Hey fouadalnoor
I discovered this story on the 'Read a newbie' page and was drawn in by the tagline about a blind boy. I read a book by Dean Koontz that involved a boy that went blind and thought it would be interesting to read something along the same lines.
I wasn't disappointed
Technicalities / Observations
You have the story already, but here are a few points I hope will be helpful in making your writing a little clearer and get your story across better...the easier it is to read, the more people will.
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I have never seen the ting you call light...
...I want to be able to see the tings I touch.
This could quite possibly be a deliberate use of 'ting' instead of 'thing' to give the child-like look, but thought I'm mention it anyway. Typos are tricky things that sneak in everywhere
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It was always dark and it still is, but I can’t help but wonder what it is like seeing things…
This is the first of a few places where your sentences get the information across, but in an awkward way. All of the ones I will point out caused me to read the line twice, to make sure I understood it. It is the ambition of an author to have every line so clear the reader need pass over only once and still understand.
It has always been dark, and always will be, but I can't help but dream what 'sight' would be like.
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I can only feel and hear things and every day I ask God, why he made me blind and what is my purpose.
Two seperate, disjoined thoughts in one sentence. Try to keep a sentence on the one topic it starts with, and then introduce the next topic in the next sentence. Also - what about smell?
My world is one of sounds, smells and feelings. The cry of a baby, the smell of grass, the warmth when my mom hugs me. But it is a world devoid of 'colour', of light, of seeing those I love and knowing they can see me. Every day I ask God why in my prayers. Why have you made me blind? What is my purpose?
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One day I woke up to the sound of my mom telling my dad to take me to some place, a place called a blind school so I could learn how to read, but I did not want to go there and I did not want to read I only want to see, I want to see everything.
This is a run-on sentence - trying to cover a lot of ground with pause for breath (To learn more about run-on sentences, check out "3.1 The Sentence Amusement Park" and see the 'Choo-choo train' ). Slow down a little and split it up when you move topic.
One day I woke up to my mom's voice echoing from downstairs. She was talking to my dad about a special school for blind people where I could learn how to read. I wasn't interested. I had no interest in learning to read, I wanted to see, see everything and nothing less was enough.
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I want to see the light ,or my mum and dad, I want to be able to see the things I touch.
Be careful with tenses. It's something that caught me out badly when I started writing, and still does if I don't pay close attention. This is something that happened in the past, so he 'wanted' to see the light. Have a check through the rest of the story, there maybe other examples of tense problems I haven't mentioned.
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After a while my mum told me to try that school, she said if I did not like it I could go back and they would never send me back.
I'm not sure this sentence makes sence with the blue part included.
Did you mean something like..
A few days later my mum talked to me about the school. She said that if I just tried it out, and I didn't like it then I wouldn't have to go back again.
Also - watch out for 'mom' and 'mum'. You use both in this story. Either your American or English
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Eventually I said I would go, but only in one condition that she would tell me what the sky looked like…
Wrong word here. "Only 'on' one condition
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Her skin was soft as silk and her voice was very calm, I have never heard I calm voice like that before other them my mother and father.
Lovely description of her skin. Watch out for repetition (calm) as it usually sounds clunky when close together like this. Perhaps try a rearrangement and a different word to make it easier to read. The violet 'have' is a tense issue. It happened in the past, the boy has already heard it in the future.
Her skin was soft as silk and her voice flowed through me like water. I had never heard such a friendly voice before, except perhaps my mom.
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I also want to say that my parents died in a fire [a]long time ago, but now I have been adopted by David and Christine, of course I only call them dad and mum so they don’t get sad and feel even more sorry for me….
To stick this in like this is odd, and it jerked me from the story. I would suggest introducing David and Christine earlier in the story as the foster parents. That way, you can explain why you call them mom/mum and dad now without having to force in the extra information.
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“I have checked your eyes and they seem fine, but I do not know why you are blind”
Don't forget punctuation at the end of dialogue. You do that quite a lot in this story.
The other reason I mention this particular line is that it doesn't sound like a doctor speaking, and you've put it in speech marks like a quote. The doctor is talking to a child so it doesn't need to be really complicated, just a little more adult.
"I have checked your eyes, and have done all the tests available. The strange thing is, they seem to be working perfectly. I'm sorry, but I do not know why you can't see."
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I sat down in a chair and told her that I wanted to talk to her in private, she sat down on a chair next to me and said with a calm and warm voice “hi Alex what does a cute boy want to talk to me about?”
Some repetition here, and also very strange dialogue that seems out of character.
The second 'sat on a chair' you can just delete and it'll still make sense. We can guess she sat on a chair too.
What she says though doesn't fit, perhaps something like..
"Hi Alex, what's up to make your cute face look so serious?"
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She did not say anything for about two minutes and then she said “are you sure about this Alex?, do you want to take the chance of going to a doctor again and maybe even get hurt?” “I was quiet for a while and then I said “ I don’t have a choice Jane, I have to do it”. Jane held my hand and told me “ ok, let’s get your sight back!” when she said that I got a hope of getting my sight back and that feeling had been gone since I was six years old.
Much of the dialogue gets confusing, especially when it is in a big paragraph like this. Grammar and punctuation is completely shot here as well.
Try to put dialogue from each different speaker on a new line so it looks like this..
"Hi Bob," said Ben.
"Hi Ben, how are you?"
"Pretty good, but I've hurt my leg." Ben's face twisted in a grimace as he pointed at the cut.
"Oooh that looks painful," Bob said. "You should get that looked at."
Makes it much easier to read and see what is going on, who is speaking and easy to add the speech tags afterward.
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I can't get through this story without pointing out some of the wonderful descriptions you use all the way through. At times you really bring the world of sounds and smells and touch to life.
After I showered and brushed my teeth with a tooth paste that smelled like strawberry I went to down the stairs and inn to the kitchen.
hear the birds outside my window and I could feel the sun’s warmth
Great stuff, try and use it more. Bring the world alive with smells, sounds and feelings.
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Last one..
other people who were talking to each other about their where they had pain.
A random sentence that doesn't make sense.
Summary
A wonderfully innocent, refreshing and frank look at life from the boy's perspective. I really enjoyed reading it.
I hope you come back to this and work on it. This could become a really magical story that touches anyone that reads it.
Keep it up and...
Happy Writing |
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