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Public Reviews
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51
51
Review of Mourning  
Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your poem and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
This is a very sad piece and I enjoyed the topic because there are many people wrestling and trying to cope with physical abuse.

*Check3*Favorite Part

*Cut* My car rumbles to life in the harsh winter air that burns my lungs with its frigid taste. *Cut*


This line did wonders in setting the scene.*Thumbsup*

*Check3*Characters
Your nameless narrator, who you managed to develop in short prose by revealing her inner thoughts. Well done. The mother who suffers when according to the narrator, she should be celebrating. The father who I would've liked to have shot.

*Check3*Plot
An abusive man is seen as quite the opposite in public and it irks the main character.

*Check3*Setting It could've been developed a tad more.

*Check3*Dialog No dialog used in this poem.

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

She breathescomma she blinks

the fourhyphen foot gate

THe grave of the ghost, small letters on "the"

caress me everynight every night Interesting choice of word, "caress"

my eyes looked at her helplessly.

I wondered waht man they spok eof what man they spoke of

she loved overtime over time

smil eat smile at

I am take care taking

simpliest simplest

woul dfade would fade

a best friends friend (singular)

Your last paragraph is good and the key to your story, but I think you can rewrite a few words or phrases so that it can be clearer. You used "people" twice fairly close to each other.

These are only my suggestions: feel free to take what will help your poem and disregard anything that doesn't fit with your needs. After all, only you know what's best for your poem.

I enjoyed this poem. Grammatical and type o's aside, it was about a very traumatic event. Thanks for sharing this thought provoking poem, and Welcome to WDC.


Nomar Knight


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52
52
Review of Something Spicy  
Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
Very funny. I enjoyed your witty sense of humor. I would have given you a perfect score except that I thought your first paragraph did not flow as well as the rest of the story. Nevertheless, this was a short entertaining read.*Smile*

*Check3*Favorite Part

*Cut* Paradise is the only word to describe urinating out an entire pitcher of fluid; *Cut*



*Check3*Characters
The unnamed narrator. I liked that for a short piece, your character didn't have a name. Therefore, I could substitute myself in his place. Wonderful!

*Check3*Plot
A man is starving, goes into a restaurant or bar that serves wings. Mmm. Sounds yummy. Then he gets more than he bargains for. I don't want to give it away in a public review.

*Check3*Setting
Bar/Restaurant. No real descriptions to capture the ambiance was given because you focused on the character's feelings.

*Check3*Dialog
Almost no dialog, but when it occurred, the line was priceless. *Thumbsup*

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* I had just entered a Gary’s is Good restaurant *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* Perhaps you'd like to place the name of the restaurant in bold to distinguish it from the rest of the sentence. *Paste**Idea*

I love your sense of humor. Welcome to WDC and thank you for the entertaining read.

Nomar Knight


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53
53
Review of Possession  
Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I loved your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
Bill, this has to be the best horror suspense story I've read on this site. Unbelievable thrill! Thank you.

*Check3*Favorite Part

*Cut* Too many to quote. *Cut*



*Check3*Characters
Your characters jumped off the page with frightening clarity.

*Check3*Plot
Elegantly pieced prose with nonstop action. Amazing!

*Check3*Setting
An insane asylum and at the end, a cozy bedroom, a safe place to be, the main character's home. Your descriptions literally put me in the story. I felt like a witness to the events. What a great ride!

*Check3*Dialog
The authenticity was uncanny, each character was given distinctive mannerisms. Superb job!*Thumbsup*


*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* Sorry dude, this was flawlessly written. I couldn't spot any grammar errors, you did take some liberties but I recognized them as artistic techniques to highlight important words. *Paste**Idea*

This is now my favorite story in WDC. You've been one of my favorites, but you just jumped to a whole new level. I'll be reading this story over and over again, taking notes. This is what a horror short story should be like. Thanks for the amazing lesson, Bill, I'm so glad you shared this story with me. Too bad I can't give this a higher rating. It's that good.

Nomar Knight


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54
54
Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
You did a good job with this one. I loved the narrative, your wording made the read flow smoothly and your descriptions were quite chilling at times. You did a splendid job in setting the mood. *Smile*

*Check3*Favorite Part

*Cut* There was a sense of oddity in the air that I cannot explain easily with words. *Cut*


Oh, but you did explain it, much to my delight.*Thumbsup*

*Check3*Characters
This story was told in 1st person, your character was pretty interesting. You did a solid job in developing him. You did a much better job revealing what type of man he was, how he thought, and his prejudices. Good job. I liked the old man at the bar too. The added ending that included his wife was pretty revealing as well.

*Check3*Plot
To believe in legends or not? I enjoyed the way your character's actions carried the plot and the element of intrigue you added was priceless.

*Check3*Setting
You do a great job with dark settings. There's no question in my mind that you will be a good writer of horror or supernatural events. *Thumbsup*

*Check3*Dialog
Splendid wording. Very authentic. Again, good job.

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* "Simply an echo and nothing more", *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* You mentioned that you had a question about dialog technique, well the comma does go after the e, "Simply an echo and nothing more," is the correct version. *Paste**Idea*

I noticed a few grammar errors and mostly technique issues. For instance, you don't always connect the paragraph when you should. If it's all part of the same action. For example:

"Why is it that you do not speak?" I uttered nervously.

"Please dear sir or madam I must admit to the distress I feel. I ask again, why is it that you do not speak nor do you pay a glance in my direction?" It's more acceptable to not separate the sentences. Continue the second part of the dialog two spaces after the period in nervously.

This completes my reviews, for the auction. I do plan on visiting your port in the future. I hope you may visit mine someday and leave comments. Please keep on writing, more things like this.

Nomar Knight


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55
55
Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
I liked how you described the setting, especially your second paragraph. I noticed your stories have some sort of social commentary. Interesting. When she entered the park, you made good use of the senses. *Thumbsup*
*Check3*Favorite Part

*Cut* Your vivid descriptions of the people in the park were excellent, very emotional. *Cut*


Creepy moment, that's good*Thumbsup*

*Check3*Characters
Your protagonist is okay, but I wonder, based on your other characters, if she's just a random victim. Somehow, I get the feeling there's more to this story that you're not revealing.

*Check3*Plot
I feel you're holding out on me. This may be just a small scene of a much larger story. Why were those manifestations there? What did they want with her? Did they manifest because she was a healer, since she came out of a hospital. Interesting, isn't it? You can do so much more with this, all you have to do, is ask your characters to reveal themselves and perhaps, in time, they shall. Cool, huh?

*Check3*Setting
You did a good job making the setting an important part of your unfinished plot. You have a flair for the dramatic, I like that.

*Check3*Dialog
Your dialog was limited to a personal thought or two.

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Criminals often used the cover darkness as a means of surprising unwary victims, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* cover of darkness... *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* but she had taken this route many nights and has never once been on the receiving end of such an attack. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* but she had taken this route many nights without incident. Something like that. I don't like the "has" in the sentence. *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* she screamed as the lighten flashed. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* lightning flashed. *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The In that instant she realized that she was not alone, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* I don't like adverbs but how about: suddenly, she realized she was not alone... *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* She starred in amazement *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* She stared ... *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* must be my eyes playing tricks on me. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* Unfortunately I know exactly how she feels. *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* was as real as hard ground on *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* as real as the hard ground... *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* It was as if time itself has slowed stopped completely. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* had slowed, or stopped? Pick one. *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* being said should, the words prove her need to run. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* misplaced comma, the pause comes after "said" *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* movements in a trace *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* in a trance... *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Rachel could feel a explosive rage building up in the air *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* Instead of saying Rachel could feel, why not describe the event, and show how she felt? It would make for a better read, and your fans will love you for it. *Smile* *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* in the far of distance *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* either in the far off distance, or in the far distance. *Paste**Idea*

Interesting idea, I can't wait to see what you do with this story with a little more work.

This completes the second of three reviews.

Nomar Knight


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56
56
Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
Awesome job of showing me what your snow days looked like. I grew up in New York City myself, and I hate snow. But your descriptions were so good, I wish I was there with you. *Smile*

*Check3*Favorite Part

*Cut* Mom always had a cup of hot cocoa, homemade and sweetened just right, *Cut*


I also liked how you described watching nature's beauty while being in front of a cozy warm fire. Great image.*Thumbsup*

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* But, wood was much cheaper that fuel oil, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* than fuel oil *Paste**Idea*

This was a nice account of past events that made me feel nostalgic. You country folks had it better than us city boys. The closest I came to knowing how it felt was when I visited a place in the country in New Jersey. So yes, those were the days. Thanks for sharing this nice nostalgic trip.

Nomar Knight


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57
57
Review of The Uninvited Hat  
Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
Bill, you are such a talented writer. I was hanging on every word. From your awesome descriptions to your intriguing plot, and finally to a great ending, this little gem put a smile on my face.*Smile*

*Check3*Favorite Parts

*Cut* Fear pumped through his hardened arteries like iced-water; *Cut*



*Cut* His weak heart fluttered, then ran like a fan with a playing card caught in it. *Cut*

Outstanding imagery.*Thumbsup*

There were more favorite parts, but I don't want to place the entire story in the review.*Wink* This was a good scary story. I like using ordinary objects and making them extraordinarily strange. The entire buildup led me to an ending that did not disappoint.

I found no errors in the piece. Well done! Thanks for sharing this great little story. Please write more things like this.


Nomar Knight


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58
58
Review of Collection  
Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
I enjoy stories that have an interesting twist to daily, boring, mundane life events, and this one sure did. Thanks for the fun read.

*Check3*Favorite Part

*Cut* "Pay me now or pay me later," he said to himself, "but eventually, we all pay in the end." *Cut*


How does the old saying go... two sure things in life, death and taxes...*Thumbsup*

*Check3*Characters
Curtis is indeed an interesting character.

*Check3*Plot
A debt collector goes to great lengths to get paid.

*Check3*Setting
The Fords' house. Not too much detail given.

*Check3*Dialog
I liked the line I quoted above.

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Still, the law of averages would normally dictate that I move on to the next account, except that, lately, even the next account is like you. close quotes *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* Minor type o' *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* They weren't the ones he'd or had worn when he'd first arrived, as those were covered in small bits of blood and skin from his making the Fords a little more complacent and compliant. He went over to the sink and turned the water off now that he'd made sure he wouldn't leave fingerprints on the knobs. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* There's something about this paragraph that's a little off. I believe it has too many he'ds. *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* He then reached into the jacket's inner pocket and produced the palm computer that had replaced his old bulky computercomma and eliminate the and and which also gave him access to his cellphone earpiececomma and to the Internet anytime he wanted. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* Minor grammar issues. *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Many were family men or single motherscomma and the way they had to work themselvescomma almost to deathcomma just to scrape together a decent commission from people who clearly did not have the guts to settle their obligationscomma had gotten to be too much. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* To comma or not to comma, I struggle with the same issue myself. In some cases a phrase can be omitted so commas can separate the phrase to maintain the focus on the main idea. But I know you know this. Sometimes when we're so close to the work, we miss things. So, I hope I have been of some help. *Paste**Idea*

Naturally, you can take whatever suggestions I've made, or you can disregard them all. In the end, it's your story and you decide what's best for it.

Thank you for sharing this entertaining story.*Smile*

Nomar Knight


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59
59
Review of Beacon Of Hope  
Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your poetry and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
Your title drew my attention. I enjoy dark poetry, especially if it ends with hope. This one sure did.*Smile*

*Check3*Favorite Part

*Cut* Subdued by this shadow of defeat. *Cut*


Excellent line*Thumbsup*


Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* I fell.
Once again,
I tumbled down this endless pit of despair. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* We all fall, don't we? I liked how you phrased it, "endless pit of despair"- priceless. *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Powerless, I am.
Subdued by this shadow of defeat.
Remorse, I felt. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* We do feel powerless. While it's true that some things are out of our control, are initial actions, or lack there of, can have much to do with our fate. *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Defeatism stabbed my heart,
leaving its eternal scar.
This endless pain,
alone, I swallow this bitter taste of despair. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* Awesome stanza! We all feel defeated and down when something negative happens to us. You captured the feeling perfectly here. *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* But, what am I?
Who am I to change destiny?
What is written cannot be changed. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* For someone that believes in and writes a lot about destiny, I contradict myself when I say, as long as we're still in the game of life, our destiny can be rewritten, much like when we write words, they can be erased and replaced anew. *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* As darkness subdued, a distant voice I heard.
I, am not alone. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* Amen! *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Hope, sparkled like an ember.
Curing this everlasting pain of mine. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* Hope does take away inner pain. *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Light filling this endless pit,
the light of a faithful friend. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* I wonder if you speak of a human or an extraordinary human that people still celebrate to this day. *Paste**Idea*

Thanks for sharing this wonderful poem. Write on! Welcome to WDC.

Nomar Knight


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60
60
Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your poem and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
I enjoy poems with good themes, and this one had a universal theme: Forgiveness.

*Check3*Favorite Part

*Cut* I wouldn't hear your point of view. *Cut*


You hit the nail right on the head with this line.*Thumbsup*

*Check3*Rhyme
Good abab rhyme straight through.

*Check3*Rhythm
It's not easy to follow a steady rhythm. This was great.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* I wouldn't hear your point of view. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* It's amazing how problems become worse than they need to be because some of us don't know how to listen. Communication is the key to avoiding problems in the first place, but if we can't improve, then the least we could do is what your poem suggests, "Learn how to forgive." *Paste**Idea*
*Smile*

Thanks for sharing this sweet poem.

Nomar Knight


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61
61
Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your poem and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
Extremely well put, Harry. It's strange that a peace-loving nation finds that it has to go into so many wars just to impose their way of life on others. Of course, while you mentioned the international conflicts, you left out something very telling about our country. America was a nation of equal opportunity haters. We made many a species extinct or made them endangered. Like the Native Americans, and anyone of dark color; not to mention other living creatures. Too many ghosts are in our country's past and although we seem to have a President that learned nothing about History, our current political situation holds the promise of something different. Hopefully, it will be something better.*Smile*

*Check3*Favorite Part

*Cut* America is the home of the brave, land of the free.
We support harmony and peace from sea to sea. *Cut*


Freedom has cost a hefty price. Thank you for your service and I'm glad that you're able to share your talents with us.

Nomar Knight


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62
62
Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your article and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
Anything that teaches me something new always delights me. But when something I have thought about for years is confirmed by a kind soul such as yourself then I feel blessed.*Smile*

*Check3*Favorite Part

*Cut* What a wonderful image ~ God isn't just out there somewhere, up in the clouds, impersonal and beyond us, out of our reach. Rather, God is here with us, all around us, part of us ~ God dwells in us and we dwell in God. *Cut*


The technical aspect of the mechanics of writing are flawless in this wonderful article. Your explanations and flowery words hit home like a majestic hammer of truth. I only hope that millions will get the opportunity to read this article and cherish it for what it is, a Heaven sent message.*Smile* Thank you for sharing and please keep on writing more things like this.


Nomar Knight


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63
63
Review of Friday  
Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your poem and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
While I know it's not currently Friday, you make me wish it was with this fine acrostic.*Smile*

*Check3*Favorite Part

*Cut* Assault the senses when you play. *Cut*


Excellent advice. When you "assault the senses" you know that you are alive. Pleasure and Pain reminds one of being alive. Although, I prefer pleasure. *Smile*

I enjoyed how you were able to keep a nice rhyme throughout. *Thumbsup* Please keep writing more things like this.


Nomar Knight


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64
64
Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
You have a wonderful way of describing events as they unfold. I pictured the entire story happening right before my eyes. Well done. *Smile*

*Check3*Favorite Part

*Cut* This morning he almost seemed to look down on her as if she had been an insect scuttling across the kitchen table,
*Cut*


Excellent way to describe that look one gets when someone dispises them. *Thumbsup*

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* as in his right fist he clasped a short-barreled ugly stubby gun! *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* I know it's a female narrator but ugly stubby gun? I like guns so I take issue with this description. *Frown* *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* It wouldn't do to be seen in town slouchy-not for Bill's wife. Now here she was in the Safeway lot and however would she get the stains out of the suit jacket *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* Plot issue: I know you cleaned it up in the next sentence but really, a guy points a gun at me, I always think about what I'm wearing. *Shock* *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* gun shot segment *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* Another plot issue: I find it hard to believe that no one heard the gunshot. There's always someone whose nosy and doesn't think about the ramifications of walking in on a murder in progress. *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The ending *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* Another plot issue: I'm assuming that the husband was behind the event because of your excellent line foreshadowing the ending. *Paste**Idea*

Although I had to reread the beginning to understand the ending, perhaps if you equip your shooter with a silencer... that would clear up a couple of issues. Nevertheless, it was a very entertaining read. I wouldn't describe this as horror, but at the time you wrote it, there was no other choice. It's definitely Dark fiction. You have a talent for Dark fiction so please, keep on writing more things like this. *Smile*

Nomar Knight


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65
65
Review of At the Mall  
Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
Once again one of your stories dazzle me with realism. This one was action-packed the way I like them.*Smile*

*Check3*Favorite Part

*Cut* she ran twisting and turning between the kiosks like a wild rabbit trying to elude a hungry hound. *Cut*


Excellent imagery. *Thumbsup*

This gem was well written and very entertaining. Thank you for sharing.

Nomar Knight


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66
66
Review of Girl Watching  
Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your editorial and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
Thank you for bringing me down memory lane. Like you I've always appreciated the beauty of women. I like everything about them, not just their walk. I'm especially attracted to the eyes. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, well perhaps but I love it when they stare at me inquisitively trying to pry information out of me.*Smile*

I will relate something I witnessed on a New York City subway once. A muscular man was with his stunningly beautiful wife when a thin frail man couldn't keep his eyes off the beauty. The muscle man spotted the younger man and asked, "Why the hell are you looking at my woman like that?"

To the young man's credit, he faced the woman without looking at the muscle man directly as if he was cross-eyed, and said, "Looking at her? No big boy, I was looking at your delicious bod."

The big man didn't know what to do and left with his wife who was giggling. When the door closed, the frightened young man, said, "Whew," wiping sweat off his brow, "That was close."

Now that's fast thinking. Thank you for writing about a rarely spoken topic.


Nomar Knight


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Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
This was such a sweet story and so well written. From your vivid descriptions in the beginning, to your constant revelations of both characters, to the sweet ending. This story was marvelous.*Smile*

*Check3*Favorite Part

*Cut* he sat in the ensuing silence and marveled at the giant snowflakes tumbling out of the steel grey sky. *Cut*


Great image. *Thumbsup*

You did a great job with this story. Thank you for sharing it.

Nomar Knight


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Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
From the nice set up at the beginning, with your smooth narration, to the revelation of relevant details, to the cool surprise ending, this story was fun to read.*Smile*

*Check3*Favorite Part

*Cut* Life is eternal for us dark pixies, so long as we never cross paths with our only enemy...the vampire! *Cut*


Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* My trap takes place in a well-staged room of a condominium basement in Seattle. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* Basements always make good settings for horror stories. *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* I make eye contact with one of society's classless humans. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* You set up the reader's preconceived notion (schemata) against him well here. *Paste**Idea*

This was a good but short read. Please write more things, just like this.

Nomar Knight


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Review of To Be Continued  
Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
This story is extremely disturbing and very well written. Excellent! I enjoy stories about madmen. Your character was deeply disturbed by a traumatic event caused at childhood. Many can argue that that excuse is a cop-out.

*Check3*Favorite Part

*Cut* My so-called friends would pretend that the most desirable thing in their life was to escape from their abusive, money-hungry wives. *Cut*


I also enjoyed your last paragraph.

*Check3*Characters
The main character was very disturbing.

*Check3*Plot
You handled an old premise, a confession, nicely.

*Check3*Setting
I don't think the setting added much to your story in that it was vaguely described. You chose to get the reader's interest first, which is what I always prefer.

*Check3*Dialog
The dialog you introduced was more a comment about society's thoughts. Very clever.

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* smiled shyly to me *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* I'm kind of a stickler, I'd write: smiled shyly at me. No big deal. *Paste**Idea*

Thanks for sharing this cool dark story. By the way, Welcome to WDC. Please keep writing more things, just like this.

Nomar Knight


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Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your poem and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
Leereay, I'm always impressed when someone turns my favorite genre of horror into something else entirely. I particularly liked how you expressed your thoughts under such tight restrictions. Well done!

*Check3*Favorite Parts

*Cut* Creeping near,
it is beating, *Cut*

Here's another:

*Cut* almost here,
courage fleeting. *Cut*

These are great set up lines that hint at something horrible to come.

*Check3*Form Extremely well done. You kept to a steady three-four syllables verses, nice.

*Check3*Rhythm The tight form allowed for the consistent rhythm.

*Check3*Rhyme You tried to pull off a consistent rhyme scheme as follows. ababcdcdcefghij kj It was too difficult to maintain throughout and some of the cd rhymes weren't true rhymes. Nevertheless, I applaud your effort. *Smile*

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that any suggestions I make are to help you write at your best.*Smile*

Once again, the only thing I noticed was that you kept a good true rhyme scheme but then it wavered by the end. I still enjoyed this poem anyway.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poem. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I enjoyed this piece. I have no doubt that this poem will entertain many readers. Thanks for the fun read. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Nomar Knight


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Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. Max Griffin sent me to your port. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
I love horror stories. This seemed to be a twisted version of Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery" which is one of my favorites. Kudos to you sir.*Smile*

*Check3*Favorite Parts

*Cut* She did and lowered the coat showing more red smeared across her tear smudged face. *Cut*
This line added to your suspense nicely. Although, it reads better: She did and lowered the coat showing more red smear across her tear smudged face.


*Cut* We did not dare discuss that Emily could be dead, that seemed unreasonable to us. *Cut*
This line plants the possibility of the worst case scenario which is always present in traumatic events. Again, well done.


*Check3*Scare Factor- 1= not scary 2= somewhat scary 3= pretty scary 4= So scary I won't sleep for a week!

Scare Rating: 3

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Her classmates gathered and whispered behind the adults backs about the forest. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* You can use an apostrophe after the s in adults since you're indicating ownership. *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* We did not even think as to where the thing would have dragged poor Emily into this dark wood, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* The way the line stands it sounds that Emily is inside a dark piece of wood. Shouldn't it continue to be "into these dark woods?"*Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* We just knew that she was in this dark wood scared... *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste*There it is again.*Paste**Idea*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

*Check3*Overall Impressions

I liked the built up to the cool ending. I just wished you showed more than you told. Nevertheless, this is a good story.

Thanks for sharing this item. I enjoy reading horror and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!! And by the way, Welcome to the WDC.

Nomar Knight


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72
Review of For I love  
Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your poem and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions

This is a wonderfully thought out poem. It's filled with powerful images. Good job!*Smile*

*Check3*Favorite Part

*Cut* I don't know why some play a deadly game
for their blinded idols who only value the dark, *Cut*



*Cut* Yet, I know, like a sun, I can rise above this
to dazzle the hearts, to embrace reed-flutes of peace *Cut*
This entire stanza is excellent.

What I enjoyed most about this poem is that it started off mentioning all the dark terrible things but it finished with hope and high positive emotion. Any poem that can bring about good emotions after such a tragic event, is one I hope many read. Being from New York myself, this tribute brought an array of emotions both sadness and pride. For New Yorkers are resilient. And for that matter, so are writers. Thank you for brightening my day. Please keep on writing things just like this.

Nomar Knight


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Review of Please Choose Me  
Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
Stories that show the inner conflict of a child, especially with such high stakes, I find interesting to read. This one certainly fits the bill. Good job!*Smile*

*Check3*Favorite Part

*Cut* The front door opened, letting sunshine into the massive foyer. Her heels clicked on the tile floor as she crossed the foyer to the administrative offices. *Cut*


I like that you used imagery right away to bring the reader into your story. The above sentences are good in that you show the reader the scene. You don't just tell it.

*Check3*Characters
Little Jeremy reminded me that even kids go through traumatic situations. This story shows the inner turmoil he goes through. At that age, one must not leave anything to chance and you demonstrated that beautifully in the climax.

*Check3*Plot
I enjoyed all of your plot elements except the resolution. While you use a positive word like exuberant, I'm old fashion and would like to know the actual outcome. Your ending kind of leaves up to the reader so, if I'm an optimist, then, it ends happy but if I were an pessimist, then the ending would be a sad one. I choose to go with your clue and take the optimistic route.

Any story that can involve the reader like this one, deserves the highest ratings possible. Thanks for reminding me that many of our personal problems pale in comparison to others, and some of those others are innocent children.*Check*



Nomar Knight


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74
74
Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your poem and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
You did a wonderful job capturing the rising of the sun and the beauty that accompanies it. At first I thought, how odd, to use the word drowning, but by the end, I saw how fitting that word actually was.

*Check3*Favorite Parts
Your descriptions were amazing. For example:
*Cut* Whitetail deer graze with such muted gracefulness, brown rabbits race across the meadow, and the birds speak to each other in a comforting gibberish not unlike my childhood memory of the priest in the confessional. *Cut*

Here's another:

*Cut* It is here at this early hour of the day with its tree rustling breezes and the single bumblebee flying in lazy circles around my half empty cup of coffee that daybreak warms my recollection...*Cut*

These are great images that paint a clear picture and reveal the mood artfully.*Thumbsup* Thank you for sharing such a great little poem. *Smile*

Nomar Knight


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Review of True Nature  
Review by Nomar Knight
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Smile* Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
Wow! I loved the twist at the end!*Bigsmile*

*Check3*Favorite Parts

*Cut* I've had black eyes, broken bones, cracked ribs, more bruises than I can count... my blood stains the prison common areas. *Cut*



*Cut* The moonless sky was dark, and the only sound came from my boots slapping against the concrete as I made my way down the sidewalk of the residential street. *Cut*


*Check3*Characters
You did a good job of developing the main character. He undergoes a significant change by the end.

*Check3*Plot
I always like horror stories with a surprise ending.

*Check3*Setting
Jails are a wonderfully high charged place to set conflicts.

*Check3*Dialog
No dialog in this story.

Rules!

What I'll be Looking for! - What you gave us:

1. *Check3*Creativity:
You did a good job describing an old scene, like getting beat up constantly, in a freshing way because of your tonality.*Check*

2. *Check3*Spelling/grammar:
Very well written. *Check*

3. *Check3*Originality:
The story's premise has been done before, but I liked your rendition of the villain. *Rolleyes*

4. *Check3*Scare Factor- 1= not scary 2= somewhat scary 3= pretty scary 4= So scary I won't sleep for a week!

Scare Rating:2

5. *Check3*Nailed the Prompt:

You did stick to the prompt. Although I feel a bit slighted. I'm referring to your cool ending. *Wink*

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Last night a couple of the other prisoners cornered me in shower and beat me up real good. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* could use the determiner, "the" before shower. *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* I instead sliced the blade swiftly across his throat, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* Style issue, it sounds better as: Instead I sliced the blade swiftly across his throat, *Paste**Idea*


*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The cleaver was a little excessive for my purposes, so I ended up selecting the chef's knife, although I knew it to be a horrible cliche. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* This line seems to contradict your main character's eventual mental capacity. It's really nothing, but I wonder, if you cheated a little with the setup. *Paste**Idea*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

*Check3*Overall Impressions

I liked the built up to the cool ending. I would have liked to see some dialog but I guess I'm being old fashion. The story worked well without it. Nevertheless, this is a good entry. Good luck with the contest and happy writing.

Thanks for sharing this item and entering "In the Darkness." I enjoy reading horror and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!


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