Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your poem and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
It's amazing how literature can affect our lives for both good or evil. Good job with this poem!
Favorite Part
Pity. I wish I could be that scribe.
It seems to me that you described work that took courage to present to the public. By writing anything on this site for public consumption, you've already proved to be very much like that scribe. Write on!
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Hi, this is Nomar. Came across this story in your great newsletter, thought I'd let you know what I thought about it.
General Impressions
Awesome display of Science Fiction, Horror and Suspense!
Favorite Part
It was all good, but I especially liked the message at the end.
Brilliant!
Characters
The main character went through some extraordinary changes. Well done! The bit characters made an impact on plot and characterization. Again, well done!
Plot
Great concept and I enjoyed the ride as you detailed your story's intro.
Setting
Various settings, you maintained them dark, hence making this horror piece even more frightening.
Dialog
Authentic dialog that revealed much about the characters. This too was expertly done.
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text: The heel of his shoe caught on the floor mat and and he tripped and fell over backwards hitting his head on a shelf that rattled with glasses and liquor bottles. My Comment: one two many ands after floor mat
Great read. Just what I needed. Thanks Bill.
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Hi, this is Nomar. I thought this excerpt was interesting and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
The best thing about writing is that when a writer dominates grammar, certain minor changes are easier to make and your grammar is excellent.
Since this is an excerpt, I'm not sure where exactly it's presented in your novel. Keep in mind that any suggestions I make are in the best interest of helping you make this piece even better. However, this work comes from your creativity and therefore only you can decide if my suggestions are worth examining.
Your text: It was Wednesday and I was home by myself. Michael had gone fishing and the kids were at school. My Comment: This isn't a very strong opening. It would be good to create a sense of urgency or tension right from the start.
Your text: I awoke with a strange feeling and I got out of bed slowly. Everything seemed different. My Comment: The entire scene is riddled with vague statements: words like strange, seeming different. Please remember that you are painting a picture with words. Use of Imagery is tantamount to putting the reader in the scene.
Your text: I noticed that everything they did was synchronized. My Comment: You're making a number of announcements with words like "notice" The reader understands it's in first person point of view so don't waste words like notice and felt. Just show what the characters are doing with vivid power verbs, some interesting adjectives and try to use adverbs sparingly, if not at all.
Your text: The scene itself My Comment: The scene feels rushed. Take your time exploring, showing, discovering. We all have the habit of rushing through certain aspects of our writing. Remember that a good scene or story is like fine wine, over a period of time will it stand out for its true tastes. A sculptor doesn't rush through her work, in other words, feel free to edit, edit, and edit some more for it's in the editing where the magic truly happens.
Nevertheless, your writing shows much promise. I wish you a glorious experience with your writing. Welcome to WDC.
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Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your poem and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
I liked where you're going with this. I agree with you in that lengthening it a little would do it justice. Still, you did a good job!
Favorite Part
The last line.
My reviews sometimes have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text: I light the torch and shine the light
Where none has shone before
I try to free others of their sorrow My Comment: My only complaint is that you didn't repeat "I am one" affecting any rhythm the poem had. Adding the signature line and not rushing the transition from I am one to one of many would improve this piece.
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Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your poem and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
I thought it was a nice poem but I would love to see and feel the scene play out. Some showing would be nice.
Favorite Part
When you touch my face,
our loving begins.
Your tender kiss,
a nectar of sweet love.
The caress of my body,
sets me aflame.
This stanza stood out because I can see this part of the scene play out clearer
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text: From the moment I awake,
my thoughts are of you.
You took my life,
and made me immortal.
Our lives are entwined,
never to part. My Comment: I wish I could get into the vampire's head. What were those thoughts? How did he or she take his or her life? How are their lives entwined? See what I mean?
Some poems read like a story and this one started out that way so I thought you would be true to form, but of course, it's your baby, only you can decide what's best. Anyway, I'll be reading some more of your work and I'm looking forward to reading your vampire novel.
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Hi Bill, the thing I hate most about well written, entertaining flash pieces is that they are too short. Fantastic little story. I hope you can revisit this one someday and show how Uncle Jack got his.
Thanks for another high quality horror read. By the way, I have a new blog and I'd like to link this story since I'll be writing about psychos. With your permission of course.
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
You tell a good story and you do a good job of revealing what the POV character feels.
Favorite Part
I checked the bread bag. Not a slice was missing.
The reason I like this is because this is where you have the opportunity to create major suspense.
Characters
The two children are kind of flat and the protagonist is not quite human.
Plot
I like your story line, I think with some proper adjustments this can be an even better story.
Setting
Not much is revealed about the setting. I think you missed a golden opportunity to establish a dark mood by describing the setting first, which you opted not to do.
Dialog
You're overall use of dialog was good but I have to know, who was your protagonist talking to in the beginning? And how do I know she's the protagonist?
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text: I put on my happy face and went to greet her.
I kneeled down so that we were almost at eye level. My Comment: You can rewrite these two sentences so that it could read as one long one instead of two paragraphs. Also, knelt is a good word instead of kneeled
Your text: The next series of dialog My Comment: It sounds like banter, fluff... perhaps you can keep it to the bare essentials.
Your text: "She nodded solemnly then her mouth widened into a grin and she said,
"Can I see my brother?" My Comment: Type o's : No (")- She nodded (no adverb needed) then her mouth widened into a grin and said, "Can I see my brother?"
Your text: In your narration you tell. My Comment: It would be great to cut the fluff and show the scene using the five senses.
Your text: He started walking back to the boys' room. I noticed he had shoes on. I said nothing. I checked the bread bag. Not a slice was missing. I boiled the tea and went back to bed. I still couldn't sleep. My Comment: Here's my evidence that your main character is not human. How can a female who is a mother figure not be concerned for the boy's actions. Would you be able to go to sleep if you lived with a killer? If so, then you are far braver than I.
With some minor adjustments, this story will be even more entertaining. Happy Writing!
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Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your work and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
Wow! This is very deep and well written. I thank you for that.
Favorite Part
It's all great but your title stood out for me. In fact, it's quite inspiring in that I'm tempted to write a rebuttal. One titled, Loneliness is not a phase, but a choice.
Super job expressing your thoughts, I just hope that you understand that loneliness is a choice. We choose how to react to circumstances. Loneliness being one of the more extreme of circumstances. Good job though.
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Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
You have an interesting sense of humor. Overall you did a good job with this story!
Favorite Part
I could only imagine what went through the minds of the owners of those houses when they came home to their bloody doors.
That would definitely freak me out. Cool!
Characters
You revealed just enough of the character to get the reader into his mind but there was so much more you could have done in a longer story.
Plot
One brief segment of an accident and its aftermath. Again, more could have been done, but you did a splendid job of showing with well crafted detailing.
Setting
The setting was a bit obscure. Perhaps more details could be woven in.
Dialog
The dialog was brief and realistic. Good job!
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
My Comment: I didn't notice too many errors. Any doubts I may have deal mostly with grammatical style issues which of course, the author has liberties that should not be criticized. I liked your use of similes. Very creative.
Thanks for the entertaining read, although, I too wish it was longer.
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Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
Excellent story. Very well written. I just have one gripe. If you are able to do what you say then, I have you to blame for my endless hours at work.
Favorite Part
There was no magic lamp, no science experiment gone wrong, no coin thrown into a wishing well; nothing of that nature led to my life changing experience. In fact, I’ve spent countless hours researching, praying, and backtracking trying to figure out how I gained this super power.
Fantastic hook, I couldn't stop reading after that.
Characters
Great revelations you made about your main character by using your unique story line. I sympathize with single mothers so, it was refreshing to see them turned into a superhero. We all know they really are superhero's in real life too.
Plot
Excellent story line. Good choice of Point of view. Well done.
Setting
You did well in bringing the setting to your scene giving us just enough details to put us there but not overwhelming us with unnecessary rift-raft. Again, well done, teach.
Dialog
I loved the main character's exchange with her daughter. It was priceless.
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text: I considered calling in sick at work that day and staying home to think of ways I could use my new toy, but then I realized I could drop the kids off at school and then just freeze time to think of about it. My Comment: but then I realized I could drop the kids off at school and then just freeze time to think about it (omit of)
Just like a good teacher, very little or no errors. Impressive. Thanks for writing good stories and please keep writing. I look forward to visiting your port often too.
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
I loved this, your character reaches the darkest depths of despair only to be pulled back to life by a stranger.
Favorite Part
Your narration. Your voice is unique and powerful. In this piece you strung the words together and made a powerful symbol of hope for all to read. Beautiful!
Characters
This piece is very short but your character is most intriguing, both of them. Why did she act this way? What brought her to the brink of disaster? What kind of a man would respond in this way to a stranger in need? Was he an angel? or just a godsend?
Plot
The questions I posed would help you expand this into something much larger, if you so choose and I'm hoping that you do.
Setting
You sprinkled just enough setting to paint your picture but I would've loved to see you set the mood with it a little more by providing a few more details. I'm not being picky, I just hate to see a good thing end so quickly.
Dialog
Very believable. Very authentic. Your dialog moved characterization and important plot points wonderfully.
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text: my fist clenched around the paracetemol boxes, crushing them. My Comment: You forgot to capitalize the word, "My". Flawless grammar.
Thank you for providing me with a powerful, yet short read. I hope you do write more about these characters I feel their story needs to be told, and who better to tell it than you.
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your essay and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
Hello my princess, this essay echoed what I have felt and longed to express, but didn't have the courage to; but you have shown an eloquence and grace befitting a beautiful princess, such as yourself, in commenting with style.
Favorite Parts
Questions build, nagging like a spiteful mother-in-law.
All that glitters is not…purple. It is the comments, encouragement, help, and praise we receive that is the real gold.
So true and so well put.
Once again you provided me with a valuable lesson. Being from New York City myself, I usually find less constructive ways to vent out my frustrations. Your way is without a doubt, much classier. I'm forever in your debt, my lovely princess.
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
This has to be the best flash piece I've read in some time. Your perception of something tragic turned into something magical. Being a sucker for a different type of ending, I was sad that you didn't take the Hollywood route, but upon further analysis, your ending was the most appropriate.
Favorite Part
Through the darkness, distant voices beckon me. They wash over me like the warm torrents of rain cascading over my face.
Once again I was hard pressed to find just one good quote, but since this was in the opening, I decided to choose this one. Great job!
Characters
You, through the eyes of your nameless main character, (I love that touch because the reader can easily take her place.) does a wonderful job of describing what she sees or what she remembers. Spectacular and well thought out.
Plot
A woman is caught in a tragic predicament. I don't want to be more specific, because your revelation of her sudden reality packs quite a punch. So I don't want to reveal it in a public review.
Setting
What I loved most was the contrast in what was being described. It was extremely poetic and made your words flow "like the warm torrents of rain cascading [around my mind]." Beautiful. I have a feeling I'll be rereading this story several times just to recapture the feeling of melancholy your words produced in me.
Dialog
Much of your dialog was implied by the character overhearing what was going on around her. The last line was spoken and it was sad but soothing. I loved it!
My reviews usually have suggestions for improvement. But this time I could find no fault. Show off! Another example of your many talents.
This concludes the Knight Chills review. Now I'll be visiting your friends port. Of course, this doesn't mean I will not be revisiting your port. There are too many gems in there to enjoy. Know this, I am one of your biggest fans on this site. Thank you for sharing your wonderful stories.
Nomar Knight
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Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your poem and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
Great topic. I liked the simple way you presented it. The future is an unsure thing but if you take care of business in the present the future will take care of itself. Now the past, it's best not to dwell there but a quick glance now and then is helpful so that we may learn to avoid the mistakes of old.
Favorite Part
I sit here now,
as I often do,
thinking of the future...
no limits...
no promises...
just endless hope.
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your poem and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
Wow! If more of us would heed your advice and pray instead of harbor on the past, they'd be more happy people in this world. A grudge would be a word you'd read in a dictionary.
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
Normally I would give my opinion about the story and suggest room for improvement but this little story has only inspired me to make a personal comment. So, I hope you don't mind.
I guess I should start by mentioning that one of the greatest gifts God has given us is the gift of reading. It's true we read to escape the mundane events that occur in every day life and through the written word, we live out new adventures. In your story, the main character is an avid fan of reading and is given the greatest book ever written. In it we find stories of amazing adventures and clashes with pure evil. We can even find stories of exorcisms, vampirism, and zombies. The main character of the New Testament possessed great power over those who were possessed by demonic forces. He asked his disciples to drink his Sacred Blood, and he even raised a person or two from the dead. It's amazing how much of an impact Jesus Christ has had on fiction and the written word.
I guess my point is that we spend so much time searching for what will make us happy, for what will entertain us, yet, we often overlook the greatest writer of all. So, I say to you: "thank you for reminding me that we should spend more time with the Sacred Book."
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
You have a true gift for story telling and I was mesmerized by your ability to show the scenes. However, I wouldn't be doing you any good if I didn't say, this story makes a good outline for a much larger piece of work. You crammed too much into this when it's obvious to me that you have the skills to nurture this story into at least, a novella. Nevertheless, you did a good job!
Favorite Part
that was his true ultimate punishment, a living soulless corpse, devoured slowly and relentlessly by maggots of guilt.
Creepy description, I loved it.
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Rebbecca had gone to visit her mother for a couple of days and he taken took advantage and invited friends over.
you look like hell” period after hell, before the quotation.
he clumsily tucks his shirt sudden change to present tense
Oddly enough he remembers the sudden change to present tense You do this sporadically. Also, you shift in point of view confusing me. I'd check and if you changed something like POV on purpose, then I would use a distinctive marker, like: or
really crowd you” comma after you and before the quotation mark
nothing would stand in it’s way. This man…monster, or so he thought, they all thought, deserved no mercy and they gave him none. This sentence confused the daylights out of me.
Another guard opened the door and smiled as both men walk through. He wouldn't smile, maybe look apologetic.
and hearthyphen stopping,
to many bodies, I noticed the use of "to" instead of "too" in a number of sentences.
Grammar and plot considerations aside, I think you're on to quite an intriguing story. I need to know what was the crime he was accused of and I'd love for you to describe it like only you can. I'd like a real resolution and I'd like other mysterious questions like other character's motivations to be answered. You see why this needs to be a book. Although your talents deserve for me to rate this higher, the fact that you have more work to do, warrants for me to give you the lower rating. So, please keep on writing. I look forward to reading more from you in the future.
Hi, this is Nomar. I thought your story was interesting so I wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
You touched on a painful theme. Abuse of any kind is a sad reality of life that many find themselves coping with throughout their lives. I wonder if it's even possible for those inner scars to heal. Well, at least you understand that it wasn't your fault. It was probably the fault of someone much older than the person who did the deed. Regardless, it was an important step towards healing you took when you decided to share your thoughts with us. I wish you the best and God Bless You!
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
This is a very sweet story of a child's first venture into the land of education. I wasn't crazy about my first day of school either, so I found it interesting that the little girl assumed a great leadership role. That's different so, good job!
Favorite Part
Letting go of my hand, she took a few tentative steps before stopping to glance back at me.
This action made what followed more realistic to accept, that's good
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text: The word "as" My Comment: Every writer has a word or phrase that we tend to use too often, I noticed than in this story, you favored the word "as" on a number of occasions. Perhaps you may be able to find an alternative for one or two of them. If not, no big deal since it didn't take away from your fine writing.
I'm sorry that I didn't spot any grammatical errors. You did an excellent job with this nice little story. Thanks for the sweet read.
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
Jeff, this was awesome! A pure lesson in what flash fiction should be. I love dark stories, and this one fit the bill perfectly.
Favorite Part
I don't want to spoil it, but the two sentences that featured your amazing plot twists.
Creepy and heart-wrenching.
Characters
Dr. Carmen Esposito, a coroner, wife and mother of two. Other bit players and the antagonist, which I shall keep to myself.
Plot
Great ride. Excellent twists. A must read for any WDC Dark or Horror fan.
Setting
The morgue, one of my favorite places for true horror.
Dialog
Very appropriate. In fact, painfully appropriate. My heart knocked around with the last one.
Sorry, I couldn't spot any errors. Figures.
I'm glad I decided to visit some of my favorite authors today. I'm going back to writing my story now, but I'm thankful to have visited your port tonight. As usual, you didn't disappoint my dark friend.
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your poetic story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
This was very short, but very deep and sad. I figured since you are having difficulty categorizing this as a short story or poem, why not just call it, a poetic story... with sincere emotion.
Favorite Part
She is trying to scream, but all she hears is the echoes in the dark.
Now that's poetry in motion.
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text: How much do you have to go through before you can have the pain released. My Comment: I suggest you change the period to a ?
Thank you for sharing this heartfelt poetic story. Welcome to WDC.
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
Hello Bill, this little gem was great, up until the end, then, you left me thirsting for more.
Favorite Part
And at that very moment, I wanted to jump across the table, drive a knee into his gut, and screw both hands around his scrawny neck.
It's funny how we meet a lot of our potential "fictional" victims in bars.
Characters
You created a character that readers love to hate and an interesting slick narrator as well.
Plot
I loved the concept, old city boy cuts down pain the neck know-it-all. But does he really do it?
Setting
Since it was a flash piece, you didn't waste much time on a detailed setting, but you described enough so that I could get a feel for two locations. Well done.
Dialog
You had some, simple and believable dialog. Thanks for keeping it real.
Sorry, I couldn't spot any mistakes in the piece. Figures.
Just thought I'd drop by your port and read one of your many gems. I am disappointed in the ending. You know me, I love a bloody mess and I didn't find that here. But you're still the best, dude.
You just did one of the most difficult things a writer can do. Capture mood, imagery and tell a story through the barest minimum of words in the tightest of structures for a poem. Awesome! I can't believe how you managed to capture the character's desperation and made it appear like you did it, with such ease.
Very well done! and Welcome to WDC
Catch you on the dark side.
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Pity. I wish I could be that scribe. 
I'm forever in your debt, my lovely princess.
or 
But you're still the best, dude.