I happened upon your poem via the Read and Review section. I thought I'd offer my review but I am in no way an expert.
I enjoyed the poem. I think it does a good job of relating the beast's activities.
The only comment I have is the line "Maybe I’ll do only one more." feels more like drug use (do one more line, do one more injection) than "having" one more drink, being inclusive of alcohol. It's just semantics, but that's how it came off to me.
I happened upon your writing via the Read and Review area. I liked your piece and thought I would offer my review. Of course, these opinions, thoughts and questions are mine and you are welcome to discard anything that doesn't work for you.
What I liked about your piece is that most children can imagine being drawn into a game, so there is a good chance a child would enjoy the story.
I have copied your story below and will comment inline. The red text are spacing and spelling issues, whereas the blue text is sentence structure or other issues.
It's so busy with my comments I'm not sure I've covered everything. If you would like, I'll rereview agree you have made changes. Just let me know.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
Scribe on,
D
Aiden was a small seven year old with brown hair and eyes.He was Quiet (lower case) and loved to play his games on his tablet.He (might want to change to plural as he has two tablets) was a loner that was so into his games that he lost his connection to the real world.He has two tablets oneto plug up while he played the other one (You might want to remove this line as you cover it in the next paragraph. This first paragraph should be a brief intro and the hook that draws your reader to want to continue on and see what happens next.).
One day (comma) he was very tired (possibly change the following and to when and incorporate the next sentence in. Show him shaking his head trying to stay awake instead of telling us he had to force himself to stay awake.) and he started playing his new game "Ice Age" on one (add tablet) while the other charged. Hplayedtill (until) he was so tired (comma) he was dozing off between plays. He yawned and was having to force himself to stay awake.
Suddenly (comma) he jerked awake and sat up. He was in a wooded area and there were icee (icy) winds blowing around him. He got up and pulled a bag of M&Ms out of his pocket (It would make more sense for him to be cold and looking for shelter than eating a melted bag of M&Ms from his pocket.). He walked as he ate. He looked for his tablets but could find neither of them.feet and he saw the huge thorn stuck in the (oops) He looked every where and found nothing (new sentence) he kept wondering where he was and how he got there. Just as he gave up looking and was going to sit to rest his mind hit bottom cause he saw a huge hairy beast hiding in the trees.
He sneaked closer (comma. And he's not scared at all?) tiptoeing up to the beast.He saw that he only came to it's knees. He looked up into it's huge furry face.It had the softests wettest (Why address wettest eyes? Just let him find it crying.) eyes he had ever seen. There was water leaking from the corners of it's eyes. Aiden suddenly realized it was crying (new sentence) it was tears in it's eyes, thats why it's eyes were so soft and wet looking. He reached one small hand up to gently pet it's face, it lowered its face to his hand (here it appears the beast talks. Sentence needs to be rewritten.) and talked to it in a quiet voice, saying nonsense to it like (Why like? Why not just say those things?) "Don't worry I won't hurt you," and "your such a good boy." like his mother said to him when he had a boo-boo. Finally he saw the problem. It was limping (limping would infer walking and they are not walking. How about a front for e that it's holding up?) on it's back left leg. Aiden crept close to i'ts back foot and he saw the huge thorn stuck in the pad of it's toe. He petted and talked to it some more and quietly took hold of the thorn and jerked it out. He tore the sleeve from his white t-shirt and poured clean water from his water bottle hanging from hid belt loop (Why would he have water on his belt loop while sitting in the living room or his bedroom playing on his tablet? Best to find another source of water such as your river at the end.). He wiped the toe and (comma instead of two ands) wet the sleeve again and wrapped it around the poor creatures toe (toe in here twice, might want to rewrite this sentence).
The huge animalgrabbed him up with it's trunk and (comma instead of and set him on it's back and ran around the woods with him giggling and (another and. Break into two sentences so there are less ands or possibly change last and to while) holding on for dear life..(remove one period) They were friends from then on but the boy was stuck there in the game. They stayed in a cave by the riverthat Aiden decorated with drawings on the walls. They lived "HAPPILY EVER AFTER " (text does not need to be in caps or quotes. And why would a boy into his tablet and games suddenly be happy stick in prehistoric land, freezing cold with only a mammoth? That's what crossed my mind as a reader. Explain why or better yet, show why the child was happy where he is now stuck.)
I happened upon your writing via the Read and Review area. I liked your piece and thought I would offer my review. Of course, these opinions, thoughts and questions are mine and you are welcome to discard anything that doesn't work for you.
What I liked about your piece is the unexpected way the other woman impacted the wife. I certainly wasn't expecting a drunk driver.
I also liked being surprised in a poem.
The only other comment I have is regarding the last line.
Another woman had claimed him from her.
"...claimed him" works but "from her" makes the sentence weird for me. Cancer claimed him. Another woman had claimed him. I get that.
Taken seemed to fit better with the "from her".
Another woman had taken him from her.
Anyway, that's my two cents.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
I happened upon your writing via the Read and Review area. I liked your piece and thought I would offer my review. Of course, these opinions, thoughts and questions are mine and you are welcome to discard anything that doesn't work for you.
What I liked about your piece is I can envision your nightmare with what you've written. I don't mind dreams but I dislike nightmares.
What I'd suggest is that this line needs some editing. "The began monsters black and formless." Possibly They began as monsters black and formless .
If you want to stick to the repeating text, I think "...I saw it one last time, formless as I faded amoung shadows." should include black for "...I saw it one last time, black and formless as I faded amoung shadows."
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
Schnujo,
I happened upon your writing via the Read and Review area. I liked your piece and thought I would offer my review. Of course, these opinions, thoughts and questions are mine and you are welcome to discard anything that doesn't work for you.
What I liked about your piece is it made me laugh. I tried that prompt for a few minutes but went back to the Flash Fiction one I was working on.
I feel your pain with the prompts. Sometimes the idea pops right up and with others, like with this one, I struggle. My name is Donna and I'm not fond of it, so that bugged me too.
I like that you took this almost self-depreciating path, although exercising your creativity good or bad is better than not writing at all.
Your piece came up in the read and review. Although I write poetry when the mood strikes me, I am no authority.
These are my opinions, thoughts and questions. You may discard them if you please.
I was reluctant to use the edit points as I wanted to see and copy the text for my review. I also found them to be a bit distracting, but that's just me.
I liked that you indicated this was your first public post and that you asked for constructive criticism. I like how you moved through the family structure in your poem.
Suggestions:
You might want to check the rules on who and whom. I need to refresh on them as well as I'm not sure which should be used here.
Do away with the word "like". Why not "What is a family?"
A family is like the strength of the father
the one who cares and protects....
Why does it have to be like when it is?
A family is the loyalty of the brother(s)
who protects you when your weak
and fights when your too powerful
"Your" should be you're or you are in both instances.
Also I understand how one protects when you're weak, but why fights when too powerful? Doesn't make sense to me.
A family is like the love of the sister(s)
who love with all their hearts
and teach you to love with all your hearts
Because of the (s) it makes these sentences difficult. You are treating the sisters as plural with hearts but using your, you should make it "with all your heart" or "with all our hearts"
Again thank you for posting your work and allowing me the opportunity to review it.
Hello,
I think it's really cool that you wrote a song. I'm not musically inclined enough to put it to music, but I'd like to give it a shot some day. Your post has me thinking about it.
I really liked it. The only thing that tripped me up was here:
....I walked down the hall and saw you, you flash me a smile
I smile till I see her wrapping her arms around you...
I didn't transition out of the bedroom far enough. I thought the hall was in the house / apt at first so I was wondering why this other chick in there too. I'm too literal sometimes.
Anyway, that's my first song review. No offense meant in anyway.
Scribe on,
D
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