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390 Public Reviews Given
390 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am not an expert reviewer, but I have some small amount of talent in the field of writing. I will not edit your work, but typos, grammar mistakes, etc. will be pointed out if I see them. I will give you my impression of your work, encourage you, and do my best to review the work.
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I do my best, whether I am good at it or not.
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Science fiction.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and
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I will not review...
Novels.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Dawn  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

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Anniversary Reviews email siggie


Hey Beholden,

A WdC account anniversary review . . . Dawn is well-written using a believable tone of voice. I saw the different expressions on the main character's face each time he spoke, but not closely enough to know whether he was on the verge of laughing. Dawn is the story of someone trapped in a soap opera. It has a hefty splash of dry humor sandwiched between a good plot and a detailed narrative. A fine story . . .

*ButtonB*

I noticed a couple of things while I was reading . . . no big deal. See them below . . .

*ButtonG*

More like falling into this sorta grey mist.

(the above is not really a complete sentence) I guess it's just the way he speaks . . .

It was more like falling into this sorta grey mist.

Actually I didn’t know that.

Actually comma I didn’t know that.

I was going to ask him what he meant but he was out of that room like a scared rabbit.

You need a comma before (but), it connects two independent clauses.

*ButtonG*

I enjoyed reading your story Well done.

Regards, jackson
2
2
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)


Hello dj.typo,
~Click here to join a fun reviewing group~


*ButtonG*

This sounds like a fun interactive, especially when Jon will begin to live in the wilderness of Alaska. Many things could befall . . . Some things might be dangerous, some will be adventurous and some will be a new way of life. Good luck, Jon.

*ButtonO*

Below are a few things which might make the introduction to your interactive better. Use them at your discretion. your words are listed first, with an edit suggestion second.

*ButtonG*

Jon is a 5'10 brown hair that is short just long enough to cover the fingers.

*BulletG*

Jon is five feet ten inches tall, with hair that is short, just long enough to cover his fingers.

*ButtonB* . . . his family moved around allot.

*BulletG*

. . . his family moved around a lot.

*ButtonO* . . . seams like he has to move.

*BulletO*

. . . seems like he has to move.

*ButtonG* On night in early December he sat at the hospital with his mother who was in and out of it from heavy pain meds.

*BulletG*

One night in early December comma he sat at the hospital with his mother who was in and out of it . . .

*ButtonR* He sat letting his mind wonder as he kept a ear for any change from the normal hospital sounds.

*BulletR*

He sat letting his mind wonder as he kept an ear open for any change from the normal hospital sounds.

*ButtonB* He didn't really like living in Texas, but being his mothers only family. He didn't have the heart to move away.

*BulletB*

He didn't really like living in Texas, but being his mothers only family comma he didn't have the heart to move away.

*ButtonO* While sitting there thinking about what to do once his mom is gone. Could he find his old crush from school days? He had two of them. One becoming good friends with him. He was happy to be in the friend zone with Amber. The other crush shot him down going for the bad boy. Soon he transferred to a new school and lost ties with Taya. He didn't live far from her, he could have walked to see her about 6 blocks. The sting of rejection was just to much even tho his family moved closer but into a new school lines.

*BulletO*

He was sitting there thinking about what to do once his mom was gone. Could he find his old crushes from school days? One had became good friends with him. He was happy to be in the friend zone with Amber. The other crush shot him down comma going for the bad boy. Soon comma he transferred to a new school and lost ties with Taya. He didn't live far from her, he could have walked six blocks to see her. The sting of rejection was just too much comma even though his family moved closer comma but into a new school district.

*Button* Sure he had friends in life. Most of them online.

*BulletG*
Sure comma he had friends in life comma most of them online.

*ButtonO* He looked at all the different possibility where to go in the coming year.

*BulletO*

He looked at all the different possibilities of where to go in the coming year.

*ButtonR* To save up for the coming move. He locked him self on 3 paths.. Try and reach out to Taya and Amber. See if he can get a friendship going or if time had closed that on him in there eyes, or move into the wilds of Alaska.

*BulletR*

To save up for the coming move comma he locked himself on three paths. Try to reach out to Taya and Amber comma see if he can get a friendship going comma or if time had closed that on him in their eyes, or move into the wilds of Alaska.

*ButtonG*

I enjoyed reading and reviewing your item.

Regards, jackson
3
3
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)


Anniversary Reviews email siggie
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Hello Igserio,

. . . coming to you, an anniversary review. congrats on this, the aniversary of your WdC membership account

*ButtonG*

. . . some sweet words, and wise. The lines possess a melody, a rhythm, and a favorite line . . .

The less you yearn for what is gone

The paradox in the next line . . .

The more sorrow sings its song

I suggest a tiny tweak for the last line.

*ButtonO*


The less you yearn for what is gone

The more will sorrow sing its song


Write on!

Regards, jackson
4
4
Review of Judging By Looks  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
~Click here to join a fun reviewing group~

Anniversary Reviews email siggie



Hello Bearclaw,
. . . another anniversary review. Like most of my reviews, I'll be concentrating on grammar and punctuation. The reason I do this, is to follow WdC's guidelines to be helpful.

Some things I noticed in your story are listed below, first your paragraph is listed, then a suggested edit.

Note Any errors noticed do not change the fact that this is a great example of western writing . . . I'm glad you have said you will continue to make additions to some of the stories I've reviewed.

*BulletR* Plot
This is the story of Jacob Long, a gold miner. He goes into town to buy some supplies,; he's dirty, with the evidence of his labor apparent to anyone who looks at him. The storekeeper looks down on him because of his unwashed state, but little does the storekeeper know that Jacob is not an ordinary miner . . . He's the owner of a gold mine which takes out millions of dollars worth of ore.

Of course, Jacob notices the slights of the storekeeper: he pays for his purchases with a big gold nugget, and he informs everyone in the store that he is the owner of the Lucky Strike Mine, what's more, he has mined three million dollars worth of gold this year. Jacob then walks out, leaving humbled pairs of eyes behind him.

*BulletG* Plot

Errors noted/ suggested edits

#1 He don't like towns and normally puts off coming into them as long as (possiable).

He don't like towns and normally puts off coming into them as long as possible.

#2 He (layed) his Hawkin rifle, decorated with . . .

He laid his Hawkin rifle, decorated with . . .

#3 He enjoyed the smells assualting his nose; coffee, (pickles,cinnamon), (chili peppers,leather goods), soaps and medicines. He missed them smells now and then.

Note: In the paragraph above, pickles,cinnamon need a space between them.
Also, peppers,leather goods.

He enjoyed the smells assaulting his nose comma coffee, pickles, cinnamon, chili peppers, leather goods, soaps and medicines. He missed them smells now and then.

#4 Finally all the other customers had made their purchases and left the store.

Finally comma all the other customers had made their purchases and left the store.

#5 "Of course." Jacob came back with and reaching into his (possiables) bag, pulled out a gold nugget.

"Of course." Jacob came back with and reaching into his possibles bag, pulled out a gold nugget.

#6 The man's eyes behind bugged out. He had never seen a nugget of gold before of that size.

The eyes of the man behind him bugged out. He had never seen a nugget of gold of that size before.

#7 "No, That is ok. I shoe my horse myself and pick up some whenever (i) get the chance."

"No, That is ok. I shoe my horse myself and pick up some whenever I get the chance." capitalize (i)

#8 "For your information I own the Lucky Strike Mine and took out three million dollars worth of ore so far this year."

"For your information comma I own the Lucky Strike Mine and took out three million dollars worth of ore so far this year."

#10 Jacob took pleasure in walking away, while the man behind the counter stood there (slack jawed) and (dumb founded) looking.

Jacob took pleasure in walking away, while the man behind the counter stood there slack-jawed and dumbfounded.


Comments/ details/ dialog

Thanks for sharing your work with us readers . . . good story. It's a fitting tale of events which may have happened in the Old West. The dialog fit right in with how people talked during the wild west era. I enjoyed the read . . .

*BulletG* Details/dialog *CheckG*

Regards, jackson



5
5
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Anniversary Reviews email siggie
imagevfor group



Hello Megan,
. . . another anniversary review. This item is great! Just look at it. Color, eye-catching and all the details a person could ask for.

*BulletO* Presentation/details
Very nice and sweet to the eyes. Merit Badges all lined up and looking pretty, and Princess Megan Rose makes us an offer we need to jump at. Myself, I'll be jumping later . . . I mean . . . just look at those beautiful merit badges! Don't you want one, or more? The Princess lays out the details telling us how to take some home. See those MB's looking for an owner . . .

Presentation/details *CheckG*


*BulletV* The occasion

It's Princess Megan Rose's anniversary of her joining WdC. Let's help her have a birthdate to remember.

Happy birthday! Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!

Many regards, jackson

6
6
Review of The Night  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
~Click here to join a fun reviewing group~
Image #1585921 over display limit. -?-



Hello JesterDev,
. . . sending you a WdC account anniversary review.

*BulletR* A synopsis of your story

The night rises as the sun sets. The night here, enveloping the domain of your residence, is not akin to the usually peaceful rest of nights elsewhere. Creatures from the secrets of the night creep through your home, seeking you.

The worst of these are known to humankind as hellhounds. The hounds of hell visit you during the night . . . they want to add you to their netherworld collection.

You go about your usual business/activities that night, but when morning comes, you learn the true nature of the night which has just passed. You look out your window and see the hounds of hell have trampled your flowers. You turn from the window, and there upon the floor you lie, as still and cold as the floor you lie upon. You have been collected . . .

*BulletV* Your story . . . the plot

The story is great, with detail, action and a surprise ending.

The main character suffers a collection visit from the guardians of the underworld. Unbeknowst to him, he has been selected as a new specimen to walk the endless halls of hell.
*CheckG* Excellent plot

*BulletR* Punctuation


Suddenly the leaves begin to rustle; a breeze slowly churns into a frightful . . .

Suddenly comma the leaves begin to rustle; a breeze slowly churns into a frightful . . .

The sights she sees from above are frightful too most,

The sights she sees from above are frightful (to) most,

understanding. The shadows

understanding. Close gap here The shadows . . .

Try as they might there is little . . .

Try as they might comma
there is little . . .

As of late I sometimes think I hear a song being played.

As of late comma I sometimes think I hear a song being played.

Tonight an urge to dance becomes apparent as I began to slumber here upon my desk.

Tonight an urge to dance becomes apparent as I begin
to slumber here upon my desk.

You used the present tense by using (becomes) , so you need to use (begin) to follow the tense.

I wondered a bit to peer through my chamber window . . . I turned quickly in a rush and there I was. Still and cold as the floor on which I lay.

I wandered a bit to peer through my chamber window . . . I turned quickly in a rush and there I was. As still and cold as the floor on which I lie.

••• Final comments

Thank you for sharing this great story with the readers of the world, the telling of the story, without the errors, I rate as a five.

Regards, jackson








7
7
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)

shared superpower image


Hello dragonline . . .

There I was, looking for something to review on the Nature genre page . . . Nothing . . . Then I saw The Maple Tree in Autumn. I read the brief description first, and was shaking my head, wondering how a maple tree could be compaired to a woman. Well, I opened it up and looked. Then, I did not wonder anymore . . .

*BulletV* Your imagery


The dress slid past her waist and settled around her ankles
As she stood there naked.

*CheckG* Imagery

So, as the maple's leaves slid and fell to the earth . . . there she stood, naked.

And so was the woman, when her dress settled around her ankles . . .

Recommendations

I recommend this item to readers so they can glimpse the shrewd imagery displayed.

Regards, jackson
8
8
Review of A Beer  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)


~Click here to join a fun reviewing group~
Image #2268046 over display limit. -?-

Hi Richard Allen Edwards,

I'll be reviewing, The Beer today. Due to time constraints, I'll be taking a look at the portion of your item dealing with the time machine's visit to the medieval bar . . . down to, and including, paragraph nineteen, I believe.

The idea for your story is a good one, and your detail and descriptions of the characters and scenery are great. I'll be, mainly, pointing out errors in grammar and punctuation in my review.

*BulletR* Plot *CheckG* Great job . . .
A character goes back in time, but received a rude, and somewhat dangerous, welcoming.

A quote from Writing.Com

'Reviewing is an extremely important part of the Writing.Com community. Helpful, honest reviews assist our authors to improve their talents.'


*BulletR* Details/description
The details you have given us, puts the reader right at the scene, as if they have became a character. Your descriptions of the lead character are great. The reader can see the character strutting about, showing a bit of skin every now and then. *CheckG* Great job . . .


*BulletR* Punctuation/spelling Needs work . . .

In a story, good punctuation is necessary. The object of the story, in most cases, is for the reader to become the character, to fall into the story completely as they read. To have natural sounding dialog, commas must be used in places where the characters would naturally pause in their speech.

Accurate spelling is a must, so the reader will concentrate on the story, instead of hovering over misspelled words.

Below, are some examples of needed punctuation and spelling, if these were edited, the story would be five *Star* 's.

Note: Puntuctuation and grammar errors do not mean your story is not good, it is. Punctuation is just a *Key* thing you need to work on.

Below, begining with paragraph one, I'll designate any errors I find with a number, and below that, I'll suggest an edit for them in teal.

#1 paragraph one

Wiping the peanut butter from my fingers onto a cloth I had there for the rascals to keep clean after their being here. 'Damn them. I wish the babysitter remembered what I said to her. "Keep the kids out of my room!" She did it, again.'

Wiping the peanut butter from my fingers onto a cloth I had there for the rascals to clean up after being there, I thought, Damn them. I wish the babysitter remembered I told her to keep the kids out of my room! She let them in again!

Note: I noticed you used single quotation marks in paragraph one to signify the character's inner thoughts, but you kind of mixed in some double quotation marks. In my editing, I have expressed the character's inner thoughts by using italics.

#2 paragraph two

I looked into my mirror, just up on my eyeliner, I looked magnificent. I licked my crimson lips, looking at my cheeks the rouge was just right, the eyeshadow was perfect. I wanted to see Karen she made my lips want her, just by crossing her shapely legs. Mine weren't bad either. If I say so myself.

I looked into my mirror, checking my eyeliner. I looked magnificent. I licked my crimson lips. Looking at my face, I saw the rouge was just right and the eyeshadow was perfect. I wanted to see Karen, comma she made my lips want her, just by crossing her shapely legs. Mine weren't bad either, if I say so myself.


#3 paragraph three

At the moment they were in black seamed nylons, I was a little petite so I choose to wear high heels, that's what I call them. There stillettoes they gave me that extra height there. I was wearing thigh high sequence skirt, with sequenced jacket with a white satin blouse which was deep and plunging. Having with a pearl necklace. I was a knock out.

At the moment comma my legs were in black seamed nylons, I was a bit petite, so I choose to wear high heels . . . that's what I call them. They're stilettos, they give me that extra height I need. I was wearing a thigh-high sequined skirt, with a sequined jacket and a white satin blouse which was deep and plunging. And wearing that pearl necklace like I was, I was a knock out.

They're, stilettos, sequin and sequined are misspelled.

#4 paragraph four

I stepped out of the device to see where I was. I hoped I was where I wanted to be. In front of the club, where my friends would be. I was going to blow their panties off, by arriving in this. My time machine, they told me it couldn't be done.

I stepped out of the time machine to see where I was. I hoped I was where I wanted to be, in front of the club, where my friends would be. I was going to blow their panties off by arriving in this time machine.

#5 paragraph five

I was going to show them I did it like I said I would.

I was going to show them comma I did it like I said I would.

#6 paragraph six

"A beer," I said. Waving my payment to the barkeep who walked toward me as I stepped out of the device, it was conspicuous. Having wooden sides. a chair. It was ten feet tall, with glass windows on it.

"A beer," I said comma waving my payment to the barkeep who walked toward me as I stepped out of the time machine. The time machine was rather conspicuous, having wooden sides and a chair. It stood out even more, being ten feet tall with glass windows.

#7 paragraph seven

The barkeep with a beard and a mustach who stared at me, his eyes wide his mouth hung agape. His hands tumbled, as he walked toward me. He walked toward me, after walking out from behind the bar.

The barkeep, who had a beard and a mustache stared at me, his eyes were wide and his mouth agape. His hands trembled, as {he walked toward me after walking out from behind the bar.

#8 paragraph eight

"What is this thing? Tallow." someone yelled as this person pointed at the machine.

"What is this thing, Tallow?" Someone yelled as they pointed at the machine.

#9 paragraph nine

It stunk of sweat. Booze, and aromas of meat being cooked there. There were candles on the tables, which were lit. A woman was dancing about wearing almost nothing at all. Waved a sheer cloth about her body.

It stunk of sweat, booze and the aromas of meat being cooked there. There were lit candles on the tables. A woman was dancing about comma wearing almost nothing at all and waving a sheer cloth about her body.

#10 paragraph ten

I smiled when I saw her. 'Alright, this is where I want to be.'

I smiled when I saw her. Alright, this is where I want to be.

#11 paragraph eleven

I lit a cigarette, took in a lung full of smoke, it tasted good, Put my lighter along with my smokes back in my purse. Put my hand on my hip. smoothing out the wrinkles, stepped out showing off my shapely legs thanks to the high heels I wore. More like stilts, than heels. They hurt my feet being in them, the lined seam of the nylons made them stand out even better. I had wide hips. I wore diamond ring and an engagement band on it.

I lit a cigarette and took in a lungful of smoke, it tasted good. I put my lighter, along with my smokes back in my purse. I put my hand on my hip comma smoothing out the wrinkles. Then I stepped out comma showing off my shapely legs comma thanks to the high heels I wore. They were more like stilts, than heels. They hurt my feet. The lined seam of the nylons made them stand out even better. I had wide hips. I wore a diamond ring with an engagement band on it.

#12 paragraph twelve

I knew I had come to the wrong place. Did I arrive at World con? That could be it if they were dressed in medieval clothing. They were so, that could be where I was. I shouldn't be here, should I. I know I set the dials to a time, that World Con. wouldn't have been there.

I knew I had came to the wrong place. Did I arrive at World Con? That could be it comma if they were dressed in medieval clothing. They were comma so that could be where I was.
I shouldn't be here, should I question mark I know I set the dials to a time, that World Con. wouldn't have been here.

#13 paragraph thirteen

Maybe wherever I am it is a medieval festival being portrayed by the people here.

Maybe wherever I am comma it's just a medieval festival being put on by the people here.

#14 paragraph fourteen

The barkeep had a tunic on. There was a woman dressed in a harem garment that barely hid her body. sashaying about her hips gyrated about like blinder’s blades.

There were women wearing clothes that revealed quite a bit of skin, their hair was in braids. I supposed were serving girls.

The barkeep wore a tunic comma and there was a woman dressed in a harem garment which barely hid her body. She was sashaying about with her hips gyrating like blinder’s blades.


#15 paragraph fifteen

I supposed were serving girls.

I supposed they were serving girls.


#16 paragraph 18

His hand reached for his mace as he lifted himself from where he sat wearing a scowl, he brought the mace to waist height and brought the pain bringing the side of it to his other hand.

Wearing a scowl, he lifted himself from where he sat as he reached for his mace. He raised the mace to waist height and brought the blood as he felt its sharpness with his other hand.

#17 paragraph nineteen

Some people stared at me and turned and ran, I knew, this wouldn't have worked. I hadn't told the proprietors about me bringing in my time machine beforehand. But this didn't look like where I should begin with.

Some people stared at me comma and turned and ran period I knew delete comma this wouldn't have worked. I hadn't told the proprietors I would arrive in a time machine beforehand, and this moment did not appear to be a good time to start.

They already thought I was a witch. And that fellow holding the bloody mace was looking at me as if he was getting ready to invite me to my own funeral.

#18 paragraph twenty

The air stank of urine, and I saw rats running across the floor of this establishment, well I have to give them a thumbs up for the authentication of the decor.

The air stank of urine, and I saw rats running across the floor. period Well comma I have to give them a thumbs up for the authentic decor.

#19 paragraph twenty-one

"I am not a witch!" I screamed as the barkeep was within grasping distance of me, I spun about and bolted for the door. 'They believed me to be a witch. This was perhaps the Middle Ages. Suppose I was to judge the date by what they wore. I was aware of what they did to witches then. I would be in a great deal of trouble here, now. I had to get out of here and now.'

"I am not a witch!" I screamed period As the barkeep was within grasping distance of me comma I spun about and bolted for the door. They believed me to be a witch. This was perhaps the Middle Ages. Suppose I was to judge the date by what they wore question mark I was aware of what they did to witches back then. I could be in a great deal of trouble here. I had to get out of here comma and now!


Comments

That's about all I have for you today; I hope it's useful to you. Write on . . .

*BulletR*Final thoughts

It's a good concept for a story, with a tweak here, and a tweak there, it would be an entirely different story. It's full of action and dialog . . . The descriptions given by the lead female character lend believability to the story. *CheckG*

Regards, jackson
































9
9
Review of Lifestyle  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)

shared superpower image


cozybear22,
. . . dropping in to send you a review.

*BulletB* First impression

I noticed the item was short, but in the few words of its structure, there was wisdom. I'll try to sum up my opinion in a few words . . .

Life is fragile, don't break it by seeing only the negative things.

The view expressed in your item can make our lives enjoyable. Keep both eyes open, and pay greater attention to the good things in life.

Since your item is not lengthly, I'll quote it below and tell you what I think needs to be done to it to make it look like a fifty dollar bill in a jarful of pennies.

*BulletV* Your item

'life gets busy, streets are crowded with people in a hurry, cars flying past itching to get to their destination. dogs are barking in the distance. horns honking, stop and take a look at the little things when things are flying by. relax your body and feel the wind blowing through your hair notice the clouds slowly floating in the sky, and know life doesnt need to be that hectic, live life freely and and at ease.'

*BulletGr* Edit suggestions

Sometimes, life gets busy period Streets are crowded with people in a hurry period Cars fly past comma itching to get to their destinations. Dogs are barking in the distance. Horns incessantly honk period

         Stop and take a look at the little things when things are flying by. Relax your body and feel the wind blowing through your hair period Notice the clouds slowly floating in the sky, and know life doesnt need to be that hectic period Live life freely and delete one (and) and at ease.

These suggested edits are only one writer's opinion . . .

Regards, jackson

10
10
Review of Cat's Day  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)


~Click here to join a fun reviewing group~


Hello dragonwoman,
. . . dropping by to review Cat's Day.

*BulletR* Introduction

A good introduction can decide the decision in the mind of the reader, whether to read the story . . . Right away, you let the reader know this is the story of a cat. And not just any cat, Cat, as it calls itself, is a down-home old-fashioned alley cat. Besides stomping around the alleys under its jurisdiction, Cat tells this story in its own words.

Introduction *CheckG* Great.

*BulletR* Plot
The cat gives the reader a sense of its everyday life, the necessity of having to scrounge for its meals, its meanderings in search of sustenance and a glimpse into the hearts of some of its human friends. One particular friend is especially generous; she gives Cat bowls full of food whenever Cat comes by.

Plot*CheckG* Great

*BulletR* Details
Nightly, and sometimes daily, Cat patrols his territory, greeting innocent bystanders and evicting sqatters. . . . can't allow any trespassing squatters to get a pawhold in my territory. Sometimes, it's a fight and a half to evict a squatter. Cat's second favorite thing is cauterwauling, it's right up there next to eating. Cat's fans throw all kinds of adoring gifts in its direction when the caterwauling is especially good. After a full night of entertaining the neighborhood, Cat returns to its home alley to sleep and maybe dreams of tomorrow, when it will be another cat day.

*CheckG* Great

*BulletR* Punctuation
One little thing, the part of a sentence before the use of a semicolon, as well as the part of a sentence after the use of a semicolon . . . To use a semicolon, both parts of the sentence should be capable of being a complete sentence if a period is placed after each sentence part.

Punctuation Good

Your sentence directly below

"Speaking of eating, it's time to start my daily rounds; care to join me?"

In the sentence directly above, the semicolon should be a comma, because (care to join me . . .) can't stand on its own as a complete sentence.

I enjoyed reading your story, it's great.

Regards, jackson












11
11
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

~Click here to join a fun reviewing group~


Hello Noisy Wren,
Thank you for your review of my story, Jimmy Red Corn. I'll be sending you a review shortly . . .

A review of Wren's Wild Journey . . .

*BulletR* Introduction

Every story needs an introduction. There is where you will inform the reader. The reader wants to know what they will be reading about . . . Here is your chance to entice the reader to continue to read your work, sort of like a movie preview, but with detail, it can be done in any form as long as it's effective.

Introduction *CheckG*

Your introduction is great, if the story following it continues along the same lines, you've grabbed some readers. Keep in mind, that the item I am reviewing is an introduction to five chapters which wish to be read.

*BulletR* It's all in the details A part of your intro quoted below . . .

'Set against the rugged landscapes of America’s back-country and the enigmatic waters of the Rio Grande, this story follows Wren, a man of simple tastes and a restless spirit, whose life is defined by the call of the wild. Through vivid prose and introspective narration, the tale chronicles Wren’s evolution from a bookish dreamer to a seasoned wanderer, culminating in a transformative encounter with the ancient spirits of the river . . .'

It's all in the details *CheckG*

From reading the intro above, I'd continue reading about Wren. I'd want to know about his jounney along the Rio Grande River, and what he encountered while he was there.

Regards, jackson
12
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Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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Hey Pumpkin,
On the anniversary of your WdC account, a review . . . I just had a look at your poll. It's excellent. The form is self-explanatory.

*BulletR* Details
It looks as if you have included all the details necessary to make it short and easy to complete this poll. Some all-time greats stand out in your list of candidates. I have fond memories of James Drury, from watching, The Virginian . . . not saying he's my favorite actor. Gregory Peck, Eli Wallach, Alan Ladd and Lee Van Cleef were great too. In answer to your poll, I will say Clint Eastwood, is my favorite western actor. Charles Bronson and Steve McQueen kind of linger in my mind . . .

The item itself is easy to follow, well-constructed and has all the information a poll should have. Good work . . . *CheckG* *CheckG*

Regards, jackson
13
13
Review of Where's Grimm?  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)

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Bearclaw,

I see from the page of Anniversary Reviews that this month is the anniversary of you opening your account . . .

•• Some comments
In line with WdC's guidelines, I'll try to be helpful in my review. I'll look at punctuation, grammar, sentence structure etc.

•• Storyline

Some personal thoughts from Mister Grimm himself . . . expounding on some of his laments. Sample: How would you like to date The Grimm Reaper?

Grimm sees himself as unappreciated, ironically, he does not appreciate himself. Still, when it is the appointed time, Mister Grimm does his duty.

•• Questions Mister Grimm presents us with

#1 Does Mister Grimm like his employment?

I think not, I believe Mister Grimm is self-conscious. Mister Grimm would, if he could, give people life, instead of death.

#2 Is it of his own volition that Mister Grimm collects the souls of the dead?

No, he was appointed to this position, and the length of the appointment was for all eternity. There is, for him, no way out.

#3 What is his foreseeable future, if any?

The woe of Mister Grimm is that he happens to be stuck forever in a dead-end, no pun intended, job.

•• Suggested edits


#1 With his past work history Grimm comma of course comma goes to work, but it does not mean he has to like it.

#2 "Come on comma we have a trip to take."

#3 It is pure Spirit and it asks the old man in a hollow booming voice .

The period in the sentence above is out of place.

•• Thoughts

It's a great story. Fine work, examining the heart of The Grimm Reaper . . . I enjoyed reading it immensely. The reader can see from Grimm's demeanor, that Grimm would change his career path, if he could.

Regards, jackson





14
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Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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JMariah,
An anniversary review. . .

• Comments

You shut her mouth, huh? She thought she was being derogatory when she called you a dandelion, and herself a rose. She was ill-prepared for your comeback.

Dandelionss are maligned unjustly . . . Their softness, when you hold them against your lips, the sweet scent, the taste of dandelion wine, all these things attest to its beauty.

You used its beauty to politely shut the mouth of a, wanna be, rose. I enjoyed the language you used in turning her words against her, a fine example . . . I hope you enjoy WdC, and will be here a long time.

Regards, jackson
15
15
Review of V3R4  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


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Hello Scary Potato,

V3R4 is a good story . . . she believes herself to be a robot, but she learns later, she is human. She's the first stored embryo to be nurtured to birth by the assigned robot, Nurture.

Begun at the start of World War Four, Project Genesis preserved human cells to be brought to life to repopulate the earth, if mankind was destroyed.

The first live birth was V3R4 . . . soon, she will not be alone . . .

Comments

I enjoyed reading the story, The fact that V3R4 was a human, crept up on me with surprise.

I noticed a few things while I read . . .

#1 The alarm signaling shift change sounded. It was only for V3R4
All the others kept up at their tasks till the light faded. Nurture gave V3R4 a different schedule than other automation in the facility. V3R4 didn't like it but Nurture said it was because she was special.

Edit suggestion

The alarm signaling shift change sounded. It was only for V3R4 period All the others kept up at their tasks till the light faded. Nurture gave V3R4 a different schedule than other automation in the facility. V3R4 didn't like it comma but Nurture said it was because she was special.

#2 Too many countries developed weapons on mass destruction.

Too many countries developed weapons of mass destruction.

Regards, jackson


16
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Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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Hello Lou Here by His Grac...,

. . . an aniversary review. A very short story . . . I like it. Fishing is not always about catching fish. Sometimes, the bait which drew you there is the gift of solitude it offers. If you keep your eyes open, as you did, the wonders of nature draws near to you.

Your story is short, sweet and to the point, detailing the wildlife you saw and your satisfaction with being there, even though you left fishless . . .

Regards, jackson
17
17
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)


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Hi jonblair,
I don't know the feeling of sitting in an airplane and realizing it's under my control. It must be wonderful. I am sending you this review because it's the anniversary of the month you became a member of Writing.Com.

It was sweet of your daughter to send you those old photos of a flight you made with her many years ago. I wish you many more memories and a happy writing experience. Thanks for sharing some of your memories.

I noticed the things below in paragraph three if your story.

Part of paragraph three

Upon arrival we circled the plant numerous times, observing the many Manatees swimming in the plant's cooling canals; ten minutes later we proceeded north as I contacted the Miramar Control Tower . . .

Upon arrival comma we circled the plant numerous times, observing the many manatees swimming in the plant's cooling canals; ten minutes later comma we proceeded north as I contacted the Miramar Control Tower . . .

Happy writing . . .

Regards, jackson

18
18
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)

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Hey Detective,
The Legend of Captain Six Pins
is pretty good. It's a smooth story with no rough places. Captain Six Pins, although he was a thief, possessed some morals. Mostly, he took from the rich, not bothering those who needed to keep everything they had. At the last, when he was injured in battle, before dying, he put a curse on the island where he kept his treasures. No one could get it, many ships were lost to the depths because of the curse.

I liked the straighforward way you presented the story, simple, yet exciting. Good work . . .

I noticed a typo in the sentence below, the apostrophe after (its).

This island and its' surrounding waters were the home of an infamous pirate known as Captain Six Pins.

Good story . . .

Regards, jackson

19
19
Review of The Book Fair  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
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Jacky,
. . . another year here at Writing.Com . . congratulations.. In line with WdC's guidelines, during my review, I'll be reviewing with honesty, I'll be concentrating on punctuation, grammar and structure during my review.

The story itself, is well thought out and a good concept. Well done . . .

Directly below, I'll list your paragraphs with a number, and below each paragraph, a suggested edit, with a reason for the suggestion.

#1 Yes because I didn’t have a deep enough pocket so I put it in my shoe so it would be safe!”

Yes comma because I didn’t have a deep enough pocket comma so I put it in my shoe for it to be safe!"

In the paragraph above yes is an introductory word which modifies the entire sentence which follows it. There needs to be a comma to separate it from the rest of the sentence. The word so was in the same sentence twice. I suggest the using of for in one of those instances.

#2 Well his bushes have green leaves and my money was green and I forgot it was in my shoe and I dumped my shoe to get the stone out and the money flew out into the pile of leaves and got all mixed up! Mr. Gregory and I looked and looked for it but we couldn’t find it anywhere!

Well comma his bushes have green leaves period My money was green and I forgot it was in my shoe period I dumped my shoe to get the stone out and the money flew out into the pile of leaves and got all mixed up! Mr. Gregory and I looked and looked for it comma but we couldn’t find it anywhere!

(Well) is an introductory word for the rest of the sentence, a comma should be placed after it. The rest of the sentence is an and splice, there are five ands in the sentence.

#3 Mom looked at her very sad and very upset and very late for school daughter trying not to laugh.

Mom looked at her very sad delete (and) comma very upset comma } delete (and) and very late for school daughter comma trying not to laugh.

The word and was in the same sentence three times; I suggest removing two of them . . .

#4 Jane,” she said, “the book fair isn’t till tomorrow, and I gave you four quarters not a dollar bill, so they weren't green."

Jane,” she said, “the book fair isn’t till tomorrow, and I gave you four quarters comma not a dollar bill, so they weren't green."

Here in this sentence, you make a positive statement, followed by a negative statement. A comma should separate the two.

. . . a good story.

Regards, jackson










20
20
Review of No Sudden Moves  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi Louise Kay,

From Anniversary Reviews, a review celebrating your account anniversary . . .

Comments
Your story, No Sudden Moves , is delightful. Sparse, articulate and sweet, it contains just enough detail to be effective. I like it . . . write some more.

As for the rating, the lack of one little comma alters nothing about your story. Well done . . .

Below, I'll explain why I suggest the addition of a comma.

Your Sentence

Her heartbeat grew quicker still while her muscles tensed, but she remained otherwise motionless.

My suggested edit

Her heartbeat grew quicker still comma while her muscles tensed, but she remained otherwise motionless.

The reason for the suggestion


The sentence contains three separate actions, each action should be separated from the next action by a comma.

The three actions

Her heartbeat grew quicker still comma

while her muscles tensed,

but she remained otherwise motionless.

Regards, jackson




21
21
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)


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Hello Fredrick,
Congrats on being with WdC another year. I hope you enjoy your time here. My reviews are in keeping of WdC's policy of honesty and helpfullness . . . How I'll review your item today is this: I'll place a few sections of your story on this page, below each section, I will post a suggested edit for each placed section of your story. Your story is very good storywise, but some punctuation, spelling/grammar errors were noted.

I have also formatted your story into paragraphs . . . and put the character's thoughts in italic letters.

Your story
Sammy looked at the soles of his shoes, worn at the sides with holes at the

bottom. The years of traveling had worked their wicked magic, but this didn't worry him

too much. He had a good pair in his suitcase, along with a good suit. He then took a

long look around the room, he had been too busy sneaking to really survey the area. He

had stowed away on ships for years, but because of regulations, trying to get abroad

without being killed was becoming near impossible. "Oh screw it, Sammy thought, "I've

been fine in the past and I'll be fine now."

My edit
Sammy looked at the soles of his shoes, worn at the sides with holes at the bottom. The years of traveling had worked their wicked magic, but this didn't worry him too much. He had a good pair in his suitcase, along with a good suit. He then took a long look around the room period He had been too busy sneaking to really survey the area.

He had stowed away on ships for years, but because of regulations, trying to get abroad without being killed was becoming nearly impossible. Oh screw it,
Sammy thought, "I've been fine in the past and I'll be fine now."

Your story
He got up and paced the room, looking at the

metal crates with labels on them. "Plastic?" He thought reading one of the labels, "well,

glad to see that even out in the outreach of space, Plastic is still king." He had a habit of

being sarcastic, even if there was no one else to hear. He looked out a small window,

just to the left of him, he stood and stared for a second. As far as he could see was the

vast endless space, you could stare forever and still not grasp the full magnitude, but for

Sammy, it was yesterday's news. He walked back over to his suitcase and opened it up,

He shifted past different items, a slightly out-of-fashion suit, a pair of shoes, and most

importantly the merchandise. What he was looking for was a book, about the size of

his hand,

My edit
He got up and paced the room, looking at the metal crates with labels on them. Plastic? He thought comma as he read one of the labels period "Well, glad to see that even out in the outreach of space, Plastic is still king. He had a habit of being sarcastic, even if there was no one else to hear.

He looked out a small window, just to the left of him, he stood and stared for a second. As far as he could see was the vast endless space, you could stare forever and still not grasp the full magnitude of it, but for Sammy, it was yesterday's news. He walked back over to his suitcase and opened it up, He shifted past different items, a slightly out-of-fashion suit, a pair of shoes, and most importantly comma the merchandise. What he was looking for was a book, about the size if his hand.

Your story
It was basically the equivalent of a dime novel. "The misadventures of Tom

and His Long Tong" the cover said. "God this book is shit," Sammy said, "But it's better

than nothing." He cracked it open and scanned the pages, but what was the point? He

had already read it cover to cover, he could recite the thing with one hand tied behind

his ear. But still, he reads " Thomas took his long tong and look over the stone wall,

when suddenly." Before he could read on he heard a sound, like a trained soldier he

quickly stowed it and grabbed his case, and hid in a dark corner behind a box.

My Edit
It was basically the equivalent of a dime novel. The words, The Misadventures of Tom and His Long Tong," were on the cover.

God this book is shit,
thought Sammy. But it's better than nothing.

He cracked it open and scanned the pages, but what was the point? He had already read it cover to cover period He could recite the thing with one hand tied behind his ear. But still, he reads comma Thomas took his long tong and went over the stone wall period

Delete (when) Suddenly comma before he could read on comma he heard a sound, sort of like the voice of a trained soldier period

He quickly stowed the book and grabbed his case, then hid in a dark corner behind a box.

Your story
Two men came downstairs with harsh shadows dancing around their faces. Sammy was

practically inanimate as he waited and listened to the footsteps as they echoed around

the room. They looked around, eyeing each box. "Why the hell do we always have to

check the cargo," one said to the other. "Because, that's our job," he replied, "besides

you're the one who wanted to join up, so you've got no one to blame but yourself."

My edit
Two men came downstairs with harsh shadows dancing around their faces. Sammy was
practically inanimate as he waited and listened to the footsteps as they echoed around
the room. They looked around, eyeing each box. "Why the hell do we always have to check the cargo," one said to the other.

"Because, that's our job," the other replied period Besides, you're the one who wanted to join up, so you've got no one to blame but yourself."

Your story
Well, they made it seem like it would be a good lot of fun." This went on for several

minutes as they inspected. Meanwhile, Sammy was slowly creeping across the room to

get out of site. He kept in the shadows, moving slowly but steadily across the room,

then one of his pant legs got caught on a distant piece of metal. Before he knew it, he

had fallen on his face, right onto a grate, as well as ripping a line down his pant leg.

This, along with the fall, culminated in a loud noise that was a combination of tearing

cloth and crashing metal. Well, that was it, there laid Sammy, face down, with two men

standing over him. The silence after the crash lasted a few seconds

My edit
Well, they made it seem like it would be a good lot of fun. This went on for several minutes as they inspected. Meanwhile, Sammy was slowly creeping across the room to get out of sight period He kept in the shadows, moving slowly comma but steadily across the room.

Then one of his pant legs got caught on a delete (distant) piece of metal. Before he knew it, he had fallen on his face, right onto a grate, as well as ripping a line down his pant leg. This, along with the fall, culminated in a loud noise that was a combination of tearing cloth and crashing metal. Well, that was it, there laid Sammy, face down, with two men standing over him. The silence after the crash lasted a few seconds period

Sammy himself was stunned into inactivity. One of the men took out their flashlight and shined it down at Sammy. "Shit, it's a stowaway." Before he knew it, Sammy was dragged up the stairs and into a corridor, while the two men talked. "What do you think we'll do with him, Frank?"

"Well comma Don, we'll see what the captain says."

As this happened many thoughts flashed through Sammy's head.
How could I be so stupid, how will I get to Tanson now? His thoughts were quickly broken up comma with him being thrown on the ground period He looked up to see the Captain.

The Captain wore well-oiled boots, his pants were black with dirt and dust was evenly spread over them from years of wear. He had a light grey coat over a white spotted shirt period
The only thing to indicate that he was comma in fact comma the captain comma was the faded gold stripe on his sleeves.

Your story
His face was riddled with wrinkles from years of hard living, he wore a little mustache and

goatee, both looked slightly uneven. His hair was black with little bits of gray and white

littered throughout it. He looked down at Sammy, with a look of annoyance more than

anger. "You got a lot of balls to get past the safety locks on the cargo hold, one false

move could have fired you." "Don, what was he doing down there?" "I don't know sir,"

He replied,"we heard a crash and there he was laying on a grate."

My edit
His face was riddled with wrinkles from years of hard living period He wore a little mustache and a goatee, both looked slightly uneven. His hair was black with little bits of gray and white scattered throughout it.

He looked down at Sammy, with a look of annoyance comma more than anger. "You have a lot of balls to get past the safety locks on the cargo hold, one false move could have killed you."

"Don, what was he doing down there?"

"I don't know sir, we heard a crash and there he was laying on a grate."

The captain looked back at Sammy, who still had a shallow imprint of the grate across his face.

"So, what's your business stowing away on my ship?"

Sammy got to his feet with a little hesitation at first, but quickly got the confidence to speak. "Well comma I'm glad I'm finally getting a chance to actually say something, " he said with an air of contempt. "Well, if you must know, I'm a traveling salesman period I'm trying to make my way over to Tanson, just a couple of days away from the port I came from. I've heard there are some very interesting people in Tanson, and I thought it would be lucrative for me."

"Well, what do you sell?"

"Get my suitcase for me and I'll show you," Sammy replied with a hint of fake enthusiasm.

At that very moment, Frank stepped forward and presented Sammy's suitcase, the same ol'worn out thing he'd had for years.

"Why did you grab that," said Don.

"I thought it might be a bomb," Frank said.

Comments
That's all for today, edit along these lines and your story will be great.

Regards, jackson


22
22
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
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Good morning wildflowers,

I am here to review your story, Darkness Becomes Me. In my review, I will follow WdC's policy of complete honesty and encouragement. First, I'll list parts of your story, below the listings, I'll make edit suggestions. Near the bottom of the page, you will find my thoughts on your story.

Story parts in need of editing . . .

Lit the woody Mahogony candle. Slightly opened the window beside me. It's a cold, foggy night. Took a few deep breaths. Didn't work. Still bleeding.
I switched off the lights. Everything's pitch black. Sat on my bedroom floor on the soft, green rug. Closed my eyes. Sat still. Tried not to take deep breaths. With tightened and tense muscle, I kept waiting. Waiting for it to happen when I'd feel my mom's cold hand on my forehead, her anxious voice calling my father, "don't you see your daughter is sick? Why don't you call a doctor?!" --- Nah! Didn't happen. I shouldn't be sad though. It rarely happens. But I need to stop this damn bleeding. I'm so freaking tired!



As a last resort, I want outside. It was dark everywhere except a dim streetlight far away from my apartment. I walked. And walked. And walked. My feet felt exhausted. I stood by the lake. Calm, dark, water. So peaceful. I heard sudden screeching and rustling. Three birds started to fly toward me, then suddenly changed their flight path and started flying over the water. My heart wouldn't stop bleeding. I sensed a light, cool breeze over my face. The dark water. So peaceful. Maybe I can sleep at last? So, I embraced the darkness and its coolness. Darkness became me.


I lit the woody mahogany candle comma and
slightly opened the window beside me. It's a cold, foggy night outside. I took a few deep breaths. It didn't work comma I'm still bleeding.

I switched off the lights. Everything's pitch black. I sat on the bedroom floor comma on the soft, green rug. I closed my eyes comma and sat still trying not to take deep breaths.

With tightened and tense muscles I kept waiting. Waiting for it to happen comma when I'd feel my mom's cold hand on my forehead period And hear her anxious voice calling my father period

"Don't you see your daughter is sick? Why don't you call a doctor?"

Nah! It didn't happen. I shouldn't be sad comma though. It never happens. Regardless, I need to stop this damn bleeding. I'm so freaking tired!

As a last resort, I want to be outside. Out there, it was dark everywhere comma except a dim streetlight far away from my apartment.

When I went out there, I walked and walked and walked. My feet became exhausted. I stood by the calm, dark, water of a lake, it seemed so peaceful. I heard sudden screeching and rustling comma three birds started to fly toward me, then suddenly changed their flight path and started flying over the water.

Still, my heart would not stop bleeding. I sensed a light, cool breeze over my face.

The dark water looked so peaceful. I thought, Maybe I can sleep at last?

So, I embraced the darkness and its coolness.

Regards, jackson
23
23
Review of Kiss Of Death 2  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.0)


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Hi IrishHuntress,

Happy WdC account anniversary. This review is coming to you in accordance with WdC's policy of honesty while reviewing. Below are the punctuation and grammar errors I noticed in your story, except for those errors, it's a great story. It flows well, the dialog is excellent and I enjoyed reading and reviewing it.

Parts of your story


Max walked around her kitchen comma working on dinner comma trying to get it done before Brendan showed up at her house. "I hope he likes his steak medium well," Max said to herself.

Brendan walked up to the door all dressed up and holding flowers. He was nervous and was acting like he was going on a date comma when it was just a simple dinner. He finally built up enough confidence to ring the doorbell.

Max jumped at the sound of her doorbell. She didn't expect him so soon. "Dang comma he is early." Max walked to the door and opened it. "Hey Brendan comma you're early comma I am just finishing dinner up comma come on in and have a seat."

"Oh how sweet comma you brought me flowers," Max said period Then she put them in a vase, while saying, "It's ok, thank you for the flowers."


"No comma it's almost done," Max said comma then she went into the kitchen and finished dinner. When everything was done comma she put everything on the table.

He was not paying much attention to her words semicolon he was more interested in her.

Max continued to eat comma not really tasting her food period "So comma what did your jock friend say about you having dinner with me?"

"He doesn't know about it comma and I would like to keep it that way," said Brendan as he smiled.

"I can imagine what he'll say when comma or if he finds out,” she said as she laughed.

"Enough about him period Brendan laughed. He was cutting his meat when his knife slipped comma cutting his finger.

"Are you ok?" she asked him.



"Here comma let me kiss it and make it better comma " she said comma gabbing his finger and sucking the blood from it period Accidentally comma she let her fangs sink into his finger.

Brendan felt a little pain for a second comma but he was soon lost in thoughts as his finger was getting kissed.

"There comma your finger should be better now," said Max as she sat down in her chair.


"Thank you," said Brendan comma looking at his finger.

"There's a really good movie playing at the theatre period Add (Do) you wanna go see it?" she asked.

"Sure comma I would love to go with you and watch it," said Brendan with excitement.

"Ok comma let's go period" She grabbed her jacket and headed towards the door. "The movie starts in about ten minutes comma whose car do you want to take?"



The two were walking towards the movie theatre comma when comma who else but Vincent comma drove up in his car.

"Well comma look here, have you two shagged each other silly yet?" Vincent laughed.

"Shut up comma jock boy, you're just mad because you don't have some girl you can screw tonight period " Then, Max spat at him.

Vincent wiped the spit off his face and laughed. "Oh come on, it was all in good fun period" He laughed again. "I was just joking around."

"You are going too far comma Vince. I think you should mind your own business and let us enjoy ourselves in peace without your recent stupidity clouding our good time."

"You need to learn the meaning of fun," Max said, "Come on comma Brendan comma before I do something I may regret."

Brendan stared at Vincent until he rolled up his window and drove off. "Vincent has been acting funny recently. I don't understand it."

"Who knows comma delete all it may be because of the blue moon this month," she said.

"It could possibly be because of the blue moon period" " Brandon laughed as snowflakes started to fall. "Do you still want to go to see the movie comma or go for some skating in the park?"

"Let's go skating, I haven't done that before," she said.


The two headed to the park, rented skates and headed for the ice comma but while Brendan got on the ice comma he noticed that Max was not getting onto the ice.

"Do you know how to skate?" asked Brendan.

"No comma I have never learned to skate," she told him comma looking questionably at the ice.

"Well comma I'll have to show you," said Brendan. He held out his hand to Max, "If you can trust me comma I could show you what I know comma which isn't too much."

"Ok," she got up and grabbed his hand.



For a moment, Brendan laughed at Max, until she tripped him and he fell onto the ice next to her.

Brendan laughed, got up off the ice and offered his hand to Max. "Don't worry Max, you'll get the hang of it. Max grabbed his hand and pulled herself up. "Ok, now how do we do this?" she asked.

"Well Max, skating is not that hard. What you have to is slide on one foot with one in front of the other," he said showing her, "Let's let you get used to the ice first." He grabbed both of her arms with his hands and while she tried to skate he held on to her.

Max slipped along the ice comma trying not to fall again. "Are you sure I'm doing this right?" she asked.

"You're doing far better than me,” he said.

"Well comma I used to skate a lot when I was younger. Did they not have anywhere to skate in Ireland?"

"I never had time with running the tavern,” she said comma as she unknowingly began to skate by herself.

Brendan let go of Max's hands slowly as she began to skate by herself. She had not gotten skating down too well yet, but enough for her to skate on her own.

Brendan grabbed her hands again. "You were doing fine comma you just need balance."

"Well comma I have balance comma just not on ice," she said as she began to bask in his touch.

Brendan smiled and became lost in Max's emerald green eyes.
Max looked up at Brendan and caught him staring at her. They stood there staring at each other as the snow fell around them.

Brendan was so lost in Max's eyes that he began to lean towards her without knowing it. His lips lightly touched hers waiting for her reaction.


Max slowly began to react. She was surprised at first comma she hadn't expected him to kiss her. She gradually wrapped her arms around his neck and began to deepen the kiss.

The kiss was disturbed though comma by a loud laugh at the edge of the rink. Brendan broke from the kiss and looked over at the edge of the ring to see Vincent laughing and pointing at them.

"Oh no," Max moaned and struggled to get off the ice.
Brendan helped Max get off the ice comma then walked over to Vincent and punched him in the mouth.

Note: Saying Brendan walked over to Vincent (with his skates) to punch him in the mouth doesn't sound right. Delete (with his skates)

"I'm tired of your crap Vince."

Vince didn't budge much and yelled back at Brendan, "Calm down comma man."

Brendan yelled back, "How can I be calm when you are acting like a fool ?"

Max walked up and punched Vincent right in the nose. "I would watch what you say, comma if I was you comma buddy

"I wouldn't laugh at me from now on comma you may not know what will happen," Max told Vincent. Vincent walked off cursing.
Brendan shook his head. "He does not know when to quit."

"I just found that out," said Max, "Let's head back to my house, there is something I want to show you."

Regards, jackson
24
24
Review of Kiss of Death 1  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)

Anniversary Reviews email siggie
Image #2332475 over display limit. -?-

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Hello IrishHuntress,
I see it's the anniversary of your becoming a member of WdC. In my review, I'll list anything which needs to be edited, and below the listings, a suggested edit. Punctuation is what I'll be looking at today. towards the end of the review, I'll make a few comments on the story . . .

Edit list

#1 It was the first day back to school after Christmas break for the students at Falcon College, but to some it was their first day.

Xavier walked down the hall trying to find her history class this being her first day.

Brendan and Vincent, two students watched as they . . .


It was the first day back to school after Christmas break for the students at Falcon College, but to some comma it was their first day.

Xavier walked down the hall trying to find her history class comma this being her first day.

Brendan and Vincent, two students comma watched as they . . .

#2 She wore black goth clothing and a flame pendent . . .


She wore black goth clothing and a flame pendant . . .

#3 Xavier walked past two guys that were staring at her. “What so there something wrong with the way I look?”


Xavier walked past two guys who were staring at her. “What comma so there is something wrong with the way I look?”

#4 Brendan stared at her unable to speak due to her beauty.


Brendan stared at her comma unable to speak due to her beauty.

#5 "Well you know what I don’t care what you think and I don’t appreciate you staring at me,” she looked at Brendan, “What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue buddy boy?”


"Well comma you know what comma I don’t care what you think and I don’t appreciate you staring at me period" She looked at Brendan period “What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue comma buddy boy?”

#6 "I ah... oh... ahh..." Brendan could not speak. Vincent laughed and hit Brendan in the shoulder.


"I ah... oh... ahh..." Brendan could not speak. Vincent laughed and hit Brendan on the shoulder.

#7 Vincent thought that the name sounded like one of a male but he never said anything about that. "Hello Xavier," said Brendan finally speaking.

“Oh so he does know how to talk,” said Xavier.


Vincent thought delete (that) the name sounded like that of a male comma but he never said anything. "Hello Xavier," said Brendan comma finally speaking.

“Oh comma so he does know how to talk,” said Xavier.

#8 "No I don’t have one nor do I have a need for one and plus what’s any business of yours? Oh look a guy who blushes.”


"No comma I don’t have one comma nor do I have a need for one period How's that any business of yours? Oh look comma a guy who blushes.”

#9 Brendan stopped blushing and looked at the ground. "Temper, temper there goth girl," said Vincent walking off to his next class.

“I would be watching what you call me,” she yells after Vincent, “Why can’t you look a girl in the eye boy?”


Brendan stopped blushing and looked at the ground. "Temper, temper comma delete (there) goth girl," said Vincent and walked off to his next class.

“I would be watching what you call me,” Xavier yelled after Vincent period “Why can’t you look a girl in the eye comma boy?”

#10 He has no girlfriend because the way he acts and what he says."

“Well I’m used to it and I have been called worse for years. What about you?”

"Me? Well I just hang around Vincent.

“Well you shouldn’t hang out with a guy who talks that way to girls, you look too nice to do that.”

"Why thank you Xavier," replied Brendan. The two of them started to continue walking. "He is a good guy though, well most of the time. What class do you have?"


"He has no girlfriend because of the way he acts and what he says."

“Well comma I’m used to it comma and I have been called worse for years . . ."

"Me? Well comma I just hang around Vincent.

“Well comma you shouldn’t hang out with a guy who talks that way to girls, you look too nice to do that.”

"Why thank you comma Xavier," replied Brendan. The two of them started walking. "He is a good guy though, well comma most of the time. What class do you have next?"

#11 "No I have not I just started, this is my first day.

"Well if you have no one to have lunch with I would be gladly to join you."

“Ok why not?"


No comma I have not comma I just started, this is my first day."

"Well comma if you have no one to have lunch with comma I would be glad to to join you."

“Ok comma why not?"

#12 "Well in history right now I have Renaissance."


Well comma in history right now comma I have Renaissance."

#13 "I have that class after lunch. No this essay is for ancient history,” she said, “


"I have that class after lunch. No comma this essay is for ancient history,” she said period"

#14 "Well today I have the Renaissance and after lunch I have a general education class in literature."


Well comma today I have the Renaissance comma and after lunch comma I have a general education class in literature."

#15 "There is the one in B building and there is one on E building."


There is the one in B building and there is one in E building."

#16 "I don’t care, either one is fine with me even though I don’t know where they are."


"I don’t care, either one is fine with me comma even though I don’t know where they are."

#17 "After your class right now I'll meet you right here," said Brendan, "Is that okay?"


"After your class right now comma I'll meet you right here," said Brendan period "Is that okay?"

#18 Finally class ended, Xavier waited outside her class for Brendan. She thought that he seemed to be a nice guy and wondered if his thoughts were filled of her like hers are of him.


Finally class ended, Xavier waited outside her class for Brendan. She thought that he seemed to be a nice guy and wondered if his thoughts were filled with her comma as hers were of him.

#19 "That is very interesting that you own a tavern, and of course I'm sorry over your parents passing."


"That is very interesting that you own a tavern, and comma of course comma I'm sorry over your parents passing."

#20 "No it's in the country," she replied.


"No comma it’s in the country,” she replied.

#21 "Well there is not much interesting about me," replied Brendan, "My whole life I have lived in this area, born and raised.


"Well comma there is not much interesting about me," replied Brendan, "My whole life I have lived in this area period I was born and raised here."

"22 Not as interesting as owning a tavern I must say."


"It's not as interesting as owning a tavern I must say."

#23 "Well I live off campus How old are you?”

“Well comma I live off campus period How old are you?”

#24 Finally Brendan snapped out of his dream state.


Finally comma Brendan snapped out of his dream state.

Comments

It is an interesting story about two young people meeting at college and becoming romantically involved . . .

Two friends, Vincent and Brendan, meet the new girl, Xavier, at college. She's beautiful, Brendan is smitten, and Vincent busys himself being the usual cow pie he actually is. Xavier develops feelings for Brendan. They arrange a date, dinner at her place . . . Vincent keeps showing up at inopportune moments . . .

The dialog is good, a fine example of the speech of young, college students. The flow of the story is not confusing to the reader, a big plus in stories with a lot of dialog. A good job . . .

Regards, jackson


























25
25
Review of Camping..  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)

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Hi Captaintaya,

Happy WdC account anniversary. Hey, this is a pretty good story about a family on a camping trip. The man seems, to me, to be some kind of half-baked cow pie. He sort of ruins the whole trip. It begins with the man and woman buying some drinking alcohol. He flirts with a woman in the store to start the camping trip in the direction he wants it to go.

It's a good story, I enjoyed reading it. Below, I'll make some suggestions for editing . . . punctuation, a word every now and again and anything else I notice. To simplify things, I'll write your words first, and below those, my suggestions for editing.

#1 Earlier that day we made an agreement to not get too heavy on the alcohol as we walked into the liquor store picking up beers and revs.

Earlier that day comma we made an agreement to not get too heavy on the alcohol as we walked into the liquor store picking up beers and revs.

#2 Knowing deep in my stomach that it was all a lie, I still wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt as I hand the lady fifty bucks for the drinks and start to walk away watching him flirt with some other chick at the cash register, explaining to her where we are at for camping in the evening and that she should come on out for some music and drinks.

Knowing deep in my stomach that it was all a lie, I still wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt as I hand the lady fifty bucks for the drinks and start to walk away period I watch him flirt with some other chick at the cash register, explaining to her where we are delete (at for) camping in the evening and suggesting she should come on out for some music and drinks.

#3 We get into the van and drive up the road some before he even glares my direction to dare and speak even a word to me. He knows I know he was flirting but I wasn't about to let it ruin my night with the kids and everyone else that was joining us in a little family gathering.

We get into the van and drive up the road some before he glares in my direction and dares to speak to me. He knows I know he was flirting comma but I wasn't about to let it ruin my night with the kids and everyone else who was joining us in a little family gathering.

#4 We pull up to the gas station as he jumps out of the van and gets some gas I take a quick run into the store to pick up some gum. For some reason I love chewing gum when drinking. Bad habit I suppose but I enjoy it. He climbs back in and I get in and we drive off yet again.

We pull up to the gas station and he jumps out of the van and gets some gas period I take a quick run into the store to pick up some gum. For some reason comma I love chewing gum when I'm drinking. It's a bad habit comma I suppose comma but I enjoy it. He climbs back in comma and I get in and we drive off yet again.

#5 Not our fault he's no fun and we enjoy things that he don't. Perhaps if he'd lighten up a bit he'd enjoy some of the songs and fun times laughing and smiling with the kids too.

It's not our fault he's not any fun and we enjoy things that he dosn't. Perhaps comma if he'd lighten up a bit comma he'd enjoy some of the songs and fun times laughing and smiling with the kids too.

#6 He rolled his eyes at me and kept driving making loud annoying sighs enough to drive a person batty.

He rolled his eyes at me and kept driving comma while making loud annoying sighs that were enough to drive a person batty.

#7 We pull into the camp site and ask for where our family has set up at and what reserved space we are placed to at the courtesy desk.

We pull into the camp site and ask at the courtesy desk where our family has set up camp and what reserved space we are in.

#8 Lucky for us its right next door to all the fun.

Lucky for us comma it's right next door to all the fun.

#9 Kids are in the back seat highly excited to see everyone there waiting for us, as they rush to unbuckle each other and laughing while they near jump out of the van. We smile and start getting things unpacked and set up while the kids trot off to the park up the trail. While were setting up we decide to enjoy a few drinks with the family and get into the fun of camping. Aunts cooking on the bbq and uncle is relaxing in the chair while their sons help us set up the tent and toss our things inside.

The kids are in the back seat comma highly excited to see everyone there waiting for us period

They rush to unbuckle each other and laugh while they nearly jump out of the van.
We smile and start getting things unpacked and set up comma while the kids trot off to the park up the trail. While we're setting up comma we decide to enjoy a few drinks with the family and get into the fun of camping. Aunt's cooking on the bbq and uncle is relaxing in the chair comma while their sons help us set up the tent and toss our things inside.

#10 This whole time he never speaks to me, not even look in my direction, perhaps afraid to talk to me, I really don't know what the reason was but it didn't bother me too much I was having a great time with his aunt cooking and cleaning up . . .

This whole time he never speaks to me, not even looking in my direction period Perhaps comma he's afraid to talk to me, I really don't know what the reason is comma but it doesn' bother me too much period I was having a great time with his aunt cooking and cleaning up . . .

#11 We have the radio playing good old country tunes as the laughter continues from the men in the back ground talking about woman and other foolishness as they always do when we gather. We give a quick holler out to the kids to come and eat and they come running as quick as their little feet will take them as if its the last meal of their life they really dive right into it.

We have the radio playing good old country tunes as the laughter continues from the men in the background talking about women and other foolishness as they always do when we gather. We give a quick holler out to the kids to come and eat period They come running as quick as their little feet will bring them comma as if its the last meal of their life period They really dive right into it.

#12 Helping clean up is always hectic but fun. I like splashing dish water on the men and blowing bubbles on the kids period They run comma acting like they don't like it! I enjoy telling the men if they don't help, their next meal will be on the same plate they just ate from.

Comments

I enjoyed reading your story; you're a good storyteller.
I hope my review helps you in some way.

Regards, jackson












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