Choconut's (purplesunday) Reviews

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READ A NEWBIE

Daffodils

Pushing their sharp points through the brown leaves...

Compassion

Oh, let me not despise imperfect things...

DAP Declassified: Incident 35-B

Incident 35-B, German U-boat encounter with Organism 35, dubbed "Theta".

Tree Of Life quest.

The tale of the Tree of Life inspires, reminding humanity balance between man and nature,

BY ONLINE AUTHORS

Cooling Flesh 100w S#1 [181.9] 12.mai.24

All flesh must pass.

Chapter 042: The Lost Tribe - Part 2

Carter is captured by the Lost Tribe and brought to their home.

Reverse Telemarketing

Writers Cramp - A true story

Never Really Right

Gleaned from writing a poems at the Dew Drop Inn. Capturing springtime with subtlety.

Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/purplesunday/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/24

Choconut

Review Requests: OFF

2,057 Public Reviews Given

2,076 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.

I'm good at...

I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.

Favorite Genres

Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.

Least Favorite Genres

Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.

Favorite Item Types

Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.

Least Favorite Item Types

Chapters from the middle of books.

Public Reviews

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576

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4246603

Review of Majesty's Offspring

for entry "Prologue"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi AJVega

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for AJVega

First thoughts: This is completely different to the kind of stores, or books, I normally read. But your brief description was so enticing that I had to give it a look. I must admit, I'm impressed. As I first read through, I found myself hanging off every word. It's really exciting, and I wanted to know what would happen to Valdez. I really enjoyed it.

Plot/Story: This is the prologue to a book about General Hugo Valdez, who is enlisted to save the universe from the takeover plan of the evil A.I., Majesty. Valdez has to kill Majesty. However, he tried to kill himself a number of years ago, and nanobots saved him, piecing his brain back together. So by killing Majesty, he is thereby killing himself. This prologue is an interview between a dying Valdez, and a reporter, trying to get his story.

Characterisation: Valdez is brilliant. I love that, since trying to kill himself, he has been unable to feel love or happiness. He can kind of feel hate, but other than that, there's nothing. That's a great recipe for someone who will do anything to win the battle. I was a little confused at the end. I didn't understand whether Valdez died, or not. The doctor said he had been a vegetable for days, so I wasn't sure. It's definitely intriguing.

What I Liked: Valdez. I'm sure you have gone on to create a wonderful character, with him. I can see the potential. He's a man with a past. A man who's not afraid to die. A man who will do anything to kill Majesty.

Suggestions: This is only a tiny thing: In the line, "They actually managed to piece together the pieces of brain and skull . . . " I wouldn't use both "piece" and "pieces." It kind of stands out, and it brought me out of the story for a moment.

Parting Comments: I really enjoyed reading this. It is a great prologue, and I know the rest of the book will be every bit as exciting. It's a really great job!

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

577

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14 days may be credited.

#4246561

Review of My Uncle John

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi abcoachnz-Sometimes around

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for abcoachnz-Sometimes around

of House Greyjoy.

First thoughts: My first thoughts are: I wonder if this is a true story? I'm intrigued because you say it is how you imagine John's end would have been. But, whether or not it's true, it's such a tragic love story, and I really enjoyed reading it.

Plot/Story: The love of John's life, Karen, has died two months ago. Her boat capsized and she drowned, although, her body was never found. Now, John has received a text message on his phone saying, "I'm hre. Come 6pm 2nite." He knows it is from Karen, and goes to the ocean to meet her. When he sees her face, he walks out until he is covered by the water, and once again the lovers are united. That's so sad. I was hoping Karen wouldn't be dead, and there would be a happy ending. The story leaves me curious about the text message. Who is it from? Did John imagine it? Was it a message from the other side? It's intriguing.

Characterisation: John is a tragic character. He is grieving for the love of his life, and vulnerable. I want to protect him, but I don't think that's what he would want. I think he was ready to walk out to the ocean to meet Karen that night.

What I Liked: I love the description of Karen's "honey clouded eyes". It pops up a couple of times, and it really stands out. Also, although I wanted a happy ending, I think the ending you chose was perfect. It fitted with the rest of the story.

Parting Comments: This is a lovely story, written with great tenderness. There is a certain amount of mystery, which is great. Also, a lot of love and tragedy. It's a really great story!

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

578

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14 days may be credited.

#4246530

Review of The Greatest Motivator

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi A*Monaing*Faith

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for A*Monaing*Faith

First thoughts: I chose this story to review because I was intrigued by what you would do with the prompt. I have to say, I would never have guessed this. It's really imaginative and creative. I really enjoyed reading reading it.

Plot/Story: Firstly, I just have to say I can relate to Melissa's annoying work colleague, and the desire to shut her up. I've worked with a few of those in my time. But I love the story that Melissa tells: whilst out jogging as night was falling, she lost her glasses. When she went to retrieve them, she was face with a terrifying big, spectral, shaggy, scary dog. She has to get away from him, and she does. But only just in time, as he bares his teeth, and goes to attack her throat. I love the end, where Melissa reads the paper saying one dog has been found, others are on the loose.

Characterisation: As I mentioned, I can relate to Melissa's irritation with Amy. I do feel a little sorry for Amy, though. She just sounds like one of those people who is interested in everybody.

What I Liked: The originality. It surprised me at every step along the way, which is great. It meant I was completely immersed in it. I felt the fear and suspense, I thought you created that really well.

Suggestions: I have a question about how Melissa loses the glasses. She says she was starting to get a headache, and couldn't concentrate without her glasses. So why take them off when they got foggy? Why not wipe them over, and put them back on? Also, where did she put her glasses, that they fell to the floor without her noticing?

There are a few typos: " I bemoaned the lose of my lunch hour to retrieve them later on." - Should be "loss."
" I mean, we live in a really nice neighborhood but with the track being black and the threes so thick on either side." - Should be "trees."
" It tracked me with its' gaze until I was nearly to the ramp." - No apostrophe needed.

Parting Comments: This is a really enjoyable story. You kept me hooked the whole way through, and I love the ending. Great job!

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

579

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14 days may be credited.

#4246503

Review of Stress & Consequences

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Have a sunshiny day!

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Have a sunshiny day!

First thoughts: Today, we get to choose which people we review from our list, so I've chosen to review this short story of yours. My first thought, as I read through, was how sad this story is. The ending was definitely unexpected. I thought Marjorie would have a heart attack. Maybe she did. It's a really moving story.

Plot/Story: Marjorie is elderly, and not in the best of health. Her daughter, Nancy, is having her third round of chemo, and not doing so well. When Marjorie gets a letter from her son-in-law, she knows it's not going to be good news. So she plugs in the electric teapot, and its down to read. The news isn't good. The next scene we see is the fire crew who were called out to Nancy's house. They reflect on how sad it is, that the old lady probably plugged in the electric teapot, and forgot about it. That's just so sad. I wanted Marjorie to be able to see her daughter one more time. That said, it is a clever ending, because it's completely unexpected. There were hints that Marjorie may die, but of a heart attack, not fire. I wonder whether the news was too much for her heart, and that's what killed her, then the house caught on fire.

What I love about this story is how invested I was in it, despite its short length. I could picture Marjorie, all alone, getting the letter, and my heart went out to her. You did a really great job here.

Characterisation: Marjorie is wonderful. The reader has so much compassion for her. She's not well, she's living on her own, and her daughter is dying. I can only imagine how much she would have wanted to be with her. How much she would have wanted to take all her daughter's pain away. It's really moving.

What I Liked: The tenderness with which you wrote Marjorie's character. Also love the twist at the end, where we find that the consequence of stress, in this instance, is house fire. At least Marjorie isn't suffering, or worrying about her daughter, any more.

Parting Comments: I really enjoyed this short story. It's well written, and shows great compassion and tenderness for your character. It's a lovely story.

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

580

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14 days may be credited.

#4246497

Review of Why?

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Angus

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Angus

First thoughts: Today, I get to choose which warriors to review, from our warrior list. So, tag, you're it! I thought it would be cool to read a piece of flash from you. I was not disappointed. As I first read through, I found myself smiling and chuckling, and really engrossed in the story.

Plot/Story: A couple have stolen a skull from a gravesite. Now, men from the tribe to which the skull belonged, are out to get it back, and exact revenge on the thief. Okay. Why did Paul steal the skull? Was it from an actual graveyard? Or just something he came across? Is he crazy? Everyone knows you never unearth graves. Especially skulls. It's asking for trouble. By the time Paul gives them back their skull, it's too late. The story ends with Paul's head on a stake, and his wife being a prisoner (I assume) whilst the tribe members dance around her. I love how Paul's head is on a stake at the end. That made me laugh.

Characterisation: Paul is arrogant. He thinks he can take whatever he wants, that he has a right to it. His wife, Ellen, understands more than him. I can imagine how annoyed she must feel at him. I love how she says, "Why, Paul? Why did you take it?" I understand that irritation, the thought of "He never listens."

What I Liked: Paul's head on a stake! That really appeals to me. I also love how the skull's eyes turn to rainbow colours, and they all focus on Paul. You say they, "they blended together into one dark oily blackness." Very menacing.

Parting Comments: This is a great piece of flash fiction. I'm impressed with how much you managed to fit in. The story of the greedy man, who had to take that which did not belong to him, is brilliant. I really enjoyed it. It's a great job!

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

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581

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14 days may be credited.

#4246494

Review of A Man of the Cloth

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Bikerider

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Bikerider

First thoughts: I chose to review this story because the title intrigued me. Also, it's in the 'detective' genre, which is always a bonus! As I first read through, I remembered how much I love your writing. Your style is warm and easy to read. It's easy to get lost inside.

Plot/Story: Two cops are working a double homicide. A year into the investigation, and there has been no break in the case. I love your introduction, saying how the one cop used the most vulgar language ever. If I'm honest, I got a little confused. You say that when the case finally broke, you learned something about this other cop that surprised you more than anyone you have ever known. Then you say, "His name was Brad Paisley." I thought, at first, this was the surprising fact. That he was named like the country singer. Then, when I got to the end, I thought maybe the cop was the murderer. I like to be left wondering at the end of a story, but I was just a little too confused here. It may just be me, and I apologise if that's the case.

It's also really funny how the profanity-filled cop chooses to become a minister. That made me laugh. So, did he do this because of his guilt? Was he trying to hide? Or have I completely misread this? It's intriguing.

Characterisation: I love your characterisation of Brad. How he chain smokes and uses the most profane language. When the old couple move to another booth because of him, he seems totally oblivious. I also love how the other character, who narrates the story, is embarrassed by this guy. I love the way he keeps sweeping his ash into the ashtray. They are both really interesting characters.

What I Liked: I actually think the relationship between the two cops is brilliant. They seem to be polar opposites, but often that's what works really well. I also love the surprise at Brad saying he is joining the seminary. That's funny.

Suggestions: One typo: "Brad was what is known as a cops, cop." Should be "cop's cop." My only suggestion is to make it a little clearer just what that break in the investigation was. If Brad was involved in the murder.

Parting Comments: I really enjoyed reading this story. I love your writing style. I found myself sitting in the diner with the two cops, watching the long ash fall onto the table, listening to their conversation. It's a brilliant read. Great job!

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

582

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14 days may be credited.

#4246040

Review of Hide and Seek

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Have a sunshiny day!

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Have a sunshiny day!

First thoughts: It was your title and brief description that attracted me to this story. I wondered what would happen. I guessed it wouldn't be good. As I first read through, I was gripped from the very first word to the very last. The character of Jamie is so likeable. I wanted to know what would happen to him.

Plot/Story: This is the story of Jamie and his sister, Dorie: the new kids in town. They are going to summer school to catch up with schoolwork. There are only five of them in the class, including Jamie and Dorie. Because he was the youngest, Jamie tended to get bullied. One break time, they all go outside and decide to play Hide & Seek, with Jamie being "it". The other four run back inside, leaving Jamie outside on his own. He disappears, and the green van that screeched away from the school just before seems suddenly ominous. This is a great plot. I love your writing, as well. Your writing is easy to get lost inside. That's exactly what happened with this story. I was gripped. I felt so sorry for Jamie. For Dorie, too, who will always feel guilty about this. I like how you end it where you do, and leave the rest to the reader's imagination.

Characterisation: Jamie seems such a sweet, kind little boy. His sister is swept along with the other children, trying to fit in. I really feel for both of them.

What I Liked: Your writing. It's warm, it reminds me of melted butter. Does that make sense? I love the last line, where the teacher says, "I don't know if it means anything but I saw a green van squealing its tires over by the bus entrance!” I would love to know what happens in all of their lives after this point.

Parting Comments: This is a great story. It really was a pleasure to read and review it. I have to revisit your port at some point!

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

583

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14 days may be credited.

#4245976

Review of Scars and Souvenirs

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Dave

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Dave

First Thoughts: I chose this poem because the title intrigued me. As I first read through, I thought how fitting it is for this poem. This is such a moving story, of a guy who signs up for the army, with all the dreams of a seventeen year old. Only, things don't quite work out as he planned.

Poetic Tool Box

Voice/Tone: The voice is fragile, kind of nostalgic, sad. The narrator sounds tired. I love how each verse shows us a different part of this man's life (and death). That's beautifully done. At the beginning, he has everything: such optimism, such happiness. Then he is involved in some incident whilst at war, and he loses a leg, but gains P.T.S.D. I love the line which says, "sapped my spirit and broke my will." That is so sad. Because it's far too common. As you move to the end of the poem, the narrator speaks of losing "job, family and home." He then speaks of being homeless, which is a huge problem for our veterans. In the last verse, we see this man's grave. "The wilted lily on my grave/testifies to awareness of value/bestowed on soldier's sacrifice." This lack of respect, lack of help for them. Lack of care.

Mechanics: This poem is written in free verse. It is eight three line verses. I think free verse works really well here.

Favourite Lines "The photo of our wedding day/shows happy couple, so in love." So much promise, so much potential. But it could never be. Because he signed up for the army. I also love, "The Purple Heart and Silver Star/mean nothing when you are hungry/and sleeping on park benches." I think that line says it all.

Suggestions Just one tiny suggestion: the line, "cost me job, family and home." I would leave out the "and." I don't have a technical reason, I just think it sounds better.

Parting Comments This poem is beautiful. It deals with a difficult, but important, topic. It's beautifully written, and I love it!

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

584

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14 days may be credited.

#4245920

Review of Rough Justice

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Dawn Embers

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Dawn Embers

First thoughts: I really like this. It's like a snapshot of this guy, who is on trial for a murder he didn't commit. We see him remembering what happened, and we know he is innocent. My first thoughts were this would make a great longer story. I would love to see how justice plays out (or not), and whether the gang members are caught. It's a really great scene.

Plot/Story: As above: A man comes across a dead body on the street. He sees two gang members running away. He touches the body - big mistake! When the sirens arrive, he doesn't run away. So he finds himself on trial for murder. He's too scared to ID the gang members, which leaves him in a tricky situation. I would love to know so many more details. Like, how did the person die? What evidence did the police think they have against the main character? So many questions.

Characterisation: This scene is too short to really go into characterisation very much. It's more about the action. We do know that the main character clearly knows the two people running away are from the EhDonno gang, so he must be familiar with that part of the city. He is too scared to run away, and too scared to ID the gang members.

What I Liked: The story. The possibilities for the story. It's really intriguing.

Suggestions: Just the one: write a whole story about this. I love your writing style, I could easily get lost in it.

Parting Comments: This is a really well written and interesting shorty story. I enjoyed reading it, and I would love to read more.

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

585

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14 days may be credited.

#4245902

Review of What a day

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi daydah

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for daydah

First Thoughts: Wow. I almost don't know what to say. But I had to say something. I couldn't pass this poem by. It's incredibly emotional. It sounds as though it may be from experience. Either your own, or someone you know's. If it is yours, I am so sorry you have gone through this.

Poetic Tool Box

Voice/Tone: The narrator is actually speaking to God, saying this terrible tragedy has happened, but God must have had it in his plan. I was a little confused about what has actually happened. The overall impression I have is one of still birth. The narrator's baby has died. But also, it could be a baby the narrator was about to adopt has died. But then you say, "Somewhere tonight, a newborn baby is crying for the mother's touch," which sounds like the baby is alive, but taken from the mother. Maybe you mean the baby is crying for its mother in Heaven. I'm not sure.

Rhythm and Rhyme: This isn't a poem that is full of poetic devices and structures. This is free verse, and is an outpouring of emotion. All directed at God. How could he let this happen? It's so sad.

Favourite Lines It's hard to choose a favourite line in a poem such as this. It's the poem as a whole that affects the reader. Although, I do love the repetition of, "You are an unquestionable God." It's like the narrator is trying to make sense of events.

Suggestions Technically, I'm not sure I would describe it as a poem. The long lines you have aren't really poetic. To make it more so, break the lines down. But, actually, I would re-describe this as poetic prose.

Parting Comments This is a very moving account of the loss of baby. It's beautifully written, and the reader can feel the emotion through every single word.

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

586

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14 days may be credited.

#4245892

Review of Left Or Right

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Robin's Stories

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Robin's Stories

First thoughts: It was your picture that drew me to this story. Is it the real Harry? I would love to know! As I first read through, I found a lovely, heart warming story. It is a tale of kindness and generosity, and how it can enrich your life. Making the right decision. So important.

Plot/Story: This is the story of someone who goes fishing, and encounters a little dog. He thinks nothing of it, then when driving home, the same dog is in the middle of the road. So your character picks him up, and takes him home. He cleans him up, and builds a fence out the back of his home. After a couple of weeks, the dog disappears. Another family find him, and he goes to live with them. The little dog (Harry) sounds so adorable. I love that he escaped your "Great Wall of China." He's clearly a dog who loves mischief. But that's the best kind, right? It's a really lovely story. It sounds like it's based on true events. But I'm not sure.

Characterisation: The star of the show is Harry. He is cute, naughty, quick to trust humans (even though he probably has no reason to). I love how the narrator keeps saying he can't keep Harry, but he still builds the fence, and sticks up "missing" posters.

What I Liked: This line is great: "I know that I screwed up, but you loves me anyways." This is Harry, after he has escaped. That really made me chuckle. My dog is the king of that expression!

Parting Comments: This story is brilliant. Your writing style is really easy to fall inside, which makes reading your story a pleasure. I love how cute Harry is. I love the happy ending. It's a great little story!

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

587

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14 days may be credited.

#4245861

Review of "Isn't It Pretty to Think So?"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Girlinwhite

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Girlinwhite

First thoughts: Oh! This story is so sad. As I first read through, I was moved by the love affair of Sandy and Troy. It's so sad he died in a horrible accident. We know he's dead right from the start, but the hook of the story is to find out about their relationship, and how, and when he died.

Plot/Story: Sandy is a bereaved woman, visiting her lover's grave. They met at a fourth of July celebration, and had a passionate love affair. I'm not sure how long they were together. I don't think it was very long. They had plans to marry, and Sandy dreamed of their own house, a little girl, a dog: all the things you dream of when you're madly in love. But then Troy has a horrible accident (maybe an aeroplane accident, as he wants to be a pilot), and doesn't make it. Her dreams all die, along with her lover. Tragic. Really moving.

Characterisation: This story is about the relationship between the characters, not so much the characters themselves. And their relationship is lovely. Sandy describes her feelings eloquently. I love this line: "She could swear that her heart beat differently for those few minutes." This is when she first meets Troy. In contrast with her grief: " It was the kind of pain that seemed to swim through you slowly." That's a great description.

What I Liked: The love story. It's so relatable. The first few months of getting to know someone, the excitement, the dreams. But then, the pain of losing them. It's a great story.

Suggestions: The paragraph that begins, "Time passed and they grew very close," is a little confusing. Immediately before it, you were talking about the vet, and I didn't realise you had switched back to Troy. It brought me out of the story for a moment. Also, a typo: "She could almost feel the sensation of soaring sky-high from how excited got as he told her." You missed out the "he".

Parting Comments: This is lovely story of love and loss. I'm sure a lot of people will relate to it. It's well written, and really interesting. Great job!

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

588

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14 days may be credited.

#4245840

Review of ABC's for DSX

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi dewmelic

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for dewmelic

First Thoughts: I was intrigued by the description of an alphabet poem. This sounded really complicated, and I wanted to see how you would handle it. Actually, you handle it very well. You stick to every letter in the alphabet, and the lines all flow together, and on from one another. I'm impressed.

Poetic Tool Box

Voice/Tone: Clearly, this poem is your own voice. You are speaking about your own little boys, and the poem is filled with warmth and love. I love the line, "Frightening, it's true." The made me chuckle. Having just one boy is terrifying! I love how personal this poem is. It's really endearing.

Rhythm and Rhyme: As well as this being an alphabet poem, you've added the extra difficulty of having a rhyme scheme. It is an aacc rhyme scheme, the whole way through. This is so clever, and such a good way of pushing the poem along at a good pace.

Favourite Lines "Quick wits and energy/Rambunctious are the three." I love the word "rambunctious." It's a perfect description of little boys. I also really like: "Holding their hands through strife," as this shows the flip side to the coin. They still need their Mummies, time to time.

Suggestions I felt the poem lost some of its natural flow from W onwards. The line, "While my oldest is D, the middle is S," seems to have too many syllables. It breaks up the flow a little. Especially, as the following line is a short one. I would definitely take a look at the last four lines, if I were you.

Parting Comments I really like this poem. I have a lot of respect for what you have achieved. I know it must have been difficult to get it this good, with rhyme included, also. It's a great job.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245827

Review of Tell Me A Story

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi {sizer:sgambill72}

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Diane

First thoughts: I chose to review this story because your brief introduction, "A children's story within a story," intrigued me. It's a great hook to get people reading. As I first read through, I loved how you were the narrator in the first person, but then told the story in the third person. It really worked, as well. I like it.

Plot/Story: A woman putting her son and daughter to bed makes up a bedtime story, using their names for the characters. This made me think of my dad. He would make up the most wonderful stories, always with the star being a girl called Rachel. It brought back happy memories. In the story the narrator tells, two children rescue a cat from a tree, and when they spot a cottage in the woods, they assume the cat must belong there, But a mean, wrinkled old man lives there, and says the cat isn't his. So they get to keep it. It's a cute story, and children will love it.

Characterisation: I love the relationship between the fictional Jessica and Timothy. They sound like any typical brother and sister, with equal amounts of love and hate.

What I Liked: "The villagers knew the warlock lived in the woods and so they forbade their children to play there." This is a great hook into the story, both for children, and adults. It certainly made me take notice!

Suggestions: I appreciate this is told as a short bedtime tale, but I felt there could have been a little more action. There's quite a chunk of the story which tells us about the children squabbling. Personally, I would like to have seen a little more interaction with the "warlock". Some magic, maybe.

Parting Comments: This is an interesting story, and I really like how you have told it. It was an enjoyable read, and I'm sure children will love it!

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245815

Review of Dames of the Dead Beginning Story

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi Revelry new writings soon

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Revelry new writings soon

First thoughts: I love the title for this story. I assume there are going to be further stories, that go within this book? As I first read through, I thought it is a brilliant idea for a set of stories. It has the potential to be really creepy and suspenseful.

Plot/Story: A lady (who we know is not of this world) has come on Halloween to claim the souls of eight people, who previously made deals with halloween's death messengers. We see her waiting to make her move. This is such a creepy idea. That death is stood by, watching, and waiting to claim you. Death could be anyone you see on the street. You never know. If this is just the beginning to a series of stories, it works brilliantly. But if it is a stand alone short story, I think it needs a little fleshing out. There's not really a great deal that happens here.

Characterisation: You tell us how the lady looks. Which is great. But I would love to know more about her: how does she feel about claiming these lives? How did she come to be the person who takes the souls? How long has she been doing it? I guess, if this is just an introduction, we can be shown more in the other stories. If not, maybe think about adding a little depth to this lady.

What I Liked: The idea. I love the way the woman just waited, in plain sight, until it was time to make her move.

Suggestions: You write with a lot of fragmented sentences. These can be used creatively, once in a while, but they really should only be once in a while. They have the effect of breaking up the story. Which makes it really hard to get lost in your writing. Use whole sentences, I really can't stress that enough. Also, you write the word "rhym" a couple of times at the end. I think you mean "rhyme."

Parting Comments: I love your idea. As mentioned above, I think this has great potential. Just try to tighten up your writing a bit; get rid of those sentence fragments. Tell us more about the enigmatic lady. All of this could make this a really great story.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245807

Review of Rise Up

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Thomas Seeker

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Thomas Seeker

First Thoughts: I was drawn to this poem by your brief description. I was intrigued to learn what the words of hope would be. As I first read through, I found the poem to be incredibly uplifting, and positive. It does, indeed, offer hope for those of us who have lost loved ones.

Poetic Tool Box

Voice/Tone: You are speaking as though you are one of the people who has passed on, giving reassurances to those left behind to mourn. I think your opening line is really clever: "Lying in a city of stone." So, your body is in the cemetery. I like how you've written that. The tone is uplifting, positive. You are telling us not to fear death, and also that we don't really die. Only our bodies do, our spirits live on, through those we leave behind. That's such a comforting notion.

Rhythm and Rhyme: This poem is free verse, and this is great because it allows you the freedom to be creative. The first three verses have an aacc rhyme scheme. This moves the beginning along at a nice pace. The next two verses don't have the rhyme scheme. But that's okay, because it slows the narrative down a little. Which gives the reader more time to contemplate your words. The last four lines are purely uplifting. I love the refrain of, "Rise up."

Favourite Lines "When you talk we still do hear/Our thoughts are with you my dear." These lines brought a tear to my eye. I really hope you're right about this. It's very emotional.

Suggestions I don't really understand this line: "We learned what was needed in this life." I'm confused about which life you are referring to. And, also, what did you learn? What is needed?

Parting Comments This is a really positive, uplifting poem. It would be a comfort to anyone who has lost people they love. Its message is warm and hopeful. Great job.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245793

Review of Frank

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi Chanon

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Chanon

First thoughts: I was drawn to this story your brief description. It sounded like it would be fascinating. And it is. It's a wonderful tribute to this man you met, only briefly. I love how you are the narrator, telling his story. That works really nicely.

Plot/Story: This is a true story, I think? When you were staying in hospital, your roommate was an old man, Frank, who escaped from a concentration camp as a young boy. The manner in which he escapes is so horrific. He is in the boxcar, travelling to the death camp, and he is old enough to understand how dangerous that is. So he finds a loose floorboard in the train and pulls, and scrape, and tugs until he gets it loose. Then, when the train slows, he drops down and lies under the train, and it passes over him, with hardly any room to spare. I cannot imagine how terrifying that must have been. It shows the horror surrounding these death camps. Interestingly, no other boys were brave enough to join him in his escape.

There were a few places that I found really emotional about this. Firstly, that Frank never saw his mother again. He never knew what happened to her. As a grown man, he cried for her at night. This was so sad. Also, the way Frank told you his stories over and over. Like his mind was stuck there, and he had some form of dementia. What a place for your mind to return to, though! That's cruel!

Characterisation: Frank is wonderful. He is brave and charismatic. I love how you tell us of his musical skills. How he sat in front of the piano for the first time, and could instantly play. So he became a musician. I love that.

What I Liked: Everything! Frank's story is filled with tragedy, but also hope. He escaped, he beat the evil people who were keeping him down. Also, the humour of the story. This line, spoken when Frank says his wife is just under six feet tall (he is only around five feet): “she could spit on my head.” That made me chuckle.

Parting Comments: This is a wonderful story, that is told beautifully. I'm so glad you have written it down, so that it's never lost. Frank's story deserves to be celebrated my many. Great job!

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245326

Review of Darkened Life

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Rob G. ~Led by the Master~

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Rob G. ~Led by the Master~

First Thoughts: I chose to review this poem because I love the title. When I read your brief description, I thought it was a perfect title. I have some experience in this field, so I was interested to read. As I first read through, I thought you have some lovely descriptions in there.

Poetic Tool Box

Voice/Tone: The voice is clearly your own. It sounds very personal, as though you have experience of the subject matter. Which you do, although not first hand. I can't help but think you have a wonderful understanding of your wife's illness. You obviously listen to her.

Rhythm and Rhyme: There is an abcb rhyme scheme running through each verse, although there are some additional rhymes in places. I like this. It means the poem can move along at a wonderful pace. Your use of punctuation helps the reader to know your intended meaning in every word. It tells us when to pause and contemplate.

Favourite Lines "By the ripple of a heartbeat." Those words are beautiful. In contrast with, "the twisted, calloused, ugly truth." I love how you begin the poem, with the "battered, broken lantern." I can really relate to that. I could quote most of the lines, actually, and give a valid reason why they are my favourites. It's a beautifully written poem.

Suggestions Not so much a suggestion, as a question. The last lines, "Depression's grip is never gone,/it's merely hidden from you." Who is the "you" to whom you are referring? Is it your wife, or an outsider. Just curious.

Parting Comments This is a really lovely poem. It describes eloquently the darkness and pain that one experiences when suffering. It's a great poem.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245280

Review of A Bridge to You

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Rhyssa

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Rhyssa

First thoughts: It was your brief description that drew me to this short story. It sounded like it was going to be a really emotional read, and that's exactly what it was. As I first read through, I was struck by how sad and desperate this man's situation is. I can't imagine what it would feel like to be him.

Plot/Story: This is a story about a man who is trying his hardest to get on with life, after losing his son. We are only given the barest of details about how he died. I thought it sounded like cot death. But I could be wrong. But that's not the important part. The important part is how the main character has dealt with it. Or not. It's not until we're almost at the end that we learn it's been five years since he died. I thought it was really recent until that point. When we meet his (ex) wife, she seems much better adjusted. She has met someone else, and wants to move on. She tries to get him to speak about their son, but he can't. It's just too painful. It's so sad. A real heart tugger of a story.

Characterisation: The main character is so tragic. He works at night and stays inside in the day. He does a job where he does't speak to anyone. I thought this line was especially poignant, when he wife knocks on his door: "I nod, wondering how long it has been since I participated in a conversation. Weeks, maybe even a month or more." My heart really goes out to this guy.

What I Liked: How complete, well rounded your character is. What I mean is, he is so life-like, he jumps off the page. You have done a really great job in creating him.

Parting Comments: This story is beautifully written. It's emotional, clever, and really engaging. It's a great job!

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245179

Review of OH, The Pleasure

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Stuart

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Stuart

First Thoughts: When I saw your title and brief description, I had to take a peek at this poem. As I first it read through, I found it really funny and entertaining. It's not a poem to be taken too seriously, I don't think. Your first two lines are a great hook, by the way: "I want to think about some drinks/I want to not be sober." These made me chuckle, but mainly because I can relate to them way too much!

Poetic Tool Box

Voice/Tone: The voice in this poem is personal. The narrator is speaking in the first person. But the tone is light and humorous, and I don't believe the reader is meant to try too hard to dissect its meaning.

Rhythm and Rhyme: The rhythm works really nicely. The poem has an abab rhyme scheme, which helps the poem zip along at a great pace. It's really easy to read.

Favourite Lines "All the world looks like a bad dream/A spinning, pitching rolling mess." I love these lines. They are so funny. Again, mainly because I've been there a few times myself, in my younger days. The "spinning, pitching, rolling" is a memory I don't think will ever fade completely. I love your warning at the end, as well, where you say: "Care not to treat with nonchalance."

Suggestions Just one tiny suggestion: In the line, "Drink too much and then fall over," I would take out the word "and." It seems to add an extra beat to the line, making the reader stumble over it a little.

Parting Comments This is a great little poem. It's really fun to read, and I'm sure there will be so many people who can relate to it. I really like it.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245165

Review of Buried Memories

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi Scarlett

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Scarlett

First thoughts: I chose to review this short story because your brief description is irresistible. I had no idea what it would be about, but I absolutely loved reading it. It's clever and it's beautifully written. An original idea, also.

Plot/Story: We are shown a woman who, in her words, is, "about to accomplish the last stage of her mission." We wonder what that mission is, especially, as she then sits at a grave and lays some flowers. But the backstory is fantastic. The woman whose grave she visits was murdered by her husband twenty-one years ago, but he made it look like suicide—and got away with it. We learn that main character, visiting the grave, has murdered the husband, all these years later.

Characterisation: The question through the whole story is who is this woman visiting the grave? Who is she, in relation to the dead woman? I thought maybe she was her daughter, but then she didn't have any children. I really tried to figure it out. But I didn't come close! She is actually the dead woman, reincarnated. I LOVE this reveal. It's wonderful. I couldn't work out how the woman knew what the dead lady went through, and the pain she had felt. It's so clever.

What I Liked: The reveal! I also love this line, "The watery sun dips behind clouds, a chill finger caresses my spine as I turn the rusty handle." It's so creepy. I love that "chill finger". It's a lovely description. It sets an eerie tone as she enters the cemetery.

Parting Comments: I really enjoyed reading this story. You have created an original, clever story, that is beautifully written. I love it!

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245136

Review of Ghost Hunting

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi Schnujo is Late to Lannister

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Schnujo is Late to Lannister

First thoughts: I love a good ghost story, and that's what drew me to this story. And it is a good ghost story. It occurred to me, as I read, it might be written for the G.o.T. prompt this week. But, anyway, I want to review it.

Plot/Story: This is the story of a wannabe ghost hunter, who is curious about an abandoned house, that seems to somehow take care of itself. She downloads an app that allows her to speak to ghosts, to ask them questions. I love this part, it's so creepy. I was completely immersed in the story, and just at the part where the ghosts answer "Six", my husband tapped me on the shoulder. I almost fell off my chair! You create the suspense so well in this story. It's brilliant.

If I'm honest, I didn't really get the last paragraph. It felt a little like the story wasn't finished. I also didn't really feel we needed to know any of the stuff about putting her friends numbers in her phone. It just didn't seem to fit.

Characterisation: Your character is brilliant! She is brave. She speaks to the ghosts, like they're old friends. She doesn't get apprehensive until the wind blows a chill through her. I would have been terrified the moment Robert answered me!

What I Liked: I really like your writing style. It's easy to fall inside, and get lost in the story. That's what we're all looking for when we read, right? You do it very well.

Suggestions: Just to cut the last paragraph and find a different ending.

Parting Comments: This is such an enjoyable story. I really like it. It's well written, it's entertaining, and I love it. Great job!

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245123

Review of Maverick

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi T.C. Abernathy

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for T.C. Abernathy

First thoughts: I chose to review this story because your brief description intrigued me. I had to know who the guy was, who the body was, and why he was getting rid of it. As I first read through, I was hooked from the very first word, and gripped until the end.

Plot/Story: This is exactly what your description reads: "a guy getting rid of a body in the desert." Except, it's not exactly what we think it is. This is one of the best twists I've read. The whole way through, we're thinking gangster, mafia: that kind of thing. But then the reveal at the end is: " I ran over my date’s dog." I laughed out loud when I read that! Along with feeling sorry for the dog, I hasten to add.

Characterisation: Tony goes to all this trouble to hide his prom date's dog, so she doesn't know he ran over it. That's a little spineless. Mean, as well. I'm not sure I like him, and I definitely don't like his step dad, who thinks the whole thing is hilarious.

What I Liked: The twist. It floored me. So clever.

Suggestions: I spotted a few typos. These are just some of them:
* "He stared down at the jumbled mass in the hole and let the truth of what had happened that night sink in. he had . . . " - Should be a capital h.
* "It hit the garbage sack and spread out like dirty water froze in time . . . " Should be "frozen."
* " . . . would be able to discern that anything was every amiss." - Should be "ever."
* " . . . rubbed his face trying to ride himself of the built up sleep." - Should be "rid."

Parting Comments: This is a really good story. I enjoyed reading it, and I couldn't wait to find out who Tony had killed. The twist, just brilliant!Great job!

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245099

Review of The Black Swan

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hi VictoriaMcCullough

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for VictoriaMcCullough

First thoughts: It was your title that drew me to this story. I like it. As I first read through, I thought you covered a very difficult subject. It's important to write pieces like this, to create wider awareness of topics, like abortion.

Plot/Story: Sharon is pregnant by her boyfriend, but neither of them want the baby. So Sharon has decided to have an abortion. In the mean time, she doesn't want to see her boyfriend. What I didn't understand was why Cynthia had such an opinion, like it was her business. I appreciate it's a divisive subject. But surely, the one person Sharon tells would be someone she could trust to be on her side.

I must admit I struggled a little with this story. You switch POV quite a lot. Like, at the beginning you mention Cynthia (from Sharon's point of view) then near the end, in the middle of Sharon's thoughts, you say, "Cynthia knew it was the fact that Sharon was having a hard time pleasing her boyfriend that was ironic--life seemed beautiful just the way it was." This is really confusing. There also moments you have an omniscient narrator. It makes it hard to follow.

Characterisation: The only thing we really learn about Sharon is she has a good job and doesn't want to the baby she's carrying. She doesn't seem to think her boyfriend is good enough.

What I Liked: The way you have brought up this subject. I can imagine it opening up dialogues between women, and girls, and that is a good thing.

Suggestions: Stick to one POV in a short story like this. It can be an omniscient narrator, who know everything. But one narrator is all we need.

Parting Comments: This is a really interesting story. It's such a tough subject, and I have great respect for you for tackling it. I just think the POV needs smoothing out a little.

Lady Purple, House Stark

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#4245074

Review of Fear Not the Dark

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi Sharon

This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones"

for Sharon

First thoughts: It was your title that drew me to this sort story. It sounds menacing and dangerous. As I first read through, I was completely gripped the whole time. I had to know who was in the house, and what would happen upon their discovery.

Plot/Story: Sarah Caldwell arrives home from work late one night. Her husband is out of town working, and something is not quite right when she looks at the house. She left a light on, but now it's off. She set the alarm, but now it's off. She hears a woman's voice, but still gets changed for bed. That part I don't understand. if all those things happened to me, at midnight, I would explore the whole house until I was satisfied it was empty. Or not. In this story, Sarah thinks her husband is in bed with another woman, and goes to stab him. But it turns out it's not her husband - nice twist. It's an escaped prisoner, and he kills Sarah. Here's another thing I'm not sure about. When Sarah's husband returns home (which he told her he wasn't going to), he says, "You promised." Meaning she promised to stay at her parents' place that night. So did he know the prisoner would be there? Did he know him? It's a good plot, but I feel there are a couple of areas to iron out.

Characterisation: We don't learn a lot about any of the characters. Except that Sarah is braver than me. Despite being "overprotected and coddled" by her parents, she still grabs a knife and goes looking for the intruder. The way she goes to stab the person she thinks is her husband does point toward her being spoilt, and used to getting her own way.

What I Liked: The twist. It came out of nowhere, and I love it when that happens.

Suggestions: Only what I've already mentioned. Make sure all actions are believable. Show us who the prisoner was in relation to Jim.

Parting Comments: I really enjoyed reading this story. It has a brilliant plot, and it's a great job!

Lady Purple, House Stark

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