This is a pretty good story and one that anyone who has worked at a convenience store at night can relate to. And to think that good dental hygiene was the fellow's downfall! There are a few minor punctuation problems and a couple of cases of missing letters. The story holds interest and seems very plausible. The reader agrees with John's decision to look for other employment but we enjoy the little jokes he makes about the situation.
The worst thing about the backshift, though John I think you meant "thought John"
It had been little more than an hour before whn the man first entered when?
The man had felt different "Punk kid," he said as he shuffled towards the door, " You haven't heard the last of this!" he shouted as he left. Period after different and door?
I absolutely love the line "Smug as canned ham" and for me, that description brings the poem to life. The poem is full of descriptive terms that build an attitude that the reader can feel -"struts", "slam doors", "bucket over his head so closed-minded". I enjoyed the vigorous and lively run to the bottom of the page.
I wish I could express how wonderful and refreshing it is to run across a really fine poem while clicking through "Read & Review". I doubt I could express it as well as you have expressed the deep yearning for true companionship and love, looking for the one who is looking for you and the longing to meet that one. I have no edits to suggest or word choice to question. The poem does what a poem should do, indeed, what any example of art should do - it impacts the reader on an emotional level. Thank you for the poetic oasis in my review desert.
I enjoyed this for a few reasons. I know those paths and dirt roads that wind through woods and wild places with stone boundary lines and tall trees. One can easily understand these places as a refuge. But I also liked that when you returned to find it all developed and changed, you still found a way to make a connection to the trees that remained. This is just a personal preference, but if I had one suggestion, it would be to incorporate some space. If you felt there were any places where a line break and a little white space might naturally occur (such as when thoughts change from one memory to another) I think that might aid me the reader and also put more emphasis on the different phases of the poem.
I loved this hairy horror tale wrapped up in a cautionary tale turned into a crazy grandpa tale. And who could not love a story about guinea pigs? Very well done, well-written, great to read aloud - too bad my kids are grown up now. I was shakin' in my boots, considering getting a carrot for protection from the veggie-munching hordes. Thanks for a fun read.
What a shocking story! I found you through "Read a Newbie". Something of a newbie myself but would like to say "welcome". I like the way we don't know that the man dies until the final line, it gives it more punch. Keep writing!
This is good flash fiction. At first, we believe that Alyssa is grieving over being dumped by Tom. Her actions and demeanor are convincing. Then we hear the phone message and all our assumptions are up-ended. I appreciate a flash fiction that surprises me and one that gives me a full and rich vision of the story while still being economical with words. That you did this in fewer than 300 words is impressive.
Your poem "Honor" reminds us all of the great sacrifices our veterans have made and still make for us today and encourages us to reflect on the great price they've paid to secure our liberty. I enjoyed the sentiments and the serious nature of this poem. Thank you for sharing.
The concept of the story is a fresh one and the story has what I think every flash fiction needs to be successful - a twist. You lead us to believe this will be a story about alien abduction but then pull the rug out from under our assumptions and instead we see a visit to the dentist through the eyes of an unwilling patient. Very amusing. One possible typo- was "I was lying of a table" supposed to be "on a table"?
This is a lovely poem in which your perceptions of God in nature are phrased in very expressive imagery. In fact, the imagery and language is so strong in stanzas 2,3,4,and 6, that the similes in the first and fifth stanza seem more timid in expression. That is, you say the trees stand tall, reach to heaven and sway. You declare the flowers dance and wave their petals. These are great ways to describe what we observe and to give meaning to their actions. It reminds me of the verse in Isaiah 55- "all the trees of the field shall clap their hands". But the use of the word "like" in the 1st and 5th stanzas weaken your creative imagery. If I had any advice to give at all, it would be to believe more in your imagery and remove the "like". That is, instead of "Like a mighty trumpet in God's ear" say "They are a mighty trumpet..." etc. In the first, just let the breeze be God whispering. I hope you understand my comments. I think your poem is very good and more confidence in your metaphors will make it perfect. I enjoyed reading it very much.
This is a perfect Senryu. The last line is perfect in the way it captures the absurdity of human nature and our imperfect choices. I am very impressed as both haiku and senryu are so often done by those who do not truly understand the forms and their purposes.
That's quite a thrilling tale! And I am glad that I will never come face to face with lions, because I am also untrained in how to handle that situation. You tell it well and give plenty of detail. If I had one question it would be the "Lori". Do you mean a truck? If so, should that be "lorry"? Keep writing your adventures, especially if they are all this interesting.
A heartwarming story of two very different individuals learning to share space and live in harmony. Thanks for sharing this tale from which we could all learn a lesson. Of course, we do see that in nature, one tree is home to many different creatures. Your poem makes is think about the relationships in nature.
A cute story with a happy ending. I like the way you used Carly as the link to the future, because otherwise we might forget about Carly as soon as she falls back to sleep. A nice way to use the innocence of childhood to showcase true caring, friendship and love. Personally, I love writing flash fiction, but I don't think I ever wrote a happy ending so this was refreshing.
The feelings of pain and abandonment come through very strongly in this piece. As I read it, I meet the child who has so many questions, and who wonders why his father didn't love him enough to stay with him. The poem takes us into anger and bitterness but in the end, saves us through the grace bestowed by a better Father, one who cares and does not leave. Excellent story-telling with an uplifting ending. I understand why the repeat of looking "up to the window" comes at the end to bring us full circle, but I can't help wanting to hear the reason for the change in your life (good marriage, good relationship with children) before we see the evidence of it. That is, I wonder if it might make for a better flow if the last two stanzas came before "I am older now...etc.." That way we see the different father at the window, then the difference in how that father behaves affects the way the child, now grown, behaves. Just a thought, the poem still works either way.
I enjoyed how the regrets and feelings of futility were expressed through the description of the falling of the leaves. A reminder of mortality, but also the need to feel that life counted and the fear of having no purpose. I understand the feeling of trailing thoughts conveyed through the use of the ellipse(...), but it can be overused, especially as many of the lines already have punctuation.
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