This is a really cute story about the three girls. I really like how you dealt with something that is definitely an issue in schools (bullying) in a fun manner. The way Ellen handled Brenda by not fighting and actually finding a way to best her without being mean was awesome!
That being said, the writing was stilted in a few places and I felt like I never really got to know your characters. I know Ellen wants to be a writer, but how old is she? What grade is she in school? What else can you tell me about her? What about Jamie? What else can you tell me about her? And her brother Timmy? I'd like to know more about him. Finally the only thing I know about Brenda is that she's a bully. I don't know if you were limited on the amount of words you could use, but I'd love to know more about these characters.
And lastly, I have a few grammar and punctuation comments. You do not have to use these, but they were some of the things I noticed as I was reading. One thing you should remember is people speak in contractions so that's always a good thing to write in.
You might want to make the font a bit bigger, the smaller font is not always easy to read.
Move the word count to the end of the story.
Bold or center your title if you’re putting it in the body.
okay girls?" The –okay comma girls; remove the Â
Everything is good—Everything’s
Jamie wanted her brother's secret, secret.—this sentence is awkward. Try—Jamie had wanted her brother’s secret to stay that way. Or Jamie hadn’t wanted her brother’s secret to get out.
I really like the descriptions you've got here. You've only got a few words to convey everything and you still manage to capture her lack of interest and her dissatisfaction with the events happening in the story. That is fantastic!
Just one grammar suggestion indifferently not indifferent.
Oh very cute! I love the tie-in with Little Red Riding Hood. And the use of a bear instead of the wolf. Nice use of rhyming and rhythm. The descriptions are very vivid and perfect for little ones (or not so little ones). Fabulous job! I think my favorite part is the end when the bear brings the cheese and crackers to share.
*snorts* Oh the lengths men will go to to will bets. Nice job. I like the idea of the guys dressing up JUST to win the bet and fool their friends. Fantastic. The only thing that confuses me is the notation in the title of (1st Place). Did you win a contest? That might be better placed as an end note to the story. Otherwise fantastic flash fiction!
Wow. Just. Wow. That is powerful and fantastic. What a way to explain your feelings on writing. I think writing is something different to all of us and I am pleased that you chose to share your views with us. Fantastic job. Thanks for letting the readers into a little bit of your feelings and ideas. You are commended just for being brave enough to share this.
This looks very awesome and complicated! You have it exteremely well organized. I didn't click on any of the links, but it looks well laid out and easy to follow if you do click on the links. Your graphics are gorgeous and go perfectly with the game. Have a wonderful time!
Aw that was really sweet. I love the descriptions of her sneaking into the park and then to find out she's doing it because she has memories of her grandfather and the carousel. And that she lost her grandfather. That brought a sniffle to me. You did a fabulous job with the desriptions and feelings in this. Brava!
Wow that is just. I have no words. That was fantastic. You accurately captured the feelings of weariness and inability to keep going, but also inability to stop. You've shown what all mothers feel (and I know you speak from experience) that on-going drive to keep going even when it seems like nothing will ever be enough. Bravo.
Okay I will frankly admit to being confused. I got that the GI Joe was thrown into the pond. And the boy is upset. I'm a little confused where the little boy in the pond came from.
Grammar and punctuation wise, I didn't see any mistakes. Your story is well-formatted and well-written. Nice job other than that little confusion.
There's not really enough here for me to give you an accurate assessment. I think you have a good start, there's possibility for some conflict (depending on which link you click), but each of the chapters are too short to actually give an accurate reading on the character or the plot.
This is an interesting premise, but there's not enough chapters filled in for me to make a strong determination of where it's going. It's hard to discover personalities and characters through the short chapters you have here. I know letter writing doesn't leave much room (especially when letter writing as children), but I get no real feeling of what the characters are like. I feel no real connection to any of them.
At the moment I'm more intrigued by the idea than any of the characters.
On the more positive side, I saw no grammar or spelling mistakes.
LOL yes keep track of these and save them for prosperity and also for embarrassing him when he gets older! your son can definitely get a job with "kids say the darnedest things". i laughed so hard last night when i read this, but was just too tired to r & r it. go jakie! can't wait to read more things he says.
damania this is awesome! what a great idea for newbies and what great way to teach them how to navigate this site. this is a great idea that i hope many many newbies has found their way to. have you been posting this in scroll, etc? i know most newbies take a while to get into scroll but its a good idea you've got here. i'm going to bookmark this and add it to my list of places to include when i pass out the site if you don't mind. (let me know if you do.)
Overall comments on the poem: very sad and moving, wonderful word usage.
What I liked: the strength of your poem seems to be the sadness of the person waiting for her eternal love (i just got the feeling this was a woman speaking). this is lovely. just please remember that all poetry doesn't have to be sad. this is a good example of a death poem though.
What I disliked: some of the lines seemed a bit chopped. to be discussed more in format.
Comments on the format of the poem: some of the lines seemed a bit short. i'm not sure the single word lines worked, in most places they would have read better as part of the line above. remember that most people read line breaks as pauses in the poem.
Editing comments: go back and look at your single word lines.
Did the poem work and why? the poem worked very well, it was a lovely peice of work.
Closing comments: other than looking at the single word lines, this was a lovely poem. it read well and was easily understood. i like the imagry presented.
Overall comments on the poem: very sweet poem. i know that might sound odd considering this topic but it seemed very angsty to me and yet there was an undercurrent of sweetness. i can't explain why i feel that way but i do.
What I liked: the whole sadness of the poem but at the same time longing for something that can't be renewed.
What I disliked: nothing really, although this was a little short. it doesn't need to be longer but i liked it so much i was sorry when it ended.
Comments on the format of the poem: nice job, format is awesome for this poem.
Editing comments: none
Did the poem work and why? yes this poem works very well and is a beautiful work.
Closing comments: very nice job, can't wait to read the others.
Overall comments on the poem: This was incredibly funny, especailly the end.
What I liked: I like that you've considered all the different types of men. Its rather a good view. Its really funny with the ending though.
What I disliked: Nothing really.
Comments on the format of the poem: The way each stanza takes a type and describes attibutes and the words all sound similar is very good.
Editing comments: None
Did the poem work and why? Yes the poem worked well, you took what was normally a serious consideration and made a joke out of it, something not may people do.
Closing comments: Nice job and quite amusing. Thanks for sharing.
Overall comments on the story: Well written, well structured. Story follows a journey which is really neat. Reminds me in a way of the old fashioned fantasy journey stories. This worked very well the way it was put together.
What I liked: I like how Usansa meets people in his life as he makes his way to the goddess. You did a nice job with adding some background. The descriptions really made it easy to picture what was happening and I really liked the picture at the end.
What I disliked: Some of the references were a bit off—needed a little more explanation—such as The Plane. Also I would have liked a little more explanation for the battle.
Characterization: The characters were well-written and well rounded. There wasn’t an over abundance of description but that worked well with this story. Your people fit in well with their reality.
Editing comments:
tell you mother—comma after you
Did the story work and why? Yes the story worked well. It kept the reader’s attention with descriptions and had a logical conclusion.
Closing comments: Very nice work. Good job with this. Keep up the good work.
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