Ello Prof Moriarty! I saw your review request and figured I would try to help as best I could.
My Initial impressions of "The Shell Necklace" This was such a beautiful story! It was long, but that really gave you time to develop the characters and scenery. This was rich with culture, educational, and a touching tale of love and longing that touches the heart. I have to admit, the ending was something I did not expect but I thought it a bittersweet and perfect choice!
Something else I found unique was the mystery woven into the plot. With the money owed and the husband missing for most of the tale, one was never really sure what Abena, or her family, was up to! I enjoyed all the twists and turns you took me on with this tale and it was fun to read!
The characters: Wonderful job here. I really have no suggestions. Neil was fully developed as an avid buisiness man who enjoys the fruits of his labors. I found him easy to relate to, and despite his wealth and power, a likeable man. He treats his employees well and his modest upbringing perhaps kept him grounded. He shuns the use of formal titles and even through it is a risk, he shows compassion in giving credits to less fortunate people. (At least in one instance.) I have to say, too, that though it was difficult, I truly respect his decision in the end. It proved him to be a man of strong moral standing and it was a completely selfless act.
Abena was, perhaps, the most fascinating. I ran a gambit of questions with her as the story unfolded. I wanted to know what her motives were, what the mysterious and sensaul woman was thinking. I confess to thinking at times that her husband had died, that she had poisoned Rosa...you name it! Abena was very soft-spoken and gentle mannered, and gave off the impression of being well-educated (which we find out happens to be the case) Despite the mystery and questions, much like Neil, I couldn't help but develop a soft spot for her.
I loved that the female lead in this story was strong and intelligent, fully capable of holding her own. That's refreshing to read!
Setting/Plot: The plot moves at an even pace. It's not rused, nor does it take forever to unfold. Perfect pacing. There was romance and longing, yes, but it is also infused with tension and mystery....lots of mystery. I think you cover quite a few genres with this one! No suggestions here.
The story takes place in Africa and you give plenty of rich, cultural details that immerse the reader in the setting. I could see the dusty roads, smell the fragrant fruits, see the people and the farm lands...every base was covered here. The only thing I was left feeling curious about was what the inside of Neils house looked like, since much of the story takes place there. Most people may not wonder, but I found myself curious as to what his kitchen looked like, the countertops, the appliances...though I imagined them lush!
Style & Voice: At times, especially in the beginning, some of the wording was over my head and I have a fairly extensive vocabulary. I couldn't help but wonder if simpler words couldn't have been selected to gain a broader base. Romance is a popular genre with readers of all ages and backgrounds and I worry some of the younger (or even normal) readers will be thrown off by the wording when he discusses his buisness and childhood backgrounds. Just a thought.
Other than that, this had a very clean and easy to read style. Plenty of details are given without bogging the pace down and the prose isn't flowery or purple. There are quite a few lines, especially as the story winds down that I thought to be pure gems! It's a pleasure to read this story and become enveloped in its folds!
Favorite Part: There were quite a few things that popped out at me here. One was the dark humor in Neil delighting in Rosa still being too ill to return to work. He knew it was wrong, we knew it was wrong, yet we couldn't help but laugh because the reader understood his reasons. I really liked that touch of human nature, however flawed!
I loved not knowing what Abena was up to, and how you dropped subtle hints that raised those doubts.
Your ending...my God. That was beautifully worded. Truly lovely prose there in those last paragraphs.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Are you off your mind?
Maybe this is a common term elsewhere, but I've usually heard this phrased as "Are you off your rocker?" or "Are you out of your mind?" Off your mind kinda sounded strange to me.
from the cloudless, late- September sky
I don't think there should be a space between hypenated words.
late-September
I wished my parents would see me now.
I've always heard this as 'could see me now.'
Never again shall I heed to my heart,
Heed meant to pay attention to, so heed to is kind of redundant here.
heed my heart
Her elaborate, hairdo captivated me.
The comma causes an awkward pause here.
Her elaborate hairdo
A nonplussed Robert didn't ask any question,
questions
“You see, Robert, I want to watch the cocoa trucks enter when the enter our premises.”
I think you meant enter when they enter our premises."
The scene transition to where Neil is asking Robert if he met with her was really confusing. I had no idea who he was talking about or why. Nor do I really understand why Robert would be the one tracking her down. Perhaps make some mention of Rosa not showing up for a few days and Neil being concerned but too busy to visit her home before this conversation takes place? It would make the transition smoother.
Thank God, Abena will be there from tomorrow.
from tomorrow sounds awkward
will be there tomorrow.
head and the shell necklace looked like an expensive jewellery around
Here, I would suggest a little rewording. It feels like a word is missing. Also, jewelry is misspelled according to spell check here.
an expensive piece of jewelery OR like expensive jewelry
that when they did their household chores or carried firewood from the forests, but had never seen Abena dress so informally .
informally. An extra space crept in on you there.
Accustomed only to her reserved nature, her overwhelming femininity and expressive eyes, bewildered me
I don't think the comma after eyes is needed, as it creates a confusing stop.
“I thought you would come from tomorrow.”
This is hard to understand. How can one come from tomorrow?
start tomorrow or come tomorrow
It meant that she no longer hawked fruits and vegetables outside my office because she would be at my house. Secretly, I took great pride that she spent so much time in my house, cooking for me and taking care of my house.
You use home a lot in these few sentences and it becomes repetitive. Perhaps take one or two out. Th reader will still understand, but it will give you smoother flow.
spent so much time there, cooking for me and caring for my things.
Some evenings, I would get really late in going home.
Wordy, maybe consider trimming.
Some evenings, I would return home late.
Accompanied with my Procurement Officer Dino and my driver Joseph,
Names should be set off with commas.
Procurement Officer, Dino, and my driver, Joseph,
“Hello, sir. Hi, Dino. Hi, Joseph.” He shook our hands. I observed
Missing the period after observed.
“When did you come?” asked Abena
Missing the period after Abena.
I observed George gaze at her with affection , and
There should be no space between affection and the comma here.
I motioned toward a photo on the shelf which showed a young Abena holding books pose with an old white man.
Slightly awkward.
holding books and posed with
“Neil, why don’t you go ahead. You will have a good idea about cocoa. Meanwhile, I will go around and meet the other farmers,”
suggested Dino.
suggested Dino somehow ended up on a different line here.
“Why did you lie to me about where you live.”
This is a question and should have a question mark
She raised her face, and to my utter amazement, I saw tears cascading down her
face.
Your words ended up being on seperate lines again here. Gotta love those copy and paste issues that pop up every now and then!
I only hope she knows that her love and the shell necklace would, forever, be my most cherished possessions.
The verb tenses here read awkward to me, though I confess, it could just be me. I think it would read smoother as:
I only hope she knows that her love and the shell necklace will, forever, be my most cherished possessions.
((By the way, what a beautiful line!))
Parting Thoughts: I hope that I have been some help here. Overall, this was a wonderful read that many people would enjoy. The characters are solid, your setting wonderful, and your plot touching. It's an ending full of bittersweet promise, and one your readers won't soon forget. Thank you for sharing.
~Best wishes and happy writing!~
Adriana
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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