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Choconut

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2,057 Public Reviews Given

2,076 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.

I'm good at...

I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.

Favorite Genres

Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.

Least Favorite Genres

Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.

Favorite Item Types

Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.

Least Favorite Item Types

Chapters from the middle of books.

Public Reviews

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601

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#4245039

Review of Already His

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hi Piratess Dawniebelle

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Piratess Dawniebelle

First thoughts: I chose to review this short story because I like the title. Combined with the brief description, I thought it sounded like it could be interesting. And it is. As I first read through, I really wanted your main character to escape, even though I knew she couldn't, because she was "already his."

Plot/Story: A girl has been trapped by a vampire and his wolf hound. She tries to escape but can't open the door. The vampire caresses her, which renders her helpless to his power. He drinks her blood, then leaves. I like the plot. I could imagine this story being extended. I would love to know what happened to the girl. Is she dead? Does she become a vampire?

Characterisation: The vampire is the stand out character. He is evil. But he can also be tender, and gentle, as it proven by the way he caresses your character in order to quieten her. I found it interesting how her blood wouldn't taste the same if she was frightened.

What I Liked: The story. I like the vampire being able to use mind control. I love that he has a wolf hound. I think that's brilliant.

Suggestions: The first line has an error in it: "Her heart sank as she tugged useless on the heavy wooden door in front of her." I assume you mean "uselessly." But this leads me onto my main problem with this story. I appreciate you wrote it a long time ago, so I apologise if this is no longer relevant. Your text is littered with adverbs. So many it is off putting. Here's an example of one such line: " Shaking slightly, she looked bewilderedly from side to side." If you said, "She trembled, and her eyes darted from side to side," it would sound better. One other place I have to mention adverbs is the line, "Pulling on it, she felt it turn and budge as she yanked weakly at it." You can't yank weakly, the two are polar opposites. How about, "tugged"?

Parting Comments: I like the story here, although I think it needs to be built upon. I think you need to work on finding stronger verbs, rather than weak verbs, plus adverbs. It makes the reading experience much more subversive.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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602

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#4245034

Review of The Phantom Of The Hallows

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi ShiShad

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for ShiShad

First Thoughts: I read your story before I read the poem (which was maybe the wrong way round). I think I like the poem better. You tell a wonderful supernatural story of ghosts, betrayal, and revenge. I wonder if it's based on a true story?

Poetic Tool Box

Voice/Tone: Your narrator in this poem is an omniscient storyteller. The tone is somewhat detached, but that works well. A storyteller doesn't have emotional involvement.

Rhythm and Rhyme: On the whole, there is a really nice rhythm, making the poem flow really well. However, the line, "If on the eve before All Saint's Day," doesn't seem to fit quite as well. It breaks up the poem a little, and the reader then has to get back into it. There is an abab rhyme scheme, which helps keeps the pace moving along at a good speed. It also helps the overall flow of the poem.

Favourite Lines I love, "you hear loud clop, clop, clopping,". It brilliantly evokes the sound of horses' hooves. But what I really love is how you rhyme it with, "it's just the Phantom's horse galloping." I love it! That really made me smile.

Suggestions I'm not sure about the last line, but it may be that I am overthinking it. Leading up to it, you say that people have no reason to be scared of the man on his black horse, for he is only after the souls of the dead. Then you say, "Aye! Just run for your life instead!" I like the line, but I don't understand why we would need to run, if the man isn't after the living.

Parting Comments This is a really interesting poem. It's unique, and a different subject matter to most of the poetry I've read on here. I could picture the creepy cemetery, and the ghostly figures, as I read through. It's a really great poem.

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

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603

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#4245028

Review of Are you my friend?

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi Rebecca

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Rebecca

First thoughts: I chose to review this story because I like the title. With the genre it's written in, I thought it sounded cute. As I first read through, I thought it was a lovely little story, about feeling left out, and finding your best friend.

Plot/Story: This is the story of Charlie, a dinosaur who is the baby of the family. All his brothers and sisters go to school, and have friends of their own. But he doesn't have any. We see him go on a play date with Stanley, a shy dinosaur, who also has no friends. At the end of the story, they are friends. I love the plot. I think it is perfect for the children's genre. It is a great, positive message, about finding your way as a child.

Characterisation: Charlie is cute. Children will love him, because they will relate to them. The world is a scary place for children, if they don't have any friends. From an adult perspective, I found him a little needy. But this story wasn't written for adults.

What I Liked: The positive message for children. I'm sure any child who reads this/has it read to them, will come away from it feeling a little less alone.

Suggestions: I have a few. Technically, there were numerous errors. But, they are all easily fixable.
* "Charlie wandered around there house" - should be "their."
* "he found the cat, “he asked the cat are you my friend? - should be: he found the cat. He asked the cat, "Are you my friend?"
Always capitalise the first letter of speech in speech marks. Also, always surround the speech with speech marks. But, only the speech. Nothing else. There are a lot of mistakes like this through this story.
* "Charlie puts his head down and walks away saying" I don’t have anyone". - Up until this point, you have used the past tense, but here you switch to present, saying "puts." You switch back and forth a little after this. It's quite off putting.

Parting Comments: This is a lovely story. If you cleaned up the technical aspects, it could be a really good story.

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

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604

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#4244728

Review of Melodies in the Key of Life

for entry "What Becomes of the Brokenhearted?"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi Cheri Annemos

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Cheri Annemos

of House Florent.

First thoughts: Firstly, I think this is a brilliant idea! I love mixing my favourite songs, with writing. Participating in Soundtrackers was great fun. But this idea of yours is fab. A book with one hundred musically inspired shorts. I might have to set my iPod to shuffle, and copy you!

This story, as I first read through, struck me with how emotional it is. Uplifting, though, at the same time.

Plot/Story: Shyayna's husband, Ben, has recently passed away, leaving her as a single mother to three year old Ben. This story shows them settling into their new house, and new life. Shayna is remembering the good times she had with Ben, whilst unpacking all the things that hold her fondest memories. Her son, Reece, helps her unpack.

Characterisation: Reece is the stand out character for me. He is a typical, happy three year old, with no concept of how much his life has changed. I love how you balance out Shayna's sadness and memories, with Reece being himself, giving her a big kiss. He's adorable.

What I Liked: I love the last line, where Shayna tells Reece his dad said he was his greatest accomplishment. To which Reece replies, "Okay. I'm hungry." That just perfect. It's exactly how a three year old would react. They just care about the here and now. It also shows how life goes on, and I like that.

Parting Comments: I really like this story. It is really nicely written, with a good balance between sadness and looking forward to the future. It's a positive message, which I really like. Great job!

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

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605

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#4244700

Review of Glory Daze

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Cheri Annemos

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Cheri Annemos

of House Florent.

First Thoughts: This is really good. I know how difficult it is to enter contests like this. Trying to find a way to make cohesive sentences, whilst fitting the names in . . . very tricky. But you have done a really good job. In poetry, as well, which is much harder than prose.

Poetic Tool Box

Voice/Tone: This is quite a nostalgic and wistful poem. It's looking back at your life, via the various bands you manage to squeeze in. Twenty-one, I make it! That's a lot for a little poem. Yet, it really does make sense.

Rhythm and Rhyme: Added to all the above, you have included an aacc rhyme scheme which runs through the whole poem. That's no mean feat! It works, as well, it makes the poem flow better. There are a few places I felt the rhythm was a little rocky, though. Like the last line, it seems to have too many syllables, which distracts the reader slightly. It might have been better to say something like, "The memories where there is no fear or pain." That fits better.

Favourite Lines Has to be: "Wham! Bam! Thank you ma’am." This is brilliant! I laughed out loud when I read it. Actually, the preceding line as well: "With memories of the Pointer Sisters and cheap gin." That's just so funny!

Suggestions It's hard to suggest anything, when you are working in such strict parameters. But the one thing I would suggest you work on is the rhythm. I don't know if you read you poems aloud when you write them? I find that really helps me get a feel for them.

Parting Comments This is a hugely enjoyable poem. It made me chuckle the whole way through. Not only that, it's also very clever. Really great job!

Lady Purple, House Stark

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606

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#4244692

Review of Never Underestimate Two Women

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Cheri Annemos

This is a House Stark Anniversary review for "Game of Thrones"

for Cheri Annemos

of House Florent.

First thoughts: I was drawn to this short story by the title. It tells the reader this will be a story filled with women getting revenge. And it certainly is. As I first read through, I was gripped the whole way. I had to learn what the revenge would be.

Plot/Story: It is 1911, and two women are in a bath house. They get to talking about their men. Only, it turns out they are both sleeping with the same man. A plan is devised to make him pay. Then we see them drug, and kill Mr. James Buchanan. I love it! Serves him right. The only thing I'm not sure about is how they kill him. I know they give him a sedative, and leave him on the bench. There is snow around, so maybe he dies of hypothermia? It would be good to have a little clarity there.

Characterisation: Ironically, the character we probably know the best at the end of the story is James: the one character we don't really meet. James is instantly unlikeable, when we learn of his two timing ways. He makes me think of a Jack the lad type. The two women are intelligent, having been educated at good universities. For the time this story is set in, that's pretty remarkable. That was his mistake: messing with clever women.

What I Liked: The revenge! I love how these women work together, rather than turning on each other. Their relationship works brilliantly. I love this line as well: "Within a few days, the two women came together at the frosty window in the bathhouse to once again look at the spot that was the place where the county’s most notorious liar and cheat breathed his last."

Suggestions: A typo: "Standing back, her eyes drifted upwards and caught the Emily’s blue eyes in the room above." "The" shouldn't be there.

I would have liked to have seen a little bit more of James. To see him in action. I think he would be an intriguing character.

Parting Comments: This is a lovely tale of revenge. It shows the strength of women, when they come together. I really like it.

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

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607

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#4244675

Review of Almost

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hi Cheri Annemos

This is a House Stark Anniversary review for "Game of Thrones"

for Cheri Annemos

of House Florent.

First thoughts: Firstly, I really like the title. I think it works, and you should keep it. I really liked the scene in the country music bar. I can relate to that kind of evening, only not at country bars. We don't really have them over here.

Plot/Story: This is the story of Mindy. We see her meeting a guy at a country bar whom she really likes. After he has left, she vows to find him.Then, we see her at work (for her Grandpa), and he calls her into his office. She has upset her Grandma by saying she 'almost' had a boyfriend.

A couple of things. This could have been really exciting, if Mindy had gone looking for Tony. As it is, she vows to find him, then it all falls a little flat. The whole scene with her Grandpa would have been better used by showing Mindy searching for Tony. I don't feel the reader needs to know Mindy works for her grandparents. If you wanted to show she is rich, show her flashing her diamond ear-rings, or something like that.

Characterisation: Mindy doesn't come across as particularly nice. The guy she has thrown out of the club, just because he didn't ask her to dance? That was mean. At the same time, she has a softer side, which is nicely shown when she doesn't let Tony kiss her. She also seems quite young at that point. She is a great character, and you could really make something of her story.

What I Liked: The nervousness Mindy shows when saying goodbye to Tony. I really think you have created a great, complex character in her.

Suggestions: A typo: "Mindy angled the rear-view mirror to apply the a splash of lipstick." "The" shouldn't be there. Also, this line is confusing: "“I said, ‘almost’. She said: Do you want to be a sphincter all your life?” Who was asking the sphincter question? I got confused.

Parting Comments: This is an enjoyable read. I think it could be built on to make a much more interesting, exciting story.

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

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608

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#4244044

Review of Afterlife After Hours

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi Santa

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Santa

First thoughts: This is a lovely story. It was your title that drew me into it. Then, as I began to read, I was intrigued. I wanted to know who Sheryl and Brett were, and what their family business was. If I'm honest, I'm still not sure about the business. They seem to release the souls of the departed. Perhaps they perform some kind of ritualistic funeral services? But, I don't mind that I don't know, because I really enjoyed the story.

Plot/Story: Sheryl and Brett are siblings who have taken over their family's business. They go out into the desert to perform a ceremony with corpses. I'm thinking it's some kind of tribalistic, or spiritualistic ceremony. Sheryl is worried she doesn't have the "light" her late mother had, and without it she can't do the job. But there is a wonderful scene where Brett shows Sheryl drawings he has done, of things he has seen. They include Sheryl, radiating light. When they light the fire, countless spirits (including their parents) dance and have a party above the fire. I love this. It's a great plot, unlike any I've read before. It's fascinating.

Characterisation: I love the relationship between Sheryl and Brett. She is unconfident, full of self doubt. But Brett shows her how wonderful she is, he's so supportive of her. I really like him.

What I Liked: The characters. They were both so likeable. I love Brett's book of drawings. That's such a clever idea.

Suggestions: The dialogue is confusing. When they first start speaking, you need to use a dialogue tag. I didn't know who was speaking. I had to go back, and try to figure it out. This brought me out of the story, which was a shame. Similarly, at the end, when they start speaking, at first, we need to be told (or shown more clearly) who is speaking. Also, a typo: " . . . followed by a countless number of the Family's past customer's from over the centuries." There shouldn't be an apostrophe.

Parting Comments: This is really enjoyable story, and it is beautifully written. I really enjoyed reading it. Great job!

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

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609

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#4243289

Review of Twenty More

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi rjsimonson

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for rjsimonson

First thoughts: I chose to review this short story because your brief description is really intriguing. The idea of waking up and being twenty years younger is so appealing, as I have not long celebrated my fortieth birthday. As I read through, I was trying to imagine how I would do things differently if I had the opportunity your main character has.

Plot/Story: A woman wakes up one morning, and her body is the one she had twenty years ago. We see her go through a range of emotions, from happiness, to depression. The one emotion she doesn't seem to show is surprise. Which is little odd. She does telephone her daughter, to ask if she is still the right age, but there's no sense of panic. When her mother telephones her at work to say the change is thanks to her; she had three wishes, and one was that this woman was healthier, like she was twenty years ago. Again, there is no surprise, or disbelief. It seems to be accepted as normal. But, anyway. I love the idea.

Characterisation: I love how we see the woman jump into the shower, relishing her youthful body. Similarly, she doesn't need contact lenses any more. But then she realises that she could watch all her family die around her, and she no longer feels so happy. I really like how you show the flip side to this lucky coin. In the end, though, her mother talks her round, and she is happy about it.

What I Liked: The idea. I love the thought that I could wake up with the body of a twenty year old, but the experience of a forty year old. The things I would do!

Suggestions: The line, "My children were all three almost completely grown." This doesn't really make sense to me. Also, "Well, accept a person to share my life," should be "except". This next line also confused me. I'm not sure whether it's a language barrier: "Okay, mom. Gish and people call me crazy." What does "gish" mean?

Parting Comments: This is really enjoyable story. I love the premise, and I'm glad that the lady is happy with her new body, in the end.

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

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610

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#4242724

Review of No More Sorrow

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi Jordi

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Jordi

First thoughts: I decided to review this short story because your brief description is a real teaser! I had to read and find out what that revenge was all about.

Plot/Story: The funeral of a prominent townsperson takes place, and unknown man shows up, plotting revenge on the dead woman's grandson. Nobody sees the stranger. I wondered if he was actually "Death", and he was speaking of coming to take Colin. But then, you described him as having fond memories of Beth, with her "slender frame" and "secret smile". I don't get how Death would know about that. So I don't know who he was.

Characterisation: Colin is nicely portrayed as being a mean, selfish, greedy man. He wants all his grandmother's inheritance. Beth, on the other hand, seems to really care about the lady (her grandmother, too?) The two characters are polar opposites.

What I Liked: I like the plot. I think it's a really clever idea. I would love to know who the man was. Especially if he was Death.

Suggestions: There are a few things that didn't make sense to me. Firstly, the paragraph that begins, "There you are!" I didn't know who was speaking. You didn't tell us. I appreciate we try not to use too many speech tags, but this sentence was out of the blue, it bought me right out of the story. Also, you write, "Ever since Colin had discovered that her grandmother had arranged for a fleet of limousines . . . " This reads as though Colin is female, which also jolted me, and I lost the story. I'm confused about the relationship between Colin and Beth. Whilst you give us their full names more than once, you don't explain, or show, their relationship to each other. The line, "He thought only of himself, the St James name and money and their position in the town unlike ... " does't make sense.

You use a lot of run-on sentences. It would be beneficial to break all your sentences down. Sift out what is important and what isn't. Then break them up into smaller sentences. It's much easier to read that way.

Parting Comments: This is an interesting story. It has left me with a lot of questions about the plot. Maybe if you ever extended his, you could answer a few of those questions. They would add to the reading experience.

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

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611

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#4242271

Review of From Under the Willow Tree

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Chris W

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Chris W

First thoughts: It was your title that drew me to this short story. I really like it. Then, when I read that it might be mildly scary, I was sold. As I first read through, I thought it is an imaginative story, and I really wanted to know what was in the barn. I really enjoyed reading it.

Plot/Story: This is the story of a girl who lives in a world where she sees "haunts" all around her. I assume these are ghosts, although it is not explained. She is unhappy at home, but she loves to sit under the willow tree. She has a friend, Bucky, who she sometimes plays with. He stops the other haunts from scaring her. But here, I'm confused. You start out saying that the haunts leave her alone when she is under the tree. Then, you say Bucky stops the haunts scaring her, when he is there. But why would he need to, if they don't scare her?

I'm also confused by the paragraph that begins, "She liked playing with Bucky . . . " First, I thought Bucky was a haunt (away from her house), but then you say, "'The girl is crying again,' she would hear her stepfather say." This made me think he was in her house. Then, later he is outside. So I'm confused. I felt it was a little jumbled.

I love the twist at the end, when Bucky leads her into the cellar, closes the door and turns into a demon. All the other haunts were actually nice, and trying to warn her.

Characterisation: The girl seems sad and lonely. She has no (living) friends to play with, and her mother and stepfather don't much care for her. I feel sorry for her.

What I Liked: The ending! It's a great twist. I love how you show the realisation slowly passing over the girl: " It was Bucky. They were afraid of him. They thought that she should be afraid too." I love that line.

Suggestions: Try to separate your thoughts a little. Maybe I overthought everything, but I did find the plot a little conflicted in places. Also, watch your adjectives and adverbs. For example, you say a haunt has a, "pale white face." White is pale, pale is white. You don't need both words.

Parting Comments: This is a really enjoyable read. I love the suspense you create. The reader is swept along, with ghosts all around, watching the girl walk into danger. That's a clever story. I like it.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4242266

Review of Prompt#1: A New Day

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Cupadraig~The Remote Country

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Cupadraig~The Remote Country

First thoughts: I chose to review this piece of flash fiction because I was intrigued by your brief description. I was imagining a prisoner of death row, being led to his execution. But that's only partly right. I love what you did with this. It's creative.

Plot/Story: This story is about a prisoner on death row, who breaks free by brutally attacking the guards who come to take him to his execution. What you don't tell us is the reason he's in prison, which means we can imagine all kinds of things. I mean, it has to be murder, right? If he's being put to death. Then again, I'm not sure the time period in which this is set. So it may be some lesser crime. I like that you don't tell us, it's good to let us imagine.

Characterisation: My instinct, at the beginning, is to root for the prisoner. The way he savours his view of the outside world. Then, the guards calling him "monster", and treating him like an animal. It makes us like the prisoner. But then, he proves himself to be everything they said. He is vicious in his assault. Plus, he doesn't help any of the other prisoners, even though he has the keys. It makes me less inclined to like him. By the end, when he escapes, I'm really not sure what my feeling are about him.

What I Liked: Your opening is a great hook! "My last day in this world." Instantly, that evokes a kind of fear in the reader. It makes us need to know what happens. I love the description that follows this line: "I watch as a sliver of sun cuts the horizon and ever so slowly ascends into the sky." That's a beautiful description.

Suggestions: I had to read this line a few times to understand it: " This time I push off the wall with my right leg turning as I do." If I'm reading this right, you need a comma after "leg". The way it is, it reads that you right leg is turning, which really confused me. I also have a question: this prisoner defeated the guards pretty easily. Why didn't he do it before? Just wondering.

Parting Comments: This is an enjoyable, action-packed story. I was gripped the whole way through. I had to know if he would break free. It's a great job!

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

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613

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#4241879

Review of Sole Survivor

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Cat Voleur

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Cat Voleur

First thoughts: My first thought: I really like this. As I first read through, I had to know what would happen. I wondered if, maybe, your character might meet another survivor. It kept me gripped to the end. Which, by the way, I loved.

Plot/Story: This is from the viewpoint of the last survivor of the apocalypse. We see the world through your character's eyes, and we learn snippets of information about the world through her. We know that humans and zombies have both died out, all except for this one character. But in the end, we see her collapsing and dying (is that the right term for a zombie? I'm not sure). As I first read, I kept wondering how this person had survived, what her food source would be. So it all made sense when, at the end, you reveal that she is a zombie. I love the way you did that.

Characterisation: I never knew zombies had so many emotions, and thoughts and feelings. I must admit, I haven't seen many zombie programmes on TV. But I really liked this character. She seems sad at what has happened to a once-beautiful world.

What I Liked: I love your opening line: "I look out at the desolate wasteland that has become our world and it makes my heart ache." This is such a great opener, and I think it's why I assumed your character was human. It's so full of emotion. I also love, "Everything is covered in the remains of a society that no longer exists." That creates a stark picture of the landscape.

Suggestions: I would have liked to have known what happened to make the politicians press the nuke button. I know you mention a virus, but it's not clear whether that's before or after the nuking. I assume after. So, a little clarification would be good.

Parting Comments: This is a really enjoyable story. It is well written, interesting, clever, and I love it! Great job.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4241786

Review of The Poking Stick

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi Noner Says....

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Noner Says....

First thoughts: I love a story where we see bullies getting their just desserts. That's exactly what happened in this story. It's a witty, emotive, and a really enjoyable read.

Plot/Story: Roddy is a boy who is bullied by his brother. His brother has a poking stick, with which he bullies Roddy. Then Roddy meets a gremlin in the basement, who helps exact revenge. At first, the gremlin is timid and nervous, but When Nelson (Roddy's brother) starts poking it, it takes the stick and becomes scary. It is a nice story about how bullies don't win, and I like that.

Characterisation: I was surprised to learn that Roddy was the older brother. I assumed he was being bullied by an older sibling, not younger. He seems to be a timid child, easily bullied. He is afraid to stand up for himself. But once he meets the gremlin, he knows they will really get Nelson back eventually.

What I Liked: The uniqueness. I haven't read a story like this before. I love the idea of this gremlin living in the basement, and forging an ally with Roddy. It's a positive message. Apart from the fact that the gremlin injures Nelson quite a lot.

Suggestions: Be careful about using the same word over again. I know there was a poking stick, but the words "poke" and "poking" are all over this story. I stands out, and makes it a little difficult to get into.

Parting Comments: I like this story. It's fun, interesting, and it has a degree of revenge that is really appealing. It's a great job.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4241774

Review of Loss

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Hi Never Caroline

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Never Caroline

First Thoughts: My first thoughts are I wonder what the has happened. The poem isn't really clear. You just speak of loss and pain, and some cruel end. But none of it really connects with anything else. You mention a friend, which made me think you lost your friend. But then, your brief description says the poem is inspired by someone showing great strength before and after a terrible loss. So I'm confused.

Poetic Tool Box

Voice/Tone: The voice is very dramatic, emotive. I get the impression the narrator cares for the person who is suffering the loss. They are more than an omniscient narrator, they are more like a first-hand observer. It sounds personal. The tone is incredibly dark and emotional. It's thought provoking.

Rhythm and Rhyme: This poem does not have a rhythm that the reader can build up. The rhyme is not, I think, done purposely. You use the same words a lot in this poem. Like, you even repeat them next to each other. For example, "A vile vile capstone." That's not good. "Vile" is such an unpoetic word, to use it repeatedly doesn't make the poem appealing. Your use of repetition doesn't work, either. You really need to examine how this sounds. Try reading it aloud. That's the best way.

Favourite Lines "And such undeserving loss." It reminds the reader that this woman (I assume?) shouldn't have had to go through what she did.

Suggestions Try to find more words, use a broader vocabulary. Listen to how the verse sounds when you read it aloud. Don't just fill lines in by repeating the same words over.

Parting Comments This poem does need a lot of work. But it if you really thought about your words, it could be a lot better.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4241715

Review of A Few Feet Off The Ground

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi Keaton Foster: Know My Hell!

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Keaton Foster: Know My Hell!

First thoughts: Wow. This is dark and bleak and tragic. But it's also beautifully written, and it pulls the reader inside it, making us want to save the man who cannot be saved. It's a reflective piece about the pain some people go through, and how our lives can be defined in early childhood, through the actions of others. Something I know a lot about, and care a lot about. So this piece really spoke to me.

Plot/Story: A man, who has had a life filled with pain, decides to take his own life. This is a vignette of his last moments, looking back on his life, at the things that have led him to this point. He no longer feels physical pain. But why would he, when he is numb inside? How he has been since childhood. I love the part where his mind tears him away from the moment, and focusses him on the moment when his fate was sealed: "Before I die, before all of the remaining life in me expires a simple childhood memory fills my mind, in an instant I see myself being defined." That's so sad. The fact that you don't describe what happened makes it even sadder, somehow. I really feel for this guy. Of course, you also don't say what leads him to this exact moment: the events immediately prior to this.

Characterisation: This man is so tragic He has a sad past and present, and no future. Through writing this story as the guy's thoughts, we really feel for him. I really relate to him. I want to hug him and make him feel better.

What I Liked: I love this, when he speaks of his heart: "Stubborn to the plight of life, it will not easily relent." Also, the line, " A caustic cascade of numbness races through my being." These two lines strike me as especially poignant.

Suggestions: There are a couple of lines that I had to read over a few times to understand them. I think the reason is a lack of commas: "Inside me is nothing, as it has always been it is doing what it must." If there was a comma after "been" it would make more sense. Similarly with, "I feel it just as it was even though I am far past numb." With a comma after "was", it would be better.

Parting Comments: This is a really thought provoking piece of writing. It's beautiful in its honesty, and I found it really moving. Great job!

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4241347

Review of Revisting the Past

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi River

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for River

First thoughts: I was drawn to review this story because of your title and brief description. I wasn't sure whether the "past life" you referred to would be as in looking back and reminiscing about your time here. Or maybe, I even thought there might be a reincarnation theme. I did not guess the woman was dead. This is so cleverly done. My first thoughts are that this is a touching, heart warming story, with a clever twist.

Plot/Story: Sarah is looking around her old house one last time. She doesn't want to be there any more, she wants to look for a new house. I love your description of her taking one last look around her old house. It reminds me of when I sold the house that had been in my family for forty-two years. I walked around, saying goodbye. What I didn't guess about Sarah, though, is that she is dead. We don't realise until she takes a walk around her neighbourhood, and sees a girl sat on a porch, reading. Sarah is astonished that the girl can see her, but it's because the girl is dead, also. Sarah helps Anna, and Anna helps Sarah, to move on. The ending is so beautifully written. It's impossible not to be moved by it. It's a lovely plot, and you tell the story really well.

Characterisation: Sarah. I wonder what happened to her. Her ghost doesn't sound like an older person's ghost. She is nostalgic, but knows she no longer belongs in her old house. She doesn't know how to move on, until she meets Anna. There is a lovely description of Sarah: "Dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, she was a paler and sadder version of the person she had been." That seems so sad. I should have guessed at this point she was dead - she is paler, and no one can see her walking through the neighbourhood. She moved "gracefully". The clues were all there, but I missed them.

What I Liked: The twist. I actually gasped when I realised Sarah was dead. I like your style of writing, as well. It's easy to fall into.

Suggestions: Just a couple of small points. "The girl looked at her seriously." Maybe, rather than using this adverb, you could say something like, "The girl stared at her, lines wrinkling her forehead." Also, "They entered the house, as the door closed softly behind them a woman looked toward them startled." I would place a period after "house", as they are two separate clauses.

Parting Comments: This is lovely story. I found it touching, and it is well written. A very enjoyable read!

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4241316

Review of The Man in The Suit

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi ~ IVELTAC ~

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for ~ IVELTAC ~

of House Tyrell.

First thoughts: I was drawn to this story by your brief description. I was intrigued to find out who the man was who kept appearing, and what his purpose was. As I read through, you kept me hooked until the end. I had a suspicion it would be the boys' grandfather.

Plot/Story: This is the story of a mad scientist grandfather who is playing a trick on his grandchildren. He is testing out holes in the ground that he uses to scare trick or treaters. Yep. That would work for me! We see him appear in various disguises before the children, then he keeps disappearing into the ground. Interestingly, the boys don'r really find this too odd. It doesn't scare them in the slightest, and they must be quite young, as they enjoy playing in a pile of leaves. I love the reveal at the end of the story, and the water fight that ensues. That's a good way to end this. I wouldn't, however, say that, "ww2 began." WWII occurred seventy years ago. It's already been!

Characterisation: I like the relationship between Malakai and Wally. They seem to have fun together. They seem like two normal little boys. We don't really see much more than that. But I guess we're not meant to.

What I Liked: The water fight at the end. I think their grandfather sounds like a cool guy. But then, mad scientists usually are, right?

Suggestions: I have a few. The first is to always spell check your work. Then, read it back, and make sure there are no mistakes. There are quite a few in this story, so I won't list them all. You say Malakai "srughed" his shoulders a couple of times. I assume you mean "shrugged," but spell check would have fixed this. You also say, "There standing next to the house stode the man in a chicken outfit." I assume you mean "stood."

There are a few places where you use the same word twice in close proximity, and this makes it stand out. For example, in the opening paragraph, you say "mail" quite a few times. You do this with other words as well. Just watch this, as it pulls the reader out of the story, rather than keeping them close.

This one line, I can't make any sense of: "'Malakai said trying not to laugh.' 'Yes I did.' Wally said. The two went inside and told there mom. " Also, it should be "their," not "there."

Parting Comments: I really like the idea for this story. It's creative, and has great potential. I think if you pay more attention to the smaller details, you could have a really good story.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4241293

Review of Here Now

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi trillian163

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for trillian163

First thoughts: My first thought as I began reading this was I can relate to this woman. But as I continued reading, and especially when I reached the end, I felt more that I wanted to slap her. Tell her to get over herself. I mean, seriously, how much self pity can one person have? Then I thought, I'm not sure whether that was your intention. Maybe you wanted her to be sympathetic. I'm not sure.

Plot/Story: There isn't really any plot or story. This is more a vignette. A scene of a woman in her kitchen, contemplating her place in the world, in life. She seems to feel disconnected, like she is never herself because she always changes to fit other people's desires. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that. That's why I had some sympathy for her. But in this story, she spends hours doing nothing but brooding over how unfair her life is.

Characterisation: There is just the one character in this story. We know she is a mother. She seems depressed, to be fair to her. But she spends hours sitting around thinking sulking about how everybody needs her and she's never allowed to be herself, not that she even knows who she is. But it's everyone else's fault.

What I Liked: I like the idea of having a philosophical piece of writing, where a person contemplates their life in the big scheme of things. It's interesting to read.

Suggestions: Having said I like the concept, it would have been nice to have the woman a little less self pitying. It would make her more likeable, and it would grab the interest of the reader more. Also, the line, "it strikes her as a bit typical," needs to be changed. You have a tendency to use a lot of adverbs. In creative writing, they should be used sparingly.

Parting Comments: This is an interesting idea. I think it could be improved with some work on characterisation. With that done, it could be a really good piece.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4241223

Review of Love Potion

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi Arakun the Twisted Raccoon

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Arakun the Twisted Raccoon

First thoughts: I was drawn to this story by your brief introduction. I know you like to add a twist at the end of your stories, so I was intrigued by this. As I first read through, I found I love your style of writing. It's rich and descriptive, it's really easy to fall inside.

Plot/Story: It is a cautionary tale to never buy potions to try to control the feelings or actions of others. Tanya works in a coffee shop, and there is a customer, Jeffrey, who she wants to fall in love with her. Why? Because he hasn't shown any interest in her, whereas, all other men think she is beautiful. She wants that which she cannot have. So she buys a love potion, and slips it into his tea. When it works, and he asks her out, her interest wanes a little. She thinks she will just date him a couple of times, she doesn't want to settle down for years. Jeffrey, on the other hand, thinks he will ask her to marry him that night. If she says no, he'll just kill her and dump the body, like the he did with the others. I love this twist! I did not see it coming. I thought the twist was going to be him falling in love and wanting marriage whilst Tanya backs out. So I loved it when we found out who he really is.

Characterisation: Tanya is self centred, overtly sexual, arrogant. She wants whatever it is she can't have. She seems spoilt. She's not a likeable character. Jeffrey is a serial killer, who falls in love with women on first meeting, and when they don't reciprocate, he kills them. They are both rich characters, and I can imagine them so clearly.

What I Liked: The twist! I also love the whole description of Jeffrey when he drinks the tea, and how he acts after that. I love, "On his way out of the cafe, he bumped into the door as he turned to wave to her." That's such a vivid picture. It made me laugh.

Parting Comments: I really enjoyed reading this story. It's clever, funny, and well written. Plus, it has a killer (literally) twist. Brilliant! I absolutely love it!

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4241221

Review of A Sneaky Killer

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Harry

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Harry

First Thoughts: I was drawn to this poem by your title and brief description. I was intrigued to know to which disease you referred. When I realised it was diabetes, I had to keep reading. I suffer from that horrible illness. As I read through the poem, my first thought was how accurate your words are. It's clever how you manage to fit all the medical terms (which, let's be honest, are not naturally poetic!) into a poem. And it works. It really does.

Poetic Tool Box

Voice/Tone: The narrator is somewhat detached from the poem. You're not writing it in the first person, and saying this is what happened to me (although it may be based on experience). You're writing as an omniscient narrator, who has observed the damage diabetes does. I like that, it gives you scope to write about everything. The poem is packed full of information.

Rhythm and Rhyme: This is where I had a bit of a problem. I read it a few times, trying to build up a rhythm, and make the poem flow smoothly. But I couldn't. I appreciate there is some rhyme in there, and I like that. It does help to move the poem along. There seems to be a similar numbers of syllables per line (except for the last lines of each verse) so I know there is a structure there. But it just doesn't sound smooth to me.

Favourite Lines It's hard to choose a "favourite" line, when they are all containing stark warnings about the dangers of not managing your diabetes. But I guess this is the line I can really relate to, because it is so true: "It’s hard to fight the fight each and every day." It really is.

Parting Comments I'm glad I chose to read this poem. It's interesting, and it reminds me how important it is for me to look after myself. This poem is packed with information, and I think everyone could do with reading it.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4240878

Review of “Andrew's Treatment”

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi BEAR

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for BEAR

First thoughts: As I first read through, one of the first things that occurred to me was that it's refreshing to have a story about a person who has cancer, where the person is real. What I mean by that is writers have a tendency to make people with illnesses like cancer overly likeable and sympathetic. But you didn't, and I like that. I was intrigued to find out where your story would take us. There were so many possibilities. I like the one you opted for.

Plot/Story: Andrew is a cancer patient. He is also a self-centred, miserable man. He doesn't take time to notice the little, important things in life. Like the fellow sufferer who sits opposite him in the treatment room, or the lady who speaks to him every morning. Whilst listening to The Beatles' All You Need Is Love on the radio, he fails to notice that love is all around him, and that he has lots of people looking out for him. I like how he receives the Valentine's card at the end. I think it's from the lady who also has cancer. But you say it's the woman who was "just another annoyance", which is more befitting of the woman who tried to engage him in a smile every day. So it could have been from her. Anyway, moral of the story: misery can spread through you like a cancer, and can actually change your life more than cancer.

Characterisation: We don't really learn much about Andrew, other than his wife left him some years ago, and he's grown to be miserable ever since. He is described as self-absorbed, and it seems to suit him.

What I Liked: I like the story. I like not knowing whether Andrew would live, if he would stop being unhappy, not knowing where this story would go.

Suggestions: The woman's voice is described as being a squeak, and weak, and shrill. I'm not sure the three descriptions all go together.

Parting Comments: This is an interesting story, which is well written. I feel like there was hope for Andrew at the end, and that's good. I enjoyed reading this story. Great job!

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4240747

Review of A Horrifying Discovery

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi Stinky

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Stinky

First thoughts: I was drawn to this story by your brief description. It really intrigued me. As I began to read, I was hooked instantly by your opening line: "She had forgotten how free she felt in space." I love that. Right from the start, I had to know what would happen.

Plot/Story: This is the story of an astronaut (Julie) who is investigating what she and her crew believe to be a new planet. I love how you say it is the year 3147, and no-one has set foot on any planet other than earth. Then, there is "a small blip on a radar screen in a far off space station yielded a planet much like Earth." This prompts Julie's mission to discover what has happened to this planet, as there is a massive crater in it, that (I assume) wiped out civilisation. But when she investigates, she comes across the Statue of Liberty. I love how the statue is still standing. At the end of the story, the astronaut cries. I think that's because she realises she is on earth, which means human civilisation has been wiped out. But I'm not positive, because Julie has crew speaking to her from a command centre, and this reads as though she has just gone into space. So maybe I have that wrong.

What I Liked: The story. I also love your writing style. You have a beautiful way of phrasing. For example, "She floated through the ship’s umbilical cord." I love that description.

Suggestions: Whilst I love your writing, you do have a tendency to use run-on sentences. Just look at breaking some of them down, and it will make it easier to stay lost in your story.

Parting Comments: I really enjoyed this story. It would be good to know if I was right about Julie being on earth, or if I missed something there (which is possible!). Overall, though, I really liked this story.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4240729

Review of The New Earth

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi Scott S

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Scott S

First thoughts: I was drawn to this story by the title. I was intrigued to see what the "New Earth" would be like. Your brief description doesn't really give anything away. As I first read through, I thought you had some interesting ideas.

Plot/Story: There isn't really a story in this piece. The whole time I was reading, I was hoping it would be leading somewhere, that there would be some kind of action. But there wasn't. It's just a description of the world in the year 2065. That said, you do have some really cool ideas. This would be good to use as an introduction to a longer story, or to a novel.

Characterisation: I'm not sure who the narrator is. He (I think?) is someone living in this time period, but that 's just about all we get from him.

What I Liked: I loved the idea of combining logic and technology. That's really clever. I can only imagine the trouble that could cause.

Suggestions: Firstly, a couple of grammatical/spelling errors: when you pluralise words, you should not add an apostrophe. You write God's, as plural of God. You also say "Military's" as plural of "military". It should be "Militaries."
You don't need to capitalise the first letters of words that are not proper names (like Harry, New York, etc.). Words like "earth" and "land" don't need capitals.
I have a question about what you mean by "Magi ck". The first time you used it, I thought it was a typo for magic. But then you used it over and over, so I'm not sure. If you're going to introduce new concepts to us by name, you need to explain what they are.
You keep saying "as we know it" throughout this piece. Once is enough. We get the picture, using it so much is really distracting.
In general, you have a lot of run-on sentences. For example, "We, as Americans finally get to see what it's like in a third world Country, where death is so natural people commit murder like It's nothing, and don't have to fear the repercussions." Break it down. It would make this story much more readable.

Parting Comments: There are some clever and unique ideas here. If you just tidy it up a bit, it could be really good.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4240715

Review of My Sweet December

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Hi Preciouswrtr

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Preciouswrtr

First thoughts: Before I began reading this story, I thought it would be romantic love story, judging by the title and brief description. But it's not. It's a cautionary tale about the dangers of falling in love too quickly.

Plot/Story: This is the tale of a woman who is getting over the death of her husband, then meets a man in a nightclub, and falls in love. Only he turns out to be less than good. I'm not sure exactly what he does. At the beginning, you mention him cheating on her, then at the end you say the woman moved in with him, but it only lasted about six weeks. It's a little vague.

Characterisation: The woman narrating the story is incredibly bitter. She has been hurt, and she's angry. She feels let down. I don't really get any other feelings about her.

What I Liked: I liked how it's a cautionary tale. I actually thought Jerry seemed pretty nice, but if he married someone else, then maybe not.

Suggestions: I'm afraid there were so many spelling and grammatical errors in this piece that I found it hard to follow at times. I'm not going to list them all, but these are a few:
"could'nt" - should be "couldn't"
"did'nt" - should be "didn't"
You should always leave a space after a comma, period, exclamation mark: any punctuation mark.
"I guess your confused" - should be "you're"
You use the word "clouser", and I've no idea what that means!
"vulchers" - should be "vultures"
"I had fell in love" - "I had fallen in love"
Always use capital letters at the start of sentences; after exclamation and question marks.
"Had took over" - "Had taken over"
"nervouse" - "nervous"
"neckless" - "necklace"
You have speech marks all over the place in this piece. They should only be used for quoting actual speech, or thoughts.
This sentence makes no sense at all: "The next week came and I tried to call him all week,I did what was going on, he wasn't."

Parting Comments: I appreciate what you are trying to convey here, and there are moments your message is clear. But you really need to spell check, and think about your grammar. These are the building blocks to writing enjoyable, readable stories. With some tidying up, this could be good.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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