Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your poem and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
Draco, first of all, I want to thank you for giving me credit. All I did was give you an idea and a little encouragement, but you did all the work. Nevertheless, thank you for sharing this great little poem!
Favorite Parts
I was impressed with your opening verses. I especially enjoyed: Dusting negativity I could just see the person brushing off all the negative energy that surrounds him. Cool line.
Here's another:
Climbing the ropes
Search the horizon
And leave those dopes.
I loved that after all the hardship, that you ended it with a fighter's approach. We should never let all of the hard things defeat us. Great message my friend. Write on!
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text: Leaving disparity
To carry the ball. My Comment: Perhaps letting would be a better word than leaving
Keep in mind that this is your poem and no matter what I or anyone else suggests, you are the one that decides what's best for your poem. Keep writing more things just like this.
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your poem and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
Peaches, this poem sent a powerful message. Poems that deal with real personal horrors, like being abandoned by one parent and ignored by the other, register with many readers.
Favorite Parts
She turned into a blazing fire
Here's another:
With the cockroaches crawling around
Dirt and grime plastered against the walls
I don't even know if it could possibly be a home
These are great images that help to bring your topic into focus.
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that any suggestions I make are to help you write at your best.
I noticed a minor error in wording: More that than anything else
Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poem.
Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I enjoyed this piece. I have no doubt that this poem will cause many readers to reflect and hopefully be aware that not every child reveals their true living conditions. Thanks for the eye-opening read. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!
Hi, this is Nomar. Excellent story my friend and I wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
I loved the authentic New York City flavoring you gave this tale.
Favorite Parts
You had some great lines in this story. For example:
The plan was simple, I'll give it that, but simple and lousy isn't a hell of a lot better than complex and lousy - just less strain on the brain.
Here's another:
Slim grinned like he'd solved the Times crossword puzzle in ten minutes rather than watching too many Looney Tunes on Saturday morning.
And my favorite:
"Johnny? Slim? What the hell are the two of you doing in those idiotic masks? I especially enjoyed the last line of this paragraph.
These are great, active images that not only bring your story to life, but add narrative flavor that only you can bring to a story. Kool!
Characters
The POV Character was a typical desperate soul who was too dumb to listen to good reason. The female character stole the show. I liked her. She reminded me of my feistiest cousin. Also from Brooklyn.
Plot
I enjoyed the ride. I liked your ending. Very creative.
Setting
You did a good job of making the setting like another character. The ambiance unique to New York came through surprisingly well considering this piece is pretty short.
Dialog
No words wasted here. Every word worked towards character development and moved the story forward beautifully.
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that any suggestions I make are to help you write at your best.
which should have warned me away right. I think you may have transposed the last two words. It reads better: which should have warned me right away.
Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.
Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. I have no doubt that this story will entertain many readers. Thanks for the fun read. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your poem and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
I like poems about mystical creatures. You chose an interesting venue. Thanks for sharing this good poem!
Favorite Parts
Your words paint a vivid picture. For example: Screams of pain and agony, reach the heavens and earth.
Here's another:
Wings black as the night sky, feathers fall as he fly's high to escape.
These are great descriptions that invoke the senses.
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that any suggestions I make are to help you write at your best.
The demons hidw (hide) in the shadows, fearing him.
Wings black as the night sky, feathers fall as he fly's high to escape. (You may want to type fly's as flies.
Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poem.
Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I enjoyed this piece. I have no doubt that this poem will cause many readers to reflect about a number of themes, one of which is the separation of two loves. Thanks for the fun read. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text: Scrambling up an tree next... My Comment: minor tiff, I like the article "a" better.
Your text: Coming up for air, he saw people scrambling to get ouot of the way. My Comment: minor spelling error, "out"
Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.
Overall Impressions
Normally I would comment about the use of passive voice and the use of adverbs like "Finally" but you told this wonderful story well and your target audience would understand it better, plus the few adverbs you used would help them learn paragraph connectors for writing essays, so I like your keeping them.
Thanks for sharing this story. I enjoy reading stories about humorous family events and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!
Nomar Knight in affiliation with Sitewide Care Review
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your item and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
I'm glad you shared something special about your wonderful experiences here at WDC. This truly is a place where magic happens. There are so many great people on this site. I'm glad you were touched by one of the many angels here.
Thanks for sharing this item. It's good to read something about true positive experiences. You reminded me that not all things in life are bad. Thank you.
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
It's not often that a flash piece makes me ponder questions dealing with morality. Normally, poems do that, but not a short story of this size. So, I'm glad I read this story.
Favorite Part
My doctor informed me I could never have a baby, and my husband Jake decided to leave me after two years of marriage. He placed a note in the mailbox;
Jake is a real loser.
Characters
You got me to hate a minor character. Then you got me to ponder about your protagonist. Good job.
Plot Very good, but I would have liked more description. I know it was a flash story, but you could probably write a book off this story premise.
Setting
Poorly developed because you didn't have enough of a venue to do it, so, I forgive you.
Dialog
The only dialog revealed something cold about your character.
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.
Show or Tell I noticed you used some passive voice and you told the story well, but I would have liked to see a lot more showing. By showing your characters in motion, interacting with one another in word and deed, your story comes alive in your reader's imagination. Naturally, you probably felt restricted by that dreaded word count limit. Oh well.
Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.
Overall Impressions
I liked the story because it left me questioning what I would have done in that situation. The toughest thing, I hate to admit it, but I probably would have done the same thing. But then again, I wonder if I would even dare. You have to have some nerves of steel (steal). Tough call. Thanks for the story and the morality check.
I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!
Nomar Knight in affiliation with Sitewide Care Review
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
Diane, thanks to you I'll never see Humpty Dumpty the same way again. Thanks for sharing this great little story!
Favorite Parts
You kept the narration crisp and easy to read. Excellent!
Normally I would provide a favorite quote here, but I don't want to take the chance and spoil this cool story for anyone. I liked the whole thing, especially the getting high scene.
Extremely well written. My only complaint is that you didn't clear up what happened to some of my other favorite characters. Great story!
Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. I have no doubt that this story will entertain many readers. Thanks for the fun read. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
I'm a big Poe fan so I liked what you did with one of his best poems and how you tied pieces of it to the story. Well done.
Favorite Part
Every year thereafter, she received rose water and a dozen roses.
Nice touch, very romantic.
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text: He thoughts kept drifting back to his beloved. My Comment: I believe you want "His" instead of "He"
Show or Tell I noticed you opted to keep the passive voice and you told the story well, but I would have liked to see a lot more showing. By showing your characters in motion, interacting with one another in word and deed, your story comes alive in your reader's imagination.
Past Perfect Tense. Almost always the word "had" both puts one in passive voice and is unnecessary. For example,
She had worn an ankle length champagne-colored dress that she had made herself.
I noticed that you had a large case of the "hads" in this story but I understand that your narrator was reminiscing about the past. Still, I enjoyed the story anyway because you are a good storyteller.
Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.
Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. I have no doubt that this story will entertain many Poe fans. Thanks for the fun read. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your poem and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
Nikki Barbaree , First of all, I seem to have a fixation with eyes. Maybe because they reveal what the person doesn't want to. Anyway, I love poems that invoke an emotion out of me. This made me reflect about the importance of reading people, in the hopes of reaching them, and hopefully, making a difference in their lives. Thanks for sharing this great little poem!
Favorite Parts
Your questions posed leave the reader thinking. For example: Your eyes, while stunningly beautiful, portray a pain deeper than any can see. It's amazing how sometimes even the most beautiful people are tormented deep within.
Here's another:
What's behind your bright smile and young face?
Is there a history that no one knows?
Or are there just emotions that no one can ever know? No matter how much we want to keep our feelings locked inside, sometimes it's better to share our pain with someone else. When we do, it's like a huge weight lifted off our entire being.
These are great, inquisitive thoughts that help to bring your topic into focus.
Form
You chose a non-traditional format. Your main emphasis wasn't on form, but on substance. Mission Accomplished!
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that any suggestions I make are to help you write at your best.
While I liked that you posed interesting and thought provoking questions, I would have liked to see less questions and more answers. Here's another example I liked in lieu of the questions:
"Your piercing blue eyes could scare most away." You revealed more when you stuck to the statement format as opposed to just asking questions.
Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poem.
Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I enjoyed this piece. I have no doubt that this poem will cause many readers to ponder the thoughtful theme you posed. Thanks for the fun read. Welcome to WDC. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your poem and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
Rebel Girl, I love poems that invoke an emotion out of me. This made me reflect about the importance of being a parent and why when one is blessed to be one, we should never run away from our responsibilities. This piece certainly fits the mark!! Thanks for sharing this great little poem!
Favorite Parts
Your questions posed leave the reader thinking. For example: They say she was a free spirit It's amazing how society finds ways to try and soften the blow. Free Spirit indicates irresponsible because she doesn't know any better. Personally, I think this is a cop-out. Anyway, I loved this choice of wording.
Here's another:
I loved your entire 4th stanza. We need to focus not on what we don't have, but what we do have and can lose anytime. Great stanza.
These are great, inquisitive thoughts that help to bring your topic into focus.
Form
Simple, easy to read format.
Rhythm
It doesn't follow any set pattern or meter.
Rhyme
The rhyme has its flaws. For example: the words- "down and found" aren't really true rhymes.
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that any suggestions I make are to help you write at your best.
I liked your choice of key words. It would have been nice if you would have chosen a specific meter. Perhaps iambic pentameter, but I liked that you wrote from your heart. My favorite line was the last one, which I don't want to reveal since this is a public review.
Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poem.
Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I enjoyed this piece. I have no doubt that this poem will cause many readers to ponder the thoughtful theme you posed. Thanks for the fun read. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!
Cute! But your last paragraph makes me wonder if you got the date right.
"Gentle Readers, ordinarily this humble reporter would lie to you, but today is a day that will live in the memories of us all and it is time for truth, "I'm not wearing underpants."'
You dated it, August 19, 2007. Are you sure this didn't happen on April 1, 2007?
I wish I had the ability to be funny when writing. Alas, I'm only good at it when it's spontaneous and verbally. You have a cool talent. Write on!
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your poem and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
Alexors, I liked your attempt to unmask the mask. Well, I like any poem that gets me to reflect on something personal. This one certainly fits the mark!! Thanks for sharing this nice little poem!
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that any suggestions I make are to help you write at your best.
Each step she takes is a pretence,
And underneath her muscles tense.
I believe you have a false rhyme. You're trying to match a two syllable word with a one syllable. The rhythm you established earlier was shattered by this attempt.
As soon the cracks begin to show,
I think you can omit the "As" and start the line with "Soon" For example: Soon the cracks begin to show, (It still reads nice this way)
Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poem.
Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I enjoyed this piece. I have no doubt that this poem will cause many readers to ponder about what lies inside a dark soul. Thanks for the fun read. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!
Hi, this is Nomar. Welcome to WDC and congratulations on being a new author. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
I love stories that keep me glued to my seat, especially those with cool endings. This one certainly fits the mark!! Thanks for sharing this great little story!
Favorite Parts
Your descriptions and your narrative skills were impressive in this story. For example:
It looked out of place, wedged in a rocky outcropping amongst the windswept dune grass. Great opening sentence establishing intrigue right away.
Here's another:
Up and down she flew, carried aloft by the boundless energy of youth, and borne earthward again with the relentless pull of gravity, but eventually, tired and sweaty, she threw herself down on the hot sand and let the sea breeze blow across her, hidden in the field of stalky grass for only the dragon flies to see. I love the imagery but somehow, I think you could break this long sentence into a few shorter ones.
And my favorite:
Is your last sentence which I do not want to write here so as not to spoil it for others.
These are great, active images that help to bring your story to life. Plus, your smooth delivery made me think that all was well with life, just someone littering nature.
Characters
The POV Character a seagull. You did a good job with personification in this story.
Plot
I enjoyed the story because it's about an animal that comes across something unknown, and is intrigued enough to play with it and see what makes it tick. Excellent!
Setting
The setting was a beach or someplace similar.
Dialog
You made me wait till the end, but it was worth it because you used it to reveal the best part of your story.
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that any suggestions I make are to help you write at your best.
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text: She traced the markings gently with her finger, following the pattern of marks, and was surprised to see the handle move slightly. My Comment: I must take issue with your use of the word finger. I don't recall seagulls having those.
Your text: Another sentence is towards the end. I don't want to give away the particulars. My Comment: But I loved the irony behind it.
Show or Tell I noticed you opted to keep the passive voice and you told the story well, but I would have liked to see a lot more showing. By showing your characters in motion, interacting with one another in word and deed, your story comes alive in your reader's imagination.
Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs
The road to hell is paved with adverbs.
. I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.
Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.
Overall Impressions
I liked the easy pacing and I loved the wonderful ending. I truly did not see it coming. I just wished you showed more than you told. Also, I wanted more. Nevertheless, this is a good story. Welcome to WDC and please keep writing things just like this.
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
Kotaro, I love horror stories, especially those with powerful endings. This one certainly fits the mark!! Thanks for sharing this great little story!
Favorite Parts
I enjoyed your descriptions in this story. For example:
...the last wisps of gray clouds framing the halo of the retired sun. Cool picture.
Here's another:
He blinked hard, yet he couldn't get rid of the image that she glided as she progressed down the street. Spooky. I had other favorites but I don't want to spoil it for anyone wanting to read this good story.
These are great, active images that help to bring your story to life. Plus, you presented an edginess that made this all the more chilling.
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that any suggestions I make are to help you write at your best.
Adverbs. As for the overuse of adverbs: You did a good job limiting them in this story. A sure signal that you love to show more than tell.
Past Perfect Tense. I saw more passive voice than I would have liked. As good as this story was, I have no doubt you can make it better if you replace some of the "had and was" verbs with more power verbs. Nevertheless, your narrative skills made this story chilling. Well done!
Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.
Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. I have no doubt that this story will entertain many horror fans. Thanks for the fun read. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
Hello again Alex, thanks for entering the contest and for providing an entertaining read.
Favorite Parts
Sometimes 94 seemed like a separate entity, a monster unto itself, drawing victims in to its deadly claws.
Nice simile and heads up to the impending danger.
Perhaps they wondered why such cruelty ruled the world; the boy reeked of this horrible knowledge, the titanic black man a physical manifestation of it.
Awesome description befitting the mood you established.
Characters John Roberts, his wife Laura, elderly couple, male student, "big black man"
Plot A man loses all hope when life provides him with deep misery, releasing the monster within.
Setting a city's public transportation (bus)
Dialog Zero dialog. Characterization was displayed by the narrator's thoughts in italics.
Rules!
What I'll be Looking for!
1. Creativity: Excellent use of a provocative element for conflict.
2. Spelling/grammar: Well written.
3. Originality: Wonderful play on possible real life event.
4. Scare Factor- 1= not scary 2= somewhat scary 3= pretty scary 4= So scary I won't sleep for a week!
Scare Rating:2
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.
Show or Tell I noticed you opted to keep the passive voice and you told the story well, but I would have liked to see a lot more showing. By showing your characters in motion, interacting with one another in word and deed, your story comes alive in your reader's imagination.
Adverbs. You know I have a thing against the overuse of adverbs so I won't get into detail. I noted that you wrote the piece last year and like me I hope you're working on limiting them.
Past Perfect Tense. Almost always the word "had" both puts one in passive voice and is unnecessary. For example,
The driver had a kindly old man's face, a warm smile, and his voice was melodious when he said his good morning.
The kind old man behind the wheel sparkled and said his good morning as if whistling a happy tune.
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text: Next a student that went to the school opposite John's old workplace. My Comment: Fragment: Next (entered) a student that went to the school opposite John's old workplace.
Your text: Nervousness plagued him, uneasiness. My Comment: Feels incomplete or perhaps the last word is not necessary. How about: Nervousness plagued him.(Nothing else is needed since nervousness and uneasiness are synonyms.)
Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.
Overall Impressions
I liked the built up to the cool ending. I just wished you showed more than you told. Nevertheless, this is a good entry. Good luck with the contest and happy writing.
Thanks for sharing this item and entering "In the Darkness." I enjoy reading horror and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
Jaye, I love stories where the character goes through a difficult but necessary event and learns something from their experience. This one certainly fits the mark!! Thanks for sharing this nice little story!
Favorite Parts
Your descriptions are easy and clear in this story. For example:
I stand quietly, listening to the comforting sound of his voice. A feeling of peace washes over me. I just have to keep trying. He believes I can do it – and so do I. “I’m ready to go on now.”
Here's another:
He’s there – somewhere ahead – watching me. I can feel it. He’s there, smiling when I keep in the middle of the path, frowning a little when I get into the brambles and watching compassionately when I stumble and fall.
These are great, active images that help to bring your story to life. Plus, I liked the way you kept the descriptions simple, like a child learning something for the first time.
Characters
A blind child who's learning how to venture on a trail for the first time.
Plot
The horror of being blind and having to cope in a seeing man's world is frightening but with effort and faith, one can accomplish anything. Excellent!
Setting
A path that the character must learn to go through. Symbolically significant too, clever.
Dialog
No words wasted here. Every word worked towards character development and moved the story forward beautifully.
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that any suggestions I make are to help you write at your best.
Your words: It feel good to stop struggling, to pause and not worry if my next step will send me crashing down again. Perhaps It'd feel good... or It would feel good... would sound better.
Your words: He believes I can do it - and so do I. As long as he’s there, guiding me with his voice, I can make it.
I'm not sure I'd put the - before a conjunction, a comma should do fine. But the line was indeed worth repeating.
Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs
The road to hell is paved with adverbs.
. I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. I've noticed that in some of your other pieces you favor the adverb "slowly"- something to consider. I know I'm guilty of the same sin, but I'm working on it too.
Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.
Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!
Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your poem and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
Peaches, you brought up an interesting topic in your poem. I recall going through the exact same thoughts when I raced cross country track. It's amazing how sports emulates real life. I enjoy poems that cause me to stop and reflect and this one certainly fits the mark!! Thanks for sharing this great little poem!
Favorite Parts
Your take on isolation creates a "me against the world" mentality. For example: On the way,
Bitter smiles
Evil grins
Looking to see what will do the trick,
Here's another:
Looking into the distance,
Crowds cheering for who?
Not me
I’m all alone in this
No one with me
Just alone
These are great, inquisitive thoughts that help to bring your topic into focus.
Form
Simple elegant format and good attempt to stick to a dominant meter although, you may need to cut some more. Rhythm
Again a good attempt at consistency. For the most part you accomplished it but still, more tweaking needs to be done.
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that any suggestions I make are to help you write at your best.
I believe you went for a conveying a powerful message by sticking to a shorter meter. Perhaps, if you changed to iambic pentameter, you may have more of an impact. Nevertheless, you still managed to deliver the message powerfully.
Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poem.
Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I enjoyed this piece. I have no doubt that this poem will cause many readers to think about life by looking back to the past. Thanks for the fun read. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!
Amazing how you captured the child's voice. I thought your technique of mostly past tense, but ending each paragraph in present tense would be a little risky since I don't recall seeing that done, but you pulled it off beautifully. I'm not sure I'm ready for that though, it's too advanced for me. Even as I write this, that disturbing child's voice haunts me. Such a simple and elegant story and yet, that voice. Fantastic my friend. I'll be reading some of your longer works. So I'll be in touch. (told you, never a review like yours- you're one of a kind)
Excellent. I didn't see the ending coming. Now, I wonder if that character, after 20 years of marriage, will still think the penny was lucky. Very entertaining story. Thanks for the fun read.
Fantastic, fantastic, fantastic. More please. The narrator's tone, wonderfully dark and alluring. You drew me in instantly by your vivid description. Great job on the prologue, can't wait to see what chapter one holds. Please, keep writing and let me know when you post chapter one.
Thank you for taking me to your favorite place, your garden of miracles. Your poem took me back to a time when all I ever wanted to do was long for freedom from my dangerous surroundings. Somehow, I survived the rough streets and the negativity that tries to weigh us down. Somehow, you managed to capture the sense of triumph, which is my current state. For this I thank you. Keep providing, one miracle at a time.
First, I liked the way you described events and everything seems pretty clear. Now, I noticed that you combined Drama, screenplay narration, with short story. I'm not sure it's a good idea. Next, I noticed that you had trouble with some minor grammar, like forgetting to place periods, although you did a good job placing pauses in the proper places. Then, I saw some unnecessary descriptive clauses in sentences that in story format, don't need any, but in drama format, do, for example:
“Some day” he vowed aloud to himself “I will .make her proud” he nodded to himself “I will pay her back”
How about: "Some day I will make her proud," he nodded and vowed, "I will pay her back."
Although I think the dialogue speaks for itself.
Otherwise, it's a nice story. I hope I was of some help.
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Dusting negativity 
