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If you're really desperate for a review, feel free to email me. Just don't expect a very quick turnaround. NB: I'm happy to review novels. I tend to review from the point of view of a reader rather than an editor. I 'nitpick' on anything that interrupts my reading flow. If you want me to go all out with nitpicking in general, ask me to do a line-by-line. Quite happy to do so - as a copied static or email.
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151
151
Review of PK Chapter 1  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi SylphLuna !

I was looking over the "Please Review"  page and spotted "PK Chapter 1" . I thought your quest for a review on your first item was really brave and I hope what I have written here encourages you to keep writing and to keep requesting reviews.

Like blurbs on the back of a book, the brief description we give to our items should work as a hook. Yours did two-fold for me because I love vampire stories and my educational background is Classical Studies. I'm mostly an art and history gal these days, but I enjoy my mythology too. Vampires + ancient Greece? Yee ha.


*Tree*First Impressions
Well, vampires + ancient Greece hook me so I'm a fan straight off. And it doesn't matter in this early chapter if the vampire part of your story hasn't actually happened. Some might tell you to remove that part of the description while it's extraneous. I won't. For me, knowing the story of Pandora and her jar, the promise of vampires has me intrigued as to how you'll weave them into this well-known myth. Is it Pandora who becomes the vampire? How does it happen? Who 'creates' her? In the myth, hope is in Pandora's jar but what if it's something seriously worse? This opening chapter creates a lot of mystery that should keep readers hungering for further.

And your final paragraphs pack a punch - literally, an explosion! It's generally known that Pandora opens the jar (or box) because she can no longer contain her curiosity (you spelled this out with Who gives someone a box and then tells them not to open it? That kind of order just begs to be disobeyed). But you've given us another view - Pandora uses the threat of opening as a warding-off tool to Epimetheus who is sexually harassing her. In the myth Pandora doesn't really have a mind of her own but you are making it clear that in this version of the myth, Pandora has her own will and strength; she isn't a tool of the gods. And, of course, the explosion is a gripping climax. Has everyone been killed? Was it something in the box that exploded? Was there a trip-wire on the box, causing the explosion because it was opened? A closing hook is every bit as valuable as an opening one.


*Screw*The Nuts and Bolts

Setting
I've read a lot of books that place myths and heroes in a modern context (Rick Riordan's Percy Jackson series is a prime example). However, I can't actually tell from the small descriptive details whether you have chosen to do the same or are actually in ancient Greece, despite mentioning ancient Greece in your description. I say this because at the time of Pandora and the titan brothers, man-kind didn't have things easy. Remember that Prometheus had only just given man fire. Writing wasn't really a known, yet you've got Pandora entering into a journal. We can do anything with fantasy of course but you're combining myth with presumably a non-fantasy Greece so you just need to think about when in time this story starts, and how people in that time (even titans, gods and heroes) live. As always, don't have a character flicking a light switch if electricity hasn't quite been invented yet *Smile*.

A setting shouldn't take over your story but you might consider giving a few lines for context (or you could get more sticklers like me questioning just how things fit together).

Plot and Plot Fuel
In choosing a myth as the backbone of your story you've got a ready-made plot. Epimetheus marries Pandora against the advice of his brother. Pandora has a jar (or box) and lets loose evils on man-kind. All this comes to pass because Prometheus helped out man-kind and the gods were miffed about it.

Using an established myth can create all sorts of issues, though; especially for those who hate to see them diverted from their original lines. But myths are made for diverting; in fact myths always have several versions anyway, so I hope you never worry that you're bolting away from the original story. You're creating an original story.

I think the biggest task you'll have is weaving the intended vampire blood into this existing plot and giving me (the reader) something that makes me go 'wow'. I've already mentioned how my interest is peaked simply by vampires and ancient Greece together, but I'll still need something special to keep me believing in this alternative world and wanting to be part of it. You are, no doubt, already thinking far ahead, but I see this story almost as starting in our present and then going back and forth between the present and the past of Pandora's life (presuming, of course, that she does become a vampire). Goodness, that's presumptuous of me to suggest how to continue your plot! Apologies, but I really can't wait to see how you carry this one onward.

Characters
Pandora and Epimetheus are existing characters in the mythical/story world. Not much is known about them other than Epimetheus stands for man's lack of thought and Pandora for (woman's) lack of self-control. And, of course, her releasing evil on man-kind. Ha, a side issue.

I like that Pandora comes across as having her own will. In this story she is human, in the myth she is just a tool. She has fighting spirit and also shows a certain helplessness - a nice combination because you don't want your protagonist to be perfectly one thing or the other. Pandora has strengths and she has flaws, and all through it you've kept her well-known curiosity. One thing though, I think you need to clarify the six-weeks-old bit. At first I wondered if you'd put in weeks when you meant something else. I'm pretty sure you simply mean that Pandora was created (as a fully grown woman) only six weeks ago, but to the initiated that's an unknown and they'll go whaaaaaaaat? A simple explanation will clear that up.

Epimetheus is a titan - he's large, he's powerful. The fact he has an office makes me imagine him as an executive in a pin-striped power suit. I think you might have some difficulty persuading readers to see him in any other light but, then again, I don't think he needs to be shown in any other manner. Actually, the mere fact he joins Pandora in bed before their marriage (seriously bad) and starts to take advantage (seriously appalling) is in his character - he's afterthought, of course. He doesn't think about consequences; tonight that's a box blowing up with him on it!

A question from me is, how are you going to evolve Pandora and Epimetheus so that they keep the characteristics they're known for but also become believable people outside those molds? I look forward to finding out.

Climax (even chapters need them)
I've already mentioned this under the First Impressions section but the chapter ends, literally, with a bang. It is totally unexpected, and it made me go 'oooh'. I like to be startled or thrown off line at the end. We need to be captured at the beginning and at the end and you've managed this, to my mind, perfectly. It makes me look forward to the next chapter.


*Wind*Things I Liked
I've said this many times already but your premise is intriguing and the climax of this chapter wonderful. Vampires will be just an added bonus for me when they show up.

Who gives someone a box and then tells them not to open it? - I love this question. I imagine Pandora with an expression of 'Hermes is an idiot' on her face. And, of course, it illustrates her curiosity. I also like that the box, itself, is egging her on (... screamed to be opened...).

Rena - I like her presence here. She's in Epimetheus' pay but she also seems to be Pandora's friend so she acts as a tie between them. She also provides a nice bit of comic relief in her swooning over Epimetheus, especially calling Pandora a hero!


*Quill*Some Things I Found Odd
Now these are just my opinion and you can totally throw them in the trash if you feel like it! (I put these into subheadings just so this didn't look like one long waffle.)

Epimetheus in Bed
I re-read the section about Epimetheus in the bed and now I'm not sure if it is pre-marriage after all. "Finally we can be joined, my love" sounds to me as if this is after the wedding. In which case, you have a giant invisible leap between pre- and post- with no connecting anything. When I read it as pre-marriage, I had no problem with it but if it's post then it's confusing and unsettling. We've jumped forward in time but don't know quite where we stand in the story. I would recommend this stay as a pre-marriage event. It would make Pandora's bolting far easier to understand.

Nicknames
In most cases I wouldn't dare to make mention of characters' names to their authors because they're such personal things. I slave over mine, using 'x' or 'y' until I've got just the name, but Pandy and P really niggled at me as nicknames for Pandora. Pandy because it made me think of a panda bear and P because that made me think of the drug P. Given that Pandora is seen as a bit of evil for man-kind, the latter would work, but for me they were a bit uncomfortable. I thought Dora might be 'nicer'. I know that offers links with Dora the Explorer but 'dora' is Greek for 'gift' - which Pandora is.

Epi reminded me of the Epi-pen but besides shortening him to 'Meth' (!) I think it works. He comes across as one of those power-hungry, self-important guys who has given himself a 'nonsense' nick-name - okay, a bit like a DJ's moniker. It works.

Tense and Point of View
I'll be the first to admit that I cross my tenses over, and that's why I know it's distracting to the reader. You swap between present tense (Tonight, however, the only the box can console my troubled thoughts. I must find out what is in the box!) and past tense (Epimetheus curled up in bed behind me and wrapped his divine arms around my delicate body.) quite a bit. I have no problem with either tense but combining them hinders the reader and stops their flow, which isn't what we authors desire.

In addition to the tense, you have moments of swapping points of view. In the sentence His hand moved up to stroke my breast and I (should I go with ‘woke with a start’ here?) squealed in panic. you've actually asked the reader if you should add 'woke with a start'.

No, you shouldn't - because if you do, you're confusing the point of view. Pandora is a first-person storyteller. If she were asleep she would know nothing about Epimetheus being in the bed or what his hands were doing until she woke. I have found that the PoV can slip if I don't control the tense properly so I think once you've got that sorted in this story it won't be an issue any more.


*Tree*Closing Comments
I'm a bit like a stuck record here, SlyphLuna! I like this chapter and I'm intrigued to see where the story goes. Some things could be tidied up and/or clarified (I'm yet to read a piece on here that doesn't have something!) to help the reader out but, overall, this is a really nice first start.

I tend to review based on how a story makes me feel/react as a reader. I do like correct grammar but the plot, the characters, the start, the end - these mean more than whether a story has the right amount of commas and in the right places (those things can be easily fixed at a later stage). Your story has pulled me in and I want to read more; that's how it made me feel.

Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any queries about anything I have written and, at the risk of sounding like a beggar, please let me know when chapter two is up.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

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152
Review of Mirror, Mirror  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi revdbob !

I've just read "Mirror, Mirror" , which you had posted on the "Please Review"  page. You threw out the review challenge and I thought 'I'm up for that' and so here I am. To be honest, I am not generally a reader of horror/scary and am certainly not a writer of it. I'm far too much of a wuss; I like to be able to sleep at night! However... I find myself really enjoying reviewing this genre. I feel that because it's not one I know well (or even like much) I can actually offer a fairly decent, unbiased review.

So here goes.


*Tree*First Impressions
I like the premise of evil being punished, because that's the sort of person I am, so your log-line was a hook from the outset.

However, I am also attracted to 'the bad guy'. Except your guy doesn't immediately start off bad; he has a sense of 'rebel' to him, and a strong drive to make his world better. Frankly, it's what we all want. The easy writing style, the colloquialism, made your guy seem to me to be almost reasonable and understandable in those opening paragraphs. And at the end, when he was receiving his come-uppance, I almost felt sorry for him. I do wonder if this is an indictment on me since your guy is evil and has lead a sinister life. It's just that he seems so taken aback at the end!

As I got into the second half of Mirror, Mirror and understood that the reflection was a different 'person' it felt immediately like the movie Fight Club, with that somewhat schizophrenic/dream character. However, that notion was quickly abandoned when things happened that couldn't conceivably be explained away in that manner. Those two paragraphs after And then came today. are some of the strangest I've read, but they made me sit up and take notice. Actually, they made me go 'what the heck is going on here?' and I kept reading. So this was a second hook in your story.

The final half of the story, which brings us back to the present and connects with the first paragraph, I found powerful. I was a little amused by the overall 'when appliances attack' theme, but everything you wrote about them in connection to the character's actions and his life made wonderful sense. We go about our lives, our business with a multitude of help of the electronic and inanimate kind but without much thought of those items. I'm not sure I found the story chilling, per se, but what made Mirror, Mirror for me was the eerie thought that these items are witnesses to our lives and should there ever be the possibility of making them talk we'd all be royally screwed!

It is poetic justice that your guy is undone by those very things he lusted after, those things he hurt others to obtain. The 'life' given to these items was also somewhat poignant. They'd been his faithful side-kicks and for the most part he treated them badly. It was only fair they'd be there to merit out retribution.


*Tools* The Nuts and Bolts

The Back Story
Your story is of two halves - how your character got to where he is in the world (a quick sprint through half of his life) and his sudden demise. Twelve-odd years to build up, half an hour to destroy.

I like that you brought the reader's attention to the back story with a superb lead-in line Until today I'd have thought my life pretty ordinary. That's catchy. I found the three paragraphs on what this character wanted and his Enlightenment somewhat rambling but it also shows how scattered he was. He needed his Enlightenment just to make something of his life. The paragraphs about his hustling are much more structured, just like he is now that he has some control. I don't know if you intended to write quite in that manner or if anyone else thinks/thought of it in this way but to me it's a clever way of illustrating a character's thoughts, feelings, actions without having to describe them.

I was lost, however, with the long section on the Government and education. It sounds like a personal rant rather than part of the story and I actually skipped the paragraph after the first two sentences. I didn't need to read it to pick up the story again at the next paragraph.


The Present
As already mentioned, I found the latter half of the story, the present, quite a powerful read. It's fast moving, almost comedic in those first two paragraphs, and we see how easy it is to destroy something that has taken years to achieve.

I said above that I didn't find the story chilling but eerie. Having re-read again I still find that overall the story doesn't send a chill through me except for those moments when the guy is looking at himself in the mirror and realising that the horror is all his own making. Whatever happens to him, happens because of him. To someone who was just following the path they'd built for themselves, that must be an utterly horrible thing to face.

As odd as it is to have appliances and other objects come alive, we are used to seeing this in movies so it's not such a stretch of the imagination to accept it here. And I've already mentioned how freaky it would be if they could tell our secrets and react. The laptop and phone 'walking' is a great scene. The glass in the towel is the only thing I found a bit beyond belief. How did it happen? If somehow the mirror had part smashed or some other piece of glass in the bathroom smashed that would make more sense. Glass in a towel seems to need a more physical hand to create. I wonder if you couldn't somehow have had the character do this the night before in a fit of rage or something?


Characters
Oddly enough, for all that your character is an evil guy, he doesn't come across as evil as the mirror image. I think it's because what we know of the man is back-story. His violence is 'hear-say' to us; it's frankly not even crystal clear what's going on with Shavon until the 'rubbed out' sentence. Nothing is graphic and so there are no feelings of disgust or mistrust. The guy is just doing what it takes to build his empire. He's taken the 'kill or be killed' mentality - a lot more literally than most, of course.

He seems absolutely horrified and gobsmacked when everything goes pear shaped in the bathroom. It's clear that he's followed his path without possible thought about what it actually means for others. I'm not saying we should sympathise with him but it's pretty much a human condition for those who are so focused on getting here, there or somewhere. I'm not convinced he planned to be so damn nasty.

The secondary 'self' is much more evil - and that was before he was revealed as Satan - because his actions are current time. They're graphic and they're gloating. We are to assume that this is how the real guy has been in his life (which the back story glossed over because of course he was doing everything 'right'.). A question though - what is this character's mission? He's torturing the guy as a 'gift' for animating him but there is no spoken or hinted mission that I could see. The gift is ironic, of course, but well played.

And even while the mirror image is em-ceeing the horrors being dealt out he's still appearing to be the 'good' one. He's the one exacting retribution, making the bad guy pay. As I said before, the appliances and inanimate objects are like abused and forgotten sidekicks. They're exacting revenge and we're almost rooting for them, even though they are no better than the guy they're torturing. A vicious circle and I like that it's here. It does the head in to try and explain without going round and round in circles, like a mirror maze you can't get out of!

Finally with regards to characters - why Satan? I must admit it came as a bit of a shock when he was revealed. Ultimate evil, yes, but why him here? I wouldn't have thought Satan was about rubbing out one of his own or punishing one of his own. I know he's giving a 'gift' (right up his alley to an enemy) but the moral in this story seems to be 'treat people well so that you are treated well' and 'evil will bite you on the ass'. Surely this guy is the embodiment of Satan, a physical Satan so to me it seems odd that Satan's here exacting retribution and teaching a lesson.


Climax
The final paragraph is an uncomfortable read, but also somewhat funny. I do imagine it must be torture to have gangster rap drilled into one's ear. And the hand towel aiming at the guy's groin has a fairly clear sexual overtone, another nice little act of retribution because it can't be enjoyable!! Satan guffawing in the background and crying 'rub him, Towel' is a bit like a porn movie and one finds it hard to get that image out of one's mind, but... it also has a frightening overtone. Abuse comes in many forms and the one portrayed here is nasty. Quite possibly this is the most chilling part of your story - an uncomfortable read that's also somewhat funny. That puts the reader in a horrible position - hence the chill. Well done!


*Wind*Strengths and Suggestions
I don't mind that the story's in those two parts of back story and present. It works for me. And I like how we get something of a 'rose-coloured' back story that is opened up for 'truth' by the face in the mirror, whose explanations of why the guy is suddenly being harassed in his bathroom are direct comment on how the guy has acted in his own life (that he forgot to tell us about).

My biggest suggestion? Give your character a name. Please. I know it's first person PoV but I know him as 'the guy' 'your guy' or 'the character'. Having Satan use his name would make the climax more powerful.

You have some great lines:

Until today I'd have thought my life pretty ordinary. Beautifully crafted, it shows us that the character's life has taken a sudden sharp turn but also that his life of crime and of evil (which, of course, we're not quite yet aware) isn't a life of crime and of evil to him! The sentence straight after explains further - he's been looking out for himself.

Pretty soon I was his man, and what I said was as much law as what Shavon said. The problem was, there can be only one top dog and Shavon wasn't much older than I, so he wasn't retiring soon. This sentence explains their entire relationship and the ambition that your guy felt. We know what's likely to happen next!

I am proud of my hair, man, and I brushed it hard and long to get a shine, until I realized that the shine was blood and I was taking the scalp off from under my hair. I think I liked this one because amid the oddities happening he still shows a vain side! And it's a human side. And though it's a long sentence and has three distinct parts it is very easy to read, almost lyrical. But, and this is only my opinion, I'd write 'long and hard' instead of 'hard and long'. It seems to flow better.


*Quill*The Technical Side
I use this part of my review to pick up on some of the grammatical or spelling errors that I note, or other 'things' that maybe could be changed or improved. I'm by no means an expect and I often only comment on things that I find particularly jarring.

The latter is why I mention again that I think you could remove that long paragraph about the Government gambling on education without doing any damage to the plot or flow of the story

...remote control for the shower, the wiring to animate Towel, for example, and her beautiful glass decoration. The towel stood up right over my groin, like a cobra, and... You're missing the " here after 'decoration'.

...and Laptop could talk using his speakers over the phone when we needed to." Cell wasn’t really one of your triumphs,... Just an errant " here stops the flow as we work out whether the dialogue has stopped.

...drawing a scream from my lips. Probably rather minor, but the scream comes either from the throat or from between the lips, not technically from the lips.


*Tree*Closing Comments
Hmm, I rather think this has turned into a commentary instead of a review but I still hope it's helpful. I did like your premise, as mentioned up above, about evil getting booted, and I like how you've portrayed that retribution here. Using electronic and inanimate objects directed by an evil mirror image to exact that retribution is unusual but it works. The very things your guy swindled, threatened, gambled, killed for are teaching him a lesson he is never going to forget. It's much more interesting than having him tied up in the middle of a warehouse and being beaten by other thugs!


Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read and review Mirror, Mirror. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any queries about any of my ramble. I'm always happy to clarify (or even justify) anything I have written. I hope your plea for reviews garners you a whole lot more!


Best wishes,
Osirantinous

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153
153
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi elizjohn !

I found your review request for "Mr. Nelson & The Horrible Writing Prompt" , and your comments about the writing prompt intrigued me! I've found some of them bizarre too but I would never have thought to actually involve the prompt like you have, it makes a nice twist.


*Tree*First Impressions
I liked this a whole lot and that's probably because I would have written along similar lines - the locket as a trap for someone or something. The fact that a locket is usually used to hold a picture of a loved-one (past or present) adds power, and it makes a great prop for a horror story. Love, horror - these seem to go together rather well!

This story is well crafted, starting with a simple school lesson to introduce the 'prompt' and slowly sliding towards the horror. The reader is kept quite in the dark about what's going on, and I like that we don't immediately know what's going on despite the fact that something trapped in a locket is certainly not a new plot device. Nor is the repetitive nature of the ending, but the fact that you've brought Thomas in as a 'fixer' shifts the plot to a new level. For me Thomas' awareness of the situation makes this story more suspenseful. His frustration and desperation are very clear; he's obviously been fighting to make Mr Nelson see (and accept) the truth for some time.


*Wind*Strengths and Suggestions
One of the main strengths of this short story is, straight out, the way you tell it. It's simple and clean. I can picture the students groaning when they see the prompt, Mr Nelson doing his best to 'sell' the idea and get the best from them, Thomas' utter frustration and Mr Nelson struggling to cope with what he's hearing (from Thomas and in his head). Letting the reader 'see' as s/he reads is the mark of great writing.

Your dialogue is snappy, easy to read and not overblown; I felt it was the engine that was moving your plot along. There was only one tiny piece that brought me up short - when Thomas calls Regina a crazy bitch. Swearing generally doesn't bother me but 'bitch' suddenly popped up and was like a slap in the face. I didn't feel there'd been any lead up for Thomas to suddenly spout bitch or for Regina to be called that. He'd been ranting and begging for some time to Mr Nelson before the word pops up, but we never got the feeling Thomas actually thought this. I myself think the word could go, but if not then Thomas' earlier words need to start conveying some of that feeling so it doesn't come up sounding like BITCH in massive letters and make the reader go 'where the heck did that come from?'

Who is Regina?
Despite Regina being a fairly central character, she's just a wisp rather than full-blooded. I was left with many questions around her. The biggest one is - where is she in relation to this classroom setting? The kids are trapped because they were in the English class at the time the trap was sprung, but where was Regina? She must have been a student of the class too, right? If so, where is she? It would be seriously more dramatic if she played a role in the opening complaints about the prompt or even if she was there at the end physically with Thomas and Mr Nelson. There is also no explanation about how Regina came to have a magic locket or was able to create such magic. Or why she was so desperate for Mr Nelson that she trapped him (and the class).

I think you could quite easily lengthen this story to include Regina in a more full manner without any detrimental effect.


*Quill*The Technical Side
Nothing really knocked me for a six regarding spelling or grammatical oddities. However, when I first read the following line it came out as the window having the exasperation, rather than the boy:

“Why do you hate us so?” asked a boy seated near the window with exasperation.

I'd been thinking some well placed commas might do, but I think I'd re-write the sentence just a bit instead. Perhaps something like 'asked an exasperated boy seated near the window.'


*Tree*Closing Comments
Putting aside my questions about Regina your overall plot, characters, and dialogue were nicely woven to create a sharply moving ouroboros-sequence. You might not have liked the original prompt, but you did a great job with it! It is in fact a very nice story for Halloween month.


Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read and review your work! Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any queries about anything I have written, and if you ever make any changes I'd be happy to review again.

Many kind regards,
Osirantinous

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154
154
Review of nightmares  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Robert Wallis !

As first short stories go, this is pretty good, and I'd like to offer a review of "nightmares" . As per normal, these are my personal views and you're welcome to use them however you like.


*Tree*First Impressions
As every writer knows, you have to catch the reader's attention very early on. If they're not hooked in the first paragraph you're pretty much doomed. My very first impression of Nightmares was 'what an intriguing opening few lines'. And you continued to catch me with the direct acknowledgement of the reader. I felt a bit voyeuristic on one hand and on the other that I was being treated to some great inside secret (a scary one, it turns out). The mention of Jon Doe did confuse me just a moment because that is such a well known pseudonym. For a second I had to wrack my brain to see if I could recall any real murderers going by that name! That in turn made me feel a bit uneasy, which is a perfect fit with your genre.


*Screw*The Nuts and Bolts

Setting
You do a wonderful job of painting the reader a picture of the physical setting. And anyone who has moved house will sympathise with the boxes everywhere as well as recalling their very first flat which was probably just as much a shoe box as Jon and his mum's.

Temporally, though, I am confused. Bless Wikipedia for telling me that year three is generally 8 years old and year six 11 years old in most school systems, but that didn't clarify the past and then the more distant past. Early on Jon tells us he's eleven but when he goes to lie down and starts to dream he goes back to the past - year six - when he's eleven which he's stated he is (unless he's in the New Zealand school system where year six is for 10-year-olds). So how much 'past' is it actually? Then he sprints even further back to year three when things went terribly wrong. Just when I think I've got it (the past is over a four-year period), at the end Jon tells us he was in a mental home until he was eight, and I'm not entirely sure if I've got all my dates and ages correct because he says he didn't get off Scot free. I'd presumed this was over Daniel's murder (when Jon was eight). But if he was in a home until then.... So, as I said, temporally I'm a bit confused about when passed events really happened; I think a little clarification would help (or perhaps even removing that sentence about year 6? It sort of sits there on its own and I don't think it would harm your plot if it was taken out.).

Plot
A very scary plot given that it involves an eleven-year-old child. At first Jon seems very normal, coping with moving house and a split family. We have been warned of course that all is not as it seems but it is actually still quite a shock to read of his murder of Daniel - again, you've got the suspense part of the genre down pat. On an even scarier note, this plot could just as easily be about a boy who'd been taunted one too many times and simply reacted as seems to happen too often these days.

You also made it clear that you were giving some background to the life of the killer and it is mind-blowing that 'life' started at such a young age. That heightens the suspense for future stories about Jon that I presume you'll be writing.

There was one aspect of the plot that was unclear, that had been added in like a dangling carrot: Daniel plaguing Jon, protecting him for that one reason; to have Jon for himself. Why? This really adds to the suspense but unless you are going to write more about Jon and bring Daniel's ghostly needs into play I think you'd almost be better off removing that paragraph. Readers will hunger for an answer and woe if it's not given. Try not to dangle carrots that won't lead to anything.

Character
You describe enough of Jon for me to be able to envisage him, as well as why he is taunted and why he reacts. He also comes across as a very intelligent child. However, I'm a bit on the cusp of thinking some of his language was a bit too "old" for an eleven-year-old. That's a matter solely of personal opinion, of course, but I can't imagine a child talking in quite this way: "Just a bit tired, that's all. What else did you say, sorry?"

Right at the beginning you state that Jon is pure evil, yet through his memories he actually comes across sympathetic. He's clearly dealt with years of very bad teasing and taunts and that day in year three he has just cracked. I'm not sure if you meant to make him sympathetic - if you did, all well and good, if you didn't then I think you need to add a few more memories detailing unpleasant moments. Right now, I feel sorry for him and I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Again, just my personal opinion, and having him come across this way does of course add to the suspense!

Climax
The end clearly indicates that Jon has demons. He suffers nightmares and he jumps at shadows. And here we also learn he's been in a mental home. All this and he comes from a broken home. It is fascinating to learn that he named himself Jon Doe and a bit of a cold shock to the reader to learn his real name. It's nicely done.

But your very final paragraph left me confused again. More of the temporal stuff really. We learn that Jon's real mother left him but was it before he went into the mental hospital or when he came out of it? If the day she told him he was vile was the last time his life was ruined, I expect it to be after he murdered Daniel since he said that Daniel's taunt and the murder destroyed his life. Destroyed must equal ruined on some level. Also note that bringing Jon's real mother in at the end does cause some confusion to the beginning where he said that he and his mum had been kicked out three years ago. Which mum are you talking about in that first sentence? It sounds like it's Dawn, and if it is her then what does she know about Jon's birth? I think the very last sentences are another couple that could be removed without damaging your story at all. In fact ending on "When it was deemed acceptable for my release, Dawn adopted me, well she adopted the Jon Doe, not the murderous Ben Hill." is pretty powerful!


*Wind*Strengths and Suggestions
This is quite an easy read; for the most part you are clear and concise, your wording easily allowing us to create the images in our minds as we read. The plot is strong and certainly suspenseful.

Clarifying years and mums, as mentioned above, would tighten the whole story even further.

One other thing I would suggest - don't give Gemma "dirty blonde hair". If Jon thinks he's going to win her as a girlfriend that description will end it before it starts! He describes her eyes as tropical blue, he must be able to come up with a better description of her hair.


*Quill*The Technical Side
By technical I generally mean spelling, grammar and the like. There's only minor 'crimes' here that you probably already know about so I won't mention them, apart from the "dirty blonde hair" sentence. It doesn't stand on its own as a complete sentence. I get the feeling you were explaining what reaction the hair caused Jon? If not quite that then you do need to re-order the sentence; perhaps something like 'her long [golden] hair always fell neatly down her back.'


*Tree*Closing Comments
I liked this short story. You hooked me from the start, hooked me in the middle with the murderous year three and then hooked me at the end with the whole 'mental home' comment. Aside from my confusion about years and mums (which might just be me), I think your first effort a strong one. I would certainly read more of Jon's story should you write it.


In any case, thanks for giving me the opportunity to read and review your work! Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any queries about anything I have written. And I'm always here if you'd like me to do another review at some stage.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

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Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Hi ChrisDaltro-Chasing Moonbeams !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang (feel free to visit "Invalid Item"  for more information), undertaking their review course for newbies. One of our lessons is to review work by a ‘yellow case’ or higher, somewhat daunting for a newbie reviewer! I chose "The House on Black Brook Road"  because horror/scary is not something I generally write, let alone read so I believe reviewing out of my comfort zone will help my skills. But I also hope that, in relation to the topics in the Horror/Scary newsletter you were mentioned in, my comments might help you garner some tricks to capture the interest of non-horror/scary readers like me.


*Tree*First Impressions
Your opening sentence is a great hook. It’s a simple statement but it carries power; it is the event that creates your story and it’s all the more powerful because it’s first person. I expect to be really carried deep into Abigail's mind. The second hook is the house – for the character, obviously, and the reader. Love at first sight doesn’t have to be between two people! (I can relate, my house was the first I looked at too!) In fact the opening section reminded me of Susanna Kearsley’s Mariana; the lead character is hooked by a house as a young child and buys it as an adult. It is a ghost/spiritual story too, though a romance rather than horror.

So I prepared myself to be unnerved by the house or by something in it. The fact it was run-down, hadn’t been lived in for years and was a stunningly quick sale helped build the tension.


*Screw*The Nuts and Bolts

Setting
The story starts in 1994 and appears to follow a time-frame of a couple of months, before it jumps well forward in time going by the line “I remember I had to scare my son and his family away from here but this was a very long time ago.” It made me a little bit confused. Are we dealing in years? In fact are we dealing in centuries? Is the story-teller now dead and a ghost too? The present tense “I still don’t understand…” at the start of the ending doesn’t make it clear. Even as a ghost Abigail could still be this way. I wanted a little more ‘closure’ on the ending.

You started with the great opening hook of time and place, I think ending with something of the same would have added a bit more clout. It is clear Abigail has suffered and still suffers but how long? Perhaps the opposite of giving a precise time-frame (for linear folk like me) you could have added into that final paragraph something about Abigail not knowing how long things had been going on for, how long she’d been hiding in her room. To my mind that would add a bit more scary into it.

Plot
I’ve already said I’m not so hot on horror/scary. I can do ghost but not really in the evil, psycho kind of way. I am the kind of person who has to watch/read this genre in the daylight and then easily scare myself at night. Being a house owner, the idea of a house being possessed is very unpleasant and uncomfortable. It’s just like Abigail says: it’s her house, how dare someone else try to claim it, how dare she feel unsafe in it. A house is your asset, your bolt-hole, your place of rest. So, I think you’ve got a great plot here and I like the fact that Abigail is all rose-tinted glasses about the house and even soldiers on when things start to be a little bit odd.

Conflict (aka Plot Fuel)
There were some places, though, where I didn’t feel as scared as I was perhaps supposed too. Doors opening on their own, footsteps and other odd sounds are classic scary stuff, almost a cliché, so they weren’t anything I didn’t expect. And when you had Abigail witness these things you described them in a fairly minimal manner, missing the opportunity to really freak me out (the active-imagination side of me is grateful).

The breathing and running in the walls was a different matter. Hearing creaking floorboards behind you would be nothing to hearing something scuttling about within the walls, perhaps following you as you moved through the house, shadows appearing occasionally. That really made me feel like I wanted to run a mile so I would like to have seen that come into play more – was it just a possum or rat, could it have been a bird stuck somehow, how could there be a shadow when there’s no light… Yes, I think you could have played this out more and heightened the tension. Is it the house or is there really someone else in the house?

Character
I like the fact that Abigail kept her rose-tinted glasses on through various odd happenings, even after she’d encountered breathing and movement in the walls, cold air, and the presence of something evil. She is determined to win whatever battle is taking place. But other than this, and the fact she is clearly handy at renovation, I didn’t really get a sense of what type of person she is (besides impulsive in buying house at first sight). You mention she had a bad divorce; a little bit of background on that might have given more clues to what type of woman she is. By the end she sounds rather a bit like she’s stepped to the ‘crazy’ side (understandable) and it would have been nice to get a more in-depth look at that happening. Again, I think a little step-by-step would have heightened the scary feeling – especially if part of her knew something was giving way.

I thought it was interesting that I only got a 'visual' of the ghostly shadow right at the end, in two last paragraphs. It was a bit startling to read about the burning eyes and animal smile right at the end, as if I was only just being 'introduced' to the character. Giving away little hints throughout the story would have kept the reader engaged and would have increased the opportunity for creating shivers down their back. For example, when Abigail goes into the room on the third floor a hand touches her face but there is no description of the hand. Even if Abigail didn’t see it, surely she could tell if it was bony or clawed. Later Eve tells her about a stench; it could have been in this earlier instance too since a hand on a face would have been close to the nose – smell of death, smell of must. Aromas can be just as scary out of the blue as noises or shadows.

Theme
I'm not sure if you intended to have a motif here. I certainly don't start out with one in mind when I write. However, in reading the story again and my own comments above I'd say determination/courage might be such a motif. Abigail sticks to her guns, no matter what the ghost or the house throw at her. It shows strength of character. Her life might be going to hell in a hand-basket but she won't give in, will fight for what is hers even if the consequence is being reduced to acting much like the old woman.

Climax
I mentioned under Setting that the ending seemed to be positioned long after the previous events. I felt a bit disconnected by that; the previous paragraph was Abigail meeting the ghost face to face but nothing seemed to come of it and then suddenly we were at the end. How long is the time gap between both events? Abigail still has the strong sense of ‘my house’ but then you also say that she was never herself after the last meeting with the woman (presumably the paragraph before). She hides (I love that sentence) and the following final sentences made me wonder if 1 she is now a ghost and/or 2 she is totally crazy.

The final quarter of the ending, while you don't end with the 'precise timing' I mentioned above, is still strong. A challenge directly to the reader and I like that kind of writing; it draws the reader in and makes us part of the story. Not sure I liked imagining a bony finger beckoning me though!


*Quill*The Technical Side
There were a couple of things that caused some pauses in my reading that I'd like to mention. They are just my opinion so feel free to ignore them.

In your first paragraph you give two distinct descriptions of the house, split by "You could tell that nobody had live there for many years." I think this sentence would have fitted better either at the beginning of the description or after it. In the middle as it is I feel it makes one or other of the descriptions a bit extraneous.

In the paragraph starting "The next day was Saturday." I was confused about the floors. You start by saying the rays lit the stairs that led to the first floor and then you went up them to the second floor. I presumed the floors were one and the same but it was a bit jarring. I had to read the paragraph twice to make sure I hadn't just skipped something. The same sort of disconnect happened a few paragraphs down. You ended one with "It was then that I knew that there was something wrong with my home." yet at the end of the following paragraph had Abigail saying "I still thought it was all part of my imagination running wild." This may just have been Abigail in denial but again it disrupted my flow and I had to go back and check what I'd previously read.

Finally, the paragraph with Eve was proof that Abigail wasn't just imagining things but because it wasn't written in the past perfect tense it turned the point of view to an omnipresent narrator, upsetting my flow. It is Eve telling Abigail what she'd witnessed but in using just the past tense it reads as if Abigail was both a fly on the wall to events and was in Eve's head to know what she was thinking and feeling. It's a pretty easy thing to mix up PoV, and sometimes hard to pick up!


*Tree*Closing Comments
As I mentioned at the beginning, your opening paragraph was a great hook, and I related quite closely with Abigail about being drawn to a house without much preamble. And the first night I spent alone in my house I had an odd experience too. As I lay in bed I heard a door unlatch and footsteps tapping down the hall. None of my doors were closed and I don't have wooden floors. I opened my eyes and saw a tall dark shape by the bed. I told it to go away, that I was alright and then slept like a log. I prefer to think it was my deceased grandmother just checking on me. That was six years ago now and I've never had it since but Abigail is definitely a character I can relate to and wanted to read about.

I am confused about the ending, the time-frame of it and just what sort of state Abigail is in. But that is also a good thing, since it makes me question why she is like this or that, makes me read over again to see if I can spot anything secreted in the story that will illuminate her situation. It also starts me imagining how I might handle such situations. It's a bit of an odd feeling, really; I'm not sure the story itself really scared me but you've given my imagination some good prompts so I can scare myself later on!


Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read and review your work! Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any queries about anything I have written. I'd also love some feedback on the kinds of things Preferred Authors would like to see in reviews so I can tailor my review 'themes' appropriately.

Many kind wishes,
Osirantinous

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Review of Annie  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hi carlton607 !

I've just read "Annie" , and I'd like to offer you a review.

*Tree* The Big Picture:
To be honest, this short story puzzled me; I felt like I was reading two stories superimposed on one another and happening concurrently. That would be an intriguing way of writing and would certainly grab the reader's attention, but I mostly came across feeling a bit schizophrenic and rather unsure of just where Annie stood (or rather, lay).

On the other hand, that little bit of 'can't quite figure it out' can be compelling. Annie is obviously frightened but why? She screams it and while we're reading so do we! Why is she afraid? Why is she worried? Why is someone hiding in the bushes? And what the heck happened in the past? Unfortunately, the reader doesn't find out and I felt a little let down. Annie has woken up happy and somehow resurrected but WHY... There seems to be no real reason and the fact that Annie dies a little bit later is straight out puzzling. I kept thinking that perhaps part of the resurrection entailed her growing from old to young and 'dying' actually meant that she'd gone back into the womb (or maybe that was me envisaging Annie as a baby which just might resemble a plump chicken!).


*Star* Strengths:
One of the main strengths of this piece is that it's very easy to understand Annie's emotions - even if we don't know why she's feeling them. And even though you've managed to turn physical events into emotional events (such as the lightning), which ring alarm bells everywhere, they still convey emotion. Frankly, the image of lightning biting into a soul (spelling!) is strong. One just has to see the figurative side, rather than literal.

I loved 'She was petrified like a peace of old wood.' even though you had the wrong 'peace'. You might have meant petrified as in scared here but petrified as in frozen also works well, and you do mention in the next sentence that Annie's face froze.


*Apple* Suggestions:
I said earlier that I felt rather schizophrenic reading this story; it's mostly because there are multiple points of view - Annie's, Buster's, and a mystery narrator. Third person narrative can certainly have multiple narrators but they need to stick to what they know. A prime example of this is 'Buster rolled over and went to sleep out in the hallway. Annie wondered why Buster did that even though she couldn't see him.' You've actually admitted the error here - Annie can't see what Buster is doing so how does she know he's gone to sleep in the hallway? Another example is that the sun is shining through the window and Annie 'knows' it but she actually still has her head under the blankets. How can she know the sun is shining? Keeping your eye on who is narrating will help refine your story line, and prevent characters from appearing to have an omnipresent eye.

Something I, personally, would like to see is some explanation of what Annie is worried about, what happened in the past. I like to be kept guessing but the way she keeps freaking out about what happened without giving anything away is rather annoying. Tied to this would be why someone is hiding in the bushes. Is it to do with the past? Is she just paranoid? This story has so many 'whys' they tend to take over and ruin the good qualities, so I would suggest either removing some of the 'emotion' sentences totally or complementing them with explanation of why Annie is so terrified.

You also need to watch that you avoid contradiction. In the same paragraph from which comes the old wood metaphor Annie is afraid, freezing (as in going still) and calm. Petrified, frozen and fearing does not sound calm to me! And then she goes into a peaceful slumber, something unexpected and highly unlikely in this situation; especially when you next state that Annie woke several times in worry. Topsy-turvy writing adds to the schizophrenic feel and only confuses the reader. You should try to be clear and consistent with emotions (and actions) so the reader doesn't spend all their time unsure what's going on. In addition be careful how you compose sentences. For example, I like that Buster was happy because his tail wagged but I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant to say. A simple way of weeding out oddities is to read out loud; it'll be quite clear where something doesn't sound quite right and you should be able to fix it up without much hassle (and it'll prevent reviewers nit-picking).


*Quill* The Technical Side:
Please watch your spelling and word choice. Spelling and grammar checkers won't pick up when you've got peace and piece wrong so you have to be extra diligent in doing this yourself. Spelling errors are distracting, using the wrong word totally even more so. Passed and past are another trick set of words that will rewrite your story without you meaning to.

Not so much technical but I felt that there were several sentences that could be removed altogether because they didn't actually fit with the plot. 'Buster was a mix breed dog and he liked to play.' is such an example. It doesn't fit with the story and certainly not within the paragraph it's included in.

Overall, though the plot isn't quite clear (and maybe that's how you want it) there is enough here that the reader can start to get involved with what's going with Annie, feeling the see-sawing emotions as she does. However, I think you could help them connect more closely with her if there weren't extraneous sentences (such as that about Buster liking to play) and if the narrator's point of view was refined to just one (that of Anne).

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read and review your writing! And don't hesitate to get in touch if you want me to clarify any of my comments.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

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157
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Nick!

I've just read "The Mysterious Death of Michelle Gram" , and I'd like to offer my thoughts.

*Tree* The Big Picture:
Your opening sentence was a total attention-grabber and made me intrigued to read on to find out why the character would even think such a thing. And getting into the story, I started to feel just like Mr Weaver - I don't carry change any more either and every morning run a gauntlet of beggars, buskers and charity collectors. I (and pretty much everyone else around me) avoid eye contact because you do feel worse when you catch someone's eye and just walk passed. I think most people reading this would agree that guilt does arise and I like the fact that readers will start to think about how they act and feel (even if that wasn't something you intended).

Initially I wasn't sure where the 'ignored' of your description came into the story as I didn't see that Mr Weaver was actually ignoring his conscience, but on a second read it becomes clearer in his actions with the second beggar, with the tip for the barista, as well as the fact that it seems every day he does have cash (and where I live ATM machines do not give you $5 notes!). He is ignoring the guilt over Michelle. Mind you, I felt that Mr Weaver came across as just that sort of person, and that an attack of the guilty conscience was out of character for him!

In general this is a well-written, easy to read story about everyday actions and their 'consequences' (real or otherwise). And whether you intended to or not I think you've created quite a clever web; something to make people really think about what's happened/happening in this story.


*Star* Strengths:
As I mentioned, the first sentence is a real attention-grabber and draws the reader in. Your over-all writing style is clear and coherent. You don't go into a lot of description beyond Michelle, the heat haze and the window and I like that because to me it suits a story dealing with ignored feelings. The less effusive the better!


*Apple* Suggestions:
This is an entirely personal observation but I would like to have seen at least one of your other characters a male. The roles are all of the subservient sort - beggar, barista (think shop-girl), secretary - and to have them all filled by females just makes me think this story comes out of the 60s, 70s when that was the norm (especially in the conversation between Mr Weaver and Barbara). On the other hand, this actually seems to suit Mr Weaver's personality.


*Quill* The Technical Side:
By technical I mean typos and other odd things we writers do but your writing is clear of that and you've kept a good grip on your days of the week, not slipping up in your move through the week.

There are, however, a couple of places where I thought you could remove or swap around some words to tighten up the telling even further. For example, "according to the police report I read in the newspaper." You don't really need "I read" there because it's clear that's how the news was imparted. And when Mr Weaver is questioning Barbara about her knowledge you have "I asked. I’m not sure why." It's a bit staccato. You could move the "I asked" so the sentence is "I'm not sure why I asked."


Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read and review your short story. And I look forward to reading more.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

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Review of Requiem  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi BDukes! I've just read "Requiem" , and I'd like to offer this review.

I really like the idea you've put into words here. In the beginning, I admit, I didn't get it; just thought it was two old men playing music (even with the title!). So I very much liked the fact it wasn't so much that but a more powerful telling about how a long life ends (or can end). I am no musician but I am intrigued by the idea that instead of having your life flash before your eyes, it is played out in a song. It's a much more emotive way of thinking about/dealing with life and death.


*Star* Some Strengths:
Besides the gift of opening up your readers to a fresh way of viewing one's life (and death) I consider the fact that the plot wasn't overtly clear (at least to me!) a further strength. It made me read more seriously, rather than skim, and kept me reading until the end. And because of that slight non-clarity I felt the ending paragraph far more powerful. It made me go 'oh' and I read Requiem again from that newly acquired view point.

Natural dialogue is sometimes hard to come by, but yours is natural as well as expressive. You can really hear the pout in Stuart's voice as he says 'I asked for a song, not a lecture.' You might not even have needed to say Stuart pouted because the dialogue itself gave that impression.

*Apple* Some Suggestions:
I did find the first two paragraphs slightly confusing.

In the first instance, a misunderstanding on my part because I took speaker to be an actual person speaking. The belching I got (and was amazed at it being in the first sentence) but then the plugging threw me and I had to reread the sentence again for sense. I thought that exchanging belched for another (more music-oriented?) adjective might help provide some clarity.

Secondly, it didn't seem to me immediately clear who the pronoun 'he' always referred to in those two sentences and whether or not Stuart and the old man were one and the same. I had to read over a couple of times to separate the musician from Stuart. It is just a suggestion for linking Stuart/old man but making the apology line part of the first paragraph and even merging it into something like 'He offered an abashed smile and an apology in a voice trembling with anxiety.' might offer some clarification.

*Quill* The Technical Side:
By technical I mean those things that'll get out the red pen, but there is not a lot here that needs redacting from my point of view. I've already mentioned the pronoun use which I brought up for clarification's sake more than anything else.

The one other thing I noted was actually in your powerful last paragraph. You use before three times in the two sentences. A word can keep cropping up, especially where it has several meanings and uses, but it can also start to take over and affect the reader. I would recommend at least changing the second instance to gap the first and third but even changing the final version to something like '... whispered and walked out the door.' would work.

In any case, I liked Requiem a lot and I'm pleased you've given us the opportunity to read and review your writing!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

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Review of Alea iacta est  
Review by Osirantinous
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I have totally nothing critical to say about your writing style; it's very easy to read and flows well and I don't think you need to change a thing. As a classicist, and a Roman one at that, I can't wait to see how this story unfolds without Octavian in the picture. Most Greek and Roman novels these days tend to follow the known path; I'm glad to see one veering off it!
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