt" distances the reader from the sensations by filtering it through your narrator, as noted above.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

380

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2849683

Review of All I Need

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on

Power Reviewers List

(ASR)
A list of items needing reviewed by the WDC Power Reviewers.
#1325649 by KC under the midnight sun

I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
I enjoyed this story a great deal. The idea of a clone lacking the spark -- the soul -- of the original is not new, of course, but your portrayal through an artist makes this evocative. Of course, it's hard to come up with an entirely new idea in SciFi, and this particular one has been done before, I think by C.M. Kornbluth. Still, your presentation and his are quite different and this did not detract from my enjoyment of your story.

Favorite Parts
The opening scenes in the concert hall were quite well done, and established Jessie's character and position.

Characters
Jessie, Steve, and Dr. Grant. The POV alternates between Jessie and Steve.

Plot
The plot is the strongest element of this story. We meet a popular music star, felled by terminal cancer, and her slimy agent's plan to clone her. The evil agent blackmails the flawed but brilliant Dr. Grant into doing the deed -- the basis for the blackmail is not revealed until the ending. The twists and turns, and the satisfying end that comes to the agent, are what make the story.

Setting
Concert hall, hospital, Grant's lab, Steve's apartment...

Dialog
The dialog, both internal and between the characters, was well done. It advanced both character and plot, which is excellent technique. Each character spoke with a unique voice.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author. The more that you draw your readers into your fictional dream, the more successful and memorable your story becomes. I liked the plot and characters in your story quite a lot, but there are places where I thought the narrative felt a bit flat. I think one reason has to do with building the dream environment for the reader, loading up their senses with descriptions and details to make the characters and setting more intimate and immediate. A second reason has to do with controlling the point of view. I'll elaborate on both of these.

You've chosed a great place to start your story, at Jessie's concert. You mention the thunderous applause, followed by the stillness as she begins to speak, which starts to set the scene. But on the stage, there'd be the blinding glare of the lights that would heat her face. Since she's in pain, sweat would probably sheen on her brow and burn her eyes. The scent of thousands of people crammed together might help propel her performance, and surely those thousands of rapt souls listening would resonate and amplify her vocalizations. Maybe the applause reverberates against the pain in her side. Put us in the moment for Jessie, with that flood of emotion and sensory data.

Similarly, at the hospital we'd have a different and contrasting set of sensory data and emotions running through her. How would the crisp sheets feel, and the hospital gown? What about the scents in the hospital?

Another small problem is that the physical description of your characters is rather sparse. As you introduce them, you should sneak in little bits about how they look to help your readers build a mental image of their appearance.

So, my first suggestion for the story is to add more description and sensory information.

My second suggestion is to better foreshadow the ending in two ways. First, Steve should not have been surprised that the cloning didn't quite work since he knew it hadn't quite worked the first time. So perhaps Grant could allude to the "other time" when the clone was almost, but not quite the same. Secondly, I'm not sure that the Elvis story really adds to the narrative, especially since it turns out to be made up. You could instead give the previous clone another artistic talent -- perhaps painting or playing the piano or poetry -- that failed to appear in the clone. That could even turn out to be true! I think that would make the general theme stronger. However, I would actually consider eliminating much of the conversation between Steve and Grant altogether...

Third, your story alternates between Jessie's point of view and Steve's, with a brief digression to Grant's. For sure, I'd eliminate the little piece that is in Grant's POV (on his arrival at Saint John's) and tell as much of the story as possible from Jessie's. In some ways, I think this might be stronger if the entire thing is told from Jessie's POV. You could then narrate her descent at Grant's lab and him placing her in a coma, her awakening, Steve's arrival, and so on. You could put her in the studio recording, and she could sense something missing -- you tell us she DID sense something missing, so why not stay in her head throughout. Show her frustration at not being able to bring the same creative spark to her songs as before, show her fans' disappointment at her first concert. You could show Steve abandoning her as her career fails and her desperate search for what she senses is missing. As it stands, you tell us all this rather than showing it, which makes it less immediate and intimate to the readers.

Finally, when Grant tracks her down at the hospital, THAT might be the time that he reveals the whole cloning thing, so the reader discovers the reason at the same time as Jessie. That would, I think, pack more dramatic punch. What you could foreshadow, then, is this eventual revelation during her time in Grant's lab, perhaps in conversations that she overhears between Grant and Steve when they think she's unconscious. I wouldn't be specific -- I'd be mysterious to help build the tension to the revelation that she's really a clone.

The fight with Steve is well done, but again I'd tell the whole thing from Jessie's point of view. Why doesn't he die? Why doesn't she feel more emotion? Describe his hot blood splashing on her face and his hands grinding at her throat.

Finally, at the ending, you might have Jessie and Grant happen to meet one another while they are visiting Steve in the asylum. That way you will have brought all three characters together at the ending, and it gives a more believable reason why Jessie and Grant might be meeting and talking.

I did like this story a lot, and the above suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this story better. The basic ideas are to include more sensory information and descriptions, to stick with a single POV in the story, to foreshadow key story elements a little better, and to build a bit more tension to the revelation that Jessie is a clone. To the extent that you agree with these, I'm sure you can devise better ways of doing them than the suggestions above, which I offer more as examples than anything.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs (well, there's over 60 of them here), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.

Your text:

briefly looked

My Comment: Adverbs often appear to add color to actions. However, a more precice verb choice often adds the same color in a more intimate and immediate way. Here, for example, you might have the receptionist "glance" up.

Your text:

Jim Grant replied brusquely

My Comment: Here's another one -- perhaps he "growled" or "snarled" or "sneered." A more precise verb will make the action more vivid.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

Her soft, silvery voice floated through the hall enchanting everyone it touched.

My Comment: I have trouble with commas, but I'm pretty sure that a dependent clause like "enchanting everyone it touched" should be set off with a comma. There's several other similar places where I thought you might need a comma. You might read this out loud and every place that there is a natural pause is a candidate for a comma.

Your text:

Blood drawn, throat cultures taken, X-rays and MRIs done.

My Comment: This is a fragment. I understand you want to portray the abrupt and rapid-fire nature of her visit to the hospital, but short choppy sentences will do the same thing. Many readers will find fragments disruptive to the fictional dream. The exception would be in dialog, since people often do speak or think in fragments.

Your text:

Thee Jessica Waters?

My Comment: typo: "thee" instead of "the."

Your text:

This clone of Jessie was created artificially.

My Comment: "was created" is passive voice, which makes your readers passive when you want them to actively imagine your story with you. I consider changing all instances of passive voice to active.

Your text:

"Screw you, bitch! Why should I help you? You're not worth two plug nickels to me," he thought.

My Comment: Thoughts should be italicized rather than placed in quotes.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
"Invalid Item"

381

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2840219

Review of Elpest

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on

Power Reviewers List

(ASR)
A list of items needing reviewed by the WDC Power Reviewers.
#1325649 by KC under the midnight sun

I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
There is some fine, evocative writing in this melancholy little piece. I liked the thematic content and the sadness and loneliness that you evoked.

Favorite Parts
Some of your prose is almost lyrical in its flow and poetic descriptions. For one example among many:

They floated in a languid dance and lay on the surface of the sea. They were the scales of Elpest…what was left of him.

Characters
The Dragon, his brother, and the little boy.

Plot
The dragon grieves for his lost brother. The little boy finds the crystalline remains of his scales and the longing pierces his heart as well.

Setting
The beach.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author. It's important that your prose encourage this active participation; one way to do that is to use active, rather than passive verb, forms. The latter tend to put your readers in a passive, receptive mood when you want them to be active participants in your story. Thus I've noted several places in the line-by-line comments below where there are passive verbs.

To lend symmetry to the story, I'd consider starting with the little boy roaming the beach, then segue to story of the dragon, then return to the little boy. Beginning and ending in the same setting helps lend a unity to your story.

Another way to keep your readers engaged in the story is to have a point of view character and to stick with that throughout. In this case, most of the story is told from the POV of the dragon grieving for his lost brother. Thus, I'd stay with that throughout. At the very end, where the little boy feels the loss in his heart, you might have the dragon observe sadness flood his features and his hand pass over his heart -- as though experiencing the same loss that the dragon feels. That way you stay with the dragon's POV.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with an example from your text.

Your text:

They fell quietly, soundlessly. They floated in a languid dance and lay on the surface of the sea.

My Comment: I love the second sentence, which paints a word picture of the scales falling "quietly, soundlessly." I'd consider deleting the first sentence, which tells rather than shows the image.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

The sound of the sea was rhythmic but it soothed no hurts.

My Comment: This is a great image, but the phrasing somewhat distances the reader from the sound. A more intimate phrasing might be:

The rhythmic sound of the sea soothed no hurts.

Notice the difference is slight, but the above makes the sound the actor in the sentence (it soothes no hurts) as opposed to passive (was rhythmic).

Your text:

In their folds, stories of misery were whispered.

My Comment: "were whispered" is passive. You might consider

The waves whispered stories of mystery in their folds.

Your text:

oh the moon was grim, as if refusing to submit, to its call.

My Comment: There is no antecedent to "its." Well, the antecedent is there, but it's in the next paragraph, which I found confusing on first reading.

Your text:

It was a great muscular creature with translucent scales of a periwinkle grey, a color that matched the grief that had wrung his spirit for centuries.

My Comment: I'd refer to the dragon as "he" throughout. This sentence calls him an "it" then a "he."

Your text:

Its head was thrown back

My Comment: "was thrown back" is passive.

Your text:

His sights were set elsewhere. His dreams were woven somewhere high and soaring, away from the scornful ground.

My Comment: more passive voice -- "were set," "were woven."

Your text:

I will fly to the sun for there are worlds of treasure, he had said.

My Comment: the dragon's speech should be in quotes.

Your text:

It had become a place where agony was shed freely. No other living soul was allowed there at night. It was the dragon’s realm, his to haunt.

My Comment: "was shed" and "were allowed" are passive voice.

The instances of passive voice, along with the other notes above, are minor and easy to repair, assuming you agree. Overall, there is much to admire in the writing here.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
"Invalid Item"

382

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2838479

Review of Darkness

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. Gabriella asked that I read some of your stories and I found this one. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
I enjoyed this story of loneliness and trouble finding comfort in the arms of unexpected acquaintances. Sometimes the most surprising strangers are those we see every day.

Favorite Parts
The references to the darkness, paralleling Krystal's struggles, are evocative.

The sun struggled though the clouds. Like her, it didn’t have any place to go.

Contrasting the mood of darkness with the sunlight is very nice!

Krystal's melancholy flashes to empathy in an instant in this sentence:

She was about to turn and walk away, having many things to look forward to, when she spotted a lone figure on the side of the bridge, one hand on a beam, leaning forward, peering at the waters below. Her heart clenched. Jonathan.

Characters
Krystal, then Jonathan, then other students from the school, each with a tragic story.

Plot
Krystal is caught in adolescent despair, only to learn that all those about her have greater troubles. She finds inspiration in the determination to help.

Setting
A bridge, over troubled waters (nice allegory!)

Dialog
This flowed naturally and advanced character and plot.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

The opening paragraphs struck me as more telling than showing. Once Krystal meets Jonathan on the bridge, the story really picks up steam and the characters come to life. I wonder if you might start the story back in the school, perhaps at the lab bench, with Jonathan chatting about his history project over a dead frog? You could follow that with some trivial incident on the way out to show Krystal feeling left out and rejected by her fellow students. I'd keep that incident a bit ambiguous, so it's possible it is Krystal's bashfulness rather than meanness from her fellow students. In any case, I'd put Krystal and one or more of the other characters in motion in the superficial social environment of the school, interacting and speaking, to create a contrast for when they meet on the bridge. In the closed school environment, they hide their problems from themselves and one another -- but when the meet on the bridge all is different. But I digress -- I'd start the story with an incident at school to establish Krystal's angst, then move to the walk home and the bridge.

I also found the ending just a bit Pollyanna-ish. I especially wonder about a bank helping a poor person with medical bills, but that might be just me. I should think that their discovery is one another, that they are not alone, rather than solutions to their problems.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.

Your text:

Krystal’s surprise at Jonathan’s fury quickly turned into anger.

My Comment: I'd look for a more precise verb than "quickly turned" -- perhaps "flashed."

Your text:

Krystal gently asked the high school’s best athlete.

My Comment: This is another case where a more precise verb -- perhaps "murmured" -- would be more vivid for the reader.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

She slowly walked home, procrastinating.

My Comment: Here's another adverb. In this case, I'd extend the description of how she's walking home, taking side streets, looking at the ground, heaving a sigh -- whatever it takes to build a visual image that she is "slowly" walking and "procrastinating." Drive the reader to that conclusion with your description rather than telling us.

Your text:

It was lurking in the sunlight, bidding its time.

My Comment: typo: I think you meant "biding."

Your text:

People would tell her that it wasn’t important, that that was not what life was about.

My Comment: Lots of "that's" in this sentence. Repeating words like this tends to give your prose a monotone feel, so it's better to have a more varied word choice. Perhaps:

"It's not important," her mother would say. "Life's not about looks."

Your text:

Easy for them to say.

My Comment: I think this is an internal thought, so it should be in italics.

Your text:

The sun struggled though the clouds.

My Comment: typo: should be "through"

Your text:

It must be quite horrible to feel that the only way out of a problem was to kill yourself, she mused.

My Comment: Another internal thought, so should be in italics.

Your text:

Jonathan smiled tightly.

My Comment: I'll stop with the adverbs...you might consider something like

The tight smile that toyed with his lips failed to warm his eyes.

Your text:

He vainly tried to repress it.

My Comment: This is a POV violation. We've been in Krystal's head and she can only infer that he's tried to repress it.

Your text:

She is also pregnant.

My Comment: Your dialog is quite natural -- other places your characters speak in contractions. I'd do the same here -- "She's also pregnant."

Your text:

each tear liberating them from a reality to hard to endure alone in silence.

My Comment: typo: too

COMMENT HERE

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

383

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2828911

Review of Natasha Doomsday

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
Stu, I enjoyed this little story about the interconnectedness of things. It reminded me a bit of this verse by Jonathan Swift:

So nat'ralists observe, a flea
Hath smaller fleas that on him prey,
And these have smaller fleas that bite 'em,
And so proceed ad infinitum.

It's also reminiscent of a classic SF story by Henry Hasse, "He Who Shrank." But you gave this idea a charming, fairy-tale take that I enjoyed.

Favorite Parts
I liked the descriptions of Natasha playing in the yard while the world about her shook. These added verisimilitude to the otherwise fantastical events.

Characters
Natasha is the main character, a charming little girl and destroyer of worlds. Her parents, her brother, and the worlds she destroys are the bit players.

Plot
A day in the life of Natasha. Earthquakes shake the earth, she cleans her room, and, alas, destroys a planet of sentient beings.

Setting
Natasha's room and her backyard.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author. Thus you should avoid things that detract from the readers' active participation and pursue things that draw the reader into the story.

The main thing I'd recommend for improvement is to eliminate instances of passive voice. For example:

Your text:

It was covered with soft, pink skin all the way around,

My Comment: "was covered" is passive voice. You might consider something like:

Soft, pink skin covered it all the way around,

In media res.

It is almost always a good idea to start "in the middle of things." By showing your characters in motion, interacting with one another in word and deed, your story comes alive in your reader's imagination. I wonder if your story wouldn't be more arresting if it started with Natasha coming downstairs and finding her parents watching the television in dismay? In fact, this would be an opportunity to introduce Natasha, provide a physical description, have her and her parents and her brother speak, and so on. Right now there is no dialog in your story, and the physical descriptions are fairly sparse. I would consider adding both to better engage the readers.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with an example from your text.

Your text:

she’d nod her cute little head briskly, smiling brightly, a beam of sunshine to melt you, little dribbles of snot running from her nose.

My Comment: "nod briskly" isn't a very active image. If, however, you described her curls bouncing about her head while she nodded, you paint a more vivid picture for the reader. Similarly, "smiling brightly" isn't very active, but the metaphor that follows is wonderful, and the bit about her nose is endearing. Thus you might say here that her "smile was a beam of sunshine to melt you..."

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

was swung with great force. I

My Comment: "was swung" is passive, which places your readers in passive, receptive mode. You want your readers to be actively engaged in your story -- especially in the first paragraph.

Your text:

for she didn’t want all it’s insides to fall out.

My Comment: "It's" always means "it is." The possessive form of "its" does not have an apostrophe. This error recurs several places.

Your text:

She used it to play, to feed herself, to touch and grab things with.

My Comment: "with" is dangling and could be omitted without changing the meaning.

Your text:

There is always room for something smaller.

My Comment: Ah, well, underneath the Planck length that may, or may not, be true, depending on what theory of gravity one believes...

Your text:

without a moments pause

My Comment: typo: should be "moment's."

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

384

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2827001

Review of Finding Father

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi, this is Max again, stopping by your port. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
Wow. This is a fantastic story! It is filled with little details that pack huge emotional punch. The prose is spare and precise. This is an excellent piece of storytelling -- I am most impressed!!!

Favorite Parts
The description of the POV character entering the apartment complex and climbing the stairs was superb! It ends with this:

Adrenaline took control of my arm and I knocked more loudly than I'd meant to.

You have the perfect prelude to this insight into the character's feelings.

Other details -- trembling hands, dangling cigarettes, sounds from next door -- all contribute to the mood and theme. Your eye for detail and nuanced descriptions are compelling!

Characters
Franklin and his father. What we imagine is often so different from reality.

Plot
Franklin meets his long-absent father for the first time in his memory. Their conversation reveals so much about them both. This is an outstanding example of showing character and history through descriptions, actions and dialog!!!

Setting
The sleazy apartment building and the father's even sleazier apartment.

Dialog
Each character speaks with a distinctive voice. The dialog, both internal and between the two, is natural. You use the dialog to advance both character and plot. Outstanding!

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I guess I should say my reviews ALMOST always have suggestions for improvement. I think this story is nearly perfect, a little jewel of narrative, dialog and setting. I am most impressed -- this is by far the best thing of yours that I have read and the best thing I've read on WDC in many months.

I found just a couple of very minor things for you to think about -- but nothing that I'd really suggest changing.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

The TV was on; the sound was turned down very low,

My Comment: THe "very" stood out only because it brought to mind an anecdote from Mark Twain. He once wrote that whenever he was tempted to use the word "very" he would instead use a cuss word. His editor would then remove it and his text would look the way it should have in the first place. I'm not sure "very" is needed here.

Your text:

He sat down again, inhaled deeply on his cigarette.

My Comment: Everywhere else you have such evocative descriptions and metaphors that the "inhaled deeply" kind of limped for me. I wonder if you could do something more precise and avoid the adverb?

Your text:

"Sorry to hear that." He looked down to avoid my eyes and caught the birth certificate instead.

My Comment: The underlined part felt like a small POV violation. If you said "as if to avoid my eyes" you stay in Franklin's viewpoint.

Your text:

seemed incredibly magnified.

My Comment: This felt just a bit passive..maybe "the silence magnified the traffic sounds from down the streeet" would be a bit more active?

Your text:

He smiled cheerily.

My Comment: Another adverb -- what non-verbal cues told Franklin his smile was "cheery?"

This is the first "5" I've given on here in many months. The emotional punch in this piece, the descriptions that flood the senses, the dialog, everything really came together for me. Thanks for sharing this!!!

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

385

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2826032

Review of Driving Down the Darkness, Chapter I

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story via a link to a posting you put on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
First, let me welcome you to Writing.Com. This is a great place to learn about writing through providing and receiving reviews of your work, both fiction and poetry. I know that I have grown enormously as an author in my time here, and I've formed many valued friendships. I'm sure that you will find your time here equally beneficial!

I found much to admire in this chapter. There is a haunting mood and some wonderful descriptive phrases. There's several good hooks to keep the reader engaged and moving on to the next chapter.

Favorite Parts
Your description of the woman created a fine sense of her menace while giving an excellent picture of her appearance. As one of several nice descriptive turns, I liked:

Tight cheekbones and two menacing eyes created a stare that could scare a pack of starving winter wolves.

This one was nice too -- full of forboding:

It was like a chuckle, but too sinister to call it so. Evil doesn't chuckle.

Characters
We meet Joshua and a mysterious companion, on a desert mountaintop.

Plot
Joshua strolls the desert, contemplative and quiet. From nowhere a mysterious woman appears, seems to tempt him with power, then threatens his family, and finally pushes him over the edge of the cliff. This was vaguely reminiscent of the story in the Bible of Christ's visit to the wilderness and the temptations offered by Satan -- I don't know if you intentionally echoed that or not.

Setting
A cliff overlooking an arid desert.

Dialog
The dialog seemed natural, with each character speaking in a distinctive voice. You effectively used the dialog to advance plot and character.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author. Your prose, which is often lyrical and evocative, does much to advance this agenda. But there are several places where I felt that you fell into "telling" rather than "showing." This tends to reduce the immediacy and intimacy of the story for the readers and make them less engaged. Let me illustrate with some examples.

The most glaring example of telling is the second paragraph, in which you tell us about Josua, Sr. It's not at all clear what the reader is to do with this information at this point in the story, since it's not used elsewhere in the chapter. I'd reconsider including this now and perhaps put it in later, at the point when the reader needs to know it. Moreover, this is the kind of thing that is better revealed by putting characters in motion, through word and deed, and letting the reader infer the characteristics that you have told.

In the first paragraph you tell us Joshua is breathless, both from the view and the climb. Later you tell us that the temperature is over 100 degrees, and that's cool for the desert. Rather than TELLING us he's breathless from the climb, you might have his breath searing his throat and his legs aching from exertion. You might have sweat burning his eyes and soaking his shirt. All of these things show us it is hot and he's breathless from the climb. Then, rather than tell us the view is beautiful, perhaps his eyes might "feast" on the red and brown rocks glowing in the twilight -- show us the beauty through your descriptions and his reactions. Are there scents that he picks up -- juniper or sage or even dust? Is there gravel that crunches under his feet? Again, this is all a more active way of setting the scene that puts the reader there, alongside Joshua, by engaging as many senses as possible.

In other places you say things like "he felt" or he "he saw." This filters the sensual information through your POV character, making it less immediate and less intimate for the reader. It is usually better to describe what he felt or saw directly; the reader will infer that he saw what you have described. You can describe him reacting to what he sees, such as the sudden appearance of the woman, either by having him start in response or by describing a chill passing through his bones and out his limbs -- for example.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with an example from your text.

Your text:

He felt the desert cooling quite quickly.

My Comment: Note the "he felt." You might consider something like "the looming darkness sucked the heat from the desert." The verb "cooling" doesn't carry a vivid image; adding "quickly" improves the image some, but also slows the narative. Using a more precise verb, coupled with a metaphor, can make the image more active for the readers.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

The voice had obviously not emmenated

My Comment: typo: should be "emanated."

Your text:

Looking behind him he saw a woman, a woman who had walked unnotice, placing herself directly behind him.

My Comment: typo: should be "unnoticed." Also, note the "he saw."

Your text:

Recovering from the start and suppressing the shiver that had suddenly com over him,

My Comment: typo: should be "come."

Your text:

As he did so he got a glimpse of her appearance, which was extremely unusual for the people usually at the canyon. More unusual

My Comment: The word "unusual" is used in successive sentences. Repeating words like this tends to give your prose a monotone feel; it's better to have more varied choice.

Your text:

Even in the 100 degree weather, which was somewhat cool for a desert day. E

My Comment: This is the first of several sentence fragments. I suggest that you go back over your chapter with an eye to eliminating most, if not all, of these.

Your text:

Like snow, but without the sense of innocence.

My Comment: A nice description, but another sentence fragment...

Your text:

Each stone, one black onyx and one dark carnelian.

My Comment: ...another fragment. I'll stop pointing these out.

Your text:

Quite a thing isn't it? The power that it took to create it.

My Comment: This seemed a bit of an unusual statement -- as though a person or thing created this as opposed to geological actions. I wonder if you might set this statement up -- and make it seem a bit less abrupt -- by having Joshua muse earlier about HIS reaction to the sight of the desert. Perhaps he thinks about the vast time scales over which geological forces work?

Your text:

The best in people. Look for the best. He repeated this in his mind as it was the only thing that could let him endure the laugh that followed his statement.

My Comment: The italicized parts are again fragments, but this time they represent Josua's internal thoughts. Since people think and speak in fragments, this adds verisimilitude and cadence to the prose and are not only fine but a good thing. Since they are internal thoughts, they should be set in italics. On WDC, you would enclose them with switches {i} and {/i} to mark the start and end of the italicized portion.

Your text:

The best. The best. No chuckle. Worse.

My Comment: Once again, put this in italics to let us know this is what he's thinking. I like the short, choppy fragments here a lot -- they communicate the tension he's feeling.

Your text:

Your sould is good.

My Comment: typo: should be "soul."

Your text:

Joshua was in pain.

My Comment: We're approaching the climax of the chapter here -- I think you need a much more vivid and active description of what Joshua is feeling. Is his pain psychic or physical or both? Does it throb or bite like a knife? Make the reader feel the pain by being precise about what Joshua feels!

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

386

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2821761

Review of Platonic Whisper.

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi! Thank you for inviting me to read and critique your story. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
There's some lyrical descriptions and a haunting atmosphere to this short piece.

Favorite Parts
Your description of the body floating amidst the rocks and algae was evocative and almost lyrical in character.

Characters
We have only the musings of the POV character here.

Setting
At the beach, apparently near the POV character's home.

Dialog
All internal musings.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I confess that I find it a challenge to read such short pieces since many of the conventional elements of fiction are necessarily absent. This is flash fiction or, in a more historical context, a sketch such as those produced by Washington Irving or Anton Chekhov. Following the example of Chekhov, your story relies on descriptions of an incident in the past to produce its desired effects. This eschews explicit dramatic elements like dialog, plot and even character in favor of insinuation. As in a poem, every word must count in a nuanced way to achieve the overall effect.

In the above context, then, this is a successful piece, although I suspect many readers will find it too short and missing too many conventional story elements. Indeed, to some extent these elements are mixed in this piece -- the body in the water is a specific mystery, in particular, that is unresolved. We know this body influenced the life of the POV character because you tell us so, but we don't know why, or how the body came to be there, or what transpired after the body was found, just that it was somehow significant. All of this is related in rather detached way, which I think will detach your readers from the story and the character. I understand your POV character is detached -- but you don't want your readers to be!

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.

Your text:

For the seconds I stood, perched precariously above her haunting ground,

My Comment: "perched precariously" tells the reader about the perch. Instead, there would be visual details -- perhaps it teeters, for example, or balances on the cusp of falling -- that would show an observer that the perch was precarious. Showing in this way gives the reader a more vivid and intimate image.

COMMENT HERE

Your text:

Her non-too-elegant position quickly suggested the lifelessness

My Comment: "quickly" is not a very visceral description -- perhaps the image flashes into his vision or sears into his memory.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

The waves licked at the skin that slowly began to peek its way out from the plants that had entangled themselves around her limbs.

My Comment: I liked the lyrical feel of this description, but the sentence itself seemed a bit overlong. I wonder if you lingered a bit over each image with more active verbs and fewer gerunds if you wouldn't get a more vivid picture.

Your text:

he sick poetic beauty struck me

My Comment: the contrast between between "beauty" and the "sick poetry" of the site is a good one, but again this felt like telling us about it rather than showing us why it was at once sick and poetic and beautiful.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

387

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2821597

Review of Ursa Major

Review by

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
This is a heart-warming story of human connection on a Christmas eve. I enjoyed this a great deal and I'm glad to have read it.

Favorite Parts
I loved the metaphor of the fogged window in the van connecting with the fogged vision of the viewpoint character. Her partner shows up, clears his window and shows her how to clear hers. This is wonderful symbolism and foreshadowing of the ending as well!

Characters
Two characters, revealed in word in deed. Your nuanced dialog brought these characters to life.

Plot
The outer plot of the ride back to the shelter and the broken down van reflects perfectly the inner story of the epiphany for the point of view character.

Setting
Mostly in the van on a cold Christmas eve.

Dialog
This was quite good, with each character speaking with a distinctive voice.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I have a couple of minor suggestions for this story. First, the opening was pretty slow and it wasn't until about a third of the way through the story that I understood what the "volunteer" was doing. I wonder if it might have been better to start with the volunteer gathering up the packages and tromping off to the house, to establish what they were doing out on Christmas eve?

Secondly, the descriptions of the characters are almost nonexistent. I'd consider adding a bit -- it doesn't have to be a lot -- to let us know the age and general physical appearance of the two characters. That will help to bring them to life in the imagination of the reader. I also wonder if you might engage a few more senses -- perhaps Christmas carols playing on the radio, or the scent of cigarette smoke (or something) lingering in the van, maybe the timbre of the volunteer's voice or the scent of his cologne. A few little details like this, together with POV character's reaction to them, can help bring the scene to life and at the same time help establish character.

I liked the fact that you kept your characters nameless -- that is fitting with the theme of the piece.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.

Your text:

"Done!" he announced cheerfully a

My Comment: Here is a missed opportunity for more colorful description. There would have to be non-verbal cues that would tell the POV character that he was "cheerful" -- the lilt of his voice, a smile flashing across his face, maybe he's humming "God rest ye merry gentlemen." These nonverbal cues will show the reader that he's cheerful, while the adverb tells the reader in a rather bland way.

Your text:

She smiled at him briefly

My Comment: "Smiled briefly" is another rather colorless phrase. Given the mood, you might say a smile "shimmered" on her features for an instant to give just a bit more color to the phrase while at the same time staying with the mood. You might even juxtapose that with moonlight shimmering on melted snow puddles in the street.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

She wanted to be resigned to the trip, but with no radio to break the silence she knew conversation would be expected, and she was tired.

My Comment: "be resigned" and "be expected" are passive voice. I know you want to portray your POV character as passive, but you don't want your readers to be passive. The problem is that passive voice puts your readers in passive receptive mode when you want them to actively imagine your story along with you. Thus, I'd consider revising to active voice.

Your text:

That is so cool,

My Comment: I'd consider revising "That is" to "That's" since people speak in contractions.

Your text:

She felt her lips pinch against her teeth.

My Comment: Here, the "she felt" filters the description through her senses. If you simply say "Her lips pinched against her teeth" the image is more immediate to the reader and the reader will infer that "she felt" it.

Your text:

Nah, man, I don't mean it's glory - I just - it's the reason I'm out here

My Comment: The first "it's" should be "its." the second is correct.

Your text:

She rolled her eyes then reached for some receipts in the center of the dashboard and made a feeble attempt at the mist on her side of the front window.

My Comment: It is technically incorrect to use "then" as a conjunction -- "and then" or just "and" would be better. Also, this is a bit of a run-on sentence; you might consider breadking it at "dashboard."

Your text:

She unlocked the car and turned to say goodnight and found herself wrapped tightly in the arms

My Comment: "wrapped tightly" is another of those adverbs..."encased" might be a more precise verb that doesn't require the adverb.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

388

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2819039

Review of The Mission

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
This is an interesting tale of witchcraft and sorcery, set in New Orleans. The background of the Agency, and the spells in French added some novel ideas to the plot.

Favorite Parts
There's some nice metaphors here...for example

but the city oozed culture and ethnicity.

The "oozed" tells the reader that there is something sinister about the aura of the city.

Characters
The point of view character is the only one we really get to know. We see her in word and deed and memory as she stalks her opponents in New Orleans and then vanquishes them. The two brothers appear to establish their menace and opposition, but are not as fully drawn.

Plot
The POV is a secret agent/witch sent on a mission to destroy two renegade witches. She succeeds in her mission, but discovers a deeper truth.

Setting
New Orleans streets, then the residence of the brothers.

Dialog
A few snippets which are natural and help move along the plot and the characters.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author. There's some technical things you can do to help this along that I'll mention in the line-by-line, but there's some other structural issues I have with your story. Most of these arise from the difficulty of fitting your rich and complex background into such a short story. I think, therefore, my basic suggestion is to make this a longer story.

First, I found that the flashbacks took me out of the storyline. Flashbacks are tricky things, especially in a so short a story as this one. You used them to reveal the background of the POV character, the Agency, and her opponents. By using the flashback, these necessary revelations came across in the words and deeds of the characters rather than as "telling" which is certainly a good thing. But they also disrupted the flow of the story, which is primarily an action story. I think you might have revealed all of the necessary background with an initial segment in which the POV character gets her charge from the Agency. Of course, disadvantage to that is not starting in media res. So, making the story longer, you might begin with her on a different mission, and then return to the Agency where she gets her new charge. You could then pick up on the main story line.

The advantage of the above structural change would be that it might let you introduce some other plot elements early. For example, the initial mission might hinge on a fantoche, or involve some kind of shape-changing, so that these elements show up earlier.

Another question I have about the plot involves the crystal. Using the crystal enabled the POV character to vanquish the brothers with almost no effort. This made me wonder why the Agency didn't simply do that in the first place instead of making the treaty? Of course, the last lines to the story answer this question, but surely the POV should have thought of this before. You give a partial answer about "losing face" by using the crystal. However, she DID use it to win her battle, so why use it in the first place?

Another question involves the motivations for the Agency in their betrayal. There's plenty of foreshadowing in the story so that this betrayal wasn't a surprise, but it was wholly unmotivated. I think you could remove some of the other foreshadowing and insert some less direct hints by having the motives of the Agency be somewhat dubious. That's another advantage to starting with a different mission and having her interact with her superiors at the agency early in the story -- you can insert some doubts in the readers' minds.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs (there are over 25 in this short story), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.

Your text:

instantaneously the nearest candle to me burst

My Comment: "burst" implies that it happened "instantaneously." Thus the adverb says the same thing as the verb which both slows down the prose and, in fact, weakens the impact of your well-chosen and precise verb. Most of your adverb choices could be just eliminated for this reason.

Your text:

spoke SIlo rather aggressively.

My Comment: Here you have an imprecise verb (spoke) helped along by the adverb. It would be more vivid for the reader if you used a more precise verb, perhaps "growled" or "sneered." You could even give other non-verbal cues, such as describe his face flushing and scowl flashing across his features, to help the reader see that he's being agressive. Maybe add some action too, like pressing against her, wagging a fist, or shoving his face in hers while he speaks.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

I was not being chased anymore.

My Comment: "Being chased" is passive voice, which puts the reader in a passive, receptive mood when you want your reader to be actively imagining your story along with you. This is one of several places where I'd suggest using an active verb.

Your text:

I couldn't turn back now, I was here with The Agency.

My Comment: This is a comma split: two sentences joined with a comma when a period or semicolon would be better. There's a couple more of these, too.

Your text:

As I contemplated these thoughts in my head

My Comment: When I see a sign that says "Full Gospel Church" I always wonder if the "Partial Gospel Church" is around the corner, so I guess I'm picky about things like this. "Thoughts" always are generally in one's head, so when I read this I thought "as opposed to the thoughts in her big toe..." I'd delete the "in my head" as redundant.

Your text:

The smell wasn't too great either

My Comment: Here's a missed opportunity to describe those smells precisely and engage more senses!

Your text:

Only The Agency knew the truth behind such cultural phenomena's as voodoo,

My Comment: typo: phenomena is the plural of phenomenon, so no "s" is needed.

Your text:

a young girl being held kidnapped by some of the country's most vile witches.

My Comment: "being held" is passive voice -- another place to change to active.

Your text:

I spun my hand downward to control my spell, but the brother simply countered my spell.

My Comment: "Spell" is used twice in this sentence. Repeating words like this tends to give your prose a monotone feel and it is better use more varied word choices.

Your text:

. It seems the brothers were trying to keep

My Comment: The story is told in past tense, but "seems" is present tense.

Your text:

Milo, rather crestfallen,

My Comment: I should think so -- he just saw his brother's brutal death! This description seemed much too mild.

Your text:

Me and the poor girl rushed out of the room.

My Comment: This should be "the poor girl and I rushed..." However, this is a first person narrative and people often do speak this way. I'll just point it out in case it wasn't deliberate.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

389

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2814190

Review of An Epiphany Through Simplicity

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, this is Max. I'm one of the judges for the "Show off your Best" Contest, so I'll be reviewing your story. This review is organizing around the published judging criteria.

Personal Impressions
Dan, I enjoyed this touching story quite a lot. It had a good theme and the main character showed growth over the conflict of the story. Thank you for sharing it!

Mechanics
There's some minor technical errors here and there that I'll note in the line-by-line.

Characters
This story came alive when Terry appeared. He was a wonderful, warm character who drew out Jason and brought about his epiphany. The other characters serve as foils for the plot. I do wish that we'd had better descriptions of the appearance of most of the characters -- you did well with Doc, but I didn't have a very good picture of most of the others.

Dialog
I liked the dialog between Terry and Jason -- this is where the story started to move.

First three paragraphs
In truth, these were slow and, for me, dragged quite a bit. It seems to me that this story starts when Jason picks up Sarah for her doctor's appointment. There is much "telling" of background before this that could be revealed in the action surrounding that incident. Her reticence could contrast with his joy over his graduation, his new car, their engagement. Jason comes across as a rather shallow and self-centered jerk and showing this one-sided conversation would strengthen that image--or weaken it if you intended something else.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better. This is also not part of the scoring for the contest.

In media res.

It is almost always a good idea to start "in the middle of things." By showing your characters in motion, interacting with one another in word and deed, your story comes alive in your reader's imagination. As I noted above, I thought this story started with a lot of background and introspection. I also found the use of the short flashbacks somewhat unsettling in that it took me out of the story.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs (well, there's nearly 50 in this shot piece), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

Here's an example:

Your text:

here was just enough room to sit comfortably with his legs hanging out over the water below.

My Comment: "Sit" isn't particularly specific, so you pepped it up with "comfortably," but a more precise verb like "lounged" would have given a more vivid image.

Your text:

The Doc looked at Jason very seriously

My Comment: Here, I'd describe the nonverbal cues that informed Jason he was serious rather than telling us he was serious. That engages the readers' imaginations and helps to keep them in the story. Also, Mark Twain once said that whenever he was tempted to use the word "very" he inserted a cuss word instead. That way his editor would delete it and his text would look the way it should have in the first place. Good advice, I think.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

Jason walked throught the woods,

My Comment: typo: should be "through."

Your text:

By all rights, this should have been a good day. A fantastic day! Two days earlier,

My Comment: "day" repeats three times in two sentences. Repeating words like this tends to give your prose a monotone feel, so it is better to have more varied word choice.

Your text:

That was, however, until he had agreed to give Sarah a ride to her doctors appointment this morning.

My Comment: typo -- apostrophe missing from "doctor's." This same thing repeats several other places in the text.

Your text:

When Sarah had first asked him...

My Comment: This whole paragraph consisted of telling rather than showing.

Your text:

he always moved with a spry grace that always amazed Jason.

My Comment: "always" repeats in this sentence...

Your text:

Rising, the Doc headed back towards Sarah, leaving Jason alone to digest what he hard just learned.

My Comment: typo

Your text:

and moving as if her were in a trance, walked out of the doctor's office.

My Comment: typo

Your text:

Suddenly, he was deluged with thoughts, almost too many to handle.

My Comment: "was deluged" is passive voice, which puts your readers in passive mode. You want your readers to be actively imagining your story with you, so I'd consider changing to active voice.

Your text:

He didn't even know if he wanted kids.

My Comment: They're engaged and they haven't discussed this?

Your text:

The most he'd been able to manage was an occassional smile, or a few nice words when nobody was within hearing distance.

My Comment: typo

Your text:

Raising on hand, he waved vigoursly at Jason.

My Comment: typo. This is also another place where I'd consider revising to avoid the adverb.

Your text:

Except for my momma, nobodies ever done that for me before.

My Comment: typo -- should be "nobody's"

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

** Image ID #1343917 Unavailable **

The great Sigs in the corner of the flag were given to me by
reikidreamer (sig by kiyasama)
dusktildawn
(I did the Evil Inside one. Handwriting is mine too!)
THANKFUL SONALI Now What? (sig by Humming Bird )
Many thanks to these wonderful WDC friends!

390

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2813572

Review of Stay Inside

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I'm one of the judges for the "Show off your Best" Contest, so I'll be reviewing your story. This review is organizing around the published judging criteria.

Personal Impressions
Being something of a nerd myself, I liked this haunting story quite a lot. The suspense builds, with constant references to the dangers of going outside. The counterplot of Hansel bullying Jake fits nicely with the main plot. There was a bit of telling, but overall I thought this was an excellent tale.

Mechanics
There's several places where the possessive apostrophe is missing. For example:

Your text:

Even now, from two rows behind him, Benny could see the black bruise around Jakes left eye.

Your text:

"You're just jealous cause' you can't keep up!"

My Comment: I think this should read 'cause rather than cause' -- typo.

Your text:

Benny couldn't bare to have that taken away from him. He couldn't bare it!

My Comment: Should be "bear" as in "carry" rather than "bare" as in "expose."

Your text:

and they to were screaming and running.

My Comment: Should be "too" not "to." Same error occurs at least one other time.

Characters
The characters were strong, vivid, and believable -- this is a great strength of this story.

Dialog
I liked the use of dialog -- it revealed character and propelled the story forward. The characters also spoke with distinctive voices. There were a couple of places where contractions would have made the dialog a bit more natural.

First three paragraphs
These established the central mystery, the main character, and the setting for the story. They also provided a suitable hook. These are another strength of this story.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better. This is also not part of the scoring for the contest.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs (well, there's over 40 in his short piece), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

Most often, adverbs appear to support an imprecise verb. For example, you write "Jakes hand shook slightly ..." "Shook" isn't quite what you mean, but "trembled" might be and would give a more vivid image than "shook slightly." For another example, where you write "A short sting of pain on his arm abruptly broke Benny's focus on the clock." you might consider instead "snapped" or "shattered" instead of "abruptly broke."

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

Behind them, the screams of laughter and joy from the other children were left behind.

My Comment: "were left behind" is passive voice.

Your text:

He looked up, taking in the clear blue sky. It was a beautiful day. Not a single cloud ruined the blue portrait of the world above.

My Comment:"blue" repeats in these sentences, which tends to give your prose a monotone feeling.

Your text:

Benny felt his feet on the steps now,

My Comment: It would be stronger to say something like "Benny's feet stumbled over the steps" rather than say "he felt" which filters the sensation through your character and makes it less vivid for the reader.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

** Image ID #1343917 Unavailable **

The great Sigs in the corner of the flag were given to me by
reikidreamer (sig by kiyasama)
dusktildawn
(I did the Evil Inside one. Handwriting is mine too!)
THANKFUL SONALI Now What? (sig by Humming Bird )
Many thanks to these wonderful WDC friends!

391

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2811653

Review of Reflector.

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
I am always drawn to stories described as "scary" and I'm glad I read this one. There is a haunting feel to the narrator as he descends into psychosis. Your protrayal of his dissociation is quite remarkable. Thanks for sharing this piece!

Favorite Parts
I confess, I was at first a bit put off by the first person present narrative, but by the end of the piece I agree wholly with this choice. It works quite well, especially in portraying the narrator's dissociation from reality. Great job!

Characters
The narrator perceives himself from the outside looking in, so we get a unique viewpoint of what is happening. The other characters do the same, with a certain unreality and distance to their actions.

Plot
This is about one person's descent to a dissociative episode and -- apparently -- catatonia. The plot follows along, exposing the inner workings and perceptions of the narrator.

Setting
Several settings -- his home, the street, the hospital.

Dialog
This is mostly inner dialog, with the workings of the narrator's mind disjointed like his psyche.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author.

This story does a good job of getting us inside the narrator's head with the inner dialog and externalized perceptions. However, I think that the story would be helped along with more descriptions and engaging more senses. For example, the narrator is largely a disembodied voice -- except for his head huddling in his neck (a description that doesn't quite make sense to me) we don't know his age, what he looks like, or other things about his physical appearance.

I also thought much of the first three paragraphs consisted of telling rather than showing. The description of the apartment was great -- the little details there did much to expose character, letting the reader infer his loneliness and disconnection. I think the earlier paragraphs might be stronger if you related incidents from his day that illustrated his lack of connection to the world around him. Putting your character in motion, in word and deed, to show rather than tell his character traits makes the story more vivid and real to your readers.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.

Your text:

Striding purposely towards my destination.

My Comment: I would consider giving a description of how the narrator is striding that lets the reader infer he is "purposeful." For example, the narrator might be looking neither left nor right, or his eyes might be focused on his feet, or he might plow the through the crowd on the sidewalk, not giving way to passersby. All of these are nonverbal cues that he is purposeful.

Your text:

Suddenly there was some commotion,

My Comment: First, I'd consider describing the commotion directly so that it is specific in the mind's eye of the reader. The narrator's reaction -- and the reaction of others around him -- can let the reader infer that the commotion was "sudden."

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

I have very few needs, they are; food, clothes and job.

My Comment: Typo: should be a colon after "they are." Also, this is a pretty slow opening. It's a good idea to start in media res, in the middle of some action or scene.

Your text:

I don't like to be in a crowded place, feel very suffocated.

My Comment: Mark Twain once said that every time he was tempted to use the word "very" he substituted instead a cuss word. Then his editor would delete it, and his prose would look they way it should have in the first place. That's good advice -- I'd drop the word "very."

Your text:

You know people at work place, neighbors in the building, cashier at supermarket, to name a few. I absolutely hate it.

My Comment: I think you need "the" before "workplace," which is one word. There's several places where you omitted articles like "the" and "a" or "an." I couldn't decide if this was deliberate or a typo, but it was distracting so I consider at least reducing the number of these.

Your text:

My pillow and mattresses are totally drenched by my sweat.

My Comment: This is passive voice, and "totally" is another example of a weak adverb. You might consider active voice and perhaps adding some description on who the wet betting felt rather than use "totally." For example:

My sweat drenches the pillow and mattresses which cling with cold persistent to my body.

Your text:

I went to the window to check the time,

My Comment: Almost all of this is first person present, but here you've slipped into past tense.

Your text:

my head was forced to look up at the view.

My Comment: another instance of passive voice.

Your text:

The doctor stretches his hand and puts his finger under that mans chin and raises his head.

My Comment: typo: should be "man's chin" -- missing apostrophe.

Your text:

Two bleak eyes look at him and then suddenly the patients expression changes,

My Comment: typo: should be "patient's expression" -- missing apostrophe. Also, you might consider saying something like "terror flashed in the patient's eyes" rather than "suddenly" his expression changed.

Your text:

Wondering about the alarm

My Comment: The most effective thing about this piece is that we are in the narrator's head throughout. But here, you switched to the doctor's point of view. I think this piece would be stronger if you either omitted this section or told it from the patient's point of view.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

392

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2807797

Review of Alison's Find

Review by

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
Ben, I love stories with twists at the end, and this one has a doozy!!! This reminded me of some of the old Lewis Padgett stories from the 1950's in style and theme. I really enjoyed this quite a lot.

Favorite Parts
This is a great opening:

The box looked out of place, wedged in a rocky outcropping amongst the windswept dune grass. Alison didn't notice it at first, and even when she did, she was too busy pretending to be a seagull to stop and investigate.

You establish the mystery of the box and hook the reader and also establish your main character, including her age and imaginative character. Great job!

Characters
Alison is, of course, the main charcter. She is revealed almost entirely through her actions and the occasional internal thought. She is a completely believable and endearing child, full of curiosity and a child's strange combination of perseverance and short attention span.

Plot
Alison solves the mystery of the box, with unintended consequences.

Setting
the beach.

Dialog
Except for the last paragraph, there is none. But then, she's alone on the beach.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

This is quite well done. Short and to the point, with not a word wasted. I have just some minor points.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with an example from your text.

Your text:

Alison looked more closely at the markings.

My Comment: Here I'd consider a more precise verb choice, perhaps "peered."

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

Her eye was caught again by the odd box stuck precariously but firmly in the rocks l

My Comment: "was caught" is passive voice, which puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to actively imagine your story along with you. Thus, I'd consider changing to active voice. I'd also consider trying to eliminate the adverbs by describing more precisely why an observer would think the box was "precariously" stuck on the rocks. "Stuck" seems to imply "firmly," so I'm not sure that adverb is needed.

Your text:

She traced the markings gently with her finger, following the pattern of marks, and was surprised to see the handle move slightly. She tried to turn the handle, which moved slightly this time, and as it did, three notes sounded from inside the box.

My Comment: Several things here. First, the words "markings" and "marks" repeat; repeating words like this tends to give your prose a monotone feel, so I'd consider varying the word choice. Similarly, "handle" repeats. "Traced gently" and "moved slighly" are another of those adverb pairings where a more precise description would give a more vivid image. I'm sure you can do better than what I spent 30 seconds writing below, but here's an example:

She traced the markings and the patterns tickled her fingertips. Her eyes grew wide in wonder when the handle, so solid before, now turned the tiniest bit, as if it were alive. She reached out and gripped it, and this time it moved when she twisted! From deep within the box, three notes sounded in response.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

393

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2807305

Review of An Officers Story

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
Tom, this is a good piece of narrative. You have a fine eye for detail and for characterization. I see a lot of potential in your prose -- I'm amazed that you say you failed high school English. I can see evidence of your time writing for newspapers.

Favorite Parts
There are many examples of your prose capturing detail and action in words. Here's one of my favorites:

The men stood as still as possible in front of the enemy although not far away four cannons belched smoke, fie and death at them. Every now and then one of the cannonballs would create a small hole in the ranks of the British soldiers, a hole of torn bodies and blood which was soon filled in by sergeants in the rear rank.

There's others as well -- lots of good, active prose here.

Characters
Andrews is the most important character here -- one who understands his men and the leveling impact of warfare.

Plot
You do a good job of describe the lines in a battle in the Napoleonic wars. Your focus is on the events and soldiers at the front line, not on grand strategies or political consequences.

Setting
Battlefield

Dialog
This mostly consisted of shouted commands and encouragement during the battle -- effective and appropriate.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Tom, this is a good story with a strong theme, but I do have some suggestions. We don't really learn a great deal about Andrews or his relationship with his men except through your telling us about these things. It is always more effective to show, by putting your characters in motion and having them speak to one another, than tell. Thus, I'd suggest expanding this story and perhaps starting with the night before the battle, showing the tension build and the close relationship between Andrews and his command. That makes the ending more powerful, since it would make Andrews a more fully rounded character.

I think your battle descriptions are strong, but I'd add more about the sounds and smells of the battle to go with the visuals. Engaging more senses helps your readers imagine your story along with you.

There's also a number of grammatical errors that I'll note in the line-by-line comments. These are relatively minor things that are readily fixed. The great strength of your story is your eye for detail and choosing strong, vivid prose to describe it.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

Their bayonets glistening in the sun.

My Comment: While a great, vivid image, this is a sentence fragment. You seem to do this several times, using the gerund form of the ver (the "ing") rather than the active form of the verb. It would be better to write:

Their bayonets glistened in the sun.

Your text:

The finest fighting force Napoleon could form.

My Comment: This is another fragment. In this case, I'd join it to the previous sentence with a comma.

Your text:

Upon closer inspection the men’s uniforms were a patchwork of different shades of red.

My Comment: You need a comma after "inspection."

Your text:

Most were a mud stained and patched after a long campaign. Most of the men had the start of full beards and some were missing their shako caps. Their pants were mostly grey some were white and yet some were ripped and patched with various shades of grey.

My Comment: "most" or "mostly" appears in each of these sentences. Repeated words like this tend to give your prose a monotone feel and it is better to vary your word choice.

Your text:

Due to all of this personal attention Andrews knew none of his men would run away in the coming battle they loved him as much as he loved them.

My Comment: Here you have two sentences, the first ending with the word "battle." You could end with a period or semicolon.

Your text:

Firing at the French line as the went.

My Comment: should be "they." Also, this is another fragment; I'd join it to the previous sentence.

Your text:

Their drums beating out a steady rhythm.

My Comment: ...another fragment...

Your text:

Threw the smoke Andrews saw a group of French soldiers trying to surrender

My Comment: typo -- should be "through."

Your text:

Things turned to slow motion for the colonel, he saw the young soldier eye’s as big as saucers and the white muddy finger slowly squeeze thee trigger he saw the flash as the trigger hit the striker on the musket and the cloud of smoke from the muskets barrel as the musket fired.

My Comment: Your images here are wonderful, but your sentence is run-on. Tnis is at least three sentences.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

394

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2806982

Review of Fairy Tales

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi! Thank you for inviting me to read and critique your story. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
Wendy, thank you for asking me to read this charming little fairy tale. It was great fun!

Favorite Parts

It's quite difficult to write with a child's voice without becoming redundant. You did a good job with this piece, varying sentence length and word usage without falling of a child's point of view. There's a couple places where the word choice or sentence structure seemed a bit mature for a four-year-old, but certainly not enough to suspend belief.

Characters
Mostly this about Stefany and her adventures in the woods. Her fairy friends flit across her awareness, but we don't really see enough of them for them to come alive as characters; rather they are player's in a child's world, where everything has a certain novel magic to it.

Plot
Well, I confess I would have liked a bit more plot here -- see below.

Setting
The backyard and fairyland.

Dialog
Sparse but adequate.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

It seems to me that a fairy tale should tell us something about the world in which we live, whether the tale is directed at a child or an adult or both. This is a charming enough story, and the moral of keeping innocence as one grows older is important, but I think it would be stronger if it resonated better with events earlier in the story.

For example, you might have a scene in which the Mother reads a fairy tale to her daughter and the daughter believes, but the Mother, world-weary, doesn't. Doubtless you could think of a better incident to show the theme early in the story, to contrast Stefany's resolution at the end.

To some extent you do this in the paragraph starting with "Mom and I went into the house to have lunch." However, you tell the Mother's reaction rather than showing it -- this would be much stronger, and emphasize the theme better, if this scene played out with dialog, so you are showing rather than telling.

I also wish there'd been a bit more description of what the fairies and their world was like. There's a bit of visual description, but I'm thinking the scents would have been different. What did it feel like to be carried in a fairy's arms? What did the breezes feel like? Similarly, we don't get a lot about what the fairy food tasted like. Saturate the reader with sensory information!

Overall, I think this is a charming story and well written too. I'd suggest some modest revision to add more dialog and more showing rather than telling.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

And I would like to tell you about my new friends.

My Comment: There are a lot of sentence fragments in this piece. I know your are emulating a child's voice, making fragments a natural part of her speech patterns. Still, by the ending I was finding them distracting. I'd consider cutting a few of them out.

Your text:

It is where they stop to rest when they are out hunting or gathering and they need a break.

My Comment: This is written as a first person narrative (hence sentence fragments are OK), but that also means you should use contractions. Thus here, and several later places, I'd consider using "It's" as opposed to "It is."

Your text:

I forgot all about being scared.

My Comment: This sentence implied to me that she was scared and now has forgotten about it, but there is no earlier indication of fear.

Your text:

I said I probably shouldn’t cause my mom might get mad.

My Comment: Earlier you wrote "cuz" instead of "cause" -- I'd be consistent. In either case, I'd write 'cuz or 'cause with a leading apostrophe to help the reader catch that this is short for "because."

Your text:

I wanted to so bad that it was easy for Sherzan to talk me into it.

My Comment: Initially I thought the word "go" was omitted between "to" and "so." I see now that the action is implied by the previous paragraph. However, since the antecedent action is in a prior paragraph, I'd still consider writing "I wanted to go so bad..."

Your text:

I closed my eyes both times, as it was quit frightening.

My Comment: typo -- should be "quite" frightening.

Your text:

He said that because he was by himself he didn’t want to go to far into the yard.

My Comment: typo: should be "too."

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

395

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2806823

Review of Jack Thompson's Battle

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your essay on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
This was an interesting and informative essay about someone who was previously unknown to me. I am quite sympathetic with the viewpoints that you expressed regarding this individual and his actions, and you arguments were convincing.

To lend some perspective to my comments below, I consider myself to be progressive politically and a stalwart defender of free expression. I also teach college-level statistics, so I am fully aware of the correlation vs. causation fallacies that one so often sees in the popular press. Finally, I'm gay, so your references to Mr. Thompson's homophobia certainly didn't generate any sympathy for him on my part.

With that perspective, there are some things that I think you could do to make this a more persuasive piece.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Let me start with the correlation-is-causation fallacy that seems central to Mr. Thompson's arguments. While you give an example, it is not the most persuasive possible. Perhaps a more compelling example is that there is a high correlation between the sun rising in the morning and an increase in temperature. No one would argue that the increase in temperature caused the sun to rise! This points out that even when there IS a cause/effect relationship, correlations alone cannot reveal which direction the arrow points.

More telling, however, might be data from ice cream sales at Coney Island, which are highly correlated with deaths by drowning on the beach. Now this COULD imply that eating sinful ice cream caused cramps and hence deaths by drowning and, hence, that ice cream sales should be banned. Contrariwise, it could be that people are so upset when they see someone drown, they eat ice cream to make themselves feel better. Of course, both of these cause/effect hypotheses are nonsense. The cross-correlate of temperature increases the number of people at the beach and hence increases both sales and deaths by drowning. This example shows the futility of using correlations alone to formulate public policy. Note, though, that if ice cream sales are up it would be prudent to increase the number of lifeguards!

In the particular case of video games and social violence, I haven't looked at any of the studies, but I have a strong suspicion that they are biased. It may be the case that a high percentage of juvenile criminals play violent video games. In the first place, the definition of "violent" is highly subjective and, in a proper study, would be subject to a precise definition. Was that done, or did the "researchers" just use ad hoc criteria? In addition, was there a control group (non-violent watchers of violent video games) so that a factor analysis could be done to see if, for example, cross-correlates were at play? All too often, these studies start out with the conclusion then gather biased data, with biased analysis, to obtain biased and unscientific conclusions. I don't know that has happened in this case, but given the source I'd be highly suspicious. Thus, I'd suggest looking at Mr. Thompson's supporting evidence and studies rather than taking his "correlations" at face value.

You indicate that he claims to be supporting "free speech" while trampling on it. By what twisted logic does he do this? I think this essay would be stronger with more direct quotes from Mr. Thompson, followed by logical rebuttals. To be sure, a court brief decorated with swastikas is pretty bizarre, but the rationale for why suppressing free speech is supporting it would be interesting. Or, perhaps, is he supporting "first amendment rights," which include freedom of religion? I have frequently seen seen right-wing activists claim that any public expression that disagrees with their religious views violates their "freedom of religion" -- apparently in the incorrect belief that "freedom of religion" includes the right to suppress opposing points of view.

In any case, I think that including more quotes from Mr. Thompson, along with your refuting arguments, would make this stronger.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

And Florida Attorney Jack Thompson is finding that out the hard way.

My Comment: I would delete the "and" from this sentence, or connect it to the preceding sentence with a comma.

Your text:

What makes this man such a strange entity, is that he claims to be a stalwart defender of the first amendment,

My Comment: Comma after "entity" is not needed.

Your text:

He touts that the connection between violence in video games and school shootings is fact,

My Comment: I think this should read "he touts AS fact" rather than "IS fact."

Your text:

Unable to understand that people are intelligent, and that they can tell the difference between fiction and the real world, he has embarked on a lonely journey to eradicate the world of violence in media.

My Comment: So, then, any reference to the crucifixion in media (such as on Sunday morning televised religious programming) should be banned, right? That's a pretty violent and horrible thing to routinely portray for children.

Your text:

Thompson submitted homosexual pornography to the court,

My Comment: Well, to be fair, he can't take this matter to court without submitting evidence, right? This seemed a bit of a stretch to me. More interesting is the question of why he was looking at this in the first place.

Your text:

What he can not seem to understand is that he is not being disbarred for fighting against violent video games, he is being disbarred for his detestable methods of doing so.

My Comment: I'd delete "of doing so" as clutter.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your essay Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

396

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2797530

Review of Shades of Grey

Review by

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi! Thank you for inviting me to read and critique your story. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
Midnight, I really enjoyed this story. Indeed, I'm amazed that this is your first story -- and that you are only 13! This story shows remarkable sensitivity to character and an excellent eye for detail. I hope that you continue writing as this piece shows that you have enormous promise as an author.

Favorite Parts
The dialog was very well done throughout. It had a nuanced tone, was realistic, and gave insight to character. You also inserted bits of physical description into dialog tags and other parts of the narrative to help bring your characters to life without being intrusive in your descriptions. You did a good job of revealing character and plot by putting your characters in motion and showing them speaking. Overall, this is a fine example of vivid, dynamic prose.

Characters
Olivia is the main character here. Her non-conformist nature is revealed in the very first sentence with her purple bangs. Her affection for her "stupid boyfriend" changes to outraged defense in light of the heartless words of his assailant. Later, her own words bend back on her as she hurts Lee with her honesty. She regrets the hurt -- but not the honesty -- and reaches out to him.

Plot
Despite the fact that this story starts with a fist fight, most of the action involves the character development shown by Olivia and Lee, and the growth in their relationship.

Setting
Schoolyard, Olivia's home, Lee's room, the lake. These settings were all pretty sketchy--but you mentioned you had a page limit.

Dialog
See above -- you have a good ear for natural dialog, and, by putting your characters in motion speaking to one another, you did a great job of revealing character traits without falling into "telling."

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author. For the most part, you did a good job of this. In fact, given that this is your first short story, you did an incredible job! There's some minor things that can help your prose be more active, though.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs (there's over 20 in this short piece), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.

Your text:

"Yeah, well, that rule was Mom's idea," Lee said softly.

My Comment: Sometimes adverbs are a shortcut when a more precise verb choice would give a more vivid image. Here, you might consider "murmured" or "whispered" instead of "said softly."

Your text:

Lee's punch hit him solidly in the face and sent him reeling backwards.

My Comment: In this case, there are other sensory clues that would tell the observer that the punch was "solid." The fact that it sent him "reeling backwards" is surely one, but the sound of the blow might be another. Perhaps his head jerked and his hair flew in disarray, or blood splattered. By putting more sensory information in the description, the scene becomes more alive for the reader. The "solidly" is thus rather passive.

As I mentioned above, the physical descriptions were all a bit sparse. There's a bit of description of the characters -- purple hair, dark skin, lanky -- but I'd like to see more. I'd also like more information about the physical settings. Most especially as they sit together on the lake and kiss, I'd like to have a lot more descriptions -- perhaps his scent, or the smell of the woods, and warmth of his body against hers. That kiss is the punchline of hte story that solidifies the character growth for both of them, so it deserves more attention.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

When she finally spoke, Olivia saw worry etched all over her freckled face.

My Comment: This is a good image, but your reader is seeing it trhough Olivia's eyes when you say "Olivia saw..." It is usually better to just describe things directly rather than filter them through the senses of a character. The reader can infer that Olivia sees what you describe. Thus here, I'd worry was etched on her freckled face.

Your text:

When her opened the window, she climbed inside and gave him a quick, chaste kiss.

My Comment: typo: I think you meant "he opened the window..."

Your text:

Well, if you can that to me again after your mom dies, then maybe I'll give you some credit.

My Comment: This sentence was a bit awkward -- I had to read twice to catch the meaning. I'd consider revising for clarity.

Your text:

Closing the gap, they shared a kiss so sweet it was rivaled only by their very first.

My Comment: "was rivaled" is passive voice. Passive voice puts the reader in a passive mood, when you want them actively engaged in your story. I'd consider re-wording to use the active verb form.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

397

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2775757

Review of First Snow

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "the review a newbie" page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
Robert,
First, welcome to WDC! I hope that you find this place to be as valuable and helpful as I have. I have grown enormously as an author here, due to the helpful folks who have stopped by to read and critique my works.

I predict a great future for you here! This story is marvelous, full of lyrical prose and great images. I woke this morning determined to find something to review. I probably opened a dozen stories and just couldn't bring myself to finish any of them, and then I found yours. Your prose enraptured me from the very first sentence, drawing me into your story and compelling me to finish. This is one of the best "newbie" stories I've ever read on here, but then you must be an experienced author to produce such evanescent sentences.

Favorite Parts
Almost every sentence deserves to be quoted here. Let me just give a couple of samples.

Passing under the arch that leads to the modest kitchen her nose grabs memories lingering in the air.

How wonderful this is! She doesn't just "smell" things that trigger memories -- her nose "grabs memories!"

Another marvelous metaphor:

The eyes there burned within themselves wild with a thousand bonfires.

There's so much more to like here -- the writing is beautiful!

Characters
We meet the Earth Goddess (Frigg? Freya?) and her offspring. There are, of course, a multitude of possible literary references here, not only to Norse and Germanic legend but even to Beowulf and Grendel's mother. However, you have drawn these mythic characters in a modern setting and done so in a novel and intriguing way.

Plot
This is a fable of "what autumn could be" -- of death and rebirth.

Setting
A kitchen in a modern day home, late at night.

Dialog
Between Mother and Son (maybe also her brother if you are following the Frigg legend...). This was quite good, including rather archaic expressions to help set the mythic tone.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.

Your text:

The visage screamed itself aware to her eyes making her blink rapidly.

My Comment: The adverb in this sentence really stood out, since the rest of the prose is so vivid and innovative. I'd consider using metaphor or simile here as you do so masterfully elsewhere to give a more active image.

Your text:

She carefully fits some of the larger shards of broken ice together to try and see his face one last time.

My Comment: This is another case where the adverb stands out in contrast with the rest of the prose. I'd consider giving the nonverbal cues that let the reader infer she is being careful. You don't need an example -- you are a master at this already!

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance. This is clean copy with only a couple of minor things I'd consider doing differently.

Your text:

She peers through half closed eyes still forgetting their momentos of death.

My Comment: typo -- should be mementos.

Your text:

Her brain is still too numb to recognize.

My Comment: This is an incomplete sentence -- recognize what? Sometimes this device works -- a fragment appears later, for example -- but here it seemed to disrupt the flow.

Your text:

It is still dark, very dark.

My Comment: This seemed like another place where you let a weak description slip in amongst the rest. Mark Twain once suggested to beginning authors that they use the word "damned" every time they were tempted to write "very." Then the editor would delete the word, and the copy would look the way it should have in the first place. Good advice, I think.

Your text:

"It's never time is it mother."

My Comment: Should end with a question mark. Also, I think you need a comma after "time."

Your text:

The leaves became a mad breeze creaking with stretching timber.

My Comment: I think you meant "timbre." Of course, you might also have intended a little play on words...

Your text:

The breezes that had been lilting were now gathering strength.

My Comment: I'd consider "now gathered strength" for a somewhat more active image. The various forms of the verb "to be" creep into everyone's prose from time to time and often just slow the pace and make the sentence less active.

Your text:

The inevitable outcome of a world baptized in white.

My Comment: This is a sentence fragment too, but this time it seemed to fit with the flow. However, I think most editors will object and want it changed.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

398

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2761750

Review of The Unleashing Part 1 chpt II

Review by

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi! Thank you for inviting me to read and critique your story. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
John, this is another installment of the fantasy, swords and sorcerers story that I reviewed earlier this week. You continue to have many good, vivid images and and well-thought-out and a detailed world. I'm attracted to dark stories in which the characters have unseemly histories and unsavory habits. This story has all of those features and, I think, holds promise.

Favorite Parts
Once again, you do well in setting a dark, threatening mood for your story. The past haunts your characters and drives their actions, and this comes through clearly.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

John, first, thank you for the confidence you have shown by sending me two stories in less than a week to read and review. Based on what I've seen, I'm going to suggest that you make a concerted effort to proof-read your stories better. When you view a story in your portfolio, WDC provides a "spelling" check, for example, that would help to remove some of the mis-spelled words. Also, I'm finding a lot of sentence fragments and some other grammatical problems that will interfere with your readers' ability to enjoy your story.

I'm going to depart from my usual practice, and provide you with a detailed proof-reading and line-edit of your story. I'm doing this to give you a sense of how you might read your prose with a critical eye, looking to eliminate errors and make your sentences stronger and more vivid. Every author gets enmeshed in their story and makes simple mistakes in their enthusiasm to move the story forward. First drafts are always full of annoying little errors, and so authors are always going back and editing and revising their works. With this review, I'm trying to give you the kind of critical line-by-line view that I'd do in one of my own stories. Thus, I'm going to quote your entire story below. I will highlight in red those parts of your story that I think need attention, and will insert my comments in blue. I hope that his will help you develop improved proof-reading habits and so make your stories stronger.
************************

Chapter II.
THE DROW

It was more of a camp than anything else. Noted the cloaked figure.this is a fragment His stare was cold and frightful. Rumors have it that he could kill you with a look. His cleric's robes were white, but in the moon light, of this night they looked more like blood. I don't see how moonlight can change white robes to blood red.
" Is this the mighty village of Gorlan? " he said to himself as he rode into town.
The cleric chanted a prayer to his god. For the power of unblessing to be invoked on the camp. .this is a fragment So he can enter this holy place. .this is a fragment He felt the power come over him, he chanted some more words and started to transform his body into a older male human. this is a comma split; there should be a period or semi-colon after "him." If anyone found out that he was a dark elf and not a man, COMMA the temple elders would kill him and no one would follow him.
He was here for a reason, and no one could stop him. He climbed down from his horse and walked in to the town hall. Upon entering he was greeted passive voice by another white robed man.
" Is everything ready," he asked the figure in front of him. Should be a question mark after "ready."
" Yes, my lord, Seth " the young acolyte lied, COMMA avoiding the older man's stare.
" Don't disapoint me. Because if you do -- "
" No, my lord I will not." the young man said, COMMA falling to his knees.
The cleric turned around, COMMA went back outside and rode out of the village. He wasI'd omit the "was." headed toward his destiney. typo: destiny
The acolyte watched him ride out of town and went back to work, not noticing the figures in the shadows watching the cleric leave [c:red}aswell. typo: missing space, should be "as well."

Behind him, COMMA two asassains from the capital city of Drakonal followed closely always staying in the shadows. One of the asassains was a half-orc, COMMA a very high ranking mercenery and asassain in the guild, COMMA and the other a human battle mage. The pair had worked together typo: together before, but not like this. This time it would be different. This was no normal cotracttypo: should be "contract." killing, the guild master had told them. They would have to retreive typo: should be retrieve an enchanted book from a cleric of the temple of Drakar. The guild master didn't give them totype: should be "too." much information. All they knew was that his name was Seth and that he would be here on this night.
" Do you think he has it?" said the half-orc.
" He must have it. I casted should be "cast." a detect magic spell on him and he glows of magic. He must have it I tell you." "magic" is repeated -- this makes your prose have a monotone feel. I'd consider varying the word choice.
" If he does have it. We will have to fight him for it."
" No, we will have to kill him." said the mage.
" Now?" the half-orc said reaching for his throwing dagger.
" No, not in town on the trail. When he is dead, then and only then we will be able to get the book."

The wind howled across the valley of the walking dead. Nice image. Thats what the elders had called it, the tall slendered I think you mean "slenderly." built dark elf recalled. It struck him as a Should be "an} odd name for a place. But looking at the place now. Fragment - join with next sentence with a comma between He could see why it was called that. The place was dry and all the grass was dead. The trees looked like petrafide should be petrified stone. He didn't care what it looked like, he had to come. He had to be here at this place, at this time. He looked up at the moon to his left and then the one to his right. He was in the right spot. This was the place where they bound and banished the evil god. He smiled and climbed down from his dark black horse. His white cleric robes blowing in the breeze. another fragment...I'd end the previous sentence with a comma and join this one to it. He hated white, but he had to wear this color. Because the robes of the order Drakar were white and he belonged to a part of that order. this is a fragment. But in his heart and mind, he worshiped a different god. He belonged to the order of Dragnor. They worshped should be worshiped death. The dark elf who was kwown should be known as Seth started to chant and sing the song of Dragnor. This was the night that his god would return, and destroy the world of man. He had done everything that his god had told him to do.

The asassins watched Should be assassins and waited for the the white robed figure to bring out the book. If they failed to reacover should be recover the book, it would be the end of world.

++++++++ ++++++++ ++++++++

Dragnor was a great black dragon, COMMA the ruler of the underworld. The place of darkness and death. another fragment...I'd end the previous sentence with a comma and join this one to it. He was banished passive voice; I'd consider changing to active. there by his brother Drakar, the golden dragon of legend. For trying to destroy mankind. another fragment; I'd consider joining to previous sentence. No comma is needed this time. Dragnor had united all evil against his brother. The epic battle lasted for years, the war almost destroyed mankind. In the end man survived and with the help of Drakar they banished the evil god. Dragnor swore that his brother and mankind would pay for what they had done. A century had passed and his time has come. This was the night of His uprising, His return to power. He could taste it now, the better sweet taste of vengence.
The above paragraph is all "telling." While it is good that you have this detailed history in your mind as you write, it is always better to reveal things like this through the words and actions of your characters, and at the time that the reader needs to know it.
Dragnor started to laugh, when he did it came out as a spine splitting growl. This is a comma split; I'd consider putting either a period or a semicolon after "laugh." His big black scaley chest heaved up and down as smoke and mucus came from His nosterals. Should be "nostrils." Also, "came" is pretty passive, given the image. I'd consider a more active verb, say "spewed." The mucus hit the ground in front of him and started to melt the stone floor. His laughter got louder and louder as he thought of what he was going to do. He would start with humans. He hated man, he despised them.
Dragnor scratched his head with his long webbed fingers with nails like razors. As he scratched old scales came of his head. He started to stretch out his body. His long tail, whipped all about the room, as he started "started" is repeated. to change. The ruler of the underworld, he had to become human, COMMA the very thing that he despised. As he looked at himself, in the enchanted looking glass. Another fragment that should be jointed with the next sentence. That he used to communicate with Seth, one of the clerics of Drakar. He had to keep up this ghastley should be ghastly shell of a body. If he didn't and he let them see his true form they would never release him from his prison. He heard Phrases like "he heard" make the description that follows less immediate and intimate for the readers, so I'd consider just describing the voice directly. a voice from the world above call out to him. It was time and his followers from the dark part of the order of Drakar would release him soon. He heard the skinny dark elf's voice again. He was chanting louder now.
Dragnor could see Seth in the enchanted glass, chanting loudly and with fervor. He was wearing the disguting should be disgusting white robes of the temple. That would have to change, the underworld god thought to himself. His followers would have to start wearing black. He loved the color of black, it reminded him of death. The voice of the dark cleric came into his mind again and shatterd should be shattered his train of thought. He could feel the chains of his imortal should be immortal prison starting to loosen. It will happen soon, he told himself. The dark ruler looked back at the mirror, and he saw the priest looking back at him in his own enchanted looking glass.
************************

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

399

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2761208

Review of Parasite

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi! Thank you for inviting me to read and critique your story. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
Lindsay, This is a haunting story about depression turning to psychosis. It reminded me of a similar story by Ray Bradbury, except in that story the infant supposedly killed its parents. This is an important story with an important message. Your narrative strategy of alternating POV's is effective and fitting for this story.

Favorite Parts
The differences between Kayla's and Jayden's perceptions are telling. Jayden looks at his wife and sees bliss

Leaning over the baby against a background of Winnie the Pooh wallpaper, the late afternoon sun streaming in through the small window, she seems almost to glow.

...while Kayla sees a parasite sucking her life away.

It sucks on my breast, needs me to clean up after its bowel movements, and gives me a headache with its screaming.

Characters
Kayla and Jayden, in alternating POV

Plot
Kayla descends to psychosis, then flees.

Setting
Their apartment

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author.

Paradoxically, 1st person narration in a story tends to distance readers from the story rather than engage them. In this form, the narrator generally "tells" the story, whereas in the more common 3rd person limited, the narrator "shows" the story by depicting the characters in action, in word and deed. This can happen in 1st person, but it is much more difficult to do. Thus, while I like the alternating POV that you have used in this story, I think it would be stronger to depict each POV in 3rd person limited.

Another challenge of 1st person narration is that it is more difficult to insert descriptions. Jayden gives a description of Kayla in your story, but we never really get a description of Jayden, nor of the apartment in which they live. So, another suggestion for this story is to add more descriptions of settings and character. Further, I'd suggest invoking more senses. For example, as I recall infants can be a bit odoriferous, yet you never mention scent.

On a more technical note, from your story I'd have to say that Kayla is suffering from psychosis rather than depression since she sees Blake as a parasite and an infection. Depression is a serious illness in which the person shows symptoms such as sadness, lack of energy, trouble concentrating, anxiety, and feelings of guilt and worthlessness. Kayla didn't really exhibit most of these, at least as you narrated them. If you wanted to show her in depression, I'd recommend narrating specific incidents in which she exhibits these symptoms and let the reader infer, from what she says and does, that she is depressed.

Psychosis is also serious, and much more rare. Symptoms may include delusions, hallucinations, sleep disturbances, and obsessive thoughts about the baby. There may also be rapid mood swings, from depression to irritability to euphoria. Kayla seems to exhibit some of these symptoms -- especially the obsessive thoughts about the baby. In any case, I'd give the same advice, that you show her exhibiting these symptoms through putting her in specific situations and showing her reactions.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.

Your text:

There was only ten minutes left of class and I could have used a distraction, so I quickly grabbed my bag and snuck out the back door of the lecture hall and outside into the blinding sun.

My Comment: Using "quickly" with "grabbed" is almost redundant -- you could just eliminate the adverb, which slows the narrative, and have a good, active image. If you wanted a stronger image, you might say "snatched." But you don't need the adverb.

Your text:

So I shook my head vehemently

My Comment: Here's an example of how first person narration is limiting. If this were told in 3rd person limited, the narrator cold describe how her eyes snapped, how she scowled, and maybe how her hair tossed as she spoke. Any or all of these things would give a more active image and let the reader infer she was vehement, instead of telling.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your copy is quite clean and I don't have many comments here.

Your text:

I never would have imagined that my life at age eighteen would consist of dirty diapers,

My Comment: I was a bit confused by the age in this story. Kayla was "pre-med"and thought she was going to be an intern after graduation, yet here it sounds like they just graduated from high school. From the job that Jayden got, and from Kayla's expectations, I conclude they graduate from college, which would make them 22 or so.

Your text:

The day Jayden and I told my parents I was pregnant, my dad, a former Army Colonel whose Army training was reflected in every aspect of his life,

My Comment: The word "army" is used twice in thissentence. This tends to give your prose a monotone feeling. It's better to vary your word choice.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

400

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2760703

Review of Hard Times in NYC

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

General Impressions
Ben, I really enjoyed this short story. Several of your descriptions made me smile, and you have the noir narrative down pat. The idea, of course, is that the narrator's cynical worldview is the reader's guide to place that is filled crazed people and dangerous situations. You did this with humor and aplomb!

Favorite Parts
A perfect opening to a noir story:

Grey storm clouds scuttled across the sky like roaches scattering when the kitchen light flicks on.

Here's an example of cynicism that lends humor and sanity to an insane world. It also made me smile.

Slim grinned like he'd solved the Times crossword puzzle in ten minutes rather than watching too many Looney Tunes on Saturday morning.

And another perfect noir description:

dense as week old cat s***

Characters
The narrator, the rather dim Slim, and the versatile and attractive Jessie.

Plot
Follows a noir theme where things go wrong for the narrator -- he even gets beat up, a necessity for the genre -- but eventually muddles through.

Setting
The scary, filthy streets of the city...

Dialog
Excellent.

My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Truthfully, I have very little to comment on for this piece -- it is well done quite effective!!! Here's some very minor things to perhaps think about.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I'll illustrate with an example from your text.

Your text:

We sheepishly took off our masks and explained.

My Comment: There would be non-verbal cues that would let Jessie infer they were sheepish, so it would be a bit stronger to give those cues rather than tell us they were sheepish. This would be touch more "showing" rather than "telling."

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:

The city outside my window certainly needed cleansing, but like the Aegean stables,

My Comment: I think you meant "Augean" stables here -- I love the classical reference. It shows great insight to the noir narrative form since the Hercules stories do much the same thing!!

Your text:

Slim had said it was a "sure thing", which should have warned me away right then, as Slim's judgment was pretty suspect, maybe due to spending most of his thirty seven years behind bars for one "sure thing" or another.

My Comment: This sentence is a bit of a run-on...I'd consider splitting it.

Your text:

I'll give it that, but simple and lousy isn't a hell of a lot better than complex and lousy - just less strain on the brain.

My Comment: I loved this line!!!

Your text:

out walked Jessie and a whole lot of sweet cash, off to deposit the week's earning at the First Federal bank

My Comment: typo: I think you meant "earnings" plural.

Your text:

nobody had every done anything more than try to sell him a watch.

My Comment: typo: "every" should be "ever."

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.