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2,057 Public Reviews Given
2,076 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.
I'm good at...
I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.
Favorite Genres
Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.
Least Favorite Genres
Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.
Favorite Item Types
Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.
Least Favorite Item Types
Chapters from the middle of books.
Public Reviews
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501
501
Review of The Librarian  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Christopher Roy Denton

*Burstr**Bursto**Bursty**Burstg**Burstb**Burstv*"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
Celebrating Equality and Diversity*Burstv**Burstb**Burstg**Bursty**Bursto**Burstr*


I chose to review this story because it is on the list of item's for today's LGBT Power Raid.

The first thing I want to say is congratulations on your promotion to yellow case! I'm not in the least bit surprised about it.

*RainbowL**RainbowR* As I first read through, you hooked me at the start with the lovely relationship between Jess and Imran, and kept me interested the whole way through. I wanted to see whether Alice would agree to go out with Jess. When she refused, I couldn't wait to see if Jess would hook up with Alice's sister.

*RainbowL**RainbowR* The characters in this story are so well written. I love Jess and Imran. Their friendship is shown as really intimate and loving. For example, when he ruffles her hair. It's kind of a brother-sister thing. Jess is slightly shy, and I was really rooting for her when she asked Alice out. I was sure she would say yes. But, then you added a clever twist. Alice is straight. Her twin sister, however, not so much. I love it. I found myself hoping the two of them would hit it off. I cared about the characters because you have written them so well.

*RainbowL**RainbowR* I love the humour in this story. I found myself chuckling all the way through. I've found it hard to pin down one line as my favourite, as the whole story is great, but this line made me laugh out loud: "I'm a Paleolithic specialist. If cavemen hadn't got jiggy with it, we wouldn't be sitting here today talking about your hot girlfriend." So funny.

I love this story, Bob. It's a perfect example of why you got your yellow promotion. You are a really talented writer, and this story is a great example of that.

Choconut

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502
502
Review of Surprise Party  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E]. This is your last review as part of your winning auction package. Whilst I love your poetry, I thought it would be good to read some of your prose, as well.

My first thoughts: This story took me in a completely different direction to the one I expected. Your genre and brief description give nothing away, so the end is a clever surprise when it comes. I really enjoyed reading this.

Plot: You hooked me right from the start, with the surprise party. "It’s been a tough year, loosing Kate and all." This line grabbed my interest, and made me eager to learn what had happened to Kate. At the beginning, I thought Alice was Bill's wife and Ted was having an affair, but I got that wrong. She was Kate's best friend, though.

I love the mystery of the face in the photograph on the phone, then the missing memory card. I found myself desperate to know where it had gone. I wanted to find out whether Kate was really there. I was also waiting for a romantic reunion with Ted. That didn't quite happen! But, actually, it turned out much better than that.

Characters: This is a short story, so there is not much room for masses of characterisation. The person we learn most about is Kate, the dead wife of the main character. She is one vengeful ghost! I can understand why she would be unhappy that her husband and best friend have got it on, but she is mean. At the end, I'm not sure whether she frightens him so much he will never go near Alice again, or whether she kills him. Either way, it's really well written. The reveal is the exact opposite of what the reader expects.

Grammar: Just two tiny errors: "I hope you’re happy where ever you are." Wherever should be one word. Also, "It’s been a tough year, loosing Kate and all." It should be losing.

What I liked: The twist! It's unique and creative and comes as a surprise. I guess that is the real surprise of the surprise party. Nicely done.

This is a really enjoyable read. It hooks the reader at the start and keeps them right inside the story until the end. And the twist . . . well, you know I love it! It would appear your prose is every bit as good as your poetry.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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503
503
Review of Wake Up!  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . This is the second review of your winning package in "Invalid Item" 

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This is a passionate, powerful piece of writing. The points you make are all true, even though certain people choose to deny them. This is a subject I feel strongly about, and I love how you have highlighted the plight of climate change and humans' abuse of the natural world. I love the two verses that inform the reader of the effects of our actions. They are informative as well as poetic.

Voice/Tone: The tone is matter of fact. It reads like a plea to the people who could actually make a difference, whilst at the same time knowing it is useless to try to get them to change. After all, they make more money if climate change is all a big lie. I say the tone is matter of fact, but it's also passionate. I can hear the anger bubbling away beneath the surface.

Mechanics: There are five quatrains, all with an aabb rhyme scheme. They read so fluidly. It's like a monologue. It feels like you are speaking directly to the person who has a fondness for tweeting. (By the way, is that because he can only form sentences with 140 characters or fewer? Anything more is too complicated?)

Rhythm: Perfect. There is a natural rhythm that is so appealing. It makes the poem easy to read. Indeed, it actually reminds the reader just how much of an outrage this is.

My Favourite Part: "Don’t hide your head in sands of lies." This line is fantastic! It's a beautiful metaphor, used to describe an ugly personality. Really clever. The whole poem, though, is wonderful. I LOVE your last line: "The Earth needs help, not an F-ing tweet!" That is a perfect end to this poem.

I absolutely love this poem. It's beautifully written and so accurate with its sentiment. I love it. Just love it.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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504
504
Review of Unforgiven  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is the first review of your package in "Invalid Item" 

Please remember these views are purely my own, and that any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: My first thoughts as I read this poem were how wonderfully dark and rich the narrative is. It's so easy to get lost in your words, and there's so much to take in. I love it. I think your take on the prompt is creative, and I actually found this a little bit creepy. I love the line, "My spirit cannot find release." This feeling of being trapped underground forever, unable to change your past, present, or future. It's quite claustrophobic. But it's brilliant!

Voice/Tone: The tone is dark. Words like pain, trapped, hell, inflicted all compound the feeling of claustrophobia and being stuck. The narrator seems to be suffering because of the sins of his earthly life. We don't know what these are, but we can imagine (which is good).

Mechanics: There are eight quatrains, all with an abab rhyme scheme. This makes the poem flow beautifully. I love your use of enjambment. This is a great way to make the lines run into one another. It all kind of moulds into one. Does that make sense?

Rhythm: On the whole, the rhythm is great, making the poem read really smoothly. There are a couple of places I felt it could maybe read a little smoother. "my conscience no longer fallow." The stresses don't seem quite right here. Or maybe there is a syllable too many. It's just a little off. Similarly, this line seemed a little off: "or will we remain less than whole."

My Favourite Part: I love the whole poem. I love the way it flows like black treacle, suffocating and thick. I love these lines: "My spirit cannot find release / though flesh and bones now melt away." Later in the poem, you say that your soul is all that remains, compounding this idea of the soul being left behind, stuck in the earth and suffering forever.

Suggestions: I spotted one typo (I think). "Are we no more that tiny grains." Should it be than? I also would make a tiny change to this line: "that I once caused without regret." I would switch the I and once around, so it says, "that once I caused without regret." To me, that reads a little more smoothly. But It's up to you.

I really love this poem. My suggestions are all tiny points, and it reads really well as it is. I love its darkness and the way it feels when I read it. Great job!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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505
505
Review of Subtlety  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Angel

This is a Rising Stars Member 2 Member Review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* My first impressions: This is such a sad story. You do a fantastic job of making the reader feel for Lisa. Right from the start, I had a feeling this story was going in the nasty direction it does, but when I got to the part that reads, "One evening, a couple of months after her eleventh birthday . . . " I went cold. I knew I was right about the story. It really resonated with me. It's incredibly powerful. You have treated the subject matter in a sensitive and caring manner, and I love the theme of subtlety and how, often, child abuse is a gradual process. Grooming is an important phase for most paedophiles. Wow. Very powerful.

*Starv* Plot: This is the story of Lisa, a young girl whose mother dies from falling down the stairs and breaking her neck. (Did she fall, or was she pushed?) So her stepfather takes over her care. He moves her out to a house in the middle of nowhere and gradually introduces her to new chores she must do. The way you show her acceptance, as it becomes a way of life is so sad. But, unfortunately, so real.

*Starv* Setting: There isn't a great deal of description of the setting. We knows the house is secluded, and that Graham builds and annexe and a tiny chapel. It might be nice to include a little more description with regards to smells and taste. A little more use of all five sense, which would immerse the reader even more in the story.

*Starv* My Favourite Part: It's hard to say this is my favourite part, but it's the part that brought a lump to my throat. "it was not always Graham who left her side in the mornings as she stared into the eyes of her Teddy Bear." The teddy bear is a clever way of reminding the reader how young the girl is. It's a stark ending to a tragic story, and it really moved me. I also love the part where Lisa is questioning if she could have saved her mum if she stayed home from from school, and you say, "it was the illogically broken mind of a seven-year-old." Again, that is such a powerful image.

*Starv* Suggestions: On the whole, you tend to write in the passive tense. There are a lot of was-es and weres. This has the effect of keeping the reader at a bit of a distance, rather than pulling them inside it with you. For example, "A man would come and take the service, Lisa was never sure who he was and they weren’t the services she remembered from when she was small." This is storytelling. However, if you said something like this, the reader is more inside the story. I think. "Inside the tiny chapel, Lisa shivered. The wooden pews felt rough through her cotton dress. The man with the fake vicar's robe, who always smelled of tobacco and yucky aftershave, didn't perform ceremonies like the ones she remembered from her former life." It's just a suggestion.

*Starv* Final thoughts: This is powerful and, despite what I just said above, you have done a great job of engaging the reader and making them have sympathy for Lisa. It's a sad story, and it made me go through a lot of emotions. Anger and sadness are the main two. I love how you highlight the issue of child abuse, and how you show how children become conditioned to think their treatment is normal, is what they deserve. It's a really great story!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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506
506
Review of Last Flight  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi kerrimiller

This is a Rising Stars Member 2 Member Review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: Oh my. I couldn't help but feel sad for the dragons as I first read through. You write beautifully, and the subject of global warming and natural disasters is really timely, even though your poem took places millions of years ago. You do a great job of making the reader imagine the dragons, fleeing their homes in desperation. It makes me feel so sad because it really is happening around the world. Not with dragons, obviously. But polar bears, for example. Other species, too.

*Starv* Mechanics: This is an Interlocking Rubyait. I love this form, and this poem is a fantastic example of one. You have the rhymes just right and, on the whole, the rhythm works well. There is one place I stumbled over at first: "statues symbolizing winds blown." The use of symbolizing felt like it had too many syllables, or maybe the stresses weren't quite right. That said, now I have read it a few times, it sounds okay. But I did stumble over it at first.

*Starv* My Favourite Part: "Breeze interrupts destined lifetimes." I love this! Climate change alters the course of history. Creatures who should have had millions of years ahead of them are becoming extinct. All because of humankind. It's a sobering thought. I guess, when dinosaurs became extinct, you couldn't exactly blame humans. So maybe the dragons weren't down to us either.

I'm also in love with the line: "as dragons exploit their last plight." I love your use of assonance and consonance with exploit and plight. This produces a wonderful sound, especially when you read this aloud.

*Starv* Suggestions: I'm not sure about this line: "egg held by dragons overthrown." I'm not sure I understand it, I'm afraid. But it may just be me! Should it be eggs (plural)? If not, what egg do you mean? Is it like a throne, or something? Or do I have this completely wrong? (It's possible!)

*Starv* Final Thoughts: This is a wonderful poem, Kerri. It's smooth and light and a perfect example of an Interlocking Rubyait. I can't express how much I feel sad for the dragons you write about. It's a great poem!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut *Heart*

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507
507
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Starmic Suebear

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E]. This review is part of "a very Wodehouse challenge" .

My first thoughts: This is an interesting story. As I first read through, I wondered if it is a part of a longer story, but by the end, I realised it is a stand alone.

Plot: This is the story of three men who are aboard a ship, heading to an island. Two of the men, however, end up swimming there. There is an angel baby called Daniel who two of the men want to save from the third, Babenlo. I believe that is the plot. What I'm not sure about is why they are all on the ship and why there is a baby angel they must save. You didn't really give any background information to the story or the characters.

Characters: I found the characters confusing. When Alexander first appeared, there was no introduction, you just wrote, "Alexander had Babenlo in his mind’s eye . . . " I was like: Who is Alexander? Similarly, "Vaz noticed Babenlo walk to a spot beside the railing . . . " This is the first mention of Vaz. You don't explain who any of them are and it's all rather confusing.

What I liked: This is my favourite line: "'As expected,' he thought. The man walks with devils." That's a great way of keeping your reader interested. I wanted to know who Babenlo was and what kind of dark magic he practised. I also love the glimpses of magic and demon detection you show. These bring the narrative alive.

Suggestions: This is an interesting idea for a story. If you worked on showing the reader more of the surroundings and characters, it could be really good. Little things, like, "To all appearances, Babenlo had moved along to his cushy private room." The word cushy tells the reader very little. If you wrote something like, "Babenlo's private room had a king size bed with Egyptian cotton sheets. The walls had been painted blue to match the view of the sea from the large porthole." This gives the reader something to connect with and hold onto.

The other point is the ending was a little disappointing. I was geared up for some big fight scene, maybe some magic spells. But, instead, it kind of fizzled out with the words, "Babenlo died." I would work on this. It is the climax of your story.

I enjoyed reading this, but I feel it could be so much better if you put some time into creating the setting and developing the characters. Take your time to write a longer piece, show the reader some magic. It could be really good if you did this.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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508
508
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Prosperous Snow celebrating

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . This review is part of "a very Wodehouse challenge" 

Please remember these views are purely my own and everyone has different opinions.

First Impressions: This is a wonderfully dark poem, with lots of great metaphors and descriptions. As I first read through, I I found it beautiful. I've read it a lot of times now, and each time, there is something new to take from it. It's wonderful.

Voice/Tone: The tone is dark and formal. I love the way your words wash over me and soak into my skin. That's the only way I can describe it. It is so, so beautiful, and it feels feminine because of the words you use, like maiden, mother, birth, venus. It's very clever how you have used these words throughout.

Mechanics: There are four quatrains, with an abcb rhyme scheme through each. This helps the poem to read smoothly. Your rhythm is spot on. It feels very natural.

My Favourite Part: The last two lines are fabulous! "She is the dark feminine yin, / She is Gaia's incarnation." These lines sum up the whole of the poem. The tone remains dark, but I feel like it's a sparkling kind of dark. I don't know if that makes sense?

Suggestions: Only one small typo: "To some she the goddess Venus." ~ I think it should be "she's the goddess Venus."

I absolutely love this poem. It really speaks to me. I love how you have interpreted the prompt for the contest, as well. It's creative and unique. Great job!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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509
509
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Seyi

*Vine2**Burstp* BE OUR GUEST *Burstb**Vine1*
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"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
Review Raid
*Vine2**Burstp**Burstb**Vine1*


I chose to review this short story because it was on the list of Disney/Fan fiction items for today's Power Raid.

Please take anything you find useful from my review and feel free to disregard the rest.

*StarV* As I first read through, I wondered where the story of Cinderella was going to take me. I knew it would be different to the original, but I didn't guess where I would end up. I must say, I really enjoyed reading this. It's one of those stories that has the reader laughing out loud a lot. I think this is an incredibly clever and unique take on the whole fairy tales genre. I love how Prince Charming gets his comeuppance at the end. That was genius.

*Starv* On the whole, you have used a lot of hyphens throughout this story. The first thing I would say is most of them should be em dashes ( — ), not hyphens. Also, these punctuation marks should really be used sparingly. A lot of the places you used them, commas or periods would be more suitable. This is an example: "You should have seen them when their new kitchen duties were announced- if their jaws had dropped any lower . . . " I would use a period here, rather than a hyphen.

*StarV* These are a few places I would change:

" 'I’m he luckiest girl in the world,' she thought." ~ It should be the.

"The said Prince Charming was also in his quarters," ~ Whilst this does make sense, it doesn't read smoothly, and it tripped me up on my first read. I would just say, "Prince Charming was in . . . "

"That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all say- dude" ~ This really confused me. Should it be day instead of say? If so, it should be a comma before dude, not a hyphen.

"You godmother will have our heads." ~ It should be your.

"Cinderella laughed and blushed prettily." ~ I'm just not sure how a person blushes prettily. "Her face turned pink" might fit better?

*Starv* These are my favourite parts. In general, I love the humour. The whole piece is funny. I love how you include four fairy tales in one. It had me smiling and chuckling the whole way through. I love that Prince Charming is a womaniser, with (at least) three previous wives. Wench magazine made me laugh! Also, the fact that Sleeping Beauty has had some plastic surgery done. That's brilliant. So funny.

I enjoyed reading this story. It's amusing and entertaining. I think you took an old idea and injected something new into it. Great job!

Choconut

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510
510
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Aurthor

*Vine2**Burstp* BE OUR GUEST *Burstb**Vine1*
A
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
Review Raid
*Vine2**Burstp**Burstb**Vine1*


I chose to review this chapter because it is listed on the items to review in today's Fan fiction/Disney Raid.

Please take anything you find useful from this review and feel free to disregard the rest.

*StarV* I was drawn to this piece because I am a huge Scooby Doo fan. In fact, my own dog (who is a black lab) speaks with the exact same voice of Scooby. Truly. As I began reading, I was super impressed with the details you included at the beginning of the story. The part where the gang are in the theatre audience is fantastic. You describe all the characters so well that it doesn't matter whether you've ever seen Scooby Doo, you can see them perfectly.

*Starv* For me, this is a story with two parts. The prose, I love. I think you have real talent. The whole thriller part, I'm afraid I wasn't keen on. Sorry. I appreciate you have written it to fit with the song and the movements from the video, but it comes across as bitty, and I found it hard to follow the action. There was too much going on. I also didn't really like the script form you switch to to tell this. I know why you did it, but for something so visual, you need to paint the picture for others. It was clear you could see it in our own mind, but I just didn't feel it translated to the page. At the end, where you return to prose, I really enjoyed it again.

*StarV* In general, my favourite part was the fine details you put into the prose. For example, "Yes, she thought, a slight smile playing on the corner of her mouth." That's a great description. I love it. Also, when introducing Daphne, you write, "one hand seemingly absent-mindedly straightened a few errant hairs that had escaped her otherwise immaculate hairdo." That's such a tiny detail, but it makes your writing pop off the page. However, my absolutely favourite part is when we first meet Scooby. He comes to life with the promise of breakfast: " 'Rah' it said, 'Reckrust.' " This really made me laugh. You capture the essence of Scooby perfectly.

*StarV* Just a couple of typos: " 'Maybe some pancakes' exclamed the boy." ~ It should be exclaimed.
Also, " 'So your the one . . . " ~ It should be you're.

You have a lot of talent, and I think your prose writing is excellent. On the whole, I really annoyed reading this story. I think it is a great job!

Choconut

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511
511
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi THANKFUL SONALI Now What?

*Vine2**Burstp* BE OUR GUEST *Burstb**Vine1*
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"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
Review Raid
*Vine2**Burstp**Burstb**Vine1*


I chose to review this gem as it was on the list of Disney/Fanfic items for the raid.

Please take whatever is useful from my review and feel free to disregard the rest.

*StarV* Wow. That is the word that first comes to mind. You know a LOT about Harry Potter. All the details you have included here are so impressive. You must have gone through the books, page by page, looking for questions. Again, wow.

*Starv* When I first clicked into this piece, I have to be honest, it wasn't what I was expecting. I thought it would be an actual quiz, that I could have a go at. So, initially, I was a little confused. Then, when I realised it is a list of previous questions you have set, I was a little disappointed. Just a little.

*Starv* I enjoyed reading through all the questions. I think I probably got about five right *Blush*. Even though I've read and watched them all.

This is an enjoyable page. Okay, so it's not the quiz I was expecting, but I was still able to test myself with the answers that are provided here. It's a clever, thorough Harry Potter homage.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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512
512
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Pamela Sue Bishop

I am reviewing this poem as part of "a very Wodehouse challenge" . This review is on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole purpose of helping you.

First Impressions: I was drawn to this poem because I found the title intriguing. The brief description, also, enticed me in. As I first read through, I found myself having many questions. It really is an interesting, little poem. I love the opening two lines: "studying the cloudless night sky / the moon smirks at me and I grin back." This made me feel relaxed and peaceful. Which, I think, is how you feel, when you think about how you are protected by your friend who (I think) has passed away. It appears you see your friend in the stars, in the pattern of Orion. You go on to say that your friend is your, "hunter and warrior." They always have your back. It's a comforting thought.

But in the last verse, the reader learns how your friend has been treated badly on earth. You have had to fight for them, and you will defend them still. At the end, you say you will raise them to the Heavens, where they will shine. This is like you will always make sure people know what a good (and wronged) person your friend was.

Voice/Tone: As mentioned above, the tone begins as light and relaxing and ends in much the same way. The image of shining and light runs through the whole poem, even through the parts where you are sad for what has happened. I think there is also a sense of regret at the end. Perhaps, regret that your friend died before you could stand up for them (?).

Mechanics: This poem is written in free verse, which works really well here. The lines read smoothly, and I love how you have omitted using any punctuation. It makes every line flow into the next really nicely. It has a natural rhythm that isn't forced.

My Favourite Part: I love these lines: "my silver bow and arrow smote / to banish that evil from your world." I could picture this really well. You, the warrior, taking out all who slander and hurt your friend. I love that image.

Suggestions: Just a little mistake. In the second verse, you write, "stung by the scorpions venom." It should be scorpion's or scorpions', depending on whether there was one or more of them. My other, more general, suggestion is to write more about this. I would love to read more. It feels like there is an intriguing story behind it.

I enjoyed reading your poem. It's well written and a fascinating read.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Jade Amber Jewel

I am happy to be reviewing your short story, "The 'Mean'tal Block"  on behalf of "Invalid Item" . I am reviewing you as you're part of April's "Invalid Item" . Congratulations!

My first thoughts: As I first read through, I was struck by the relationship between your two characters. It is written with warmth and a little humour, and I found the story very enjoyable.,

Plot: This is the story of Beedee and Fabio, two friends who are hanging out and helping each other with homework. It's a snapshot of their relationship. I think Beedee wants to be more than friends. I'm not sure Fabio feels the same way. Maybe he does.

I like how you worked the compulsory quote into the story. It's a clever and unique take on it. As this story takes place over the course of a few hours, I would say it's more of a vignette than a story. It's a snapshot of your characters' lives.

Characters: As mentioned above, I'm not sure whether Fabio wants anything more than friendship. But I like that because I think that's how Beedee feels as well. She is unsure of his intentions, although she knows her own feelings very well. I love how she is kind of shy around him, but at the same time they are completely relaxed together. You have captured nicely that feeling at the beginning of a relationship, when everything is magical. I really like this relationship, and it would be interesting to see where it leads.

What I liked: I love this line. It made me chuckle: " 'Fabio, I think you just broke the block into chunks.' I said, grinning." I ( as all writers) can relate to writer's block, so I know how frustrated Beedee must have been. I love this idea of smashing it to pieces.

Suggestions: In general, I struggled with the dialogue. Not with the content, but with how it's all bunched together. If you double-spaced between paragraphs, that would make it look more accessible. But, most importantly, when one person stops talking and another begins, start a new paragraph. I found it hard to follow who was saying what at times. It could easily be changed if you separated it.

Also, I have to query this sentence: " . . . I hate to admit it, but I wish I could have his eyes." Why does she hate to admit that? What is so wrong with it?

I enjoyed reading your story. It's warm and funny and has a happy ending that made me smile. Great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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514
514
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi ♥Hooves♥

This is your third review as part of your Chocolate Fudge Cake Package. It is in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers" 

*Starv* Oh, Hoovsie, I can totally relate to your fear of flying. It's not natural. It makes you feel ill, and you're confined in a tin can in close proximity with hundreds of other people. Not a fun experience. Plus, there is always a snotty nosed kid behind you alternately kicking your seat and screaming. No, not fun.

*StarV* Once again, I love the humour in your story. I think it's brilliant how you bring Liam Neeson out as the guy who completely ruined flying for you. Okay, you weren't a fan in the first place. But this guy, this menacing actor, had the power to ensure you landed safely, if you donated enough money to UNICEF. Now, don't get me wrong, it's a good cause, but he actually lauded the power of life and death over you. That is out of order. I love how you write, " "He's a former Academy Award nominee,' I muttered, under my breath." It's funny the way our minds work, isn't it?

*Starv* It made me chuckle when I read, "The flight attendants patted me on the head, stroked my horns, and gave me some tasty salted hay and cider." Salted hay and cider doesn't sound so bad. I've eaten worse *Laugh*. I also loved this line, which comes after you are focussing on Liam Neeson's words life and death and important: "These are not words you want to hear on an airliner dangling over the Atlantic Ocean." I laughed when I read that. I can imagine exactly how you must have felt. It's wrong that the airline used a public figure to badger already-frightened people into donating. A good cause, yes. Have people with buckets inside the airport. On a side note, we have a lot of UNICEF adverts on TV over here at the moment. I swear Liam Neeson is one of the people speaking on them.

*Starv* This is a story that I could relate to. I understand how scary flying can be. I understand how the slightest thing that happens can add to the fear. I will never understand people who love hanging in the air like that.

This story is entertaining and well written. I really enjoyed reading, as I did the other two items I reviewed for your package win. Now, which one shall I place the Awardicon on? Hmmm . . .

Choconut

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515
515
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi ♥Hooves♥

This is the second of your reviews for your Chocolate Fudge Cake Package. It is in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers" 

*Starv* Firstly, I have to say I am in love with Boo! She looks and sounds adorable. Since I was about three, I wanted a Basset Hound. Dad would never let me, though. We always had mongrels, until Alfie (who is a black lab). But I would still love a Basset Hound. One day I will get one.

*Starv* I had no idea Bassets eat everything they find. I can't believe Boo ate some rocks when she was younger. But the thing is, you can't be angry with them because they look so sorry, so guilty. Alfie eats everything as well. I thought it was just a labrador thing. He once ate two £20 notes! My hubby did not see the funny side of that. Also, when my Mum was alive, he ate the control to her hospital bed that we had been loaned by the NHS. That didn't go down too well.

*Starv* This story about Boo, though, this is fantastic. She is so clever, so naughty. I can't believe she stole the bread tie and stored it safely away for future use. *Laugh* She's brilliant! How could you not have her as the centre of your attention? That's just not on!

*Starv* I have to say, I love the fact that Boo has her own sun deck. She is slightly pampered. But, you know what? There's nothing wrong with loving your dog. I think it's funny how when you thought she ate the bread tie, you spent the whole time worrying, and Mr. Hooves was hardly worried at all. It's the same here. My hubby is only worried when it costs him money.

*Starv* I love this tale of a bread tie thief named Boo. She sounds so cool. I love the fact that she has her own sense of humour. I swear they know so much more than we give them credit for. Although, in Alfie's case, at least, they can be incredibly dumb at the same time. Like, what is the appeal of eating rocks?

This is a great story. It's written with warmth and humour and I love Boo!

Choconut

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Review of Beauty  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Cpgal1984

This is a Rising Stars Review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: I was intrigued by both your title and the brief description of this poem. As I first read through, I thought it was absolutely beautiful. It is written simply, with just a few lines and words, but your love and your feelings of tenderness and happiness shine through. I love it.

*Starv* Mechanics: This is written in free verse, which is perfect because it allows you the freedom to express your emotions. It means you aren't restricted to getting a certain amount of syllables or the right pattern of stresses in the lines. That's what I love about free verse. You have used it to your advantage in this poem.

*Starv* Rhythm: There is a wonderful, natural rhythm to this poem. It's like the poem consists of three sentences, three thoughts, three breaths. It makes it feel very intimate and light. It makes a lovely change to read something that is pure and so full of a love. I tend to read a lot of darker material, so it really is a treat to read this.

*Starv* My Favourite Part: The whole poem is beautiful. But these two lines are my favourite part:

"There is no chill in the air,
For you are with me."

I love that. Nothing else matters, no chill or pain is felt because the narrator is basked in the warmth of her partner's love. That makes me feel nostalgic and warm inside.

*Starv* Suggestions: This is just a small niggle: "I tip toe quietly out into the summer night." I'm not sure you need to write out here. I don't think you need two prepositions. It would read a little more smoothly without out.

*Starv* Final Thoughts: This is a lovely, little poem. It's a beautiful tribute to your husband and it has a wonderful feeling of happiness and lightness. It is a delight to read, and it made a really nice change from the darker, more depressing kind of material I usually read. I love it.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Twisted  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Black Widow

This is a Rising Stars Member 2 Member Review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: Wow. That's the first word that went through my head when I read this. I love dark poetry, it's my favourite genre, and this poem did not disappoint. As I first read through, I thought it was a cleverly written poem, with different sections that work together to tell a story. Your first line is a great hook: "Traumatic times and violent blows." I had no choice but to read on after this!

*Starv* Mechanics: This poem is free verse. It doesn't have a set structure, but at the same time, it kind of does. Does that make sense? You have three verses of four lines, all with an aabb rhyme scheme (although I'm not entirely sold on thing rhyming with dreams). In these four verses, the syllabic count is pretty much the same. These verses read more slowly than the others, and they explain your feelings, and the fact that you feel you are twisted. By the way, I don't know if this is how you really feel, or how you have felt in the past, but I don't think you're twisted. If you have an illness, that is all it is. An illness.

The two larger verses are the ones that move much more quickly. I love the change of tempo, particularly in the second one. It begins with, "I'm running down / the dimly-lit corridors" and it really does feel as though you are running through this part. The rhymes are great in this section. Added together with the shorter lines, the feeling the reader gets is one of panic and desperation. I love how you've written this.

*Starv* Rhythm: I covered most of the rhythm in the above section. But, I want to say, you have written this really smartly. The slower verse, stating your feelings and the treatments you are given, followed by your mind racing, and you trying to process everything, is wonderful.

*Starv* My Favourite Part: It's hard to pick one favourite part. I love the poem as a whole. I love your structuring. These lines, though, are fantastic: "Chronic neurotic; /Some say I’m demonic."

*Starv* Suggestions: This is only a thought. If you took out all punctuation, I think the lines would flow and trip into one another in more chaotic kind of way. With poetry, you have the scope to be a little more experimental, in general. One rule, though, it's usually all or nothing. I wouldn't take out some of the punctuation.

One nitpicky point. The line, "Happiness is just a scary thing." The word just isn't poetic. I appreciate you wanted to get the syllabic count right, but maybe you could try something like, "Happiness isn't all it seems." That way, the rhyme with dreams is better, too.

*Starv* Final Thoughts: I love this poem. Your writing is beautiful. I love it when I read a newbie who has as much talent as you. It makes me excited to see what you write in the future. This is a really great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Castle Memories  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Angel

This is a Rising Stars Member 2 Member Review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* My first impressions: I really like this. Before I started reading, I imagined an entirely different story to the one I found. As I started reading, I got lost in the mystery. You did a great job of foreshadowing that something terrible would happen to your character, I just wasn't sure what. That was nicely done.

*Starv* Plot: The bones of a murdered child (Alison) are uncovered in the grounds of a castle (or, maybe, just nearby the castle, I'm not sure). The story is narrated by the dead child, which is a clever way to write this. All the information the reader is given comes from this murdered child. I'm not sure how long she has been dead, but her memory is hazy, which makes her recollections a little unreliable. They are also the memories of a child, which adds to this fragile testimony. That said, Alison is a strong character and her story is horrific. Whilst playing Hide & Seek with her siblings, she hid in a cave. An evil man who lived in that cave murdered her. It kind of reminded me a little of "The Lovely Bones" (which I loved!). I like how you didn't give the exact details of what happened to Alison. We didn't didn't need them. I think we can all imagine.

*Starv* Setting: The castle is the main focus of the setting. It sees all and has a memory of its own. It knows what happened to Alison. I love how, when her bones are dug up, she, "can see daylight and the castle." The castle is really important to the little girl.

*Starv* Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: I got a little tangled up when I read this line: "We would play there, what were their names now, my brothers and my sister, Sally, Tom and Ed I believe." I think it would sound better if you broke the sentence up a little. Like: "We would play there, my brothers, sister and I. What were their names now? . . . Sally, Tom, and Ed. That's right." Just a suggestion.

*Starv* My Favourite Part: "I can see daylight and the castle again as someone softly brushes the dirt from my face." I love that image of tenderness from the archaeologist. Of course, they have to be soft and gentle to preserve the bones, but it feels really loving here.

*Starv* Suggestions: There are a few run-on sentences. For example, "Today somebody did find me, I wonder how, but for the first time in years, I can see daylight and the castle again as someone softly brushes the dirt from my face." Whilst I love the content of this sentence, I feel it needs to be split up a little. For example, "I don't know how, but today somebody did find me. For the first time in years, I can see daylight again. The bristles of the brush are soft against my bones as someone brushes the dirt from my face." Again, this is just a suggestion.

*Starv* Final thoughts: I really like this piece. It's original and really clever. Your descriptions are wonderful, and the characterisation of the dead child is really well written. This is a great piece!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Sleeping Partner  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Rakkit

This is a Rising Stars Member 2 Member Review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* My first impressions: This is an interesting piece of flash fiction. I see your prompt was "See what you made me do," and I love the direction you took this. It's unique and clever and not at all what I was expecting from the title.

*Starv* Plot: There are a couple of scenes. I'm not sure where the couple are, or who they are (that is all left to the reader's imagination), but the woman is not happy with her husband. As I first read through, I thought how nasty and unfair she was towards him. The couple are somewhere extremely cold, and they have run out of logs for the fire and food, I think. Then in the next scene, the woman awakes and is warm. But, it's not so good because she is only warm due to the bear (I think) that's sleeping next to her, in her husband's spot. When I first read that, I thought the woman was getting her just desserts for being mean. But then, we realise her husband is hiding and running away, with no intention of helping her. Maybe it was this cowardice that made her so mean to him.

I love how the bear stirs with the woman's loud voice, and she blames it on her husband. I was kind of back on the hubby's side again when I read that. Actually, I don't think either of them are nice characters. I think you've shown us their characters really well for such a short piece of writing. We find out a lot about their personalities

*Starv* Setting: I'm not exactly sure where this is set. It's really cold. I imagine a log cabin with no facilities. Or maybe they're in another age, or another world. I'm not sure. In my mind, I'm thinking log cabin, though. I don't think the setting is all that important. This is more a study of characters.

*Starv* My Favourite Part: "My eyes followed the sound to see my husband’s shadow huddled against a corner away from the full moon’s light shining through the cracked window. His wide, frightened eyes caught the light." I love this description of the frightened husband. This is where my opinion of him changed.

*StarV* Suggestions: I just spotted one typo. At least, I think it's a typo. "Arms much larger than my diminutive husband hugged me against a massive body that rose in fell in the deep breaths of sleep." I would think it should be "rose and fell."

*Starv* Final thoughts: I really enjoyed this piece of flash fiction. It's creative and really well written. You managed to show the reader so much of these two characters. To do that in just 300 words is very clever. Great job!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of The Seasons  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Espero

This is a Rising Stars Member 2 Member Review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: I really like how this poem flows. As I first read through, I was impressed by how the pace of the poem keeps it moving at a great rate. It was easy to read and easy to understand. There are some lovely images, as well.

*Starv* Mechanics: There are seven verses, each with four lines and an aabb ccdd, etc. rhyme scheme. It's this rhyme that keeps the poem moving so fluidly. I have to say, I'm in awe of how easily you seem to have written the rhymes. I really struggle with any kind of structured poetry, but this poem seems to have been effortless for you. (I could be wrong there!)

*Starv* Rhythm: Each line has eight syllables, and the meter is even. This means the poem reads smoothly. There is one place I felt it wasn't quite so smooth:

"Dance, little leaves of brown and gold," ~ The meter is slightly different here, by using the word little. I stumbled over it on my first read-through. But now I know how it's supposed to sound, it sounds fine.

*Starv* My Favourite Part: There are some beautiful images in here. I love, "Re-paints you with its fingertip." This is describing the changing of colour in the leaves. It's such a pretty way of looking at it. I also love, "Transforming landscape with her hand." This personification of nature works really nicely.

*Starv* Suggestions: I felt you focussed mostly on winter and and autumn, and just a few lines were used to discuss spring and summer. It would be nice to have another verse, expanding on the beauty of these two seasons.

*Starv* Final Thoughts: This is a beautifully written poem about the four seasons. I love the way you personify Mother Nature, giving the reader lots of wonderful images of nature at work. It's a lovely reflection, and it reads really well. Great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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521
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi CeruleanSon

*Shamrock* You are being Raided in the Ides of March "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  RAID! *Gold*


Please remember these views are purely my own. You may do whatever you want with them.

First Impressions: I love the story this poem tells. It weaves cleverly through each verse, until we reach the punchline at the end and find out it's the narrator's wife who is the "Banshee Queen" yelling at him to get to work. This really made me laugh. I love the opening to this poem. "'Tis twilight on the Emerald Isle" has such a warm and relaxing feeling. It drew me in instantly.

Voice/Tone: I know this sounds odd, but the poem really does sound Irish. The lightness, the dialect, the whole feeling of it is Irish. Does that make sense? I know it's what you were aiming for, and it really works. The humour in this poem is spot on. I love this verse, which describes the man's wife:

"Her hair is flame, her eyes black coals
Her mouth is open wide
The voice that issues from that hole
Is cause to wish I'd died."

I can picture this red-headed, crazy looking woman screaming at her lazy husband to work. I can picture his fear of her. That's the really funny part.

Mechanics: There are seven verses of four lines, all with an abab home scheme. I love how this rhyme helps the poem flow at a great pace. It's skips lightly across the page.

Rhythm: The syllables in each verse seem to be 8,6,8,6. This also helps the poem have a moving rhythm. There are a couple of places it doesn't sound quite right, though:

"When me peace is broken." The meter is slightly different here than other lines. It's the word broken that breaks the flow a little.

I also stumbled over these lines on my first read through:

"'Round and around me tree they fly
Words o' pow'r, loud and clear."

They do fit the syllabic count, but around sounds better if it's round. In my opinion. I also stumbled a little with the dialect in the second line. It does work, and it does make sense. It was just when I first read it, it brought me momentarily out of the poem.

My Favourite Part: "'Seamus, you shiftless so-and-so" / (See, I'm paraphrasin')'" I love this! I can picture the whole scene. You paint a vivd and colourful picture. The whole poem is funny. As mentioned at the start, I love the story within the poem. It's a really great job!

Keep on writing!

Choconut

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522
522
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi ☮ The Grum Of Grums

*Shamrock* You are being Raided in the Ides of March "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  RAID! *Gold*


I'm really enjoying reading so many limericks for this Irish-themed raid. Yours are no exception.

*StarG* I have never succeeded in writing a successful limerick, so I'm always appreciative when I read the ones on WDC. In this item, you have eight limericks that all read as though they were written with ease. Maybe they were. Either way, I'm kind of in awe.

*Starg* The key elements of limericks are that they have an aacca rhyme scheme and that they are a joke, with the last line being the punchline that pulls it all together. You have accomplished this really well with all your limericks. They all made me chuckle.

*Starg* I especially like the two "High Finance" limericks that followed on from one another. It would be really interesting to see a poem made up of four or five limericks, all weaved together. That would be difficult to write, but it could be awesome if it worked.

*StarG* My favourite limerick here is "Gossip." It made me think of William and Kate. The punchline on this one is great: "but it’s spreading like wildfire on Twitter." It's very topical, and also a really clever rhyme.

I throughly enjoyed reading these limericks. They are witty and entertaining: everything limericks should be!

Choconut

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Review of Uplifting!  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon

*Shamrock* You are being Raided in the Ides of March "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  RAID! *Gold*


*StarG* Firstly, most importantly, I love how your mind works! For so few words, this limerick had me laughing out loud. My hubby asked what was so funny, so I read this to him and he roared, too. It's brilliant!

*StarG* I love how you thought to rhyme Niagra with Viagra. I would never have thought of that. I would never have thought there was anything that rhymed with Viagra. That's clever.

*StarG* My favourite line is the punchline in line five: "'It cures the condition that sags ya!'" I love it! It's so funny. I love how the last line brings the whole joke together, just as it is supposed to do in a limerick. The thing that is so funny about this poem is I can picture it (the man proudly boasting, that is—not anything else!).

As always, it has been a pleasure to read your work. I know I will read lots more in the future.

Choconut

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524
524
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi willwilcox

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E].

This review is part of "Queen of Comedy Challenge" 

My first thoughts: I love it! Those are my first thoughts. I was completely hooked (see what I did there?) through the whole story. At first, I found myself immersed in the beach, college party scene. I could imagine the sunshine and warmth. Then, I was intrigued as to who was dragging your character out to see, and then I was intrigued by how could the fishermen think he was a fish? The policeman, too. It's a story that kept shifting the boundaries, and I really enjoyed that.

Plot: In the summer of love, a college kid attends the Psycho Beach Party. The name should have told him to stay away, but he was young: he just wanted to see girls in bikinis and have some fun. He goes swimming in the sea, and suddenly finds himself dragged further out to sea, unable to stop whatever is dragging him. When he finally understands what is happening, it's like a really bizarre bad dream. He has been "caught" by two fishermen, who are convinced he's a giant-sized marlin. Who just happens to talk. At the end of the story, the reader thinks the guy will get help because a policeman shows up and asks what's happening. But, in the end, he just takes a photo of the guy and the fishermen. Nobody thinks it odd that a giant fish can talk. That's brilliant! There was a point in the story where I thought maybe he was a fish. But I don't think that's the case. Maybe be the Psycho Beach Party unleashed a bunch of psychos into the community. Fishing psychos, or something.

Characters: I feel for the lad who is hooked. He's young and has two things only on his mind: girls and parties. The whole reason he gets caught by the fishermen is because he's chasing two girls out to sea. I love how you show us this lad being resigned to his fate at the end. He contemplates being stuffed and hung on a wall. That made me chuckle.

The two fishermen are wonderful characters. They work together as a team so well. I love their dialogue. It makes them so much more real. I also love that one of them is called Newt. That's genius. The policeman made me laugh. He just goes along with the illusion and ends up taking a photo of the fishermen with their "catch." So funny!

Grammar: Your grammar is excellent. There is only one place I would change (I only mention this because I'm taking the Comma Sense class at the moment, and I've just learned about this).

" . . . but because I couldn’t see the beach anymore, or hear the sound of breaking waves." There shouldn't be a comma before or because it is a coordinating conjunction linking a clause and a phrase.

What I liked: "I was in water up to my neck, spinning around like a buoyant ballerina on tiptoes, the theme song from 'Jaws' playing over and over in my head . . . " This is brilliant. These are wonderful descriptions that paint such a funny picture. I love your humour throughout the whole story. I love the originality of the piece. I have no idea how you come up with your ideas. I love your imagination.

I really enjoyed reading this story. It kept me entertained and intrigued the whole way through. When we reach the end, and it looks as though help is in sight for your main character, we expect a rational resolution. That's not what we get, though. The story ends with a crazy policeman joining the cast of characters. I love it. Great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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525
525
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon

This review is for "Queen of Comedy Challenge" . It is on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E].

My first thoughts: As I began reading this, I wasn't sure where you would take it. I wondered if, maybe, Doris would push Jim off the ski lift to enact revenge for such a horrible holiday. But you were much more subtle than that, leaving the punchline until the end. I love how you wrote this! It's laugh-out-loud funny.

Plot: A holiday to celebrate twenty-five years of marriage. The husband choosing to take his wife skiing, much to her chagrin. They are in a ski lift which stops moving. You really keep the reader guessing about what will happen. To be at the top of a broken-down ski lift is such a vulnerable place to be. Anything could happen, and you create suspense by showing Doris and Jim bickering. Will one of them lose it and push the other to their death? No. You chose a much more original, funny outcome. Doris's revenge is to say she cleans the toilets when she is stressed. Jim doesn't understand how this could help until Doris explains, "I use your toothbrush." Oh, that had me laughing hard! I did not see that coming. I love how the ski lift starts moving again the moment of the revelation.

Characters: Doris . . . I love that woman! I wasn't too sure about her at the start. When she complained about everything, I thought maybe she was a bit of a whiner. But she went right up in my estimations with the toothbrush revelation. There are few better ways to get revenge on a husband whose idea of romance is spending a week in freezing temperatures with a sport that could break your neck.

Jim . . . I liked him at the start. He seems excited to be on holiday with his wife. He appreciates the beauty of the location. But then, you start to show him as being not wholly good. When the ski lift stops, he says he hopes it's a snowboarder caught in the gears. "'You’ve seen the way those little s***s whiz by us, cutting us off. Yesterday one circled me laughing. I hope it’s him.'" I think he really means it. That's why the ending is so good. He deserves everything he gets.

What I liked: All of it! I love the bickering. I'm sure most people who have been married for twenty-five years can relate to this. To the whole piece. The best part is the reveal. I wonder whether Doris really did use his toothbrush. Could she be that mean? Hmmm. I think she could!

Suggestions: This is a tiny, picky thing. When they are stuck, you write, "Sigh. 'We're still not moving.'" The contest is dialogue only, and the sigh isn't dialogue. It doesn't affect how good the piece is, but it's just a small thing about the contest.

I love this story. It's really funny. What makes it so funny is how relatable the characters are. If we're honest. I really enjoyed reading it. Great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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