|Spacing is an issue in this piece. The first thing I’d do is separate each new paragraph/statement to make it easier to read. In books and magazines, this isn’t really an issue, but for some reason, on Writing.Com, it’s easier to read stories when there are space between each paragraph. That’s a preference of mine, so no worry if you decide to leave it as is. Most Word documents set up a slightly extra space between paragraphs by default now, so it’s definitely necessary when reading digital texts.
Sentence Structuring and Grammar: It was one of the moments when she asked me, “What are you reading?”
If you want to emphasize a word, try italics, rather than capitalizing. Also, add comma before the statement comes.
Remember to add commas, but not too many! I am guilty of adding too many at times. Consider reading the story aloud and find the natural pauses as reading, or pay attention to speech patterns when you or others are speaking. Usually, when there is a natural pause, there is a comma needed when writing. A common rule of thumb is to place commas before “but” and “too”.
Adding Commas: Sometimes the question itself makes you comfortable with a stranger, but this time it was that euphonious voice, too.
Confusing: It was dense and addictive that you cannot thwart
Not quite sure what “it” is and why it matters. In hindsight, it’s more than likely the question, but there may be a better way to add this description without it floating on its own like it is.
Missing “to”: In a notion to reply to her…
Also, consider removing parenthesis: In a notion to reply to her, and also to have a glimpse of the girl, I took my eyes out of that deeply indulging novel.
Add Comma: Slowly, I turned…gift of disappointment, as she…
Tense change: In the same area as above, changes from past to present tense. Maybe change “I can” to “I could”.
Extra words: Same area, consider removing “really”, as it doesn’t add to the story…it took me a moment to get back…
Pronoun and missing “to”: Same area, I is lowercase…and I replied to her by showing…
Something I learned is that most sentences in dialog have commas, not periods. It definitely takes some practice and getting used to. “Proficient blend of science and religion,” she told me.
Capitalization of Watching, should be lowercase, and consider the confusion of this sentence: who was in dismay? You or her? If she was in dismay, how can you tell through the Burka? If you’re in dismay, why?: …and Inferno in the other, watching her walking beside her mother in dismay.
E-mail me if you make some changes to this or rewrite it and I’ll come back and read more and offer a new review. It seems like a really good story that you’re telling here. I’d like to continue it and see how it ends. :)