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1,194 Public Reviews Given
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Public Reviews
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Review of Derailed  
Review by Paul D
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Overall impression: I like the idea of your story and how it is developed. Your choice to use first person brings the reader into the story in a dynamic way.

Characterization: The character is a woman, but her name is not revealed. Her situation causes the reader to want to know what comes next, and her story carries the reader all the way to the end.

Dialogue: The dialogue is good and helps to enhance the story and move it along.


Area(s) for improvement: suggestions are as follows: Notes



When you have a chance stop by "Invalid Item Then write a story and enter for a chance to win. Thanks, on behalf of pinkbarbie and Paul.


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277
Review by Paul D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Overall impression: I enjoyed this story. It is fun and teaches a lesson to think before speaking.

Characterization: Ophelia is a great character. Her story is interesting and i wanted to know what would happen next.

Dialogue: The dialogue is good and helps to advance the story.

Twists and turns: A nice twist is that the wings are too small to fly.

Area(s) for improvement: I include a few technical notes notes




When you have a chance stop by "Invalid Item Then write a story and enter for a chance to win. Thanks, on behalf of pinkbarbie and Paul.


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Review of Bob and Kat  
Review by Paul D
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Overall impression: I like this story for its creativity.

Characterization: The characters are the best part of the story. They are all well done. I was drawn to the story just to find out what would happen next.

Dialogue: I enjoyed the dialogue.

Twists and turns: There are a few surprises. I liked the part where Kat became a cat and ate Bob. Then it turns out that Bob is a boy not a bird. The ending was another good surprise.


Area(s) for improvement:

corner, and looked - delete comma

sudden, and then - delete comma

Chin towards the corner - missing a word

vanished, but didn't - missing subject

instant, but then - delete comma

looked, and with an accent - delete comma

He was just like her best friend, Mary Smith had said, a hopeless - try - He was just like, what her best friend, Mary Smith, said, a hopeless

window, and elves - delete coma

crush on and he had - on,

park but she hadn’t - comma after park

Kat the little girl were right - Kat, the little girl, were right

hands and the baby girl - hands,

hands and some - hands,

nervous and all of a sudden Kat - nervous, and all of a sudden, Kat

she said and her eyes - said,

mouth and all of a sudden Bob - mouth, and all of a sudden, Bob

her now, and looking - delete comma

a baby and her - baby,





When you have a chance stop by "Invalid Item Then write a story and enter for a chance to win. Thanks, on behalf of pinkbarbie and Paul.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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279
Review by Paul D
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hey! I like yellow and big eyes. lol Paul

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Review of PK Chapter 1  
Review by Paul D
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Overall impression: I like your idea.

Characterization: describe your characters more. The characters are interesting and show the story.

Dialogue: the dialogue is good.

Area(s) for improvement: The reader knows what is coming because of Pandora and the box. I suggest that the name Pandora not be used. This will create more suspense.

Also leave a space between each paragraph. This makes for easier reading.




When you have a chance stop by "Invalid Item Then write a story and enter for a chance to win. Thanks, on behalf of pinkbarbie and Paul.


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Review of Elsewhere  
Review by Paul D
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Overall impression: When I finished reading, I wanted to read more. This is a story that wets the interest of the reader.

Characterization: The character Kik brings the reader into the story and carries the story very well to the end.

Area(s) for improvement: a few suggestions

no-one - no one

below, but - below, but also

surprise, then - delete comma

village the gilded - comma after village


definite... tendency - definite . . . tendency





When you have a chance stop by "Invalid Item Then write a story and enter for a chance to win. Thanks, on behalf of pinkbarbie and Paul.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Five Golden Rings  
Review by Paul D
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like the uniqueness of your idea to take ordinary rings and made them symbolic of love. This idea is developed very well.

Janet's life as a mother is a very busy one, keeping up with four kids. The reason for the rings in the story kept me wondering what it was all about. The ending came as a good surprise.

I like the message this story brings. Jeff wanted Janet to know that he appreciated her and was thinking about her.

Well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Shane the Pain  
Review by Paul D
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Overall impression: I found this to be an interesting story. A convict escapes and then the story gets interesting.

Characterization: Shane is an interesting character. His account captures the readers attention.

Dialogue: The dialogue helps to advance the story and is well done.

Twists and turns: There are a couple of good surprised. the girl and the vampire and then that Shane has changed as well.

Area(s) for improvement: be…” - My opinion the . . . needs to be used sparingly. Format is - word . . . word. pause in middle of sentence. - - word. . . . - for pause at end of sentence


We appreciate your entry in "Invalid Item And we hope to see more entries from you in the future. Thanks, on behalf of pinkbarbie and Paul.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Paul D
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Overall impression: I enjoyed this story of a soldier returning home to find how things have changed.


Characterization: The main character, Derrick, is well done. His story is compelling.


Dialogue: I enjoyed the dialogue. It felt natural and it helped to advance the story

Twists and turns: I liked the twist at the ending where Sheila and Eric's relationship is revealed.



Area(s) for improvement: take a look at the usage of "said." Consider using other words.

Derrick finished his food and looked hard at his brother. I may be mistaken but it seemed from context that this is Darren - not Derrick.


Grammar suggestions:

got home safe and I hope - use comma after safe - two sentences

Well now that - comma after now

see ya’ but I told - use comma after ya' - two sentences

“Sure,” Derrick said. “You - try this - “Sure,” Derrick said, “you or “Sure, you - context reveals speaker.

Calpella Valley - Capella Valley - description and story two different spellings

Derrick said, “Anything special?” - delete comma

other than that it’s - that,

Buttered dripped - Butter

countryfide - countryfied

sashayed about the floor she - comma after floor

back and as they did all the men - back, and as they did, all the men

dance and it - comma after dance

arms and she kissed - comma after arms

longer and he charged - comma after longer

screamed and the women - comma after screamed

her hate, but seemed - delete comma

walk out of the barn they - comma after barn

Sheila and Eric sat - comma after Eric





Your entry in "Invalid Item is appreciated and we hope to see more stories from you in the future, thanks, Paul.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Paul D
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Overall impression: This is a good story that is well paced, bringing the reader to an unexpected end.

My favorite: when the old woman says you promised me children and the younger one repeats her words, the tone of the story changes, giving the reader a hint of waht is still to come

Characterization: All three characters are well done. They bring the reader into the story, creating a desire to know more.

Dialogue: Good dialogue. It develops he story and moves it forward. Well done.

Twists and turns: Timera's death is unexpected and crucial to the story. Chelsea breathing life back into Timers and taking her body for her own. Gordon's fate of becoming Chelsea's husband. These are all well done and not expected by the reader.

Area(s) for improvement: suggested changes in bold

When there was no answer at the front door, the two

partner’s eyes, and his

downcast, and the leering

Its wrong and besides - It's

against his skin, and Gordon nearly

rock wall, and he stopped

death, let’s - use ; or period

Gordon froze, Timera’s - use ; or period

presence in Chelsea, and Gordon was terrified

But first lets - let's

from her lungs, she inhaled

They were like he remembered

dig into his arm, and his view

With her free hand, she

coughed, and her face

purple, and then

carefully, and I think

don’t move, you’ll

With one precise stroke, she

weakness, and you

flagstone path, she

With each syllable, she



keep writing



Thank you for your entry in "Invalid Item We look forward to your future entries.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of No name yet  
Review by Paul D
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Overall impression: I like this story. I can't wait to read the finished version. The tension builds as the story unfolds. Well done.

Characterization: Jessie's narrative draws the reader into the story. This character is well done.

Area(s) for improvement: She punched throught the buttons = through
As she drove she listened - comma after drove
how they got in and there was no evidence - coma after in
The rest of the drive home Jessie - coma after home
As she got out of her car she decided - comma after car
When she got to the far side of the house she started - comma after house
stood to close to the house and it branches - comma after house
At the front of the house she didn't - comma after house
Put her feet up on the coffee table. Closed her eyes and tried - suggest
She put her feet up on the coffee table, closed her eyes, and tried
After a few minutes she - comma after minutes
'I never close the doors. How did they get closed' she thought. - suggest use italics for internal dialogue
Knowing it was Dave she - comma after Dave
Dave started to say something but she - comma after something
She dropped her phone and it - comma after phone

Keep writing and finish your story soon



When you have a chance stop by "Invalid Item Then write a story and enter for a chance to win. Thanks, Paul.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
287
287
Review by Paul D
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Overall impression: This is a great story. The ending was a slam dunk surprise.

My favorite: Just then, without warning, the screen suddenly went blank. Wow! I was surprised. This is as very good twist--loved it.

Characterization: The character is well done. I was pulled into the action.

Twists and turns: excellent twist at the end.

Area(s) for improvement: This is a great story. Well written. Keep writigng


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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288
Review by Paul D
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Overall impression: I like this story. It starts of in regular fashion. When the action starts it is like a roller coaster ride--hang on.

My favorite: Finding someone in the outhouse was funny. It was unexpected.

Characterization: Mike is well described. Stella. This is a very good character. well done for both the woman and the man. These two characters bring this story to life. It feels real.

Dialogue: I like the dialogue. It is well written.

Twists and turns: I enjoyed the idea that the woman was a man, Well done.


This is a great read.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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289
Review by Paul D
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Overall impression: I like this story. I got the impression that this is only a part of the complete story.

My favorite:
A woman with snake-like gray hair popped up and stared wide-eyed at the dress. I was surprised that the other character was a dress. I found this very creative. A great idea that is used well in the story

Characterization: The two main characters are well developed and move the story along to the conclusion. I enjoyed the dialogue.

Area(s) for improvement: this sentence written with that making it a series with commas.

She said that she was Cydia's daughter,that she was going to tell her, and that she saw me."

good story keep writing


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
290
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Review by Paul D
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Overall impression: I like this story idea and its presentation. Very inventive.

My favorite: "His bite WAS worse than his bark..." this play on words tickled me,

Characterization: Using the tree as the main character makes the story unique and clever.

Twists and turns: The ending is the true twist, finding the man cut down instead of the tree.

Area(s) for improvement: “Amazing…this - try “Amazing . . . this for pause use word space dot space dot space dot space word

Great story keep writing


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
291
291
Review of Valentine's Day  
Review by Paul D
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
It is hard to tell a story in 69 words. I like what you have written. It starts off normal then gets darker as it goes. The decision to write in first person is good. It brings the reader into the story. I did not see any grammatical errors. This would be a good story to expand. Keep writing
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Review by Paul D
In affiliation with 30 Day Image Prompt Contest Co...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I like your poem for the message as well as for its rhythm.
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293
Review by Paul D
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love this account. Great. I can see the gator now.
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294
Review by Paul D
In affiliation with 30 Day Image Prompt Contest Co...  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I appreciate the humor of the Zombie encounter. The rhythm and rhyme are very good.
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295
Review by Paul D
In affiliation with 30 Day Image Prompt Contest Co...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
The main character is interesting and brings the reader along on a mysterious ride of discovery. I liked the plot development and the story idea. There are a few grammatical error. The overall story is very good.
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296
Review of Deadly Dreams  
Review by Paul D
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I like this story. It is very interesting. There are some grammatical errors. The dialoge is good and the ending is very good. The main character is well done.
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297
Review of A Fresh Start  
Review by Paul D
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like this story. I enjoyed the dialogue and the main character is well developed. I like the ending. It did take me a couple times of reading the ending to figure it out.
298
298
Review by Paul D
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is a great story. The characters bring the world in which they life to life. The dialogue is great. The reader's interest is captured a the beginning and not released until the end. Good ending.
299
299
Review of Mending the Sword  
Review by Paul D
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
How do I describe a story that grabs hold of the reader from the start and propels them into another time and land where they find characters who come to life as they observe them. Magic might be a word to start with, but it would only be a start. The characters make the reader want to know more. The dialogue is well done. The plot is interesting. I look forward to reading more of the story.
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Review by Paul D
Rated: E | (4.5)
A tall fish tale if I ever heard one. I like the idea and its development. The main character came to life and helped move the story along. I liked the dialogue as well.
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