Choconut's (purplesunday) Reviews

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Choconut

Review Requests: OFF

2,186 Public Reviews Given

2,205 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.

I'm good at...

I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.

Favorite Genres

Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.

Least Favorite Genres

Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.

Favorite Item Types

Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.

Least Favorite Item Types

Chapters from the middle of books.

Public Reviews

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601

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#4246960

Review of Crashed Witches

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi BIG BAD WOLF is Merry

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for BIG BAD WOLF is Merry

First thoughts: I love your title. That's what drew me to this story. I was intrigued. As I first read through, I thought it was funny and clever, but with a serious message. It's kind of a lesson in not driving drunk, but told from a witch's perspective.

Plot/Story: Eliza is a witch who likes to have a good time We learn she has bedded many men, and women, too. She is a messenger witch. She is just about the best there is, making deliveries in record times. One night, she is in the company of an earl, who supplies her with brandy. But then, she receives a call for an important delivery of some medicine, that cannot wait. She makes the delivery, but on the way back crashes into a tree, and dies. I really like the parallels with drink driving. I think this is a great tale to educate kids of the dangers. It's fun, it has a lot of humour, and it's an interesting story, to boot.

Characterisation: I love Eliza. She sounds like a riot! She is fond of men and sex, and in visiting the earl, she hopes to get both. But duty comes first, and she leaves to deliver the package. Unfortunately, she would have been better off staying with the earl.

What I would love to know is who the narrator is. He is telling the story, as though he is a part of this world, as though he knows Eliza. I'm intrigued by him. I would like to know more.

What I Liked: I love that everyone drinks beer. Nothing but beer, as the water can't be trusted. I don't know why that amused me, but it did. I love the story here, as well. It's really interesting, and it had me gripped to the end. I wanted to know what had happened to Eliza. I didn't think she would be dead. But it makes sense that she would be.

Suggestions: "About the only good thing about it was that it wet your throat." Two "abouts" stand out, and jolt the reader out of the story momentarily. I would take out the first one. Also, when you say Eliza was "invited to this Earl's palace," I wouldn't say this. It's a little too conversational. I would say, "an."

Parting Comments: I really enjoyed reading this cautionary tale. I think it's clever, original, and has a great message at the heart of it.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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602

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#4246945

Review of The Monkey Affair

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi Anshruta

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Anshruta

First thoughts: I chose to review this short story because your title and brief introduction are enticing. As I first read through, I loved the originality of your story. It's unlike any I've read before.

Plot/Story: Elisha has a lifelong strawberry addiction. When a monkey steals her strawberries on her way home from work, she goes a little crazy. Desperate for revenge, but also being scared of the monkey. In the end, she is turned into the monkey. I get the feeling this is meant to represent something else, but I'm afraid I don't get it.

Characterisation: Elisha is paranoid, maybe delusional. She doesn't like to share. She's having an affair. Maybe this episode is something to do with her guilt over that. I'm not sure.

What I Liked: I loved the humour. Your ending is brilliant. When you say there was a "monkey sitting right in front of the window of their bedroom, with fat tears in her eyes and a consistently sizable, grey mole on her cheek," that's brilliant. I was not expecting that. I loved the suspense, everyone wondering what happened to Elisha, then we learn she is a monkey. Brilliant ending!

Suggestions: My main suggestion is to cut all the adverbs. Seriously, all of them. In creative writing, it's much better to find the right verb, a strong verb, rather than a weak verb, plus an adverb that tries to make it better. Does that make sense? It's off-putting when we read a piece that is full of adverbs. Especially, as they don't always make sense. For example, you describe the mole on Elisha's face as being an "uncanny grey." Whilst, technically, that may work, in a piece of creative writing, not so much. Also, in the same vein, when Elisha's husband asks her if she received the strawberry package, you write, "'No, I didn't.', said Elisha ironically." Why ironically? This is another adverb that shouldn't be there.

This line didn't make a lot of sense: "The world had become a voice proof bore, and her solitary mission was to kill it, . . . " A "voice proof bore" doesn't make sense. Also, her mission was to kill what? The way you've written it, she was going to kill the world.

Parting Comments: This is an interesting story, and I liked it. It's unique, and it's fun. I'm sure there is something I'm missing, though. Some hidden meaning. I apologise if there is, and I've missed it. It is an enjoyable read.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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603

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#4246937

Review of My Ghost has Left Me

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi jclare

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for jclare

First thoughts: I decided to review this short story because I was interested by your brief description. I can't resist a good ghost story. As I first read through, I thought this was interesting.

Plot/Story: A ghost drops in to Mrs. Goose's house (is that her real name?). I don't think he's completely aware that he's dead, as he asks for alcohol, and she supplies him with lots of wine. After the alcohol, he asks if he can crash in her back room.

I have to admit, I'm not really sure about all the details of the story. The rhyme that you include: What is that? I don't understand. Who says it? Also, who is Gregg? Is he another ghost, or the lady's husband? Who's Dylan, also? I got very confused, I'm afraid. The first part of the plot was fine. But it started to get complicated when Steve started to drink.

Characterisation: Mrs. Goose is not at all afraid of ghosts. She is kind, and doesn't want to point out to Steve that he is not alive. She is happy for him to crash out back. So she has a kind heart. Steve seems like a cool kind of guy. I would love to have learned more about him, to get a better picture of his past life (and death). More of a picture of what he looks like, as well.

What I Liked: The story. I love the idea of a ghost who doesn't know he is dead, and asks to stay at someone's house, after too many alcoholic drinks. That has such great potential for a longer story.

Suggestions: Make sure you capitalise when people start to speak. There should be no exceptions to this rule. Also, "who had no room for feral ghost." You missed out "a" before "feral." Another typo: "and he swallowed it n one sip." It should be "in".

In general, I would like the story to be a little clearer. Also, I would just say read your work, and really check for grammatical issues, like capitalisation.

Parting Comments: This is an interesting premise for a story. As it is, I didn't really feel there was a lot of story here. But it does have great potential, if you ever decided to build on it.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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604

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#4246929

Review of Mulligans and Mix-ups

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)

Hi Fivesixer

This is a House Stark Birthday review for "Game of Thrones"

for Fivesixer

First Thoughts: On my first read through, I don't think I absorbed everything properly. This poem seems very deep and thoughtful. I mean, most of your poems are, but this one really struck me. I love your opening lines: "It's the admonishment in the advice/that sends the negative message." That's so true. It's the way the people dispensing the advice have that twinkle in the eye, that "I know better than you" superiority. That's what pisses you off. Because they're loving it. I totally get that.

Poetic Tool Box

Voice/Tone: The voice is yours. It's that simple. As always, I can hear you saying these words. This poem does seem particularly personal. But I'm sure I might have said that about your last five poems I read! I think you convey your annoyance at the inequality here. I'm not sure who the inequality is referring to, though. But I do love when you ask why it's not the same for other people, as it is for you. I get the impression you just want to be left alone to live your own life in your own way, without people coming along and complicating things.

Rhythm and Rhyme: There are some rhymes in this poem, but there's no set rhyme scheme. But it has a natural rhythm that means you don't need any structure to follow. It sounds as though you are speaking out

Mechanics: Free verse. As always, I really like this form.

Favourite Lines These lines I can absolutely relate to: "Don't dictate for me/why I should be happy.../it doesn't work that way." I love these lines. It's like you're telling the rest of the world to get lost and leave you to whatever life, whatever state of happiness, whatever life choices you want.

Suggestions Personally, I would like to dig a little deeper, and know who your words are aimed at, who isn't being treated equally. But, that's not necessarily a point for improving the poem. That's more about how the poem made me feel.

Parting Comments A really in interesting poem. I am intrigued, and I'm just enjoying reading more and more of your writing. Great job!

Lady Purple, House Stark

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605

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#4246928

Review of I'm Not Hometown Anymore

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Fivesixer

This is a House Stark Birthday review for "Game of Thrones"

for Fivesixer

First Thoughts: Okay, I admit it. I am officially a fan. The more I read your poetry, the more I love it. As for this poem, any poem that begins with, "Maybe I'm being wistful;" is going to hook me straight away. I can totally relate to this poem. The small town values thing. I was brought up in a village of around 3,000 residents. My Dad's family had lived there since the 1500s (I traced my family tree). So I understand small town. The gossipy people, who love nothing better than to tell you what everybody has for breakfast. But it does instil certain values in you. The small stuff does matter.

Poetic Tool Box

Voice/Tone: As always, this poem sounds incredibly personal. You give so much of yourself when you write, it's like you lay yourself out for everyone to see. Or, maybe it's your way of dealing with life and the stuff that's inside your head. I don't know. But, anyway. I'm not here to psychoanalyse!

Rhythm and Rhyme: When I read your poetry, I know I said it's like you're nearby talking, but also I get a visual of this long string of words coming out of your mouth. Except, it's not you, it's a cartoon drawing. But, I see this long flow of words, because that's how your poems sound (in a good way!) when I read them. No set rhyme scheme, but rhyme scattered throughout, and this works really nicely.

Favourite Lines "I wasn't made to handle these times./I was small-town, home-grown,/duties first question later." Again, I feel a little vulnerability here, a little fragility. I think that's why these lines stood out to me. I also love the part where you rail against conformity, and the plastic population. These lines capture it brilliantly: " try to stick the mainstream/down their hollow throats."

Parting Comments Another really good poem. Every time I read a poem of yours, there is no doubt in my mind who has written it (and I don't mean because your name is at the top). What I mean is, your style is unique. It's really identifiable, and I really like it.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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606

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#4246641

Review of Unexpected Hunger

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi Gaby

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Gaby

First thoughts: I was intrigued by your brief description. A part of me was expecting something vampire-ish to happen. But I'm glad it didn't. What I found as I first read through was a cute, romantic story. I really liked it.

Plot/Story: This is the story of a guy hooking up with his mate's sister. They clearly fancy each other, from before Erik arrives. But when he does, there is so much sexual tension between them. As Katherine goes to make snacks in the kitchen, Erik goes to see what's taking her so long. They are unable to control themselves, and do it right there, on the counter (I really hope they disinfected it afterwards!). I kept expecting Katherine's brother to walk in on them. I'm sure he must have heard what was happening. I half expected some fight scene between him and Simon. I love how Erik asks Katherine out after they have had sex. I'm glad she says yes.

Characterisation: Erik and Katherine. We don't go very deep into either of their psyches, but then, it's only a very short story. We see Katherine speaking to her friend on the phone earlier, and hinting that she may like Erik. Similarly, when Erik arrives, Simon teases him that he may like Katherine. So their relationship was inevitable, really. I think they make a cute couple because they're both a little shy, and nervous.

What I Liked: The happy ending. I've read a lot of stories over the course of G.o.T., most of them with terrible tragedies at their end. But this story is positive and happy. I really like that. Boy gets girl. They live happily ever after.

Suggestions: Although this is a short story, I would have loved to have seen a little more of their background. A little more of their characters, and what they have been doing in life up until this point. I appreciate you would need to make it longer to do that, but I think it could be interesting.

Parting Comments: This is a lovely, little story. It's positive and sweet, and has left me feeling happy.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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607

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#4246561

Review of My Uncle John

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi abcoachnz-Sometimes around

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for abcoachnz-Sometimes around

of House Greyjoy.

First thoughts: My first thoughts are: I wonder if this is a true story? I'm intrigued because you say it is how you imagine John's end would have been. But, whether or not it's true, it's such a tragic love story, and I really enjoyed reading it.

Plot/Story: The love of John's life, Karen, has died two months ago. Her boat capsized and she drowned, although, her body was never found. Now, John has received a text message on his phone saying, "I'm hre. Come 6pm 2nite." He knows it is from Karen, and goes to the ocean to meet her. When he sees her face, he walks out until he is covered by the water, and once again the lovers are united. That's so sad. I was hoping Karen wouldn't be dead, and there would be a happy ending. The story leaves me curious about the text message. Who is it from? Did John imagine it? Was it a message from the other side? It's intriguing.

Characterisation: John is a tragic character. He is grieving for the love of his life, and vulnerable. I want to protect him, but I don't think that's what he would want. I think he was ready to walk out to the ocean to meet Karen that night.

What I Liked: I love the description of Karen's "honey clouded eyes". It pops up a couple of times, and it really stands out. Also, although I wanted a happy ending, I think the ending you chose was perfect. It fitted with the rest of the story.

Parting Comments: This is a lovely story, written with great tenderness. There is a certain amount of mystery, which is great. Also, a lot of love and tragedy. It's a really great story!

Lady Purple, House Stark

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608

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#4246503

Review of Stress & Consequences

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi An apple a day....

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for An apple a day....

First thoughts: Today, we get to choose which people we review from our list, so I've chosen to review this short story of yours. My first thought, as I read through, was how sad this story is. The ending was definitely unexpected. I thought Marjorie would have a heart attack. Maybe she did. It's a really moving story.

Plot/Story: Marjorie is elderly, and not in the best of health. Her daughter, Nancy, is having her third round of chemo, and not doing so well. When Marjorie gets a letter from her son-in-law, she knows it's not going to be good news. So she plugs in the electric teapot, and its down to read. The news isn't good. The next scene we see is the fire crew who were called out to Nancy's house. They reflect on how sad it is, that the old lady probably plugged in the electric teapot, and forgot about it. That's just so sad. I wanted Marjorie to be able to see her daughter one more time. That said, it is a clever ending, because it's completely unexpected. There were hints that Marjorie may die, but of a heart attack, not fire. I wonder whether the news was too much for her heart, and that's what killed her, then the house caught on fire.

What I love about this story is how invested I was in it, despite its short length. I could picture Marjorie, all alone, getting the letter, and my heart went out to her. You did a really great job here.

Characterisation: Marjorie is wonderful. The reader has so much compassion for her. She's not well, she's living on her own, and her daughter is dying. I can only imagine how much she would have wanted to be with her. How much she would have wanted to take all her daughter's pain away. It's really moving.

What I Liked: The tenderness with which you wrote Marjorie's character. Also love the twist at the end, where we find that the consequence of stress, in this instance, is house fire. At least Marjorie isn't suffering, or worrying about her daughter, any more.

Parting Comments: I really enjoyed this short story. It's well written, and shows great compassion and tenderness for your character. It's a lovely story.

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

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609

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#4246497

Review of Why?

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Angus

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Angus

First thoughts: Today, I get to choose which warriors to review, from our warrior list. So, tag, you're it! I thought it would be cool to read a piece of flash from you. I was not disappointed. As I first read through, I found myself smiling and chuckling, and really engrossed in the story.

Plot/Story: A couple have stolen a skull from a gravesite. Now, men from the tribe to which the skull belonged, are out to get it back, and exact revenge on the thief. Okay. Why did Paul steal the skull? Was it from an actual graveyard? Or just something he came across? Is he crazy? Everyone knows you never unearth graves. Especially skulls. It's asking for trouble. By the time Paul gives them back their skull, it's too late. The story ends with Paul's head on a stake, and his wife being a prisoner (I assume) whilst the tribe members dance around her. I love how Paul's head is on a stake at the end. That made me laugh.

Characterisation: Paul is arrogant. He thinks he can take whatever he wants, that he has a right to it. His wife, Ellen, understands more than him. I can imagine how annoyed she must feel at him. I love how she says, "Why, Paul? Why did you take it?" I understand that irritation, the thought of "He never listens."

What I Liked: Paul's head on a stake! That really appeals to me. I also love how the skull's eyes turn to rainbow colours, and they all focus on Paul. You say they, "they blended together into one dark oily blackness." Very menacing.

Parting Comments: This is a great piece of flash fiction. I'm impressed with how much you managed to fit in. The story of the greedy man, who had to take that which did not belong to him, is brilliant. I really enjoyed it. It's a great job!

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

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610

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#4246494

Review of A Man of the Cloth

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Bikerider

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Bikerider

First thoughts: I chose to review this story because the title intrigued me. Also, it's in the 'detective' genre, which is always a bonus! As I first read through, I remembered how much I love your writing. Your style is warm and easy to read. It's easy to get lost inside.

Plot/Story: Two cops are working a double homicide. A year into the investigation, and there has been no break in the case. I love your introduction, saying how the one cop used the most vulgar language ever. If I'm honest, I got a little confused. You say that when the case finally broke, you learned something about this other cop that surprised you more than anyone you have ever known. Then you say, "His name was Brad Paisley." I thought, at first, this was the surprising fact. That he was named like the country singer. Then, when I got to the end, I thought maybe the cop was the murderer. I like to be left wondering at the end of a story, but I was just a little too confused here. It may just be me, and I apologise if that's the case.

It's also really funny how the profanity-filled cop chooses to become a minister. That made me laugh. So, did he do this because of his guilt? Was he trying to hide? Or have I completely misread this? It's intriguing.

Characterisation: I love your characterisation of Brad. How he chain smokes and uses the most profane language. When the old couple move to another booth because of him, he seems totally oblivious. I also love how the other character, who narrates the story, is embarrassed by this guy. I love the way he keeps sweeping his ash into the ashtray. They are both really interesting characters.

What I Liked: I actually think the relationship between the two cops is brilliant. They seem to be polar opposites, but often that's what works really well. I also love the surprise at Brad saying he is joining the seminary. That's funny.

Suggestions: One typo: "Brad was what is known as a cops, cop." Should be "cop's cop." My only suggestion is to make it a little clearer just what that break in the investigation was. If Brad was involved in the murder.

Parting Comments: I really enjoyed reading this story. I love your writing style. I found myself sitting in the diner with the two cops, watching the long ash fall onto the table, listening to their conversation. It's a brilliant read. Great job!

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

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611

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#4246040

Review of Hide and Seek

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi An apple a day....

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for An apple a day....

First thoughts: It was your title and brief description that attracted me to this story. I wondered what would happen. I guessed it wouldn't be good. As I first read through, I was gripped from the very first word to the very last. The character of Jamie is so likeable. I wanted to know what would happen to him.

Plot/Story: This is the story of Jamie and his sister, Dorie: the new kids in town. They are going to summer school to catch up with schoolwork. There are only five of them in the class, including Jamie and Dorie. Because he was the youngest, Jamie tended to get bullied. One break time, they all go outside and decide to play Hide & Seek, with Jamie being "it". The other four run back inside, leaving Jamie outside on his own. He disappears, and the green van that screeched away from the school just before seems suddenly ominous. This is a great plot. I love your writing, as well. Your writing is easy to get lost inside. That's exactly what happened with this story. I was gripped. I felt so sorry for Jamie. For Dorie, too, who will always feel guilty about this. I like how you end it where you do, and leave the rest to the reader's imagination.

Characterisation: Jamie seems such a sweet, kind little boy. His sister is swept along with the other children, trying to fit in. I really feel for both of them.

What I Liked: Your writing. It's warm, it reminds me of melted butter. Does that make sense? I love the last line, where the teacher says, "I don't know if it means anything but I saw a green van squealing its tires over by the bus entrance!” I would love to know what happens in all of their lives after this point.

Parting Comments: This is a great story. It really was a pleasure to read and review it. I have to revisit your port at some point!

Lady Purple, House Stark

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612

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#4245976

Review of Scars and Souvenirs

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Dave

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Dave

First Thoughts: I chose this poem because the title intrigued me. As I first read through, I thought how fitting it is for this poem. This is such a moving story, of a guy who signs up for the army, with all the dreams of a seventeen year old. Only, things don't quite work out as he planned.

Poetic Tool Box

Voice/Tone: The voice is fragile, kind of nostalgic, sad. The narrator sounds tired. I love how each verse shows us a different part of this man's life (and death). That's beautifully done. At the beginning, he has everything: such optimism, such happiness. Then he is involved in some incident whilst at war, and he loses a leg, but gains P.T.S.D. I love the line which says, "sapped my spirit and broke my will." That is so sad. Because it's far too common. As you move to the end of the poem, the narrator speaks of losing "job, family and home." He then speaks of being homeless, which is a huge problem for our veterans. In the last verse, we see this man's grave. "The wilted lily on my grave/testifies to awareness of value/bestowed on soldier's sacrifice." This lack of respect, lack of help for them. Lack of care.

Mechanics: This poem is written in free verse. It is eight three line verses. I think free verse works really well here.

Favourite Lines "The photo of our wedding day/shows happy couple, so in love." So much promise, so much potential. But it could never be. Because he signed up for the army. I also love, "The Purple Heart and Silver Star/mean nothing when you are hungry/and sleeping on park benches." I think that line says it all.

Suggestions Just one tiny suggestion: the line, "cost me job, family and home." I would leave out the "and." I don't have a technical reason, I just think it sounds better.

Parting Comments This poem is beautiful. It deals with a difficult, but important, topic. It's beautifully written, and I love it!

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245902

Review of What a day

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi daydah

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for daydah

First Thoughts: Wow. I almost don't know what to say. But I had to say something. I couldn't pass this poem by. It's incredibly emotional. It sounds as though it may be from experience. Either your own, or someone you know's. If it is yours, I am so sorry you have gone through this.

Poetic Tool Box

Voice/Tone: The narrator is actually speaking to God, saying this terrible tragedy has happened, but God must have had it in his plan. I was a little confused about what has actually happened. The overall impression I have is one of still birth. The narrator's baby has died. But also, it could be a baby the narrator was about to adopt has died. But then you say, "Somewhere tonight, a newborn baby is crying for the mother's touch," which sounds like the baby is alive, but taken from the mother. Maybe you mean the baby is crying for its mother in Heaven. I'm not sure.

Rhythm and Rhyme: This isn't a poem that is full of poetic devices and structures. This is free verse, and is an outpouring of emotion. All directed at God. How could he let this happen? It's so sad.

Favourite Lines It's hard to choose a favourite line in a poem such as this. It's the poem as a whole that affects the reader. Although, I do love the repetition of, "You are an unquestionable God." It's like the narrator is trying to make sense of events.

Suggestions Technically, I'm not sure I would describe it as a poem. The long lines you have aren't really poetic. To make it more so, break the lines down. But, actually, I would re-describe this as poetic prose.

Parting Comments This is a very moving account of the loss of baby. It's beautifully written, and the reader can feel the emotion through every single word.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245892

Review of Left Or Right

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Robin's Stories

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Robin's Stories

First thoughts: It was your picture that drew me to this story. Is it the real Harry? I would love to know! As I first read through, I found a lovely, heart warming story. It is a tale of kindness and generosity, and how it can enrich your life. Making the right decision. So important.

Plot/Story: This is the story of someone who goes fishing, and encounters a little dog. He thinks nothing of it, then when driving home, the same dog is in the middle of the road. So your character picks him up, and takes him home. He cleans him up, and builds a fence out the back of his home. After a couple of weeks, the dog disappears. Another family find him, and he goes to live with them. The little dog (Harry) sounds so adorable. I love that he escaped your "Great Wall of China." He's clearly a dog who loves mischief. But that's the best kind, right? It's a really lovely story. It sounds like it's based on true events. But I'm not sure.

Characterisation: The star of the show is Harry. He is cute, naughty, quick to trust humans (even though he probably has no reason to). I love how the narrator keeps saying he can't keep Harry, but he still builds the fence, and sticks up "missing" posters.

What I Liked: This line is great: "I know that I screwed up, but you loves me anyways." This is Harry, after he has escaped. That really made me chuckle. My dog is the king of that expression!

Parting Comments: This story is brilliant. Your writing style is really easy to fall inside, which makes reading your story a pleasure. I love how cute Harry is. I love the happy ending. It's a great little story!

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245861

Review of "Isn't It Pretty to Think So?"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Girlinwhite

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Girlinwhite

First thoughts: Oh! This story is so sad. As I first read through, I was moved by the love affair of Sandy and Troy. It's so sad he died in a horrible accident. We know he's dead right from the start, but the hook of the story is to find out about their relationship, and how, and when he died.

Plot/Story: Sandy is a bereaved woman, visiting her lover's grave. They met at a fourth of July celebration, and had a passionate love affair. I'm not sure how long they were together. I don't think it was very long. They had plans to marry, and Sandy dreamed of their own house, a little girl, a dog: all the things you dream of when you're madly in love. But then Troy has a horrible accident (maybe an aeroplane accident, as he wants to be a pilot), and doesn't make it. Her dreams all die, along with her lover. Tragic. Really moving.

Characterisation: This story is about the relationship between the characters, not so much the characters themselves. And their relationship is lovely. Sandy describes her feelings eloquently. I love this line: "She could swear that her heart beat differently for those few minutes." This is when she first meets Troy. In contrast with her grief: " It was the kind of pain that seemed to swim through you slowly." That's a great description.

What I Liked: The love story. It's so relatable. The first few months of getting to know someone, the excitement, the dreams. But then, the pain of losing them. It's a great story.

Suggestions: The paragraph that begins, "Time passed and they grew very close," is a little confusing. Immediately before it, you were talking about the vet, and I didn't realise you had switched back to Troy. It brought me out of the story for a moment. Also, a typo: "She could almost feel the sensation of soaring sky-high from how excited got as he told her." You missed out the "he".

Parting Comments: This is lovely story of love and loss. I'm sure a lot of people will relate to it. It's well written, and really interesting. Great job!

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245840

Review of ABC's for DSX

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi dewmelic

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for dewmelic

First Thoughts: I was intrigued by the description of an alphabet poem. This sounded really complicated, and I wanted to see how you would handle it. Actually, you handle it very well. You stick to every letter in the alphabet, and the lines all flow together, and on from one another. I'm impressed.

Poetic Tool Box

Voice/Tone: Clearly, this poem is your own voice. You are speaking about your own little boys, and the poem is filled with warmth and love. I love the line, "Frightening, it's true." The made me chuckle. Having just one boy is terrifying! I love how personal this poem is. It's really endearing.

Rhythm and Rhyme: As well as this being an alphabet poem, you've added the extra difficulty of having a rhyme scheme. It is an aacc rhyme scheme, the whole way through. This is so clever, and such a good way of pushing the poem along at a good pace.

Favourite Lines "Quick wits and energy/Rambunctious are the three." I love the word "rambunctious." It's a perfect description of little boys. I also really like: "Holding their hands through strife," as this shows the flip side to the coin. They still need their Mummies, time to time.

Suggestions I felt the poem lost some of its natural flow from W onwards. The line, "While my oldest is D, the middle is S," seems to have too many syllables. It breaks up the flow a little. Especially, as the following line is a short one. I would definitely take a look at the last four lines, if I were you.

Parting Comments I really like this poem. I have a lot of respect for what you have achieved. I know it must have been difficult to get it this good, with rhyme included, also. It's a great job.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245827

Review of Tell Me A Story

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi {sizer:sgambill72}

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Diane

First thoughts: I chose to review this story because your brief introduction, "A children's story within a story," intrigued me. It's a great hook to get people reading. As I first read through, I loved how you were the narrator in the first person, but then told the story in the third person. It really worked, as well. I like it.

Plot/Story: A woman putting her son and daughter to bed makes up a bedtime story, using their names for the characters. This made me think of my dad. He would make up the most wonderful stories, always with the star being a girl called Rachel. It brought back happy memories. In the story the narrator tells, two children rescue a cat from a tree, and when they spot a cottage in the woods, they assume the cat must belong there, But a mean, wrinkled old man lives there, and says the cat isn't his. So they get to keep it. It's a cute story, and children will love it.

Characterisation: I love the relationship between the fictional Jessica and Timothy. They sound like any typical brother and sister, with equal amounts of love and hate.

What I Liked: "The villagers knew the warlock lived in the woods and so they forbade their children to play there." This is a great hook into the story, both for children, and adults. It certainly made me take notice!

Suggestions: I appreciate this is told as a short bedtime tale, but I felt there could have been a little more action. There's quite a chunk of the story which tells us about the children squabbling. Personally, I would like to have seen a little more interaction with the "warlock". Some magic, maybe.

Parting Comments: This is an interesting story, and I really like how you have told it. It was an enjoyable read, and I'm sure children will love it!

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245815

Review of Dames of the Dead Beginning Story

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi Revelry- inspiration needed

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Revelry- inspiration needed

First thoughts: I love the title for this story. I assume there are going to be further stories, that go within this book? As I first read through, I thought it is a brilliant idea for a set of stories. It has the potential to be really creepy and suspenseful.

Plot/Story: A lady (who we know is not of this world) has come on Halloween to claim the souls of eight people, who previously made deals with halloween's death messengers. We see her waiting to make her move. This is such a creepy idea. That death is stood by, watching, and waiting to claim you. Death could be anyone you see on the street. You never know. If this is just the beginning to a series of stories, it works brilliantly. But if it is a stand alone short story, I think it needs a little fleshing out. There's not really a great deal that happens here.

Characterisation: You tell us how the lady looks. Which is great. But I would love to know more about her: how does she feel about claiming these lives? How did she come to be the person who takes the souls? How long has she been doing it? I guess, if this is just an introduction, we can be shown more in the other stories. If not, maybe think about adding a little depth to this lady.

What I Liked: The idea. I love the way the woman just waited, in plain sight, until it was time to make her move.

Suggestions: You write with a lot of fragmented sentences. These can be used creatively, once in a while, but they really should only be once in a while. They have the effect of breaking up the story. Which makes it really hard to get lost in your writing. Use whole sentences, I really can't stress that enough. Also, you write the word "rhym" a couple of times at the end. I think you mean "rhyme."

Parting Comments: I love your idea. As mentioned above, I think this has great potential. Just try to tighten up your writing a bit; get rid of those sentence fragments. Tell us more about the enigmatic lady. All of this could make this a really great story.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245807

Review of Rise Up

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Thomas Seeker

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Thomas Seeker

First Thoughts: I was drawn to this poem by your brief description. I was intrigued to learn what the words of hope would be. As I first read through, I found the poem to be incredibly uplifting, and positive. It does, indeed, offer hope for those of us who have lost loved ones.

Poetic Tool Box

Voice/Tone: You are speaking as though you are one of the people who has passed on, giving reassurances to those left behind to mourn. I think your opening line is really clever: "Lying in a city of stone." So, your body is in the cemetery. I like how you've written that. The tone is uplifting, positive. You are telling us not to fear death, and also that we don't really die. Only our bodies do, our spirits live on, through those we leave behind. That's such a comforting notion.

Rhythm and Rhyme: This poem is free verse, and this is great because it allows you the freedom to be creative. The first three verses have an aacc rhyme scheme. This moves the beginning along at a nice pace. The next two verses don't have the rhyme scheme. But that's okay, because it slows the narrative down a little. Which gives the reader more time to contemplate your words. The last four lines are purely uplifting. I love the refrain of, "Rise up."

Favourite Lines "When you talk we still do hear/Our thoughts are with you my dear." These lines brought a tear to my eye. I really hope you're right about this. It's very emotional.

Suggestions I don't really understand this line: "We learned what was needed in this life." I'm confused about which life you are referring to. And, also, what did you learn? What is needed?

Parting Comments This is a really positive, uplifting poem. It would be a comfort to anyone who has lost people they love. Its message is warm and hopeful. Great job.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245326

Review of Darkened Life

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Rob G. ~Led by the Master~

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Rob G. ~Led by the Master~

First Thoughts: I chose to review this poem because I love the title. When I read your brief description, I thought it was a perfect title. I have some experience in this field, so I was interested to read. As I first read through, I thought you have some lovely descriptions in there.

Poetic Tool Box

Voice/Tone: The voice is clearly your own. It sounds very personal, as though you have experience of the subject matter. Which you do, although not first hand. I can't help but think you have a wonderful understanding of your wife's illness. You obviously listen to her.

Rhythm and Rhyme: There is an abcb rhyme scheme running through each verse, although there are some additional rhymes in places. I like this. It means the poem can move along at a wonderful pace. Your use of punctuation helps the reader to know your intended meaning in every word. It tells us when to pause and contemplate.

Favourite Lines "By the ripple of a heartbeat." Those words are beautiful. In contrast with, "the twisted, calloused, ugly truth." I love how you begin the poem, with the "battered, broken lantern." I can really relate to that. I could quote most of the lines, actually, and give a valid reason why they are my favourites. It's a beautifully written poem.

Suggestions Not so much a suggestion, as a question. The last lines, "Depression's grip is never gone,/it's merely hidden from you." Who is the "you" to whom you are referring? Is it your wife, or an outsider. Just curious.

Parting Comments This is a really lovely poem. It describes eloquently the darkness and pain that one experiences when suffering. It's a great poem.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245280

Review of A Bridge to You

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Rhyssa

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Rhyssa

First thoughts: It was your brief description that drew me to this short story. It sounded like it was going to be a really emotional read, and that's exactly what it was. As I first read through, I was struck by how sad and desperate this man's situation is. I can't imagine what it would feel like to be him.

Plot/Story: This is a story about a man who is trying his hardest to get on with life, after losing his son. We are only given the barest of details about how he died. I thought it sounded like cot death. But I could be wrong. But that's not the important part. The important part is how the main character has dealt with it. Or not. It's not until we're almost at the end that we learn it's been five years since he died. I thought it was really recent until that point. When we meet his (ex) wife, she seems much better adjusted. She has met someone else, and wants to move on. She tries to get him to speak about their son, but he can't. It's just too painful. It's so sad. A real heart tugger of a story.

Characterisation: The main character is so tragic. He works at night and stays inside in the day. He does a job where he does't speak to anyone. I thought this line was especially poignant, when he wife knocks on his door: "I nod, wondering how long it has been since I participated in a conversation. Weeks, maybe even a month or more." My heart really goes out to this guy.

What I Liked: How complete, well rounded your character is. What I mean is, he is so life-like, he jumps off the page. You have done a really great job in creating him.

Parting Comments: This story is beautifully written. It's emotional, clever, and really engaging. It's a great job!

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245179

Review of OH, The Pleasure

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Stuart

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Stuart

First Thoughts: When I saw your title and brief description, I had to take a peek at this poem. As I first it read through, I found it really funny and entertaining. It's not a poem to be taken too seriously, I don't think. Your first two lines are a great hook, by the way: "I want to think about some drinks/I want to not be sober." These made me chuckle, but mainly because I can relate to them way too much!

Poetic Tool Box

Voice/Tone: The voice in this poem is personal. The narrator is speaking in the first person. But the tone is light and humorous, and I don't believe the reader is meant to try too hard to dissect its meaning.

Rhythm and Rhyme: The rhythm works really nicely. The poem has an abab rhyme scheme, which helps the poem zip along at a great pace. It's really easy to read.

Favourite Lines "All the world looks like a bad dream/A spinning, pitching rolling mess." I love these lines. They are so funny. Again, mainly because I've been there a few times myself, in my younger days. The "spinning, pitching, rolling" is a memory I don't think will ever fade completely. I love your warning at the end, as well, where you say: "Care not to treat with nonchalance."

Suggestions Just one tiny suggestion: In the line, "Drink too much and then fall over," I would take out the word "and." It seems to add an extra beat to the line, making the reader stumble over it a little.

Parting Comments This is a great little poem. It's really fun to read, and I'm sure there will be so many people who can relate to it. I really like it.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245136

Review of Ghost Hunting

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi Schnujo NEEDS to do homework

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Schnujo NEEDS to do homework

First thoughts: I love a good ghost story, and that's what drew me to this story. And it is a good ghost story. It occurred to me, as I read, it might be written for the G.o.T. prompt this week. But, anyway, I want to review it.

Plot/Story: This is the story of a wannabe ghost hunter, who is curious about an abandoned house, that seems to somehow take care of itself. She downloads an app that allows her to speak to ghosts, to ask them questions. I love this part, it's so creepy. I was completely immersed in the story, and just at the part where the ghosts answer "Six", my husband tapped me on the shoulder. I almost fell off my chair! You create the suspense so well in this story. It's brilliant.

If I'm honest, I didn't really get the last paragraph. It felt a little like the story wasn't finished. I also didn't really feel we needed to know any of the stuff about putting her friends numbers in her phone. It just didn't seem to fit.

Characterisation: Your character is brilliant! She is brave. She speaks to the ghosts, like they're old friends. She doesn't get apprehensive until the wind blows a chill through her. I would have been terrified the moment Robert answered me!

What I Liked: I really like your writing style. It's easy to fall inside, and get lost in the story. That's what we're all looking for when we read, right? You do it very well.

Suggestions: Just to cut the last paragraph and find a different ending.

Parting Comments: This is such an enjoyable story. I really like it. It's well written, it's entertaining, and I love it. Great job!

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245123

Review of Maverick

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi T.C. Abernathy

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for T.C. Abernathy

First thoughts: I chose to review this story because your brief description intrigued me. I had to know who the guy was, who the body was, and why he was getting rid of it. As I first read through, I was hooked from the very first word, and gripped until the end.

Plot/Story: This is exactly what your description reads: "a guy getting rid of a body in the desert." Except, it's not exactly what we think it is. This is one of the best twists I've read. The whole way through, we're thinking gangster, mafia: that kind of thing. But then the reveal at the end is: " I ran over my date’s dog." I laughed out loud when I read that! Along with feeling sorry for the dog, I hasten to add.

Characterisation: Tony goes to all this trouble to hide his prom date's dog, so she doesn't know he ran over it. That's a little spineless. Mean, as well. I'm not sure I like him, and I definitely don't like his step dad, who thinks the whole thing is hilarious.

What I Liked: The twist. It floored me. So clever.

Suggestions: I spotted a few typos. These are just some of them:
* "He stared down at the jumbled mass in the hole and let the truth of what had happened that night sink in. he had . . . " - Should be a capital h.
* "It hit the garbage sack and spread out like dirty water froze in time . . . " Should be "frozen."
* " . . . would be able to discern that anything was every amiss." - Should be "ever."
* " . . . rubbed his face trying to ride himself of the built up sleep." - Should be "rid."

Parting Comments: This is a really good story. I enjoyed reading it, and I couldn't wait to find out who Tony had killed. The twist, just brilliant!Great job!

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245099

Review of The Black Swan

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hi VictoriaMcCullough

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for VictoriaMcCullough

First thoughts: It was your title that drew me to this story. I like it. As I first read through, I thought you covered a very difficult subject. It's important to write pieces like this, to create wider awareness of topics, like abortion.

Plot/Story: Sharon is pregnant by her boyfriend, but neither of them want the baby. So Sharon has decided to have an abortion. In the mean time, she doesn't want to see her boyfriend. What I didn't understand was why Cynthia had such an opinion, like it was her business. I appreciate it's a divisive subject. But surely, the one person Sharon tells would be someone she could trust to be on her side.

I must admit I struggled a little with this story. You switch POV quite a lot. Like, at the beginning you mention Cynthia (from Sharon's point of view) then near the end, in the middle of Sharon's thoughts, you say, "Cynthia knew it was the fact that Sharon was having a hard time pleasing her boyfriend that was ironic--life seemed beautiful just the way it was." This is really confusing. There also moments you have an omniscient narrator. It makes it hard to follow.

Characterisation: The only thing we really learn about Sharon is she has a good job and doesn't want to the baby she's carrying. She doesn't seem to think her boyfriend is good enough.

What I Liked: The way you have brought up this subject. I can imagine it opening up dialogues between women, and girls, and that is a good thing.

Suggestions: Stick to one POV in a short story like this. It can be an omniscient narrator, who know everything. But one narrator is all we need.

Parting Comments: This is a really interesting story. It's such a tough subject, and I have great respect for you for tackling it. I just think the POV needs smoothing out a little.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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