Hi Weird Uncle Mick
I spotted "Pale Winter Sun" under the Read a Newbie side bar and since I write LGBT myself (and run a contest for it) I thought I'd take a look. And now I offer a quick review in the hopes of seeing more of this 'novel'.
Reader Impressions
Having read your short biography section I've a feeling that this novel may have hints of real-life to it. That is no problem at all, and I'd think it would allow an even more indepth character-driven novel. Even in just these few lines - which read like the novel's book blurb - I feel the pain and confusion of the two boys and even that felt by the parents. Everyone reacts so instantly and then when the dust has died down people start wondering if they did things correctly or even right. I'm just hoping there are almost moments of light.
Anyway... I write gay fiction so I'm always interested when something new pops up on WDC. Welcome, by the way, hope you find that you have a second home here! I'm pleased to have come across this little gem. Three paragraphs are all it is but I can imagine the vast size of the story that's probably in your head (or is it written and it's just not on here?). The physical scale of Idaho acts (for me anyway) as a comparable scale to the emotional landscape that the boys must deal with. And, yes, I like a good angsty story, no matter the genre.
The opening sentence is fabulous. Some will tell you it's not grammatically correct, but who really cares. It packs a punch and I'd actually put it on its own line. It's six in-your-face words that make the reader start to 'feel' before they've barely started. We know we're in for tough times - and not just because it's winter.
I like that you introduce Mark straight off. He's the main character and we get a snapshot of his background. I would presume the novel will dig so much deeper into his home-life as much as his emotional state. I like the idea we'll get to see the fight going on in his head as well as the physical fight to survive in what's clearly a harsh place.
Since Mark doesn't appear to be forthcoming in his sexuality to anyone, I'm intrigued as to how he got to the same place at Trevor (which leads me to a query below about the ordering of the paragraphs). Of course, he could have these feelings early on and think 'crap, my family's gonna do the same' and leave before they can, and also leave just to keep Trevor company, safe etc (Has Trevor got a self-destructive history, or does this come about because he's kicked out?). I guess, no matter just how this came about, the novel is going to have a very strong theme of friendship and that's gold in any novel.
The new friends are made sounds promising, but when we read that they cause issues for Trevor the mind (my mind!) stars to wonder at all the things that could possibly happen to bring on such a reaction, so you've got a good hook here (among other hooks). Any kind of angst or conflict or, even, violence is going to heighten the struggle these two boys have to survive. And, if they do get a happy ending, which is hinted at in a tiny manner, then everything they've suffered through will make that ending even more sweet (okay, yes, I love a good romance!).
Loved the final paragraph. It sums up the novel - it's pretty much a fight for survival, and not just for the boys themselves, but the boys together (can they survive each other? is a huge huge hook) and the families too. I'd like to think we get some redemption going on here, that someone somewhere realises sexuality should have nothing to do with the ability to love someone. That love and respect are simply love and respect.
The Technical Side
Couple of technical things but also some queries where I've been a little confused. Hopefully you find bits that help to sort a few things out. After all, I presume you did put this up for others to read and comment on.
That's all Mark Jensen has... - this is a darn nice sentence and is really bleak when we've just read the first sentence. My query about it, though, relates to the sentence that comes next. It could be me reading it slightly incorrectly but this next sentence has Mark and Trevor having no one but themselves. I read this as being that they have each other, and therefore it made that first mention of what Mark has sound a little weird, like you're contradicting yourself. If you mean that each boy only has himself - until they sort of get together - then I'd recommend just making that a bit more clear. More so, because in the last sentence of that paragraph you have the same comment about counting on themselves.
shunned from - could be a semantics thing here, but I think 'from' needs to be 'by' in this particular context.
What is Mark afraid of confiding? That he's gay? If so, then the trying to live openly and honestly as homosexual doesn't match up. Is the issue that he can't confide to Trevor that he's in love with him? I think maybe my comprehension issue is that you've put the family kicking the boys out before you got to the whole 'reveal' section. Perhaps put the second paragraph (starting Mark's problems right after that initial mention of having no one but themselves. I think we need to see the boys trying to do their living and coming to terms with it and get that all sorted before we get to the thumping mention of being kicked out of home.
To be honest, I'm puzzled why Mark would feel alone if he's got his best friend there, even if his best friend seems to be spiralling out of control. Maybe I'm reading the moments of 'themselves' totally wrong, maybe they're not dealing with this together??? Anyway, it's a little confusing because they seem to be together but then not. (Actually, this also helps with that whole emotional roller coaster ride they're on so maybe it all works and I'm just nitpicking!)
Closing Comments
Sooooo, I'm really hoping you've got a whole bunch of chapters you're ready to spring on us (me) because this little snippet is a stinking great hook, and I'm already hungering to find out more about Mark and Trevor (and already making stuff up in my head).
By the way, "The LGBT Writing Contest - closed" is a contest I run (currently open) and since I see you also have a penchant for horror... if you haven't already, you might like to check out "SCREAMS!!!" which is a daily contest for horror/scary stories.
Anyway, so pleased this story popped up in that sidebar! Hope to read more, and don't hesitate to contact me if you need any clarification regarding my comments. (I can get quite a babble on!)
Best wishes,
Os
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