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Public Reviews
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51
51
Review of Ghetto Life  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: Ghetto Life

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: I thought your story was interesting. I wondered why this young man thought he represented all of his race. Personally I hate grouping people by race, I'm more into good, okay and bad people. I don't care what race they come from.

But I digress, I thought your narrator's thoughts about what 'black' means was quite thought provoking. You're correct of course that 'black' people come in a number of 'different shades of black'. I truly don't understand why it matters.

Trust me, being white doesn't mean you'll have a father, but you may be correct saying there would be a higher chance that you would.

I like the part about Daloon helping the police officer because it was the right thing to do. It was the right thing and the police should have thanked him.

I hope Daloon, if you write about him again, doesn't let this stop him from doing the right thing. Though it might be hard considering where he lives, he CAN get out and do some good with his life. He can be successful if he truly wants to be.

*Vignette6* What I liked: I liked your voice in this and think that you should keep on writing. You'll only get better and better!




*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

jdenningberg

52
52
Review of The Burning  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: E Pluribus Unum


*Vignette6* What I liked: There was lots to like in this piece. The voice of the character came through, his fear, anger, love all of that worked well. I think as well you did a good job with the after effects of war, what it can do to the mind and spirit of people who see it up close.

There are however, things I didn't like about this piece at all. Those things made this piece feel like it was written by an inexperienced author who couldn't come up with anything better than repeating the same sentence over and over and over again.

The phrase, I'm not going to die, is repeated 15.5 times (I think the count is correct but it may be off).
It was just too much and after the first 4 times using it lost its effectiveness. And it was effective at first.

You do the same with BAD THOUGHTS and Kill Her ... not as often but too often. I understand what you are attempting to do but it just did not work for me.

In between that are some brilliant pieces of writing and insight into this man's tortured mind and his short period of recovery.


In closing this review, I hope that I haven't been too harsh. I did like most of this piece very much and you did a wonderful job with it.

Thanks for the opportunity to read it.



*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

jdenningberg
53
53
Review of The Photo  Open in new Window.
Review by Simply Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: The Photo

*Vignette6* What I liked: This is a sweet story of remembrance and friendship recalled and realized through the review of old photographs.

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: To be honest and I hope that's what you are looking for, I found the first part of this story overlong and somewhat repetitive. There was just too much about picking up and handling the photos. I mean to the point that I almost didn't bother to finish reading this piece which would have been a shame.

Personally, I would recommend that you redo the second to fourth paragraphs. There is much that can be removed which would make the story more interesting. Try not to describe things that would be assumed or just don't matter.

I noticed a few things as I read:

1. Maybe she thought it was a good way to try to escape from the permeating melancholy that invaded her life recently by the moving out of her ex live-in boyfriend.

This sentence is very awkward. Consider:

Maybe she thought it was a good way to try to escape from the permeating melancholy that HAD invaded her life recently by the moving out of SINCE her ex live-in boyfriend moved out.

2. It was over and done, she thought, as she hefted the box up, carried it out of the closet, and set it on her old worktable in the extra room.

Consider using quotations marks and italics for character's thoughts. Also there is too much description here:

"It was over and done," she thought. She hefted the box and carried it out of the closet to her old worktable in the extra room.

Try reading the story aloud this makes is easier to remove the unnecessary.


In closing this review, I have to say that there is much I liked about this story. I thought it something we all go through at some point - letting a friendship slide away. Though most of us don't take the time to rekindle it. Perhaps this story will remind some to just go for it, life is too short not too.

Keep on writing and sharing your work!



*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

jdenningberg
54
54
Review of One Last Ride  Open in new Window.
Review by Simply Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: One Last Ride

*Vignette6* What I liked:


I enjoyed reading this story. I especially enjoyed the descriptions of Sally as she stood in front her picture window. You set the scene and really painted a mental picture with your description of Pikes Peak. It brought back memories of my visit there! The little bit of history was a nice touch too! It fit in perfectly.

This worked so well, the whole piece flowed so well and the memories were very well done I felt very close to this.

Did you act this out yourself, because Sally’s procrastination was perfect. I mean who hasn’t done the, 'can I put this off until tomorrow' thing?

There were a couple of little issues that I ran across which I will show you below:

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions:

She tied the horse out of site – site should be sight

She was about to cross when, one of the cars stopped.
She was about to cross when another car came along. (You used this phrase twice in three sentences, consider re-wording it as it is a little off-putting, I thought I’d made a mistake as to where I was and had to re-read.)

“Didn’t you used to ride horses,” John said? (The question mark is in the incorrect place here.)

“Thanks, John. I’ll take you up on that” she said as she turned toward her house. (punctuation missing after ‘that’)


Again a wonderful short story! I enjoyed reading it.

*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

jdenningberg
55
55
Review of The Food Chain  Open in new Window.
Review by Simply Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: The Food Chain

*Vignette6* What I liked: I thought this was a good idea, original and interesting. I liked what I read, the ideas were good as was most of the dialogue.


*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: There were some issues throughout which I'll share with you in this part of the review. My biggest issue though is how this ended. Suddenly the clones are there one day and gone the next. Having them just disappear with no explanation was disappointing. Some type of explanation would be good, say you found some dead clones, perhaps they weren't as strong as 'normal humans' and they died off. Maybe a doctor amongst the survivors could examine one and offer a theory.

Here are a few things I noticed:

Issue: I live in the community of preyed. The world is now run by predators.

Consider: Preyed is a verb, so how about this: I live in a community of prey; the rest of the world is run by predators.

Issue: Night’s the only time we can be outside. The predators can’t see in the dark. (make into one sentence)

Consider: Night's the only time we can be outside; the predators can't see in the dark.

Issue: You’d think the bozos who invented this would’ve thought that through. Because of that oversight, there’s some time when we’re not hunted.

Consider: You'd think the bozos who invented this would've though that through. Because of that oversight there are times when we're not hunted.

Issue: We’re back in the Stone Age. We’re back to Stone Age living but with Computer Age workers. (repetitive)

Consider: We're back in the Stone Age but with Computer Age cavemen. Or We're back in the Stone Age but the cavemen are Computer Age.


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

jdenningberg
56
56
Review of The Elevator  Open in new Window.
Review by Simply Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Stuart, I'm back for my read of this great story after you did some major editing. I have to say the story is tighened up and there is more tension as well. I found it flowed better and I think introducing the characters somewhat earlier was helpful. I re-rated this to a 4.5.

I found myself reading faster hoping to found out what's at the bottom of the shaft even though I know the story already. So whatever you did worked for me.

My only issue is the formatting. It would be easier to read if the large blocks of text were divided up a little more. A bit more white space between would just make it easier on the eye that's all.

Beyond that, I didn't see anything that jumped out at me. It's a great story and I hope that you'll be inspired to tell us what's at the bottom and what happens to these brave explorers!

Keep up the great work.

jdenningberg
57
57
Review of I Can See You  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (2.5)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: I Can See You

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: I did notice sometimes that some sentences seemed too long and they were a bit awkward. For example:

Dharlene Bernards spent her recess by reading a pocketbook given by her Aunt Hilda for her seventeenth birthday, which is today, sitting in the shade of the apple tree just outside of her school building.

Consider this suggestion:

Dharlene Bernards spent her recess reading a pocketbook given to her by her Aunt Hilda. Today was her seventeenth birthday and she sat in the shade of the apple tree outside her school enjoying her gift.

Try reading your story outloud to hear where sentences can be tightened up.

*Vignette6* What I liked: This story is good. I thought you did a good job making Dharlene feel like a real person and all of the dialogue had a realistic feel. I liked the birthday scene and again the dialogue between parents and child was well done.

I feel sorry for the poor girl being haunted so quickly after killing that poor man. That was scary but I thought maybe you should have spent more time on that. The haunting section so short. If you make it a little more drawn out it would help to build up the tension. You could have the parents notice she's upset, have the haunting start slowly and build up to make things scarier and tense.

All in all, this was good but you an improve by editing it and tightening it up. Good job and a good idea. Keep on writing and sharing your stories with us!


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

jdenningberg
58
58
Review of Mister Goat  Open in new Window.
Review by Simply Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story:Mister Goat

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions:Story about an odd set of parents with an odd child. Bradley lives a lonely life and befriends a goat. Still it is interesting and there are moments of brilliance in it.

I had issues with the parents, they seemed too weird to be real, though who can tell for sure. I think Bradley could be alone often without the parents having to be almost cruel to the kid.

The beginning of this felt rushed and while you tell us a lot, not much is shown and it's hard to feel for Bradley really. Expand the beginning and show us how Bradley really feels. He just seems to take it, while later you tell us the returned Mr. Goat is Bradley's anger and hate and resentment. It's hard to believe because you haven't made Bradley that whole real person to the reader.


aunt Margery s/b Aunt Margery

He lived in the outskirts s/b on the outskirts

His previous owner had to move from town, and left all of the farm animals in the care of the Harrisons. (This doesn't make much sense, should it be the previous owner had to move TO town?)

I don't understand the reference to Mister Goat being for a private purpose. If it doesn't mean anything or there's no other reference to it in the story, why put it in?

old automobile pulled up to the house and out steps an elderly looking woman. (steps s/b stepped)

Why does the little league guys think Bradley is a freak. You need to make Bradley more real, three dimensional, so we understand why they feel like that.

Its head was dawned with jewelry, (dawned means it came to me. I think you mean donned, to don means to put on)

You don’t to kill me again, do you?” (not sure if you want to say, You don't want to kill me again or You don't want me to kill again)

The hellbeast almost smiled through its rotting face (nice this one, but period needed)

Bradly demanded trough the sobs. “Stop it aunty! (trough s/b through and aunty s/b Auntie)

he creature’s decapitated head chocked out (chocked s/b choked)

and spoke softly through his tears (just needs a period)



*Vignette6* What I liked: I really liked some of your descriptions and the scary stuff was rather scary, especially the third last paragraph!! More fear from Bradley and maybe some sounds from Aunt Margery before the goat kills her might help the tension.

All in all, this was good! Keep on writing, just remember to edit, edit, edit and then edit again before posting!!

*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

simply of House Martell
59
59
Review by Simply Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story:Monster chapter 2

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: Well it's obviously not finished but this does have potential. I think you need to do a bit more editing before you post, another technique is to read the whole thing out-loud so you can hear where there could be improvements made.

There are a few issues with this piece. I've tried to point out a number of them for your reference:

The opening paragraph used the word beep a few times too many. As well, how can a noise appear? You cannot see a noise.

I think that you just need to re-work some of your sentences to make them flow better and tighten them up.

Here is a suggestion:

A beeping sound roused my foggy brain. The sound continued until, irritated, I slowly opened my eyes. The room was dark but rays of sunlight found their way through the thick curtains.

Same with the second paragraph:

The light brought memories back, my parents dead bodies, Elena stabbed and Ryan shot. I hoped it was all a nightmare but if it was did that mean that I'd only dreamt that Ryan was a friend, that he wasn't real? If he wasn't I would have been glad, I wouldn't give up my family for anything.

There are also issues with use of capitals and quotation marks and dialogue in some places like this:

I could only nod. The doctor held out three fingers, "how many fingers am I holding out?" he asked, "three" I responded.

Consider this instead:

I could only nod. The doctor held up his fingers, "How many fingers am I holding up?"

I squinted, "Three."

"Correct."

Try not to repeat the actions in the dialogue, that will help with showing rather than telling. See red section above for example.

*Vignette6* What I liked: I think this just needs some editing and reworking. The story itself is good!

Keep on working and writing. Thanks for sharing!


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

simply of House Martell
60
60
Review of Phone Service  Open in new Window.
Review by Simply Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: Phone Service

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: I didn't have an real technical issues with this piece, beyond the formatting. A little too much space between the paragraphs. You can go back and edit this to correct that easily.

Rather than a story, this felt a bit more like a report. I think you could possibly add to the tension if the narrator tried to figure out who it might be that's calling. He doesn't have to know, but some conjecture would add interest to this piece.

Also if you relate how all this was making the narrator feel. Was he upset, afraid, creeped-out, how did it feel?

Expand on his thoughts a bit, for example when he's told to check the mail. Why would he normally have just thrown that piece of mail away? Describe it to us.

Why on the last call was there no static? Any thoughts about that.

Make the narrator into someone, that's why I say this feels like a report, because as a reader, though this interesting, I feel nothing for the narrator.


*Vignette6* What I liked: This is a fun paranormal piece, I found it reminiscent of something from the Twilight Zone. That's no insult, they had some good creepy stuff on there sometimes! Had there been cell phones then, this would have worked!

All in all, I liked this. You have some good ideas. I hope you continue to share your work!!


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

simply of House Martell
61
61
Review of Sweet dreams  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: Sweet Dreams (caps please on titles)

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: I chuckled when I read this and I thought, Dreams meet Monsters Inc.

I couldn't find much to quibble about in this story, but the following sentences really didn't work for me:

The Author was unnerved by his presence, fumbling under his gaze. He shook himself up, trying to concentrate. 'Y-Yes. Um, I need a muse. Where's your fantasy department?'

Consider: The Author was unnerved by his presence, fumbling under his gaze. He shook himself up, trying to concentrate. 'Y-Yes. Um, I need a muse. Where's your fantasy department?'

Dexter's eyes went wide, for the first time in his existence - scared. (It feels like something is missing or it is incomplete.)

Consider:

Dexter's eyes went wide, and he was for the first time in his existence - scared.



*Vignette6* What I liked: I thought your story was original, amusing and well written. I think it was a bigger job that you might think getting all the correct terms in there and making sure they all work work together and sound right.

The premise for this piece is well, frankly brilliant. Who would wonder where all our stray thoughts end up, you obviously. Great job.

All in all, a very good story. Thanks for sharing!

*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

jdenningberg
62
62
Review of Ducks and Glory  Open in new Window.
Review by Simply Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your script: Ducks and Glory

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: This piece was well written and quite funny. I have never been one for reading scripts (so I'm not an actor!) but decided to give this a go since you promised it was amusing! I wasn't disappointed.

I thought the stage directions were well done. Brief (which is good) but they certainly painted the mental picture required.

Having a mum and husband who are English, I'm not sure about Francis' accent from British sitcoms, maybe by watching BBC news might be more realistic.

I didn't find many issues with this piece. But, I did notice this:

nostalgia...My father was a sculptor. (The ellipses are not done correctly. There should be a space before the ellipses and before the start of the next word. It should look like this:

Mary stopped to think ... but then continued to speak.


*Vignette6* What I liked:I liked the dialogue in this. It felt very real and was quite amusing. The characters personalities were realistic as well. I didn't find myself thinking, oh I don't think that would happen.

Frankly, I'd enjoy seeing this short play. I hope you keep writing and I will visit your port to look at your other work.


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

simply of House Martell

jdenningberg

63
63
Review of Final entry  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: final entry (Titles really should start with capital letters.)

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: This was a journal entry and was quite good however there are a number of technical errors which can be fixed. Correcting them will make this piece more professional. I'll point some out for you as we go.

Issue spelling: My heart is pounding so loud I fear he the Nazis will here hear it.

Issue spelling: ten Boom should be Ten Boom

Punctuation: They took us in when no one else would . Watch the placement of the period, there should be no space between the final word and the period.

Issue spelling: It was madding. s/b maddening.

Issue spelling: It has been quite for several hours now. quite s/b quiet

Issue spelling: see there smiling there s/b their

Please reformat the spacing in this piece to leave more space between the paragraphs. It just makes it much easier to read online. More people are likely to read things if there are spaces. Just a suggestion.

*Vignette6* What I liked:

Actually there was much I liked about this piece. I especially liked when the narrator tells why he brought his journal and what it does and may have meant if he hadn't. Your voice really shines through in this section.

All in all, this was good. It just needs some re-editing! Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing it with us.

*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

simply of House Martell
64
64
Review by Simply Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
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*Books1* A longer item review for the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. May Raid *Books2*



Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: Dragoman Challenge

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: Heather I liked the idea of this story you don't find a lot of pure adventure stories, so this was great to see. It does seem to me to be a bit over-written in places like it is trying too hard to make a point or draw a picture.

Here's what I noticed:


Issue:The sun rose an hour ago and the temperature were wasalmostunbearable inside the vicinity of the tent. Moisture formed on the dark green of the fabric, as it seemed to do everywhere in the rainforest.

Why is almost unbearable hyphenated?

The temperature is or was, not were.

Inside the vicinity of the tent? That just doesn't make sense.

What is the dark green of the fabric? It should be just the dark green fabric.


Issue: Having vacated the tent ten minutes earlier, Toby gave Ellie some much sought after privacy. With one big Groggy, Ellie fumbled around and managed to escape her sleeping bag and the blankets on top.

Lack-lustred - is not a word.
Lacklustre is, and means a less than stellar performance, lacking in vitality, humdrum etc. If Ellie is tired or exhausted say that or check a thesaurus for other words. You could also say Ellie felt lacklustre.

Item: When she finally graced Toby with her presence, his eyes that were beneath a furrowed brow pinned her to the spot.

This sentence is very awkward to read. Read it outloud and see what you think. It just needs to rearranged so if flows better. For example:

When she finally graced Toby with her presence his furrowed brow and the look he gave her, pinned her to the spot.

Item:

The constant lack of sleep cast a shadow on her face, an alarming red moundspot stood out on her cheek stood out, her long hairwasmatted and damp from thesweat sticking to her face... Worse, she didn’t dare look down at the sweat patches on her pyjamas she could feel sticking to her skin.

Item: Try to use less of these 'ly' words you don't need them. For example here:

He sounded like a suspicious parent and it made her jump abruptly.

This sounds good without the 'ly' word.

Item:

It wasn’t a pleasant scent and to clear her nose, Ellie inhaled the strong aroma of black coffee to escape/clear it. With only fifteen minutes left until they needed to leave, she gobbled up breakfast with a fervent need.


Item:
In the dense jungle terrain the jeep could easily be totalled by an accident caused myby recklessness.

Question: Imagining behind closed eyelids anything but the monotony of the drive helped pass time. (Would a drive through the jungle really be monotonous? Just a thought.)

Item: He must have terrible muscle aches she assumed watching his biceps relax now ('again' might be better than 'now').

Item: Parting with such information returned her nervousness about the terrible possibilities of what could happen in the dark. (instead of 'returned' why not use reinforced?)


*Vignette6* What I liked:I liked the idea of this story. I have a few questions but I think before I ask them I will have to go back and read the other chapters.

Personally I think you just need to read this outloud and do a bit of editing to help make things flow a bit better.

Thanks so much Heather!!


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*


All the best

simply of House Martell
65
65
Review by Simply Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story:A Weight Worth Bearing

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: Interesting inspirational short story. Original and different.

While Andrew contemplated the picture in the locket, the jaded side of me wondered if anyone who would steal a locket to sell would actually think this way. Not that this couldn't happen, but it's just something to think about.

This is just a small ommission:

The sounds coughing passengers and cell phone ringtones were drowned out soon after.

Correction: The sounds of coughing ...

I found the use of italics worked well in emphasising Andrew's thoughts.

I liked this description:

The crows feet that bookended her clouded eyes didn't demonstrate anything in particular to him, (I think it's a little awkward though with the two 'ed' words) what about:

The crows feet that were bookends to her clouded eyes ... just a thought.


*Vignette6* What I liked: I liked how you condensed Andrew's world down first to 26 blocks, then to the bus and then to locket itself and how this process affected his thoughts. I liked how he focused more and more on who the woman and her family were and what could have happened to them. This type of thinking made him think more about them and himself.

All in all a good story with a good opening and a nice moral for an ending.


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

simply of House Martell
66
66
Review of The Little Devils  Open in new Window.
Review by Simply Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: The Little Devils

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: Though this piece was good there are a few things you could do to improve this piece.

The first would be to reformat it so there are spaces between the paragraphs. It is helpful when reading online.

Rather than telling the reader things, it makes reading something more interesting if it can be shown rather than the narrator telling us. For example the narrator tells use that Charles has blond hair and brown eyes.

Instead of telling us that show us. Perhaps when Charles gets up he pushes back a stray lock of blond hair, for example.

Another thing you can try is to refer to Charles in other ways instead of using his full name each time. I noticed you did use Charlie but the surname is not always necessary unless the House Master is speaking to him.

Also give the adults names, it just makes them real to the reader. It's more interesting.

Just a little error: tip – toed should be tip-toed.

I would suggest reading your piece out loud and removing excess words. For example here:

What is going on in here?” said the house master, as he entered and switched on the lights and saw feathers all over the wooden floor, “And what’s all this?”

Consider: "What is going on in here?" The house-master switched on the lights. White feathers covered the floor and the boys. "And what is all this?" (you don't need to say he entered, that is understood since he is turning on the lights and talking to the boys.)

This is an interesting article you might find of use:

http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1153...


*Vignette6* What I liked: All in all I thought this was a sweet tale of boys in boarding school. It made me smile and I rather like your gentle writing style.

Please keep on writing and developing your style. I think you'll be very good.



*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

simply of House Martell
67
67
Review by Simply Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (3.5)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: The Social Contract, Chapter 0.5

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: Okay when I first started to read this I thought, will I be this annoyed all the way through? Well guess what, I wasn't. Your choppy say-whatever-comes-to-mind style rather put me off at first, but I slowly warmed to your humour and way with words until I was won over completely.

I enjoyed this piece. I think most people who read it will enjoy it and it will take them back to their school days in one way or another.


*Vignette6* What I liked: I liked this insightful part, I found it rather sad that a child thought this way. Perhaps it's modern life:

I continued to watch the girls with a healthy amount of mean amusement, because clearly they still had a lot to learn about the world, but also no small amount of envy, because, well, they still had a lot to learn about the world. Why didn't my friends and I ever do anything fun like that anymore? Yes, we were in the double digits now, but couldn't we occasionally set aside our dignity and build something out of pudding?

All in a good amusing but still poignant piece.


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

simply of House Martell
68
68
Review of The Elevator  Open in new Window.
Review by Simply Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: The Elevator

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: Stuart, I like the originality of this piece and the mystery. I think though it is repetitive in some parts. I think this could be a brilliant prologue but it needs to be edited and tightened up.

For example the following, use either kilometers or miles, it just sounds odd with both and I'd not bother mentioning feet or yards:

The depth, although not accurately known, was believed to be in the region ofover (whatever number) kilometres or perhaps even miles rather than feet or yards, based on whatever proof or legends the explorers had discovered.

Fours years as the time frame is mentioned 3 times. The reader will know after the first time you mention it - I'd have Mike mention the time frame myself, not the narrator.

Other things are repeated too often (like this is a mystery) which made me feel like it was dumbed down like modern documentaries are now. Constant repetition after the commercial. I would read it out loud and note where you can trim and tighten this up. Sometimes less is more and the extra words reduce the tension this piece needs.

Also to make it easier to read, it would be great if you reformatted it somewhat to leave more space between paragraphs.

*Vignette6* What I liked:

I like the way you describe the elevator just sitting there. Waiting. I would look at ways increasing the tension around this. Perhaps introduce the people before the elevator so we are scared for them when they finally decide to take the journey.

I also like the bits of technical info you interject. Like no counterbalance so no way back. Just terrific.

I hope you will be prepared to tell us more about their adventures. This is a good idea and you could expand it.

*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

simply of House Martell
69
69
Review of Liquid Sugar  Open in new Window.
Review by Simply Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: Liquid Sugar

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: Interesting title and the story is a snapshot of a married brother visiting his single brother. I found parts of this difficult to read, it seems to be over-written, like it tries too hard to make me see what's going on.

The opening paragraph is good but it could use some tightening up:

Jamie was dressed like a model from one of those a classy vodka commercial. As Clyde swung his lean legs out of the car door, Jamie strode outside to greet him. The two embraced just as brothers do. Jamie attempted to conceal his innate joy, but Clyde's wide grin permitted reciprocation. (This last sentence sounds very unemotional, in my opinion.)

Item: From the passenger door emerged Clyde's wife, Sarah. "Sarah, how are you?" said Jamie.

This feel awkward, why not simply say: Clyde's wife, Sarah emerged from the passenger's door. Jamie greeted her, "Sarah, how are you?"

Item: "Not too bad, Jamie. How's life as a single man?" (Why would she say this? It sounds like she want to start an argument. Doesn't really fit the profile based on what you say about her later.}

Item: "Nothing feels better." (Really? This guy is dissing his brother and his family in one go.)

Item: Sarah looked down as if to disagree. Jamie looked past her and into the back seat. "Oh my goodness," he exclaimed, "you have another member of the Jennings clan?" (Didn't they tell him they were pregnant again? Not in 9 months or after the child was born? Not very believable.)

Consider: "Oh my goodness," he exclaimed, "Is this the newest member of the Jennings clan?" (Writing it this way shows he knew there was a child at least.)

Item: "Why of course" said Jamie as he brushed a fleck of dust off his suit. Jamie started up the front steps as Sarah made her way back returned to the car to wake up the kids. Clyde hesitated, placing one foot on the front steps and the other upon the tarmac, but then moved to join his brother.

Item: Opposite the front door was a towering wall of glass that overlooked the ocean and just past it satwas a sunken, steaming hot tub. The steady stream of wind from the shore ocean met the steam emanating from the tub in a swirling picturesque collision.

Item:

"Nice house," said Clyde, "definitely an upgrade from the last one."

"One could even say that I reap the benefits of being a working bachelor."

(Who is talking here? First it was Clyde then Jamie, who is this, you expect Clyde as there is nothing to indicate otherwise.) *Right* "Listen, Clyde, just don't bring up that whole bachelor thing with Sarah around. She hates it."

Item: Jamie chuckled and opened the refrigerator. "Yeah, I can tell," he muttered. (Miss comma)

Item: Jamie pulled a bottle of cream out of the refrigerator and turned on the coffee-maker. Sarah walked through the door. "This is quite the house, Jamie" she hollered from the front door. (Bit of confusion as to where Sarah is. They are in the kitchen and then you say she's walked through the door, the reader thinks she is in the kitchen so why is she hollering? Then she's back at the front door. See what I mean?)

"I'm aware," bellowed Jamie said proudly,"and if you so wish you and the kids can go and enjoy the beach."

Item: Jamie swiveled his head around to ensure that watch Sarah and the kids had left leave. When he was certain that they had, he stood up and trotted Then he stood and moved to the coffee-maker. He removed the pot as and warm brown liquid continued to trickle onto the counter. Clyde felt an urge to say something, but he sensed that Jamie was aware of the rapidly widening brown puddle. "How's life?" asked Jamie while he poured coffee into the first of two mugs.

Item: Silence floated into the room and Jamie felt the urge to broach his own affairs. (Silence cannot float.) Consider changing the sentence to something like: The lingering silence gave Jamie the urge to broach his own affairs.

Item: "The boss bumped me up in the order of things so I got a little pay raise." said Jamie (period needed). He smiled in satisfaction and pulled a tall bottle out of the cabinet above his head. He tilted the bottle and a syrupy, clear liquid flowed through the top.

Item: For a brief moment he thought he saw wisps of the younger Clyde drift towards the sea with in the steam from the hot tub.

Clyde looked into Jamie's bright, energetic eyes as they filled with and saw streams of hedonistic pleasure s flowing into his cornea. He absorbed his lavish surroundings with a sense of purpose that Clyde had never seen before, even in the greediest of men.


You need to check the punctuation in the end of your sentences where there is dialogue. I noticed a few places it's missing but only pointed it once in this review.

I think I noted as well you used 'uttered Jamie', twice in a couple of sentences. I'd change one of them so it's not repetitive.



*Vignette6* What I liked:

The end was very abrupt. At first I didn't like it, but now after consideration I think that I do.

Though I point out a bunch of issues in this piece, I don't think they are major problems. I think you just need to be careful with your imagery and how you choose to describe things.


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

simply of House Martell
70
70
Review of Redux - chapter 1  Open in new Window.
Review by Simply Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: Redux

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions:

I believe your idea is a good one and I know this is just a draft but there are somethings that you can improve.

The first paragraph could use some beefing up to make it grab your reader's interest. I sound that sentences were a bit awkward and didn't flow well. You can tighten them up by reading your work out loud.

For example:

Charlie focused her blue eyes on the vastness of empty space before her and tried not to think about the lack of coffee in her cup. Despite the fact that it was nearing one in the morning and she’d been warned by Rhodes, their on board head Doctor, not to drink caffeine at such irregular intervals, she wanted more. Charlie loved the dark substance too much.

Consider:

Azure eyes focused on the vastness of space and though weary, Charlie tried not to think about her now empty coffee cup. It was nearing one in the morning and the on-board doctor, Rhodes, had warned her not to take caffeine at such irregular intervals but Charlie loved the dark liquid too much, she wanted more.

Suggestion: The first sentence in the second paragraph didn't make sense to me. It didn't seem to belong to the first or second paragraphs:

And they would be back on solid ground in less than three days anyway. (usually if you are using and, it would relate to the thought before it, but this does not.)

Consider: Going through piece again and tightening it up. Remove words you do not need, I have crossed them out below as an example:

A smile curled her lips as she sunk further into the pilot’s seat. Her feet were crossed at the ankles and propped on the control panel, a bad habit she’d picked up from Zach, her pilot, and let herself close her eyes for a brief moment. She let the light hum of the ships engines lull through her, settle deep and low in the depths of her bones and provide a comfort to her. It wasn’t anything noticeable, but once you’d been flying in space, deep space for years, a person started to feel it.


I like the idea of this story and I look forward to your next draft!


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

simply of House Martell
71
71
Review of All Saints Day  Open in new Window.
Review by Simply Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
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Hello:Buick McKane, I am reviewing your story, All Saints Day.

What I Liked: I'm not sure what I liked really. I know that I didn't hate it.

Suggestions: There are a number of issues with this piece.

The opening paragraph is okay. The first line is odd though, why say 'from somewhere'? That doesn't make much sense, is it coming from the sky?

There are many words that should be capitalized, just Arizona, July, McDonalds.

I am not sure about this or why you use the asterisks:

Hi!" *smile* She assumed the people in the store were glad to see her.

Consider: "Hi!" She smiled, assuming the people in the store were glad to see her.

Issue: Katie giggled.. going straight over to the cooler and sliding just that off of one shelf.

Consider: If you use ellipsis, then there should be space before and after them like this:

Katie giggled ... going straight over to the cooler and sliding just that off the shelf.

Issue: he Sheriff's car cruised into the parking lot and slowly lurched it's way beside the unfamiliar '76 Nova to park.

Suggestion: Here it's should be its as the car is not a person it is a thing.

There are some other issues such as the use of asterisks in the swear words. I would suggest that either you don't use the swearing or change the rating of this piece to over 18 and put them in properly.

As well, it would be helpful to the reader that you format this correctly with dialogue for each character separated otherwise it is very hard to follow.

My Favourite Part:

Can't say I had a favourite part, but I didn't find this comedic at all. It sounds like a sad Bonny and Clyde type of thing.

It is not terrible but you just need to be a bit more careful with the basics of writing.

I hope you decide to come back to this and fix it up and continue it.

Keep on Writing!

All the best,

simply


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72
72
Review of Pinky Swear  Open in new Window.
Review by Simply Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hello: Duane Engelhardt, I am reviewing your story Pinky Swear.

What I Liked: Interesting little slice of life story. Not sure what the contest is/was.

I thought the dialogue was good and the end was a surprise. It made me smile. Once you know the secret, hints jump out of characters words.

Suggestions: Nothing jumped out a me.

My Favourite Part:

The boys entered the hidden circle and checking once over their shoulders to make sure they were alone, they unzipped and peed. A steady stream of urine washed its way through the dry soil and leaves. Once done they ran back out in to the park.

All in all this was well done.
Keep on Writing!

All the best,

simply


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73
73
Review by Simply Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
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Hello: CCD, I am reviewing your story, Suburbs Turned Him Orange.

What I Liked:I thought this piece was quite good. At some points I think the imagery is brilliant. But there are some issues.

Suggestions: I do not profess to be an expert, but I would recommend that you review the use of commas. For example: In the second line you do not need a comma before the word 'but'. There are other similar examples throughout.

If you are interested there are MANY offerings regarding the use of commas on WDC.

Issue: Where there had once been light blue circles, full of light, were two colorless pools of pond scum.

Suggestion: The use of the word light twice here is off-putting, consider something like:

Where there had once been cornflower blue circles, full of light, there were two colourless pools of pond scum. (However, is pond scum colourless?)

Issue: Jet-lag, I guess.", said Charlie
Suggestion: Jet-lag I guess." said Charlie.

Issue: He took a hold of his cup, spun around, and took a step.

Suggestion: Saying 'a hold' sounds like slang, consider:
He took hold of his cup or He took hold of the cup handle etc.

Issue: The ... (dots) after, It's such a shame when something so pleasant has to turn into an eye-sore, but that's life I guess.

Issue: Are the ellipsis supposed to separate or give pause? If so I didn't find it worked and it looked like an error. Consider using more ... and centering or use something bigger like: <><><><><> or < * > < * > < * > or some characters other than ....

Issue: Consider more spaces in your formatting as portions of the story are so closely spaced especially in the middle to the end they are difficult to read on-line.

There are formatting issues here:

When I got to school, the boys were waiting for me outside the back entrance. "What took you so long, man?" Charlie asked. "Jackson couldn't drive me to school," I replied. "What happened? He had somewhere to be?" yelled Declan. I tired to force a grin but couldn't.


Suggestion:

When I got to school, the boys were waiting for me outside the back entrance.

"What took you so long, man?" Charlie asked.

"Jackson couldn't drive me to school," I replied.

"What happened? He had somewhere to be?" yelled Declan.

I tired to force a grin but couldn't.

My only other thoughts really throughout the in-home scenes were, where are the parents? Are they never home? It just seemed odd.

My Favourite Part:

Mrs. Love was chiseling away at my youth with a lecture on civil engineering. Excellently turned phrase very well done.

And another brilliant bit:

When it snows, God whispers, and the world stops in its tracks to hear what He has to say. The only problem is that God's voice carries at a frequency too high for us to hear. He discloses the secrets of salvation, but we can't even hear them. Instead of learning what God has to say, we are rewarded with an eerie silence. When it snows, my soul's thirst for knowledge and stimulation fades away.


All in all a good story with some very well written and vivid imagery.

Keep on Writing!

All the best,

simply


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74
74
Review of Mary-Ann  Open in new Window.
Review by Simply Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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Hello: Sing Me A Story, I am reviewing your piece: Mary-Ann

What I Thought: Good story about a girl in the mirror. This not a new idea but yours was more interesting than they normally are.

Suggestions:There are a few issues in this piece.

Issue: the '#' which appears just after the end of the opening where you introduce the characters who are on their way to a wedding. Why is the '#' there? It looks like a typing error. If it is supposed show separation, I'm afraid it doesn't work, consider a different method such as several characters centred.

Issue: Well whatever you decide to do, make it quick. Chase is going to be here #in like, twenty minutes,” Andreas said as she leaned close to the mirror and began to put on her foundation.

Correction: Andreas s/b Andrea

Issue: I had to go back and re-read this section because suddenly there was someone named Scott mentioned who had not been mentioned at all before. It's rather glaring:

Nah,” Scott countered, “this house has been standing since before we were born, since before our grand-parents were born, probably.”

*Who is Scott? Where did he suddenly appear from?

Issue: the word 'ahold'.

My arms shot out in an attempt to catch ahold of something, anything.

There is still a debate about the word ahold. My personal suggestion would be to use hold instead. Ahold sounds like slang to me, though I do realize you can find it in some dictionaries.

My arms shot out in an attempt to catch hold of something, anything.

My Favourite Part:
I thought the climax and ending were well done. The feelings and description of what happened when Mary-Ann 'came out' were written with passion and great description. You painted a great picture.

Keep on Writing!

All the best,

simply


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75
75
Review of Running  Open in new Window.
Review by Simply Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*RainbowL* *Bird* *RainbowR*


*Exclaim* Hello:cursorblock!



*Star* I Am Reviewing Your Story: *PointRight*Running




*Reading*What I Liked:*ThumbsUp* Fast paced, and interesting and suspense filled just as promised.



*QuestionG* Suggestions and Thoughts:*Idea* Only thing that really didn't feel right to me was this:

She kept the silencer barrel of the gun locked on him.

To shoot someone the barrel has to be pointed at them so this feels weird to me. I think I'd say something like:

She kept the silenced gun locked on him.


*Heart*My Favourite Part:*BoxCheck* He heard the whisper as their eyes met. A sound not unlike a quick burst of wind in the face. He fell back to the ground and felt the warmth engulf his chest. His hand dropped the knife and searched for the reason for the heat. He brought it back up to his face, a crimson red.



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