I have a lot to say but will start with how impressed I am with all the details you able to pack into one chapter. That being said, I don't think this is the first chapter for a novel. I think you need some sort of hook that leads up to the opening part of this chapter where she is rising from bed. I am not a published author of fiction, so it is hard to say if I'm right. But from my perspective, I need something more to grab me with that open before we see the scene where she's rising from bed.
There is a lot that I can deconstruct from what I read and I want to complement you as much as I can as I go along, so please bear with me. Just an overall view of this chapter, I am drawn to Sadie and how this dog is going to be used in the story. I find the main character needs Sadie more than the kids because they are growing up...teenagers, and mom is not acknowledging this in references to children and noticing things about them that remind her of any innocence they have left. Sadie also seems to reflect the main character's personality at this point. So there is a process of evolution that as a reader I am looking forward to seeing.
This chapter is most telling about the woman going through the divorce process. I already see a lot of character flaws exhibited in what you wrote, which will be interesting to see play out. I think that the kids we'll get to know better as the story goes along. And these relatives that moved in, as well.
I wanted to see you take your time introducing us to the characters, as this felt a bit rushed. I wanted to see mannerisms and more description and definitely some dialogue, which I have yet to see you integrate into your story with use of attribution and described inflections, etc. But it is natural to want to get as much out as possible when you first attack a story. Now it comes down to breaking it up and writing more descriptive text around those pieces that you already have developed so well.
In my mind, this works as part of chapter one, as well as some parts to develop chapters two and three. And figuring out how you can hook a reader with chapter one will be up to you if you decide to go that route. What I liked, I believe, came from the third or fourth paragraph where she mentions losing a letter. This might be the thing that you grab the reader with, to tease us with what she's getting at before any descriptions of storms or whatever this light is that breaks through the curtains. It might be subconscious thoughts that one has either prior to, or waking up from, sleep? Just a suggestion, but it might help with putting the reader into the story sooner and then use the restless night to help accentuate the problem.
Have you outlined a novel yet? Sometimes, with something personal, it is hard to separate fact from fiction when you need to write. It may be difficult to embellish, but if you can take yourself out of the story, maybe you can see yourself developing a plot and structure it to the ending. That is, assuming this is written from personal experience. It is very insightful, so I can only assume.
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Now, to get into more detail, I want to talk about the open to this chapter and my impressions as I went along. I took notes and will now try to translate those into feedback:
I was first struck by the poetic feel of the opening paragraph. This works on me in a way that I can appreciate. It just needed something more, like I mentioned to grab me, as with a hook. The flashes of light was effective until I realized that this wasn't dawn yet. So then I had to go back and wondered were these flashes from a distant storm? There was no sound attributed to the light that was casting shadows in the corners of the room. You could have a very powerful moment here because of the foreboding a storm can bring to the story, especially one that is so far off it doesn't make sound. This is about coming to a reckoning with the day of the finalization of a divorce.
I wasn't sure what to make of the words "slithering" and "creep" in that first paragraph. What I'd like to imagine is that it implies feelings towards the soon-to-be ex? I think you have an opportunity here to maybe play around with subconscious thoughts, maybe something dreamlike with images to relate to those words. I'm not exactly sure where you were going with that, but if you want to imply the ex-husband perhaps some sort of images that resemble him? And I remind, these are merely suggestions based on me as a reader. Perhaps, knowing the intent of the author would help me give more direction. But we do have to remember that when a reader picks up a book, they also have little understanding of the direction the text is supposed to take. So, sometimes you have to think about your audience when you write to see if they will understand what you're trying to get across.
That being said, this was some excellent exposition. And I think with more development and editing with a hook, you really could have something special. Though, I don't know how I felt about her being in the fetal position. But, it does describe how anxious she is and how she reminds herself that others do not get to see her in these weak moments. As one of her character flaws, she does not get to let her guard down for fear that her enemy will devour her on site. As we are talking about the husband, I found the most powerful phrase "he has downgraded me" in reference to having to take the title of Ms. was most provocative.
So in a way, I see the main character falling in and out of sleep during a restless night. And then greets the day where there is sunlight. And meets her daughter downstairs after having everything meticulously prepared for breakfast. This is a servile woman who maybe judges her worth on how others value her. She is worried about her kids and the aftermath of the divorce.
In the fourth graph, this is where you start to rush through all of the thoughts about how Gabby and Zachary are coping. I think an introduction to each of the kids first before getting into these feelings would be helpful. Remember, the reader needs to process this information a bit more slowly. Perhaps, on a car ride to the courthouse she could be giving more thought to her family. Sometimes, in life, when we are in the moment we find that we are busy with the task at hand rather than thinking or opining about their situation. Otherwise, your main character would be distracted and breakfast would not be going off as successfully.
With the next two graphs, I find that everything is clicking well. I don't see a lot of need for alteration. The description is good and the thoughts in that next paragraph with not talking to Gabby about the situation seems a natural fit here. I think as readers we're more interested in Zachary's coping mechanisms. However, this is an opportunity to fit in some dialogue. It just helps with the natural flow of events so that a reader can feel like they are in the story. When you talk about Gabbys hair, I wonder if this is a topic for discussion. And perhaps, a mental note to the reader that her daughter is changing even though mom is not recognizing her girl is perhaps becoming a woman. Yet, my suggestion, not knowing the intent of the writer.
You know, I can't find much fault with the next paragraph where she is thinking about Zachary and going upstairs to roust him from bed. This seems like a natural transition from the previous graph. However, there may be more time later to consider his maturity and dealings with the breakup of the family.
When you introduce Sadie, I was a bit confused as to how a dog is the last to get up. But maybe that plays into the dog's personality as a whimper and not a barker. There is a lot of information here about this dog and a lot of recollections about its behavior. I think you need to save some of this for another chapter or chapters. Perhaps, these could be events that happen throughout the story rather than be recollected. We do want an introduction to all of these characters in our first encounters with them. So it is natural to have Sadie introduced here.
What you have in this dog makes me feel like it could be a movie based on an animal that teaches a family to love and to cope during difficult times. Most of all, I am hoping the main character finds some sort of salvation and self-respect in the process. I think if she exhibits behaviors that are quirky like the dog, we will see the parallels and root for both by the end of the story -- it's in the way that she dresses or style of her hair and how she fills the shoes of her ex after his departure from the family picture. I do wonder if the ex has found somebody already to replace her and how she handles that in the story. Your main characters psychological makeup is key to drawing the interest of people who will read your story.
On the subjects of character and plot development: As your reader, I like to be tempted with the taste of a little bit of everything. You provide us with these samplers like hors d'oeuvres before we get to the next course in the meal. So, this is the set up you want to do it well.
I am probably giving you way too much information with this review, and I hope it doesn't overwhelm you. I hope that it inspires you to look at what you've written and see if there's a way you can polish it better to your liking. I want you to be happy with what you produce, while keeping an eye to what readers like. There can be mutual ground for both.
Ultimately, having a vision for this piece of fiction that you offer is key to your success with a novel.
All the best and success to you,
Glaedr
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I accept review credits if I deserve rank. I accept merit badges as recognition, to be earned not bought…my opinion. I buy to support friends to maintain my shadowed equivalency, not pad.
I have low vision, ADHD. it’s tripped me up. I dust off, get back in the game.
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