|A House Stark review for "Red Wedding updating " , for ~ Aqua ~ of House Martell.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS I'm a real sap for a tear-jerker, so I couldn't resist the title and description.
WHAT I LIKED
1.) Great dialogue - Smooth and keeps the story progressing.
2.) Lily seems like a precious girl.
1.) Word choice — "non-tedious personality...." Of course, this is completely a personal choice, but non-tedious seems so clinical to me. Perhaps lively, or precocious?
2.) Plot Concerns — I'm a little confused about how Peter came to be in the hospital. Was he sick previously? Did he pass out and wake up there? If so, why doesn't he ask how he got there? I think my confusion comes from the fact that the cancer seems like a surprise. Perhaps the conversation with the doctor could be revised so that she is simply giving him the latest news. Then his hospital stay would make perfect sense. In addition, Peter also seems, at times, to be rather robust for a dying man.
3.) Time line — Peter is discharged on Dec. 29th. The next day Lily says it is New Year's Eve?
1.) Use comma between independent clauses (sentences) — Example: "set in and he saw...." Instead: "in, and he...."
2.) Repeated phrase, perhaps an editing error? — Example: "Peter held his five-year old daughter." This was repeated.
PARTING COMMENTS Though I thought Lily was endearing, I never really felt an emotional pull for Peter. I think I was distracted by the plot concerns I mentioned earlier. Perhaps revising to solve these issues would create a strong connection for the reader.
This review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!"