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I am not an expert reviewer, but I have some small amount of talent in the field of writing. I will not edit your work, but typos, grammar mistakes, etc. will be pointed out if I see them. I will give you my impression of your work, encourage you, and do my best to review the work.
I'm good at...
I do my best, whether I am good at it or not.
Favorite Genres
Action/adventure
Least Favorite Genres
Science fiction.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and
Least Favorite Item Types
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I will not review...
Novels.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)


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Hello Shannon,
. . . picked your name from a list, congratulations on being with Writing.Com another year.

I absolutely loved your story. It was like watching a movie. You gave just enough between the scenes, and when shifting to the next paragraph, you did it seamlessly. I liked the way you filled in the background details by having the character reminisce . . . the story is packed with action drawn out of the character's thoughts. Excellent work . . .

Look out! There's an adverb in the sentence above. . . . I use them if I feel like it.

Beginning with paragraph one and proceeding to the end of the story, I'll type your paragraph or sentence, then follow whatever I typed, with suggested edits.

#1 paragraph five

I haven't seen another breather for two weeks, and even then they were few and far between.

I haven't seen another breather for two weeks, and even then comma they were few and far between.

#2 paragraph six

At the very least I need ammo, food, water, a fresh set of clothes would be nice, some candles, a new pair of . . .

At the very least comma I need ammo, food, water, a fresh set of clothes would be nice, some candles, a new pair of . . .

#3 paragraph seven

#1 I've slept in trees, shit in ditches, and like Rambo I've eaten things that would make a billy goat puke, but I'm still here.

I've slept in trees, shit in ditches, and like Rambo comma I've eaten things that would make a billy goat puke, but I'm still here.

#2 If you’re reading this I've already moved on to the next
town.

If you’re reading this comma I've already moved on to the next town.

#4 paragraph ten

I headed for the hills. I figured where there were fewer people there’d be fewer LDs, and where there were fewer LDs I’d be less likely to have my face eaten off in my sleep.

I headed for the hills. I figured where there were fewer people comma there’d be fewer LDs, and where there were fewer LDs comma I’d be less likely to have my face eaten off in my sleep.

#5 paragraph twelve

I saw a teenage girl rip the crucifix necklace off a LD in Pennsylvania . . .

I saw a teenage girl rip the crucifix necklace off an LD in Pennsylvania . . .

The article (An) is always used before words pronounced or spelled with a vowel sound. The article (A) is used before words spelled or pronounced with a consonant sound.

#6 paragraph thirteen

Surely I can’t be the only one left, can I?

Surely comma I can’t be the only one left, can I?

Surely, is an introductory word for the whole sentence which follows it, as such, a comma needs to be placed after it.

#7 paragraph fifteen

My name is Devin Daniels. I was born in Belvidere New Jersey on June 29, 1991.

My name is Devin Daniels. I was born in Belvidere comma New Jersey on June 29, 1991. I

#8 Paragraph sixteen

If I make it out of here alive my next stop will be Brush, Colorado.

If I make it out of here alive comma my next stop will be Brush, Colorado.

Comments


Like I said in the beginning; I loved your story.

Regards, jackson
2
2
Review of The Kinfolks  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)

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Hello Kodah.
I'll be reviewing your story, The Kinfolks, today. Congrats on being with WdC another year.

First, I'll look over the story for technical issues, then I'll be giving you my thoughts about it. Below, you will find a few edit suggestions, these are made solely to improve your writing experience.

Suggested edits

Beginning with the first paragraph, I'll list below any issues which present themselves to me. I'll write your passage first, then a suggested edit.

#1 . . . second paragraph.

Holding his breath he listened to the sounds of the night.

Holding his breath comma he listened to the sounds of the night.

#2 . . . third paragraph.

Drawing nearer was the sound of a woman's shrill voice piercing the air. "Ye better hope you find em', or y’all will be the ones picking up all the chores and from now on."

Drawing nearer was the sound of a woman's shrill voice piercing the air. "Ye better hope ye find em', or y’all will be the ones picking up all the chores period And from now on."

When a woman uses a dialect to speak her first word (Ye) she is most likly going to continue in the same dialect to speak her fourth word, (ye.) . . . to be consistent.

The last sentence needs to become two sentences, to put emphasis on, "And from now on."

#3 . . . fifth paragraph.

Charlie winced. "Well, I didn’t figure he’d be stupid enough to head into the forbidden forest.” Charlie pleaded. “We almost caught the little runt, but then Junior got spooked and wanted to turn back." He rolled his eyes. "Oh, there ain’t nothin’ out here,” Earl scoffed. “Those are just old tales made up to scare the hobos and littluns’.”

In the instance above, you need to begin a new paragraph when Earl begins to speak.

Charlie winced. "Well, I didn’t figure he’d be stupid enough to head into the forbidden forest.” Charlie pleaded. “We almost caught the little runt, but then Junior got spooked and wanted to turn back." He rolled his eyes.

“Oh, there ain’t nothin’ out here,” Earl scoffed. “Those are just old tales made up to scare the hobos and littluns'."

#4 . . . seventh paragraph.

Since she was 16 Mary had been on the run, trying to raise Billy on her own.

Since she was 16 comma Mary had been on the run, trying to raise Billy on her own.

Since she was sixteen, is an introductory phrase to the rest of the sentence, and needs a comma after it.

#5 . . . eighth paragraph.

Sitting in the forest his gut wrenched thinking about the farm. The prior sentence makes it sound as if his gut is sitting in the forest and thinking about the farm. From sunup to sundown his tiny body toiled away, while the rest of them never lifting a finger. Often he would find himself passed out in the pasture from exhaustion . . .

While he was sitting in the forest comma his gut wrenched as he thought about the farm. From sunup to sundown his tiny body toiled away, while the rest of them never lifted a finger. Often comma he would find himself passed out in the pasture from exhaustion . . .

#6 . . . paragraph nine.

Suddenly he heard the sound of steps.

Suddenly comma he heard the sound of steps.

Suddenly is an adverb which introduces the main part of the setence. A comma should be used after it.

#7 . . . paragraph ten.

All of a sudden he saw Marla walking towards him with Earl and the Cherry Boys.

All of a sudden comma he saw Marla walking towards him with Earl and the Cherry Boys.

#8 . . . twelth paragraph.

And then a loud thrashing only a few feet away. Billy jerked startled by the noise. The sound of Charlie screaming quickly cut off by a gasp. He could hear Junior yelling, what is that!?” And then Marla beginning to make panicked wailing noises. Billy opened his eyes and tried to see what was happening. Earl pleading, the sound of fighting, a gunshot.

And then he heard a loud thrashing only a few feet away. Billy jerked comma startled by the noise. He heard the sound of Charlie screaming comma quickly cut off by a gasp. He could hear Junior yelling, "What is that!?" Marla began to make panicked wailing noises. Billy opened his eyes and tried to see what was happening. Earl was pleading, as Billy heard the sound of fighting and a gunshot.

Further comments

I enjoyed reading this story . . . within it was a lot of imagination, and a surprise ending.

Regards, jackson
3
3
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

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•

Hello elizabeth,

Reviewing signature for the B.E.A.R. Fund.


Today, I'll be reviewing, a death long since forgotten.


The farmhouse . . .

A synopsis of your story in my own words . . .

As I read your story, in my mind I see a farmhouse, it beckons to me, as if it has a secret it wants to get rid of. I open the door and step inside . . . to greet me, there is no one. Dust scuttles from beneath my shoes with each step I take, otherwise, it is clean, but it's complexion is marred by the passing of time. Life has long since fled.

The nursery is an exception. There, life has painted a still portrait of itself. The crib is the centerpiece of this painting. Standing there with an expression of pain on its face, pain at the terrible loss it has suffered, it can barely breathe. I turn and walk away, barely able to breathe myself, and wiping the tears from my eyes. I know, that once, a baby laughed and cried in this lonely crib . . . © j. holloway

Hey, I just realized I wrote a story above . . . thanks for the inspiration. You made me see the things in my spnopsis of your story, by telling your story in such a good manner that my mind dove into the story. Great job . . .

All that aside, your story is a lovely piece of writing. I did notice a few things, I'll list them directly below.

In the sentence below, you need a comma placement.

The air is thick, carrying the memory of what once was comma but is now forever lost.

I'll restructure your next sentence below.

Your sentence

The only movement in the otherwise still room comes from the flimsy, worn curtains that flutter in the draft from the broken window pane.

The only movement comma in the otherwise still room comma comes from the flimsy, worn curtains that flutter in the draft from the broken windowpane.

Windowpane is mispelled . . .

. . . great story.

Regards, jackson
4
4
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
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Hello amy-Finally writing a novel,


This is a jackson review, enjoy. I'll begin with a summary of the things I think need editing in The Bluebird Hotel.

1 First paragraph . . .

Built in the late 1800’s the facade stood foreboding and desolate.

You need a comma after 1800's.

Built in the late 1800’s comma the facade stood foreboding and desolate.

2 First paragraph . . .

Any person walking onto the property immediately felt like assaulted with the feeling of being watched.

Any person walking onto the property immediately felt delete (like) assaulted with the feeling of being watched.

3 First paragraph . . .

For most prospective guests the oak doors seemed to gleam with newness and salutation, but when you went to push through, a forse seemed to be warning them to try their luck elsewhere.

For most prospective guests comma the oak doors seemed to gleam with newness and salutation, but when you went to push through, a force seemed to be warning you to try your luck elsewhere.

You used the pronoun (you) to describe people pushing through the door, so (them) and (they) should be you and your.

3 Third paragraph . . .

The lady at the counter was always polite and wore a large smile, but in her eyes a question shined through, like she was questioning why you had possibly come in.

The lady at the counter was always polite and wore a large smile, but in her eyes a question shined through, like she was questioning why you had possibly
came in.

In the above sentence, you used the present tense verb (come), but by using (had) before the verb, the verb should be in the past tense. (came)

In the final paragraph, I suggest deleting the word even in this sentence, The food and beverages were even strange. Another possibility is to restructure the sentence to, Even the food and beverages were strange.

In another sentence in the final paragraph pasted below, you misspelled weight.

The beds seemed soft. If you sat, though, the mattresses seemed reluctant to take the burden of your wait.

The beds seemed soft. If you sat, though, the mattresses seemed reluctant to take the burden of your weight.

Comments

You did a fine piece of work, making the readers feel as if they were visiting the hotel and seeing all the things the hotel consisted of. Your descriptive passages made the hotel become alive in the mind of the reader.

Regards, jackson
5
5
Review of Heven's Eyes  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)





Reviewing signature for the B.E.A.R. Fund.

Hi NaciraMinan,

Your story is a good story, keep up the good writing. I did notice a few things which, if they were edited, would make the story much better. This review is made in the spirit of helpfulness, from one writer to another. Today, I'll be concentrating on the grammar and punctuation of Heven's Eyes. But not without saying it's a good story. Good job . . .

Suggested edits

Your first sentence is directly below. I'll number any further sentences which need editing.

1 The city eveloped to her like the arms of an octopus with its suckers exposed.

The city enveloped delete (to) her like the arms of an octopus with its suckers exposed.

The city enveloped her like the arms of an octopus with its suckers exposed.

2 Heven kept close watch of those who would go unseen.

Delete the word (of), substitute the word (for).

Heven kept close watch for those who would go unseen.

3 It was surely not the sign which she did find as she turned away from the water.

It was surely not the sign which she delete (did find) as she turned away from the water.

Substitute found for (did find.)

It was surely not the sign which she found as she turned away from the water.

4 Electricity, the veins of the city, coursed under her shoes, their beat: unstopping.

Detete their beat: unstopping substitute its pulse unstopping.

Electricity, the veins of the city, coursed under her shoes, its pulse unstopping.

5 Slowly she walked her Honda up to the big bay door, trying to peer in through centuries of dirt and sweat that covered each window.

Slowly comma she walked her Honda up to the big bay door, trying to peer in through centuries of dirt and sweat that covered each window.

(Slowly) is an introductory word to the rest of the sentence, it needs a comma after it.

6 She couldn’t see any lights from the outside; no telltale red flashings to alert her to further security precautions inside.

Replace the semicolon with a comma. With the use of a semicolon, there must be two complete sentences, or independent clauses, which the semicolon connects. In your sentence, the part of the sentence after the semicolon is a dependent clause, it depends on the part of the sentence before the semicolon to make sense.

7 Nothing else was in the room. No a too-old-for-use delivery van. No rat-scarred equipment. Not even a battered desk took precedence from the immensity of those four walls and vaulted ceiling.

Of these four sentences, two of them have no subject.

No a too-old-for-use delivery van. No rat-scarred equipment.

These two sentences directly above are dependent phrases, they depend on a noun and a verb which should come before them to make sense.

Make the entire sequence one sentence . . .

Nothing else was in the room comma no delete (a) too-old-for-use delivery van comma no rat-scarred equipment comma not even a battered desk took precedence from the immensity of those four walls and vaulted ceiling.

8 In front of her was a heavy door. It looked as though the hinges had been cemeted shut . . .

You mispelled cemented.

Comments

I like your imagery throughout the story. Heven, at last, finds her old love. Your descriptions of the things Heven sees and feels are flawless. Well done . . .

Regards, jackson
6
6
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (3.5)


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Hi Calista,
This is a WdC account anniversary review. I'll be taking a look at The vampire jellyfish today.

It's a story about a jellyfish who's a vampire. It attacks
creatures, including humans, and sucks out their souls . . . . great creativity! It lurks in oceans, waiting for some unsuspecting victim to show up. Beware!

A few things I noticed while reading your story are listed below,

The first sentence of the story is: dared not venture, a strange and terrifying creature drifted through the currents.

Edit suggestions

These few words need a subject, a noun or a pronoun which performs the action of the sentence, I suggest the following: Into this part of the ocean, they dared not venture, a strange and terrifying creature drifted through the currents.

All three words of your title for this item should begin with a capital letter. The writer can title their works however they wish, but custom and the rules of punctuation, indicate that all important words in a title, except for prepositions and articles, should begin with a capital letter.

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I noticed another sentence which needs to be edited; the sentence is directly below.

Its venom was not only a toxin but a curse, capable of draining the life force from a creature and leaving it cold and lifeless, its soul sucked into the jellyfish’s haunting depths.

The comma after curse should be deleted.

Its venom was not only a toxin but a curse delete comma capable of draining the life force from a creature and leaving it cold and lifeless, its soul sucked into the jellyfish’s haunting depths.

Comments

It's a good story, filled with sharp imagery and detail. Good work . . .

Regards, jackson
7
7
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)


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Hello G.F. Frontera,
This is an anniversary review of Orange Juice for One. Congrats on your WdC account anniversary.

I liked your story, it's about a recently divorced man in his new living accommodations. He's sitting, drinking Jameson and smoking cigarettes as he contemplates his new life without a wife. Of all the things he must buy, when as of the moment he has nothing, he's making a list in his mind. He's worried about his children, of how they will see him now. He decides to start over, to start a new life, to quit nursing on Jameson, and if he can, get rid of the cigarettes.

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Edit suggestions


In the following sentences, I will point out edits, using bold letters, that need to be made, use them at your discretion . . .

Sentence 1 He thought about how it use to be, during the hungry years, when all they had was what they needed.

Use is present tense. You are doing it now. Use, in your sentence should be used, because it has already happened in the past.

Sentence 2 He looked what was now his new home. This sentence needs to be, He looked at what was now his new home.

Sentence 3 Making the nut each month comma plus child support comma would leave little for the other things he use change (use) to (used) to do.

Sentence 4 He hoped the kids would be too disappointed and resentful and think he was a loser.

He hoped the kids would not be too disappointed and resentful and think he was a loser.

Sentence 5 The Dollar Store and the Goodwill will be getting most of his business for a while

The Dollar Store and the Goodwill would be getting most of his business for a while period

Sentence 6 The Jameson was starting to take effect and he began to fell sleepy.

The Jameson was starting to take effect and he began to feel sleepy.

Sentence 7 This whole ordeal had made sleeping difficult if not impossible.

This whole ordeal had made sleeping difficult comma if not impossible.

Sentence 8 He forgot about the cigarette he was holding and only remember when it burned his fingers, waking him with a start. Snuffing it out he felt wide-awake again. Another sleepless night.

He forgot about the cigarette he was holding and only remembered when it burned his fingers, waking him with a start. Snuffing it out comma he felt wide-awake again. It was another sleepless night.

Sentence 9 He wanted to pour himself another drink hoping it would knock him out, but the bottle was empty.

He wanted to pour himself another drink comma hoping it would knock him out, but the bottle was empty.

Sentence 10 Looking out he could see tomorrow was already here as the faint glow of a rising sun was . . .

Looking out comma he could see tomorrow was already here as the faint glow of a rising sun was . . .

Comments

It's a good story, a little editing would fix any errors. Write on . . .

Regards, jackson
8
8
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


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Hi a Sunflower in Texas,

. . . just a few woods to honor your WdC account anniversary. Your story has no errors that I can see. It's written well, and tells the tale of a woman acclimating herself to her new house. She goes in, examines everything, all the rooms, the floors . . . She loves the carpet, it's comfortable to lie on, soft against her skin.

She even manages to sort of outsmart the newfangled thermostat. There at the end, she orders the entertainment center to play a Beatles' song.

Well done . . .
Regards, jackson
9
9
Review of November  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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Hi maggie,

. . . an anniversary review in honor of your WdC account anniversary. November, honors your Mom; that's so great! I am sure she knows how you love her.

In the item, you reveal your hurt, your loneliness and your heart's yearning to have your mom again. Don't despair, she is only sleeping, cradled in the memory of our creator. She will live again . . .

November is beautiful. My favorite lines are:

When my soul is softly weeping,
You will come, and I'll be sleeping,
And you'll wrap your arms around me with delight.

. . . lovely.
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Regards, jackson
10
10
Review of Calling Mom  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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Hi Fyn,
. . . another Writing.Com account anniversary review . . .

Comments

I loved this; usually, our most precious one is our mom. Countless times, our hearts cry out for her. In loneliness, we call her name, but she is sleeping in God's memory, waiting to hear our voice again, to touch us with her love. We may know this in our hearts; but still, our love reaches for her comforting presence. We need her! But we must wait until the appointed time when God will once more open her eyes and restore her voice.

Thoughts

Calling Mom is a beautiful work, written with love and longing.

In our hearts, we reach for the telephone . . . we want to hear her voice, we want to touch her with the love in our voice through Bell's contraption. We want to feel her love again. All this, I already know, but in the words of Calling Mom I heard your voice calling for your mom in a way only you can call. Beautiful work . . .

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Regards, jackson
11
11
Review of Adjustment  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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Good morning,

Congratulations on your WdC account anniversary.

Comments

Yes, it was certainly a good morning when I read, Adjustment. You described the space of time between the clouds obscuring the comfort of the sun, and the revealing glory of sunlight as it bursts through, flawlessly. And if you have seen this glory once, the clouds can not obscure it, because you know it it there.

More . . . you likened it to the seeing of humans. You can see the beauty on the outside of humans, but what is it the clouds have obscured?

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Regards, jackson
12
12
Review of The Antagonist  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)


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Hi amy-Finally writing a novel,

. . . an anniversary review of, The Antagonist. Happy account anniversary, may you have many more.

Your first sentence is as follows, 'I was going to make the Mayor of my town, Grand Rock my antagonist, but something else works better.'

You need a comma before and after Grand Rock.

'I was going to make the Mayor of my town, Grand Rock comma my antagonist, but something else works better.

In your story, Lillian seems to find herself in somewhat of a predicament. Being pulled by the merits of both the Town Council and the Parish Council, Lillian is swaying on the rope of indecision. Which one will she support, the Town Council, or the Parish Council?

Both parties to the disagreement have both logic and merit in wanting to own a particular plot of land.

Father Gromely wants the land so he can better the lives of the local children. Mayor Flemming wants to own the plot to use it as a venue for various town functions so the town will have more earning power.

In the next to last paragraph of the story, (earning) needs to be changed to (earnings).

'Having the land for an event venue will add to the town's earnings. she believes.'

So, which party to the dispute will Lillian choose to support ? It's a question Lillian will decide the answer to in the pages of the novel.

. . .good work.

Regards, jackson
13
13
Review of Sky Catcher  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hello HASEYES,
. . . an aniversary review. Another year being a member of Writing. Com. Congratulations.

I am pasting your item below, so the readers can see it and know what I am talking about in my review.

Sky Catcher

I hear a little red robin,
She sings a happy tune.

I see a strong proud hoot owl,
She flies high by the glow of the moon.

I see a nesting snow white dove,
She's priming her soft feathery breast.

I see the old grey alley cat,
And she's put them all to rest.


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My summary

The pretty dove once cleaning her breast, the red robin once singing, the owl once flying in the shadow of the moon, all these I attest, have been laid to their earthly rest, by the old gray alleycat they were summarily blessed. She naps, while they digest.

Comments

I like a writer who's innovative . . . your style is not run-of-the-mill. Great work . . . short and sweet. Your rhymes are not forced, as smooth as peanut butter they slide across the page. No edit suggestions necessary . . .


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Regards, jackson
14
14
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)

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Hi Justyn,
This is an anniversary review, congratulations on your account anniversary. Congratulations also, on having the talent to write a ninety-nine word story.

For a ninety-nine word story, your item is pretty good. I can imagine the looks on the faces of the pharaoh's daughter and her companion . . . After sitting for a long time as a model for a sculpture and having her companion constantly fanning her, the both of them were probably too tired to elude the kiss of the cobra. Pharaoh was going to be angry . . .

. . . great short piece.

I did notice a comma out of place (two spaces away from the word), instead of directly following it. It's in the sentence directly below this . . .

In this instance , keeping the Princess cool and relaxed so the royal sculptor could work uninterrupted was crucial.

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Regards, jackson
15
15
Review of Enemy Territory  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)


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Hello Carly-March into Spring,
I enjoy good stories, so here's another anniversary review.

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Initial comments

•

Finding themselves behind enemy lines is not where the average person would wish to be. But here he was . . . thirteen days of hell, not knowing if he would make it back to his lines, and not even knowing if he would be living when the sun peered above the horizon tommorrow. Staying calm is the number one thing, don't think about your fear, but think . . . if you think enough, you may come up with a way to go back to your own outfit.

•

The reviewers synopsis

Enemy Territory is a story of a man who finds himself in just that situation . . . behind enemy lines. Fear gnawed at him, every step taken wedged the growing lump of fear tighter into his throat. Every move made worried him of being taken by the enemy. It was not a matter of courage, of that he possessed a hefty measure. It was the feeling of hopelessness settling over him. The unknown lay before him, and he must traverse it sucessfully to stay alive. He knew this, but still the thoughts would not relent. What if he was captured? What if he was killed? What if . . . Worries filled his mind, but he couldn't just sit on his rear end. He must, somehow, make it back to his own lines. Moving mosty by night and catnapping here and there during the days was wearing him out, but he had no choice. His food was running out, the fear had long since gone, and dread had taken its place. If only . . .

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Conclusion of synopsis

He hears voices, the enemy? Fear again jerks at him, but he stays calm, ready for what comes next. Closer . . . and he sees it is men from his own unit. Despair melts away . . .

•

Suggested edits

Throughout the story, there are quite a few instances where there are double spaces between the end of one sentence and the beginning of new sentences.

In the fourth paragraph cat napped should be catnapped.

In the same paragraph, . . . roamed me cerebral cortex needs to be, roamed my cerebral cortex.

In the seventh paragraph a semicolon needs to be removed from the sentence below and replaced by a comma, and I was needs to be the beginning of the sentence.

Screaming out to God in my mind; asking for his protection.

I was screaming out to God in my mind comma asking for his protection.

Final comments

The story was excellent, exciting, and showed the emotions of the main character with skill. Very good writing . . .

Regards, jackson
16
16
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)


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Hello SAC,
It's the anniversary of the month you created your WdC account. Enjoy this anniversary review.

Comments

Dad's are special to their offspring. I see your's was special. I am glad to see you wrote this item to honor your father.

He was an automobile mechanic with his own garage. I like how you used the tools of a mechanic's trade, and the jobs a car shop owner performs, with a steady diet of grease and oil, to write this. It flows well, with a melody from your heart.

I really liked this, it reminds me of the special times of the late 1950's and the 1960's. Things were good back then . . . I enjoyed imagining your Dad checking his sign every day and preparing for customers, working late to get a job done, and doing honest work to feed his family and reputation. From reading this, I can see he was a down-home friendly type of person. You were lucky . . .

Suggested edits

Only one thing, I see you use a series of periods to trail off sentences, to follow the rules of punctuation, the ellipis should consist of three periods. Sometimes, you used six or four.

. . .great work.

Regards, jackson
17
17
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
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Hi Rojodi,
This is a Writing.Com account anniversary review. Congrats . . .

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Story summary

Longfellow Darke is to be married shortly, but at the present time he unfolds the piece of paper his bride's sister had handed to him.

He had never seen a Dear John letter, but he was looking at one now. The hurt stabbed him, clutched at his heart repeatedly and throbbed through his temples.

But in the end, despite his hurt, he would survive. He wanted to wad up the note and toss it, but he stared àt the words . . . I do love you, but I am not in love with you. He stood up, and called out to his friends, "Let's go get some food, I'm starving."

That was when he saw her . . . the other woman, she was still beautiful.

As he walked to the limo on the way to get drunk, he looked back, she was gone. How had she known to come?

Comments

It's a fine story, told in an original manner. It shows the pain a man might feel when, at his wedding, he is handed a Dear John letter. and it shows the strength a man must have to expel this hurt from his heart.
Good writing . . .

Suggested edits

In the next to last paragraph, I noticed a sentence. The sentence, by using the word (was), establishes the past tense of the sentence.

Longfellow looked back to find the familiar face, but she was gone, the church’s door slowly closing told him that she left. He had no time to dwell on her, his groomsmen came and took him to the waiting limo.

To keep the tense consistent, you need to add (had) in the final clause of the first sentence.

. . . the church's door slowly closing told him she had left.

In the fourth paragraph the sentence below needs a comma.

Pre-wedding superstitions he was told.

Pre-wedding superstitions comma he was told.

In the third paragraph, I noticed a sentence is not a complete sentence. Also, the comma after (brownstone) should not be there, and the word (into) should be deleted. I have written the sentence directly after this sentence.

No whispers from the ghosts that inhabited the brownstone, where Melissa had moved into a year before since it was closer to her job at Oldham and Newbury Attorneys, LLC.

There were no whispers from the ghosts that inhabited the brownstone delete comma where Melissa had moved delete into the year before since it was closer . . .

Sentence after addition and deletions


There were no whispers from the ghosts that inhabited the brownstone where Melissa had moved the year before since it was closer . . .

Final thoughts

I enjoyed reading your story

Regards, jackson
18
18
Review of NO REWARDS  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)


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Hello Madam The Mystic,
A WdC account anniversary review for you . . . Congratulations
on another year here at WdC.

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Initial comments

Terrorists have no proper place on earth, instead, they should be beneath the earth, six feet under, soaked in lye to make them disappear faster.
Murderers, rapists and several other varieties of the dregs of humanity are no exception. They too, create terror. They need to experience terror in their own minds.

Thoughts on your story

It's a good message you send in your story. It is important for children not to be trained to be suicide bombers. A child can be filled with hate, so deeply that they are willing to die themselves, as long as they kill others in the moment of their dying. The humans filled with hate and evil deceive innocent children into thinking they are blessed with eternal life if they give their life to kill the evil one's enemies.

Pure evil has filled the childs' hearts with joy, joy of the thought that they will be rewarded by God for the killings they commit, and joy that they have pleased the evil ones by doing what they were trained to do.


Edit suggestions

Scattered about in the upper portion of your story, the beginning part where the print is small, there are at least four places where there are two spaces between words, rather than the standard one space.

In the same upper portion, you use the word (sometimes.) In this case, sometimes is an adverb which modifies the entire sentence which comes after it; it is also an introductory word introducing the following contents of the sentence, a comma should be placed after (sometimes.) In the same sentence you typed the instead of they.

Sometimes comma they fight over territories or resources and many times they fight for religious beliefs.

In the sentence directly following this sentence, but needs to be deleted.

While not much can be done to stop these groups that are in control of the training that these individuals receive before they are sent out on suicide bombing missions, delete the word (but) but with the proper knowledge and information, they will be better equipped to resist their influence.

Final comments

It's a fairly good story with a strong message about terrorists, but the all capital letters in the lower half sort of distract the reader.

Regards, jackson
19
19
Review of Death's sorrow  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)


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Congratulations on being a member of Writing.Com another year.

Hi elisabeth,

Initial thoughts

I'm back again, looking at your stories . . . oh my, here I am in the company of some exquisite words and thoughts, just looking at them. They lie on the page as if they might be a bouquet of roses. I wish for the one who laid the roses on the page to know how talented I think she is. You've got something . . . what it is, I can't describe, but it's there. Water the roses with more words, water them today, tomorrow, and forever. With water, they will bloom, develop seeds and new roses will grow where once stood a rose in need of companions.

A summary of Death's sorrow

The room in the cancer ward is quiet, deathly so. A little girl lies there on the bed, waiting . . . she knows he will come. A knock upon the door, it opens, and there he stands. She knows who he is, and what he has came for. She does not cry.

He stands there for a moment, listening to her as she speaks, "Please make it quick: I have hurt for a long time."

He steps closer, takes her hand in his.

"It has already happened," he whispers.

Hand in hand, they walk toward Paradise . . . today, he is The Sad Reaper.

Edit suggestions

In the first few sentences of your item, I noticed a couple of words . . .

The words I noticed are directly below this . . .

I knock gently at the hospital door.
Inside the sterile white room
in the tiny bed with rough, blue-knit covers
lays a little girl
who's hair is gone
and who's lips are cracked and dry.

Who's is a contraction for, who is. To show whose it is, or who it belongs to, use whose.

Lays is used to describe the action, lies is when the action is already complete.

Example: He lays her down in the bed, and there she lies.

. . . great writing.

Regards, jackson
20
20
Review of The Notice  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


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Hi Carly-March into spring,

Congratulations on being here at WdC another year. Nice, isn't it?
I'll be reviewing, The Notice, today. I'll begin with a short synopsis of the story. The reason for my synopsis is so the author will know whether I actually read their story, whether there were any confusing parts and the noticing of any technical errors. To me, a review is akin to a book report, no review is complete unless you tell what the story is about . . .

Synopsis

Marlene trembled while reading the post, tears crawled down her cheekbones. Finally, it was her son's turn. Anthony would be scared . . . Marlene remembered her own notice. The government had a policy that all people reaching the age of thirteen years must leave the planet and spend one year off-planet, in a designated school.

For some, it was heartbreaking, for Marlene it had been. For her mother and father, it had been. She could still see the mist of her mother's heart spreading across her cheeks and the heartbreak which gathered in her eyes and formed little rivulets alongside her nose. The forlorn expression on her father's face told of his misery. It had been a nightmare for her, she had been too young to be forced from the love and care of her father and mother and forced to live with strangers. But it was the law, the law of the ones with power, there had been nothing . . . nothing they could do, except obey.

The failure to obey the notice would result in severe penalties and fines levied upon the parents, there was no escape . . . The notice informed her it was her son's time to leave, to be torn away from his mother and father and placed in a school off-planet, under the authority of, who knows . . . Were they kind? Could they instill in the heart of a precious child the love and kindness a mother could? Her mind somewhat calmed itself, at least she knew where he was going, that he would not be a slave of abuse as she had been.

She and her husband had scrimped and saved so Anthony could go to a better school than she had. It would be hard, missing him, but they would survive. For this, she gave thanks.

Comments

It is a fine story, easily understandable and follows a good path from the beginning to the end.

Edit suggestions

There are a few places, scattered here and there, where there is more than one space between words.

In paragraph six a semicolon should be changed to a comma. Semicolons join two independent clauses, both the clause before the semicolon and the clause after the semicoln need to be independent clauses in order for a semicolon to be used. The section of your sentence after the semicolon is shown below, . . . two mere six hour sleeps and meals on their feet. That part of the sentence is a dependent clause which is why you need a comma there.

. . . great writing, I loved the story.

Regards, jackson
21
21
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)


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Hello Megan Rose,
Good morning,
Today, I'll be sending you a review of, A Princess Searches Her Heart.



A summary of your story

This particular princess is unhappy; her father has chosen the man she will marry, as kings are wont to do. But the princess, like all girls, wants to fall in love and marry the man of her heart. Somewhere inside her, there also dwells a sense of loyalty to her father. What is she to do? Will she defy her father? Will she run away? The battle taking place in her heart and mind showed no mercy. It consumed her. Will the prince win her heart?

She does not want to marry a man she does not love, a stranger. But as the days go by, sometimes they are alone, and he kisses her. Her heart tingles . . . She begins to think. Do I now have feelings for this man? Is he the one for me? My heart is not sad anymore, my heart jumps when he touches me.

And so the days passed, till the princess knew she wanted him. Her heart became happy and in love. She wanted his kisses, his love, attention and kindness. So the princess' heart changed to one of love toward the man her father had chosen for her.

Comments

It's a good story, Megan. I see you like writing stories of long ago. You do it well. I always enjoy your stories.

Regards, jackson
22
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Review of The Do-Over  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

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Hi Hugh Wesley,
. . .another anniversary review, this time the story, Do-Over. See my summary of your story immediately below.

Robert was somewhat of a grouch. On this night Robert, after drinking some buttermilk was going to put his glass in the sink, but before he got there, the rear porch light came on. Lousy cat, he thought.

The motion detector had been his wife's idea. Robert continued to the sink, then headed upstairs, before he got to the steps, there was a knock on the back door. Visitors in the night? He hated that. On the way to see who it was, he noticed the calendar, October the thirty-first. He went to the back door, flung it open and the porch was empty . . .

Yelling at the kids he thought were trick or treating, Robert fumed. Then it was that he noticed, he was not on his porch anymore, but he was facing a house, a strange house. The door of the house was opened and Robert and a lady stood staring at each other.

She held a bowl of candy and was much taller than him, a couple of heads. She laughed.

"Well, aren't you going to say trick or treat or something? Hey, that's a neat old man mask you're wearing. Where did you get it?"

Comments/edit suggestions

It's a good story with a sinister ending: I think Robert was wishing he was back home.

The sentence below needs the word of added.

Robert just blinked, staring up at the lady who was a couple of heads taller than him.

Great work . . .

Regards, jackson
23
23
Review of Old Faithful  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

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Hi Hugh Wesley,
I like this story; it's short and sweet. Congratulations on being with WdC another year. Here's a review in honor of that.

A synopsis of your story

Yeah, there's a few things a boy can't tell anyone but his dog. The boy tells his dog about his woes. Says he wished that yellow-haired bully, who troubled him everyday, would just up and disappear. Now, ole Ralph, his dog, was a good dog . . . he cocked his head that way and this, listening to every word the boy spoke to him.

The next day, the bully didn't come to school, and when the boy was going home, up ahead, there was ole Ralph, waiting for him, had something in his mouth . . . yellow-haired.

It looked like what used to be the bully was now ole Ralph's chew toy. The boy didn't have any more troubles with bullies after thay. Ole Ralph was a good dog . . .

Comments/edit suggestion

A fantastic story. . . great! But to make it more appealing to the eyes, it would read better if formatted into just a couple of paragraphs.

Regards, jackson
24
24
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


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Hi PlaguePreacher,

My time for reviews is almost up for today, so I'll just say I liked your story; you did a good job with the details of the two, used to be, best friends. You described the condition of the wounded soldier aptly. To me, it seemed as if the two were adversaries there at the end, with the injured one wanting the other one to go ahead and put him out of his misery.

I did notice that you put your terminal puncuation, periods, etc. outside of the quotation marks in your dialog sentences.
Any punctuation at the end of a sentence of dialog goes, with no spaces in between, right after the sentence.

Always, the terminal punctuation at the end of sentences should be placed immediately after the last letter in the last word of the sentence, then the quotation marks.

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Good writing . . .

Regards, jackson
25
25
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)


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Hello Phoenix,
Congrats on being with WdC another year. I'll get right into this review of, Running away from home. I understand what you are saying in this work. Some parents are cruel. Sometimes, children can not handle being browbeat day after day. They might make the decision to run away, but on occasion, they find they have stepped from a bad situation into one which might lead to their death. Your work speaks of what might happen to a runaway.

There were a few spots in the work where the rhymes appeared forced, but overall, you did a good job. Write some more, practice helps you become better.

While reading it, I noticed a line . . .

The world it just a show. It needs to be, The world is just a show, for correct speech, or you could write it as,
The world, it's just a show.

Nice work . . . keep on writing.

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Regards, jackson

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