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I am not an expert reviewer, but I have some small amount of talent in the field of writing. I will not edit your work, but typos, grammar mistakes, etc. will be pointed out if I see them. I will give you my impression of your work, encourage you, and do my best to review the work.
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Public Reviews
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126
126
Review of The Black Rider  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Anniversary Reviews email siggie


J. Lynn Lindsay, hello.

Congratulations on being with WdC for another year. Today, I'll be reviewing your story, The Black Rider.

Initial comments

I chuckled at the name of the saloon. The Rusty Crow Saloon, fits your story well. And the black rider, I felt that his heart was black, seeing as how his wife was murdered by a bunch of no-goods. He extracts sweet retribution in the end.

A synopsis of your story

The man rode into the town of Hell's Bend, appearing dangerous to the observing eyes. Black were his clothes and his horse, and in his heart, black thoughts dwelled.

When he stepped inside the saloon, the bartender tried to kill him, and the six other men inside, tried to draw their guns. They failed, and three, including the bartender, perished on the floor. The other four hid in the saloon.

A Positive Hearts review.

For the group signatures


His business not quiet finished, the man exited the saloon, went to his horse, and from his saddlebags extracted four sticks of dynamite. Taping them together, he through them into The Rusty Crow Saloon, mounted his horse and rode away. Behind him in the saloon, an explosion finished his business . . .

Plot, antagonists and resolution

This story has all three elements of a good story. Fine work . . .

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Suggested edits

This sentence in the second paragraph has two periods at its end. His spurs rang in time with his smooth gait as he strode down the boardwalk. .

In the fifth paragraph . . . Fast as lightening the man palmed his Colts and began firing. Fast as lightening, is an introductory phrase for the rest of the sentence, it needs a comma after it.

Reviewing signature for the B.E.A.R. Fund.

I enjoyed reading, The Black Rider, good work . . .

Regards, jackson
127
127
Review of My secret spot  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)

An Anniversary Review review


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Hi Amindthattravels,

Good morning, congratulations on the anniversary of your WdC account. I enjoyed reading, My secret spot.

Note: All three words of the title should begin with a capital letter.

A synopsis of your story

It's a tale of a character who has a special place, not only in her heart, but in her reality. On this particular day, she is sitting, with her feet dangling in the water, enjoying her solitude, her treasure. While sitting, she observes the beautiful sounds and sights within reach of her vision and hearing. Sometimes, thoughts crawl through her mind.

The water of the lake itself is hidden, yet exposed to the knowing eye. To her, it's beautiful. As she watches . . . raindrops fall and sink into its surface. Fizzle . . .fizzle . . . ping, plop.

The lake is in a cave, but it is open to the sky above. The lake is delightful during the day, yet it is terrifying after dark. As she sits there, twilight begins its slow fall, and she prepares to leave. Drying herself with a towel, she stumbles back to the water's edge. There, she peers into the clear water. A hand rises, grasps her wrist and pulls her under. As she goes down, she sees before her, the lights of a city. Atlantis . . . she breathes. Atlantis . . .


The plot, the details

As indicated above, your plot, the details of the story and the telling of it works well for this reader. A good job . . .

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A Positive Hearts review.

For the group signatures


Reviewing signature for the B.E.A.R. Fund.


Things which distract the reader . . . spelling and punctuation.

A synopsis of the punctuation/spelling.

In the first paragraph this sentence needs a comma.

You see, the lake is hidden by the stone walls of the cave yet there is no roof.

Yet, in this instance, is a conjunction joining two independent clauses; you need a comma after cave.

You see, the lake is hidden by the stone walls of the cave comma yet there is no roof.

In the second paragraph treasure is spelled as tressure.

These two sentences in the third paragraph need commas.

Sometimes comma it seems like there is a whole other world down there.

One time comma I swear I saw yellow eyes stare at me.

Sometimes in the first sentence, and One time in the second sentence, are both introductory words preceeding the main part of the sentences. An introductory word or phrase needs a comma after it.

In the fourth paragraph a sentence needs a comma.

When I'm done comma I notice the sun has already set.

I hope these suggestions are of help to you.

Regards, jackson
128
128
Review of One For The Road  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)


Hello vondie,
Today, I'll be reviewing your item, One For The Road.

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Congrats on your WdC account anniversary.

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For the group signatures

Let's take a peek inside your item and see what we can see.

What the reader sees in this story

The first thing they see, is that there is no leadup to allow the reader to get some sense of what is happening . . . I mean, out of nowhere, a conversation starts. You need to , in the beginning, give us a line or two about each character, telling us why each character happens to be in the bar. Then, have the man approach the woman and begin their conversation. And I see, there is no conclusion to the story, except the man buys the woman a drink.

What you do have in this item, is the possibility of a good short story. Below is your story, and below that, I will make some suggestions.

Your story as written

What’s your name?”

” I’m Alexandria Simmons.”

” Hello Alexandria, my name is Jackson Willis; may I sit down.”

” Why not.”

“I saw you sitting here alone and decided to stop and buy you a night cap.”

“What are you drinking?”

"White Wine Spritzer."

”Bartender another for the lady; and a beer for me please.”

“Thank you.”

Notes: all the quotation marks need to be snug up against the entire quote, with no space between the quote and the quotation marks.

There is no question mark after the third sentence.

Nightcap is misspelled; (night cap) is your spelling.

White Wine Spritzer needs no capital letters.

Restructured story


"What's your name?"

"Alexandria Simmons."

"Hello Alexandria, I am Jackson Willis; may I sit down?"

"Why not . . ."

"I noticed you sitting here alone, and thought I'd come over and buy you a nightcap."

"That's nice of you."

"What would you like?"

"A white wine spritzer."

"Bartender, a white wine spritzer for the lady and a beer for me."

"Thank you."

Futher comments

What works for the readers of a story? A story must give the reader a sense of what the plot of a story is . . . first thing. Then, the story needs action and
reaction in the guts of the story. These two things, should lead to a conclusion; did the characters succeed in their quests, or did they fail?

As I said earlier, you have the makings of a good story here, write on . . .

Reviewing signature for the B.E.A.R. Fund.


Regards, jackson
129
129
Review of My life  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)


An


Anniversary Reviews email siggie

review.


         Hello Furball,
Another year for you here at WdC, I see it's the anniversary of your becoming a member, congrats . . . I will be reviewing your item, My life, today. Let's take a look at your story . . .

Your story as written

I was sitting around my house when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye, a door ajar . I was unsettled but I payed it no mind until it kept happening for months. I thought I always closed them

A few months later the same pattern with the pantry doors and food was found missing.

Clothes in my closet appeared that I never bought

Am I going insane

My comments

It's a short story, but within it are the elements which provide the reader the knowledge of what is happening. The plot of the story works for the reader. It's easy to follow as far as the words of the story are concerned. You did a good job on that part of the story. But . . . the punctuation has a few issues. Below, I will rewrite the story with suggested corrections in bold lettering.

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Suggested corrections

I was sitting around my house when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye, a door ajar. I was unsettled comma but I paid it no mind until it kept happening for months. I thought I always closed the doors.

A few months later comma the same pattern began with the pantry doors, and food was found to be missing. Clothes appeared in my closet which I hadn't bought.

I began to think, am I going insane?

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Overall, it's a neat little story, but the lack or punctuation has a tendency to shed readers.

Regards, jackson

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130
130
Review of Sixteen Pickets  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (3.5)


A

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         Hello CrashRandy,

Congrats on the anniversary month of your becoming a member of WdC.

My interpretation of your story

A young boy sits waiting . . . waiting for the dings of the school bell to release him from school for the summer.

The bell rang.

He started home, thinking of his plans for the summer as he walked along. Inadvertently, he ends up on the same side of the street of a house he usually crosses the street to pass. A grouchy old mam lived there . . . always yelling at kids. He walks on. Nearing the old man's picket fence, he accidently damages a picket. Pouncing from nowhere, the old man grabs him, accusing him of damaging not only one picket, but sixteen pickets in the past.

The boy's heart sinks. There went his summer plans, his whole summer lost. Now his dad would not allow him to do anything this summer, except work.

The man drives him home to accuse him in the presence of his parents . . . For the old grouch, it didn't go so well.

Nothing happened to the boy as punishment, and his dad taught him, that summer, all the things the boy had been wishing for.

Comments

It's a good story of the summer hopes and dreams of a young boy. You told it well. The reader can visualize, in your words, the grumpy old man, the boy's fear for the loss of his summer plans and the wisdom of the boy's father in seeing through the old man's treachery.

My Suggestions

This sentence, in the second paragraph, needs a comma.

I was so happy for summer to come comma I forgot where I was.

In the third paragraph, 20 feet, needs to be twenty feet.

In the seventh paragraph, the word (Suddenly) needs a comma after it. It's an introductory word which introduces the rest of the sentence.

In the eighth paragraph, "What's you're phone number?" needs to be, "What's your phone number?"

In the eleventh paragraph, He than grabbed my arm . . . needs to be, He then grabbed my arm . . .

Final comments

Overall, Sixteen Pickets is a good story.

Regards, jackson
131
131
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)



An anniversary review.

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Hello Spititual Dawning,

Congratulations on the anniversary of another year here a WdC. Your poem, Walked A Thousand Miles, sounds great when read aloud.

. . .rhymes are excellent, it has a natural flow, the rhythm is consistent throughout the poem and nothing is forced. You have came up with some great lines, and each line, to me, seems to reinforce the one before it, building melodies.

The only technical thing I can see is: the article (a) in the title does not need to be capitalized . . . Walked A Thousand Miles, but maybe that's preference in poetry.

Your work is not only poetry, within its lines, a story is told. Great work.

My favorite line is: 'And all my loves have been and gone,
and I am now estranged.'

Regards, jackson

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132
132
Review of Nurse not there  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)


A review from . . .

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         Hello Billy,

Congratulations on being a member of WdC another year. I am here to review your story, Nurse not there. It's an interesting story . . . a recount of a true happening.

Details of the story

You were in the hospital with a broken leg; while you were there, you were helped by a nurse. Later, you found out that the nurse did not work at the hospital.

But you even had a conversation with him. He carried you back from the bathroom to your bed, told you his name, and tucked pillows around you.

When it was time for you to be discharged, you asked another nurse to give your thanks to John. This nurse asked you who was John, you explained he was the nurse who worked last night, but the nurse told you there was not a nurse named John working at the hospital.

So the question is . . . who was John? Strange things sometimes happen . . .

Comments

The story itself is conveyed to the reader fairly well, but there are punctuation issues you need to deal with, and a variety of misspellings, to make the story better. Keep working on your punctuation and spelling and your stories will shine.

I have a suggestion which will help with your spelling.

Suggestion

When I write, if I am not certain of the spelling of a word, I use the search engine on my browser. I spell the word the way I think it should be, and click search. The browser usually returns to me, the correct spelling of the word. Try it . . .

Your story

I was hospitalities for a broken leg,
the stay was to be brief overnight.
About 2 am a nurse comes into my room and ask if I needed to use the bathroom. I was able to walk with the help of a cane

I started back with only about ten feet to walk .

" I looked up at him and said I can't make it? "

He reach and picked me up like a baby.
By the way my name is John Walmore. As he laid me back on my Hospital bed . He preceded to pack pillows around me.

I fell asleep to be awaken by a female Nurse. You Can go home now. your Wife is here to take you home,

Tell John "Thank you for me!
Who Is John she ask? The male Nurse that worked last night!

We don"t HAVE any male Nurses on this floor,
Yes you do His name was John Walmore!!

Story restructured with changes in bold lettering . . .

I was hospitalized for a broken leg. The stay was to be brief comma overnight. About two a.m. a nurse comes into my room and asks if I need to go to the bathroom comma but I was able to walk with the help of a cane period

I started back with only about ten feet to walk. I looked up at him and said, "I can't make it." He reached and picked me up like a baby.

"By the way, my name is John Walmore," he said. As he laid me back on my hospital bed comma he proceeded to pack pillows around me.

I fell asleep comma only to be woke up by a female nurse.

"You can go home now comma your wife is here to pick you up."

"Tell John, thank you for me!"

She asked, "Who is John?"

"The male nurse who worked last night!"

"We don't have any male nurses on this floor."

"Yes, you do, his name is John Walmore!"

I hope this helps . . . Good luck going forward. You can do it.

Regards, jackson
133
133
Review of Distractions  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)


A Positive hearts review,


For the group signatures


         Hello Anastasie,
Congratulations on being a member of WdC for another year.

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         Today, I'll review your item, Distractions. The story is about a girl who has recently broken ties the with the man she loves. It was the man who wanted to fly away; he wasn't ready to settle down. But the girl, her heart is broken, and despair fills it. But she had to let him go. Now, she is sitting and thinking of the day's events.

         A walk in the park, being together, speaking of the future. That is when Matthew broke her heart, basically telling her they had no future by saying how he wasn't ready to settle down. Now she sits, thinking . . . feeling the pain of loss. Her only distraction to stop the thoughts, she thinks, is to return to the computer screen and hope for something better.

Your story

I found myself simply staring off into space, instead of focusing on the task at hand. I couldn't help it after the events of the day. Matthew and I had spent the day walking in the park, discussing our future. He had told me he wasn't ready to settle down, which was rather unfortunate, seeing as I was. Yet, I knew, it was time to let him free. I can't allow myself to be the nail him down, when he is ready to fly away like the birds that I was watching out the window at this particular moment. I will miss him, and I won't allow him to know that my heart was breaking. My only distraction, would be to return to my computer screen, and hope for something better.

Your sentence above . . . like the birds that I was watching out the window at this particular moment: Here, you speak of watching the birds at this moment, but you use the word (was), it needs to be (am).

My suggestions

You need a space break after this sentence in bold letters, because you transition from past events to the present time. Just skip three or four lines to separate the two points of view, then begin writing again.

'Yet, I knew, it was time to let him free.' In the lines below this one, you use the present tense sometimes, and the past tense at others. It is better to choose one tense in a single paragraph, and stick to it all the way through the paragraph. Below, I will show you what I mean . . .

Restructured paragraph

I found myself simply staring off into space, instead of focusing on the task at hand. I couldn't help it after the events of the day. Matthew and I had spent the day walking in the park, discussing our future. He had told me he wasn't ready to settle down, which was rather unfortunate, seeing as I was.
Yet, I knew, it was time to let him free.

In the sentence directly above, (let) needs to be set.


          Space break


Changes in bold letters

I can't allow myself to be the nail which ties him down, when he is ready to fly away like the birds I am watching out the window at this particular moment. I will miss him, and I won't allow him to know that my heart is breaking. My only distraction, is to return to my computer screen, and hope for something better.

You did a good job with the story, it just needs consistency in tense.

Regards, jackson
134
134
Review of Words  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)


                   An
Anniversary Reviews email siggie

                   review.

Hello Amari Jali,
This morning, I'll be reviewing your item, Words. Happy Writing.Com account anniversary.

Ooooh, I like your two opening lines: 'In the word was the beginning. And in it shall be the end.'

My interpretation

In these two lines, even if there were no other words to complement them, this world we are presently living in, lives or dies.

There is wisdom lying among the faint shadows of the internet ink you brushed these words into lines with.

The worlds exists because of words. He who is God, spoke the words of creation, and fixed the worlds he had created into place, hanging them upon nothing in his sky.

Hate was begat by words, and love . . . Laughter swims in words, and joy. Sorrow makes its nest among words, and pity . . .

Pain dwells among the letters of words, and happiness . . .

Words are the sword of sorrow, and the mother of hope. Words create things only we who have experienced those things can realize . . .fear, desolation and despair.

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These few words you have given us to read, hold within them truth. I enjoyed reading your words and speculating on what might be, if there were no words.

Your words hold within them, wisdom . . .

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Regards, jackson
135
135
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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Happy WdC account anniversary!

Hello Ms_Write1968,
I've just read a beautiful story, Fort Worth: . . . In it, you tell us of some of your memories of Texas, of growing up in Fort Worth, of your Mom and Dad. It's a delight, for me, to read this type of story. Being from the mountains of Eastern Kentucky, I had no idea that when I was sliding, in a cardboard box, down the mountains in Kentucky, that in Fort Worth, someone was doing the same thing.

In your story, you tell us not only of your memories, but you tell us, of earlier memories, those of your Mom and Dad. . . . way to go, good writing.

I noticed one little thing in your story, it's probably a typo . . . In the second sentence of the second paragraph . . . you need to capitalize i.



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Regards, jackson
136
136
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)


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         Congratulations on your WdC account anniversary.

         Hello ImaLukewarmPizza,

Your story, The Great Ignacio . . . is pretty good as an introduction for a future story.

My interpretation

         A man called Ignacio, exhausted after writing long into the night, can not wake up in the morning. He is aware, just in a deep sleep. He hears Patricia calling his name, others shaking him, and feels the warm sun upon his skin. Dreams fling themselves upon him, monsters shake him, impelling him to awaken. Still, he sleeps. He knows he is late . . . but for what?

Comments

         Many things can happen in the future story. It's well set up to be a fine story in whichever way you lead the words.

Image #2230701 over display limit. -?-

I have a few suggestions on your punctuation; use them as you see fit, as they are only suggestions.

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My suggestions

Your first sentence: In the morning the sun hung like an evil eye . . .

In the morning, is an introductory phrase, a phrase telling us (when), then comes the rest of the sentence, telling us (what) the sun hung like an evil eye . . .

A comma needs to separate the (when) from the (what.)

In the morning, the sun hung like an evil eye . . .


The same as above, for this sentence: In his dream he heard the echoed calls of Patricia . . .

This sentence tells us (where), then tells us (what).

In his dream, he heard the echoed calls of Patricia . . .

Write on . . .

Regards, jackson


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137
137
Review of Merge Necklace  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)


An Anniversary Reviews email siggie review.

         Hi Kooklis,

Some background for the readers of this review . . . This is the first entry of an interactive item. The interactive item itself, provides participants all the information necessary to make additions. A number of characters can be written about ; these characters can merge into other people in two ways, into the body only, or into the body and mind.

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          My rating for this part of the interactive is five stars. I will average this five with the first entry, Lucky You, for a final rating.

Lucky You


Suggestions

First sentence of Lucky You:

Walking home one day from school you notice a shining green necklace laying on the sidewalk.

You need to make some additions to the sentence to make it a good sentence.

Suggestions

Add (while) or (when) as the first word of the sentence.

You need a comma after (school) as the word completes one action in your sentence. Always separate two or more actions with a comma.

The rest of the sentence:

. . .you notice a shining green necklace laying on the sidewalk.

You need to change laying to lying because (laying) means, to place a thing or object down. Whereas, lying means, an object or thing already in position, such as, on the sidewalk.

Restuctured sentence


While walking home one day from school comma you notice a shining green necklace lying on the sidewalk.

The few other sentences of the entry demonstrate good punctuation. I like the question posed near the end, after they arrive home . . . Should you take a nap, or try out your new piece of jewelry? Good work . . .

Regards, jackson

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138
138
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)


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         Hi LilyMom,
         Congratulations on another year of membership at WdC.

Wow! It's hard to review on this Infinix 11 cellphone, but I do the best I can, typing in a two inch space with a finger that's bigger than the keys . . .

Your story, An Unexpected Meeting, is quite a good story; it possesses the ingredients native to the lines of a solid story. It's a well-written, naturally flowing stream of words which define a good story.

A good plot, opposition, flow, mystery, action and resolution reside in your lines, and at the appropriate times, each of these parts combine to make your story cohesive to the readers. I will have a few tiny suggestions later . . .

My interpretation

A woman buys a pearl bracelet at a yard sale . . . It's beauty is priceless, but she purchased it for only five dollars. She had felt it was calling her name. She's thrilled. It reminded her of her Aunt Lucy for some reason. She knows the first place she will wear it. Didn't it look so good, hugging her wrist? There was a thing at an art gallery about Andy Warhol, she'd wear it there.

After walking down the stairs from her appartment, she notices the lobby is different than it had been earlier, like something straight from the sixties . . . Then, she sees her Aunt Lucy, looking just like she did twenty years ago. Was it the bracelet? Real magic for only five dollars?

Suggestions

In your sentence, There wasn't really a whole lot to buy but I did see a few undiscovered treasures . . . you need to add a comma before but because it connects two independent clauses.

In the third paragraph you write, It was the most beautiful pearl bracelet I had ever come in contact with.

This sentence describes a past event by the use of the word had. You need to change come to came.

Also in the third paragraph, If I remember correctly is an introductory phrase, it needs a comma after it before continuing the sentence.

In essence, you are relating something you thought, then continuing the sentence by telling something she did, the two actions need separation by a comma. In the same sentence, a comma needs to be put before
but because it joins two independent clauses.

Restructured sentence

If I remember correctly, she tried to make it as a fashion model, but things didn't turn out as she planned.

My final comments

You did a good job writing this story; I really enjoyed reading it. I hope my suggestions benefit your story.

Regards, jackson


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139
139
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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         Hi Tammy,
Happy WdC account anniversary.

One Day At A Time-I'll Be Just Fine has a pretty melody, which sometimes crawls across the page, and sometimes flies, the speed depending on what the reader sees in their mind as they read it. For me, it crawls across the page, delighting the reader with its simplicity. It's a statement from the heart of someone who has lost their sweet love, how they must persevere, never forgetting, but no longer clinging to their memories of that one. One Day At A Time . . . tells us of one person's survival of a loss such as this . . . breaking up after ten years.

First, the person draws out the memories, the sweet feelings of love. Then, one day at a time, they put the pictures away, praying to God to give help that he may.

Time crawls, the sound of a voice is still there, and the smile in the eyes.

And one day at a time, those memories you put in a box, until a new love speaks your name.

And the invisible box is the locked-away memories of the ten years they were yours. But you have a new life now . . . and your heart is just fine.

It's a beautiful poem, excerpts from the heart . . .

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Regards, jackson
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Review of Waiting  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)


For the group signatures


Hello argo000,

I found an interesting tale in your port . . . Waiting. In it, a young boy, Jonah, who's afraid to sleep because of his thoughts, is waiting . . . Waiting for the spiders to come for him in the blackness of night. He is terrified . . . He wants to scream, to call out to his mother. But he does not, because his mother always tells him it's only his imagination. He waits, alone in the blackness . . . He waits for the evil which a young boy believes will come out or the darkness. He waits . . . his heartbeat erratic, his eyes watering.

Happy WdC anniversary.


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I noticed a few things which could improve your story; my recommendations are listed below.

Suggestions

In the fourth phrase of the first paragraph, if you change (clutching) to (clutched), and (curling) to (curled), the phrase will become a complete sentence. . . .

One pair of hands clutching at the bedsheets and curling them around one scared little head, leaving that one head's pair if eyes visible above the covers.

Restructured

One pair of hands clutched at the bedsheets and curled them around one scared little head, leaving that one head's pair of eyes visible above the covers.

pair if eyes, should be, pair of eyes.

The last sentence of the paragraph needs a period at the end, and restructuring . . .

Sentence: One that could not get to sleep

A boy who could not get to sleep.

You spelled connected, (conected) in the sentence directly above the final sentence of paragraph one.

Second paragraph:
(He wanted t call for his mother.), should be, He wanted to call for his mother.

Second paragraph again:

In these three sentences and phrases: She would tell him that there was nothing there. That it was just his imagination. To go back to sleep.

Combine the three parts into one sentence, then the two sentence fragments will disappear.

That it was just his imagination. and To go back to sleep. are sentence fragments.

Restructured

She would tell him that there was nothing there, that it was just his imagination, and to go back to sleep.

In the paragraph above the final line of the story, He lay down in the pillow and closed his eyes. In the pillow,should be, on the pillow.

I hope this helps, write on . . .
Regards, jackson


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141
141
Review of Humphrey  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)


A
For the group signatures review.


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         Good morning, TaeBelle,

Comments

It's a sweet story. Here, in the pages, we have Humphrey. He's just waking up. He smells Ellie on the sheets, but he is the only occupant of the bed. His heart misses her . . . longs for her.

He can hear her in the kitchen, probably making coffee, probably crying again. He didn't like her tears; it was his duty to ease their pain. Her tears of loss . . . her mourning for the loss of her companion. He gets up and rushes to the kitchen There, yes, Ellie is crying, crying for her love. He sits beside her, saying nothing, just being there. She hugs him.

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Futher comments

I really like the final two lines: 'After all, what's a dog supposed to do but bring joy to their human. I am Humphry and Ellie is my human.'

Suggestions

In the first sentence, I would change (but) to except, and add a comma. In the final sentence, you misspelled Humphrey.

Restructured sentences

After all, what's a dog supposed to do, except bring joy to their human. I am Humphrey and Ellie is my human.

Hey there, TaeBelle, you did a great job disguising the fact that Humphrey was a dog; I was two thirds through the story before a suspicion came to me.

Regards, jackson
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Review of To love  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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         Hi Hank,
The anniversary of your Writing.Com account is this month, have a good one. I can understand where you are coming from in this piece. It's hard to lose someone, especially the one you thought was the love of your life. But as you say in your item, you must eventually move on.

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Comments

Grab life with your heart and hold on, move on, love another, live . . . Concentrate on the things in your life which you can control. The things which you can not control will happen, regardless of your effort; but these things are intruders, temporary residents in your life. Their impact is of no lasting consequence . . . Our hearts, no matter how much we might wish for it, are not permanently tied to someone, until that one ties her heart to us.

I noticed no punctuation errors in your work, good job.

Regards, jackson

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Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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         Hi D.B.

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Another year here for you. Happy WdC account anniversary.

After the Snowstorm . . . You got it just right, describing the lay of the land after a snowstorm. The quiet, the serene feeling of white covering the land, the sounds of icicles as they hang from the roofs all about.

I enjoy the line below; it sticks out and grabs me,

'roofs seem glad
to hold the winter weight'

The lines you wrote, tell us of the beauty we behold when looking about us as the snow settles in comfortably. The trees coated with snow, the stiffly frozen ice on the windows and the night glow of the snow live in your lines.

My favorite part is:

'It is coldly silent
except for the rare crunch
of tires or footsteps on the street.'

It's got good rhythm and sounds good when read aloud.

Regards, jackson
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Review of Like Candy Sweet  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

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Hi MD Maurice,

Anniversary Reviews email siggie


         Your item, Like Candy Sweet . . . it's great. Your brief description tells me of something lost, something that was real at the time . . . but became overbearing.

. . . something you left behind.

The lines of the item itself are filled with, should I say regret? No, they show strength, determination, disgust and rejection of something which could have been, but never was.

The item is well-written with great punctuation and grammar. It speaks to the heart just as it is . . . with a strong determined voice.

Favorite lines/Comments

A quote from your story: 'I wanted to think about you today. I wanted to find a quiet corner and sit. I wanted to pull the memories of you from the back of my mind and savor them,
roll them around slowly like sweet candy over my tongue.'

From this point, the sweet thoughts above . . . the following lines of bitterness flow into the sweetness, making them null and void. Great work . . .

Happy Writing.Com membership anniversary. I hope this review is helpful in some way. So you will know your work is admired, I send you this review.

Regards, jackson

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Review of Rotting  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)


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Hi Stacy Matthews,

Jackson here, sending you a few words about your item, Rotting. Happy WdC account anniversary, may you have many more.

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My interpretation

It's a story of death, the thoughts of the dead as the body slips away from a once perfect creation into the dust of the earth. Somehow, death has not arrived completely, although the body is dead, the invisible heart that makes up the breath of life still lingers . . . This heart, this existence, this soul, if you will, sees the death of its body, sees itself being broken down into the elements used to create it. In the end, it is neither happy, nor sad, but has a gradual accepting of the peace it acquires when even its thoughts have at last perished.

Before this last act begins, the perishing, a feeling of regret makes its way into the almost faded thoughts, but time deals this regret a fatal blow . . . It's over, dust is all that remains.

It's a great story, with original thinking and putting together of all the words which it is composed of.

Recommendations

In the fifth paragraph up from the bottom, this sentence has an error . . . Will they remember ny compositions? It should be, Will they remember my compositions?

Regards, jackson

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146
146
Review of The Attic  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)

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         Happy WdC anniversary.

         Hello penshadow,
. . .liked your handle, and the title of this item, The Attic, so . . .

My interpretation

The Attic . . .a good concept, likening an attic to the mind, describing a real attic, but also portraying the description of said attic to the cobwebs, memories, self-images and all the things which dwell in your mind.
. . . great writing. Write on.

Regards, jackson

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Review of Hurt  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)


For the group signatures


         Here I am, staring at ten little words . . . do these ten words mean anything to me? Are they a message from heaven or hell? Are they ugly? Are they beautiful? These questions ask themselves of me as I think, How will I review ten little words? There is no answer coming to me as I sit here . . .

Hello Wild Moon,
Happy WdC account anniversary.


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Your item, Hurt stands there on this page, looking at me, daring me to review it . . . I think, Maybe, a cup of coffee will bring me the words. I get up, go down to the kitchen and make myself one. Then, here I am again, waiting for the words to speak. But, these words have no vocal cords, and in an audible voice, they are speechless. I look at them from the right and from the left, turn them upside down and peer into them . . . Maybe, if I wrote them out myself?

         The one
         Who
         Hurt her
         The most
         Was
         Always herself

Now, I am beginning to see . . . these words hold truth, wisdom, and many other things which words can grab onto and hold. And as I sit here, they open up their mouth and tell me they are beautiful . . . and I know it is true.
Beautiful


Regards, jackson
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Review of Rose Lips  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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Hi Maribel is a Dancing Poet,
Happy WdC anniversary. Another year . . .

The rose fascinates me, smells so good. I like your poem about the rose. It has just the right words as a gift to the rose. It tinkles across the page, trailing its scent of rhymes . . . A sweet poem, made sweeter by each petal.
Good work!

Regards, jackson

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Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)


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For the group signatures

Hello Sanveda,

It's a lovely story I just finished reading . . . And She Disappeared. It's about the loss of friend, the hurt, the surprise, the disbelief. Yes, it really hurts our hearts when one we have given our friendship to becomes a ghost.

In your story, you meet a little girl at the park. She's vivid in your memory, you can call up a photograph of her in your mind. After a while you became best friends, chatting, visiting and enjoying your companionship. You shared your secrets with her.

But the day came, that day of realization . . . It was like any other day at first, but when you went to the park to meet her, she wasn't there. You waited and waited, but she never came. She never came again . . .

You still feel the hurt of the heart, a heart which longs for someone.

It's a good story. Keep on writing.

Suggestions

One thing I wll pass on to you concerns the conjunction but. When you use but in a sentence, and it is joining two independent clauses, two clauses which on their own could be a complete sentence because they contain a subject, a verb and an action, you need to put a comma before but.

Regards, jackson


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150
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Review of Lost Without You  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)


Hi Sum1's Home,

Beautiful poetry . . .

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My interpretation


Lost Without You. In the sand, a few words sketched. Now, his fret has quieted. His countenance is at peace. His love told of, his anxiety quilted, he walks tall again.

Not righteous, but God-fearing, a man pleads. Whether heard or ignored, his words carry within them the thoughts of his heart. He is confident again, for he has talked to God.

Comments

Mixed with the sand in which it was written, a sweet rhythm flows in these words of, Lost Without You. The heart of true love is written in the sand; in time, the words may wash away, but words, once written will never fade.

Great poem . . . the man knows he can once more write. The words behind him in the sand is his evidence.

Suggestions

No suggestions necessary . . .


Regards, jackson

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