So sad, and yet, not sad. A lovely telling of the relationship between grandparent and grandchild. Having worked with older adults for many years, I know that the contact and relationships are the most important things. This leaves us with a "What if" and yet we know that it all happened just as it was meant to be. A last act of giving that brought joy is not bad way to end a life or a poem.
I could relate to this piece, having been a caregiver for a grandparent in my teen years, and then later in life, watched my father's agile mind deteriorate until the confusion robbed him of any autonomy and dignity. You tell a story familiar to many with compassion and honesty.
Minor suggestions for improvement would be to fix the typo from "quite" to "quiet": "If we're very quite they'll pass by and not notice us."
Inserting some space between the paragraphs that follow gives the reader's eyes a little ease.
A moving story that lets us experience the emotional impact of the situation. Well done.
I really felt the summer heat on my feet as I read this descriptive piece, in fact, I nearly sent you some flip-flops. A lot of atmosphere conveyed in those tightly controlled syllables. Nice response to the prompt, well done and congrats on the win.
This is an effective use of the second person POV, something that is difficult to pull off. Because the reader is addressed directly, the reader is forced to be the main character and to "experience" the action in the story. For this short story, it works very well.
The piece is well-titled as the story takes the character from experience to experience, finally settling her in a place that is neither heaven nor hell, but much like reality, it has both in it.
A few suggestions you are free to ignore as this is just my opinion:
In the second paragraph the word "gives" appears a few too many times. He gives you the warmest of hugs and the sweetest cuddles. He whispers promises that could make you swoon. He gives you forehead kisses like he was the knight protecting you from bad dreams. He gives you affectionate pats and meaningful advice. He cooks you food and gives you drinks
Perhaps you could replace "gives" with another verb in one or two places, such as - "he wraps you in the warmest of hugs" or "he cooks you food and mixes your drinks" or some other descriptive verbs you prefer.
Due to your insistence of drinking sleeping pills just to reach a slumber, I feel like there's a verb missing. I would change it to "insistence on drinking and taking sleeping pills" or "due to your insistence on consuming both alcohol and sleeping pills" or something similar.
He was the type to wait no matter how long it would take for you to warm up to him because you got all e I don't like "got". I think because you "have" or even "had" all eternity sounds better.
Again, these are just suggestions that I think would make this good piece just a little easier to read for your audience. The ideas behind this piece are imaginative and well-expressed. I enjoyed reading it and it gives me much to think about. I wonder if the character has finally reached that in-between state through pills and drink, ending up in a permanent state of sleep, or coma? I may be wrong, but it feels that way to me.
I probably shouldn't like poems about suicide but this one reads like a Woody Allen description with not just abject defeatism, but also some dark humor peppered with interesting facts (such as how fast a body will fall).
I particularly liked: Concrete reality
Certain lethality
Flat and smooth
Brutal efficiency
To be abused
From this height
and Life brought me here
I will let myself down…
As well as Melodramatic
Is the fool
Who stands here
Relaying the facts
With regard to
All that he has done
Because, you couldn't really do a suicide without melodrama. Whether or not the suicidal one has ample reasons or only reasons that others don't consider serious, they have to reach the height of melodrama in the mind and assessment of the suicidal person.
Overall, some interesting insights and unique approach.
A very touching poem with a lot of emotional impact. The questions that haunt those left behind when a loved one commits suicide, they are never answered. A brave poem that lays it all bare for the reader to see.
This is an honest, moving story that, although it deals with a somber subject, leaves the reader with a smile. A realistic, but gentle treatment of an experience we all face eventually and the very human ability to both smile and cry through it.
I like the way the third stanza brings a stark reality in to strip away the magic of the first two scenes and replaces the idealized blush of dawn with the soot that bleeds the color from the day. The descriptions paint the picture and the imagery rings true with the reader. Nicely done.
This is a powerful poem full of honest emotion. I can relate to the experiences and feelings detailed in the first part of the poem and felt uplifted by the ending. I enjoyed reading this.
I just knew they would eventually discover what a good team they made! The meter is steady and the rhymes enjoyable without being cloying or sing-song-y (is that a word?). A tasty little poem about friendship,teamwork and the sum being more than its parts. I enjoyed this tale in rhyme. Thanks.
Pretty good concept for a story with a surprise ending. Ants in lines is believable as they are extremely organized creatures. I wondered why if the narrator could find the body so easily, the family couldn't. Or perhaps that is the point? A mystery that is both solved and yet deepened at the same time. A few issues with tenses need to be cleaned up but that is a minor concern.
The powerful emotional impact of this poem may initially distract the reader from its masterful use of language and consistent imagery through the ocean/sailing metaphors, from sudden storms to the doldrums and the shallows and the double meanings that express this helpless time of life exactly as in "washed up and beached". Wonderful, evocative, painful portrait of the human condition.
I really liked this story, it has a certain cheeky surreal approach to fiction, and the reader is not required to have any relationship with reality at all. It reminds me of a story I once wrote about mayonnaise and time travel. I don't think many people understand the intricacies of science fiction cuisine. I might assume that the bolded words are the prompts, but I don't think that knowledge is necessary or even helpful. I would rather just enjoy the story and try to live with the final image of Mark eating spaghetti wherever he could find it haunting my evening meal. Great stuff.
This is a very amusing poem. The tone is friendly, the imagery and the situations are accessible and relatable to the reader. The rhyme scheme is consistent and it flows well. A poem of excuses could be a very useful thing to have if one is ever called upon to go to the gym. I enjoyed reading this.
Now that's the kind of ending that puts the twist in plot twist. Teaches you also to never do anything on a dare, never trust a small boy and don't mess with trolls - even if you think they don't exist. Nearly an Aesop's fable. Very good, thanks for the link.
You paint a poignant scene, allowing us to experience Mrs. Johnson's thoughts and visions as she slips beyond this life. It's an interesting concept, unique. We are given vignettes from her memories which show us that the highlights of her life and memory are the people that she loved and her enjoyment of nature. I think we can all relate to those feelings of nostalgia for the simple but lovely things in life.
My main impression is that you may give too much description. It is hard to resist telling all the colors you see in a beautiful sunrise for instance, but if you give the reader everything then it doesn't spark his imagination. If you can engage his imagination then he will paint the scene in his head with your words. If you give the reader the impression of a rambunctious puppy, he will see many of the things you describe about it without being told each one specifically. I would choose two or three of those descriptive phrases to bring the puppy to life in the imagination of the reader.
I also felt that the memories and visions ought to stay as close to Mrs Johnson as possible. This is her life drifting peacefully in front of our eyes, and I think that closeness and relationship to the scenes depicted is strained when we follow sunrise North to South or the sky mirroring into puddles on roadways. I can see that you are setting up the larger world around her and then pulling it down to just her small part of it, but I think the piece is strongest when we are engulfed in her memories, experiencing actual moments and feelings from her life. We want to know her and we learn about her from the memories and sensations she is sharing with us.
The piece begins with a joyful feeling and ends slightly melancholy, which is right for your subject. The contrast of the rain and the hush over the funeral with the sunshine and lively chatter of children and neighbors in her life's memories is a nice touch and the difference is felt by the reader rather than perceived.
I liked the concept and the piece is well-ordered and constructed. The reader feels the joy of those lovely memories and the mourning of those who have lost this important character in their lives. We feel the difference that one life makes in many others.
This is a very well-written story that creates its world in a vibrant and evocative way. The dialogue is creative and helps us get to know Nifery and Jimmery (love the character names). The capture of a memory to use as bait is a lovely touch. But of course, Time cannot be held captive, a lesson we all have to learn. Lovely. Just a question - do you mean cookie "dow"? or should it be "dough"?
This is a pretty good story and one that anyone who has worked at a convenience store at night can relate to. And to think that good dental hygiene was the fellow's downfall! There are a few minor punctuation problems and a couple of cases of missing letters. The story holds interest and seems very plausible. The reader agrees with John's decision to look for other employment but we enjoy the little jokes he makes about the situation.
The worst thing about the backshift, though John I think you meant "thought John"
It had been little more than an hour before whn the man first entered when?
The man had felt different "Punk kid," he said as he shuffled towards the door, " You haven't heard the last of this!" he shouted as he left. Period after different and door?
I absolutely love the line "Smug as canned ham" and for me, that description brings the poem to life. The poem is full of descriptive terms that build an attitude that the reader can feel -"struts", "slam doors", "bucket over his head so closed-minded". I enjoyed the vigorous and lively run to the bottom of the page.
I enjoyed this pretty winter's tale about a snowflake and how it reminds us of the many ways and places snow decorates our lives and our world. The snowflake is given free will but submits to the will of his Creator.A beautiful allegory about finding your place in the world and about contentment.
I wish I could express how wonderful and refreshing it is to run across a really fine poem while clicking through "Read & Review". I doubt I could express it as well as you have expressed the deep yearning for true companionship and love, looking for the one who is looking for you and the longing to meet that one. I have no edits to suggest or word choice to question. The poem does what a poem should do, indeed, what any example of art should do - it impacts the reader on an emotional level. Thank you for the poetic oasis in my review desert.
I enjoyed this for a few reasons. I know those paths and dirt roads that wind through woods and wild places with stone boundary lines and tall trees. One can easily understand these places as a refuge. But I also liked that when you returned to find it all developed and changed, you still found a way to make a connection to the trees that remained. This is just a personal preference, but if I had one suggestion, it would be to incorporate some space. If you felt there were any places where a line break and a little white space might naturally occur (such as when thoughts change from one memory to another) I think that might aid me the reader and also put more emphasis on the different phases of the poem.
I loved this hairy horror tale wrapped up in a cautionary tale turned into a crazy grandpa tale. And who could not love a story about guinea pigs? Very well done, well-written, great to read aloud - too bad my kids are grown up now. I was shakin' in my boots, considering getting a carrot for protection from the veggie-munching hordes. Thanks for a fun read.
You put forth some uplifting thoughts. Fresh starts and resets, sounds like you have a good attitude on life. I hope we can all learn to reset and get a new start daily. Thanks for sharing.
What a shocking story! I found you through "Read a Newbie". Something of a newbie myself but would like to say "welcome". I like the way we don't know that the man dies until the final line, it gives it more punch. Keep writing!
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