"I was drawn back to the artifact after the strange assassination of the Pope. He wasn't exactly "murdered", but he was attacked in private. He claimed that it was a simple robbery, but his arms and legs were covered in cuts. He eventually became paranoid, constantly saying he had lost the key."
I like your story but this part is a little hazy. You mention the Pope's death but your use of the pronoun is unclear if you're referring to the Pope or the Main character's father. I know you go on to clarify a little better in the next paragraph, but this interfered with the logic process in my brain.
Otherwise, cool story. You're style is fluid and I like the way you describe the scene.
Cool! This very controversial topic was handled well. You build the tension beautifully. The ending,although predictable, seemed fitting. Good job on this short story.
The presentation of the story itself was different than what I'm used to, but you did a good job of maintaining my attention throughout the story. It seems like you can do more with this story since you create a scary world with mysterious creatures. The ending was disappointing because after you did a great job showing me your world, you ended it with the non dramatic line of "The world had ended." Otherwise, it was a good read.
Cool story, no doubt inspired by real life. I used to work the night shift and I know it's not as quiet as it should be. There are voices in the night, looking for someone to listen.
As usual, your stories awaken something inside me. They spark an awareness that I don't always want to face. But tonight, I needed to read something of great quality, so, I chose your portal again and you did not disappoint. Thank you.
It has been two days since I killed the psychiatrist, so now I have to move on.
This line confused the daylights out of me. Did you mean it metaphorically or was the psychiatrist suddenly a killer? Maybe it's just me, but this is too confusing. Apart from the ending, your narrative skills are good. I would have liked some actual showing, but it's your story so I have to go with your flow.
Suggestion: perhaps if you told this in conventional form, perhaps it would have a different ring to it. Anyway, keep writing.
“This is Great Canterbury!” my friend exclaimed, as he saw the excitement on my face.
“Wow,” I exclaimed dumbly to my crusader friend.
It's fine to change one "exclaimed" to said if you want to.
as I head (heard) the cry of a baby.
G-d,(did you mean God? Why not spell it out?)
You're a good story teller. You can incorporate sensory images a little more, but your ability to capture the reader's attention is exceptional. Good Show!
First of all, cool story as usual. I've been fascinated with all things supernatural, more specifically, contact with the other side. This story deals with the concept that I wrote in the story titled, "Captured", which I know from reading yours and experience, that it is no where near completed. I have to develop the characters. Anyway, have you ever received a phone call from the other side? I'm 42 and I always try to keep the door closed. If you know what I mean. I guess that's why I'm always writing about this stuff. As for your story, in one place you forgot the close command for italics. Otherwise, very entertaining. I enjoy reading your stories, they're well written and captivating. Catch you later.
I must find it to destroy it.
(How about, I must find and destroy it)
I fear that someone else will... and then all is lost
(Why not complete the sentence?)
was very tempting offer s/b= was (a) very tempting offer or was very tempting (omit offer)
your last line is missing closed quotation marks
I don't know. I'm an action guy. Too much dialogue that seems weighty. Is it necessary to show us this scene if it doesn't have action? This is your first chapter and your opening should be powerful.
You're a talented writer and I know you can do better. Oh, well, this is the beauty about writing. We keep on plugging and sweating until we get it write, right?
Let me know when you get around to making significant changes and I'll review it again. Take care.
Sollvelis heard a snap in nearby woods, followed by the scarcely discernible sound of creeping footsteps.
Reads better with a very slight modification:
Sollivelis heard a snap in (the) nearby woods, followed by (a) scarcely discernible sound of creeping footsteps.
As usual your gifted description of details paints a clear picture.
Just one question, I'm used to reading prologues that explain certain facts that may be too tedious and it usually lays the foundation for the setting and mood that your characters will face. Now keep in mind that I haven't read the rest of it yet and I'm not much of a fantasy novel kind of guy, but I wonder if you can entertain the idea of writing a prologue as a set up for us inexperienced fantasy readers so that we can fall in love with the genre. Just a thought. What do you think? Otherwise, I like the idea and it seems promising. I'll be in touch.
were it had been raised = (where) it had been raised
Aside from a few minor errors, your story is nice, exciting but definitely not completed. Also, if you changed the format from essay to short story, it would read better. But it is an excellent narrative essay.
You set it up with emotional struggle but then delivered more than just hope. I would have hoped for more revelation about the inner workings of a jilted lover. Do many women forget their lover as quickly as your main character did? Your a highly skilled writer but I felt that you could have delved more into her emotions, assuming you weren't limited by a word count. Still, the story flowed and you remind us that life goes on. Good Job!
To review this story with just one word would not be fair because then I would fail to mention your mastery of details, your sharp use of the senses, your amazing crisp development of characters, and your beautiful gift for story-telling. But if I were to review this story with one word it would be- WOW!
As a short piece your done. It was powerful, stunning, and quick. Now, if you want to do more with the character, I suggest you ask him and then wait until he reveals why he did it and what makes him tick. Another question would be who is his nemesis? If you can answer that, then you'll have a hell of a story. I hope I've been of some help. Let me know what happens next. Good job.
Considering the fact that your story is set in 2087, I found it remarkable that cosmetic technology (surgery) could not improve your main character's looks. Anyway, your control of the main character's POV was good. I hope you can develop her more and continue to add interesting nuances for the futuristic setting. I would have also liked for you to reveal details about her capture.
Overall, I think you did a great job drawing sympathy for your character but I would like to get to know more about her and the world she lives in, in particular, Naix and their control on society.
It was a good read. Keep writing. I like your style.
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