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51
51
Review of Learning Chess  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear BillPiper,

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: This story's gift is the look it gives at the human side of soldiers. It reminds us that though many may see them as hardened by the ravages of war, there is often a softer side. It also creates a great metaphor comparing the battle of chess to the battle of war. I suspect, that after some revisions to correct the repetitive sentence structures, this could be a very powerful piece.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Flashbacks - Both flashbacks are effective and work to develop the characters and plot.

*Check* Characterization - The relationship between the boy and his uncle is very touching. By developing the uncle through the eyes of his young nephew the reader is able to see the softer side of a man that many might see as a hardened soldier. Nicely done.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* "...Chess is a lot like..." Very profound, and like the narrator, I felt the need to mull this over.

*Check* "Her love exploded..." Loved the verb!

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Presentation - Try using italics for internal thoughts. Using quotes can sometimes confuse the reader because they might mistake those thoughts as words spoken aloud.

*Check* Characterization/Metaphor - "...become a soldier just like him." When I first read this story, I came to a skidding halt when I realized the narrator was in a wheelchair. At first, I even thought that this was a glaring mistake. However, after some pondering on my part, I realized that the narrator meant on the chess board and not in real life. Unfortunately, I think this carries the metaphor comparing chess to war just a little too far. I would suggest finding a way to clear up this potential confusion as many readers may not realize this is figurative and not literal. Perhaps the boy can aspire to become a master strategist like his uncle.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* There is an over-reliance on starting sentences with the pronoun "I". This is especially noticeable because of the number of paragraphs that start with I (14/22). I would suggest rereading - maybe even with a highlighter to highlight all of the "I" sentences -- and then consciously rewording some of these.

*Check* Spelling - 1) "must've" -- not a word. 2) "But not know." Should be now.

*Check* Verb Tense - "I know this was..." Should be is.

BOTTOM LINE: An original story line that is at times a moving tribute.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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52
52
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
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Hello Lexi! Thank you for entering this story in:

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest Open in new Window. (E)
A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~
#1557458 by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon


In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to the prompt, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest *Smile*]



*Note2* Characters: *Star**Star**Star*

*Thumbsup* When we look at other cultures, we often find ourselves wondering why people sacrifice their lives so easily for religion (at least that's our narrow view). We have a hard time "seeing" into the minds of these people, making it difficult to understand what motivates them. I thought you bridged this gap very well in your portrayal of the excitement and honor felt by those who perform such acts. Nicely done.

*Check2* I would have liked to have seen more time developing the characters, especially physical descriptions. I thought through most of the story that the companion messengers were also girls until the very end where the narrator started referring to them as her brothers. Also, how old was the narrator? I know she was at least a little older than her companions because she comments on how young they were.


*Note5* Plot/Conflict/Pace: *Star**Star**Star*

*Thumbsup* I thought the idea for the plot was very original. I liked how the characters were so blissfully happy, yet the reader feels great sadness at the coming tragedy.

*Check2* "Why the Ice Maiden was frozen alive by the Inca People to their Sun God." This was the description of the title, yet the story had the three young messengers going to the Sun Volcano. Perhaps, I am ignorant of this culture, but I suspect that others may not get this connection either. I kept thinking, "How is the messenger going to be frozen if she is going to a volcano?"

*Check2* I would have liked to see more time spent on building the tension. Think Indiana Jones type of scene as the narrator and the companions make their way up to the volcano.


*Note1* Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: *Star**Star**Star*

*Thumbsup* No spelling errors! Yea!

*Check2* I would suggest that you reread this aloud. There were a couple errors where words were either misused or missing. Our brain tends to gloss over these kinds of mistake because we know what is suppose to be there and so it reads the piece as if they are there. Reading it aloud tends to slow us down and will catch these types of errors. Example: "Mother helped my put..." My should be me.

*Check2* Double space between paragraphs, please! Makes readability easier, and those of us over 40 really appreciate that! *Laugh*

*Check2* Capitalization - Resist the urge to capitalize the word god unless you are referring to God by name. Examples: Correct - "...joining the Sun God..." Fine because you are calling this god by name. Incorrect - "...where the Gods come...." Incorrect because the narrator is referring to multiple gods and none of them by name.



*Note3* First Impression Wow Factor: *Star**Star**Star**Star*

*Thumbsup* I liked the topic. Thought it was unique story line. I also liked how you resisted the urge to make it a happy ending.

*Check2* I would have liked the piece to be a little longer so that the tension could be built up more on the walk to the volcano



*Right* My Overall Rating: *Star**Star**Star*

I enjoyed your creative story! Reviewers and Judges are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 7th of the month. The Judge will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!


Pepper
53
53
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hello Shadow! Thank you for entering this story in:

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest Open in new Window. (E)
A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~
#1557458 by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon


In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to the prompt, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest *Smile*]



*Note2* Characters: *Star**Star**Star*

*Thumbsup* Excellent descriptions of the Whisperer. I could easily visualize him and thought you created an air of mystery around him that intrigued the reader.

*Check2* I would have like to have seen Joseph introduced earlier in the story. It feels like you want the reader to experience the story through Joseph's eyes, yet we don't meet him until almost half way through. I would suggest that Joseph be inserted into some of the opening description. For example: Joseph could feel himself being drawn to the scene and not understanding. Joseph could find himself walking beside a bear and not caring. Also, Joseph could be the one to describe the Whisperer. Giving Joseph a voice earlier will allow the reader to better connect with him and it will make it more believable that Joseph takes up for the Piper.



*Note5* Plot/Conflict/Pace: *Star**Star**Star**Star*

*Thumbsup* The plot was nicely developed. The intro created the tension and it was carried along by the encounter of the the crowd with the piper. I also thought that the mob-like scene was very realistic in the sense that people often panic and seek to destroy that which they do not understand.

*Check2* "...like flies to a light..." Ummm, I might suggest that an insect such as a moth would fit better here. I've never known flies to be attracted to light, and I was born a country gal! *Smile*

*Check2* The story opens in the morning, yet the Piper ends the story watching the sun set. This would not be a problem, except there is nothing that indicates this much lapse in time. If you want to leave the Piper watching the sunset after his escape, you might want to insert a phrase that gives the reader a feeling like an extended amount of time has passed.




*Note1* Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: *Star**Star**Star**Star*

*Thumbsup* No spelling errors that I could detect! Bravo!

*Check2* There seems to be an over-reliance on gerund phrases (ing verb phrases) to move the action along; . For example, "...Brutus cried pulling back his blade for another strike. The Whisperer moved in closer, cutting off the avenue for Brutus’ swing. Instead Brutus’ arms slammed into the Whisperer, knocking him to the ground. These three were all in the same paragraph, back to back. While you show mastery of this type of sentence structure, too much of a good thing can get a little old. I would suggest that you reread your story and use a highlighter to highlight all of the gerund phrases. Then look at revising some of them so that there is more of a sentence variety.




*Note3* First Impression Wow Factor: *Star**Star**Star*

*Thumbsup* Great sense of mystery and building of tension

*Check2* As noted earlier, make me care more about Joseph.



*Right* My Overall Rating: *Star**Star**Star**Star*


I enjoyed your creative story! Reviewers and Judges are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 7th of the month. The Judge will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!


Pepper
54
54
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Bryan,

This review comes with a disclaimer - the author is my husband! *Heart* So, honey, please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: On the surface, this story starts off... well, almost boring. I mean, the kid is asking his mother what they are having for dinner, and she tells him meatloaf. Doesn't get much duller than that. However the last line changes everything. I love a story that has a good twist, and you are a master at that. I laughed out loud! So, if meatloaf gets the job done, bring on the meatloaf!

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Plot - The twist at the end is hilarious! I laughed out loud, because these parents played Daryl like a fiddle. Every parent out there is going to love this one.

*Check* Characterization - Daryl's thought patterns accurately mirror those of a typical teenager. You perfectly capture his the voice.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* The last line... *Laugh*

*Check* "I mean it’s leftovers from a restaurant and nobody wanted it there." Yep, typical teenager.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Characterization - Though I quickly deduced who the Smiths were, you might want to consider referring to Todd by his last name. For example, call him Smitty... Give your reader no excuse for confusion.

*Check* Plot - One criticism you might face is why did the parents feel the need to go to such lengths? You may want to play with providing some explanation, but be careful or it will lose the humor that the twist provides.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Speaker tag - When separating a quote from a speaker's tag, use a comma unless it is a question or an exclamation. Example: "'... Café special.' Sheila replied." Should read "'...Cafe special,' Sheila replied.

*Check* Paragraphing - Move the sentence that reads, "Code for..." to the paragraph above it. Starting a new paragraph here may confuse the reader into thinking it is a new speaker.

*Check* Typo - "Moms says..." Should be "Mom says..."

BOTTOM LINE: *Laugh*

*Heart* LOVE YOU! *Heart*

Pepper


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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55
55
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear WJ Stams,

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: A creepy little story that gives us one more thing to be afraid of at Halloween! *Wink*

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Mood - Oh, great! Now, I have to be afraid of pumpkins!

*Check* Plot - For such a short piece, the story manages to contain all of the elements of a short story: setting, characters and rising tension along with a rather groteseque resolution.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* "He might be the crossing guard, bus driver or substitute teacher." Could be anybody...

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* In such a short story, I would try to avoid repeating a word, even if it is being done for emphasis. Rotting and rotten was used multiple times. Try - decompose, putrefy, stench, withered, etc.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Verb Tense - "They leaned against..." Should be lean.

BOTTOM LINE: Hmmm, maybe the start of a longer, darker story?

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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56
56
Review of Old Glory  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+
Dear Mara,

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: Ah, Mara, you made me cry again! This is a story of a young soldier who has just returned from war. His flashback and then his reflection on the meaning of independence provides for the reader a moving reminder of the sacrifices made for all of us. Nicely done.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Plot - The flashback was masterfully handled. I found myself being transported back in time along with Garrett, the main character. And the battle scene was so real. I can only image the horror of it.

*Check* Characterization - Garrett's pain is felt by the reader. When he begins to cry, the reader would have to be made of stone not to join him. Garrett takes the reader into a world that few of us have ever experienced - the true sacrifice that our men and women of the armed forces make everyday. For some, the scars are physical. For others, the scars are scars of the heart.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* "The blast...." Great imagery. I could see every detail.

*Check* "...his brothers emerged, rising from the smoke and rubble." Another great image.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Plot - At first, I wasn't clear that Richie's mother was sitting next to him. I thought it was his widow. Since, it wasn't until Garrett mentioned the eyes that I picked up on this reader's error, I would suggest moving that section to just after her introduction. Then there would be no confusion.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* "Cross town rivals since Pop Warner foot-ball, here, they were brothers." I really like the rhythm of this sentence, but something about the punctuation bothers me. Maybe try using a period after the foot-ball or maybe a dash? It's not a complete sentence, but...

*Check* "...the Technicolor..." No need to capitalize.

BOTTOM LINE: Another fantastic read.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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57
57
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear Sprinkle,

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: This is a short story about a rookie firefighter and the results of his first and only fire. The voice feels authentic, and there is a great deal of potential to build this story into an emotionally charged piece. However, a switch in point of view just does not allow the reader enough time to connect with the characters.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Plot - I loved this idea for a story line, and the use of time to advance the story is very effective. For what it's worth, I also thought that the terminology used seemed authentic. I am, however, no expert in that department.

*Check* Title - This is actually what intrigued me -- enough to want to read it.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* "...other firefighters started flowing into the stations like moths to a light." Nice use of a simile.

*Check* "...fingers stretching out though the smoke..." Liked this imagery.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Point of View/ Characterization - I never really felt emotionally involved in either of these characters. I suspect that this had a lot to do with the change in point of view. Changing point of view can be tricky, because it shifts the investment of the reader from one character to another. This can be done effectively in novels, but in short stories, this often does not give the reader enough time to become attached to any one character. I would suggest that this story go with just Dustin's point of view. Let the reader experience the height of his excitement and fear of his first call, and they may care more about the depth of his despair at the result. If you want to develop Rick more, simply do so through Dustin's eyes. Have him reflect on how much Rick has been mentoring him and how much Dustin admires him -- kind of a hero worship type of thing. Then, Dustin's feelings over the ending will mean more.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Multiple errors with word choice - I strongly suspect that you relied on spell check to catch your errors. The problem with that tactic is it can often steer you wrong. Here are just a few examples: 1. "...as it claimed up the wall..." (Should be climbed.) 2. "...supper heated... (Should be super heated.) 3. "...through on a t-shirt..." (Should be threw.) This story was simply filled with these types of errors. I would suggest that you reread the piece out loud. You may even try a trick where you reread the story backwards. You read the last sentence first and then move onto the next one. This forces you to isolate the sentences and not get so caught up in what the brain knows is suppose to be there. It's a tedious way to proofread, but it is effective.

*Check* Verbs - A couple subject/verb agreement errors and one commonly confused verb. "Rick got the hose lied out..." Use lay when referring to objects that you can place. People lie down, but we lay objects down. In this case, simply change lay to the past tense laid. Another point here -- avoid the word got. This sentence would run much smoother as "Rick laid out the hose..."

BOTTOM LINE: If you decide to rework this piece to flow from Dustin's point of view, please let me know. I would be happy to take a second look at it.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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58
58
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+
Mara McBain,

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: I have always judged a story by how hard I laugh or how hard I cry. Simply -- I sobbed. This is absolutely a powerful and gut-wrenching read. Bravo!

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Characterization - The depth of grief experienced by the mother is painfully clear. As a mother, myself, I found it gut-wrenchingly easy to put myself in her shoes. I found myself thinking, "But there by the Grace of God go I." To add to the mother's burden is her guilt -- whether deserved or not, is really quite beside the point. What mother hasn't looked away for just a moment? What mother wouldn't torment herself? Another harsh reality expressed by this character is the relationship with her husband. She is so consumed by guilt that she doesn't know how he can even stand to be around her. Though he never says a word, his actions portray a man who only wants to reach out to his wife. I found myself as a reader wandering if there would be any hope for them? Would she let him in or punish herself by withdrawing until no life was left in the marriage? Nicely done.

*Check* Plot - Too believable and too easily could be anyone.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* The interaction between the husband and narrator. No words are spoken yet so much is communicated to the reader.

*Check* "The pink-tinged waves...billowing the material of his trunks with their soft caress." I still can't figure out how something so horrific can be described so beautifully. Somehow it works.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* None - I wouldn't dare.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Comma errors with introductory phrases. Example "Tilting his head back I open..." Needs a comma after "back".

*Check* Comma errors with joining independent clauses. Example "The deadline is looming and..." Needs a comma before the and as a complete sentence follows.

BOTTOM LINE: I will definitely be by your port for another visit. Though I have to confess that the intensity of this story may need to fade just a little before I can handle another round. Any you recommend for a good cry or laugh?

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Peppermint


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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59
59
Review of War of the Nerds  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hello Bekkah! Thank you for entering this story in:

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest Open in new Window. (E)
A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~
#1557458 by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon


In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to the prompt, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest *Smile*]



*Note2* Characters: *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

*Thumbsup* Adrian is, by far, the star of this show. The time and details that went into developing her character pay rich dividends. As a reader, I went from disliking her, to feeling sympathy for her, and then feeling a great sadness for her. Rarely does a young writer, in my experience, have the patience to create such depth of character that is required for the reader to experience this shift in emotions. Bravo!

*Thumbsup* The narrator's feelings for Adrian fascinated me. His emotional ride mirrors, in many ways, the reader's. He is at first repulsed by her and then drawn to her by a force he cannot seem to resist. He too ends feeling only sadness for her but also a great appreciation for what she taught him about music. She changed his life forever and that comes through strong and clear.

*Check2* Only one minor character, Ms. Hanford, gave me, the reader, pause for concern. Please note -- I am a teacher so I will admit I probably have a bias here. I just was amazed that she allowed Adrian to do and say the things she did. In that regard, I wasn't quite sure that I found Ms. Hanford quite believable, even if I did understand that she was willing to coddle a musical genius. I would suggest inserting a couple lines, where Ms. Hanford at least warns Adrian that she is pushing the limits. A threat of a phone call home or a threat of not being allowed to play her instrument... Something to show Ms. Hanford has a backbone. Threatening to fail Adrian just seems kind of weak to me. Again, this might be just my own bias. Perhaps if other reviewers question the same thing...?



*Note5* Plot/Conflict/Pace: *Star**Star**Star**Star*

*Thumbsup* When I first began reading, I was concerned that I was going to be reading several pages of how a bunch of band kids hated the orchestra kids and vice-versa. Boy, was I wrong. That conflict really fades into the background as the central conflict between Adrian and the narrator takes shape. Then, the narrator finds himself battling an internal conflict to follow his heart or maintain the social status quo. Nicely done!

*Check2* The story line gets off to a somewhat slow start with the first two paragraphs seeming to provide all the background info. Though that might be necessary to the story's understanding, I think you could find a way to embed those points in the narrator's musings as the story progresses. As it stands now, the story does not have the needed hook to pull in the reader. I suggest that you consider starting the story with paragraph three where Adrian bursts into the room. She's your star. Use her to grab the reader's attention.

*Check2* Hmmm, your title though appropriate could be "jazzed up" (if you will pardon the pun) to reflect the story line just a little better. I would suggest - "War of the Bands". I think that might even hook a few more readers.



*Note1* Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: *Star**Star**Star*

*Thumbsup* I found very few errors in punctuating dialogue. Impressive.

*Check2* Verb tense - The story starts off in the past tense and then shifts to present tense. I would suggest keeping this story in the past tense, especially considering it ends several years in the future. The story could be told from the reflections of the narrator.

*Check2* Beware of comma splices -- the joining of two sentences with a comma. Use a semicolon instead.



*Note3* First Impression Wow Factor: *Star**Star**Star**Star*

*Thumbsup* I was absolutely wowed by the care taken to develop the character. Nicely done!

*Check2* Just needs a little bit quicker start to the story.



*Right* My Overall Rating: *Star**Star**Star**Star*


I enjoyed your creative story! Reviewers and Judges are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 7th of the month. The Judge will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!


Peppermint Patty
60
60
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Ozhan,

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: This story reminded me that not all meaning lies in words; a lesson we writers would do well to remember. For that reason, the ending will leave the reader with that ahhh feeling we get when just the right message has been delivered. Nicely done.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Setting - The descriptions were thorough and woven into the story. I could easily picture the building and the hodge-podge of apartments.

*Check* Characterization - Asif is portrayed as a man absorbed by his writing; I have a sneaking suspicion that many of us can relate to that. However, Asif also discovers that there are somethings for which there are no words. His obsession to find the words and his necessary acceptance that there are none is a believable journey.

FAVORITE LINES:

*Check* I enjoyed the opening description. Great imagery.

*Check* "Asif armed with paper and pen..." This whole scene illustrates Asif's obsession with finding the words to the song.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* None, which is a rarity for me. Bravo!

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Verb tense - The story starts off in present tense and switches to the past tense about half-way through the second paragraph.

*Check* Be careful of over-using lengthy sentences. Many writers have a style that they feel comfortable having mastered. You obviously do very well with constructing complex sentences. However, every once in a while, it is good idea to give the reader a breath. For examples reread paragraphs one and three. Each one of these has only two sentences. Paragraph two, on the other hand, has a very short sentence dropped into the middle, giving the reader a much needed pause.

*Check* Comma Splices - In just a few places, complete sentences are joined with a comma. Instead use a semicolon. Example: I am your neighbor, you see, I am a writer." Should be "...neighbor, you see; I am a writer."

BOTTOM LINE: I have a plaque that says, "God gave us music so that we might pray without words." Somehow seems to fit here.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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61
61
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Hyperiongate,

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: Okay, wait a minute! I have to catch my breath from laughing before I can write... Okay, I'm back now. Characterization of the male species definitely drives this story and you nail it. My only complaint is that this woman could just not buy the guys' reason for being there. Oh, I so hope you can resolve this issue. Regardless, it has been a while since I have laughed so heartily over a story. Bravo.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Characterization -- Charlie is absolutely priceless, sitting there counting ceiling tiles. And then the rest of the guys? They were doing exactly what any red-blooded male would do in that scenario -- create their own entertainment Oh yea! It works.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* Loved the opening.

*Check* "Every husband, save one, was intently looking forward, as if hanging on Martha's every word." Oh, I could just see all of the heads swish in mass to focus on Martha! Innocent -- every one of them! *Laugh*

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Setting - Once the word count limit is lifted (after the contest), I would suggest that you find a way to introduce the setting just a little earlier. I had to read it through twice with the quilting seminar in mind before I was able to get the full picture.

*Check* Plot - Okay, speaking as a member of the female species, I have never seen a quilting seminar that encouraged husbands to attend. In fact, no self-respecting wife wants her husband there. We know ultimately that men are going to whine and fuss and make it impossible for us to enjoy ourselves, not to mention limit our guilt-free spending. *Laugh* So, I am soooo sorry, but you really need to come up with a different reason for the husbands being there. Oh, I do hope you can because this is hilarious!

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* "What would hit the..." Needs a question mark at the end.

*Check* "The odds had change..." Needs to be "changed."

BOTTOM LINE: *Laugh**Laugh**Laugh* Enough Said.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Peppermint


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Dear Max Griffin,

I offer this review to you as one writer to another. Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: This was a fantastic story that takes the reader from feeling angry at the way Maggie and her son are treated to cheering them on when justice prevails. Definitely leaves the reader with a warm and fuzzy feeling.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Characterization -- You skillfully craft Maggie as the epitome of what a Christian mother should be. It is also through Maggie's eyes that the character foils are developed in the form of the "flawed" women of the church. Sadly, you accurately capture many of the people who inhabit our churches.

*Check* Point of View -- Normally, in a short story, I would not recommend shifting point of view to another character, but in this case it works. It allows the reader to see into the heart of the pastor and leaves no doubt about his somewhat questionable attitudes.

*Check* Theme -- Well done without being preachy (if you will pardon the pun *BigSmile*). You showed the readers and allowed them to draw their own conclusions. The story really brings home the hypocrisy that can be perpetuated in even the most devote of believers. I wonder though -- does that make them any less of a Christian or just a flawed Christian? I love that this piece does not answer this and leaves the reader the to "think" about such issues. A hallmark of a great story!

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* I adored the description of Bobby.

*Check* "She always called Maggie 'Miss Jones,' with an extra little flourish on the 'Miss." I almost flinched when I read this. You can just hear the judgmental tone of the sanctimonious Mrs. Knightly. This really made me dislike her! Nicely done.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check*Plot -- I hope I'm not too vague here, but I don't wish to give away the ending. While I would never wish to limit God, I was a little taken back by the ending -- it was a little too supernatural. I would make two suggestions. If you wish too keep the supernatural story line, have Bobby see it. He could be the only one, but this would play up the "faith of a child" angle and might make it a little easier for the reader to accept. My other suggestion is to have Pastor Dan truly see the expression on Bobby's face and realize just how shallow he had been. Not sure if you wanted to give Pastor Dan a chance at redemption though. I guess, because I personally believe that we are all flawed, I would have preferred to do so.

*Check* Characterization -- I wasn't sure why the women found Bobby's lisp to be "ominous." At no other point is there a hint that the women are afraid of Bobby. They seem only to be condescending. I would suggest that ominous be changed to something like "bothersome" or "irritating."

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Verb tense -- "...yarn he chose for his project." Should be "...he had chosen..."

*Check* Typo -- "Maggie reflected that her manner was was strange." Need to remove a "was."

BOTTOM LINE: Whether you change the ending or not, this is a fantastic read that sheds a light on an issue facing churches across the world.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Peppermint Patty


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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Review of Forward  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Dear Alex,

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: This story, I believe, accurately captures the horror that many students have felt when caught in the nightmare of a school shooting. The descriptions are thorough, and you do more show than tell. However, there are some believability issues and some grammatical errors that detract from the story. I think, if you fix these problems, you will have a very powerful story!

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Characterization -- Your ability to show what the narrator is seeing and feeling really help to pull the reader into the story.

*Check* Setting -- Your descriptions of the setting are thorough and help the reader easily visualize what is happening. I especially thought your descriptions of the blood bath were effective.

FAVORITE LINES:

*Check* "I could smell the fear, sweat, and blood in the air." Good, strong imagery that pulls the reader into the scene.

*Check* "Adrenalin rushed through my veins so that every heartbeat was painful." Effective way to show the character's fear.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Characterization -- The interchange on the intercom between Smith and the police officer is not believable. In this type of situation, police officers are trained to NOT antagonize the perpetrators. I would suggest that the tone of the police officer be changed to reflect the police's attempt to calm the situation and talk Smith into giving himself up.

*Check* Plot -- The use of a psychic element to foreshadow anything is extremely cliché. I would suggest removing that portion of the opening scene as it really doesn't do anything to advance the plot; if anything it slows it down. Let the reader come face to face with the gunmen without warning -- just like the characters in the story. Then, the reader will experience with those characters the same fear and horror.

*Check* Plot -- I am going to suggest that you remove the epilogue from the story for several reasons. 1. The last line in the scene prior to the epilogue would be a very strong finish and leave your reader just as satisfied. 2. The epilogue switches point of view. The story was told in first person, but switches to third in the epilogue. 3. There are several problems with believability. For example, three days later the boy is out of the hospital and walking around? They already know that he's going to get three to five years? If he's being charged, why is he not in custody? Why is he being charged? Like Susan, I didn't buy that. Eliminating the epilogue eliminates the questions that arise with it.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Multiple run-ons detract from readability.

*Check* Punctuating dialogue -- When a character says more than one sentence at a time, there is no need for quotation marks around each individual sentence. Quotation marks fall at the beginning and the end. Occasionally, quotation marks are needed within if a speaker tag is inserted. For additional help try this website -- http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/577/01/...

BOTTOM LINE: This was a great story with several redeeming qualities. Some revision should net you a story that packs a punch.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Peppermint Patty


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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64
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Review of Moving On  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This review requires a disclaimer -- the author is my husband *Wink* So, sweetie, please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! That's what we do anyway! *BigSmile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: I loved how this piece makes us re-examine our views of people living the "good life." It exposes what I call reverse snobbery. We see their money; we think they are exempt from life's pain. They aren't. In "Moving On" this is captured in a heartbreaking moment when two movers are confronted by the lady of the house. She calls them on their prejudicial and thoughtless comments - and rightfully so. What makes this a difficult read is that the movers are not really heartless, evil men. No, they are just your average guys. Relating to them is just a little too easy.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Setting - This is perhaps the most critical element of your story, and it definitely is handled with skill and finesse. I had no trouble picturing the scene you so aptly painted with words. Bravo.

*Check* Characterization -- The characters of Clew (still not sure about the name) and Stan are accurately captured as just two working "Joes". Their mannerisms, dialogue and attitudes reflect this well. I have to know - were you using my brother, Johnny, as a model? I swear it sounded just like him!

FAVORITE LINES:

*Check* "“You will. It’s called your paycheck." Definitely a come back I would expect from a working class guy like this.

*Check* "Her house was gone. Her world was gone." So poignant -- Definitely the point where the reader realizes that Kathy deserves sympathy and not the condemnation that Clew and Zane heap on her.

*Check* Okay, I admit it. I tear up every time I read Kathy's parting question. *Sad*

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Plot -- Just a thought -- One of the guys could mention the boy. Maybe call him a brat. That could be the comment that sends Kathy over the edge. That would intensify the sympathy for Kathy and drive home Zane and Clew's guilt. (I know I stole Court's idea.)

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Careful about over using the adverbs. I struggle with this too and know that it sometimes slows the reader down. Example: "She shook her head somberly." Since I don't think anyone would picture Kathy smiling anywhere in this story, I don't see this as a needed description.

*Check* Verb Tense -- There's a shift a couple times. Example: "...He remember that box..." Also, review the paragraph that starts "Kathy's face flushed..." In addition to the verb tense, Kathy starts referring to herself in third person.

*Check* "...a piece (of furniture) or two..." Parenthesis are acceptable in nonfiction to clarify something but not in fiction. If it needs clarified, do it.

BOTTOM LINE: Clear up the verb tense issues, and I think you've got a five star work on your hands! *Heart*

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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Review of First Period  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: A great peek into the mind of a teenager, but shifts in point of view and confusion with dialogue make reading difficult. Fix these issues and it will be a fantastic piece.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Characterization -- As a teacher, I can testify to the fact that you absolutely nail the teenage "punk" persona.

FAVORITE LINES:

*Check* "Snap. Neck shot. Punk *** never even turned his head." Yep, that's exactly what a teen boy would do and think.

*Check* The teen's description of the new teacher was solid. Just how did you get so thoroughly into the head of a teenage boy? *Wink*

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Point of View - The story starts off in third person, shifts to first person, and then back to third person at the end of the story. This is a serious error and will need to be corrected. I would suggest keeping it in first person throughout the story. You expertly capture the character while in first person so capitalize on that. If you need help with this topic, there are several good websites out there. Here is one -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Point_of_view_(literature) Just read the sections on first person and third person points of view.

*Check* I had trouble following the dialogue between the teacher and the student. Was it, in fact, a conversation or are we just hearing only the boy's side? I like that we only have the boy's view of everything. It's a unique way to approach a teenager. Unfortunately, this is just too confusing. Here are a few suggestions: 1. Perhaps starting a new paragraph with each sentence would help. 2.Add in an actual conversation with the teacher (this might detract from the feel of being in the teenager's head). 3. Maybe get rid of the quotation marks (though this would take away from the idea that these words are spoken aloud.)

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Authentic dialogue and internal thoughts make evaluating this piece for grammar a little difficult. However, let me say that I think you do a nice job of capturing the natural rhythm of a teenager.

BOTTOM LINE: I would be happy to review this piece again once the above issues are corrected. I am just amazed at how well you capture the teenager psyche. Love to see the finished story.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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Review of Fate Chapter 1  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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Hello Lexi! Thank you for entering this story in:

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest Open in new Window. (E)
A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~
#1557458 by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon


In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to the prompt, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest *Smile*]



*Note2* Characters: *Star**Star**Star*

*Thumbsup* The character's fear and horror are very clear to the reader.

*Thumbsup* The relationship between the mother and daughter really enhance this story.

*Check2* Mixing in some physical descriptions would help the reader "see" the character.

*Check2* I wanted to see more of the father. He's mentioned, and you tell us he uses several terms to show his hatred. However, more show and less tell would be more effective. For example: Maybe have a scene where the father's eyes are glaring at the mother with pure hatred. If this man is going to do what he does at the end, the reader has to believe that he hates that much. Telling just won't be enough.



*Note5* Plot/Conflict/Pace: *Star**Star*

*Thumbsup* There is a clear sense of rising tension as the narrator describes to the mother her approaching death.

*Check2* The father's actions just aren't believable until there is more "showing" of his character. If that can be built up, there will be real horror at the climax.

*Check2* When you choose to write about a topic like psychics, you have to be careful to provide the reader with a unique twist. Otherwise it just feels like the same story that's been retold many times. I think if you can make the father "come alive" to your reader you may do that with this story. As it stands now...



*Note1* Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: *Star**Star**Star*

*Thumbsup* The majority of your dialogue is punctuated correctly. Nicely done.

*Check2* I don't think the quotation marks around the names that the father has for them are necessary.



*Note3* First Impression Wow Factor: *Star**Star*

*Thumbsup* Gripping scene where the daughter tell the mother that she (the mother) will die.

*Check2* The story just doesn't have an original feel to it as it stands now. To fix this, try making the father's character more real.



*Right* My Overall Rating: *Star**Star**Star*


I enjoyed your creative story! Reviewers and Judges are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 7th of the month. The Judge will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!


Peppermint Patty
67
67
Review of The Calling  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: Oh, my, but this was creepy! Not only that, but I didn't see it coming. The story starts off so benign and then transforms into something malevolent. By the time I realized what was happening, it was too late; I was hooked. Bravo!

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Foreshadowing -- "With all the care of a mother protecting an infant..." Great foreshadowing is blended into the seams of the story, and many times it is only noticeable in hindsight. That is certainly true of this part. Then, there was the "...perfect spot for a blood bath." Another great foreshadowing example that makes the reader sit up and take notice of the story. The reader starts to think something might not be quite right. BRAVO!

*Check* Setting -- Detailed descriptions bring alive the setting without it feeling forced or fake.

*Check* Plot -- The rising action builds almost before the reader is aware of anything sinister, and the climax... Yikes! I won't give it away, but it left me shivering. Masterfully done!

*Check* Characterization -- In the beginning of the story, Ellen is portrayed as a level-headed woman, making it very easy to relate to her. I think that's what makes her transformation so creepy. I also loved how Ellen's lack of awareness parallels the readers. I so wanted to warn her when I figured it out what was happening. It's that feeling you get when you watch a movie and a character doesn't see the bad guy coming. You find yourself screaming for them to duck, but...

*Check* Onomatopoeia - I loved how the sound of the shovel gave way to the chant. Very natural feel.

FAVORITE LINES:

*Check* "...the deep reds and oranges of dusk had begun to play across the horizon." A painted picture.

*Check* "She was soaked, and covered in mud. The fingers of her left hand were bleeding as she clawed at the clay." Quite a contrast from the beginning of the story, yet somehow believable.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* None

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* "...starting to soak there way through..." -- there should be their.

*Check* Though technically correct, I did feel like the second paragraph did not flow as smoothly as the rest of the piece. If you have the same reaction, you might try playing with the wording or sentence structure.

BOTTOM LINE: Well done!

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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68
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Review of A Walk of Memoir  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: Normally, I would spend a great deal of time analyzing a piece. However, even after reading this three times, I simply can't. I'm just not sure that I understand the plot -- not something I easily admit. *Blush* However, in the interest of providing feedback, I thought I would give you what I did glean from the story. My confusion may be reader's error; in which case, you should just ignore me. *Wink* However, my confusion may reveal to you any holes that may exist within the work.

As far as I can tell, this is about a man who is out walking on a cold night. Is he delusional? Does he enter back into reality when he enters the house? Or is he just enjoying the moment to an almost existential point? I really didn't know what the "portrait" was either; I suspected it was the city outline. I did wonder if my confusion came from the extensive use of vocabulary. Sometimes that can convolute the story. As my husband says, sometimes a rose is just a rose. Some examples are --

*Check* "...a cherry crimson ripened on his visage." Translation: The cold turned his cheeks a rosy red.

*Check* " A light emanated an insipid aura of color upon a blackened earth." Translation: There was a weak light.

For the most part, I do firmly believe that a writer should use vocabulary that is natural to them. However, we also have to be careful not to try too hard, and that's how several of these phrases presented themselves.

FAVORITE LINES -- There were several descriptive phrases that did work.

*Check* "He invited the icy air into his lungs and relished the feeling,..."

*Check* "A welcomed numbness framed his ears."

BOTTOM LINE: I suspect when you find that happy medium between too much and not enough your writing will be absolutely amazing!



*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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Review of Sea Change  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: This is very much of an introspective piece, portraying a man who on the surface has everything yet is haunted by emptiness. However, at times, the introspection does becomes too much tell and not enough show.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Setting -- The setting is wonderfully described and uses language that is realistic to the sea. I could tell you have spent time on a boat. I also loved the use of the bird to symbolize how much the memories of Trudy haunt the character.

*Check* Characterization -- The internal conflict felt by the main character is clear, portraying a man who regrets the decisions he has made and the emptiness of many of his current choices.

FAVORITE LINES:

*Check* "His lungs drank in the cool salt air."

*Check* "...watching the moon on the black water, listening to the wash lapping the hull, the wind creaking like an unquiet ghost." I can just picture the main character sitting there contemplating the shallowness of his life.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Plot -- I think I would have liked to have seen more interaction between the main character and Miranda. Instead of telling the reader she is a "bimbo", show it. The main character seems to spend a lot of time thinking about how different his ex-wife was from Miranda and other such women. What if a scene between Miranda and the main character stimulated a flashback of the ex-wife? Then, the differences could be laid out in stark contrast, allowing the reader to draw his/her own conclusions.

*Check* Setting -- The opening mention of the city was a bit distracting for me. I would suggest keeping the focus on the sea. I think you could still manage to portray the pretentiousness the main character is feeling.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Verb Tense -- "Content just to sunbake behind her Raybans she takes it all for granted..." Should be "...she took..."

*Check* Capitalization -- A few that would suggest a need for further proofreading.

*Check* Punctuation -- "...of something inside her... her carefree nature?, her youth?." Avoid doubling up on punctuation marks. Try "inside her... her carefree nature? ...her youth?"

BOTTOM LINE: I would love to see a longer piece, because it would allow for additional scenes as mentioned above.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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Review of Best foot forward  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
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Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: This piece has the potential to become a real gem. The characterization of the father is realistic and the use of symbolism is moving without feeling too "literary" or cheesy. Unfortunately, multiple grammar errors mar the beauty of the work and make reading at times very difficult. Thankfully, that is something that can be corrected.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* The symbolism of the shoes was masterfully played. I loved the squeak, the feel of them and especially the title. There was such tension and a lack of respect for the father, yet the son seemed to recognize that following in his father's footsteps was the right thing to do. I even found myself wondering if the boy was destined to make the same mistakes? Very profound.

*Check* Excellent characterization of the father. Though he was domineering and uncouth, he seemed to want the best for his son. That leaves the reader wondering if he truly cares about his son or if it is a control issue? Nicely done.

FAVORITE LINES:

*Check* "But the foot that had moulded the inner sole was'nt mine and it was a constant reminder now as I walked to the bus stop." I loved the imagery and the thought that the boy had been molded to join the Navy.

*Check* "He sniffed slightly, "says here your a nonsmoker" he glared at me." As a nonsmoker who has lived with a chain smoker, I can assure you that you nailed this interchange.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* No real suggestions. If you wanted to make it longer, you could devote more time to the mother and her submissiveness. However, that might detract from the focus on the relationship of the father and son. You would have to play with it.

GRAMMAR:

*Check* Multiple run-on sentences make reading difficult. Example: "I've cleaned my old black shoes for you, he said, you cant go to that interview wearing sneakers it's not a good look."

*Check* Always capitalize the pronoun "I" -- even when used in the contraction "I'm". I found several of these errors and to me, fair or not, this shouts a lack of proofreading on the writer's part.

*Check* Review contraction rules: wasn't, you're, can't, etc.

BOTTOM LINE: There is real hope for this story. Some serious editing and revision should result in a fantastic piece.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown
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Review of 54 EXCUSES  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: First, let me state that I am reviewing this piece with little to no knowledge of the horse racing industry. That said, I thought the overall concept was very original and amusing -- if a little too drug out. The story frame does work very well, and Bob's character was probably the one that I could most easily picture. There were very few grammar errors and certainly nothing to detract from the overall story.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* The opening conversation between the narrator and Bob is very realistic and feels very comfortable. Bob's character seemed like one of the most interesting ones in the story.

*Check* I thought the weaving into the story of the excuses in bold print along with the number of the excuse was brilliant. Very original!

*Check* Good story framework.

FAVORITE LINES:

*Check* "...named the colt Dissun Terry..." Cute.

*Check* "...you’re supposed to say: ‘heck yeah, Foxy, slam dunk. Bet the farm and we’ll meet at D’Nato’s in the village for a victory dinner.’” Realistic dialogue.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Forgive my ignorance, but is 54 excuses a completely original idea or is it based on a joke common to the horse racing industry? I loved the idea, but thought that this drug out a little too long. If it is common to the horse racing industry, you will need to keep it as is, but if it is an original idea, I might suggest shortening this a bit. Kind of too much of a good thing.

*Check* As long as this is not based on a true story, it might be wise to reduce the number of co-owners. There were a few points where I had to reread to figure out who was talking. This is especially true when dealing with the complexity of quotation marks with a story told within the framework of another story.

GRAMMAR:

*Check* 9th paragraph - "Bob Fox has..." There is a verb tense switch from the past tense to the present. The next paragraph reverts back to the past.

*Check* "...along who blurted: ‘Are we gonna get diss’un...?’ I think there should be a comma instead of a colon. ...blurted, 'Are..."

*Check* Quotation marks are missing from "Charlie thoughtfully sipped..." Since the narrator is telling the story, these are still needed.

BOTTOM LINE: This was a neat, original story that demonstrates your creativity. Bravo!

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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72
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Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: This story has so much potential as you take the reader from the depths of your grief to the excitement of a new pet. I strongly suspect that all animal lovers will be able to connect with this story in some way. There are some paragraphing issues that hinder the readability of the piece. However, with some minor revisions, I think the story will really have a nice flow to it.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* The characterization of Rocky is wonderful. You take a dog that would not - by normal standards - be considered lovable and make him lovable. Your physical description of him and of his antics make it very easy to connect to your relationship with him.

*Check* The bits of humor dropped into the story help to shift the mood from one of sadness to one of excitement. Nicely done.

FAVORITE LINES:

*Check*""Get your belt on honey! I'm having a kid!" "You're pregnant?!" she screamed surprised. "No, I'm having a kitten!" "WHAT?!" she yelled." I laughed out loud over this part! I loved how your excitement shines through and gets in the way of your ability to communicate.

*Check* "My husband would have to push Rocky off and dive into bed before the darn dog would jump back up, or the process would start all over." This was so easy to connect to, because I think I might have your dog reincarnated. These kinds of realistic details help pull your reader into the story.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* In the scene where you walk into the different cat rooms, you shift into a tell instead of a show mode. I would have liked to have seen some more of the way you intertwine your heart with your interactions with the animals -- even if its a lack of feeling. Perhaps have you petting a cat of some sort and looking into his eyes and feeling nothing.

*Check* "...the kind folks at the shelter were surprised to see me so soon, but I think there was an unspoken understanding on where I was emotionally." How? Was there a relationship there - other than Annie? Were you a volunteer there? This was a little unclear and only slightly clarified when you explained that Annie was your friend.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Try breaking up the paragraphs. When paragraphs are too long, readers will sometimes give up.

*Check* Always start a new paragraph whenever there is a change in speakers. Example: The scene where you tell are talking to Officer Annie. Not doing this creates a great deal of confusion for the reader as he/she tries to sift through who is actually talking.

*Check* Per your request, I am not considering other grammatical points.

BOTTOM LINE: This was an emotionally touching piece that was easy to relate to. A few minor revisions should result in a truly great read. Bravo!

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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73
73
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: It is easy to see why this piece won a prize in the "Noticing Newbies Contest." I have never read a story that transitioned so beautifully from story format to poetry and then back again. It is done so masterfully that the reader may not even be aware of it.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* The description of the falling leaves is peaceful and serene! Nicely done.

*Check* The characterization of the narrator as someone who struggles with the demands of daily life is an easy one to connect to. As I sit writing this review, the phone has rang twice, my son has needed help in reaching a website, and my daughter has asked twice what is for dinner. *Smile*

FAVORITE LINES:

*Check* I loved the transition to the scene where the narrator is listening to the leaves. It becomes very poetic and pulls the reader into the scene.

*Check* "We’d both done average. We were going for the heavens now."

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* '“I am outside.” I grasp the words of a partial sentence, just under the swishing of the shutting patio door.' -- Though this is technically correct, I didn't catch the first time through that it was Michael speaking. If another reviewer finds this confusing, it may warrant revisiting.

*Check* I wonder what would happen to this piece if it was told in the past tense? Would it lose that "in the moment" feel that you so successfully create with the falling leaves scene? I only ask this because I find (I think this is my own hang-up *Wink*) that stories written in the present tense tend to have flow problems. Though overall I think you managed to avoid this pitfall, there were a few points where I stumbled in reading.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* “Sit,” it whispers, “Get..." -- I think it should be a period after "whispers"

*Check* "...remind me, vacuum today..." Perhaps a dash would work here or even put vacuum today in italics.

BOTTOM LINE: A very romantic moment in time! Thanks for sharing it with your readers.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown
74
74
Review of William Tell-ish  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: I loved this piece! Despite the limited word count, you developed your characters and managed to include a plot that rose to a natural climax. However, what really made this such a great read was the sense of humor that you interjected. I think I'm still smiling at your ending.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Characterization -- As someone who works with teenagers, I can testify to the fact that you nailed your characterization, including both the bully and the bullied.

*Check* Though I do not personally use profanity, I thought you handled this aspect well. It was not there for shock value (which is what I can't stand), but was a realistic addition to the story. I would have been shocked IF a few of the boys had NOT let slip any expletives. Nicely done.

*Check* The ending was priceless. Though you crammed a lot of things into just one sentence, it didn't feel hurried. Instead, it was funny.

*Check* The title was classic!

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* "...fifteen-year-old pimple machines." Loved this metaphor.

*Check* "As for the apple, it had dropped four inches before being nailed to the tree by a number two Ticonderoga."

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* I know this piece had a limitation on word count, but if you decide to expand it, I would love to see a description of the bow. I had a hard time picturing it.

GRAMMAR:

*Check* A few minor comma errors, but nothing to detract from the overall story.

*Check* “thunk.” -- I don't think you need the quotation marks here.


BOTTOM LINE: A great piece that captures the essence and "stupidity" of teenage boys! Bravo!

WRITE ON!


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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75
75
Review of Soul Mates  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: This piece, reminiscent of the movie Beautiful Minds, has the elements of a variety of genres: romance, horror, science fiction... When I finished, I wasn't sure what to call it. An intermingling of the elements occur as the love story weaves throughout the piece. Horror is introduced with the appearance of Sarah's ghost, or was it only a figment of Patrick's mind? *Wink* Finally, Patrick's career as a brilliant scientist provides the elements common to science fiction. Though I found the prologue to be confusing and unnecessary, I thought the remaining transitions between the sections were handled well and enable the marriage between these genres to be believable.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* The opening love story with Patrick and Sarah took away my breath. I could truly feel his grief.

*Check* I loved the combining of genre elements.

*Check* The character of Dr. Ellison, though he has a brief appearance, was well-developed.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* "The calendar rolodexed through time...." Great image!

*Check* I loved the scene where Patrick has a glimpse of what he has become. This was my reader's "Ah, ha!" moment. I realized that Patrick's fantasy world was complete. Up until that point, I was wondering why someone didn't do something for him? He was obviously ill, and that didn't make sense. I also thought it was telling that Sarah was not present at that point. She was obviously what anchored him in his fantasy world.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* I believe Mrs. Mary Bergman's diagnosis is incorrect. If I am remembering correctly from my undergrad studies as a psych major, schizophrenia actually means a disconnect from reality. Multiple personalities is something else entirely. However, my psych days were a long time ago, so please do double check this point.

*Check* I was bothered by the capitalization of the pronouns she and her. I thought at first, you were doing it for emphasis, but then you continued, and I just found it distracting. Admittedly, this may be because I am a die-hard grammatical nut... *Wink*

*Check* I didn't feel like the prologue added anything to the story. In fact, it confused me until I realized that's what it was.

*Check* At the risk of giving away the ending, I thought it would have been a much more poignant story if Patrick had died of natural causes.

GRAMMAR:

*Check* "Flames peaked...." Should be peeked.

*Check* Recheck your use of semicolons. They should be used to separate two independent clauses (sentences) or items in a series which contain commas as a part of the series. Try using a dash or a colon instead. Example: "...it had been a home - their home."

*Check* I don't think you need the quotes around the taps at the beginning of your story.

BOTTOM LINE: I loved the fact that this piece combined so many of the genres that I love. With a few minor revisions, it will be a truly great short story!

WRITE ON! *Smile*


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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