Interesting premise, however here are a few suggestions:
Show, don't tell, interject some dialogue to balance the narrative and make your characters more believable through interaction. Start out with a conflict, (engine of the train).
Your protagonist should have a flaw that they overcome by the climax.
Hope this helps.
Happy Writing!
Interesting premise, however here are a few suggestions:
Show, don't tell, interject some dialogue to balance the narrative and make your characters more believable through interaction. Start out with a battle or chase or something to set the mood, (engine of the train).
Your protagonist should have a flaw that they overcome by the climax.
Hope this helps.
Happy Writing!
A
The cadence of your writing and how you propel the story forward, with such ease, well...ok..., I'm jealous. I think I'm the one who learned something from this review...thanks!
Nice twist.
My only edit would be to make the troll dialogue more "trollish", I wasn't convinced, yet don't really know how a troll should speak...that's open for discussion.
Such a great premise, interesting story line, this could be immensely expanded.
A few thoughts: I don't correct spelling or grammatical errors, just content...so on that note...I would suggest you try to show more instead of telling, use descriptive words that guide the reader's imagination, set the mood, and propell the story forward.
Also, write tight...easy to say, difficult to do. Take out extraneous or repetitive words, like the use of too many pronouns.
Revision is part of the process, but it is the story that compells a reader's interest...ergo, they will read and want more.
Happy Writing!
Andromeda
Watch out for the "to be" verbs, drags down the story, "ing" words as well, not that it has to be void of them, just nominal. More interesting adjectives for description would heighten the sense of a different place.
Overall, the story has great potential, and I can see that you have set it up to that end.
So now that you have a prologue...in essence...I would like to see this expanded.
Perhaps a novelette?
Articulate!
This is a great first draft. You could expand this, making sure to "show, don't tell."
Ex: Describe the basement, the house, the surroundings...sets the mood.
Remember...."It was a dark and stormy night."?
Set the mood, description helps readers imagine the place, putting them in the moment.
Check spelling and grammatical errors to clean it up...
Would definately like to see this revised and expanded.
Happy Writing!
Andromeda
This is a well written and thought out piece, using several types of literary techniques...repitition for effect...etc.
Thanks for sharing, but just some FYI, under my bed are dust-bunny dirges...LOL!
Happy Writing!
A
"A quarter mile run and won." The only thing I would change is this sentence to:
A quarter mile run, won.
Sounds like funny cars? quarter mile...Interesting perspective, I would add another stanza.
Happy Writing,
A
This could be the start of a wonderful story in the genre "magical realism", depending on where you go with it.
A few technical things: You should double space for reader ease; watch your placement of quotes and paragraphs.
You have some interesting twists already, as I predicted Em to be the one who was confronted...very good!!! And that Sean isn't King Arthur . . . way too predictable, nice!
Editing is always tough, but necessary, and as you work and read, you will find your "writers voice".
More detail intermingled with your dialogue would help the reader imagine the setting.
Happy Writing!
Interesting, it pulled me in from the start. Great idea for a story line, this could really go places. Even young teens are interested in this kind of story line. Just a couple of things...
"I smell the acidic smell of smoke, and the smell of incest." The incest part was confusing, at first I thought you meant incense, so maybe a little clarification there.
So what is the time period? 1500-2000? Perhaps more clarity on the issues of idolatry.
Really like it!
I find it difficult to review, as this seems more like a blog than a coherent story.
You have several stories interwoven here. And although some of the thoughts are interesting, you may want to separate them into pieces and expand. I apologize if I don't get it, but this is just one opinion...and a reactive one at best.
A
Shame on you for waving a carrot in front of me...
This excerpt pulled me into it immediately.
You certainly have implemented all the five senses, which is critical to a stories interest. I can't wait to read the rest....already the PLOT thickens to a tumultuous level....and when a reader doesn't want to stop reading you have accomplished your goal of great writing.
Good luck....
Your writing is honest and pure. Have you considered writing a fiction novelette and incorporating your experiences?
Imagine young adult fiction that could reach so many who, as you said, "you don't have to be alone"...they would surely benefit. I want to read more and know that there are people out there who stretch themselves to guide others.
Are you familiar with Robert Cormier? The Chocolate War, The Bumble Bee Flies Away, I am the Cheese...?
You already have the makings of a great writer.
I wish you all the best.
Your writing is well done, however, there are a few things to tweak.
Your paragraphs should be kept to one idea. This will help the overall flow.
The pulse or cadence could use some interjection of dialogue, this is the most significant part that I see which needs attention, and readers will want to continue reading. Always remember, "Show, don't tell". You have a multitude of information and it must be cleverly interwoven with compelling dialogue. Having your characters speak can give your reader a sense of them without explanation.
Definately, split into chapters (which you have indicated).
The plot could also benefit from moving a conflict towards the beginning, subsequently, when the chapters are clear, the ending of one should leave a question in the readers mind, compelling them to read on.
Personally, a great story line.
I admire this piece. However, somewhere in the middle I didn't understand your purpose for writing it. Where were you taking us, the readers? What was your purpose for writing this story?
I understand (I think) that your story goes full circle back to the beginning, but what has been learned? I would like to see you add more grit to it, stuffing, you know.....meaning.
Enjoyed your dialogue, great first person narrative writing.
Happy writing,
A
So enjoyable, your sense of surroundings and personification richly enhanced the journey. I like the surprise ending twist.
Only one description that I couldn't see, the heart as a worm....but oh well.....still a nice read.
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