Ello Kid Stardust !
Times are so rough and I think this story is one a lot of people can relate to. It reminds me of when I first moved out on my own, scraping every penny together for food or rent, hoping and praying it would be enough to get by. It was a place I never wanted to return to, yet, *laughs* thanks to the economy, here I am again.
There are some very touching moments in this story. The girlfriend crying herself to sleep in his arms, her hocking her jewelry just to make the bills. All very emotional moments. It's the gift of sacrifice and putting others before yourself that truly testifies to a person's love and caliber as a person.
I really liked how they sat together, talking about their hopes and dreams, the lottery ticket enough to ease their troubles for that moment and allow them an escape. It's a common practice in my house too.
This story has a very strong tone. It's gritty, realistic and tinged with equal parts of despair and optimism. Nice job!
My Favorite Part:
I think the last line has a particular note of poignancy. We all wonder if/when things will get better and why some people are so much more fortunate than others.
Suggestions for Improvement:
I think a few more details added throughout would go a long way. What did things feel like, smell like, look like? Playing a little more on each of the five senses would add some depth and allow your readers to feel a greater part of the story. That said, this is one of your best stories.
~Niether of us catch a break, she tries I sit and think.
This is 2 seperate sentences. Also, you should have a comma between tries and I.
break. She tries, I....
~At times like these I just know things
At times like these, I
~We talk it flows easy
Two seperate sentences again.
We talk; it
~As people drive through town living "our" life of conversations and dreams. I know they exist yet I know none of them.
I think if you broke this fragment down with commas, it would have a better flow.
dreams, I know they exist, yet I know none of them.
~We wander down the long hallway to bed, I hold
Comma splice. We've talked about those,so I won't reiterate what it is.
bed; I
~it's to hot for september.
too hot...September
~ when I make it back in the room she is
When I make it back in the room, she
~This time this day it actually
Since this day is a reapeat and the sentence would still make sense without it, it should be set off with commas.
This time, this day, it
~some pitiul guy
Did you mean pitiful?
~All the while "they" ,those
Punctuation should be inside the quotes.
"they," those
Please remember that I am no expert. These are merely my humble opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or discard them as you wish!
Closing thoughts: I really liked this story of hard luck and hard times. It was nice to see things look up at the end and get that feeling of optimistic hope we all cling to! It's a story any one of us can relate to on a personal level. Nice work!
Best wishes always,
Adriana
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