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158 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This is interesting. A nice introduction to a story, but there’s a lot left open or questioning. There’s no way to know what a Finder is or why the Secret Police want them. No way to know who the two (I assume) main characters are or what’s going to happen to them. I’m not sure you gave me a compelling enough reason to keep reading. While this was interesting, you left me with a lot more questions than you answered and although that’s good for a first chapter, you do need to not confuse your reader completely and make them go “huh?” for the entire first chapter.

Grammar points:

In addition, you might want to add in paragraph breaks or indents to make it easier to read.

Again Terry—Again comma Terry

now,” The officer—the

afraid of,” The officer—the

Don’t move Terry.—move comma

Thanks for sharing!
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Review of The Base Race  
Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: E | (4.0)
Oh very good. You really capture the feeling of excitement and anticipation of stealing a base. While it wasn’t exactly what I was expecting, you kept me on the edge of my seat with your word choices and your rhythm, keeping the flow going nicely. Your use of rhyme worked well and the poem flowed smoothly from start to finish. The only place I stumbled was where you had “I must read him,/And read him good.” That seemed a bit off. Other than that it flowed nicely. Good work.
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Review of Dark Red Rose  
Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: GC | (2.0)
** Image ID #1385041 Unavailable **
Thank you for entering Naughty Niceties


Your entry was {ritem: 2035186}

Overall:

You mention the holiday and make a pun on it, but it seems like almost an afterthought to the actual story. The sex is rushed and doesn’t evoke any feelings in the reader.

What I especially Liked: *Bigsmile*
The idea of the rose and what it symbolizes is a nice touch in the story.

What Needs Improvement:*Frown*
Please pay attention to the prompt and also to your writing. A bit more plotting and some more detail in the sex and this would be a good, solid story.

Spelling and Grammar:
Remember to check spelling or grammar before submitting to a contest. I’ve noted some, but there are others.

doorbell, alone wondering why—remove alone

hiself—himself


Other Comments:
Please remember to look at the way people speak. We use contractions and shortenings in speech. Look at grammar and spelling before submitting to a contest.

GOOD LUCK!
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Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: GC | (3.0)
** Image ID #1385041 Unavailable **
Thank you for entering Naughty Niceties


Your entry was "The May 2 - 4 (Victoria Day Weekend) [GC]

Overall:

This was an interesting story with a good plot between Serena and Daniel. There was nice background and interaction between the two. You have well-developed characters and interactions.

What I especially Liked: *Bigsmile*
I liked the interaction between Serena and Daniel; it was believable and understandable.

What Needs Improvement:*Frown*
This is a well-written story (with only some minor grammar issues), this is an erotica contest. Even though the story should have a plot, the sex should not seem like an after-thought or a tag at the end and that was the feeling I got with this story. I read though most of the story wondering when I was going to get to the sex.

Spelling and Grammar:
Remember to read through a story before submitting it to a contest.

There’s a missing line break, awkward phrasing, and other grammar issues. They all make it difficult to read the story.

Other Comments:
Although you didn’t use a major holiday (as the prompt requested), it wasn’t until I read the author’s note at the end that I understood what holiday it was. The prompt does request that the story make it clear what the holiday is.

GOOD LUCK!
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Review of One More Kiss  
Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is very sweet. I like the description of his lips and how you want just one more kiss. I'm not familiar with the form of senryu, but I am of Haiku and you have accurately captured the form. Lovely job and beautiful descriptions. I love the use of the alliteration.
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Review of Ellen's Problem  
Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a really cute story about the three girls. I really like how you dealt with something that is definitely an issue in schools (bullying) in a fun manner. The way Ellen handled Brenda by not fighting and actually finding a way to best her without being mean was awesome!

That being said, the writing was stilted in a few places and I felt like I never really got to know your characters. I know Ellen wants to be a writer, but how old is she? What grade is she in school? What else can you tell me about her? What about Jamie? What else can you tell me about her? And her brother Timmy? I'd like to know more about him. Finally the only thing I know about Brenda is that she's a bully. I don't know if you were limited on the amount of words you could use, but I'd love to know more about these characters.

And lastly, I have a few grammar and punctuation comments. You do not have to use these, but they were some of the things I noticed as I was reading. One thing you should remember is people speak in contractions so that's always a good thing to write in.

You might want to make the font a bit bigger, the smaller font is not always easy to read.

Move the word count to the end of the story.

Bold or center your title if you’re putting it in the body.

okay girls?" Â The –okay comma girls; remove the Â

Everything is good—Everything’s

Jamie wanted her brother's secret, secret.—this sentence is awkward. Try—Jamie had wanted her brother’s secret to stay that way. Or Jamie hadn’t wanted her brother’s secret to get out.

Here is your—Here’s

saying, "I'm sorry." I have—‘I’m sorry’?

home. How can—remove Â

"then she—Then

mouthed, "you'll –You’ll

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Review of So long Stan  
Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really like the descriptions you've got here. You've only got a few words to convey everything and you still manage to capture her lack of interest and her dissatisfaction with the events happening in the story. That is fantastic!

Just one grammar suggestion indifferently not indifferent.
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Review of Double Picnic  
Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh very cute! I love the tie-in with Little Red Riding Hood. And the use of a bear instead of the wolf. Nice use of rhyming and rhythm. The descriptions are very vivid and perfect for little ones (or not so little ones). Fabulous job! I think my favorite part is the end when the bear brings the cheese and crackers to share.
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Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: E | (4.5)
*snorts* Oh the lengths men will go to to will bets. Nice job. I like the idea of the guys dressing up JUST to win the bet and fool their friends. Fantastic. The only thing that confuses me is the notation in the title of (1st Place). Did you win a contest? That might be better placed as an end note to the story. Otherwise fantastic flash fiction!
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Review of Plop! Plop!  
Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Haha but I can't give you a one star it made me laugh! And reminded me of the commercials from when I was a kid. That was awesome! I loved it! I've never seen this type of poetry before but you wrote a fantastic poem. I'll give you the one star just because. But tell you, fabulous job!
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Review of Writing  
Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow. Just. Wow. That is powerful and fantastic. What a way to explain your feelings on writing. I think writing is something different to all of us and I am pleased that you chose to share your views with us. Fantastic job. Thanks for letting the readers into a little bit of your feelings and ideas. You are commended just for being brave enough to share this.
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Review of Game of Thrones  
Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This looks very awesome and complicated! You have it exteremely well organized. I didn't click on any of the links, but it looks well laid out and easy to follow if you do click on the links. Your graphics are gorgeous and go perfectly with the game. Have a wonderful time!
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Review of The Carousel Ride  
Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: E | (5.0)
Aw that was really sweet. I love the descriptions of her sneaking into the park and then to find out she's doing it because she has memories of her grandfather and the carousel. And that she lost her grandfather. That brought a sniffle to me. You did a fabulous job with the desriptions and feelings in this. Brava!
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Review of Motherhood  
Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Wow that is just. I have no words. That was fantastic. You accurately captured the feelings of weariness and inability to keep going, but also inability to stop. You've shown what all mothers feel (and I know you speak from experience) that on-going drive to keep going even when it seems like nothing will ever be enough. Bravo.
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Review of GI Joe  
Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: E | (3.5)
Okay I will frankly admit to being confused. I got that the GI Joe was thrown into the pond. And the boy is upset. I'm a little confused where the little boy in the pond came from.

Grammar and punctuation wise, I didn't see any mistakes. Your story is well-formatted and well-written. Nice job other than that little confusion.
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Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
I'm not sure what you were trying to convey here, but it kinda blends into the rambling. i will honestly admit i did not read the entire thing because I just... I couldn't get through it. The "ish" kept throwing me off, I couldn't follow what you were trying to say or do. I don't know if you need to tighten it up or just make it clearer, but it didn't make sense to me.
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Review of 8 Minutes  
Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This was fabulous! Most end of the world stories take one POV or another, but you managed to get in two different POVs, both the survivors and the dead. And I really think you did a believable take on both sides. It wasn't all happiness and roses with the survivors and not all desperation with the dead. It was a wonderful take. No noticeable spelling or grammar errors. Fabulous work!
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Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
There's not really enough here for me to give you an accurate assessment. I think you have a good start, there's possibility for some conflict (depending on which link you click), but each of the chapters are too short to actually give an accurate reading on the character or the plot.

No spelling or grammar errors noted.
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Review of Global Chat  
Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This is an interesting premise, but there's not enough chapters filled in for me to make a strong determination of where it's going. It's hard to discover personalities and characters through the short chapters you have here. I know letter writing doesn't leave much room (especially when letter writing as children), but I get no real feeling of what the characters are like. I feel no real connection to any of them.

At the moment I'm more intrigued by the idea than any of the characters.

On the more positive side, I saw no grammar or spelling mistakes.
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Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: GC | (3.0)
** Image ID #1385041 Unavailable **
Thank you for entering Naughty Niceties


Your entry was "Masters Thesis on Masturbation [GC]

Overall:

Your grammar and spelling was very good as was your comparisons. Your idea of the brain versus the computer was intriguing, but my eyes glazed over after a minute with all the thesis speak and tech speak which is a bad idea with this type of story.

What I especially Liked: *Bigsmile*
I liked the idea of using the thesis as the basis for the “sex scene” but try to tone down the thesis speak. It was a very unique idea, but the technical language prevented me from getting into the spirit of the story.

What Needs Improvement:*Frown*
In addition to the technical language throwing me out of the story, you have a lot of misuse of words.
Your story read a bit more like a porn novel once you got past the thesis speak, than an erotic interlude.
Things like “badges of her sex” and “stuff my pecker” honestly just make me giggle.
The sentence that really threw me out of the story though was:
I laid back on the bed and she mounted me, taking my sinew and guiding it into her clutch
laid should be lay
Sinew is a tendon
Clutch is either something a girl carries as a purse or the gold dragons in Dragonriders of Pern lay as eggs


Spelling and Grammar:
For the most part, your spelling and grammar was very good. There was some misuse of spacing and an overuse of ellipses, but overall it was fine. I’d recommend going back over it and checking paragraph breaks and removing some of the ellipses, they really don’t have a place in short stories.
Other Comments:
The prompt was masturbation and the story you have posted here is a wet dream. I’m not sure if this is your first foray into erotica, but the story read more like something I would expect from a porn magazine. As an idea the use of the thesis as a backdrop is unique and I think it would have worked to explore the concept, but you got bogged down with thesis speak.

Rating disclaimer: Rating is based on concept, spelling/grammar, use of prompt, erotic content, and erotic language. It does not determine your place in the contest, although it does assist the judges in their final decision.

GOOD LUCK!
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Review of The Club  
Review by Medie PUBLISHED
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: XGC | (4.0)
Overall:
An interesting look at a club.

What I especially Liked: *Bigsmile*
I like the first person look and that you took it from a "newbie" point of view. That's difficult to do and you did a good job for the most part with the feelings and sights from that pov.

What Needs Improvement:*Frown*
It was very quick paced (which may have been the needed word count) and seemed to leave a lot out. You didn't describe the sex so much as state it happened and that left me wanting a little. I think if you expanded this and added more description, it would be even more powerful.

Spelling and Grammar:
None noticed.

Other Comments:
I liked this although the lack of description left me wanting a little like I said. Still I think you did a good job with this and you worked hard to stay within the word count and still get the ideas and feelings across.

Nice work.
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Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: GC | (3.0)
** Image ID #1385041 Unavailable **
Thank you for entering Naughty Niceties


Your entry was "Chapter 1 Wedding Night [GC]

Overall:

An interesting take on both the prompt and 1001 Nights. I like the use of both.

What I especially Liked: *Bigsmile*
I like the twist of the use of 1001 Nights with the prompt and that the sultan was not all evil.

What Needs Improvement:*Frown*
You seemed a little too involved in attempting to write it in the style of 1001 nights (yes, I've read it)--which took away from the story. Maybe modernizing the language would have helped it a little.

Also these points:
The Sultan cursed, "Have you no shame, how dare you come upon us, in this sacred moment of matrimony?" --this seems a contradiction--especially considering the set up you have and also the prompt

I am confused as to how she moved around and washed up while still tied up--she could have if only one ankle was tied, but both were tied and neither were untied.


Spelling and Grammar:
"I fear the worst?" --why is this a question mark?

She reached with her hands for the fabric but it had passed from reach and looking down, saw her nakedness staring up at him.--the beginning of this sentence is very awkward

also the repetition of his words (sweet, yes) becomes very annoying after a few times

a woman? "she answered."--the quotation marks here need to be fixed

"So my mother said."

"When you behold the --instead:

"So my mother said:
          "When you behold the

positioned--position

being a woman. --add quotation marks

neck.

"Strangled! You deserve --this should be one paragraph

intercede--capitalize

Dunazad--this is a different spelling than used earlier

Other Comments:
I like the idea, but you had numerous grammar and spelling errors (other than the ones I have point out), that combined with the awkwardness of the language took me out of the story and took away from what could have been a really great erotic moment.

GOOD LUCK!
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Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: XGC | (4.0)
** Image ID #1385041 Unavailable **
Thank you for entering Naughty Niceties


Your entry was "SPECIAL DELIVERY {Contest Entry} [XGC]

Overall:

You've used the prompt nicely. Both scenes were very public--although the second more public than the first.

What I especially Liked: *Bigsmile*
You did a very good job with the descriptions and with the building on the already established relationship of what is obviously a Master/Slave relationship or a variation there of. You left just enough in to make it interesting, but not enough to turn off someone who doesn't like it.

What Needs Improvement:*Frown*
That said some of your descriptions made me cringe--especially things like: stirred her depths like he were churning butter though Ashley's cream was sweeter--you might want to keep things like that under consideration when you're writing. You don't want to take your reader out of the scene.

The inclusion of the bolded words also took me out of the story which was annoying at times.

Spelling and Grammar:
He was there!--here not there

There, at her job, at her desk!--again--it should be here not there

to test some things she had read about. with the toy He had left behind.--comma not period or fix the sentence

Other Comments:
Please remember next time that the limit for 30K is set for a reason. I did not disqualify you this time, because other entrants have been allowed one story that goes over the limit. This is your one story though.

GOOD LUCK!
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Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: XGC | (4.0)
** Image ID #1385041 Unavailable **
Thank you for entering Naughty Niceties


Your entry was "A Night to Remember [XGC]

Overall:


The description of their meeting and how they got together was nice and interesting. You gave a believable meeting between the two and a semi-believable reason for her to sleep with him.

What I especially Liked: *Bigsmile*
I like the idea of the ice carnival and wish you had expanded that a little more. It would have been interesting to have that as more of a focus and maybe have had the encounter somehow happen there.

What Needs Improvement:*Frown*
I think you used the crass words a little too much. It seemed like you were going a little too far to the crass side. While a twenty one year old will use those words, by that age, unless they are trying to impress male friends, they tend to edit them out of their conversations somewhat as maturity takes over a bit. It was a little off-putting at times.

Spelling and Grammar:
Just that numbers really should be spelled out (21 and 13).

Other Comments:
It was a good story that hit the prompt nicely, but the words as I said were a little off-putting at times as I said. While they are useful, I think editing them just a little would have made them more impactful at other times.

GOOD LUCK!
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Review of Notable quotables  
Review by Medie PUBLISHED
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
LOL yes keep track of these and save them for prosperity and also for embarrassing him when he gets older! your son can definitely get a job with "kids say the darnedest things". i laughed so hard last night when i read this, but was just too tired to r & r it. go jakie! can't wait to read more things he says.
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