\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/purplesunday/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/24
Review Requests: OFF
2,186 Public Reviews Given
2,205 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.
I'm good at...
I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.
Favorite Genres
Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.
Least Favorite Genres
Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.
Favorite Item Types
Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.
Least Favorite Item Types
Chapters from the middle of books.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 20 21 22 23 -24- 25 26 27 28 29 ... Next
576
576
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi amy-Finally writing a novel. Author Icon

This review is on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window..

Firstly, I apologise this has taken me a few days to do. Nano and Rising Stars Have been pretty full on this week!

*Starv* I love the concept for this raffle. The idea that we can use the prize to do something nice for another member of WDC is a good one. At this time of year, especially.

*Starv* In terms of typos, I did spot a couple of things. "I always have my shopping done by now and thought that I could help with your shopping done." Should it be "with getting your shopping done"? Also, "There are so many things right here to give as Christmas gift." You missed the s off the end of gift.

*Starv* At the end of your description, you write, "I'm sure you can find something the one you love will love." It reads a little off. Rather than using the word love twice, maybe you could say something like, "I'm sure you will find something fabulous for the one you love." Just a suggestion.

*Starv* The other thing is how this looks on the page. You may well have ideas for adding pictures or colours, I'm not sure. But it would be more striking, and grab people's attention more, if there were bold colours. Green and red are perfect for Christmas and the holidays. Also, if there were festive pictures, or at least a festive banner at the top of the page, it would be really eye-catching.

*Starv* The actual raffle itself, I love. I will definitely purchase some tickets.

I hope this is of help. If you have any questions, drop me a line.

Choconut

Signature for WDC Power Reviewers - Captain
577
577
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi WakeUpAndLive Author Icon

This is a Rising Stars Member 2 Member Review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* My first impressions: This is an interesting story. It took me in a completely different direction to the one I was expecting. I thought there might be a giant fish that Mark would have to battle with. I was not expecting a siren to lure him to his death.

*Starv* Plot: This is a short story about a high powered businessman who has a layover between flights of twenty-four hours. So he decides to go fishing for a fish called the Longnose Gar. It's a giant fish, and the reader expects the plot to follow a killer fish, or something like that. But when Mark catches the fish, he throws it back in the water with no trouble. Until he sees the beautiful face of a woman; pulling him into the water with invisible strings. Only, once she has her cold, slimy arms around him, her face turns to a skull, and he dies. I love the plot twist. I would never have guessed that was coming. It's an unusual and unique story. One point with regards to the fish. It s a key part of the story, and we know that it's big. But the only other description is that it's beautiful. This is generic description, and for people like me (who know nothing about fishing), it would be good to have a description of its colours and patterns.

*Starv* Setting: I like the setting. I could picture the water, the rocky landscape, the little island. It's pretty. Although, I did wonder if the businessman wore his suit onto the muddy island.

*Starv* Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: On the whole, this is good. One tiny point. "He was good at his work, having a PhD in Arts and Business Administration he was well aware of his own qualities." The comma here is a comma splice. It should be a semi colon. Or, even, a full stop.

*Starv* My Favourite Part: "A loud, chattering laugh rang through the wilderness, and all was still again. The Lorelei of the Indians had made yet another victim." These two ending lines are brilliant. I chuckled when I read these. The "loud, chattering laugh," is wonderfully creepy.

*Starv* Suggestions: I have one general suggestion. There are a few times in this piece where you write in the passive voice. For example, "The image was so overwhelming Mark almost fainted." Maybe, instead of using "was", you could write something like, "Mark's head spun with excitement when he saw the stunning woman." Something like that, anyway. But try not to use the passive voice.

*Starv* Final thoughts: I enjoyed this short story. It's fun, interesting, and different to anything I've read before. I think you've done a really good job.

Keep writing!

Choconut

My beautiful Rising Stars sig.
** Image ID #1940849 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
578
578
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Espero Author Icon

This is a Rising Stars Member 2 Member Review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* My first impressions: I assume this short story was written for a contest with a word restriction? I enjoyed the story as I first read through. I love how the guest steals the paperweight. She seems to be a it of a professional when it comes to stealing things.

*Starv* Plot: This is set leading up to, and during, a debutante ball for Alicia Connors, who is both beautiful and educated. But the story isn't actually about her; it's about one of the guests. Martha Livingston, who seems to be a bit of a jewel thief, attends the party, and steals an expensive paperweight. I like the plot a lot. It works really well. It would have been good to learn more about the characters, though. For example, you hint at a romance between two of the staff. It would have been nice to see them in their Downton Abbey-ish roles. But if this was written for a flash fiction contest, I appreciate the constraints.

*Starv* Setting: This is set at Valley View Manor. I love this name! There's something so grand and glamorous about it. Great choice! Again, more description would have been good. I would have loved to know the colours in the magnificent ballroom, the bookcases in the library, the drive leading up to the manor. There is so much you could have written here, if you could have used more words.

*Starv* My Favourite Part: The characterisation. The slices of each person you give us are wonderful. My favourite is this: " Nellie Murphy, a stocky, brassy woman, was already barking orders in her kitchen." I love that description. I can picture her, and hear her in command of the kitchen. The plot is also brilliant. I like the way it takes a different path to the one the reader expects at the beginning.

*Starv* Suggestions: Try to be careful about using adjectives and adverbs. For example, you say, "the elegant crystal glass Baccarat yellow camomile paperweight." That's quite a mouthful. Also, at one point you say Martha Livingston said something viciously. Maybe you could use the verb spat instead?

*Starv* Final thoughts: This is an enjoyable read. It made me chuckle , and it surprised me. I would love to read more about Valley View Manor and it inhabitants.

Keep writing!

Choconut

My beautiful Rising Stars sig.
** Image ID #1940849 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
579
579
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Flowerw* This is a review from "WdC Kind HeartsOpen in new Window. *Flowerw*


Hi Jimmy E. Durham, RN-BC Author Icon

Please remember these are purely my views and advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful. This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' ReviewersOpen in new Window.

First Impressions: What an intriguing, original, funny story. Those are my first thoughts regarding this piece. I love how completely whacky Michelle's neighbours all are, in their own way. It makes me wonder what is wrong with Michelle, that she doesn't run away, in fear of her life!

Plot: This is a humorous look at the various neighbours who inhabit the street that Michelle has bought a house on. It's not so much a story (as in, there's not a plot as such), but it's more of a slice of (crazy) life.

Setting: There isn't a great deal of description with regards to the setting. I felt you could have given us more details. For example, what kind of houses are there? Are they stone, brick, wooden? Detached, terraced? Richly decorated? Is the street a tree lined piece of land? Those kinds of details would help the reader to visualise where the story is taking place.

Characters: The characters are definitely the stars of the show! This story is all about the characters. I love how we meet them through Michelle's eyes. I find it a little odd how the entire street seems to be obsessed with prostitution. Very odd, actually. I wonder where this is set.

The first neighbour we meet is Sherry. Sherry is a married nymphomaniac whose first thoughts toward Michelle are, "Here is someone I can go forth and take part in prostitution with." That really made me chuckle. I love how frightened Michelle was of her. I think I would have been terrified! Then, we have one-eyebrowed Walt, and his wife and daughters. The story of Walt shaving his eyebrow, but not wanting to shave the other to match it because it would take twice as long to grow back, with both brows missing, is hilarious. I've met one or two people in my time who would probably think the same way! It did strike me as odd that all the neighbours mentioned prostitution at some point. I wonder what kind of street Michelle has moved to.

My favourite part: Walt's eyebrow story. I love how he didn't think anyone would notice that he only had one - like it was completely normal.

I loved the humour in this story. The characters are great, although, I wouldn't object to meeting a few more of them. You write with warmth, and I like that. A really good piece.

Keep writing!

Choconut

Reviewer of the Month December 2015 Kind Hearts
A signature for Quills winners to use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
580
580
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Flowerw* This is a review from "WdC Kind HeartsOpen in new Window. *Flowerw*


Hi AnxiousAli Author Icon

Please remember these are purely my views and advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful. This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' ReviewersOpen in new Window.

First Impressions: I was drawn to this short story by the title and brief description. I have a fear of flying, so this idea of reading about the fatal crash of the plane, and flight, you are about to board was intriguing. As I first read through, I found myself yelling (in my head) at Lucy to stop the flight, or at least stay in the toilets. Just not board. So when she finally allowed herself to be ushered aboard, I despaired. Although, I realise she knew what was about to happen, and she was prepared, and happy, to accept it.

Plot: This is the story of a woman who is scared of flying. She is about to board a flight to New York with her boyfriend (who has been emotionally abusive toward her for years). She is trying to distract herself by reading things on her iPad. Then she sees it: the story of Aer Lingus, Flight E1301 to New York. It has crashed above the Atlantic, killing all on board. That would freak me out if I were about to board a plane. But then, she realises the article is written an hour from when she's boarding, and that the flight details are her own. The question is what should she do? Cause a scene and stop the flight? Hide in the toilets, and do nothing, just let everyone else board? Board the plane, and cause a fuss? Board the plane, and do nothing? She opts for the last choice (which, incidentally, would have been my last choice!). I didn't understand why she was prepared to die. If she wanted to get away from her boyfriend, whilst making him pay, why didn't she just stay in the toilets? I found that a bit odd.

The whole story is set against the metaphor of a raindrop, and the lifecycle of raindrops. I like this, I think it works really well.

Setting: This is set in a airport, and aboard an aeroplane. Immediately, that's a scary setting, for me. There wasn't a whole lot of detail about the setting, but that wasn't necessary - we've all been to airports; we know what they're like.

Characters: I love the main character. You have written her really well. She sees herself as a submissive slave to her boyfriend, Mark. She is downtrodden, always does as she's told. Which is why this piece of information she has, that Mark doesn't know, is so important to her. It's why, I think, she decides to board the plane, and say nothing. She has the upper hand. I like that. Even if she does die.

Suggestions: "I make my down the lonely tunnel towards the open door of the plane." You missed out the word way.

My favourite part: The end, where you write, "He grabs hold of me, holding on for dear life, and I smile at him." I love her calmness, her wickedness. I think it is probably deserved. I love the raindrop metaphor. I also love how you keep the reader hooked right to the end. We don't know what Lucy is going to do, or whether the news reports are real. You do a great job of making the story suspenseful.

I really enjoyed reading this. It's a unique idea, and it's well written. Nice work.

Keep writing!

Choconut

Reviewer of the Month December 2015 Kind Hearts
A signature for Quills winners to use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
581
581
Review of The Lesson  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Flowerw* This is a review from "WdC Kind HeartsOpen in new Window. *Flowerw*


Hi Rune Cutter Author Icon

Please remember these are purely my views and advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful. This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' ReviewersOpen in new Window.

First Impressions: I love this! That was my first impression. I love the point you are making (I've never really been one for the rules), and I love the humour you use to make your point. Brilliant. Really enjoyable.

Plot: A teacher despairs of her student, who does not care for the rules of writing. Charles, the student, wants to make the point that great writers, and great people, throughout history have managed without sticking rigidly to a bunch of rules written over a hundred years ago. The teacher gets increasingly angry with the student's words: "I could be, I might be." This is always in response to her saying he is no Shakespeare, Lincoln, etc. At the end, when the student tells the teacher she is not the poet she used to be, and she replies, "I could be, I might be," I laughed out loud. This is so clever, and so funny. I love how it all came full circle.

I also really like how you have told the story, pretty much, through dialogue only. This isn't easy to do, but you have done it incredibly well, and held the reader's interest all the way through.

Characters: At the beginning, I thought Charles was precocious, and I didn't like him much. But as the story moved on, I was swayed by his argument. Yes, he is precocious, but he makes a valid point. The teacher, however, increasingly annoyed me. She refused to allow her student to express his views, and was very closed down, in terms of listening to him.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: This is good. One tiny thing: "You were good; you wrote anyway you wanted." I would say anyway should be two words here. But, hey, I'm not going to try to force any rules on you!

My favourite part: I learned something! The OED was first published in 1888. I never knew that. I love learning little factoids like that. The end was my favourite part, though. The teacher finally understands what Charles has been saying to her. She has learned her lesson, from her student. The tables are reversed, which is kind of the point, I think.

I really enjoyed reading this. It's entertaining, whilst making a wonderful point about how following rules exactly does not necessarily mean good things are produced.

Keep writing!

Choconut

Reviewer of the Month December 2015 Kind Hearts
A signature for Quills winners to use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
582
582
Review of Not again!  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Flowerw*This is a review from "WdC Kind HeartsOpen in new Window.*Flowerw*


Hi Saloni Author Icon

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is done so with the intention of helping you to grow as a writer. This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' ReviewersOpen in new Window.

First Impressions: This is a powerful poem. You write eloquently of the heartbreak and confusion that being in love with the wrong person can cause. When I first started reading, I thought maybe this man has physically abused you. But I may have misunderstood that. I think the physical scars are metaphorical.

Voice/tone: The tone is serious and desperate. It's a sad poem. It's like this guy has a hold on you; he can treat you terribly, yet when he comes back, you accept him with open arms. I've sooo been there! I found your poem very relatable.

Mechanics: This is a free verse poem, which I really like. Free verse gives you the ability to be creative with your words, and with your feelings. It works really well.

Rhythm: On the whole, the rhythm is good. There are moments where it's a little choppy. For example, "I know in this, there is just loss no gain.." This line, I couldn't get straight in my head. Could you maybe say something like, "I know this only leads to pain?" It keeps the rhyme, and it reads more smoothly. There are other moments like this, where I felt the overall rhythm was lost a little. My advice is to read it aloud, see how it sounds.

My favourite part: I love the first line: "After you broke me into pieces." This line is incredibly emotive. It feels so sad, so lonely. It's a wonderful hook, which made me want to read on until the end of the poem.

Suggestions: I wonder what the "horrible sight" is that you're trying to protect yourself from? That line kind of stood out as not quite making sense.

I'm assuming this is written from personal experience (it reads as though it is). So I really hope you are able to resist his charms, and to remember you don't need him. I really like this poem. I think you have done a great job.

Keep writing!

Choconut

Reviewer of the Month December 2015 Kind Hearts
Image #2083210 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
583
583
Review of A freak accident  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Flowerw* This is a review from "WdC Kind HeartsOpen in new Window. *Flowerw*


Hi WakeUpAndLive Author Icon

Please remember these are purely my views and advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful. This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' ReviewersOpen in new Window.

First Impressions: I was intrigued to read this story. Your brief introduction had me wondering what has happened to this woman. As I read through, I actually thought the guy would turn out to be innocent. I was very wrong about that!

Plot: A man calls the police to say he has found his girlfriend dead. He is suspicious, but the police have no concrete reason to hold him, so they let him go. I'm not sure they would do that. At least, not without formally interviewing him first - especially in these circumstances. But anyway, in the end, we discover that the man is guilty. He and his girlfriend have murdered this woman, so that they can be together.

Setting: We didn't get a lot of description for the setting. It wasn't key to the story, but it would have been nice to give the reader a little background information.

Characters: I found the part where neighbours are discussing the victim and her husband a little off-putting. I wasn't sure how many people were there at first, and when the red-haired lady walked off, I wasn't sure who she was. It felt a little muddled, if I'm honest. You did, however, do a wonderful job of making me dislike the murderer and his mistress.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: A few typos I spotted: " . . . the dog hoovering over her body." It should be hovering. Also, "I’ve never hear her say anything about being sick." It should be heard. Lastly, "From a distance a detective in plain cloths was watching them." It should be clothes.

Suggestions: When you are showing the detective's thoughts, you write them in the third person. So, for example, you say, "Was he telling the truth? the officer thought . . . " When you do this, you go into "storyteller mode", and the reader is very aware that they are being told a story, which they are outside of. If you changed it to, "Is he telling the truth?" it keeps the reader inside the detective's head, therefore, inside the story.

My favourite part: I love that the detective is watching them at the end, knowing their time together is numbered. I also love how the red-haired woman is so nonchalant when speaking to the neighbours. I had no idea she would be a part of the murder.

I enjoyed this story. I feel if it was made a bit longer, and we could learn more about motive, and characterisation, it would be great.

Keep writing!

Choconut

Reviewer of the Month December 2015 Kind Hearts
Image #2083210 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
584
584
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Flowerw* This is a review from "WdC Kind HeartsOpen in new Window. *Flowerw*


Hi WakeUpAndLive Author Icon

Please remember these are purely my views and advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful. This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' ReviewersOpen in new Window.

First Impressions: This story is fascinating. Dreadful, horrific, but so intriguing. After reading this, I googled the name, and I was shocked to find it's a true story. But I had to read it. I must admit, on my first read through of your story, I was not expecting the ending. The child in the cage filled me with horror, and how she was sold to this creepy, cloaked man also. But then, to have have the dead children in the back room, ready to be used for the woman's witch doctoring potions . . . I was shocked.

Plot: This is the true story of a witch doctor in Barcelona, at the beginning of the twentieth century. She procures children to sell as slaves, and those who aren't sold she kills and uses for her potions. I love how you reveal this right at the end, and we have no idea what is to come beforehand (or, at least, I didn't). This makes the twist even more shocking.

Setting: I love the dark streets, cloaked people, and midnight meetings. It all gives a creepy feeling to the story; the reader feels something terrible is about to happen. We just don't know what.

Characters: I was drawn to the woman, intrigued by her. Partly because she is described as a witch doctor (which is interesting in itself), but also because she creates a stir wherever she goes. People whisper about her, giggle behind their hands. Her work is carried out at midnight. I felt sympathy for her before I reached the end. I thought people were being prejudiced, and maybe the woman was disfigured, or something that would make her stand out. I did not think she was a child killer.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: A couple of typos I spotted: " A few people starred at her . . . " It should be stared. Also, "She took him inside and let him into the basement." It should be led.

My favourite part: I really like the whole piece. I love how you make the reader feel sympathy for the woman. You make her seem misunderstood; I think it's because we always try to see the good in people. This makes the ending so much more horrific. In particular, the part where she grinds up the bones of the children to put in potions.

I really like this story. So much that I googled the woman, and read all about her. I love your characterisation, and storytelling skills. Great job!

Keep writing!

Choconut

Reviewer of the Month December 2015 Kind Hearts
Image #2083210 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
585
585
Review of Breathe  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Flowerw* This is a review from "WdC Kind HeartsOpen in new Window. *Flowerw*


Hi Izzy's Writing Author Icon

Please remember these are purely my views and advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful. This review is in affiliation with "The Newbies Academy GroupOpen in new Window.

First Impressions: This is a clever way of showing the reader the beauty childhood can hold, but also its brevity. It actually made me feel quite sad. I mean, you paint a beautiful picture, with the sunset metaphor, but it made me feel a little wistful, and nostalgic.

Plot: Douglass is watching the sunset hitting the water, when a beautiful girl appears next to him. He senses a sadness in her, but at the same time is transfixed with her beauty. The colours of her bikini are reflected in the sunset (I really like that). Her explanation for her sadness when faced with such beauty is that, "The sunset—childhood—was magical, beautiful, and generally the best time in a person’s life. Then, in an instant, it can go away for good, much like the sunset does." At the end of the story, Douglass asks the girl's name, and she replies Angel. He finds it all very inspiring and beautiful.

Characters: Okay, here's the part I didn't get. I didn't understand the part of Love, at the beginning. Was he supposed to symbolise something? Or was he just a character? If he was just a character, I might not include him. I didn't feel he was necessary. The few lines where he and Douglass mess around is confusing. You write, "Love snickered and smacked his teammate’s abdominal muscles with a gentle hand." But then, " Love stuck out his tongue and slapped Douglass’s hand away." Which left me confused over who was smacking whom.

Suggestions: There are some moments where you slip into "storyteller mode," rather than showing us what is happening from inside Douglass's head. Particularly, in the first paragraph I noticed this. You give us fact after fact: Douglass's full name, age, vacation place and dates. As an opener to the story, it would have been lovely to feel the sand under his baking hot skin, to smell the salt coming off the ocean, hear the children laughing as they play.

My favourite part: I love your description of Douglass's love for sunsets. You say he is fascinated by the "colors shimmering through the trees or how they floated across the water like a nighttime rainbow." I love that, especially the nighttime rainbow. I also love how you leave it to our imagination to decide whether Angel actually is an angel, or just a regular girl with a deep soul.

I enjoyed reading this story. It's original, and there are some great descriptions in it.

Keep writing!

Choconut

Reviewer of the Month December 2015 Kind Hearts
Image #2083210 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
586
586
Review of Jesse  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi iKïyå§ama Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing your item, "JesseOpen in new Window. on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window. [E]. This is part of your winning package in "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..

Things I liked

*BulletV* Wow. It's hard to put into words how this made me feel. Massively uncomfortable. But that's kind of the point, isn't it. Guilty, as well, that I never knew about this subject before. I was blown away by your rich descriptions, that put me right inside the story. I could smell the sweet tobacco, feel the thickness of the air encircling me. The weight of what is happening is so well written. I love the line, "her dress too thin to protect her from the hard ridges and heat trickling from dilapidated wood panels." In those few words, we get a picture of the woman's thin (inexpensive?) clothing, and the heat that is stifling.

*BulletV* I love the feeling of oppression you show the reader. The "stillness in the air," the way people are hardly daring to breathe, the "thickening humidity." The reader knows instantly something terrible is about to happen.

*BulletV* This line is heartbreaking: "Over yonder the church bell suddenly chimes the new hour, and as if on cue, an unspoken collective sigh escapes them all." The verdict was predictable, this kid never stood a chance. The whole build up to the verdict has a sense of inevitability. Which is so sad.

*BulletV* It's clever how you tell the actual lynching by sounds, rather than visuals. This is a good call. The part where we hear Jesse's cries of "heartbreak and misunderstanding." This line brought tears to my eyes: "Of not knowing what’s going on, of why he’s being beaten, stabbed, kicked with a noose tightening around his neck, and dragged through the streets to shred his skin." To think of the pain and terror this boy must have felt is unbearable, as a human being. It's incomprehensible that people can do that to other people. Your use of the word "hoopla" to describe the mob is brilliant. It makes it feel like it's all a big show. Which, in some ways, I guess it was. It makes me think of a circus act, a freak show. I think that's probably what it was to a lot of people.

*BulletV* The part where you tell us what Jesse endured, by repeating the phrase, "For two hours . . . " is really clever. It emphasises, over and over, how long Jesse's torture lasted.

*BulletV* The thing I like most about this piece is how it's made me aware of something terrible that I wasn't aware of before. I feel ashamed. I mean, I knew there were lynchings of black people by mobs of white people, but I never really considered it before. Now, I've read a lot about it since I first read this last night. The really frightening thing is how relevant this still is. Racial equality is still a long way from happening, 100 years later. It makes me uncomfortable.


Things To Look At

*BulletV* I'm not sure if there is a reason for this, but you refer to him as "Jessie." But everything I've read spells it without the i.

*BulletV* You write, of the flies landing on people, "while others swap away at them with absent-minded reflexes." Do you mean swat?

*BulletV* I wasn't sure about this sentence: "She blinks away a few and squints down the quiet street; odd despite the many that litter it." I'm not sure "despite" is the right word. I would think it's odd because of the many who litter it.


What more can I say? These are all minor things to look at. This is beautifully written. It's had quite an effect on me. It's tragic, and it should never have happened. A really powerful piece of writing.


Choconut


Signature for WDC Power Reviewers - Captain
Image #2083210 over display limit. -?-



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
587
587
Review of Bardstown Mystery  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Schnujo NEEDS to do homework Author Icon

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window. Mystery Raid Review.

Please remember these are only my opinions. Ultimately, this is your story, and you know what is best for it.

*Paw* As I first read through this story, I loved the way you gave Bardstown, and the people in it, a history. With so few sentences, you've managed to give some background information, which makes the setting come alive.

*Paw* A dog is digging up mysterious items all over town. The latest, a metal box containing money and a gun, is the most alarming. Detective Hall is excited by the prospect of what this means, as, "This was the closest thing Bardstown had had to a crime since they caught that peeping tom a few years ago." I love that detail!

*Paw* In the end, the mystery is solved (potentially, at least) by Sergeant Carroll. He connects the metal box, the keys to a Chevy, and some black clothes and a ski mask: all items that have been uncovered throughout the town. Added to that, the dog has been trying to get into Jake's house constantly. So, really, the dog solved the mystery! A bank robber, who thought he had covered his tracks by burying all the evidence (although, I imagine there must be more money somewhere, as the notes contained in a small box couldn't be all he got in the robbery).

*Paw* I love the dog's cleverness. Also, the way you have told a whole story in sixteen sentences. You haven't just followed the mystery line, and limited your story to that. You've created a whole town. That's clever.

*Paw* I like that you didn't give a definite conclusion in the end. You left it as this is probably what happened, but it could be confirmed with the lab results.

I really enjoyed reading this micro story. It's clever, and really well written.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut *SuitHeart*


** Image ID #2096205 Unavailable **
Signature for WDC Power Reviewers - Captain



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
588
588
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Jeannie🌺 Author Icon

This review is part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window. Mystery Raid Review.

Please remember these are only my opinions. This is your story, and, ultimately, you know what is best for it.

My first thoughts: The thing that stood out as I first read through was the humour. I love the irony of the dog, Bo, digging up evidence against his owner all over town.

Plot: A gambling debt, a loan between friends, and a dog with a desire to get his owner arrested. Brilliant! I love how you manage to tell a well-rounded story in the required sixteen sentences. I did think things moved along a little quickly, like the skull being found immediately, and all the bones being determined as Marty's, all within what seemed to be a matter of minutes. I appreciate this is a micro story, so things had to move at a fast pace. But, for example, the two confessions of Todd happened immediately, with no resistance. The moment he comes to Elmer's yard, he offers a story of a fight with Marty. Then, when a skull and bones are found, straight away he confesses.

Grammar: Just a couple of minor points: " . . . just stay here in your apartment until we find Marty body . . . " This should be "Marty's body." Also, at the very end of the story, you spell the dog's name Bow, when up until then it's be Bo.

What I liked: The dog! I loved the plot. A gambling debt, and the intrigue of what really happened. Then, the end result; the dog has been digging up the victim's bones all over town, leading the police to his owner, Todd. That made me chuckle.

Suggestions: If you ever wanted to, I think this would make a wonderful longer story. You could take the letter out of the metal box, and keep the reader guessing. I think that would be brilliant.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut *SuitHeart*


** Image ID #2096205 Unavailable **
Signature for WDC Power Reviewers - Captain



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
589
589
Review of My Ghost  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi zebrashark Author Icon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.. I saw it in the Noticing Newbies Newsletter.

Please remember these views are purely my own and everyone has different opinions.

First Impressions: As I first read through this poem, I found it intriguing. It seems to be written about your own demons. I think you've reached a point in your life where you want to talk about the stuff that is locked away, out of sight. I think it would probably be quite therapeutic. When you say that one day you will set this other "you" free, and, "Bring my secrets to light," it feels as though you are always wearing a mask to the rest of the world. I think most people will relate to that.

Voice/Tone: The voice in this poem is very personal. I'm sure you are writing from the heart. The tone is serious, and it also feels quite sad. I find the second verse particularly moving. The image of eyes that are, "Empty and sad, / Filled with tears," is a lonely picture.

Mechanics: There are five verses, with four lines in each. An abca rhyme scheme throughout. Other than that, I think the poem is free form. This works fairly well. I do have a bit of an issue with the syllabic count of each line. There isn't any consistency to the lengths, which is fine for a free verse poem. But here, I think because there is a rhyme scheme, it affects the overall rhythm. It's hard to build up a solid rhythm, and it feels a bit choppy.

My Favourite Part: I love these lines: "She’s in constant pain, / Reaching out, / Begging me to listen." These lines highlight just how difficult it is to admit our insecurities (even to ourselves). It's often too painful to think about the things that have damaged us, and in the short term, it's easier to look away.

Suggestions: My main suggestion is to work on the rhythm. Either scrap the rhymes, and have it totally free verse. That way, the lines can be whatever length you want, and you can say whatever you want, without restriction. Or, try to even out the syllabic count of each line. Try reading the poem aloud, to see how it sounds, to check if the rhythm works.

I really like this poem. I think you have a natural talent for writing poetry, and with a little polishing, this poem could be fantastic.

Keep writing!

Choconut

Signature for WDC Power Reviewers - Captain
Image #2083212 over display limit. -?-



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
590
590
Review of One Soul  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Aspen Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window. [E]. This review is on behalf of "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

My first thoughts: I like the premise for this story. I like the one soul thread that runs throughout. I love how your character knows instinctively her twin is dead before the police arrive to inform them. It's a good idea for a story.

Plot: A woman's twin brother is killed in a car accident. The police drive her to her house, where she slits her wrists, after writing a note to leave behind. She says they were part of one soul, and one half (she) could not survive on her own. It's a sad story. I'm sure things like this really happen.

Characters: If I'm honest, I didn't feel that any of the characters were really well fleshed out. Ayla, the man's wife was hysterical when the police told them, but we don't see her being hysterical. We don't know how she was. The policeman drives Kelly home. Before that, she says, " He'd come to the conclusion that I did not care for my brother already." But how does she know he thinks that? What does he do to indicate that? And why would he think that? What does Kelly do to make him think that? There is so much more you could do with the characters, to make your readers relate to them and feel for them. At the moment, they're a little two dimensional.

Grammar: There are lots of grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. I found it a little off putting, I'm afraid. These are just a few:
"Ayla herd the crash" - should be "heard."
"The tread of hope left her eyes." - should be "thread", I think?
"We sorry to say . . . " - "We're," or "we are."
"I, silencently crying" - "silently."

What I liked: I liked the storyline. I think it could be really good, if you padded it out more.

Suggestions: Spell check. Read your work. Use more description, to put the reader inside the story, with characters they feel they know.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut *SuitHeart*


Signature for WDC Power Reviewers - Captain
Image #2083212 over display limit. -?-



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
591
591
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi donny Author Icon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.. This review is part of "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

Please remember these views are purely my own and everyone has different opinions.

First Impressions: My first thoughts on this poem were that it is interesting. You speak of having a facade of happiness, that is shown to the outside world. When, in fact, on the inside things are more chaotic and jumbled. You seem to be trying to figure out what life itself is all about. Why do we keep going? What forces us to do better? It's definitely thought provoking.

Voice/Tone: The narrator sounds unhappy with their life. Therefore, the tone of the poem is dark. This is made even more so by the comparison to the weather that you use. This is a really clever thing to do. You use the words sloppy, wet, and cold. So that's how the narrator feels.

Mechanics: This is a free verse poem, which works really well. I love the freedom that free verse gives us to use varying line lengths. You have used consistent punctuation, which helps the poem read fluidly.

My Favourite Part: I love the end two lines: "That's a line,/just fine." That's a keen observation. It is a line we all use far too often.

Suggestions: Firstly, your first line could use a little alteration. "I woke up those mornings with seemingly a smile on my face." The word "seemingly" doesn't work. You use it twice in this poem, and it doesn't sound right either time. The whole phrase "seemingly a smile on my face" sounds awkward. Could you use a word like "fake" instead? Or even say, "a smile painted on my face." "Seemingly" is an adverb that isn't necessary if you find the right verb. The grammatical error I noticed is, "People pressing on by,. . .moving." There should not be a comma before the ellipsis.

This poem is thoughtful and and raises a few questions. I enjoyed reading it. Good job.

Keep writing!

Choconut

Signature for WDC Power Reviewers - Captain
Image #2083212 over display limit. -?-



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
592
592
Review of The First Battle  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Kactus Berry Author Icon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.. This review is part of "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

Please remember these views are purely my own and everyone has different opinions.

First Impressions: As I first read through, I was struck by the poignancy of this poem. I love how you take the reader through the various stages in the soldier's life; from signing up, to training, then fighting, finally losing his comrade. All for what? That's the question you are asking in this poem. It really does make the reader reflect on the various conflicts we are involved in.

Voice/Tone: The tone is contemplatory. The narrator sounds sad at the futility of the lost lives war creates. I found these lines particularly sad: "Beside me here, lays my friend,/ his soul was very bold." That brings the horror of war right before our eyes.

Mechanics: This poem is free verse, which I really like. It has an abcb rhyme scheme, which helps move the narration along at a good pace. The whole piece flows really nicely.

My Favourite Part: Honestly, I love the whole poem. But the line that jumps out at me is, "Lesson learned, I know not what." That sums it all up. These men and women are fighting, and dying, in our name, and for what? Who is actually better off for the conflict? It's very sad.

Suggestions: Just one tiny thing. There are a couple of places where the rhythm seems a fraction off. For example, "Comes soldiers, sailors, airmen." It just feels like it should have one more beat, or maybe the stress a little different on the syllables.

On the whole, though, I love this poem. I think it's beautifully written, and it asks some important questions. It's a really great job!

Keep writing!

Choconut

Signature for WDC Power Reviewers - Captain
Image #2083212 over display limit. -?-



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
593
593
Review of Broken Bond  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Bernie Author Icon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.. This review is on behalf of "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..

Please remember these views are purely my own and everyone has different opinions.

First Impressions: Ohh, this poem is one I can relate to so much. As I first read through, it brought back all kinds of memories of a friend I had, who really hurt me. A long time ago, but you never forget, do you?

Voice/Tone: This poem is so personal, I have no doubt it is written from your own personal experience. The tone of the poem is one of sadness, of hurt. The lines, "I never thought I'd be wrong/with the bond we created" are so poignant. That feeling of trusting someone, only to have them cause you so much pain. There is also the feeling that you have been hurt so many times in the past, that trusting anyone is really hard for you. So this breaking of your trust is even more painful.

Mechanics: This poem is written in free verse, which I really like. It works particularly well here, as it allows you to express your feelings fully. On the whole, the poem flows nicely. There is a good rhythm, which moves the narrative along at a good pace.

My Favourite Part: It's hard to pick one part. But the ending brought a tear to my eye. The line, "Never again can I talk with you" is so sad. So final. Then, the very last line: "and that I'll miss." You're spot on. You do miss them, even when they don't deserve your feelings.

This poem has made me feel really emotional. It's beautifully written, and you express your feelings so eloquently. It's a really great job!

Keep writing!

Choconut

Signature for WDC Power Reviewers - Captain
Image #2083212 over display limit. -?-



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
594
594
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi medea Author Icon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.. This review is part of the "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

Please remember these views are purely my own and everyone has different opinions.

First Impressions: This is incredibly powerful. There is an overwhelming feeling of injustice within your words. I must confess I don't have a lot of knowledge of how Vietnam veterans were treated, as I'm British. I do remember the heated anti war protests at the beginning of the most recent Gulf War over here, though. Even so, it's hard to imagine veterans not receiving a warm, supportive home coming.

Voice/Tone: This poem sounds personal. The voice sounds as though you are speaking from experience. I'm not sure whether it is your own, or someone close to you, though. There is a sense of injustice, and being poorly treated. A tinge of bitterness, even. These lines, written about your homecoming sum that up really well: "Expecting loving parades and cheers,/But upon my face you hatefully spit." This part really got to me. It's so disrespectful. Heroes shouldn't be treated that way.

Mechanics: This poem has seven stanzas, all with an abab rhyme scheme. This helps move the narrative along at a good pace. It works really well.

My Favourite Part: "I defended your right to speak/And criticize my behaviors." This is such an important point to make. If it wasn't for soldiers, risking and giving their lives, protestors wouldn't have the right to protest. Something I think we should all remember. I also find the end of the poem really sad. The last two lines: "When you coldly turned your back on me,/When I came back from Vietnam." They brought a lump to my throat.

Suggestions My only suggestion is to just watch the rhythm of the lines. I'm not sure whether they all have a similar syllabic count, but there are places where the meter doesn't quite sound right.

Overall, I really like this poem. It contains a really important message, and makes us think about the job our troops do for us. It's a really great poem.

Keep writing!

Choconut

Signature for WDC Power Reviewers - Captain
Image #2083212 over display limit. -?-



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
595
595
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Matt Appleby Author Icon

*Star* This is a SPECULATIVE SPECTACULAR "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window. Party Review! *BalloonV*


My First Thoughts: From your description, I wasn't sure what to expect with this story. I really enjoyed it, though. As I first read through, I was hooked the whole time, waiting to find out if they would get away with the heist.

Plot: This is a great plot. You begin by giving us some background into the company, and the world this is set in. I love how you show us the setting is futuristic by saying, "A bicycle courier walked into the lobby, his metallic feet clicking loudly on the marble floor." I love that line! I also love how you show us the same description later in the story, when he comes back posing as a businessman.

The plot is clever, and intricate. I think you did a really good job to include as much detail as you did. I could picture everything. I was completely immersed. If I'm honest, I wasn't entirely sure what happened at the end. It seemed to be the businessman selecting the Knight app on the phone, as though he was actually against the other two. But it would have made more sense if Gothraxx had selected the knight to kill them. I appreciate you were writing with limited words, but, personally, I would have liked a little more explanation.

Characters: They are all wonderful. I like how you used the dragon link, by having the CEO, Gothraxx, as having changed himself into an image on screen, over the years. I love that Liz Jones is a giant who was born with dwarfism! That really made me laugh.

What I Liked: The plot. I love how detailed it is. The world feels very clinical and precise, if that makes sense. I think it's brilliant. I also love your humour. (Like in the Liz Jones example, above.)

Suggestions: One grammatical point: “'So this is the Temple of Thieves.' the dragon said. The full stop should be a comma.

My other suggestion is to make the ending a little clearer. Maybe it's just me. But I did get confused.

Overall, I loved this story. It's clever, funny, and beautifully written. Great job!

Choconut Author Icon


WDC Power Reviewers Black Dragon sig
Image #2076284 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
596
596
for entry "IndependenceOpen in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Angel Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing your short story, "IndependenceOpen in new Window., as I am one of the judges in the No Dialogue Contest. This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window..

My first thoughts: As I first read through, I was struck by what a heart warming story this is. It's a beautiful tale of beating the odds, and it's really nicely written.

Plot: I love your take on the independence prompt. This story looks at parents who are watching their youngest child go away to university, to make it on his own. His three older siblings have all flown the nest already. But his departure is extra special, as he has had to fight to get where he is. At ten, he was diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum. I love the emotion you show us, I really feel for Ann and David.

Characters: The characters are the stars of this story. Ann and David. Loving parents, who know that their roles in his Samuel's life will be "a regular commitment." I can feel their anxiety, mixed with pride. It's such a poignant moment. Samuel sounds like an incredible young man. He has earned his spot at university, studying engineering. He is brave enough to go out on his own, and learn. I love this character.

Grammar: The first line needs to be broken up, as it's two separate clauses. So I would put a full stop after "time," and start a new sentence with "every." Or use a colon. Either would work.

What I liked: The feeling of love and pride. The way we know that this kid will never be on his own. His parents will always be there for him. It's such a positive story.

This is a great little story. Its message is positive. I hope there are people who will read this, and be encouraged. It's a lovely story.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut *SuitHeart*


Signature for WDC Power Reviewers - Captain
Image #2083212 over display limit. -?-



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
597
597
Review of Endure the Night  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Timothy Sam Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing your short story, "Endure the NightOpen in new Window. on behalf of "The Newbies Academy GroupOpen in new Window., as I am judging "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem ContestOpen in new Window..

My first thoughts: I love your title. That's the first thing I noticed about your story. Then, your brief description had me really intrigued. As I first read through, I loved your opening paragraph. The descriptions of Squaw Valley are vivid. I loved the line: "The roads were a barren wasteland, and its citizens were sound asleep under the warmth of their linen blankets." As I continued to read through, I was hooked right up to the end, I had to know if Wes would make it to the finish line.

Plot: This is the story of Wes Bascomb. His mother recently died, and his way of coping was to become and ultra runner. In this story, he has entered the Western Steates 100 miler: the toughest running contest known to man. We see him pushing himself harder than her should, until, in the middle of the dark forest, his foot goes down a hole and he sprains his ankle. He hobbles to the next check point, and gets it taken care of. Somehow, he then continues to finish the last ten miles of the race. I'm so glad he finished! He deserved to.

This is an original plot. I really like it. I love how you describe the scenery and the terrain, giving your reader a clear picture of where this is taking place.

Characters: Wes is a brilliant character. He is determined to finish this race, in memory of his mother. He shows such determination. I love how we see him at the end, running with his nine year old son. He still has a bit of a limp from his injury. That's a lovely touch.

What I liked: Wes. He is the ultimate hero. He pushes through boundaries of pain, in order to accomplish something incredible. Something that only few people manage.

Suggestions: A few specific points:
"They huddled together in groups and hanged on maple tree branches." - Should be "hung." We only use "hanged" when it is a person hanging.
When we first see Wes, you say of the locals, "It did not take a long time for them to conclude that it was in fact, a mad orang-utan." Yet, you've just described him as having pale skin. Surely, an orang-utan has orange hair all over it.
" his presence was merely an estimated suggestion than a calculated reality." - I'm not sure whether you mean it was merely an estimated suggestion, or that it was more like a calculated reality. This sentence doesn't make sense.

There were a few times when you switched tense, momentarily. For example you say the people "listened" to the rustling leaves. Then in the next sentence, you say, "As the clock strikes 6 and the orange orb slowly ascends . . . " So we switch from past to present tense.

Overall, I really like this story. It's original, and it kept me hooked the whole way through. Great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut *SuitHeart*


** Image ID #2073066 Unavailable **
A signature for Quills finalists to use



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
598
598
Review of The 16:49  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi Jordan Young Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing your short story, "The 16:49Open in new Window. on behalf of "The Newbies Academy GroupOpen in new Window., as I am judging July's round of "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem ContestOpen in new Window..

My first thoughts: I was intrigued by your title and brief description. I guessed it would be about a train journey. I didn't guess what you would do with it. As I first read through, I found myself eager to know what would be on the paper. I was hooked the whole way through.

Plot: This is the story of somebody making a train journey to pick up some exam results. The train is pretty packed with commuters. Then, a young lad boards, and proceeds to write something on a piece of paper. Whatever it is he is writing we are shown him hesitating, not knowing exactly what to write. When this lad gets off the train, he leaves the paper behind. The narrator doesn't think any more of it, until he is going home, an our later. He realises it's the same train, spots the paper, and reads it. It's a suicide note, asking whoever finds it to find his family. The train stops abruptly, because someone has jumped in front of it. This is such a sad story. It reads as though it's based on a real experience, but that's possibly because it's written in the first person. It's a really clever idea for a story. I love how the reader and main character learn, at the same time, just what the letter is.

Characters: The main character, we don't learn much about. Other than his exam results weren't great, but he doesn't care about that. The lad who leaves the note is the interesting person. I am intrigued by why he would leave the note like that. Surely, the police would identify him, and contact his family.

What I liked: The originality of the story. I liked that you kept us guessing, right up to the end, about what would be on the paper. You did a great job building up the tension.

Suggestions: You have a lot of run-on sentences. They could be easily fixed by cutting out everything that isn't completely necessary to advancing the plot. Then, break the lines into one thought per sentence. Also, I noticed a lot of the time, you are in "story teller mode." Which I understand, but it puts up a bit of a barrier between the story and the reader. For example, these are the first lines: "The 15:57 from Hexham to Newcastle is a 40-minute journey that usually takes around 50 minutes. On the way, you go past fields, industrial estates, and a Shopping Centre." To put the reader inside the packed train with your character, you could say something like, "I yawned, and stared out the window at the monotonous fields that passed us by. This journey always felt like forever. Being squished against the window was not my idea of morning fun." Something like that.

On the whole, though, I really enjoyed this story. You have done a great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut *SuitHeart*


** Image ID #2073066 Unavailable **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
599
599
Review of Noah's Ark  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

Hi Shannon Author Icon

This is a House Stark review for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window. for Shannon Author Icon.

*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
First thoughts: I chose to review this piece because I was intrigued to know more about Noah's Ark. As I first started reading, I love the picture at the beginning. I'm guessing that was a prompt for the contest. I have to say, the story that you tell is incredible. It's so emotional. It tugged and ripped at my heart. Wow. It's haunting.

*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
Plot/Story: The story is so sad. Mary's son died about six weeks ago. She blames herself, as he fell off a balcony, because she had left the doors open. This story shows Mary struggling to keep going, struggling to come to terms with Noah's death. We see how her husband couldn't handle how lost in grief she was. First, he migrated to the couch, then right out of the house. I don't rate his staying power, if it has only been six weeks. But the heartbreaking moment is when Mary says, "We're a statistic." I love that you put this on a line of its own. It's so poignant. They are a part of the number of couples who break apart after the death of a child. At the end of this story, we see heavy rain start to fall. Debris, and rubbish, float past Mary. Then she sees it: the ark her husband made for Noah. They had tied it to a balloon and let it go. When she grabs it, she is finally able to start releasing her pain. I cannot tell you how much I love this story. It's so warm, it's written with great tenderness. It's just beautiful.

*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
Characterisation: Mary and Jim. Two people trying to deal with the worst tragedy imaginable. Neither of them really succeeding. Mary feels so much guilt. She is such a sympathetic character. My heart went out to her, as I read.

*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
What I Liked: Your writing. It's as simple as that. I love your style. This story tackles such a difficult subject, but you have written with huge amounts of love and care, and I was completely lost inside it as I read.

*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
Parting Comments: What more can I say? This story is beautiful. It most definitely deserved to win 1st place in the contest. It's a first class piece of writing.

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **


House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
600
600
Review of Missing Paint  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hi StephBee Author Icon

This is a House Stark review for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window. for StephBee Author Icon.

*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
First thoughts: It was your brief description that enticed me to read and review this short story. "Instead of paint, Suze found handcuffs." It made me smile. I wondered what on earth the context would be. As I first read through, I thought it was an imaginative, enjoyable story.

*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
Plot/Story: Suze is a painter, who has just had some time away on a cruise to Mexico. When she returns home, she opens her suitcase, expecting to find all her paints and canvases, but instead, she finds handcuffs, bullets, dirty clothes, and a police badge. She groans, thinking it will belong to a fat donut munching detective. The story ends, though, with a knock at her door. The man returning her case is actually really good looking, and fit. She asks him inside . . . I love how you end the story by saying, "The tide just washed in a treasure chest filled with fresh new colours." Ah. The beginning of a love story. It's nice when there is a happy ending.

*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
Characterisation: I want Suze's life. Living on Venice Beach, with an ocean view, she is an artist, who sells her paintings to make a living. It sounds ideal. But I love how she sees the police badge, and straight away thinks "donuts." That made me laugh. I love this description of the guy who comes to exchange cases: "Mr. Policeman looked like he'd never ate a donut in his life."

*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
What I Liked: I love this description, near the beginning: "The sun dipped closer to the horizon, setting the sky ablaze and making the water sparkle." That's beautiful. I can picture it really well. I also really like the potential for romance that this story ends on.

*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
Parting Comments: This is a really enjoyable story. It kept me hooked, I wanted to know who the case would belong to. You didn't disappoint with the result, either! I really like it.

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **


House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
818 Reviews *Magnify*
Page of 33 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/purplesunday/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/24